Playoff spots. Tension and drama. Refball. This week had it all. Let’s get to recapping.
Jets 20, Browns 37
We all know what our general reaction to this game is: Thank god this is the last Thursday Night Football game of the year. Jets vs. Browns, between a team that’s all but given up on the season, and a supposed contender injured to hell and back fighting for a playoff spot. However, one of these teams had Joe Flacco quarterbacking them. The other did not. Flacco worked his magic for Cleveland yet again, showing off his elite skill and making millions of other quarterback-hungry teams salty that they didn’t sign him. Their elite defense did the rest as Cleveland cruised to victory. And an official ticket to January football.
Playoff Bound: Cleveland Browns
All it took was an elite defense the likes of which this world has never seen, and 4 different starting quarterbacks. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed. I have doubts about their success at the next level but at the very least, they’ll be competitive.
Lions 19, Cowboys 20
I’m not even going to pay attention to the score of the media surrounding this game. What we witnessed here was such a royal screw job of the Lions on a national stage that it gave the Moscow show trials a run for their money. The refs straight-up robbed them of a 2 point conversion to win the game. And not just any 2-point play, it was a FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN! You robbed us of that, are you kidding me? Argue with me about Dan Campbell being overaggressive and stretching his resources way too thin on offense, but the Lions deserved to win this game. And they got screwed over thanks to Brad Allen having selective hearing. You beat another legit opponent, Cowboys. Are you proud? Go ahead and pay the refs some more in the back alley, don’t worry, I won’t snitch. Just go do the handoff and get it over with for god’s sake.
Titans 3, Texans 26
It’s another typical late-season blowout, with the losing side staring down the barrel of another lost season, while the winner continues to roll with their eyes set on far bigger prizes. Absolutely no surprises here. Except that CJ Stroud is once again throwing darts this soon after injury. Texans, you’re going to need him for January, and you better hope he doesn’t get struck down by the Injury gods again. Next week is a critical matchup against the Colts for AFC wild card supremacy. Get it done, Texans.
Falcons 17, Bears 37
Falcons, what you are seeing are your fleeting playoff hopes all but getting smashed to the wind by an industrial press. They were smoked by the Bears all afternoon long to reveal a fork-tender dish ready for the feast. The #1 stadium food at Soldier Field this week? Grilled Falcon on a stick. The McCaskeys have enough of it to end world hunger after this game. Don’t worry, Chicago, you may have won this meaningless game, but you also win an inevitable outcome. Playoff elimination!
Eliminated: Chicago Bears
The only thing I’m surprised at is how it took this long for this team to be eliminated. Even worse? The necessary changes might be procrastinated by the McCaskeys yet again since they beat up a bunch of pushovers in the home stretch to pad stats. The only thing you guys win is another uncertain future with the 1st overall pick in tow. Hope it was worth it.
Dolphins 19, Ravens 56
It is in these times where we reveal what happens to the Dolphins when they not only have to face a real team, but one of the best teams of the century. Complete and utter slaughter. The Ravens channeled their inner Japanese fishermen today, completely massacring the Dolphins and reaffirming to us all how they can’t beat good teams in the clutch. The Fins had a chance to lock up a #1 seed, but once again, came up short. Baltimore, meanwhile, is soaring high. They have dominated their way to securing the #1 seed in the East, and the Dolphins? Now they must fight for their lives against Buffalo in week 18 for the division crown. We wouldn’t want it any other way.
Saints 23, Buccaneers 13
It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Who the hell wants to win the NFC South? I still have no idea, since both teams in this game did everything they could to hand the other a win. They key to this game was turnovers. Derek Carr played a solid game, despite his track record this year. Baker Mayfield reverted to early season form and all but handed the Saints defense an opportunity to put the game away. It now comes down to 3 different teams still alive for the division crown in week 18. Just how we all wanted it to happen.
