Cowboys 20, Giants 15

Dallas is struggling big time to start the year. Luckily for them, their next opponent is the perfect remedy: a hot date with the Giants. New York kept it close but were unable to convert in the red zone when it mattered. 5 field goals and Dallas having a better team were the reason why they escaped this Thursday Night disaster with a win. Next week, though, is the true test for them.

Bengals 34, Panthers 24

Cincinnati facing off against arguably the worst team in the league on the road desperate for a win. They did their part by lying over and dying on defense for Joe Burrow as he had his most productive day of the season. However, these are the Bungles; nothing comes easy. Their defense was, once again, godawful. Picked apart for 24 points by Andy Dalton and the Carolina Circus, keeping it within a score for most of the game. The Bungles need to figure things out, and they get no favors as they play Baltimore next week.

Saints 24, Falcons 26

The Saints have fallen back to earth. It started with their loss to the Eagles last week and continues today in Atlanta. Remember when New Orleans’s offense looked unstoppable in the first two weeks? I remember. Saints fans probably do, too, as they allowed Atlanta to control the majority of play and get back into the division race with a win. The NFC South is starting to look really interesting this year. I’m intrigued.

Jaguars 20, Texans 24

Before you is a team that controlled the majority of play, finally got their offense moving outside of garbage time, yet still got their rear ends handed on a platter. Meet the Jags, who do just enough on offense to keep the game close but can’t convert when it matters. It sucks even more because the defense actually did things today. If Trevor Lawrence and the offense could get anything going in the second half, the Jags probably win. 14 yards of offense in the second half. That was all. You sure your job is secure, Doug? I wouldn’t be that nonchalant in the press conference after an 0-4 start. We’ll have to move the Guillotine from East Rutherford to TrEverbank Stadium in the coming weeks.

Broncos 10, Jets 9

Even when they finally have a real quarterback, the Jets still can’t stop Jetting and falling into the same traps. Denver may be on the rise, but they are still very beatable, all things considered. The Jets took this as a challenge: field goals only. The Broncos had 60 passing yards, and they still lost today. I haven’t even mentioned the whiffing king that is Greg Zuerlein. That last kick wasn’t even close! I know there was wind, but at some point, enough is enough. Enjoy the unemployment line.

Vikings 31, Packers 29

I don’t know how you somehow turn a new leaf and revert to your old habits in the same game- but the Vikings did it here. The first half was domination, similar to the games we’ve seen out of them on this surprising start. Sam Darnold skied the ball for a 28-0 lead in the 2nd quarter. Then, the Packers finally woke up. Jordan Love started slinging, and Minnesota started choking again as Green Bay came all the way back and ended up making it a game in the end. Minnesota is 4-0, but as we saw in the 2nd half today, cracks are beginning to form. Fix them.

Steelers 24, Colts 27

Everyone knew the Steelers were frauds at 3-0, but losing to Joe Flacco wasn’t how I thought they’d be exposed. The Colts were hungry for a statement win after the first two weeks, and they got one here over an allegedly strong defense. Despite Anthony Richardson getting injured yet again, Indianapolis managed to cruise to a win on the back of a solid defensive effort- despite a late comeback attempt by Pittsburgh. The Colts are back at .500 with an easy schedule in front of them. They play the Jags, Titans, and Miami. 5-2 is in the realm of possibilities. I’m impressed.

Rams 18, Bears 24

And here is one of the more frustrating losses for the Rams this season. They outgained and outplayed the Bears all day, yet lost due to miscues and untimely turnovers. Matt Eberflus survives for another day as Chicago wins the flyover game of the week by means of sheer dumb luck.

Eagles 16, Buccaneers 33

Let’s see here: Slow, sluggish play, a real temp feel of 109 degrees, and fans passing out and puking in the stands? Yep, it sounds like a game played in Florida. The Eagles on the field matched such conditions. They were dominated all game long by a team with many question marks. Down 24-0 in the first half, it was over. Philadelphia tried to come back and even brought it within two scores, but Jalen Hurts reverted to turnover mode and killed any semblance of a rally. Eagles, you deserve this failure at 2-2. Fire Sirianni straight out of the cannon the Bucs have in their stadium.

Patriots 13, 49ers 30

It would appear that the Patriots’ hot streak to start the season after upsetting the Bungles is now over. They were brought back to earth today in Santa Clara as they got their earth salted by the 49ers. Today, Brock Purdy returned to form, slinging the ball around and feeding George Kittle. The defense did the rest, as San Fran used New England as practice for real teams. Pats fans, did you enjoy your two weeks of relevance? Back to the basement with you!

Commanders 42, Cardinals 14

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again now: The Commies are a playoff team this year. The Red Army advances on the next hapless victim: Arizona. Much like the Prague Spring, they put up a good fight for a half and then were overrun by Comrade Daniels and his band of merry men. Once the second half started, Washington put their desires for legitimacy into overdrive and defecated on the Cardinals from the highest perch they could find. They move into sole possession of the AFC East with this resounding win. See what happens when you don’t have a sniveling charlatan for an owner, Washington? You reap what you sow. It indeed goes both ways.

Chiefs 17, Chargers 10

The Chiefs’ record of incredible luck and fluky wins continues today against the Chargers. The MVP for Kansas City was the same as the other games: Zebras. Let’s start with a convenient 1-game suspension for Derwin James for repeated player safety violations. This is a friendly reminder that the Chiefs employ a running back whose street racing in Dallas this offseason injured an entire family. Unsurprisingly, he gets no spin on the Wheel of Discipline because he wears red and is on the same team as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. Add in a stream of flags for the Chargers and the Chiefs secondary blatantly holding all game, and it spells out a true MVP performance for the referees. Despite a 10-0 Charger lead and Mahomes playing horrible, they were eventually able to come back due to LA being significantly undermanned. Kansas City goes on to 4-0, but a pretty weak one. We all know they’ll just get hot in January anyway.

Browns 16, Raiders 20

The Raiders were punched in the mouth last week against a team they should’ve taken to town. Luckily for them, they have the perfect remedy for such an ailment: Dirtbag. The Browns’ offensive line is perfect training wheels for when the Raiders have to play real teams. Going into this week, Dirtbag has racked up 50 whacks and 3 turnovers. Today, he was hit 11 times and sacked thrice, including on 4th down to end the game, and an interception. This brings his total to 61 whacks and 5 turnovers. Great numbers so far for him. The Raiders will take their free win and move on.

Bills 10, Ravens 35

You may be wondering why I didn’t separate this game into its standalone piece like some other Bills losses in the past. That is simple: they don’t deserve it. Buffalo played like excrement and got exposed by a real team. Turns out that facing the collapsing Jags, Tua Turndaballova and the Cardinals will make any defensive unit look good. Baltimore gets back to .500 with this win and looks like one of the best teams in football. As for the Bills? It’s still early in the year, but cracks are beginning to show. Focus on getting that defense up to scratch first.

Titans 31, Dolphins 12

Those of us who were envisioning more Will Levis memes tonight were unfortunately disappointed. He injured his shoulder on the opening drive, leading to an appearance from the man, the myth, the legend: Mason Rudolph. Guiding Tennessee to a win past a broken Dolphins team, Rudolph played safe and efficiently and finally got the Titans in the win column. For the most part, though, this game was a boring slopfest that was mercifully overshadowed by the other Monday Night game.

Seahawks 29, Lions 42

Over the past few years, whenever the Seahawks and Lions face each other, it’s the signal for both defenses to take national holidays and go AWOL for 60 minutes. This game was no different. Despite the Lions setting pace throughout and controlling most of the play, Seattle was no pushover. Despite some untimely turnovers, they managed to keep the game in check. Detroit’s question marks on offense are now fully settled as they head to the bye. Good stuff out of them.

Laughingstock of the Week

This week didn’t offer anything concrete, so we’ll lean on the crutch that most college football fans lean on for laughs: The entirety of the Florida State Seminoles football program. DJ Ukulele and Mike Norvell have put together a disaster class this season in Tallahassee, and this week was no different. From 10th ranked at the start of the year to 1-4 with losses to the likes of Memphis and SMU. It’s truly remarkable how far you can fall in such a short time frame.

Patriots 3, Jets 24 

What concerned me about New England in this game wasn’t the lack of offense, or the defense being picked apart, or every part of the team seemingly running out of magic pixie dust. What concerned me was the offensive line. Both quarterbacks the Pats threw in there today deserved hazard pay for their efforts. Every time I would look up at the screen while New England was on offense, I would see Brissett either running for his life or rolling around on the ground. That’s not a recipe for success. Patriots, are you ready to get beat up on by the rest of your division? Good, because this is what it’ll be for the other 5 games as well. Welcome back to the basement.  

Giants 21, Browns 15 

Giants, where has this been? They not only went into Cleveland and won but did it with a convincing effort on offense. Despite the Browns D being stout, Devin Singletary and Malik Nabers put this team on their back and carried them to their first win of the season. Are they truly turning a corner, or is this their trademark thing where they inexplicably beat a far superior team on the road early in the season? However, we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. Let’s talk about the Browns’ offense. You know what this means: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge. Dirtbag enters this week having taken 25 whacks and committed 2 turnovers. This Sunday was a special day for him. Dirtbag was sacked 8 times including a strip sack and hit an additional 17 times for a total of 25 whacks and 1 turnover- doubling his whack total for the year. This brings his season total to 50 whacks and 3 turnovers. Hopefully the Browns offensive line keeps doing its thing and transforming into turnstiles so that this number can continue to increase. Now watch them magically become competent when they put Famous Jameis under center.  

Eagles 15, Saints 12 

Things were looking scary for the Eagles in this one. Despite dominating New Orleans on paper, neutralizing their potent offense and outgaining them, they were still tethered to the Saints in score and were even down at the half. This was due to some very untimely turnovers and Sirinani not taking the points. Despite these setbacks, the Eagles were able to pull away in the end thanks to their new wrecking ball, Saquon Barkley, having a day and a very poor throw by Dere by Derek Carr under duress on the final drive. Philadelphia has saved their season, while in the case of the Saints? At least you played good situational football? I wouldn’t panic, it’s still early.  

Texans 7, Vikings 34 

Sam Darnold continues to torch the league with yet another outstanding performance against a legit opponent in the Texans. Darnold and the running game were dominant, and the defense did the rest as CJ Stroud could get nothing going all game long. Houston didn’t look good at all, but they have an excuse of running into the machine that is the new-age Purple People Eaters. Now if you had told me at the beginning of the year that Minnesota would be 3-0 and leading their division with the preseason they had, I’d have chucked you in a straightjacket.  

Broncos 26, Buccaneers 7 

The Broncos have been stout defensively in both of their losses so far. All they need is for Bo Nix to not play like putrid sheep dung and they will win. Wouldn’t you know it, Bo Nix had his first signature game. Slinging the ball around, being in complete command of his offense, and finally flashing the talent that had Oregon hang onto him for 2 years too long. Even Baker Mayfield had to stop in awe at his performance. The Broncos have life again and all it took was some semblance of an offense. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed.  

Packers 30, Titans 14 

The good news for Green Bay is that they’re playing the Titans. This means that all they have to do is maintain a pulse and they’ll be fine. They did that and more against a haphazard Tennessee outfit featuring Will Levis committing more boneheaded turnovers and making his case for biggest meme of the league. Even Malik Willis flashed some of his talent by skying the ball to Packer wideouts. Green Bay has escaped the death pit they were on the brink of when Jordan Love got hurt. The Titans have replaced them there with an 0-3 start. Will Levis, your days are numbered.  

