The Turkey Day festivities are in full swing. Do you know what this means? More football. Boys and girls, it’s recap time.

Packers 29, Lions 22

Detroit on thanksgiving. No matter how good or bad either team playing that day is, Detroit will find a way to lose. This year’s honorary free win goes to the Green Bay Packers. Possibly the weakest opponent Detroit has played all year besides the Bears, and they find a way to blow it. MCDC can go for it on 4th down all he wants, but it doesn’t mean a thing if they can’t convert them. The Lions were 0 for 5 on 4th down. 0 for 5. Can you see the total ineptitude of that situation? Fortunately, the rest of their schedule is pretty easy, but after games like this? Might have to put a hold on the super bowl aspirations.

Commanders 10, Cowboys 45

Dallas continues their incredibly easy schedule against yet another pretend team in the Washington Commies. Despite keeping it close for a half, the Cowboys did this thing at halftime called “adjusting”. It quickly got ugly after that. 31 unanswered points scored as Washington didn’t have any answers on defense, and it cost Jack Del Rio his job. Many are happy with this move, but I’m going one step further. Get riverboat Ron out of there too. He’s been holding back the team for years.

49ers 31, Seahawks 13

San Francisco is once again heating up and taking no victims. Their next victim? An alleged playoff contender in the Seattle Seahawks. Throughout the game, Geno Smith and the rest of Seattle’s offense got a one-way ride straight to hell. It seemed like every offensive series for the Seahawks, there would be at least one play where San Fran just ran circles around them. Seattle’s only points were off good special teams and a pick-six. None of their points were earned by the offense, a near shutout for the Niner D. Now they have to set up for a showdown with Philly next week at the Linc.

Dolphins 34, Jets 13

And here it comes, stumbling in from the left, the Buttfumble Intoxication Meter. In fact, we need a drinking base for this week. The defense is still destroying worlds, New York still has the better hockey team, the Knicks aren’t complete garbage. Let’s put it at around 30 beers, which should do it. The good news for the Jets is that Zach Wilson isn’t playing this week due to being told to hit the pine in Buffalo last week. The bad? They have no choice but to start Tim Boyle. He performs as badly as everyone thought he would. Despite the defense doing their best, even scoring a touchdown off a Tua interception, the Jets offense couldn’t even get on the board until late in the 4th quarter. This team is absolutely awful. They have fewer rushing touchdowns than NFL wide receivers, their own receivers couldn’t catch a cold during the black death, the defense is stretched and overwhelmed to the point where they’re falling apart at the seams, and the year is a complete disaster. How on earth did the drinking meter overload on alcohol again? Only in Jersey. Miami, you looked horrible, but here’s your free win.

Buccaneers 20, Colts 27

This is what we call a crossroads game. The Buccaneers are trying to keep up in the NFC South, while the Colts look to remain surprisingly relevant in the AFC playoff race. What this game would come down to was which offensively challenged team would screw the pooch less. And that team was Indy. Gardner Minshew and his mustachioed glory led the Colts to yet another close win, as they are now knocking on the door for a playoff spot. Now if you told me at the beginning of the year that the Week 12 playoff picture would feature 3 AFC South teams, I would’ve had you chucked into a straitjacket.

Patriots 7, Giants 10

10 years ago, these two teams were playing in the Super Bowl. Today, they fight for a different prize. TANK BOWL!

The Giants’ recent push to scrap the tank and embrace mediocrity again took a big step forward, much to the dismay of their fans. With their Italian prodigy Tommy DeVito under center once again, New York managed to squeak out yet another win to keep fan optimism afloat. The solution to awakening a team dead in the water? The Patriots. Mac Jones was godawful in his limited sample size, throwing 2 picks and making his case for a CFL job next fall. Notice how I said limited sample size? That’s right, he got benched for Bailey Zappe yet again. It is a tremendous upgrade, from cataclysmically horrific to simply trash. With enough said, the Patriots are within 3 and charging to tie the game for overtime. They get into field goal range- and the kicker shanks a routine field goal. The Giants somehow fail upwards into their first back-to-back wins of the season. New York may have won the game, but New England has won the tank. I can’t wait to see which projected 3rd rounder Belichick selects with their top-10 pick. If he survives in New England to see that day, that is.

Steelers 16, Bengals 10

One week after the great firing of Matt Canada, the Steelers have turned a new leaf. Despite the score not suggesting it, Pittsburgh turned in quite possibly their best offensive performance of the year with Mike Sullivan calling the plays. To put this in perspective, the Steelers have been outgained in every game this season. Facing Jake Browning will put that to an end, but the Steelers also had over 400 yards of offense today. You know how long it’s been since that happened? 58 games. The last time they had 400 yards, Heinz Field was still called Heinz Field, had no people in it, and the opposing quarterback was Brett Rypien. Despite the Bengals keeping it close through a combination of ridiculous luck and turnovers, The Steelers managed to pull through in the end. They became the luckiest 7-4 team in NFL history with this win.

Panthers 10, Titans 17

Carolina is going to Nashville for what is sure to be a really awful football game. ANOTHER TANK BOWL!

Yes, another tank bowl. Carolina is representing Chicago, while the Titans are representing their brutally disappointing season. Both tank brigades came out to play today. Tennessee won a thoroughly unimpressive game, I’ll leave it at that. The real fireworks were to follow.

David Tepper has been a disaster as owner of the Panthers. The Rock Hill debacle, throwing way too much money at players and coaches, and seemingly spontaneous coaching changes. Could you guess what happened this time? That’s right, Frank Reich is gone. He didn’t even get to finish a full season as head coach. That’s not all, either. QB coach Josh McCown and assistant coach Duce Staley have also been kicked to the curb. They didn’t even do anything wrong, they weren’t given anything to work with! Every one of them wanted CJ Stroud over Bryce Young, but Tepper meddled to make the Young pick happen. Now, in addition to having no team, no first round pick, and no competent ownership, they’re also down half a coaching staff. Congratulations, Tepper, you’ve learned nothing. Dan Snyder has passed the baton to him for worst owner in the league.

Jaguars 24, Texans 21

This was a great game of football ruined by the festering disease that is refball. It’s rare that a team will get almost completely screwed thanks to refball, but it happened today to the Texans. The refs were doing their best to hand this game to the Jags all afternoon long. Despite all the screwing over and jackknifing by the refs, the Texans were still within a field goal and driving. However, they’re forced into a 4th and 12. They opt for… a 58 yard field goal? With a kicker who’s been screwing up all game. He predictably missed, hitting the crossbar. While I think it was the right call, that’s a horrible way to lose. Especially with how stacked the AFC is. Better luck next time, Houston.

Saints 15, Falcons 24

I’m making an executive decision. All of the teams in the NFC South are utter trash and don’t deserve to make the playoffs. Thus, all remaining in-division games are henceforth relegated to tank bowl status. Starting with this one. Prepare yourselves for a TANK BOWL!

Oh boy, was this a good call. For a game that had a division lead on the line, this sure didn’t impress. Two horrible offenses and two defenses that are forced to pick up the slack with regularity congregating in the house that failure built for a matchup for the ages. Similar to other games this week, what this game would come down to was which quarterback sucked less. That was, surprisingly, Desmond Ridder. Great, now Arthur Smith has an excuse to start him for the rest of the games this year. Atlanta moves back into 1st place in that pathetic division, and the Saints? Well, at least you aren’t injured to hell and back like previous years?

Rams 37, Cardinals 14

Hello, 911, I’d like to report a murder taking place. Yeah, I’m witnessing the Los Angeles Rams bludgeon the Cardinals in Glendale, Arizona. It’s horrible, there’s blood everywhere. Everyone in the stadium is crying hysterically, please, send everyone you can. The Rams have a tank in the corner and they’re planting explosives under it as I speak for maximum damage. I don’t know how much longer I can talk for, and– oh, shoot, they saw me.

Browns 12, Broncos 29

The Broncos continue their impressive return to relevance with a home match at Mile High against the Cleveland Brownies. Denver made pretty easy work of their adversary, with Russ Wilson skying the ball all game and the defense doing the rest. Although to be fair, even the Panthers could stuff an offense like Cleveland’s, trodding out the likes of Dorion Thompson-Robinson at quarterback. This offense is horrible. They’re relying on a Joe Woods defense to carry them to wins, and it didn’t work out for them today. They may still be 7-4, but it’s a pretty weak one.

Bills 34, Eagles 37

Jalen Hurts and the Eagles played great today, but I must put their efforts to the side. For the Bills, this is a catastrophic failure. It’s less to do with how they played and more with the huge impact of this loss. While the Bills played well, they needed a perfect game to beat a team like the Eagles. And Buffalo was far from perfect. Many Bills fans are blaming the refs for this loss, but even though they were horrible, this loss is self-inflicted. This loss came down to James Cook dropping a touchdown, Bass missing two mid-range field goals, and McDermott’s vaunted defense continuing to buckle like a rotten board in crunch time. While there’s no shame in losing to the Eagles, this still stings a lot due to where it puts the Bills. With 5 weeks left and a tough schedule, they’re 10th in the AFC. You know how this could have been avoided? Not losing to the 2-win New England Patriots. Or blowing countless opportunities against the Jags in London. Or not gifting the game to a Jets team dead in the water. Let’s not even get into that home match against Denver, that just speaks for itself. While I still have a foolish optimism that they could win out and make the playoffs, they are notoriously bad after bye weeks. Guess what’s happening next week? Typical Buffalo, giving their fans hope and ripping it away from them just as we reach for it. Philly, all I’m going to say is that Jake Elliott and Jalen Hurts better not pay for anything for the rest of the year. They carried you in this game. And finish paying off the refs while you’re at it, too.

