I can’t believe it, but it’s that time of year again. The final week of the regular season is upon us. Some of you may know the drill from last year, but I’ll run through it real quick for those who don’t. Unlike other weeks, I will not do this recap strictly chronologically, but rather based on relevance to the playoff picture. That said, let’s get the unimportant games out of the way quickly.
Vikings 20, Lions 30
In what may be a surprise move, the Lions are not resting their starters against the Vikings in a game they don’t need to win. The reasoning is that they’re technically still alive for the 2 seed and to gain momentum for the postseason. Despite the Vikings’ defense keeping it close and Aaron Glenn making Nick Mullens look elite for a couple of drives, the Lions cruised to victory on the back of a revived offense. Maybe getting screwed over by the refs last week has them hellbent on revenge against the league. Or I’m just overreacting. Unfortunately, Detroit, you also win another prize: heaps upon heaps of injuries. Kaliph Raymond and Sam LaPorta both went down with potentially serious injuries, which could prove costly down the stretch. As for the Vikings? They had a slim chance of entering today but were eliminated even before their game ended. It’s a fitting end to yet another disappointing season.
Eliminated: Minnesota Vikings
Their season was over when Cousins went down at Lambeau. It sucks, but this season proves even more how unprepared the Vikings are when he and Jefferson are out. The defense looks good, but they need more playmakers on offense for next year. Get to work.
Jets 17, Patriots 3
In what might be Old Bill’s last game with the Patriots, he must get a suitable sendoff. A HEAVYWEIGHT TANK BOWL!!!!!!!
A tank bowl between two trash heaps on the frozen tundra of Foxboro. In any other scenario, this game featuring lifeless offenses and overworked defenses would be cruel and unusual punishment to watch. However, the football gods must have realized that a bad football game was about to take place and brought about an epic snowstorm. The blizzard made this game infinitely more enjoyable to watch. A cold, blustering powder affecting everything on the field of play. Both offenses getting stuck in quicksand as usual, but who cares, they’re playing in the snow, the goal is to have fun. The Jets certainly did, after getting a couple of turnovers late to seal the win and run up the score. They snapped a 15-game losing streak to New England and got their first win at Gillette in over a decade. All that for the small cost of their majestic tank. Hope it was worth it.
Browns 14, Bengals 31
It’s a meaningless game for both sides, with the Browns being locked into the 5 spot in the AFC and the Bungles already being eliminated yesterday. However, a rivalry is still a rivalry to teams that otherwise have nothing to play for. Cincy saw their opponent resting all of their starters and emphasized their incredibly disappointing season with a blowout. It’s not much, but you can call it a moral victory or something, right?
Broncos 14, Raiders 27
Broncos, whatever foolish optimism you had for the playoffs died last week despite your fluke win over a team with no offense. Unfortunately, today, you must play a team with a slightly less horrible offense in the Raiders. Their defense straight-up quit on them. Las Vegas had their way all game long as Denver had no answers for them. Raiders, this may be another disappointing season, but one thing must be said. Antonio Pierce is legit. Mark Davis, you better bring this man back next year, or I will want heads. You’re not going to extend him, are you?
Rams 21, 49ers 20
There were some who bought tickets to this game at the start of the year, envisioning a mighty clash for the NFC West crown. However, that is not the case, as both teams are locked into their respective playoff spots and have nothing to play for. This means we get the battle of the quarterbacks that everyone forgot about. Sam Darnold versus Carson Wentz. The Niners may have been out to a lead late, but Wentz made his case for a permanent backup role somewhere next year by leading the Rams’ backups to a comeback win in the closest thing to a preseason game we’ve seen this year. Not much else to say on this front.
Chiefs 13, Chargers 12
It’s a quarterback matchup worthy of song. Blaine Gabbert versus Easton Stick! The game was as terrible as everyone expected it to be. In the end, the Chiefs’ backups managed to eke out a win against the withered husk of the Chargers to gain some momentum going into the playoffs. They’re going to need it, too.