Bears 16, Colts 21 

I was very close to making Matt Eberflus the Laughingstock of the Week for his ineptitude today, but I had already made up my mind on… another event. Let me add some context to what I’m talking about. The Bears have scored a touchdown to cut the lead to 5 with 2 minutes left. Matt Eberflus has a decision to make. He can either do an onside kick and try to get the ball back, or kick it deep and trust his incredibly suspect defense to stop a running back that they haven’t been able to all game. Choose wisely, Sir! He picked option 2, huh? You can probably guess what happens next. Jonathan Taylor gets 10 yards on the first play and the Colts win. When are the Bears going to fire this guy? 

Chargers 10, Steelers 20 

This game proved one thing: Even in the year 2024, you still don’t need a competent offense to win football games. Despite the Chargers controlling the game in the early going, Pittsburgh stayed alive due to sheer defensive will. Once Justin Fields woke up and started doing what he does best- running the ball- it was all over. Chargers, good game, but if Quinten Johnston is your most reliable target, you’re done. Get it figured out. A world where the Steelers are 3-0… 

Dolphins 3, Seahawks 24 

On paper, this looked like an interesting game in the 4PM window. Then, you realize the Dolphins are forced to start Skylar Thompson. Predictable events played out and Seattle cruised to victory on the back of a big day for D.K. Metcalf. The Dolphins are in big trouble unless they can get Tua back soon. I just hope they don’t bring him back too soon, if you get my drift. My best advice is to err on the side of caution, Miami.  

Panthers 36, Raiders 22 

Everything is going perfectly for the Panthers and their tanking ambitions. They look like one of the worst teams in the league through two weeks. They lack mastery of basic tenets of football, like tackling and blocking. They are going on the road to face a team coming off a huge upset and looking for more. They even benched former 1st overall pick Bryce Young for such a game. Everything is going according to pl– wait, no, Panthers, what are you doing, don’t walk away from the cliff! You’re supposed to tank the other way, TANK THE OTHER WAY!!! Why in god’s name is Andy Dalton slinging it around like he’s back in 2015? The Panthers went from Hades to Olympus in one week and all it took was a quarterback taller than 4 foot 2. Raiders, you’ve robbed us of the 0-17 dream. Go get lost at the casinos. All of you.  

49ers 24, Rams 27 

San Francisco and blowing 10 point leads in big games. Now where have I seen this before? The 49ers dominated the Rams for much of this game, but fell apart at the end. Up 7 with 3 minutes left, all they needed was a field goal to all but secure a win- and their kicker Jake Moody misses yet another field goal. Cue a quick drive by the Rams and a touchdown to tie the game. Now, the Niners have the ball back- and go 3 and out. One special teams gaffe later plus a pass interference penalty got the Rams into field goal range to end the game. Niners, congratulations. You’ve now lost two games you should have easily won on paper. Remember these if you’re a lower seed in January.  

Lions 20, Cardinals 13 

Detroit, here is an opportunity for you to bounce back after the offensive disaster last week against the Bucs. The Cardinals may be young and hungry, but they used up all their mana by blowing out the Rams last week. This means that all Detroit needs to do is not mess up and they’ll be fine. They controlled the game for the most part, despite midget man and the Cardinals’ defense’s best efforts. This is a good rebound for them before their showdown with Seattle next Monday. Arizona, at least you weren’t completely terrible.  

Ravens 28, Cowboys 25 

For the second week in a row, say it with me everyone! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!! Yet another week where they get embarrassed at home against a foe that wants nothing to do with their pomp and flash. Baltimore massacred the Cowboys so badly in the first half you’d think it was Custer’s Last Stand. A 28-6 lead in the 3rd quarter should do the trick. However, this is Baltimore that we’re talking about. If there’s one thing we’ve learned about them, it’s that the lead is never safe. Cue the inevitable comeback, just like every other Ravens game over the past few seasons. Dallas even got it to within 3 with 3 minutes left- and then the Cowboys defense decided to disappear on the field again and couldn’t stop a thing as Baltimore ran the clock out on them. The Ravens have saved their season with this win, but now face a tough test in Buffalo at home. As for Dallas? At least you have the Giants? That’s a positive.  

Chiefs 22, Falcons 17 

The Kansas City Chiefs in primetime against an inferior opponent. I have developed a checklist for how these games seem to play out. The Chiefs looking sluggish on both sides early on? Check. Their opponent jumping out to an early lead? Check. Their opponent going flat in the 2nd half and KC taking a sizable lead? Check. The Chiefs nearly blowing the game but getting bailed out by the refs? A lot of people thought this final box got ticked as well. Here’s my opinion: No, Atlanta didn’t get screwed. Yes, that play in the end zone on their penultimate drive should have been pass interference. However, the Falcons’ final drive was aided by bad calls and refball; the incompetence was equal opportunity. I would be more worried about their play calling in short-yardage situations. The Chiefs are obviously selling out against the run and stacking the line of scrimmage… so you run a jet-sweep on 4th and 1. On a drive where you’ve done nothing but screen passes and trickery. Are you sure Sarkesian isn’t still calling plays down there?  

Jaguars 10, Bills 47 

Buffalo is on a rampage right now. If the swaths of dead Cardinals and Dolphins left in their wake don’t convince you, just look at what they did to the Jags in primetime. It was a massacre. The Bills scored touchdowns on their first 5 drives. In the first half. They didn’t punt until their backup QB was in during garbage time. Damar Hamlin got an interception. Damar Hamlin. Buffalo humiliated the Jags straight into witness protection; it was that bad. Even Mac Jones got thrown to the wolves in garbage time to endure his share of the beating. Are you sure Trevor Lawrence is still the solution, Jacksonville? He’s turning into the blonde version of DJ Ukulele with how many throws he’s missing down the field. Buffalo thanks you for the free win.  

Commanders 38, Bengals 33 

Leave it to the Bungles to make a team I called a tank bowl contender a week ago look like a playoff team. While Washington was impressive and efficient, the real blame is on the Bungles’ haphazard defense. They couldn’t make a stop. Did the entire team just go get drunk all week after their collapse at Arrowhead last week? That’s the only thing I can think of. They couldn’t make a play to save their lives when it mattered, even giving up a hail mary-type throw in the final minutes to Terry McLaurin. The Bungles are now 0-3 and hovering over the pit of despair. At least you have the Panthers next week. You’re not gonna screw this up… right? 

Laughingstock of the Week 

This week takes us, yet again, to the college ranks. This week’s Laughingstock is everybody involved in the ending of the Baylor-Colorado game on Saturday night. Let’s start with some context. Shadeur Sanders and Colorado are coming off an embarrassing blowout loss at Nebraska, and so far, haven’t been able to bounce back at home against the Baylor Bears. Down 31-24 with seconds remaining, it is crunch time. Cue a hail mary attempt with 10 seconds left, a perfect throw from Shadeur… and then Will Sheppard drops an easy touchdown. Take two with 2 seconds left. Baylor even took a timeout to organize the defense. Colorado puts it up again… and gets the miracle touchdown with zeroes on the clock. Tie game. Cue overtime, where the Buffs make quick work of the exhausted Baylor D to take the lead. Now Baylor gets the ball back. Enter Dominic Richardson. He’s breaking for the end zone with the ball- but Travis Hunter strips him at the 1 and appears to win the game for Colorado. It’s okay, Richardson was just trying out for the Bungles, we understand. However, here’s the kicker. The crowd of totally legit lifelong CU fans proceeded to rush the field as the refs were reviewing the play; the game was not over. The refs had to clear off the field before announcing that the play stood. Colorado rushed the field again. You don’t know how much we needed CU to get humiliated again, Baylor. Get out of my sight.  

Week 2 is in the books. There’s a lot that happened this week. Let’s get into it.

Bills 31, Dolphins 10

I don’t know how to describe this game other than a complete annihilation of all of the Dolphins’ hopes and dreams. Miami was favored, they were coming off an incredible comeback win, they had everything in their favor! Yet they still found a way to make Josh Allen look like their daddy once again. The much-hyped defense couldn’t make a stop when it mattered, allowing James Cook to run hogwild all over them. As for the offense? Tua Turndaballova decided to make yet another appearance. 3 awful interceptions, one of them a pick-six, to give Buffalo 17 free points. And then he got injured. The good news for Miami is that despite how scary the injury looked, Tua still isn’t retiring. The bad news is that it’s his 5th concussion in as many years. I don’t know how he does it- or if he does it at all.

49ers 17, Vikings 23

All of us who doubted Sam Darnold last week and were made to eat crow had the convenient excuse of the Giants’ defense. Today, Mono Man had to face a real team- and did the exact same thing. Darnold was outstanding once again, but the show’s real star was the Vikings defense. They were suffocating and relentless, making Brock Purdy’s life a living hell and taking advantage of the absence of several key players. Niners, you may have lost in embarrassing fashion, but I’m not done yet. McCaffrey was placed on IR before the game. George Kittle went down. Nick Bosa had ankle issues. It might be a long 4-6 week stretch coming up for you guys.

Seahawks 23, Patriots 20 (OT)

Two teams entering uncharted territory: The Seahawks in their first road game without Carroll, and the Patriots in their first home game without Belichick in over 20 years. Safe to say that this game was just as entertaining as I hoped it would be. Even for their flaws, New England had the lead late with an opportunity to seal it with a field goal… and then Joey Slye channeled Chad Ryland last year by pushing the kick wide and to the left. The Seahawks are the kind of team that will make you pay for such errors. They don’t flip the game but do enough to tie the game and send it to overtime- and then the offense did the rest as they won on a walk-off field goal. Patriots, you may have lost but take pride in the fact that nobody thought you would look good this year. Despite Backup Brisket and the passing attack needing some work, their ground game is legit. Keep it up.

Giants 18, Commanders 21

In what might be a preview for a Super Tank Bowl in about 2 months’ time, the Giants and Commies meet in the house that pain and failure built for an uninspiring game of football. If there’s any solace to this matchup, at least we get to see the rookies instead of last year where there was no talent on either side. Jaden Daniels looks good so far. Despite Washington’s inability to convert in the red zone (yet again), they did enough to set up new kicker Austin Seibert for 7 clutch field goals. Giants, you may have scored touchdowns this week, but the W’s still elude you. Like I said last week, time to sharpen that guillotine.

Chargers 26, Panthers 3

Things are looking dire in Charlotte. After last week’s alleyway mugging at the hands of New Orleans, the Panthers return for their home opener to a crowd of… mostly Charger fans. This is the first time in about 8 years that Charger fans have outnumbered those of the opposition, home or away. I don’t know what does if that doesn’t tell you how apathetic Carolina has gotten. As for the game itself, predictable events played out. LA had their way with that trash defense all game, but the Panthers’ main concern should be Bryce Young. He has looked horrible. He’s skittish in the pocket, he’s making insanely questionable choices with the ball, and his presence is so tiny on the field you’d confuse him with Tyrion Lannister. They’re 0-17. Watch now; it’s that bad. Chargers, enjoy your free win to 2-0. Send Ryan Poles a fruit basket while you’re at it.

Saints 44, Cowboys 19

HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!!!! It’s one thing when the Saints hang 40+ on Carolina, but when they do it to Dem Boys? It turns a lot of heads. Dallas was completely dominated in their home opener on all sides of the ball. Their offense was passable until Dak started getting desperate in the 2nd half, forcing it into triple coverage. As for the defense? Would you seriously call whatever they did on Sunday “defending”? They just stood there for the most part and let the Saints’ wideouts run right by them, apart from a fluke interception in garbage time. They didn’t keep them off the board until the 4th quarter. They were annihilated today by Derek Carr, of all quarterbacks, slinging it like he’s back in his 2016 prime. Saints, we thank you for this glorious bounty of getting to laugh at the Cowboys. To them, it’s just a side effect of a legit statement win.