Patriots 21, Bills 27
Buffalo decided to keep with their brutal heart-attack regimen this week, as they just barely squeaked out a win against a pretend team in the New England Patriots. Also keeping with tradition, their offense decided to fall into landmines on most drives for roughly the tenth time this year. Let’s put it into perspective. The Patriots had 4 turnovers and a pick-six in the first quarter and the Bills only led 13-7 after it all. Buffalo keeps their playoff hopes alive with this win, and now gets ready for a dogfight in Miami for the AFC east crown. It’s do or die time, Bills. Don’t fold like in seasons past.
Cardinals 35, Eagles 31
The past month has revealed the following to the casual NFL fan: The Philadelphia Eagles are nothing but a bunch of frauds. They’ve straight up lost any ounce of effort they have left. It’s okay when they do it against good teams like the Cowboys and Niners, but look at them now. They’re being exposed by the Arizona Cardinals. A team that’s been eliminated since November and is spinning the tires of despair. And not only that, but to blow a 21-6 lead in a game they were dominating. Even worse for the Birds? This loss drops their conference record. Which means they no longer control their own destiny in week 18 for the division. They must rely on the Cowboys losing in order to win the division and get a home playoff game. What a joke of a team.
Panthers 0, Jaguars 26
This game says a lot more about the Panthers than it does their opponent. The Jags, even in their weakened state, managed to not only humiliate them into a tank bowl championship, they also got a shutout. Carolina, what you are realizing now is that Bryce Young might not have been a great fit for you. David Tepper celebrated this glorious occasion by throwing his drink at a Jags fan and making himself an even better case for the worst owner in the league. The Jags are now a game away from clinching the division, and even better for them, they’re facing the Titans in a win-and-clinch scenario. Don’t you dare, Jacksonville.
Raiders 20, Colts 23
Two teams desperately needing a win, locked in a fight for playoff contention. Indy passed this test with flying colors. Don’t be deceived by the score, it only ended that close because of a garbage time touchdown. Raiders, good season and good bounceback, but the football gods show no mercy.
Eliminated: Las Vegas Raiders
Gone like the Autumn wind. I’d actually consider this year a success for them, since their defense is much improved and they finally got rid of the snake that is Josh McDaniels. Just figure out the QB position, since Aiden O’Connell ain’t it.
Rams 26, Giants 25
The Rams need to win this game to avoid having to play San Fran for a playoff berth. Unfortunately, the G-men made this a lot tougher than it should have been. Particularly with the special teams capitalizing for a touchdown late to tie the game. Even worse for them, Brian Daboll chose to go for two. It worked last year, but not here. However, the Rams couldn’t do much better and gave them the ball back. And then Mason Crosby shanks a 50-yard field goal. Rams, just take this playoff berth and run back home as fast as you can.
Playoff Bound: Los Angeles Rams
Not going to lie, I’m impressed. From one of the worst super bowl defenses last year to a playoff contender again. You can’t deny this team has resilience, but have you seen them against good teams? They crumble. Just hope it doesn’t happen too badly.
49ers 27, Commanders 10
San Francisco was punched in the mouth last week, and now fly east looking for someone to beat up on and rebound. Ah, the Washington Commies! Freshly eliminated from the playoffs and ripe for a good beating. San Fran scorched that earth repeatedly. Their defense was suffocating. Brock Purdy returned to being efficient. And the Niners locked down the #1 seed in the NFC due to Philadelphia’s epic choke job. Enjoy your week off, boys.
Steelers 30, Seahawks 23
So apparently the key to unlocking the Steelers offensive capability is Mason Rudolph? Just another oddity out of the hundreds of weird things to happen this football season. Rudolph was efficient like last week, but the real offensive MVP of this game was the running game. They were unstoppable. They made Najee Harris look like what he was advertised to be in the draft for the first time in what seems like an age. Seattle, what you now get is needing to rely on the Bears to do anything else this year. Not to mention they’re playing Arizona, who gave them a tough test earlier in the year. Relying on the Bears is something no one should have to do. Good luck.