Chiefs 31, Raiders 17

I don’t care what the scoreboard says, the Chiefs are in deep trouble. Their offense is looking incredibly suspect. With the last few weeks, and then spotting the Raiders 14 points in this game, things need to change now. I don’t care that they came back and won in the end, it was the Raiders, this game shouldn’t have been close. It’s pretty easy to outscore an opponent when said opponent’s quarterback probably couldn’t hit a beach ball off of a tee. Kansas City and their handless receivers now gear up for two important matchups in the next weeks that will be huge for playoff implications. With their “performances” these past few weeks, I’m having serious doubts about them.

Ravens 20, Chargers 10

The Chargers haven’t been able to produce a complete 60-minute effort all year. In most of the games that they play, one side of the ball will shine while the other inexplicably vanishes from the face of the map. It leads to them either barely escaping with a win or losing in humiliating fashion. It happened again against a Ravens team far better than they are. This week’s culprit was Austin Eckler running like he was stuck on a flytrap, and the O-line transforming into turnstiles for most of the game. 5 turnovers by the Charger offense as Baltimore’s defense had a golden corral of skill players. However, this game remained uncomfortably close for most of the game. The Chargers’ D, injured as they are, put up a gutsy and valiant effort against Baltimore and Lamar Jackson. They kept them in check for most of the game, only breaking on the final drive. When you hold a contender like the Ravens to 13 points through 3 quarters, it’s squarely on the offense to step up and win the game. They couldn’t. Typical Charger luck. To be so close to victory yet so far away. Playoffs are now almost out of the question with a 4-7 record. So, when are you going to fire Staley, Spanos? This decade? Hopefully.

Bears 12, Vikings 10

I don’t want to hear any excuses about Josh Dobbs not being ready for the lights, or Justin Fields being back from injury. This entire game was a defensive exhibition, in the worst excuse for a primetime game excluding Thursday Night Football I’ve seen this year. If you missed out on the Turkey Day festivities and wanted some dessert pastries, these two NFC North teams have you covered with a delicious treat: the Turnover. 6 total on the day, to be exact. 4 interceptions by Josh Dobbs. Back to back fumbles by Justin Fields. The Bears won this game without scoring a touchdown. The first time anyone’s done that this year. Vikings, you’re screwed. There’s a reason why teams don’t hang onto Dobbs and you’re seeing it right here. Hope you like missing the playoffs again, Minnesota! We kept the seat at the losers’ table warm for you.

Laughingstock of the week

For this week’s Laughingstock, I boiled it down to 4 finalists. They are:

Ohio State, for whistleblowing about the Michigan “scandal” and still losing to them in The Game

Eagles fans, for yelling family death threats at Bills’ defensive lineman Jordan Phillips

The Chicago Bears- even in winning, they still find a way to be laughed at

NFL Referees, for ruining Jags-Texans and nearly ruining Bills-Eagles and Ravens-Chargers

And the winner this week is… THE World Famous Ohio State Buckeyes! Imagine being so insecure you have to accuse your rival of cheating, and then you still lose to them in the biggest game of the year. Go Blue, and go home, Ohio. And keep Ryan Day as head coach, too. He is the greatest asset to Michigan this time of year.

Panthers 13, Bears 16

A glorious game between two atrocities on Thursday Night Football. Yes, it’s a primetime TANK BOWL!

What a disaster of a game. Who thought it would be a good idea to give the Bears not one, not two, not three but four primetime games this year? This team is a joke. They’re fortunate in that they’re playing yet another disaster in Carolina or this game wouldn’t have even been close. I think this game will finally reveal Carolina to be the complete tire fire that they are. What a disaster. Bryce Young just got outplayed by a guy who was playing Division 2 a year ago. They have fallen to dead last in the league, and Frank Reich may be on the hot seat already.

Colts 10, Patriots 6

Whoever didn’t see this coming was delusional. Two bad teams flown halfway around the world and forced to play on a jet lagged sleep schedule. Of course, it was terrible. All the international games have been awful this year, but this one was special. Good old-fashioned hard-nosed football was the name of the game here. The Patriots ran 54 plays and 36 of them were rushes. Indy? At least they got a touchdown early? The rest of the game was just sheer ugliness. Hey look, here’s a late drive from Mac to win the game! Too bad, since he decided to imitate Famous Jameis by throwing it directly to a Colts defender. This should have ended the game, but remember what team we’re dealing with. The Colts offense consists of a bunch of wet plywood. They failed to do anything with the ball. New England has it back at the 2 minute warning. It is here that a change is made. In comes the savior. Bailey Zappe. As he throws a pick into triple coverage on a fake spike. If that play isn’t emblematic of this Patriots’ season, I don’t know what is. Panic has set in as they fall to dead last in the AFC at 2-8. Even old Bill might be on the hot seat. How did this team beat Buffalo again?

Browns 33, Ravens 31

The opening salvo was fired on the first drive. Pick-six for the Ravens and Kyle Hamilton. This was going to be a spectacle. The Ravens have blown out teams far greater than Cleveland this season. The Browns were a mere bump on the road that needed to be overcome. It got dicey at times, but they were holding their own against a good defense with a 31-17 lead deep in the 4th quarter. Wouldn’t you know it, an old friend stopped by M&T to say hi. The Ravens proceeded to blow the game through a combination of turnovers and bad defense. Say what you will about Cleveland, but the Ravens choked again. This was a game the Browns had no business even competing in, but Baltimore not only kept them in it, they actively handed them the game? Even worse? Cleveland and Pittsburgh are now only a half-game back of 1st place. And they both have tiebreakers. That division you thought you had locked up? It just became a jungle again. All I’m going to say is that their game on Thursday against the Bungles is now a must-win.

Packers 19, Steelers 23

All I’m going to say is this: The Steelers are the most undeserving 6-3 team in NFL history. Once again, they were pitted against a mediocre opponent. Once again, they played down to their competition as the offense played lower than the Mariana Trench. Once again, it came down to their final play. Once again, the defense moved mountains in order to secure victory. While 6-3 is a good record, I have severe doubts about this team’s sustainability at the next level. Next week is a crucial game against Cleveland for possible AFC North supremacy. Get it done, Steelers. We’re all counting on you.

49ers 34, Jaguars 3

During the bye, the Niners reached down and acquired a potential generational talent at edge-rusher from Washington. Chase Young is now a 49er. Reunited with his former Buckeye teammate Nick Bosa, the two are looking for blood. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good team in Jacksonville, those two will wreak havoc on anything resembling a quarterback’s sanity. 5 sacks and under 60 rushing yards on the day, a truly dominant performance. Jacksonville is lucky in that the rest of their division excluding Houston is a dumpster fire. Speaking of Houston…

Texans 30, Bengals 27

If the last two weeks are any sign, CJ Stroud has a bright future in this league. With that system around him, plus DeMeco Ryans’s defense, the Texans have everything they need to turn him into a superstar. He’s already putting up borderline MVP numbers. This week, that kind of performance came against not a bad team like the Bucs, but a legit contender in the Bengals. The Texans D had their way with Cincy for most of the game, despite a late game comeback to tie the game. This was where Stroud proved how good he is by leading the Texans on a long field goal drive to seal the game. How does it feel to be the victim of another team’s legit statement win, Bungles? Does it feel bad? I think we both know the answer to that question.

Titans 6, Buccaneers 20

The Will Levis era might be over and it’s not even 3 games in yet. He had his first true “rookie” game in the NFL today. It happens, it’s when a quarterback looks completely lost against a stout D, the usual growing pains. Levis wasn’t completely awful, but he sure didn’t inspire that much confidence as Tampa cruised to victory. I don’t know what to think of the Bucs. Yes, their defense is solid, but their offense is flat at best. They have a shot at their division thanks to how bad it is, but I just don’t know if Mayfield can piece together some consistent efforts to accomplish that.

Saints 19, Vikings 27

We currently live in a world where Josh Dobbs looks better under center than most of the regular starters that played this week. He put together another dynamite performance against the Saints today. Don’t look now, but Minnesota is 6-4 having won 5 in a row. Next week is a critical game against a Broncos team looking better than ever. This will be Dobbs’s first true test against a real defense. I’m counting on him to get it done.

Lions 41, Chargers 38

This game says more about the Chargers than it does about Detroit. Despite Justin Herbert’s best efforts, they still couldn’t make a defensive stop to save their lives. When you drop 38 points on an opponent at home, you usually end up winning the game. Not these guys. As the weeks go by, I’m wondering more and more how Brandon Staley was seen as a defensive mastermind. This guy can’t scheme! How much was he carried by Aaron Donald? It’s getting to the point where it’s all but a given that they’ll fail! Detroit, here is your statement win. It comes with a side of laughing at all 13 Charger fans still bought into the team.

Falcons 23, Cardinals 25

Arthur Smith is a hack. This game proved it. Yet another game where they underutilize their best offensive weapons against a team without that great of a defense. Combine this with midget man Kyler Murray being out on the field and it leads to an embarrassing loss for Atlanta. Despite the new Call of Duty coming out, he still looked dialed, leading Arizona to a huge upset against a team desperately needing to win. Atlanta, if you weren’t in such a bad division, you’d be out of the playoffs by now. Get it together.

Giants 17, Cowboys 49

I will now list the positives for the Giants from this game: They scored points. That is all. The rest was the usual song and dance for the G-men. Tommy DeVito got thrown to the wolves and eaten alive all afternoon by the Cowboys defense. Their offense once again dominated all day, as Dallas cruised to a blowout victory. New York, it might be time to fire up the tanks once again.

Commanders 26, Seahawks 29

People might be surprised that Seattle let Washington hang around in this one for way too long. What they do not realize is that they’re the same tier of team. The problem with Washington is that they’re less consistent than their west coast counterpart, hence the worse record. Both quarterbacks were excellent today, but Geno Smith managed to pull it together in the second half and lead the Seahawks to victory over the Commies, keeping pace for the AFC West. Seattle isn’t a super bowl contender, not by any stretch of the imagination, but they’re much improved from last year. On the flip side, how is Ron Rivera still employed again?