Colts 10, Packers 16

Anthony Richardson is a man of many talents. Consistency is apparently not one of them. Last week showcased his tremendous upside; Sunday exposed his flaws. A-Rich was god awful. Green Bay didn’t even do anything special; they had one good drive in the 1st quarter and then sat back and played conservatively for the rest of the game. Despite a late comeback effort, it wasn’t enough. Green Bay wins and avoids the 0-2 death pit that the Colts now find themselves in.

Browns 18, Jaguars 13

The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge is back! Let’s see what glorious bounty the Jags defense gave us today! Dirtbag entered Sunday’s game with 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. The Jags didn’t get him as hard as Dallas did last week, but they still sacked him twice and hit him 6 more times, despite forcing no turnovers. This brings Dirtbag’s season tally to 25 whacks and 2 turnovers. Surely with this defensive effort, the Jags must have won, right? Surely in the grand opening of TrEverBank Field, the namesake would have done something, right? He didn’t? The Jags offense sucks even more than Dirtbag? Oh, joy. Don’t worry, though, Jacksonville, because you get the Bills next week. Enjoy getting massacred in primetime in front of the Mafia.

Jets 24, Titans 17

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Who the hell wants to win? It certainly isn’t these two poverty franchises whose wasted potential is only matched by their incompetence. In the Jets’ case, it’s a heinous instance of playing down to their competition. As for the Titans, they’re just a bad team. Example A was Will Levis, who committed his Boneheaded Turnover of the Week in the form of a desperate lateral to his checkdown option. On 3rd and short in the red zone. In the 2nd quarter. When they were up by 7. This is the kind of incompetence you don’t even see in Pop Warner, yet Levis is out here playing like his hands are lathered in mayonnaise. It’s enough to do the unthinkable: Give the Jets hope. Despite a slow start, the offense woke up in the 2nd half to do just enough to hold off Tennessee. They’ve looked incredibly fraudulent so far, but a win is a win, I guess… right?

Buccaneers 20, Lions 16

This game was a defensive struggle. It came down to which team made the fewest mistakes. And today, that team was Tampa Bay. Despite Aiden Hutchinson having a career day, the Bucs were able to capitalize on Detroit’s miscues in the red zone to take the lead late and hang on. Tampa Bay looks legit, but is it sustainable? That’s a question for down the road. Detroit looks good so far, but this is a reminder that they’re not invincible.

Raiders 26, Ravens 23

The Ravens lost by a toe last week at Kansas City. They will be out for blood in their home opener. Luckily, the pipsqueak entering their arena is just the remedy: a Raiders team that can’t score points to save their lives. Despite seemingly everything being in their favor, the Ravens played down to their competition… at least for three quarters. They managed to pull away in the 4th, taking a 10-point lead. This is when Baltimore decided to exhibit their most dire trait of all… the choke. The Ravens proceeded to blow said 10-point lead. Gardner Minshew and the ground game working them as Baltimore gave up yards ad nauseum to give the Raiders both the lead and, eventually, the win. Glad to see their choking gene hasn’t gotten out of the system yet. Enjoy being 0-2.

Rams 10, Cardinals 41

Rams, allow me to introduce you to Marvin Harrison Jr. He will carve up your defense like a frog on a dissection tray as Midget Man throws dimes to him all game. Even your offense stopped producing to gape in awe at his performance. The Cardinals look good, but is this sustainable? That question will be answered soon. LA, you looked horrible, and the injuries don’t help you either. Figure it out.

Bengals 25, Chiefs 26

Look at this, the Bungles are bucking their early-season stereotype and have a late lead against the Kansas City Chiefs. Pat Pick Mablowmes made yet another appearance today, throwing 2 interceptions and furthering his case for the most overrated quarterback in the league. Down by 2, the Chiefs are down to a 4th and 16 from their own 45-yard line. This is where the Chiefs’ MVP over the past few years comes back to help them: zebras. Despite the pass landing incomplete, the refs called a pass interference penalty on Cincinnati. Here’s my take on that call: game-changing penalties like that one on a 4th and 16 shouldn’t be called unless they are clear, egregious penalties. This one was borderline at best, and they shouldn’t have called it in that situation. They were both going for the ball; the contact was incidental and didn’t restrict either receiver’s arms. In addition, the ref that called it waited for the pass to fall incomplete before he even reached for his flag! That flag put the Chiefs into field goal range for Harrison Butker to end the game. Cincinnati gets royally screwed over on their way to their 3rd 0-2 start in as many years. Stuff like this is why some people believe the league is rigged. Embarrassing.

For further analysis, we go to a smug bandwagon Chiefs fan: Henry Kress ‘26.

“I love the refs. Pat Mahomes is the GOAT.” – Henry Kress ‘25

Steelers 13, Broncos 6

We need a special guest to break it down for such a special game. We go now to a corresponding Yinzer and 2024 Northwood graduate: Sam Rudy.

“What a boring game. Steelers vs. Steelers, refs and Broncos. I thought the Steelers played a decent first half. They had a lights-out defense, were moving the ball offensively, and finally had a few plays that showed some sparks. I think they fell asleep in the second half, along with the Broncos finally starting to step up. Bo Nix is not the Broncos’ solution. He turns the ball over too much, although he does show some speed and playmaking ability. All in all, the Steelers got the job done, but this game should have been at least 28-6.” -Sam Rudy ‘24

Bears 13, Texans 19

Two young quarterbacks each making their first career appearances on Sunday Night Football. The stage was set for a spectacle. We did indeed get a spectacle- from the defenses. Despite Stroud and Williams playing very good football for stretches throughout the game, the defenses stole the show on numerous occasions by stuffing everything in sight. In the end, the Texans did just enough on offense to win, while the Bears couldn’t get anything going until the 2nd half. Houston, you’ve looked incredibly sloppy so far, but you’re 2-0 and seem to be in control of your division. Keep it going.

Falcons 22, Eagles 21

Kirk Cousins in primetime: it’s a narrative like no other. Despite Cousins doing typical Cousins things early in the game, the Eagles played heinously down to their competition, keeping Atlanta in the game for way too long. The Falcons even had a lead deep into the 2nd half due to the Eagles’ defense forgetting how to tackle yet again. It’s fine, though: Philadelphia was able to tush push their way into the end zone to take a 3-point lead. Better yet, they stuffed the Falcons on 4th down and are driving into the red zone and can knee the ball out to end the game with another first down. They are down to a 3rd and 3- and then Saquon drops a routine screen pass. Cue the field goal to increase the lead to 6. Kirk Cousins has a history of sucking in primetime, particularly on Monday Night Football. Philly is even a team over .500, so double the curse on Cousins. This kind of situation for him is usually filled with pain and misery for the fans whatever team he is on. You would be correct, that drive did lead to pain and misery- for Eagles fans. Perc Thuggins methodically picks their defense apart as Drake London has his first signature game with several key catches. The Falcons take a 1-point lead, followed by a Hurts interception to close it out. Eagles, you had the division in the palm of your hands, and you let it slip away. Remember this one if you end up as a wildcard in January.

Laughingstock of the Week

And now, esteemed ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the Laughingstock-of-the-week. This week didn’t feature much in the NFL, but definitely did in the college ranks. This week’s Laughingstock is Northwestern State, for their travesty of a game against Southern Alabama. They got blown out of the water 87-10. It got so bad that both coaches met after the 3rd quarter and agreed to play a 6 minute 4th in order to end the game quicker. That’s the closest thing to a mercy rule you can get in College Football, and it just happened to these guys. Contract the program.

You may have noticed I didn’t do a season preview this year. Don’t worry; the recaps are back with a fury, and we have another exhilarating year of NFL ball ahead of us. Let’s go over the opening week’s festivities.

Ravens 20, Chiefs 27

In keeping with past tradition, the first game was full of sloppy play and teams still settling into their respective games. In the case of the Chiefs, however, they didn’t skip a beat on offense. Despite a stout ravens D, the Chiefs were always one step ahead due to their rookie Xavier Worthy showing the rest of the league why it was a mistake to let KC draft him. However, Baltimore wasn’t a pushover, either. Despite committing about 56 penalties, they set themselves up for a game-tying final drive. They are down to the 10-yard line for the final play and even score a touchdown to Isaiah Likely. Nope, wait, scratch that. His toe was on the line as Likely decided to imitate Kevin Durant against the Bucks. Game over, Chiefs win. Maybe Lamar could’ve hit his open receivers earlier in the series instead of having to go for broke on the game’s final play.

Packers 29, Eagles 34

The NFL has come to Brazil. Featuring two green teams. In a neighborhood where green is a rival gang color. On a field that would put Super Bowl 57 to shame. Yup, this sounds like yet another excellent job by the Shield. The game itself mirrored such conditions. The game started out slow and sloppy but then developed into a total slugfest where neither team could stop the run or throw the ball down the field. The Eagles were starting to pull ahead in the 4th with a 5-point lead, but Green Bay had the ball back with a chance at a miracle hail Mary. And then Jordan Love gets injured. Malik Willis gets thrown to the wolves on the final play of the game and predictable events play out. Eagles win. Packers, good game, but I would be more concerned about the injuries. Jordan Love will be out for 4-6 weeks. Enjoy Malik Willis. Maybe you can revive him and increase his trade value come the deadline.

Panthers 10, Saints 47

Welcome to the Superdome, where Derek Carr’s remains will be ground up and used for a voodoo ritual on Bourbon Street. Panthers, allow me to give you a tour of the butchering line. First up is our esteemed hall of illusions, where the preseason optimism consumes you whole and you are lulled into a false sense of security. Next, welcome to our specialty dissection table, where Carr picks apart your awful defense for a career day. 47 points worth of it. Finally, great fears will be presented to you in our mirror of reality. That being, Bryce Young is stunted in development, and Carolina is ruining him. What, kill you? We just started having fun! Just wait till we break out the game tape from last year! Panthers, it’s going to be a long year. I would recommend Seppuku.

Vikings 28, Giants 6

Who knew that reviving Sam Darnold’s career was returning him to where it all fell apart? Although, to be fair, the Giants defense has developed a habit of making opposing quarterbacks look good. Darnold was just that today, skying the ball for over 200 yards and building his case for a starting job in this league in J.J. McCarthy’s absence. You would think the G-men would respond to this, but then you realize they have the 160 million-dollar man Danny Derps throwing the football. He was exposed in kind as Giants fans left their home opener in droves during the 3rd quarter. I understand. I wouldn’t want to be in New Jersey, either. Time to sharpen that guillotine. Daboll and Schoen, prepare to face the tribunal.

Patriots 16, Bengals 10

Leave it to the Bungles to take a gift situation and completely fumble the bag. Cleveland and Baltimore lost, allowing them to gain precious ground in the division race. They failed. Miserably. The game was a microcosm of such a situation. Blown opportunity after blown opportunity, the headliner of which was the tight end running for an easy touchdown and then Bungling the ball at the 1-yard line for a turnover. The defense was similarly stagnant. Backup Brisket wasn’t even that impressive; he just handed it to Rhamondre Stevenson every play and he would run away for a 20-yard gain. Just awful, awful stuff to give the Pats life in their season. The fortunate thing for the Bungles is that this kind of slow start happens to them every year. In a vacuum I wouldn’t be worried, but with that pathetic display? That’s concerning.

Steelers 18, Falcons 10

Is Arthur Smith still coaching the Falcons? Because there’s no other explanation for how they underutilized their vast array of talent on offense yet again. Or maybe it’s just the Atlanta curse hitting them just like every other year. Perc Thuggins went off today in his Falcons debut. 150 yards for a touchdown and 2 picks. His best career talent has been his ability to fool teams into giving him the big bucks. Now we see why Atlanta drafted Penix so high. They know. Never mind all this, however, as the Steelers are somehow in sole possession of the AFC North on the back of the defense and Chris Boswell. What a time.