Bengals 17, Chiefs 25
Everything was looking up for the Bungles today. The Chiefs were struggling big time and coming off their most embarrassing loss since their game against the Colts last year. Cincy’s offense is humming again. They’re out to a 17-7 halftime lead. However, it is here that they just fell flat. Mahomes does just enough to get Butker into range for 6 straight field goals. The defense clamps down and prevents Browning and company from doing anything with the ball in the 2nd half. The wool is pulled over their eyes as they are led to the slaughter. Their season killed off like Joe Burrow’s wrist. They should have never cut you, Jake? Well now your entire team’s being let go. See you next year.
Eliminated: Cincinnati Bengals
Burrow going down killed their season, but the reality is that they probably wouldn’t have done much this year anyway. They looked highly suspect before their golden goose went down, too. Just thank god that you paid Burrow when you did. He’d have a lot more leverage in a negotiation this offseason.
Meanwhile, the Chiefs somehow fail upward into a division title and a playoff spot. Just take your undeserved home playoff game and get out of my sight.
Playoff Bound: Kansas City Chiefs
It’s weird seeing their defense being the side of the ball carrying them to wins. I admire the philosophy change, but if their offense continues to be this inept at anything related to football, they will be a rather quick out. There’s a very real possibility that Mahomes gets mad at his receivers and rage quits in the middle of a playoff game. Please happen.
Chargers 9, Broncos 16
After last week’s ineptitude and choke against one of the worst teams in the league, Sean Payton has finally had enough. Chef Russ has been told to take off his jacket and get out. He is being benched in the penultimate game of the year so that they can cut him after the season is over. Now, they must live with Jarrett Stidham. Sean Payton said he did this to give his team a “spark”. Little did he know that the spark would combust and set the entire wagon on fire. They are lucky that they’re playing the Chargers, who are even worse on the offensive side of the ball than they are. Easton Stick, how do we put this, isn’t that good at this whole quarterback thing. Eaten alive all game long by a stout defense. Broncos, you may have barely won this game against a dead team, but you also win another dubious outcome.
Eliminated: Denver Broncos
While I admire the resolve to come back from 1-5 to thrust themselves back into the playoff picture, this season showed one thing: The Broncos indeed “fixed” Russell Wilson. At the cost of everything else. Sadly, this season in their history will probably be remembered more for getting 70 hung on them by Miami instead of the gutsy wins they pulled off in the middle of the year. What a shame.
Packers 33, Vikings 10
A battle for their playoff lives. One team came to play. The other one didn’t. Green Bay, in a time-honored tradition, went into Minnesota and bullied Little Brother for 60 straight minutes. This win sets up a win-and-clinch scenario next week for a playoff spot, and the Vikings? They need a win and a whole lot of help to even have a sniff at January football. Don’t choke this away, Green Bay. You’re our only hope of stopping Dallas from winning another playoff game.
Week 18 Preview
NFC
There are a lot of spots to still iron out. In the NFC, it’s a bit simpler. The Niners are a lock for the #1 seed. The 2 seed is currently controlled by the Cowboys, but they could drop as far as the 5 seed with a loss and a Philadelphia win. The Lions are all but locked up at 3rd. Tank Division is anyone’s to win. The Bucs control their own destiny, but the Falcons and Saints can both win if the Bucs choke. Philadelphia will likely be the 5 seed, but the last two wild cards are up for grabs. The Rams are locked into one of them, while the final spot is currently controlled by Green Bay. The Seahawks can get in with a Packers loss, while the Vikings need a win and several Christmas miracles to make the playoffs.
AFC
The AFC is a different story. Baltimore owns the #1 seed, but the 2 seed will be fought over by Miami and Buffalo in a win-and-clinch scenario. The 3 seed is the Chiefs’ to lose, while the 4 seed will go to the winner of the AFC South. Cleveland is locked into the 5 seed, and buffalo owns the #6 seed, but can fall out of the playoffs entirely with a loss to Miami. The 7 seed will likely be a toss-up between the Colts and Texans. The Steelers need blood magic. Please do not attempt to look up my AFC playoff predictions from the start of the year. You will die of laughter.