Jets 12, Raiders 16

The reeling Raiders have found just the antidote to curing their woes: facing off against the Mistakes from East Rutherford at home. Last week, it was the Giants, and this week, the Jets. New York’s offense could get nothing going all night long as the Raiders did just enough to solve their defense and escape with a win. The sad part is that if the Jets had anything resembling a competent QB and offensive line, they’d be super bowl contenders. That defense is one of the best in football, yet their offense continues to let them down every single week. Raiders, welcome back to .500. I’m not even close to saying you deserve it, but props for turning your season around. You see that opponent you have next week? You folks would turn a lot of heads if you upset them. Good luck, Vegas. We’re all counting on you.

Broncos 24, Bills 22

I know I said I would separate this game if the Bills lost. I don’t have the energy to do it. We’ll keep this one short and simple, just like Buffalo’s offense did on most drives in this game by turning the ball over. 4 times to be exact. You might expect me to yell and rant about the coaching staff, but I won’t. They’ve finally taken action. Ken Dorsey has been fired. I repeat. Ken Dorsey has been axed. The Bills will no longer be doing their trademark draw plays from the 1 yard line. They’ll be doing them from the 5 yard line instead with Joe Brady as the interim coordinator. Promoting from within and learning nothing. Just bring in Payton Manning. Anything would be better than the guys we have right now.

Laughingstock of the Week

I think we all know who my pick would be if this was going to an NFL team this week. Unfortunately, events in the college ranks override this. This week’s laughingstock is the entire Texas A&M Football program. Specifically, in the events surrounding head coach Jimbo Fisher. It’s been a tough year for A&M, as they already have 4 losses and aren’t even ranked. The time has come for the board to clean house. Jimbo Fisher has been fired as head coach of Texas A&M. This is embarrassing for multiple reasons. First, when Fisher was hired, the board presented him with a blank plaque for a national championship. Fisher never won any noteworthy hardware while head coach. This is also going to hurt their wallets, too. The school still owes Fisher over $70 million as part of his buyout agreement. We can get into how ridiculous it is that state employees are getting paid $70 million later, but the bottom line is that this is a huge black eye on the A&M program. They’re at a point where they’re about to replace Vanderbilt as resident SEC doormat in a couple years. None of the top recruits are going to want to be Aggies, especially with the expansion of the Big 10 to include 4 very strong programs. I can’t say they don’t deserve it, though.

Week 9 NFL

Titans 16, Steelers 20

At this point, I’m just going to make a checklist for what to expect from the average Pittsburgh Steelers game. In the beginning, Pittsburgh looking as awful as ever, check. Their opponent jumping out to an early lead, check. Both offenses grinding to a halt thanks to the Steelers D and Matt Canada’s incompetence, check. Chants in the stadium for said inept coordinator to be fired into the Allegheny, check. The Steelers putting together one good drive in the 4th quarter to escape with yet another undeserved victory, you already know what’s going to happen. Too many mistakes were made by Tennessee. Will Levis was exposed for being rawer than sushi by Pittsburgh’s stout defense as they toyed with him all night long. Pittsburgh may be the most undeserving 5-3 team in the league right now. And that’s saying something.

Dolphins 14, Chiefs 21

Even on another continent, the Dolphins still find a way to underachieve and collapse against yet another team over .500. Sure, they may have come back to make this a game in the end thanks to the Chiefs playing down to competition, but there were way too many mistakes made by Miami to justify them winning this game. Kansas City soars from Frankfurt to the top of the AFC with this win, and Miami is left to think about what they need to do to beat a legit opponent. Sure, they look decent against horrible opponents, but something always goes awry when forced to face a real team. Are we just watching their 2016 team in action again? I’m getting flashbacks.

Vikings 31, Falcons 28

With Kirk Cousins out for the year with a torn Achilles tendon, the Purple People Eaters’ hopes and prayers now rest with rookie Jaren Hall. It is here that we remember Minnesota can have no nice things. In yet another horrible turn of events, he also goes down with injury. Enter the man, the myth, the Cardinals legend. Josh Dobbs. Taking the reins of an offense he didn’t even know the names of, he managed to play a competent and calm game against a quality defense in Atlanta. He even managed to lead a pretty good final drive for victory, showing off his rushing ability on a critical 4th down conversion. As for Atlanta, they’re 4-5. Yes, the division is a joke, but look who just leapfrogged you. The Saints. It might be panic time. Arthur Smith, here’s the phone, your job is on the line. No wonder Bijan is openly questioning the organization. I would, too, if I were underutilized like him.

Bears 17, Saints 24

The good news for the Saints is that they’re back above .500, and the planned soap opera of Saints’ locker room drama has been delayed for a week due to a lack of content. The bad is that they looked horribly unimpressive against yet another cupcake opponent in the Bears. Tyson Bagent had another decent game, as Chicago hung around for most of the game against a Saints group that should have had them in a sleeper hold after the 1st quarter. With this win, New Orleans is now 1st in the NFC South. Can we just revoke this division’s playoff spot and create an 8th seed in the AFC? Just asking for some friends.

Rams 3, Packers 20

Less than three years ago, these two teams met in the NFC Divisional round. Today, they fight for a different prize. TANK BOWL!

Just like that divisional round game, this one ended up being a complete dismantling of the Rams’ hopes and dreams. LA was starting Brett Rypien, and apparently that’s the formula to breaking one of the more infuriating losing streaks in Packers history. Unfortunately for the Pack, while they may have won this game, they lose the ultimate prize. The Rams have one-upped them in the tank brigades with this loss. Was it worth it, Packers? All this for a little false hope?

Commanders 20, Patriots 17

Ugly football. Those two words are more than enough to describe this game. It was looking scary for Washington at the start, but they managed to get it together under Sam Howell and a blistering running attack to inch a game closer to .500. New England blew a healthy lead to fall to 2-7, and it may have spelled doom for any slim playoff hopes they may have had. Caleb Williams would look damn good in a Pats uniform, just saying. Draft that man, Bill.

Seahawks 3, Ravens 37

They forced Jim Nantz and Tony Romo to sit through this. That’s honestly the worst part about this game. Besides Seattle getting ritually sacrificed on national television. Little did they know that Baltimore unleashed a four pests campaign that included the Seahawk. There were direct kills for every one of them within a 10 mile radius of the stadium. The Seahawks scored as many points as they had turnovers in this game. It was that suffocating on the defensive front for Baltimore. This win puts them atop the AFC in a tie with Kansas City. I don’t know what to think of them. The objective onlooker in me sees them as a super bowl favorite, but I just can’t help remembering past years where they’ve gotten out to strong starts. Either everyone and their mother gets injured, or Lamar crashes and burns in the playoffs. The time for the Ravens to prove themselves is in January. I’ll leave it at that.

Buccaneers 37, Texans 39

Two teams with talent on defense coming off of horrible offensive performances. Both of those units bounced back in this game. With enough said, the Bucs had a 37-33 lead with 45 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Last week was CJ Stroud’s first terrible game in the NFL. This week, he led the Texans on his first ever big-boy drive. Leading the Texans down the field and scoring a touchdown with 6 seconds left to win the game. Bucs, good game, but 3-5 is a tough hole to dig out of. Be thankful your division is such a dumpster fire.

Cardinals 0, Browns 27

The Cardinals continue their majestic tank for Caleb Williams with an absolute disaster class of a performance against Cleveland. Their defense dominated all day long, and the Browns and Dirtbag are 5-3 despite looking sloppy as hell. That’s all I need to say about this game.

Colts 27, Panthers 13

We have now solved the issue of the Colts’ ineptitude. Apparently, the key to getting their season back on track is putting them against the league’s resident clown show in the Carolina Panthers. Indianapolis had a nice rebound to form today. Their defense, in particular, was stifling. 3 interceptions of Bryce Young as this game was nowhere near close. But it gets better. Next week, they have the Bears. On Thursday Night Football. That game is automatically getting separated into its own article. There’s no way I’m going to be able to recap it in a conventional segment.

Giants 6, Raiders 30

If you need any sign as to why this Giants season has been a trainwreck, look no further than this game. Look at the state of their opponent. Stuck in limbo with an interim head coach in his first game with an offense stuck in quicksand. The Giants lost to them by 24. Even worse for the G-men, their $40 million quarterback just went down and is out for the game. Hate him all you want, Giants fans, but this guy is the best quarterback you have. Tommy Devito is back at quarterback. Tommy Devito. He should be banned from ever touching a football again after what he did against Vegas. The Raiders may have saved their season with this one. Aiden O’Connell looks promising, and Vegas is still only 4-5. They have a chance to make a run.

Giants, I know you’ve had a rough week, but the football gods don’t take no for an answer. Remember that injury Jones went down with? It’s a torn ACL. He’s out for the season. The tanks aren’t just reforming, they’re starting to drive themselves off the Englewood Cliffs at this point. Brian Daboll, come back to Buffalo when you get fired, please?

Cowboys 23, Eagles 28

This game proved how football is a game of inches. Philadelphia did nothing special. They were okay, but they were far from dominant Sunday at the Linc. What ended up costing Dallas were two huge plays at the goal line. Their backup tight end was marked a half yard short of the end zone on 4th down, and Dak stepped out of bounds half a yard short on a 2-point conversion. If they score on both plays, the Cowboys probably win. Fortunately, though, we are saved from Dallas lording it over the rest of us thanks to the Eagles defense stiffening at the right moment to save them from being second-fiddle in the division. Dallas, this may be demoralizing, but next week you get the Giants. That’s your version of a free win.

