The Turkey Day festivities are in full swing. Do you know what this means? More football. Boys and girls, it’s recap time.
Packers 29, Lions 22
Detroit on thanksgiving. No matter how good or bad either team playing that day is, Detroit will find a way to lose. This year’s honorary free win goes to the Green Bay Packers. Possibly the weakest opponent Detroit has played all year besides the Bears, and they find a way to blow it. MCDC can go for it on 4th down all he wants, but it doesn’t mean a thing if they can’t convert them. The Lions were 0 for 5 on 4th down. 0 for 5. Can you see the total ineptitude of that situation? Fortunately, the rest of their schedule is pretty easy, but after games like this? Might have to put a hold on the super bowl aspirations.
Commanders 10, Cowboys 45
Dallas continues their incredibly easy schedule against yet another pretend team in the Washington Commies. Despite keeping it close for a half, the Cowboys did this thing at halftime called “adjusting”. It quickly got ugly after that. 31 unanswered points scored as Washington didn’t have any answers on defense, and it cost Jack Del Rio his job. Many are happy with this move, but I’m going one step further. Get riverboat Ron out of there too. He’s been holding back the team for years.
49ers 31, Seahawks 13
San Francisco is once again heating up and taking no victims. Their next victim? An alleged playoff contender in the Seattle Seahawks. Throughout the game, Geno Smith and the rest of Seattle’s offense got a one-way ride straight to hell. It seemed like every offensive series for the Seahawks, there would be at least one play where San Fran just ran circles around them. Seattle’s only points were off good special teams and a pick-six. None of their points were earned by the offense, a near shutout for the Niner D. Now they have to set up for a showdown with Philly next week at the Linc.
Dolphins 34, Jets 13
And here it comes, stumbling in from the left, the Buttfumble Intoxication Meter. In fact, we need a drinking base for this week. The defense is still destroying worlds, New York still has the better hockey team, the Knicks aren’t complete garbage. Let’s put it at around 30 beers, which should do it. The good news for the Jets is that Zach Wilson isn’t playing this week due to being told to hit the pine in Buffalo last week. The bad? They have no choice but to start Tim Boyle. He performs as badly as everyone thought he would. Despite the defense doing their best, even scoring a touchdown off a Tua interception, the Jets offense couldn’t even get on the board until late in the 4th quarter. This team is absolutely awful. They have fewer rushing touchdowns than NFL wide receivers, their own receivers couldn’t catch a cold during the black death, the defense is stretched and overwhelmed to the point where they’re falling apart at the seams, and the year is a complete disaster. How on earth did the drinking meter overload on alcohol again? Only in Jersey. Miami, you looked horrible, but here’s your free win.
Buccaneers 20, Colts 27
This is what we call a crossroads game. The Buccaneers are trying to keep up in the NFC South, while the Colts look to remain surprisingly relevant in the AFC playoff race. What this game would come down to was which offensively challenged team would screw the pooch less. And that team was Indy. Gardner Minshew and his mustachioed glory led the Colts to yet another close win, as they are now knocking on the door for a playoff spot. Now if you told me at the beginning of the year that the Week 12 playoff picture would feature 3 AFC South teams, I would’ve had you chucked into a straitjacket.
Patriots 7, Giants 10
10 years ago, these two teams were playing in the Super Bowl. Today, they fight for a different prize. TANK BOWL!
The Giants’ recent push to scrap the tank and embrace mediocrity again took a big step forward, much to the dismay of their fans. With their Italian prodigy Tommy DeVito under center once again, New York managed to squeak out yet another win to keep fan optimism afloat. The solution to awakening a team dead in the water? The Patriots. Mac Jones was godawful in his limited sample size, throwing 2 picks and making his case for a CFL job next fall. Notice how I said limited sample size? That’s right, he got benched for Bailey Zappe yet again. It is a tremendous upgrade, from cataclysmically horrific to simply trash. With enough said, the Patriots are within 3 and charging to tie the game for overtime. They get into field goal range- and the kicker shanks a routine field goal. The Giants somehow fail upwards into their first back-to-back wins of the season. New York may have won the game, but New England has won the tank. I can’t wait to see which projected 3rd rounder Belichick selects with their top-10 pick. If he survives in New England to see that day, that is.