Texans 29, Colts 27

The last time these two met, it was with the AFC South title on the line in an excellent game. Today, both teams picked up right where they left off. A defensive struggle in the first half morphed into a shootout in the second, with CJ Stroud and Anthony Richardson skying the ball to receivers all game. However, much like last time, the Texans managed to pull away in the end, getting a stranglehold on both the clock and the game to escape with a win. Colts fans, don’t feel bad, though. At least you have Notre D-… oh wait. Hoosiers, look away.

Cardinals 28, Bills 34

I’m chalking this one up to game 1 rust. It looked scary for Buffalo in the 1st half with a 17-3 deficit at one point, but Josh Allen and the defense eventually woke up in the 2nd half to storm back and win the game… despite Arizona, of all teams, keeping it way too close for comfort. All I’m going to say right now is that Josh’s hand better not be an issue and they can’t play like they did this week in order to beat Miami on Thursday. For more detail on this playing down to competition, we go to a special correspondent on Northwood’s hockey team: Jacob Brunton.

“I missed my Sunday heart attacks. Josh Allen is my hero. He will save Buffalo.” -Jacob Brunton ‘25

Titans 17, Bears 24

With all the hype surrounding Da Bears this offseason, it was no surprise that they once again flopped right out of the gates. A 17-3 deficit at halftime was just what the doctor ordered to humble these guys. However, this is where the Bears’ defense woke up. They made Will Levis’s life a living hell, with Levis literally falling to his knees on a pick 6. Caleb Williams did next to nothing, but he will still get credit for a win that shouldn’t have even been close. Next week, you get the Texans. Have fun.

Jaguars 17, Dolphins 20

Tyreek Hill was briefly arrested outside the stadium before the game, which was captured in a video that went viral. Seemingly showing solidarity with him, the entire Dolphins team decided to arrest themselves and proceeded to do nothing the entire 1st half. 17-3 at halftime… then the Dolphins broke free, stormed back into the game, and won on a kick from Jason Sanders. Jags, good game, but collapsing like that in the 2nd half needs to be examined. Miami, though, looks like they haven’t ironed everything out yet. We’ll see on Thursday.

Broncos 20, Seahawks 26

Things looked dicey for the Seahawks in the early going. It was a defensive struggle in the first half and midway through the 3rd, Denver actually had a lead. It would not last. Seattle finally woke up on offense late in the game and started putting up points, despite Bo Nix’s attempted comeback. The Seahawks hold off the doubters for now, but will it last? Next week, they get the Patriots. They should be good training wheels for this offense to gain consistency.

Raiders 10, Chargers 22

Jim Harbaugh’s first game back in the NFL. I would argue that he shows no rust: he continues to make the Raiders his property. Ironically, this game played out a lot like most of Michigan’s over the past few years: The offense sputtered for 3 quarters and the Chargers stayed in the game due to sheer defensive will. Midway through the 3rd quarter, LA only had 4 first downs, but their defense did just enough to keep them in it in time for the offense to pull away in the 4th due to high-end talent. The raiders are weird to me. Their defense is pretty good, but if their offense keeps doing… well, that, it’ll be a long year for the Silver and Black. Can’t say it won’t be entertaining, though.

Cowboys 33, Browns 17

Remember how much laughter was had throughout the Prescott contract situation? Well, Jerry decided to end that saga before the game by drowning Dak in gold bars. Prescott is a Cowboy for 4 years to the tune of $60 million per year. That’s lavish. Dak seemingly decided to celebrate by flashing his tremendous upside outside of January. That allegedly strong Browns defense, apart from the game’s first series, got picked apart. Enough about Dallas, though. It’s time for the main event: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge!

Watson’s saga with his 66 allegations is well known at this point. It is my belief that every team should perform vigilante justice by whacking him at least once a game in the form of a roughing the passer penalty. Today, Dirtbag took a beating in a dominant effort by the Cowboys defense. In the season opener, Dirtbag threw 2 picks, was sacked 6 times and laid out another 11 times for a total of 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. This doesn’t even consider the 4th downs where he missed open receivers. We will continue to track Dirtbag’s vigilante justice tally throughout the season as he gets what he deserves behind that awful offensive line and makes his case for the worst contract in the league. No one feels bad for him. Next week, they face the Jags. Have fun with their stout defense, Deshaun.

Commanders 20, Buccaneers 37

Today, we saw why Tampa Bay is still considered the favorite for the NFC South. Mayfield had a pretty good game today, and the defense did enough when it mattered as the Bucs cruised to victory in their home opener. This comes with a massive asterisk that this was against the Commies and not a real team, but take what you can and run. Even if they are revealed as fraudulent, they should only need 8 to 9 wins to take their joke of a division. Commies, your youth is exciting, but this is probably your tank year. Surround Daniels with more elite talent through the draft.

Rams 20, Lions 26 (Final/OT)

We hold this truth to be self-evident: Whenever the Rams and Lions face each other, it will be a quality game of football where it’s unfortunate that one team has to lose. Both teams showcased their incredible talents in this game- the first half showcasing the defensive prowess, while the second half exhibited the offenses. Unfortunately, though, what killed the Rams once again was their red zone offense. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before. A critical drive to the 1-yard line early in the 3rd quarter was undone by a collection of penalties and Detroit’s defense. Yes, the Rams took the lead late, but the Lions were able to tie the game easily. And then they ran it down the throat of LA’s exhausted defense to win on the opening drive of overtime. Here’s an idea, LA. Block Aidan Hutchinson next time. Your total inability to stop him was what cost you this game.

Jets 19, 49ers 32

Even in a year where narratives seem to be turning onto their heads, there’s always one crutch we can rely on for a quick laugh: The Jets. Look at how their fans are celebrating finally having a quarterback. There was one problem. Their vaunted defense decided to perform magic and disappear on the field. Despite some hiccups in the early going, San Francisco had their way with them all game. As for the Jets offense, they have Aaron Rodgers. You would think this is a positive, until you realize that he is affected by a voodoo curse whenever he faces San Francisco. New Jersey was completely destroyed. Niner fans were getting up and leaving with 6 minutes left. It was that bad. Jets, this is what we call getting humbled. Have a nice helping of it before your cakewalk schedule over the next few weeks. Beat a real team and then we’ll talk.

Laughingstock of the Week

Don’t even think for a second that I forgot about this. This week’s Laughingstock is the one and only Dirtbag, not for his disastrous performance on Sunday but for immediately after it. Yet another woman has come forward, accusing Dirtbag of sexual misconduct and battery on a date. Make it 67 allegations for Dirtbag. If this goes forward, not only will Dirtbag be dragged into yet another legal mess (deservedly so), but the Browns could also void his contract with cause, provided sufficient evidence of misconduct comes to light. He could get what he deserves after all, which I would be happy about even though it would bring the Whack-a-Dirtbag challenge to a preeminent close. Please throw him out of the league, Goodell.

All of Gus Garvey’s NFL recaps can be found here.

I can’t believe it, but it’s that time of year again. The final week of the regular season is upon us. Some of you may know the drill from last year, but I’ll run through it real quick for those who don’t. Unlike other weeks, I will not do this recap strictly chronologically, but rather based on relevance to the playoff picture. That said, let’s get the unimportant games out of the way quickly.

Vikings 20, Lions 30

In what may be a surprise move, the Lions are not resting their starters against the Vikings in a game they don’t need to win. The reasoning is that they’re technically still alive for the 2 seed and to gain momentum for the postseason. Despite the Vikings’ defense keeping it close and Aaron Glenn making Nick Mullens look elite for a couple of drives, the Lions cruised to victory on the back of a revived offense. Maybe getting screwed over by the refs last week has them hellbent on revenge against the league. Or I’m just overreacting. Unfortunately, Detroit, you also win another prize: heaps upon heaps of injuries. Kaliph Raymond and Sam LaPorta both went down with potentially serious injuries, which could prove costly down the stretch. As for the Vikings? They had a slim chance of entering today but were eliminated even before their game ended. It’s a fitting end to yet another disappointing season.

Eliminated: Minnesota Vikings

Their season was over when Cousins went down at Lambeau. It sucks, but this season proves even more how unprepared the Vikings are when he and Jefferson are out. The defense looks good, but they need more playmakers on offense for next year. Get to work.

Jets 17, Patriots 3

In what might be Old Bill’s last game with the Patriots, he must get a suitable sendoff. A HEAVYWEIGHT TANK BOWL!!!!!!!

A tank bowl between two trash heaps on the frozen tundra of Foxboro. In any other scenario, this game featuring lifeless offenses and overworked defenses would be cruel and unusual punishment to watch. However, the football gods must have realized that a bad football game was about to take place and brought about an epic snowstorm. The blizzard made this game infinitely more enjoyable to watch. A cold, blustering powder affecting everything on the field of play. Both offenses getting stuck in quicksand as usual, but who cares, they’re playing in the snow, the goal is to have fun. The Jets certainly did, after getting a couple of turnovers late to seal the win and run up the score. They snapped a 15-game losing streak to New England and got their first win at Gillette in over a decade. All that for the small cost of their majestic tank. Hope it was worth it.

Browns 14, Bengals 31

It’s a meaningless game for both sides, with the Browns being locked into the 5 spot in the AFC and the Bungles already being eliminated yesterday. However, a rivalry is still a rivalry to teams that otherwise have nothing to play for. Cincy saw their opponent resting all of their starters and emphasized their incredibly disappointing season with a blowout. It’s not much, but you can call it a moral victory or something, right?

Broncos 14, Raiders 27

Broncos, whatever foolish optimism you had for the playoffs died last week despite your fluke win over a team with no offense. Unfortunately, today, you must play a team with a slightly less horrible offense in the Raiders. Their defense straight-up quit on them. Las Vegas had their way all game long as Denver had no answers for them. Raiders, this may be another disappointing season, but one thing must be said. Antonio Pierce is legit. Mark Davis, you better bring this man back next year, or I will want heads. You’re not going to extend him, are you?

Rams 21, 49ers 20

There were some who bought tickets to this game at the start of the year, envisioning a mighty clash for the NFC West crown. However, that is not the case, as both teams are locked into their respective playoff spots and have nothing to play for. This means we get the battle of the quarterbacks that everyone forgot about. Sam Darnold versus Carson Wentz. The Niners may have been out to a lead late, but Wentz made his case for a permanent backup role somewhere next year by leading the Rams’ backups to a comeback win in the closest thing to a preseason game we’ve seen this year. Not much else to say on this front.

Chiefs 13, Chargers 12

It’s a quarterback matchup worthy of song. Blaine Gabbert versus Easton Stick! The game was as terrible as everyone expected it to be. In the end, the Chiefs’ backups managed to eke out a win against the withered husk of the Chargers to gain some momentum going into the playoffs. They’re going to need it, too.

Now, let’s get into the games with actual playoff importance. First on the docket is the 7th seed in the AFC. Pittsburgh can claim it with a win and a Jacksonville or Buffalo loss. The Texans and Colts are also up for it but play each other so one of them will get the 6 seed while the other will get eliminated.

Steelers 17, Ravens 10

A rain-soaked Baltimore and a must-win scenario for Pittsburgh. This has literally happened to them almost every other year. Baltimore was resting all their starters today, so Pittsburgh got the luxury of facing Tyler Huntley. Predictable things occurred. The defense dominated while the offense did just enough to escape with a win. Now, the Steelers wait.