Now, let’s get into the games with actual playoff importance. First on the docket is the 7th seed in the AFC. Pittsburgh can claim it with a win and a Jacksonville or Buffalo loss. The Texans and Colts are also up for it but play each other so one of them will get the 6 seed while the other will get eliminated.
Steelers 17, Ravens 10
A rain-soaked Baltimore and a must-win scenario for Pittsburgh. This has literally happened to them almost every other year. Baltimore was resting all their starters today, so Pittsburgh got the luxury of facing Tyler Huntley. Predictable things occurred. The defense dominated while the offense did just enough to escape with a win. Now, the Steelers wait.
Texans 23, Colts 19
Win and in. That’s what’s on the line here. Win, and you’re in the playoffs; lose, and you’re out. Both Houston and Indianapolis would fight neck and neck to try and secure a W. Houston may be leading late, but the Colts are driving and have a chance to take the lead with a touchdown. They get to a 4th and 1 in field goal range. They throw- and it’s dropped. Game over, Texans win. Houston, congratulations, for this win. It nets you your first playoff berth since the Bill O’Brien era. Well done.
Playoff Bound: Houston Texans
I’m honestly very impressed. To go from one of the worst teams in the league last year to this. Demeco Ryans has done such a great job with this team, and it shows. Now, onward to the postseason.
Unfortunately, there’s also an elimination to deal with. Indy, I’m sorry.
Eliminated: Indianapolis Colts
So, your best player is Jonathan Taylor, and you don’t even have him on the field for the final play? Or Zach Moss? Good season or not, this play-calling gaffe will haunt Colts fans for the entire offseason. Just wait for Anthony Richardson to get healthy again and then run it back next year. You guys will be fine.
Jaguars 20, Titans 28
Jacksonville, I have 4 words to say: You are absolutely pathetic. A 5-11 Titans team. 5-11. That’s who you had to beat to make the playoffs and secure a home playoff game in front of your 13 fans. And you blew it spectacularly. The defense bent, the receivers couldn’t catch, and Trevor Lawrence. The dude may get the Carson Wentz treatment in a year or two. The dude could barely throw the football. On the game’s last play, he overthrew a wide-open receiver by about 10 yards. Jacksonville, I hope you enjoyed your one year in the spotlight. The Texans clinched the AFC South. Get back in the corner where you belong.
Eliminated: Jacksonville Jaguars
From 8-3 and the world in the palm of your hands to losing 5 of 6. That is an impressive failure. Now you have serious questions, and Shahid Khan isn’t exactly known for his patience. Seat’s getting hotter, Doug.
If you’re in Pittsburgh, you know damn well what this means. The Steelers are back in the playoffs.
Playoff Bound: Pittsburgh Steelers
Yes, they will get killed once they make it, but let them have this. It’s better than the alternative of the Yinzers rioting in the streets, anyway.
In fact, this is a two-for-one, as this game also gets the Bills into the playoffs for the 6th time in 7 years.
Playoff Bound: Buffalo Bills
Nope, I’m not impressed. The sheer inconsistency this team shows weekly is cause for alarm. Just don’t break my heart again. Pretty please?
Next up is the NFC South championship. Tampa can get in with a win over Carolina, while the winner of the Saints and Falcons can get in with a Tampa loss. Tank Divisions always come down to the wire.
Falcons 17, Saints 48
It’s a battle between the two teams that continually shoot themselves in the foot squaring off in New Orleans with a potential playoff berth. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Despite the game remaining close throughout, the Saints were able to snatch momentum back due to Desmond Ridder gifting their defense presents on a routine basis. New Orleans uses this charitable act to rally the troops and run up the score. 31 points scored in the 2nd half in a violent outburst. And even better, they managed to anger Arthur Smith because they scored a garbage-time touchdown with a minute left. Here’s an idea, buddy. If you don’t want your opponent running up the score on you, maybe prepare your defense to make a stop. This season has been more of the same for the Falcons. Endless opportunities that they find ways to choke away. It’s a fitting end for them.