Steelers 16, Bengals 10
One week after the great firing of Matt Canada, the Steelers have turned a new leaf. Despite the score not suggesting it, Pittsburgh turned in quite possibly their best offensive performance of the year with Mike Sullivan calling the plays. To put this in perspective, the Steelers have been outgained in every game this season. Facing Jake Browning will put that to an end, but the Steelers also had over 400 yards of offense today. You know how long it’s been since that happened? 58 games. The last time they had 400 yards, Heinz Field was still called Heinz Field, had no people in it, and the opposing quarterback was Brett Rypien. Despite the Bengals keeping it close through a combination of ridiculous luck and turnovers, The Steelers managed to pull through in the end. They became the luckiest 7-4 team in NFL history with this win.
Panthers 10, Titans 17
Carolina is going to Nashville for what is sure to be a really awful football game. ANOTHER TANK BOWL!
Yes, another tank bowl. Carolina is representing Chicago, while the Titans are representing their brutally disappointing season. Both tank brigades came out to play today. Tennessee won a thoroughly unimpressive game, I’ll leave it at that. The real fireworks were to follow.
David Tepper has been a disaster as owner of the Panthers. The Rock Hill debacle, throwing way too much money at players and coaches, and seemingly spontaneous coaching changes. Could you guess what happened this time? That’s right, Frank Reich is gone. He didn’t even get to finish a full season as head coach. That’s not all, either. QB coach Josh McCown and assistant coach Duce Staley have also been kicked to the curb. They didn’t even do anything wrong, they weren’t given anything to work with! Every one of them wanted CJ Stroud over Bryce Young, but Tepper meddled to make the Young pick happen. Now, in addition to having no team, no first round pick, and no competent ownership, they’re also down half a coaching staff. Congratulations, Tepper, you’ve learned nothing. Dan Snyder has passed the baton to him for worst owner in the league.
Jaguars 24, Texans 21
This was a great game of football ruined by the festering disease that is refball. It’s rare that a team will get almost completely screwed thanks to refball, but it happened today to the Texans. The refs were doing their best to hand this game to the Jags all afternoon long. Despite all the screwing over and jackknifing by the refs, the Texans were still within a field goal and driving. However, they’re forced into a 4th and 12. They opt for… a 58 yard field goal? With a kicker who’s been screwing up all game. He predictably missed, hitting the crossbar. While I think it was the right call, that’s a horrible way to lose. Especially with how stacked the AFC is. Better luck next time, Houston.
Saints 15, Falcons 24
I’m making an executive decision. All of the teams in the NFC South are utter trash and don’t deserve to make the playoffs. Thus, all remaining in-division games are henceforth relegated to tank bowl status. Starting with this one. Prepare yourselves for a TANK BOWL!
Oh boy, was this a good call. For a game that had a division lead on the line, this sure didn’t impress. Two horrible offenses and two defenses that are forced to pick up the slack with regularity congregating in the house that failure built for a matchup for the ages. Similar to other games this week, what this game would come down to was which quarterback sucked less. That was, surprisingly, Desmond Ridder. Great, now Arthur Smith has an excuse to start him for the rest of the games this year. Atlanta moves back into 1st place in that pathetic division, and the Saints? Well, at least you aren’t injured to hell and back like previous years?
Rams 37, Cardinals 14
Hello, 911, I’d like to report a murder taking place. Yeah, I’m witnessing the Los Angeles Rams bludgeon the Cardinals in Glendale, Arizona. It’s horrible, there’s blood everywhere. Everyone in the stadium is crying hysterically, please, send everyone you can. The Rams have a tank in the corner and they’re planting explosives under it as I speak for maximum damage. I don’t know how much longer I can talk for, and– oh, shoot, they saw me.
Browns 12, Broncos 29
The Broncos continue their impressive return to relevance with a home match at Mile High against the Cleveland Brownies. Denver made pretty easy work of their adversary, with Russ Wilson skying the ball all game and the defense doing the rest. Although to be fair, even the Panthers could stuff an offense like Cleveland’s, trodding out the likes of Dorion Thompson-Robinson at quarterback. This offense is horrible. They’re relying on a Joe Woods defense to carry them to wins, and it didn’t work out for them today. They may still be 7-4, but it’s a pretty weak one.