Texans 23, Colts 19

Win and in. That’s what’s on the line here. Win, and you’re in the playoffs; lose, and you’re out. Both Houston and Indianapolis would fight neck and neck to try and secure a W. Houston may be leading late, but the Colts are driving and have a chance to take the lead with a touchdown. They get to a 4th and 1 in field goal range. They throw- and it’s dropped. Game over, Texans win. Houston, congratulations, for this win. It nets you your first playoff berth since the Bill O’Brien era. Well done.

Playoff Bound: Houston Texans

I’m honestly very impressed. To go from one of the worst teams in the league last year to this. Demeco Ryans has done such a great job with this team, and it shows. Now, onward to the postseason.

Unfortunately, there’s also an elimination to deal with. Indy, I’m sorry.

Eliminated: Indianapolis Colts

So, your best player is Jonathan Taylor, and you don’t even have him on the field for the final play? Or Zach Moss? Good season or not, this play-calling gaffe will haunt Colts fans for the entire offseason. Just wait for Anthony Richardson to get healthy again and then run it back next year. You guys will be fine.

Jaguars 20, Titans 28

Jacksonville, I have 4 words to say: You are absolutely pathetic. A 5-11 Titans team. 5-11. That’s who you had to beat to make the playoffs and secure a home playoff game in front of your 13 fans. And you blew it spectacularly. The defense bent, the receivers couldn’t catch, and Trevor Lawrence. The dude may get the Carson Wentz treatment in a year or two. The dude could barely throw the football. On the game’s last play, he overthrew a wide-open receiver by about 10 yards. Jacksonville, I hope you enjoyed your one year in the spotlight. The Texans clinched the AFC South. Get back in the corner where you belong.

Eliminated: Jacksonville Jaguars

From 8-3 and the world in the palm of your hands to losing 5 of 6. That is an impressive failure. Now you have serious questions, and Shahid Khan isn’t exactly known for his patience. Seat’s getting hotter, Doug.

If you’re in Pittsburgh, you know damn well what this means. The Steelers are back in the playoffs.

Playoff Bound: Pittsburgh Steelers

Yes, they will get killed once they make it, but let them have this. It’s better than the alternative of the Yinzers rioting in the streets, anyway.

In fact, this is a two-for-one, as this game also gets the Bills into the playoffs for the 6th time in 7 years.

Playoff Bound: Buffalo Bills

Nope, I’m not impressed. The sheer inconsistency this team shows weekly is cause for alarm. Just don’t break my heart again. Pretty please?

Next up is the NFC South championship. Tampa can get in with a win over Carolina, while the winner of the Saints and Falcons can get in with a Tampa loss. Tank Divisions always come down to the wire.

Falcons 17, Saints 48

It’s a battle between the two teams that continually shoot themselves in the foot squaring off in New Orleans with a potential playoff berth. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Despite the game remaining close throughout, the Saints were able to snatch momentum back due to Desmond Ridder gifting their defense presents on a routine basis. New Orleans uses this charitable act to rally the troops and run up the score. 31 points scored in the 2nd half in a violent outburst. And even better, they managed to anger Arthur Smith because they scored a garbage-time touchdown with a minute left. Here’s an idea, buddy. If you don’t want your opponent running up the score on you, maybe prepare your defense to make a stop. This season has been more of the same for the Falcons. Endless opportunities that they find ways to choke away. It’s a fitting end for them.

Eliminated: Atlanta Falcons

Arthur Smith, get ready to learn Chinese. That’s the only place he belongs after his “coaching” this season. Not using your best offensive weapons and trusting an increasingly suspect Desmond Ridder really worked out for you, didn’t it? My point still stands. Get a real head coach.

Now, the Saints must wait for Carolina to do their part. We go now to Charlotte, where the Bucs will attempt to clinch a division title.

Buccaneers 9, Panthers 0

And of course, the Bucs make this way harder on themselves than they should be. I mean come on, boys, you’re playing the Panthers. The defense seemed to get the memo by shutting down Bryce Young and his mediocre compatriots every time they got into the red zone. A shutout and a dominant day. Meanwhile, the offense did just enough to escape with a win in the end to set up a playoff game at home next week. Incredibly undeserved.

Playoff Bound: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

There’s not much to be impressed about here; the only reason they made it was because the rest of their division kept falling into bear traps. That game against the Eagles has the potential to be horrible.

New Orleans, this is where the journey ends. Just fire Dennis Allen, please?

Eliminated: New Orleans Saints

Yes, I know they technically were still alive until after the 4:25 window, but let’s be real, they weren’t making it in. A small inaccuracy but there was probably only one outcome where they clinched a berth. I’m not losing sleep over it.

Next up is the NFC East title. The Cowboys and Eagles are alive for it, with Dallas controlling their destiny. One of these teams will luck into an extremely undeserving 2 seed, while the other lucks into a probable first-round bye in Tampa Bay. Game on.

Eagles 10, Giants 27

Philadelphia is in panic mode. After royally choking the division to the Cardinals last week, they cemented their status against the Giants in embarrassing fashion. The G-men finish the season on a bittersweet note, as they get revenge for the Christmas day Humiliation 2 weeks ago. Philly now must run off to Tampa for a showdown with the Buccaneers in the Wild Card.

Cowboys 38, Commanders 10

It didn’t matter in the end, since Dallas did what they couldn’t last year and took care of business against Washington on the road. Their defense was dominant and Dak… well, let’s just say he’s playing some of the best ball in his career at the right time. If they keep this up, they’ll win a playoff game. A choke would be hilarious, but come on, they’ll probably beat whatever 7 seed by about 30 anyway.

The next point of contention is the 7th seed in the NFC. Green Bay has the easiest path with a win and clinches against the Bears. The Seahawks need a win against Arizona and the Bears to not be a pile of manure for the honor of being cannon fodder at Jerryworld next week. Bring it on.

Seahawks 21, Cardinals 20

It’s in typical Seattle fashion to take a gift situation and make it much harder than it should be. In one of the most typical games for the Seahawks this year, they did just enough to escape with a late 2-point conversion. Now, the Seahawks wait.

Bears 9, Packers 17

Chicago has been through the trenches this year, but have been on a heater beating up on mediocre teams this home stretch. This was their chance to prove themselves on national TV and flip the bird to their older brothers in the Packers. And they failed miserably. Chicago’s offense came out flatter than a map. The defense could only do so much as Green Bay suffocated their offense at every turn. You would think Justin Fields was in the Roman Colosseum the way he was beat up by the Packer D. Congrats, Bears, for you not only lost to a team that was very beatable, but you also failed in your primary goal of doing to them what the Lions did last year.

Playoff Bound: Green Bay Packers

I’m not impressed. While Jordan Love looks good, they’ve had too many close calls this year for me to trust them. Here’s an idea, boys. Lock Joe Barry in a janitor’s closet in Titletown and let him out sometime in mid-February. If they do that, they’re a Super Bowl contender. If not, well…

Seattle, you know what this means. Too much underachieving, boys. Get out.

Eliminated: Seattle Seahawks

Too inconsistent. A team that would humiliate the Eagles and fall apart against teams like the Steelers. Get it fixed.

There is one final game we need to cover. Bills vs. Dolphins for the AFC Crown. Playoff elimination is no longer on the line for Buffalo, but the 2nd seed in the AFC is up for grabs. And a likely free win against the Steelers. Game on.

Bills 21, Dolphins 14

In this game to decide both playoff futures and jobs for next year, the Dolphins did what they do best: flail around and look like complete frauds against a team begging them to finish them off. The Dolphins had 4 turnovers in the first 3 quarters and barely did anything with them. Lo and behold, Buffalo woke up in the 4th quarter and drove the knife through their faltering heart. Dolphins, your hope of winning the division was ripped away at the last moment. The Bills clinch the AFC East. And Miami now must head into the frigid tundra to face Mahomes and the Swiftie army. Talk about a turnaround.

There is one more thing that must be discussed. The Football Gods desire a feast. Black Monday is their holiday. Let us remember those in the coaching ranks who have fallen.

Arthur Smith (Atlanta Falcons Head Coach, 2021-23)

I thought this guy would be good when he got hired. Little did I know that this guy would be trapped in his own demons. He was completely incompetent when it came to using any of his key weapons, baffling playcalling, and horrible decision-making. The Falcons could have been a dark-horse contender this year, but Smith decided to screw up a generational year for guys like A.J. Terrell and Grady Jarrett. Shame.

Ron Rivera (Washington Football Team/Commanders Head Coach, 2020-23)

This one doesn’t surprise me. Rivara had been past his expiration date for quite a while, and I was merely interested to see how long it would take for the new ownership to pull the trigger. The only positive of this move for either side is that Bieniemy could be promoted to the head honcho role to develop Sam Howell further.

Wink Martindale (New York Giants Defensive Coordinator, 2022-23)

This one isn’t being talked about enough. Martindale is a good defensive mind, yes. But his blitz-heavy schemes exhausted the D on prolonged drives and caused them to collapse late in games. With an offense as lifeless as the Giants were this year, Martindale’s defense needed to be perfect this year for them to have a chance at contending. And it was far from it. He won’t be out in the cold for long.

Bill Belichick (New England Patriots Head Coach/General Manager, 2000-23)

I could see this one coming from a mile away, but it still hits like a truck. Bill Belichick, the evil Palpatine of the AFC, is gone. As a Bills fan, it’s almost surreal to see this happen. Belichick’s first 3 Super Bowls happened before I was born. Half of the Patriots’ fan base have only had Belichick during their lifetimes. It’s a new chapter for the franchise and the entire NFL world. Jared Mayo is a good successor but methinks old Bill wants another chance elsewhere. He’ll have a job again soon. Farewell, Bill. I’ll comfort myself from him constantly beating up on my team knowing his final career playoff game with New England was a 30-point loss to the Bills in Buffalo. That’s something to hang my hat on, at least.

Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks Head Coach, 2010-23)

Now, this one is completely out of left field. Pete Carroll? Sure, the team underachieved dramatically this season and failed to sort out their quarterback issues, but I figured he would get another year or two to shape the team. Even then, it’s not a traditional pink-slipping, but a firing-via-promotion. Ostensibly, he’ll move into a senior role away from day-to-day operations, but something tells me he’s not done coaching. Just the raw energy he continues to have on the sidelines week in and week out. Take care, Pete.

Mike Vrabel (Tennessee Titans Head Coach, 2018-23)

This one is a shocker. Vrabel was an issue, but far from the main one in Tennessee. He’s a terrific coach who took Titans teams who had no business competing deep into the playoffs. Like a certain DC from New York, he won’t be out in the cold for long.

This is an incredibly weak offering. The Football Gods will want more blood in the playoffs. Until then…

And so, ends another whimsical year of NFL football. I want to thank the NFL for giving me such great content to write about week in and week out. I want to thank people like The Mirror Adviser Mr. Spear, the Editors of The Mirror, and a number of other Northwood students and staff, all of whom have contributed to putting this article together every week. And most of all, I want to thank you, the reader. As I said last year, your demand for this terrible excuse for journalism is why I pour effort into this each week. I debated ending the football coverage after this year, particularly when I was abroad in Japan over the holidays and ran short on time, but I’ve made my decision. Next year, I’ll be here. The football recaps will be better than ever. I’ll see you all for the Super Bowl Preview. Until then, take care.

Playoff spots. Tension and drama. Refball. This week had it all. Let’s get to recapping.

Jets 20, Browns 37

We all know what our general reaction to this game is: Thank god this is the last Thursday Night Football game of the year. Jets vs. Browns, between a team that’s all but given up on the season, and a supposed contender injured to hell and back fighting for a playoff spot. However, one of these teams had Joe Flacco quarterbacking them. The other did not. Flacco worked his magic for Cleveland yet again, showing off his elite skill and making millions of other quarterback-hungry teams salty that they didn’t sign him. Their elite defense did the rest as Cleveland cruised to victory. And an official ticket to January football.