Bills 18, Bengals 24

I don’t want to hear anyone complaining about the refs, or the injured defense, or the wind blowing in from the river to cover up this atrocious performance. The defense actually did a decent enough job, apart from the first 2 drives of the game. They held the Bengals to 3 points in the 2nd half. Cincy should have won this game by 30, yet the defense stiffened and kept Buffalo in the game late. By process of elimination, the real culprit of this loss is revealed. That garbage offense. Ken Dorsey, how do I put it, isn’t very good at this whole offensive coordinating thing. On most drives the Bills had, they were jammed in neutral thanks to horrible play and good D scheming on the part of Lou Anarumo. Even when they did get into the red zone, they still found ways to screw up. Look, here’s a nice drive, whoopsie, Kinkaid fumbled it, the Bills are screwed. This loss sets them back big time. They’re 5-4. They’re on the outside looking in for the first time this season. They have the hardest remaining schedule out of anyone in the league. These first 9 weeks were supposed to be a cake walk and they’re barely above .500. The transition back to walking mediocrity is being embraced tenfold. Just blow up the coaching staff and let Allen run around again. It worked last year, why can’t it work now? This team is wasting him and Diggs’s primes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if both are gone in the offseason the way this season is going. Also, stop going into zone D against Burrow, it hasn’t worked before so why would it magically do something this time?

Chargers 27, Jets 6

It’s the typical fare for the Jets, where their defense performs valiantly while the offense makes a pop warner outfit look competent. The key difference for this game was in turnovers. The Jets had a bunch. They lost 2 fumbles in the 1st quarter, and everything just went downhill from there. Jets fans are done with Zach Wilson. They literally want him Mussolini’d in Times Square for crimes against decency. Wilson didn’t play horrible, but he sure as hell didn’t impress anyone with his “performance” on Monday Night. Missing wide open receivers, turning into a statue in the pocket, and throwing a hospital pass to his running back when he could’ve kept it for the first down, he didn’t skip a beat under the lights. Even the Chargers’ special teams got in on the mix with a touchdown, which is rare for them historically. The calls to drag Aaron Rodgers back onto the field are coming in earnest now. Do it, Jets. Make me laugh like I never have before.

Do not let the World Series distract you from the glorious gospel of the Pigskin. Another week of football has come and gone. Let’s get on with it.

Buccaneers 18, Bills 24

Another week, another horrible primetime game for all of us to see. The Bills played down to their competition while Tampa played lower than the sewage system. The highlight of the game was probably Josh Allen coming out of the medical tent and carrying these overrated bums to victory. Even then, they still nearly choked again. The defense was frightfully bad in the final minutes of play, including on the hail Mary that ultimately won them the game. If Chris Godwin turns a second sooner on that final pass, the Bucs probably win. Alas, it’s yet another undeserved victory for the Bills, who will face a true test in the Bungles next week. We all know what happened the last time those two met at Paycor. The hope is that it won’t repeat itself.

Jets 13, Giants 10

The Battle of New York. The only thing this disaster of a game ever tells us is which coach is closer to being fired. Today, that coach was Brian Daboll. The offense was absolutely pathetic today. The Jets held them to -8 yards of total offense. -8. Let that sink in for a moment. It’s even more pathetic that the Giants were leading deep into the 4th quarter, again, with a net negative total on offense. With enough said, the G-men are in Jets territory and lining up for a field goal to take a 6-point lead with 24 seconds left. Graham Gano is money in these situations. Watch as he… misses a chip-shot to give the Jets life. This is where Zach Wilson realizes that, yes, he did have some pedigree going into the draft. He leads the Jets into field goal range as Greg Zuerlein boots the field goal to force overtime. The Jets would go on to win the game and are somehow 4-3 having won 3 straight with their backup quarterback. Giants, good game, but 2-6 is a hard hole to dig out of. Enjoy that majestic tank.

Jaguars 20, Steelers 10

Two teams with suspect offenses and strong defenses converging in a rain-soaked Pittsburgh to do battle with playoff implications. What a disaster of a game this was. If the Steelers had anything resembling a competent offense, they would have won this game. What they got instead was a Matt Canada masterclass. Completely dominated by the Jags’ defense all day long and unable to move a feather on offense when it mattered. Even worse, it looks like Kenny Pickett is going to be out for Thursday’s game against the Titans. I can hardly wait for that spectacle.

Eagles 38, Commanders 31

I think we’ve figured out the strategy to stop the Eagles and their potent attack. Put them up against a broken team with a horrible offense. For some reason, the Eagles always seem to struggle against Washington. Thankfully they won yet again, but the Commies had all of Philly scared brainless for a good portion of this game. Philly, enjoy yet another undeserved win against an opponent you should have crushed.

Rams 20, Cowboys 43

During this game, I stopped watching momentarily to go take a shower. When I left, it was 7-3 Dallas. When I returned 15 minutes later, the score was 26-3. I’m not going to mince words here, the Rams got absolutely smoked in a game they needed to win. Matthew Stafford got eaten alive by that Dallas defense all game long as Cooper Kupp got locked up for most of the game. That Dallas D once again almost rushed for as many yards as their opponent today. Dallas? Legit? Seems fake.

Vikings 24, Packers 10

The Vikings are back to .500 after completely owning the Packers last Sunday. Jordan Love was exposed once again against a resurgent defense looking for someone to beat up on after their first 4 weeks. However, this was a pyrrhic victory, as it came at a staggering cost- of Kirk Cousins’ Achilles tendon. Vikings, you’re screwed. Both teams lost today.

Falcons 23, Titans 28

Finally, it has happened. Arthur Smith has finally realized that Desmond Ridder is hot garbage and has benched him for Taylor Heinicke. It didn’t matter, though, as it was too little too late. Making his first career start, Will Levis was balling. It might have something to do with the Falcons being undermanned on defense, but the connection to Deandre Hopkins produced 3 touchdowns on the day to lead Tennessee to a potentially season-saving victory. Atlanta, just be lucky that the rest of your division is hot garbage. You shouldn’t be anywhere near the division lead.

Patriots 17, Dolphins 31

New England, your season has been a trainwreck so far. You got a breath of fresh air by beating the Bills last week. At least you might have a chance of upsetting your opponent this week? The Dolphins. Throw away all pretenses, the Pats are going to get straight up mauled. Miami cruised to victory despite a shaky first half thanks to Jaylen Waddle being near-uncoverable in the later parts of the game. The Dolphins have bounced back nicely after getting punched in the mouth by the Eagles last week and are now tied for the top spot in the conference once again.

Saints 38, Colts 27

New Orleans is coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Jags a week and a half ago, and now faces off against a fellow rebuilding team in the Colts. What a shocker, the Colts rummage their D to jump out to an early lead. This is when New Orleans remembers they still have talent on offense and storm back to take the lead at halftime. The Saints swung their mighty hammer of momentum in the second half, as they get a win that they desperately needed to keep pace in the NFC South. Even better, thanks to the Falcons’ loss, they are now tied for the division crown as well. God, this division is such trash and I love it.

Texans 13, Panthers 15

I don’t care about the score. I don’t care about how good or bad either team did. I need to have a chat with the entire Texans organization. You monsters robbed us of a glorious 0-17 by playing down to competition in heinous fashion. CJ Stroud looked like a complete bum today against a Carolina D that has been gashed the past few weeks. What was that about being competitive again? I think that claim got lost in Charlotte just like your offense did. Shameful.

Browns 20, Seahawks 24

The Dirtbag-less Browns take on their next true test: Facing off against Seattle on the road. Fortunately for Seattle, their defense managed to show up after a couple of shaky drives to secure the game with an interception. The Seahawks continue to defy the odds as they move into sole possession of the NFC West. San Francisco is a #5 seed. That’s a huge revelation.

Bengals 31, 49ers 17

This is the part of the year when the Bungles re-emerge from their underachieving swoon to go back to destroying worlds. Cincinnati marched into Santa Clara and imposed their will against an injured opponent on all sides of the ball. Brock Purdy didn’t look as bad as the previous 2 weeks, but he still looked as unready as ever as the Superteam around him couldn’t do a thing. That’s 3 straight losses going into the bye now. San Fran, you better get your act together because you’ve lost precious ground to Seattle for the division lead. That Dallas game seems like one of Aesop’s Fables to Niner fans now.

Chiefs 9, Broncos 24

So, what the hell happened here? Did I suddenly step into an alternate timeline where Patrick Mahomes regressed dramatically, and the offense can’t convert a 3rd down? It’s so weird to see Kansas City just look completely off and turn into absolute sheep dung against a mediocre opponent. The Broncos looked like the defending super bowl champs today. Chef Russ, of all people, was an absolute baller. Look out for these guys, they may have had a trainwreck start to the year, but they seem to be getting hot at the right time, along with a couple other teams. 10-7 is a realistic possibility with how pathetic the rest of their schedule is. Chiefs, get your act together. The last thing you need is the world laughing at you again.

Ravens 31, Cardinals 24

Writing about this game is just beating the dead horse that is Arizona. They kept to their usual script this week; keep it competitive for a little while, only to have their opponent pull away in the 2nd half thanks to their sheer lack of talent and some boneheaded turnovers. Baltimore’s defense kept them in check long enough to build up a good lead, and most of the Cardinals’ points came in garbage time. Like I’ve been saying, Arizona might be the best 1-7 team in the league. If Gannon had some actual talent down there, they would probably be .500.

Bears 13, Chargers 30

The Raiders lost to this. Against a real team, despite their struggles, Chicago looked as unready as ever as the Chargers completely laid into them from start to finish. LA was looking for someone to beat up on after the last two games, and they did so pretty convincingly. 3-4 isn’t that big of a hole to climb out of, but then again, these are the Chargers. They’ll find some way to screw it up.

Raiders 14, Lions 26

Detroit’s first home game in primetime since 2018. As I mentioned last week, the Raiders are good training wheels for a team trying to snap out of a funk. This meant that all Detroit needed to do was maintain some semblance of a pulse and they would have won this game. Despite looking uncharacteristically sloppy on offense for roughly the 4th week in a row, the Lions were able to capitalize on the sheer lack of an offensive attack by the Raiders. This game was nowhere near as close as the score says, thanks to some untimely turnovers on the part of Jared Goff and the offense. Detroit has now roared out to their best start since 2016 and looks to be in control of the NFC North for the time being. I personally can’t wait for Ford Field to host its first playoff game. That place is going to be electric.