Eliminated: Atlanta Falcons
Arthur Smith, get ready to learn Chinese. That’s the only place he belongs after his “coaching” this season. Not using your best offensive weapons and trusting an increasingly suspect Desmond Ridder really worked out for you, didn’t it? My point still stands. Get a real head coach.
Now, the Saints must wait for Carolina to do their part. We go now to Charlotte, where the Bucs will attempt to clinch a division title.
Buccaneers 9, Panthers 0
And of course, the Bucs make this way harder on themselves than they should be. I mean come on, boys, you’re playing the Panthers. The defense seemed to get the memo by shutting down Bryce Young and his mediocre compatriots every time they got into the red zone. A shutout and a dominant day. Meanwhile, the offense did just enough to escape with a win in the end to set up a playoff game at home next week. Incredibly undeserved.
Playoff Bound: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
There’s not much to be impressed about here; the only reason they made it was because the rest of their division kept falling into bear traps. That game against the Eagles has the potential to be horrible.
New Orleans, this is where the journey ends. Just fire Dennis Allen, please?
Eliminated: New Orleans Saints
Yes, I know they technically were still alive until after the 4:25 window, but let’s be real, they weren’t making it in. A small inaccuracy but there was probably only one outcome where they clinched a berth. I’m not losing sleep over it.
Next up is the NFC East title. The Cowboys and Eagles are alive for it, with Dallas controlling their destiny. One of these teams will luck into an extremely undeserving 2 seed, while the other lucks into a probable first-round bye in Tampa Bay. Game on.
Eagles 10, Giants 27
Philadelphia is in panic mode. After royally choking the division to the Cardinals last week, they cemented their status against the Giants in embarrassing fashion. The G-men finish the season on a bittersweet note, as they get revenge for the Christmas day Humiliation 2 weeks ago. Philly now must run off to Tampa for a showdown with the Buccaneers in the Wild Card.
Cowboys 38, Commanders 10
It didn’t matter in the end, since Dallas did what they couldn’t last year and took care of business against Washington on the road. Their defense was dominant and Dak… well, let’s just say he’s playing some of the best ball in his career at the right time. If they keep this up, they’ll win a playoff game. A choke would be hilarious, but come on, they’ll probably beat whatever 7 seed by about 30 anyway.
The next point of contention is the 7th seed in the NFC. Green Bay has the easiest path with a win and clinches against the Bears. The Seahawks need a win against Arizona and the Bears to not be a pile of manure for the honor of being cannon fodder at Jerryworld next week. Bring it on.
Seahawks 21, Cardinals 20
It’s in typical Seattle fashion to take a gift situation and make it much harder than it should be. In one of the most typical games for the Seahawks this year, they did just enough to escape with a late 2-point conversion. Now, the Seahawks wait.
Bears 9, Packers 17
Chicago has been through the trenches this year, but have been on a heater beating up on mediocre teams this home stretch. This was their chance to prove themselves on national TV and flip the bird to their older brothers in the Packers. And they failed miserably. Chicago’s offense came out flatter than a map. The defense could only do so much as Green Bay suffocated their offense at every turn. You would think Justin Fields was in the Roman Colosseum the way he was beat up by the Packer D. Congrats, Bears, for you not only lost to a team that was very beatable, but you also failed in your primary goal of doing to them what the Lions did last year.
Playoff Bound: Green Bay Packers
I’m not impressed. While Jordan Love looks good, they’ve had too many close calls this year for me to trust them. Here’s an idea, boys. Lock Joe Barry in a janitor’s closet in Titletown and let him out sometime in mid-February. If they do that, they’re a Super Bowl contender. If not, well…
Seattle, you know what this means. Too much underachieving, boys. Get out.
Eliminated: Seattle Seahawks
Too inconsistent. A team that would humiliate the Eagles and fall apart against teams like the Steelers. Get it fixed.
There is one final game we need to cover. Bills vs. Dolphins for the AFC Crown. Playoff elimination is no longer on the line for Buffalo, but the 2nd seed in the AFC is up for grabs. And a likely free win against the Steelers. Game on.