Playoff Bound: Cleveland Browns

All it took was an elite defense the likes of which this world has never seen, and 4 different starting quarterbacks. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed. I have doubts about their success at the next level but at the very least, they’ll be competitive.

Lions 19, Cowboys 20

I’m not even going to pay attention to the score of the media surrounding this game. What we witnessed here was such a royal screw job of the Lions on a national stage that it gave the Moscow show trials a run for their money. The refs straight-up robbed them of a 2 point conversion to win the game. And not just any 2-point play, it was a FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN! You robbed us of that, are you kidding me? Argue with me about Dan Campbell being overaggressive and stretching his resources way too thin on offense, but the Lions deserved to win this game. And they got screwed over thanks to Brad Allen having selective hearing. You beat another legit opponent, Cowboys. Are you proud? Go ahead and pay the refs some more in the back alley, don’t worry, I won’t snitch. Just go do the handoff and get it over with for god’s sake.

Titans 3, Texans 26

It’s another typical late-season blowout, with the losing side staring down the barrel of another lost season, while the winner continues to roll with their eyes set on far bigger prizes. Absolutely no surprises here. Except that CJ Stroud is once again throwing darts this soon after injury. Texans, you’re going to need him for January, and you better hope he doesn’t get struck down by the Injury gods again. Next week is a critical matchup against the Colts for AFC wild card supremacy. Get it done, Texans.

Falcons 17, Bears 37

Falcons, what you are seeing are your fleeting playoff hopes all but getting smashed to the wind by an industrial press. They were smoked by the Bears all afternoon long to reveal a fork-tender dish ready for the feast. The #1 stadium food at Soldier Field this week? Grilled Falcon on a stick. The McCaskeys have enough of it to end world hunger after this game. Don’t worry, Chicago, you may have won this meaningless game, but you also win an inevitable outcome. Playoff elimination!

Eliminated: Chicago Bears

The only thing I’m surprised at is how it took this long for this team to be eliminated. Even worse? The necessary changes might be procrastinated by the McCaskeys yet again since they beat up a bunch of pushovers in the home stretch to pad stats. The only thing you guys win is another uncertain future with the 1st overall pick in tow. Hope it was worth it.

Dolphins 19, Ravens 56

It is in these times where we reveal what happens to the Dolphins when they not only have to face a real team, but one of the best teams of the century. Complete and utter slaughter. The Ravens channeled their inner Japanese fishermen today, completely massacring the Dolphins and reaffirming to us all how they can’t beat good teams in the clutch. The Fins had a chance to lock up a #1 seed, but once again, came up short. Baltimore, meanwhile, is soaring high. They have dominated their way to securing the #1 seed in the East, and the Dolphins? Now they must fight for their lives against Buffalo in week 18 for the division crown. We wouldn’t want it any other way.

Saints 23, Buccaneers 13

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Who the hell wants to win the NFC South? I still have no idea, since both teams in this game did everything they could to hand the other a win. They key to this game was turnovers. Derek Carr played a solid game, despite his track record this year. Baker Mayfield reverted to early season form and all but handed the Saints defense an opportunity to put the game away. It now comes down to 3 different teams still alive for the division crown in week 18. Just how we all wanted it to happen.

Patriots 21, Bills 27

Buffalo decided to keep with their brutal heart-attack regimen this week, as they just barely squeaked out a win against a pretend team in the New England Patriots. Also keeping with tradition, their offense decided to fall into landmines on most drives for roughly the tenth time this year. Let’s put it into perspective. The Patriots had 4 turnovers and a pick-six in the first quarter and the Bills only led 13-7 after it all. Buffalo keeps their playoff hopes alive with this win, and now gets ready for a dogfight in Miami for the AFC east crown. It’s do or die time, Bills. Don’t fold like in seasons past.

Cardinals 35, Eagles 31

The past month has revealed the following to the casual NFL fan: The Philadelphia Eagles are nothing but a bunch of frauds. They’ve straight up lost any ounce of effort they have left. It’s okay when they do it against good teams like the Cowboys and Niners, but look at them now. They’re being exposed by the Arizona Cardinals. A team that’s been eliminated since November and is spinning the tires of despair. And not only that, but to blow a 21-6 lead in a game they were dominating. Even worse for the Birds? This loss drops their conference record. Which means they no longer control their own destiny in week 18 for the division. They must rely on the Cowboys losing in order to win the division and get a home playoff game. What a joke of a team.

Panthers 0, Jaguars 26

This game says a lot more about the Panthers than it does their opponent. The Jags, even in their weakened state, managed to not only humiliate them into a tank bowl championship, they also got a shutout. Carolina, what you are realizing now is that Bryce Young might not have been a great fit for you. David Tepper celebrated this glorious occasion by throwing his drink at a Jags fan and making himself an even better case for the worst owner in the league. The Jags are now a game away from clinching the division, and even better for them, they’re facing the Titans in a win-and-clinch scenario. Don’t you dare, Jacksonville.

Raiders 20, Colts 23

Two teams desperately needing a win, locked in a fight for playoff contention. Indy passed this test with flying colors. Don’t be deceived by the score, it only ended that close because of a garbage time touchdown. Raiders, good season and good bounceback, but the football gods show no mercy.

Eliminated: Las Vegas Raiders

Gone like the Autumn wind. I’d actually consider this year a success for them, since their defense is much improved and they finally got rid of the snake that is Josh McDaniels. Just figure out the QB position, since Aiden O’Connell ain’t it.

Rams 26, Giants 25

The Rams need to win this game to avoid having to play San Fran for a playoff berth. Unfortunately, the G-men made this a lot tougher than it should have been. Particularly with the special teams capitalizing for a touchdown late to tie the game. Even worse for them, Brian Daboll chose to go for two. It worked last year, but not here. However, the Rams couldn’t do much better and gave them the ball back. And then Mason Crosby shanks a 50-yard field goal. Rams, just take this playoff berth and run back home as fast as you can.

Playoff Bound: Los Angeles Rams

Not going to lie, I’m impressed. From one of the worst super bowl defenses last year to a playoff contender again. You can’t deny this team has resilience, but have you seen them against good teams? They crumble. Just hope it doesn’t happen too badly.

49ers 27, Commanders 10

San Francisco was punched in the mouth last week, and now fly east looking for someone to beat up on and rebound. Ah, the Washington Commies! Freshly eliminated from the playoffs and ripe for a good beating. San Fran scorched that earth repeatedly. Their defense was suffocating. Brock Purdy returned to being efficient. And the Niners locked down the #1 seed in the NFC due to Philadelphia’s epic choke job. Enjoy your week off, boys.

Steelers 30, Seahawks 23

So apparently the key to unlocking the Steelers offensive capability is Mason Rudolph? Just another oddity out of the hundreds of weird things to happen this football season. Rudolph was efficient like last week, but the real offensive MVP of this game was the running game. They were unstoppable. They made Najee Harris look like what he was advertised to be in the draft for the first time in what seems like an age. Seattle, what you now get is needing to rely on the Bears to do anything else this year. Not to mention they’re playing Arizona, who gave them a tough test earlier in the year. Relying on the Bears is something no one should have to do. Good luck.

Bengals 17, Chiefs 25

Everything was looking up for the Bungles today. The Chiefs were struggling big time and coming off their most embarrassing loss since their game against the Colts last year. Cincy’s offense is humming again. They’re out to a 17-7 halftime lead. However, it is here that they just fell flat. Mahomes does just enough to get Butker into range for 6 straight field goals. The defense clamps down and prevents Browning and company from doing anything with the ball in the 2nd half. The wool is pulled over their eyes as they are led to the slaughter. Their season killed off like Joe Burrow’s wrist. They should have never cut you, Jake? Well now your entire team’s being let go. See you next year.

Eliminated: Cincinnati Bengals

Burrow going down killed their season, but the reality is that they probably wouldn’t have done much this year anyway. They looked highly suspect before their golden goose went down, too. Just thank god that you paid Burrow when you did. He’d have a lot more leverage in a negotiation this offseason.

Meanwhile, the Chiefs somehow fail upward into a division title and a playoff spot. Just take your undeserved home playoff game and get out of my sight.

Playoff Bound: Kansas City Chiefs

It’s weird seeing their defense being the side of the ball carrying them to wins. I admire the philosophy change, but if their offense continues to be this inept at anything related to football, they will be a rather quick out. There’s a very real possibility that Mahomes gets mad at his receivers and rage quits in the middle of a playoff game. Please happen.

Chargers 9, Broncos 16

After last week’s ineptitude and choke against one of the worst teams in the league, Sean Payton has finally had enough. Chef Russ has been told to take off his jacket and get out. He is being benched in the penultimate game of the year so that they can cut him after the season is over. Now, they must live with Jarrett Stidham. Sean Payton said he did this to give his team a “spark”. Little did he know that the spark would combust and set the entire wagon on fire. They are lucky that they’re playing the Chargers, who are even worse on the offensive side of the ball than they are. Easton Stick, how do we put this, isn’t that good at this whole quarterback thing. Eaten alive all game long by a stout defense. Broncos, you may have barely won this game against a dead team, but you also win another dubious outcome.

Eliminated: Denver Broncos

While I admire the resolve to come back from 1-5 to thrust themselves back into the playoff picture, this season showed one thing: The Broncos indeed “fixed” Russell Wilson. At the cost of everything else. Sadly, this season in their history will probably be remembered more for getting 70 hung on them by Miami instead of the gutsy wins they pulled off in the middle of the year. What a shame.

Packers 33, Vikings 10

A battle for their playoff lives. One team came to play. The other one didn’t. Green Bay, in a time-honored tradition, went into Minnesota and bullied Little Brother for 60 straight minutes. This win sets up a win-and-clinch scenario next week for a playoff spot, and the Vikings? They need a win and a whole lot of help to even have a sniff at January football. Don’t choke this away, Green Bay. You’re our only hope of stopping Dallas from winning another playoff game.

Week 18 Preview

NFC

There are a lot of spots to still iron out. In the NFC, it’s a bit simpler. The Niners are a lock for the #1 seed. The 2 seed is currently controlled by the Cowboys, but they could drop as far as the 5 seed with a loss and a Philadelphia win. The Lions are all but locked up at 3rd. Tank Division is anyone’s to win. The Bucs control their own destiny, but the Falcons and Saints can both win if the Bucs choke. Philadelphia will likely be the 5 seed, but the last two wild cards are up for grabs. The Rams are locked into one of them, while the final spot is currently controlled by Green Bay. The Seahawks can get in with a Packers loss, while the Vikings need a win and several Christmas miracles to make the playoffs.

AFC

The AFC is a different story. Baltimore owns the #1 seed, but the 2 seed will be fought over by Miami and Buffalo in a win-and-clinch scenario. The 3 seed is the Chiefs’ to lose, while the 4 seed will go to the winner of the AFC South. Cleveland is locked into the 5 seed, and buffalo owns the #6 seed, but can fall out of the playoffs entirely with a loss to Miami. The 7 seed will likely be a toss-up between the Colts and Texans. The Steelers need blood magic. Please do not attempt to look up my AFC playoff predictions from the start of the year. You will die of laughter.

This week leaves everything in the balance. A lot of spots are still up for grabs with the taste of playoff football being dangled to the fish below. Let’s get to it.

Saints 22, Rams 30

Don’t let the records fool you: One of these teams is not like the other. One of them has a competent quarterback, offensive game planning and a reliable defense. The other one relies on a broken Derek Carr, Dennis Allen’s jackknife offense, and a total sieve of a defense that couldn’t stop Puca Nacua. The Rams maintain a surprisingly strong playoff push, while New Orleans gets the potential deathblow to a disappointing year. Can’t say it isn’t deserved, though.