Raiders don’t think you’re out of the woods yet. Mark Davis has seemingly reached his breaking point with this franchise’s current state and has decided to snap some necks. In the least surprising news of the week, Josh McDaniels has been deservedly fired not even a year and a half into his tenure in Vegas. Honestly, it’s completely deserved. The baffling play calls, horrendous game and clock management, starting Brian Hoyer over his promising rookie to imitate New England, and alienating nearly every good player on his roster made him a prime candidate for a pink slip. This guy single-handedly ran guys like Derek Carr and Chandler Jones out of town and was close to doing the same for Davante Adams as well. With the ringleader down, it’s time to clean some house. The offensive coordinator and GM? Gone. The interim head coach is their current linebackers coach who hasn’t even been a major coordinator past the high school level. He did play in the NFL for 9 years, but then again, look at how Jeff Saturday did last year and it’s proof that player experience is useless once you reach the coaching ranks. Raider fans have another reason to celebrate, too. Said linebackers coordinator turned interim coach has also told Jimmy Garoppolo to hit the pine. Aiden O’Connell is now the man under center for the Raiders. The fact that this wasn’t done sooner is a prime example of McFraud and his incompetent tenure.

With all of the playoff baseball on recently, you may have forgotten about the NFL. There’s a lot to recap this week. Let’s get to it.

Jaguars 31, Saints 24

This game was exhibit R as to why Thursday Night Football is a blight upon humanity. The Jags played down to their competition while the Saints played lower than their city is below sea level. This game just boiled down to one giant turnover fest, but the Saints are driving and have a chance to tie it. Foster Moreau is wide open in the end zone- and drops it. Jags win. Saints fans, I know your first instinct is to turn on your tight end for this failure, but the culprit here is Derek Carr. The dude is throwing prayer balls out of bounds and getting mad at his receivers for not running them out. The tire fire is starting in the Bayou once again as they fall under .500 for the first time this year. Looks like my games of the week won’t be the only ones fighting for a daytime Emmy.

Falcons 16, Buccaneers 13

Classic NFC South football. By classic, I mean the two teams involved trying to give each other the game whenever they can. The Falcons put on a masterclass in their traditional choking today, yet still won the game. They had two fumbles from the 1-yard line for touchbacks. That’s how badly they were trying to hand the game to Tampa on a silver platter. But Tampa Bay didn’t reach out and take it. The Falcons win. Somehow, Atlanta is 4-3 despite choking more than Geoffrey from Game of Thrones over the past few weeks. Arthur Smith has his baffling tactics vindicated once again. Just start Taylor Heinicke. He did well in Washington last year. Why not use him?

Raiders 12, Bears 30

Two indescribably awful teams doing battle in a stadium that looks like botched plastic surgery. However, one of these teams is at .500, so is it a tank bowl? Let me take a closer look. Oh, yeah, that’s a TANK BOWL!

Yes, I know the Raiders were 3-3 going into this game, but I don’t care. Their starting quarterback was Brian Hoyer. Even better for Chicago, Justin Fields is injured. In comes rookie Tyson Bagent to take the reins of the offense in his stead. Look at him sling the ball in ways Justin can’t. Look at how the Bears finally unlocked their running game, thanks to having a real threat over the top. I gaze in awe as the Raider defense completely falls apart and gets torched by an undrafted rookie in his first career start. Are you kidding me with this? You know these are the kinds of games you need to win if you want to keep pretending to be competitive, you know? This was a total smackdown. Bad news, Chicago, thanks to the win and Arizona continuing to suck, you have now fallen to the 3rd overall pick in the draft this year. Such is the cost of winning. Keep building up that false hope.

Browns 39, Colts 38

Who knew a game involving the Browns and Colts would turn into an offensive shootout for the ages? This Browns defense has been shutting down everything it has faced so far this year. Apparently, the key to solving their labyrinth is Gardner Minshew and a bunch of ragtag receivers. Despite the loss, there should be no blame on the offense despite the turnovers. That cannot be said about the defense, however. Wasn’t this supposed to be a relatively competent bunch? How the hell did you let PJ Walker and the Browns running game dominate you for stretches in this game? Sure, they got 2 picks, but those were off of Dirtbag before he got vigilante justice performed on him by a Colts linebacker. Those picks don’t count, in my opinion. At this point, Walker is the better quarterback. Unfortunately, he’s not the one the Browns are paying 9 figures. Colts, you can complain all you want about the flags on the final drive, but when you can’t stop an XFL quarterback and hideously predictable play-calling to save your lives, you deserve to lose. At least the season isn’t lost yet.

Commanders 7, Giants 14

Folks, I think the G-men have finally figured something out. The solution to their losing ways is to get their defense destroying worlds again and to face an offense even worse than theirs. Both offenses were horrid today. The Giants are dealing with their typical issues, but they managed to score multiple touchdowns on offense today. These are the first touchdowns they’ve scored on offense since week 2. And also, the first touchdowns they’ve scored at home all season. Just keep starting Tyrod when Daniel Jones gets healthy. He’s the common denominator behind the G-men playing a bit better, and he more than deserves the opportunity coming from someone who watched him play in Buffalo for years. Do it, Daboll.

Lions 6, Ravens 38

What I expected was a statement win, and what we got was a statement win. For the other team. This game was a beatdown from start to finish from a Ravens team looking for someone to beat up on after several subpar performances in a row. For the first time since around this time two years ago, Baltimore completely dominated a legit contender for 60 minutes. I think most of the doubters have shut up now. As for Detroit? Completely stuffed on all fronts today. Their offense went nowhere until garbage time, and their D was completely eaten alive by Lamar Jackson for 28 points in the first half. This game shows that they still have work to do. The fortunate thing for them is that next week, they have the Raiders. They are good training wheels for getting back on track.

Bills 25, Patriots 29

Sunday was National Tight Ends Day. Josh Allen apparently decided to celebrate this by forcing a pass to Dawson Knox on his first throw. It was intercepted. That’s roughly how this game went for Buffalo. I don’t want to hear “Bills, what happened” this entire week. Sure, we Bills fans deserve it, but the people who say that don’t understand the full situation. The secret with Buffalo is that they’re actually massively overrated right now, thanks to devastating injuries on the defensive side of the ball. Combine this with Buffalo’s annual midseason tradition of forgetting how to score points, and it spells doom for any hope Bills fans may have of a competent 60-minute effort. Against a ragtag bunch like the Giants, Buffalo got away with it, thanks to refball. However, they didn’t get so lucky in New England. For 3 quarters, the Bills looked like the biggest frauds in football. The offense was flat and uninspired, the defense was bending, and even Tyler Bass was missing easy field goals. With New England leading 22-10, the Bills went into bailout mode. 2 touchdowns and a forced fumble gave them the lead with 2 minutes to play. However, this is where that hospital ward defense comes back to haunt them. New England marches down the field for the game-winning touchdown, and everyone watching is forced to suffer through Mark Gesicki’s Griddy (along with whatever Mac Jones was doing). Just leave Dorsey in New England. My infant cousin could call better plays than he does.

Cardinals 10, Seahawks 20

This game was the standard fare for Arizona. Keep it competitive for a half, and then allow your opponent to pull away, thanks to your sheer lack of talent. Against Seattle, it was more of the same. The Cards had about 1 good drive, and then everything fell apart thanks to Pete Carroll adjusting. Arizona now falls to 1-6. They might be the best 1-6 team in the league. However, I will say this. You see the team you are playing next week? I would be very happy if you guys won that game. Please beat them, Arizona.

Steelers 24, Rams 17

Two mediocre teams congregated in a stadium where 90% of the fans in attendance were supporting the visiting team. No wonder the Rams lost this game. What this game came down to was whose offense would choke less. And that team was the Steelers. Pittsburgh completely dominated the 4th quarter and, with some help from the refs, managed to win the game. Pittsburgh might be the worst 4-2 team in football right now. I can’t wait for them to get exposed in due course.

Chargers 17, Chiefs 31

The Chargers are still a good team. Their offensive performance in the first half of this game proves it. However, I just don’t think they have enough to keep up with the big boys. Case in point: their scrum against Kansas City at Arrowhead this past Sunday. The Chargers can keep up with their superior adversary for a little while; they can make their defense look silly with flashy plays and long touchdowns, but at the end of the day, the cream of the crop will always come out on top. LA now falls to 2-4, and serious questions must now be asked about this team’s future. This team feels like the 2019 squad all over again. Huge expectations only to sputter and falter when it matters. CBS even unleashed the Swifties on us for roughly the 4th time this season with the stupid stat they showed about Kelce in the 2nd quarter. As if things couldn’t get any worse.

Packers 17, Broncos 19

This was one of the most pathetic displays of football I have ever seen. Two indescribably terrible teams with strong defenses gearing up for 60 minutes of completely unwatchable football. At the end of the day, Chef Russ managed to stave off another loss thanks to Jordan Love having yet another terrible game. Not much to write home about for this one.

Dolphins 17, Eagles 31

For how often the Dolphins offense is talked about, they sure have a habit of vanishing against legit contenders. Case in point: the Eagles. Against the Kelly Greens, Miami only scored 7 points without aid from turnovers. They were completely useless, and Philadelphia just toyed with them all game long. Good on them for getting back on track after the Jets disaster last week. I’m of the opinion that the league is better off when the Eagles are good.

49ers 17, Vikings 22

Putting the Vikings in the tank bowl last week was a mistake. My reasoning? This game. San Francisco played yet another sloppy game. Jake Moody missed a kick in the state of Minnesota for the first time in his playing career. And Bruck Purdy had 3 picks. Minnesota, here is your upset win. They’re back on the radar and are only a game below .500 now. They could go on a rampage if they keep playing like this.

Laughingstock of the Week

The nominees for Laughingstock this week are the Raiders, the Bills, and the Niners. All for very obvious reasons. With enough said, though, the winner this week is the Buffalo Bills! For losing to the 1-5 Patriots in humiliating fashion. Well done.

Another game of the week. I’ve done 3 of these, and it’s only week 6. Can we just have a normal year of football, so I don’t have to keep doing these? Maybe? Enough complaining about my workload, let’s cut to the chase. Two teams enter a Sunday Night Football match about as lopsided as they come.