Bills 21, Dolphins 14
In this game to decide both playoff futures and jobs for next year, the Dolphins did what they do best: flail around and look like complete frauds against a team begging them to finish them off. The Dolphins had 4 turnovers in the first 3 quarters and barely did anything with them. Lo and behold, Buffalo woke up in the 4th quarter and drove the knife through their faltering heart. Dolphins, your hope of winning the division was ripped away at the last moment. The Bills clinch the AFC East. And Miami now must head into the frigid tundra to face Mahomes and the Swiftie army. Talk about a turnaround.
There is one more thing that must be discussed. The Football Gods desire a feast. Black Monday is their holiday. Let us remember those in the coaching ranks who have fallen.
Arthur Smith (Atlanta Falcons Head Coach, 2021-23)
I thought this guy would be good when he got hired. Little did I know that this guy would be trapped in his own demons. He was completely incompetent when it came to using any of his key weapons, baffling playcalling, and horrible decision-making. The Falcons could have been a dark-horse contender this year, but Smith decided to screw up a generational year for guys like A.J. Terrell and Grady Jarrett. Shame.
Ron Rivera (Washington Football Team/Commanders Head Coach, 2020-23)
This one doesn’t surprise me. Rivara had been past his expiration date for quite a while, and I was merely interested to see how long it would take for the new ownership to pull the trigger. The only positive of this move for either side is that Bieniemy could be promoted to the head honcho role to develop Sam Howell further.
Wink Martindale (New York Giants Defensive Coordinator, 2022-23)
This one isn’t being talked about enough. Martindale is a good defensive mind, yes. But his blitz-heavy schemes exhausted the D on prolonged drives and caused them to collapse late in games. With an offense as lifeless as the Giants were this year, Martindale’s defense needed to be perfect this year for them to have a chance at contending. And it was far from it. He won’t be out in the cold for long.
Bill Belichick (New England Patriots Head Coach/General Manager, 2000-23)
I could see this one coming from a mile away, but it still hits like a truck. Bill Belichick, the evil Palpatine of the AFC, is gone. As a Bills fan, it’s almost surreal to see this happen. Belichick’s first 3 Super Bowls happened before I was born. Half of the Patriots’ fan base have only had Belichick during their lifetimes. It’s a new chapter for the franchise and the entire NFL world. Jared Mayo is a good successor but methinks old Bill wants another chance elsewhere. He’ll have a job again soon. Farewell, Bill. I’ll comfort myself from him constantly beating up on my team knowing his final career playoff game with New England was a 30-point loss to the Bills in Buffalo. That’s something to hang my hat on, at least.
Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks Head Coach, 2010-23)
Now, this one is completely out of left field. Pete Carroll? Sure, the team underachieved dramatically this season and failed to sort out their quarterback issues, but I figured he would get another year or two to shape the team. Even then, it’s not a traditional pink-slipping, but a firing-via-promotion. Ostensibly, he’ll move into a senior role away from day-to-day operations, but something tells me he’s not done coaching. Just the raw energy he continues to have on the sidelines week in and week out. Take care, Pete.
Mike Vrabel (Tennessee Titans Head Coach, 2018-23)
This one is a shocker. Vrabel was an issue, but far from the main one in Tennessee. He’s a terrific coach who took Titans teams who had no business competing deep into the playoffs. Like a certain DC from New York, he won’t be out in the cold for long.
This is an incredibly weak offering. The Football Gods will want more blood in the playoffs. Until then…
And so, ends another whimsical year of NFL football. I want to thank the NFL for giving me such great content to write about week in and week out. I want to thank people like The Mirror Adviser Mr. Spear, the Editors of The Mirror, and a number of other Northwood students and staff, all of whom have contributed to putting this article together every week. And most of all, I want to thank you, the reader. As I said last year, your demand for this terrible excuse for journalism is why I pour effort into this each week. I debated ending the football coverage after this year, particularly when I was abroad in Japan over the holidays and ran short on time, but I’ve made my decision. Next year, I’ll be here. The football recaps will be better than ever. I’ll see you all for the Super Bowl Preview. Until then, take care.