Bengals 11, Steelers 34

Oh, so now you show up, Pittsburgh. Now you show up? Not against two of the worst teams in the league, but here on this random Saturday against a supposed playoff contender? I’d be happy for them, but I’m more upset since it’s probably too little too late. Apparently, the key to unlocking the full potential of the Steeler offense is Mason Rudolph. Or maybe it’s that his only viable option is throwing it to George Pickens, which they haven’t been doing lately, leading to obvious results. As for Jake Browning, his veteran Linsanity run looks to be coming to a close. Now, they must fight for their playoff lives at Arrowhead next week against the Chiefs. It’s going to be tough for them. Then again, the Chiefs aren’t looking too great as of late. Cincy, please win. The laughter that would be had.

Bills 24, Chargers 22

It’s the story of the Bills season: against legitimate opponents, they perform to their full potential and blossom into their true form. Against doormats, however, they heinously play down to their competition and keep the game close for way too long. It’s not a Josh Allen issue, it’s not a play calling and scheming issue, it’s an everything issue. The Bills can’t piece together a full 60-minute effort against an easy opponent. They were given chance after chance to run away with the game, but either over-thought their hand or gifted the ball to the Chargers D as a self-serving token of charity. The only reason they even escaped with a win was due to LA forgetting how to cover their receivers and Easton Stick being, well, Easton Stick. Next week’s Patriots game at home honestly scares me more than the showdown at Miami two weeks from now. With how they’ve been playing against inferior competition? Yikes. As for the Chargers? Good effort, but they don’t give pity points in the standings for that. Get out.

Eliminated: Los Angeles Chargers

If the Chargers did what they should have done in January and fired Brandon Staley, this season might not have been another wasted one. Now they must ask some serious questions this offseason. An aging yet expensive defense combined with an offense full of question marks will make for an interesting challenge for the new front office. For the sake of all 13 Charger fans, I hope they’ll find a way to at least make the Bolts competitive again.

Commanders 28, Jets 30

Here we all were, thinking the Jets were dead, but look at them, rattling off 20 unanswered to start this game against a hapless opponent. Regardless of their record this year, they have one of the best defenses in the league. Surely this will be one of those rare convincing wins for the Buttfumble. That’s where you’re wrong. The Jets did their trademark buttfumbling to allow Washington back into the game when they looked dead in the water. Sam Howell throwing dimes and redeeming himself for his awful start to the game. Panic sets in at MetLife as the Commies take the lead. But here is where the Jets offense bothers to close out a game that should have been over long before that point. Greg Zuerlein boots it through as the Jets survive to get another meaningless win. You’re making The Hack look like a competent offensive game planner, Jets, snap out of it. His pink-slipping this offseason will be the most important offseason move you make. Do the right thing.

Lions 30, Vikings 24

30 years. That’s how long it’s been since the Lions have won a division title. The NFC North didn’t even exist that long ago. It’s all right in front of them. All they have to do is beat Nick Mullens and they can have it. The Lions storm out of the gates and race for the prize. The Vikings and Nick Mullens could do nothing as the Lions D stuffed them. However, like all that are just short of reaching their goal, the Lions couldn’t finish. Here, take the points, they said, as the offense fell flat, and Aaron Glenn became Aaron Glenn again. The Vikings even took the lead. But then the Lions remember they were heavy favorites and bulldoze their D for a pair of touchdowns. Then capping it all off with an interception. Their reward? Their first home playoff game in a generation. The wait is over, Detroit. Welcome to January.

Playoff Bound: Detroit Lions

I feel nothing but happy for that entire city, for Dan Campbell, and for the Lions organization. The job Campbell, in particular, has done to change the culture of this organization is nothing short of remarkable, and now they have their defining moment. However, I must warn you. If you continue to be this inconsistent, you will be a rather quick out. Not saying they aren’t capable of going far, but…

Browns 36, Texans 22

Browns, congratulations! After years upon years of getting lorded over by him, you finally have your franchise quarterback under center: The elite Joe Flacco. And I don’t say this in the tongue-and-cheek fashion like in past years, since Joe Flacco has been playing like one of the best in the league as of late. It might be an issue with teams not having recent film on him, but this dude went from the couch to a playoff contender in weeks. Houston, under Case Keenum, couldn’t even hope to do anything against Flacco and his might. 36-7 by the time Houston mercilessly took Keenum out for Davis Mills. Cleveland is now one win closer to a playoff berth, and they’ll get a huge opportunity to do so as they face the Jets next week. You’re not going to screw this up… right?

Packers 33, Panthers 30

Green Bay, this is as easy of an opportunity as you’ll have to put yourselves back into playoff contention. The Panthers, even after last week’s win thanks to Arthur Smith’s implosion, are still terrible. The Packers exposed them as such in the first 3 quarters. 30-16 midway through the 4th quarter against a dead team. Should be over, right? Well, you’re forgetting a key component of any game the Packers play in. One of these teams has Joe Barry calling the defenses. The other does not. He is a man that takes a competent defensive game plan and fires it straight out of a cannon into Lake Michigan, causing a tsunami that consumes a small Wisconsin village. Wouldn’t you know it, the Panthers tie the game. Green Bay may have taken the lead with a field goal late, but Joe Barry is on the case once again. Look at how he gracefully allows Bryce Young to drive into field goal range… but they run out of time and can’t get the spike off. Game over, Packers win. Despite certain arguments.

Seahawks 20, Titans 17

I’m starting to develop a theory on why the Seahawks are so inconsistent. They have a deal with the local hospitals. If the Seahawks keep opponents in games they shouldn’t be competing in, the hospitals will profit off the increased number of heart attacks and in turn pay off the Seahawks organization. That’s the only way I can explain away how maddeningly inconsistent Seattle is from week to week. Even with Geno Smith back under center, against a bunch of glorified refuse in the Titans, they still found a way to keep the game way too close. The Titans even had a lead deep into the 4th quarter. Never mind, though, since Pete Carroll used more of his old man magic to guide Seattle down the field for the game-winning touchdown. Seattle defies the odds to stay alive for the playoffs. Well done.

Colts 10, Falcons 29

Seriously, Atlanta? Now you show up? Not against a bottom-feeder in Carolina but against a supposed contender? This wasn’t even their usual thing where they blundered around and then got lucky and won, this was one of the most complete games I’ve seen out of the Falcons in a very long time. What’s that, Arthur, you’re going to pull Desmond Ridder and actually start throwing to your skill players? Using Bijan Robinson? Wow! It’s almost like you should’ve been doing it for the entire year up until now! It might be too little, too late for Atlanta, but Indy gets a potential death blow to their wild card hopes. Next week is Jacksonville at home. A chance to secure the division with a win. Get it done, Colts.

Jaguars 12, Buccaneers 30

The Jags are attempting to speedrun blowing a division title like the Titans did last year. Next up? The current Tank Division champions in the Bucs. Tampa Bay dragged them onto a pier, beat them to a pulp, and then forced the Jags to walk the plank. They were dominant today. 27-0 before the Jags even considered scoring. Tampa now all but locks up the NFC South, as the Jags prepare to fight for their playoff lives at 8-7. Imagine saying that a month ago.

Cowboys 20, Dolphins 22

Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Fraud Bowl! Two teams that love beating up on easy opponents at home but can’t play on the road! What this game would come down to was circumstance. Miami, for their flaws, put together a competent game plan to put points on the board. Dallas, on the road again, had their timbers shivered by the “hostile” Miami crowd and did nothing. Even then, both teams would do their best to hand each other the game. Miami lucked into winning this one since the Dallas D can’t stop a beach ball and Jason Sanders boots the game-winning field goal. Miami gets set to go into Baltimore with a chance to define their season. If they win, the #1 seed is all but theirs. If they lose, however… Let’s just say the Josh Allen in the mirror is closer than it appears.

Cardinals 16, Bears 27

Two teams stuck deep in the mud but still fighting and clawing for wins. Arizona has long been eliminated, but the Bears are still mathematically alive and still have optimism that they can make it in. This means Chicago will revive to their form from two weeks ago and beat the brakes off their adversary. Despite allowing the Cards back into it late, Chicago was always one step ahead. I swear to God, though, if they choose this paper-soft winning streak as the excuse to keep the gang around, I’m going to be mad. And I’m not even a Bears fan. Don’t do it.

Patriots 26, Broncos 23

Who thought it would be a good idea to put both these teams in primetime again? They’re both terrible. One team is reeling after a surprising hot streak and has come back to earth, and the other is just trying to relive the glory years. To no one’s surprise, this game was absolutely terrible. The Patriots only won thanks to a special teams touchdown and Denver being unable to play defense on the final drive. Broncos, this loss all but takes you out of the playoff hunt. Chef Russ, it might be time to ride on outta here.

Raiders 20, Chiefs 14

Oh my god. Chiefs! What the hell was that? A golden opportunity to make up ground against your rivals and you completely blow it. The offense was godawful. The Raiders had defensive touchdowns on back-to-back snaps. You dominated them on paper. Hell, they didn’t even complete a pass after the first quarter! And you still find a way to blow it. Even better for everyone who isn’t a Chiefs fan? They haven’t clinched yet, either. There’s an outside chance they miss the playoffs. That would be very funny to see. Raiders, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for humbling this team, pick-six after pick-six. You deserve a hell of a lot more credit than you’ll get for this win.

Giants 25, Eagles 33

Much like their super bowl opponent, the Eagles are steadfast on screwing up every single thing that led to them at one point having a 10-1 record. Look at them now. They’re being exposed by the New York Giants. Not even by Tommy DeVito but by Tyrod Taylor. I don’t care that they won in the end, if it weren’t for the refs this game might have been very different. The good news for them is that they have a paper soft schedule to end the year, and they still control their own destiny for the playoffs. You’re not going to mess this up… right? Giants, don’t think I forgot about you. Go directly to the elimination room, do not pass go, do not collect your dignity.

Eliminated: New York Giants

They started the season with an offense that set records for ineptitude for the first half of the year, and a defense routinely fatigued thanks to having to put the team on their backs. Tommy DeVito may have been a good story, but you’ve got serious questions to ask on the offensive side of the ball. Saquon probably won’t stay. The albatross of Daniel Jones’s contract will prevent them from doing anything significant. Brian Daboll will probably lose his job in the next couple of years. They are screwed.

Ravens 33, 49ers 19

What do I call this game other than a complete exposure of every weakness and flaw of the 49ers? The solution to beating San Francisco is to zone in on the run and force Brock Purdy to do more than game-manage to win the game. He failed spectacularly, throwing 4 picks and being pulled with a stinger in the 3rd quarter. Their allegedly strong defense was picked apart by the arm and legs of Lamar Jackson, whom they had no answer for. In front of the Bay area Faithful, the Ravens open up a treasure chest. An AFC North title. Not going to lie, I’m impressed.

Chargers 21, Raiders 63

Folks, to put this game and the surrounding activities into perspective, it’s time for me to regale you in a personal tale. I’m in Japan for the holidays right now, and due to the time difference, all of the late games kick off around 10:15 in the morning. That was also right around when I had to hop on a subway to go meet someone, and I lost connection. I got off the train an hour later, fired up my scoreboard app, and saw the Raiders were winning 42-0. At halftime. I deleted the app and reinstalled it. Multiple times. Then I realized it was real and started laughing hysterically. Long story short, the Chargers got completely dominated in every way, shape, and form by an offense that hadn’t scored a point in a week and a half. The rest was history. Raiders, you may be nowhere near playoff contention in yet another disappointing year for you guys, but you’ll have this for eternity. Chargers, you and your six fans can kindly get out of my sight.