Entering as the visitors: the New York Giants. Contrary to preseason expectations, they have struggled out of the gate, to the point where they are the worst team in football by a country mile. Their offense cannot move the football. Like literally they can’t move the ball down the field. Daniel Jones has struggled mightily so far. His weapons are an injury-prone Saquon Barkley and some decent tight ends. Their offensive line is frightfully bad. In five games, Jones has been sacked 28 times. That’s over 5.5 sacks per game. The defense has been good, but even it can’t hold the line for very long when the offense literally can’t score points. Their coaching staff has been revealed to be massively overrated due to last year. If you were to ask the fans about sacking this coaching staff, they’d be in favor of it. Even worse, their opponent isn’t exactly a pushover.

The Buffalo Bills. Fresh off yet another round of choking in the playoffs. Like other seasons, they have continued to murder opponents here at the start of the season, but alarming red flags have come up throughout. To start with, a season-opening fiasco against the Jets, with Josh Allen reverting to rookie form and gifting Jordan Whitehead a $250,000 incentive with 3 picks. Then, the London game. Going to Tottenham and laying an egg, thanks to sloppy play and bad offense. The cornerstones of the defense have dropped like flies over the past few weeks. Tre’Davious White is out for the year. Matt Milano is out long-term. Daquan Jones copy-pasting Milano’s injury. But this should be an easy win. At home, in primetime, with Von Miller playing once again. This would be a spectacle.

As the game started, however, the only spectacle would be the punting. Both teams went 3-and-out on their opening drive. However, Buffalo doesn’t just sit complacently. They march the ball down the field. Gabe Davis runs off for a first down and fumbles the ball right to the Giants’ defense. However, this isn’t a big deal. Remember, the Giants cannot move the ball. They get into field goal range but nothing more. 3-0. This is when the Bills wake up and push into Giants territory. They set up Tyler Bass. This man is automatic. But he misses one wide to the right, giving us flashbacks to Scott Norwood. The Giants march down the field for another field goal. It is now 6-0. However, the Bills, they will not stand by. Josh Allen leads them down the field- to an interception. The Giants want that two-score lead. They push to the goal line, but there’s a problem. There are only 10 seconds left in the half, and they don’t have any timeouts. So what do the G-men do? Run a draw play up the middle. With expert clock management, the Giants don’t get any points. End of the half.

After halftime, the Bills finally woke up. After punting back and forth a couple of times, Buffalo finally managed to put together a long drive. They, too, drive to the goal line and then run a draw play out of shotgun from inside the 1. Master play calling by Dorsey. Doesn’t matter, though. They scored on the next play on a checkdown to Diontae Harty. The Bills have the lead in the 4th quarter, but the Giants have the ball. They march down for another field goal. Buffalo then goes back down the field and scores a touchdown. A passing touchdown. A rarity in this game.

This is where the real magic begins. The Giants only have 4 minutes to engineer a game-winning drive. Down 14-9, they are brought to a 4th and 8. And the Bills stop them. But the Giants have all 3 timeouts. Buffalo fails to convert on their first two tries, but they are at 3rd and 8 in New York territory. They’re down to their final play. Buffalo. You’ve got this. This is when Allen decides to sell the game by underthrowing a wide-open receiver in Dawson Knox. 4th and 8. A dilemma is now upon the Bills. They could kick from 53 yards, the same point from where Bass missed earlier in the game. Or they could punt it away and try to pin the Giants deep. Buffalo elected to kick the field goal and missed it wide right again. Something about the Bills kickers missing wide right in the clutch against New York. I don’t get it. Must be the throwback helmets the Giants were wearing. Nevertheless, the Giants have the ball at their own 38-yard line. They march all the way down the field and burn all their timeouts but are down to their final play again. It’s 4th down. What do they do? They convert it. A gutsy throw over the middle to Jalen Hyatt to move the sticks. But now it’s pressure time. Two seconds left and no timeouts from the 9-yard line. Once again, down to their final play. They throw to the end zone, and it’s broken up. The Bills would win, but a flag came in at the last moment for pass interference in the end zone. It will be an untimed down from the 1-yard line to decide the game. Take 4. They’re down to their final play again. Foot on the throat of Buffalo. Fortunately for the Bills, they managed to hold the line. They force an incomplete pass to seal the game. Despite the blatant holding on the play, the Bills managed to escape… the Giants. Well, okay then.

Buffalo, run. Run as fast as you can out of that stadium. You didn’t deserve to win that game. Giants, good effort, but you’re 1-5. That horrible clock management at the end of the half? Probably cost them the game. If they did what they should have done and took the points, or even better, just not run the ball up the middle, they wouldn’t have to go for 6 on the last drive. Gano kicks it in with ease, and the Giants win. Instead, they had to rely on the sandbags they call an offense to get a touchdown. Their offense hasn’t scored a touchdown in over 3 and a half games. That’s legendary ineptitude. Even then, they still got to the 1-yard line twice this game, which should be a sign of optimism for Giants fans. They usually turn the ball over or get sacked before they can get there.

This leads us to the Bills. This game leaves me with more questions than answers. Can the offense wake up and go back to how it was early in the year? Can the defense recover from the injuries and not fall apart down the stretch? Can Ken Dorsey stop sleepwalking through the season and actually call good plays? Can they not run a draw play out of shotgun from inside the 1-yard line? It should be fine, though, since their next two opponents are the Patriots and Tampa. You’re not going to choke those away… are you?

Week 6 Recap

Broncos 8, Chiefs 19

Leave it to the Broncos to take a gift situation and completely defecate all over it, just like every other opportunity they get. The problem today wasn’t the defense, as they held the Chiefs to just 19 points. The issue was their offense. This offense was so bad today that watching it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Only 8 points against that defense? The same one that got torched by the Jets? Sean Payton, here’s your one-way ticket straight to the land of you’re fired. You are horrible. 1-5 is a tough hole to climb out of. Broncos’ country: let’s ride.

Ravens 24, Titans 16

Oh boy, yet another London game where both teams completely fall apart at different points in the game. The good news for Baltimore is that they managed to knock Ryan Tannehill out of the game, so their trademark second-half collapse didn’t hurt them all that much. Tennessee just looked flat. Their offense was anemic, and the defense gave up swaths of yardage to Lamar and Baltimore’s offense. Tennessee is now in freefall. 2-4 and they still have to play the Jags twice. This team is on the ledge. Of the Grand Canyon.

Panthers 21, Dolphins 42

The good news for Carolina is that they managed to keep it competitive for a half. I will admit, you did have me ready to celebrate with that 14-0 lead in the 1st quarter. The bad news is everything else. For the second straight week, the Panthers’ defense got owned by an offense far above their pay grade. Tyreek Hill put their entire secondary through an industrial wash. After the first two drives, the Dolphins adjusted and Bryce Young and his mediocre compadres could go nowhere. Onward to 0-17, Carolina! I would tell you guys to tank, but you guys are idiots and traded your first round pick to Chicago. Who could have predicted this turning out horrible? I’m shocked. That Thursday night match against the Bears is going to be a showdown.

Saints 13, Texans 20

Two fringe playoff teams doing battle in a city that doesn’t even care about football right now thanks to Altuve and his army of trash cans. The regression to the mean for New Orleans continued today, as they were one step behind Houston for most of the game. I must say, the Texans have impressed me so far. CJ Stroud still has a long way to go, but they’ve insulated him with a stout defense and good offensive weapons. He’s not Zach Wilson, and that’s a testament to their structure. Whether or not it leads to a playoff berth remains to be seen, but consider me intrigued.

Commanders 24, Falcons 16

This is one of those games where a young quarterback just doesn’t have it. Desmond Ridder had his first terrible game in the NFL today. The Commies’ defense feasted on sacks and turnovers all game long as Sam Howell and the offense did just enough to stave off a sub .500 record. In fact, Washington, you’re in luck, since you play the Giants next week! Enjoy your free win to 4-3, Commies!

Colts 20, Jaguars 37

Gardner Minshew is returning to the land that made him a meme legend. He’s got a lot of memories on that hallowed turf. Unfortunately, he cannot win today. He is on the Colts. Whenever they make the trek to Jacksonville, they are afflicted with a horrible curse. It happened again today, as the Jags put them in a sleeper hold that they never broke. 31-6 before the Colts even bothered to wake up. It’s panic time, Indy, especially since they’re saying Anthony Richardson will be out for the year thanks to shoulder surgery. Pack it up, boys.

Seahawks 13, Bengals 17

Cincinnati is the luckiest team in football right now. When their ballyhooed offense falls apart in the first few weeks, their defense all of a sudden plays like they’re the ‘85 bears. The next victim of this realization is Seattle. Geno Smith returned to 2017 form today by getting nothing going all game long. Despite the offense doing mostly nothing for roughly the 4th week in a row, they still managed to pull out a win and get back to .500. However, their next game is the true test.

Vikings 19, Bears 13

It’s a game involving the Bears and they’re playing a bad team. You know what this means. TANK BOWL!

It’s the classic Minnesota-Chicago rivalry, where the Vikings go into Chicago and stink it up on offense but still escape with a win. It happened again today. Justin Fields was put to the torch for the 6th week in a row, as Minnesota did just enough to escape with the ugly W. They’ve got a tough schedule coming up, though, and they still have to play the Lions twice. They also have the glorious privilege of getting to play San Fran next week, too. 8 losses is a realistic possibility. For a team that went 13-4 last year, that’s a remarkable fall from grace. I’d just surrender the division to Detroit at this rate.

49ers 17, Browns 19

We now see what Brock Purdy becomes when you take away every single one of his weapons. To be fair, prime Tom Brady would have struggled in this offense today with how many injuries they had. Cleveland’s defense didn’t help matters either. And to cap it all off? Jake Moody pushed a 41 yarder to win the game and gave Cleveland a victory. And this wasn’t even against Dirtbag, either. Try PJ Walker. The Niners lost to PJ Walker. That’s how you know this season is messed up.