Bills 34, Eagles 37
Jalen Hurts and the Eagles played great today, but I must put their efforts to the side. For the Bills, this is a catastrophic failure. It’s less to do with how they played and more with the huge impact of this loss. While the Bills played well, they needed a perfect game to beat a team like the Eagles. And Buffalo was far from perfect. Many Bills fans are blaming the refs for this loss, but even though they were horrible, this loss is self-inflicted. This loss came down to James Cook dropping a touchdown, Bass missing two mid-range field goals, and McDermott’s vaunted defense continuing to buckle like a rotten board in crunch time. While there’s no shame in losing to the Eagles, this still stings a lot due to where it puts the Bills. With 5 weeks left and a tough schedule, they’re 10th in the AFC. You know how this could have been avoided? Not losing to the 2-win New England Patriots. Or blowing countless opportunities against the Jags in London. Or not gifting the game to a Jets team dead in the water. Let’s not even get into that home match against Denver, that just speaks for itself. While I still have a foolish optimism that they could win out and make the playoffs, they are notoriously bad after bye weeks. Guess what’s happening next week? Typical Buffalo, giving their fans hope and ripping it away from them just as we reach for it. Philly, all I’m going to say is that Jake Elliott and Jalen Hurts better not pay for anything for the rest of the year. They carried you in this game. And finish paying off the refs while you’re at it, too.
Chiefs 31, Raiders 17
I don’t care what the scoreboard says, the Chiefs are in deep trouble. Their offense is looking incredibly suspect. With the last few weeks, and then spotting the Raiders 14 points in this game, things need to change now. I don’t care that they came back and won in the end, it was the Raiders, this game shouldn’t have been close. It’s pretty easy to outscore an opponent when said opponent’s quarterback probably couldn’t hit a beach ball off of a tee. Kansas City and their handless receivers now gear up for two important matchups in the next weeks that will be huge for playoff implications. With their “performances” these past few weeks, I’m having serious doubts about them.
Ravens 20, Chargers 10
The Chargers haven’t been able to produce a complete 60-minute effort all year. In most of the games that they play, one side of the ball will shine while the other inexplicably vanishes from the face of the map. It leads to them either barely escaping with a win or losing in humiliating fashion. It happened again against a Ravens team far better than they are. This week’s culprit was Austin Eckler running like he was stuck on a flytrap, and the O-line transforming into turnstiles for most of the game. 5 turnovers by the Charger offense as Baltimore’s defense had a golden corral of skill players. However, this game remained uncomfortably close for most of the game. The Chargers’ D, injured as they are, put up a gutsy and valiant effort against Baltimore and Lamar Jackson. They kept them in check for most of the game, only breaking on the final drive. When you hold a contender like the Ravens to 13 points through 3 quarters, it’s squarely on the offense to step up and win the game. They couldn’t. Typical Charger luck. To be so close to victory yet so far away. Playoffs are now almost out of the question with a 4-7 record. So, when are you going to fire Staley, Spanos? This decade? Hopefully.
Bears 12, Vikings 10
I don’t want to hear any excuses about Josh Dobbs not being ready for the lights, or Justin Fields being back from injury. This entire game was a defensive exhibition, in the worst excuse for a primetime game excluding Thursday Night Football I’ve seen this year. If you missed out on the Turkey Day festivities and wanted some dessert pastries, these two NFC North teams have you covered with a delicious treat: the Turnover. 6 total on the day, to be exact. 4 interceptions by Josh Dobbs. Back to back fumbles by Justin Fields. The Bears won this game without scoring a touchdown. The first time anyone’s done that this year. Vikings, you’re screwed. There’s a reason why teams don’t hang onto Dobbs and you’re seeing it right here. Hope you like missing the playoffs again, Minnesota! We kept the seat at the losers’ table warm for you.
Laughingstock of the week
For this week’s Laughingstock, I boiled it down to 4 finalists. They are:
Ohio State, for whistleblowing about the Michigan “scandal” and still losing to them in The Game
Eagles fans, for yelling family death threats at Bills’ defensive lineman Jordan Phillips
The Chicago Bears- even in winning, they still find a way to be laughed at
NFL Referees, for ruining Jags-Texans and nearly ruining Bills-Eagles and Ravens-Chargers
And the winner this week is… THE World Famous Ohio State Buckeyes! Imagine being so insecure you have to accuse your rival of cheating, and then you still lose to them in the biggest game of the year. Go Blue, and go home, Ohio. And keep Ryan Day as head coach, too. He is the greatest asset to Michigan this time of year.