Wait, hold up, there’s one more thing I forgot to mention. Brandon Staley has deservedly been axed 11 months after he should have been. It’s completely deserved at this point. With his faux analytics, constantly going for it on 4th down and failing in his own territory, putting immense pressure on his defense to make stops they can’t make. Oh yeah… the defense. Staley was supposed to be some defensive mastermind, but these past few years have shown us that he was a fraud in that regard as well. Carried to relevance by Aaron Donald. And some other guys. Know what the proof is? The Chargers have had at least one marquee splash defensive acquisition every year and have found a way to waste every single one of them. That’s generational ineptitude. Don’t worry, Brandon, you’ll get another job soon, since this league is a joke and some desperate team will have no choice but to turn to you.

Vikings 24, Bengals 27

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that this game would be between two 7-6 teams, I would have believed you. Now, if you had told me it would feature two backup quarterbacks, I would have had your head examined. What this game came down to was experience under pressure. Jake Browning, for his flaws, played efficiently. Nick Mullens couldn’t effectively make a throw to save his life. Even with Minnesota’s defense imitating Atlas holding up the world, making stop after stop and keeping a commanding lead, Mullens committed some of the most boneheaded turnovers I’ve seen this year to keep Cincy in the game. You can’t give a guy like Jake Browning that kind of momentum, or else he’ll pounce on it. Cincinnati wins and keeps their playoff hopes alive at 8-6 against all odds. I’m not sold on their prospects there, but with that defense and their structure surrounding Browning, they’ll at least be competitive.

Steelers 13, Colts 30

This game was a tale of two teams: The happy-go lucky failure that is having their ridiculous luck catch up to them, and the young, hungry team that’s freeing itself from the mud and is finally stringing together some convincing performances. Absolutely no surprises here, despite an early Pittsburgh lead due to said mud. As for the Steelers, it’s panic time. Mason Rudolph has been named the starter for next week. Mason Rudolph. Yep, your season’s over.

Broncos 17, Lions 42

This is a game where Denver falls back to earth and is exposed for their flaws. Unfortunately for Russ and the offense, we got the week 3 version of the Broncos’ defense today. You know, the week when they gave up 70 points? Detroit had their way with them all game long, it wasn’t even close. They needed to make a statement after several subpar performances, and by God, they did it here. Well done, Lions. Win next week and you’ll win your first division title in 30 years. Get it done, Detroit.

Giants 6, Saints 24

It’s time for the Italian portion of the Bronx to fall back down to earth. Tommy DeVito, for as good a feel good story as he is, is not a full-time starter. This game proved it. The Saints zeroed in on the run and forced Tommy Cutlets to beat them with his arm. He couldn’t. Despite a Tyrod Taylor sighting, the game was never within reach. As for the defense? Torched by Derek Carr for 3 touchdowns. I don’t even need to say anything else, that’s damning on its own. Giants fans, you can kindly exit from your one month of relevance to go back to doing mock drafts again. It’s what you’re good at, what else do I know?

Bears 17, Browns 20

It’s do or die time for Chicago. With their recent wins and an outside shot at the playoffs, they need to scrape together wins by any means necessary. Going into Cleveland will be tough, but the hope is that Chicago would at least keep it competitive. Fortunately for the Bears, this is where we realize that Joe Flacco is, indeed, Joe Flacco. His checkdown goodness spots Chicago to an early 10-point lead. However, Cleveland’s defense clamps down and prevents them from adding to it. Deep into the 4th quarter, the Bears are still up by 7, but this is when Flacco wakes up from his slumber and torches their D for a touchdown and a go-ahead field goal from Dustin Hopkins. In one of the more Bearsy games of the year, Cleveland came back for 13 unanswered when they looked dead in the water. Well done, Bears, as this game is probably the difference between them fluking their way into the playoffs and making significant changes in the offseason. Cleveland now becomes the worst 9-5 team in NFL history. Be lucky you don’t have to face real teams any time soon.

Falcons 7, Panthers 9

I’m not going to go through the whole song and dance with Atlanta, where I point and laugh at their repeated failure. If I’m a Falcons fan, I want heads on spikes outside Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Such epic failure. And this wasn’t even to a quality team either, try the Carolina Panthers. A broken team with a terrible owner, no first round pick, one win on the year, an empty stadium, and tickets on resale for less than a dollar in the pouring rain. Arthur Smith, I would start packing your bags right around now. If the Falcons don’t fail upwards into a playoff spot, you’re done.

Buccaneers 34, Packers 20

Two quarterbacks that we dismissed as mediocre at the start of the year playing meaningful football in December. Jordan Love and Baker Mayfield squaring off in a battle for their playoff lives. What this game would come down to was which defense managed to patch up the dam break first. Todd Bowles, for his flaws, managed to put together a well-schemed performance. Joe Barry just sat around aimlessly chewing bubble gum. Packers, you can all but kiss your January hopes goodbye.

Jets 0, Dolphins 30

Miami needed to bounce back after last week’s choke, and they did so in style against a group all but playing dress up as a football team at this point. Zach Wilson couldn’t do much against the Miami defense before getting injured, and his replacement in Trevor Siemian looked like he had gotten loaded downtown the night before and was still hung over. Miami, this proves nothing. Beat a real team and then talk. Jets, I almost forgot about you. This loss earns you a dubious reward. No playoffs.

Eliminated: New York Jets

Their relevant season was over 4 plays into their first offensive drive. The rest was just the usual ineptitude and chucking their fans off a cliff. This was one of the Jetsiest seasons in recent history, and that’s saying something. Significant changes must be made in the offseason to mold the team to Aaron Rodgers’ preference. Start with the O-line and The Hack.

Chiefs 27, Patriots 17

Chiefs fans, you can ignore Mahomes looking off, or your receivers not being able to catch, or your incredibly suspect defense being the only reason why you win games anymore. Taylor Swift is in attendance today! This means the refs are automatically programmed to throw flags at any Patriots player that moves. The amount of help the Chiefs were getting from the zebras today is almost impossible to understand, yet they still kept New England in the game for far too long. The fortunate thing for them is that they have an incredibly easy schedule to end the year, which means they should be in for January football barring extreme circumstances. Don’t even think about it, Chiefs.

Texans 19, Titans 16 (OT)

Houston marching out onto the field against the organization that stole their team and also appropriated their old uniforms for use in this game. The entire Houston fan base went into this game wanting blood. Unfortunately, they must wait, as their litany of injuries now includes CJ Stroud, out with a concussion. This means that the clipboard legend Case Keenum is back under center. Tennessee will roll out to a 16-3 lead at half and just coast to victory. Or will they? Longtime followers of the league will know that Keenum has a special gear he rarely reaches: his Minnesota form. Houston, you are now seeing why this man is considered a quality backup. Keenum marches them down the field over and over to eventually tie the game, and then winning it in overtime off a long field goal by Ka’imi Fairbairn. Titans, I now present your reward for this epic choke. Playoff elimination!

Eliminated: Tennessee Titans

At least your team didn’t imitate Fukushima like they did last year. To do so, you would have had to have had some semblance of optimism. Will Levis showed flashes of his potential, but he’s still rawer than the whole bananas he allegedly eats on the reg. Sadly, I don’t have much confidence in Vrabel and his staff to develop him the right way. Maybe next year, guys.

49ers 45, Cardinals 29

San Francisco is humming right now, but this is a classic trap game for them. Right before their Christmas showdown with Baltimore next week, they must travel to their home away from home in Glendale to face the Cardinals. They’ll warm ‘em up a little, let them score a couple touchdowns to establish trust, take them into an alleyway, and beat the daylights out of them. You would be alarmed at how porous they were, but c’mon, they’re facing the Cardinals, the D just needed to maintain a pulse and they’d be fine. Onward to your next quest, 49ers.

Commanders 20, Rams 28

The Commanders now are what everyone thought the Cardinals would be after week 3. Competitive, spirited, but lacking in many areas, preventing them from achieving their full potential. Case in point, their scrum against the Rams. Sure, they could keep it close with a spirited comeback, but at the end of the day, a combination of their opponent’s talent and Ron Rivera’s audition for a Darwin award did them in. The Rams are still in a playoff spot, and Stafford looks as sharp as ever. If it weren’t for Kroenke, I’d root for these guys. As for Washington, I would stop caring like your defense throughout the season, but I am morally obligated to pay attention to you today. There’s an elimination to deal with.

Eliminated: Washington Commanders

If Ron Rivera isn’t fired straight into orbit this offseason, it will be a dismal failure no matter who the new ownership group chooses to throw money at. The fact that Rivera still has a job to begin with isn’t a great look for Josh Harris and the new ownership group. You can take the Commies away from Dan Snyder, but you can’t take his damn good culture out of the Commies. What a wasted year. Just make Bieniemy the head coach and watch as you blossom into a good team next year.

Cowboys 10, Bills 31

So, Dem Boys ain’t good on the road, eh? Their defense sucks and can’t stop the run? Buffalo called an audible from the pre-Josh Allen days for this game. Run the ball on every down and bully their opponent at the line of scrimmage. It worked like a charm. Albeit, a blunt one. Ty Johnson’s bruising force, Latavius Murray’s veteran vision and instinct, and cap it all off with James Cook’s explosive speed and you get a 3-headed rushing attack that Dallas had no answers for. As for the defense? Dominant. The score technically doesn’t do it justice, as the Cowboys’ touchdown was in garbage time. Dak was running for his life all game, and on the plays where he wasn’t in mortal peril, the receivers were either covered or would develop hands of stone. Welcome back to the funny pages, Dallas! Hope that one week of relevance was worth it, boys! Cowboys, I know this loss is embarrassing, but at least you made the playoffs?

Playoff Bound: Dallas Cowboys

They will need to get their act together and win their division if they want a chance at doing anything in January. They cannot play on the road. Their offense, in particular, skews very fraudulent when outside the confines of a dome.

Ravens 23, Jaguars 7

All I need to say to Jags fans is this: This is the kind of smooth-brained idiocy that got Doug Pederson fired in Philadelphia. Horrible offensive scheming all around. Trevor Lawrence regressing and playing with a visible limp. God Awful clock management at Baltimore’s goal line at the end of the first half, and whatever that second half offense was. It’s less Baltimore’s skill than it is Jacksonville tripping over themselves every time they have a chance to. Even worse for them? The division they thought they locked up is now tied in a 3-way battle for the right to get smoked by Cleveland or Buffalo in the wild card round.

Eagles 17, Seahawks 20

Behold! The first game ever to be flexed into Monday Night Football. The bad news for us viewers is that Jalen Hurts is dealing with the flu, so Eagles fans can shout from the rooftops that everyone was about to see Hurt’s version of the Jordan flu game. Or at least we would, if Seattle’s defense didn’t mug them in a back alley. Philadelphia got dominated in every way, shape, and/or form by a Seattle defense reeling after 4 straight losses. They got one push tush touchdown in the first half and then everything fell apart. Even the defense is getting picked apart by the Seahawks’ stagnant offense. And this isn’t even with Geno Smith under center. Try Drew Lock. John Elway’s pride and joy let a masterful final drive, picking apart that Eagles secondary and turning James Bradberry into shoe leather. Eagles, I know this loss is devastating, but thanks to Dallas’s loss earlier in the week, you guys have now punched a ticket to January football.

Playoff Bound: Philadelphia Eagles

We know what this team’s potential is. We saw it last year. However, I just can’t shake the fraud narrative that they’ve been developing throughout the year. 3 straight losses with two of them by 3 scores or more will cause panic in any fanbase.