Patriots 17, Raiders 21

I have a question. Why was Jim Nantz calling this game? They couldn’t have switched him to, say, Seattle-Cincinnati? This game was an absolute snooze. Both teams kept gifting each other prime opportunities, only to give the football away yet again. New England finally scored a touchdown today. For the first time in over 8 quarters. In fact, they even scored another one late in the 4th quarter! Unfortunately, they stalled for a safety on their final drive and couldn’t solve the Raiders defense. For reference, the Raiders defense consists of Maxx Crosby and a bunch of glorified refuse. New England is now in the pit of despair. 1-5 and their next two opponents are Buffalo and Miami. I’m going to vicariously enjoy watching them lose again.

Lions 20, Buccaneers 6

Today, we got further affirmation that the Detroit Lions are a serious contender. Going into Tampa Bay, they not only solved their labyrinth of a defense, but also completely stuffed an opponent for the 3rd time this season. Aiden Hutchinson had yet another great game, and Detroit turned on the jets in the second half to get them out to their best start in 12 years. I know they’ve had a pathetic schedule excluding Kansas City, but 5-1 is nothing to scoff at. Next week, though, is the true test. Good luck, Detroit. We’re all counting on you.

Cardinals 9, Rams 26

Today, we learned a brutal lesson about the NFL; no matter how much effort you put in, cold, hard talent will usually prevail. We saw that this week at SoFi Stadium. Despite an early scare, the Rams managed to put together a couple quality drives in the 4th quarter to pull away for good. For Arizona, it’s the typical weaknesses that haunt them. They fight hard, but lack star power on both sides of the ball to take them over the top. 1-5 is not indicative of this team’s ability, but there they are.

Eagles 14, Jets 20

The Jets may lack things like good luck, the favor of the refs, and a competent quarterback, but boy, are they capable of playing spoiler. This game followed a similar script to their opening scrum against Buffalo. The offense moved at a snail’s pace, while the defense balled out and made about 15 splash plays to bail everybody out. 3 interceptions of Jalen Hurts and 4 total turnovers, including the critical pick on Philly’s penultimate drive to set them up for the go-ahead touchdown. The Jets may have pulled off the upset, but it’s time to celebrate for another reason. The last undefeated team has fallen. The remaining members of the 1972 Dolphins pop champagne and get their one day of relevance. Jets fans, here’s some more good news. Aaron Rodgers is eyeing a late season return, possibly as early as week 15. You might not have to rely on your defense to go unconscious every game for much longer.

Giants 9, Bills 14

This was a game. I’ll leave it at that. There’s no way I can do this game justice in a normal recap segment. It’s getting separated. Yes, I know the Bills won, I don’t care. They played like excrement and need their own article.

Cowboys 20, Chargers 17

Constantly being on social media makes me forget that the Cowboys are actually a good team. That was put on display in Primetime in front of a crowd of mostly Dallas fans. In LA. In case you thought the Raider fan invasion was bad. But enough about Dallas and media attention, though, since it’s time for the main event.

The Northwood Mirror proudly presents: A lesson in taking the points, featuring established genius Brandon Staley.

Brandon Staley is a complete hack. And this game proved it. When will this man learn to just take the points? He did better this week in that on the failed 4th downs he put it in Herbert’s hands, but at what cost? The Cowboys Defense shut them down nearly every time they tried on 4th down. I won’t call this an exposure of LA, but more of an affirmation of growing suspicions. They’re 2-3 early in the season, and they get no favors as they face Kansas City next week. They’re in serious trouble, and I just don’t trust their regime to fix it. I’ll leave them to think about it.

Laughingstock of the Week

I know I said I was separating the Giants-Bills game into its own article. That doesn’t mean I can’t reference things that happened in that game. This week’s laughingstock of the week is the entire Giants offense, particularly for the disaster that was their final drive of the 1st half. They got to the goal line with 14 seconds left and no timeouts. They have two options. Either take the points and kick a field goal, or take a shot at the end zone, passing the ball so that they can get another play or two. No, the Giants chose option C. A tunnel run up the middle? When they had no timeouts with 14 seconds left? Mike Tirico said it best on the broadcast. That was horrible clock-management by the G-men on that drive, and it cost them the game. Well done.

Another week of wonderful football has come and gone. Despite the playoff baseball going on (yes, I’ll get to covering that soon), our attention must turn to the real events taking place nationwide. Here goes.

Bears 40, Commanders 20

Oh boy, here we go, the NFL putting the worst team in the league in Primetime yet again. The commies aren’t great, but they should make quick work of this ragtag mob at home. This should be a massacre. Wait a minute, what? The Bears are the ones doing the massacring? What kind of drugs is this game on? There’s playing down to your competition and then there’s digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Ron Rivera should have been on the unemployment line yesterday. Even worse was the circumstances surrounding this game. The Bears won. For the first time in over a year. They had lost 15-straight to be exact. Those monsters also robbed us of 0-17. We must now hope and pray that Carolina keeps on sucking to accomplish the goal.

Jaguars 25, Bills 20

Yet another London game. Jacksonville, congratulations! You and your 13 fans are officially the first NFL team to play back-to-back games in London! The game played out as such. No, I’m not going to separate this game because the Bills lost. That doesn’t do this game justice. What does, though? THE RETURN OF THE INJURY BOWL!!!

The first injury comes in the form of everyone wearing blue sleepwalking into Tottenham for the game, as for some reason the Bills didn’t arrive in Crumpetland until Friday. As a result, the entire team just looked flat against a Jags team that had been there for over a week. Josh Allen looked off, the running game couldn’t get going, and most drives ended in coverage sacks and punts. But here’s where the real fun begins. Begin the injury report for Buffalo! Matt Milano out for the year. DaQuan Jones copy-pasting Milano’s injury. Dion Dawkins in visible pain on the sidelines. Taron Johnson and Von Miller are experiencing cramps. You thought the preseason was bad, oh boy, the football gods decided to up the ante tenfold today. Despite all the injuries, the defense still held its own against an offense oozing potential like the Jags. The offense, despite not being broken on the wheel like their defensive counterparts, did not reciprocate, with Ken Dorsey’s play calling resembling someone trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. It was only so long until the dam broke to Jacksonville’s potent running game. The score is deceiving, as most of Buffalo’s points came in garbage time when the Jags were in prevent. This just feels like an opportunity lost. I’m not even mad, I just feel… empty. I’ll just take solace in the fact that the Bills have a pathetic schedule coming up and could probably win 5 or 6 straight. We Bills fans have to grasp at straws here.

Saints 34, Patriots 0

I’ve been waiting a long time to say this. For the first time in my life, the Patriots are in tank bowl territory. You want to know how bad it is for New England? They haven’t scored a point in over 7 quarters. The problem for the Pats wasn’t just the offense, either, although that’s not discounting any of the turnovers committed today by New England. That defense is a trainwreck right now. Both Matthew Judon and Christian Gonzalez are out for a while, and that was the cue for the rest of the defense to just stop caring about football. They gave up 27 points to the Saints. For reference, the Saints in their last 2 games had combined for 26. That’s alarming levels of ineptitude, and it doesn’t get any easier as they face the Bills and Dolphins in the coming weeks. I forgot to mention this game was at Foxboro, too. Whose head do they call for now? Mac Jones? Bill O’Brien? Maybe even Belichick? Who knows at this point? Saints, you have your statement win. Now go prepare for Houston.

Titans 16, Colts 23

Tennessee against Indianapolis early in the season. These games are always a toss-up, and this game was no different. This rendition involved the young, flashy quarterback at the helm for Indy. While the Colts may have won, Richardson was once again injured in this game and might be out for a little while. It’s okay, Minshew is a pretty good backup. Just don’t completely fall apart like you did last year and you’ll be good.

Ravens 10, Steelers 17

When you see the score of this game, you’d think it was somewhat normal, at least by AFC North standards. However, this is deceiving. This was not a normal game. Baltimore roared out to an early 10-0 lead but were stalled in the red zone due to the receivers not being able to catch. The Steelers, meanwhile, did their traditional thing of doing nothing on offense and even going backwards on some occasions. Deep into the 2nd half, the score would remain 10-3. The Ravens offense got caught in quicksand and the Steelers hadn’t even been out of it yet. This is usually the part of the game where the defense shows up and bails out Pittsburgh for yet another undeserved win. However, it wouldn’t be the defense, but the special teams. A blocked punt out of the endzone for a safety led to a score of 10-5. Followed by a field goal to cut the deficit to 2. We have a 10-8 ballgame. Even better, Baltimore was forced to punt again, but Gunner Olszewski coughed up the ball and reinforced his case for the unemployment line. This is where the defense finally transformed from a good D to destroyer of worlds. An interception off Lamar in the end zone. This is where the offense finally frees itself from the quicksand by means of an audibled play call by Kenny Pickett for a long touchdown. Then the defense finishes the job with a strip sack of Lamar to seal the game. This game said a lot more about Baltimore than it did about the Steelers. Their offense is hot garbage. The receivers can’t catch a cold, and the defense can only carry for so long before everyone gets injured again. Now they must fly to London for a probable injury bowl with the Titans. This could get ugly.

Panthers 24, Lions 42

With Chicago now having won a game, all eyes are now on Carolina in the hope that they will achieve immortality by going 0-17. Detroit did their part by completely dominating their foe on all sides of the ball. You know what the Ottomans would do to political prisoners? That’s how this game went for Carolina. Detroit looks like the class of their division as many of us predicted, and as for Carolina? Do I root for Bryce Young, or do I root for 0-17? You already know which one I’m going to pick.

Texans 19, Falcons 21

You know things are messed up this year when Houston against Atlanta is the most even matchup of the afternoon. Two up-and-coming teams with young quarterbacks and strong defenses. Throughout the game, the two sides would engage in some quality football- if you like defense. Both defenses feasted today, but Atlanta managed to wriggle free in the end thanks to a Koo field goal to stay above .500. Houston played well, but these are the growing pains for a young quarterback. CJ Stroud has looked very good so far and will only get better as time goes on. There’s promise down there.

Giants 16, Dolphins 31

Miami, reeling after their first loss, needed someone to beat up on and flex their might. They need to bring some weak cannon fodder into their arena to pad their stats and delude their fans into thinking they’re going to the super bowl. This is where the Giants come into play. In the friendly confines of South Florida, New York looked completely out of sorts and overmatched on both sides of the ball. The offense did nothing, yet again, and the D opened the floodgates to allow the Fins to walk all over them for stretches of play. Even worse, Daniel Jones was injured. It’s sad when Tyrod Taylor, a guy who hasn’t had a regular starting role in 7 years, is running the offense significantly better than the guy the Giants gave $160 million to this offseason. They should honestly just start Tyrod for a game or two to see what they have in him. The season is lost; might as well just experiment.

Bengals 34, Cardinals 20

I don’t care about the final score of this game, the Bungles still look pathetic and had trouble taking out a horrible team in Arizona. The entire team just looks flat. Burrow looked off, the defense was suspect in the first half, and the Cards kept it competitive for 3 quarters despite a significant talent disadvantage. The tanks roll on for Arizona, as Cincy gets lucky yet again.

Eagles 23, Rams 14

This is one of those games where, unfortunately, one team must lose. Both teams played valiantly, and this was easily the best game of the 4PM window. Cooper Kupp returned for the Rams today, and he caught everything in sight before Philly finally pulled away in the 4th quarter. Despite Philly beating the first real team they’ve faced this year, they still have their doubters. However, my concern is that they’re 5-0 and they haven’t even played their best ball yet. Their high-water mark has yet to be reached.

Chiefs 27, Vikings 20

This was one of the most blatant displays of refball I’ve ever seen. For the 2nd week in a row, Kansas City got bailed out of a bad game by their strongest ally: Zebras. Most of the game was straightforward, the Vikings kept it close and even led at times until KC managed to pull ahead in the 4th quarter. This is where the magic begins. The Vikings are within 7 and are driving to tie the game. They get to the Chiefs’ 30-yard line but are down to a 4th and 12. They throw a fade to Jordan Addison, and it’s incomplete, but there’s a flag. However, the refs pick it up and don’t call a thing on the play. Understandable, seemingly, since it was an uncatchable ball. That doesn’t tell the entire story, however. For one, Cousins got murdered in the backfield after he threw the ball. That should have been roughing the passer. You can’t tell me that isn’t roughing the passer after the love tap on Josh Allen in the London game was called roughing. Also, one of his blockers, the fullback CJ Ham, nearly got his face ripped off by a Chiefs pass-rusher. The penalty for that is also of the 15-yard variant and, if called, would have given Minnesota a 1st down. No flag in sight for that, either. And to cap it all off? L’Jarius Sneed, the Chiefs player who was initially called for the penalty, took his helmet off when he went to complain to the refs. Not only did he take his helmet off, but he did so on the field of play. That should have been a penalty, too. Minnesota got completely hosed here, and KC pays the refs off for yet another undeserved victory. Shameful.

Jets 31, Broncos 21

Oh boy. Where do I even start with this game? The closest comparison I can make to this game is two drunk idiots squaring up in a back alley. The fight itself is horrible and some bum is recording it for a DVD. That was this game. The Jets managed to screw up less and claim victory thanks to stout defense and handless players in the case of Denver. Speaking of Denver, they now fall into the pit of despair at 1-4. Next week, they get Kansas City. Not going to get any easier, guys.

Cowboys 10, 49ers 45

Game of the week? The Niners certainly didn’t think so, as they turned this game into the Sunday Night Slaughter. Micah Parsons spent the week leading up to this game trash-talking. San Fran took this as a challenge. Every single strength of the Cowboys was neutralized, and every weakness torn open and exploited as the Niners cruised to victory. Brock Purdy is playing on an MVP level right now, and George Kittle had 3 touchdowns while wearing possibly the greatest shirt of all time (which I cannot include in this article, regrettably). As for Dallas, I wouldn’t panic. Dallas is good, but San Fran is a juggernaut. No shame in getting destroyed by them, especially this early in the year. They’ll have time to figure it out.

Packers 13, Raiders 17

Jimmy G playing spoiler for a crowd of mostly Packer fans in a primetime game. Now where have I seen this before, oh right, that’s every other time he’s faced them. The Raiders themselves didn’t break any records today. This game was delivered to them on a silver platter by the Packerena screwing up. How does it feel to not have a good quarterback to lean on as a crutch, Green Bay? Jordan Love had his first terrible game in the NFL, throwing 3 picks and being mostly useless against a pretty bad Raider defense. Let’s just say he’s got some work to do. Even then, Green Bay was still in the game till the very end, thanks to Las Vegas continuing to screw up every time they had the ball. Can we just revoke the Raiders’ win and give it to Minnesota? They deserve it a hell of a lot more than these bums do.

Laughingstock of the Week

Boys and girls, you know what time it is, it’s time for the illustrious Laughingstock of The Week! This week, we don’t have a particular team, but a member of one. Specifically, the head coach. Sean Payton, the head coach of the Denver Broncos. This offseason, after taking over the Broncos’ head coaching job, Payton went on record saying that current Jets O-coordinator Nathaniel Hackett’s coaching tenure in Denver was “one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.” Guess what happened. His vaunted defense got picked apart for 24 points by a Nathaniel Hackett-led offense. Thus, Hackett got the ultimate revenge: winning. I think he’s pretty happy where he is right now.

It’s finally October. This is the time of year when the contenders begin to separate themselves from the pretenders, and the competitors for the first overall pick begin to reveal themselves. Two such teams met Sunday for a critical match. The prologue to a long season of action surrounding the draft order. TANK BOWL!

Let’s start by doing a quick refresher on the rules of Tank Bowl. Contrary to any athletic ambition, the goal is to lose the game. A hollow win in this game would be horrible for draft position, as both these teams are horrible and would likely be very close in the Tank Bowl standings. However, losing this game would be highly beneficial to whomever was able to do it Caleb Williams is a fine quarterback prospect, certainly better than the dumpster fires under center for both these teams. Let’s introduce the contestants.

First, the Denver Broncos. The narrative this offseason was that the reason for their terrible season last year was horrible coaching from the Hack. This year, the veil has been lifted to reveal the Broncos as a bad team. This might be a worse Broncos team than the one fielded last year. That vaunted defense that destroyed worlds last year gave up 70 points to the Dolphins and got gashed by a 3rd string running back. They gave up 35 to the Commies. They gave up actual points to the Raiders. Even when Denver scores more than 16 points, they still can’t win since the defense has been horrible. As a result, they came into this game at 0-3. But will it be enough to fail harder than their opponent?

The Chicago Bears. We knew they would be horrible this year, but none of us expected this. Their fans talked a lot before the start of the season. Offseason champions, a burgeoning young quarterback, star power. This is the year, they all said. They are correct, this is indeed the year. Unfortunately, it’s the year that they will likely break records for ineptitude. They entered their home opener as favorites and were relegated to the Packers’ property once again. Then, they went down to Tampa and revealed their offense to be incompetent. The next week, their defense would be similarly exposed as Kansas City scored 34 on them. In the 1st half. Their season highlight so far is playing a game with Taylor Swift in attendance. Justin Fields has morphed from a promising young quarterback into pure refuse. Unable to read routes, blaming his coaching, and turning into a diet Lamar Jackson. Their defense defends about as well as stadium security during a College Football field rush. They cannot stop a feather. Even worse, their organization has fallen apart at the seams. Their defensive coordinator resigned under dubious conditions. FBI raids on said coordinator’s home and team facilities. And to cap it all off, Soldier Field was broken into and had over $100,000 worth of equipment stolen from its garage. Rumor has it the offensive line was on the scene for the robbery but couldn’t stop the thieves just like most of the pass rushers they’ve faced this season.

As the game began, the lack of equipment didn’t seem to be an issue. However, the Bears’ defense was as they were walked all over for a quick touchdown by the power of Chef Russ. Justin Fields took this as a challenge. He needs to prove to the Bears top brass that they do not need Caleb Williams over him. Selfishly trying to save his job and ruining their master-crafted tank. Fields would reign supreme in that first half, showing flashes of brilliance and picking apart that dumpster fire of a defense for a 21-7 halftime lead.

They would march down the field on the opening drive of the 3rd quarter and score yet another touchdown. The rout is on. However, this is where the Bears realized something. They realized that to win this game would be to lose. The point of Tank Bowl is to lose the game. Thus, they adjusted their tactics to allow Denver an opportunity to make it a game. And they did. Under the power of Chef Russ and an awful defense, the Broncos crept back to get within a score. However, they were still down by 7 with 5 minutes to go. And Chicago has the ball. This is where Justin Fields realizes the true goal and gifts the ball to the Broncos’ defense to run it back for a touchdown. Tie game. But there’s still a chance. Fields gets the ball back and begins marching down the field, but they’re down to a 4th and 1 at the Broncos’ 20-yard line with a minute to go. Kick the field goal and go up by 3? No. The true goal of this game is to tank. They will go for it on 4th down- and get stuffed because of a predictable play call. Now Denver will get the ball and learn from the Bears’ mistakes by not going for it on 4th down and taking the points. Now down by 3 in the 4th quarter, Justin Fields must pull more heroics. He does – to save the tank. An interception to seal the game. The Broncos win the game, but the Bears win the tank.

Denver still has serious questions to answer. For a team that was projected to contend this year, they are having trouble winning games and scoring points. Chicago, meanwhile, falls to 0-4. Only one other team shares the same record: the Carolina Panthers. They play each other in week 11 on Thursday Night Football, the official broadcast network of Tank Bowl. However, the Super Tank Bowl must wait as the Bears must gear up in a short week for a match against the Washington Commanders. Also on Thursday Night Football. I can’t wait to watch that game.