Buccaneers 30, Falcons 36

In an event rarer than Halley’s comet, we got a good Thursday Night Football game this week. Tampa and Atlanta slinging the ball around and each making their cases for the NFC south division crown. Tampa is up late, but the Falcons are driving and can tie it with a field goal. Cue an efficient drive and a spike with 1 second left to tie the game- and then a 45-yard touchdown by Kirk Cousins to win. Cry about the refs all you want, Tampa, but your defense completely blew this game for you guys. Atlanta moves to a convincing 3-2 record. With the schedule they’ve had, that’s pretty good.

Vikings 23, Jets 17

I don’t know what’s more surprising: That the Vikings are 5-0, or that the Jets look as bad as they do now. Maybe it’s the jet lag kicking in since they didn’t get to crumpet land until Friday. But there’s still reason for concern. The offense looks horrible. Rodgers looks rickety and old, the offensive line is a sieve, and the defense can only do so much before the dam breaks and they collapse. Enter a hungry Vikings team looking for a statement, and the Jets are dead on arrival despite Rodgers’ late comeback attempt. The Jets may have lost this one, but don’t worry, I’m not done with you yet.

Panthers 10, Bears 36

It’s just what a team needing a boost to contending status needs: a hot date with the Panthers. No matter what team they’re playing, that trash defense will find some way to make it incredibly easy for the opposition. Caleb Williams, for all his struggles, managed to put together a quality game against the NFL’s version of Kent State. Chicago cruises to an above .500 record and legitimate hope. This is the first time this has been said about them in about 6 years.

Browns 13, Commanders 34

It’s my favorite time of the week: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge! This week, Dirtbag gets to face a Commanders team trying to come to terms with their impressively surprising success. They showed him no mercy. Dirtbag was sacked 7 times, one of them a strip sack, for a total of 7 whacks and a turnover. This brings his season total to 68 whacks and 6 turnovers. Watson has been sacked 26 times, and it’s only been 5 weeks. He’s on pace to get sacked over 88 times this season, and his other on-field play hasn’t helped his case, either. Dirtbag’s “performance” against the Washington defense earned him a QBR of 8.6. That’s not a typo: 8.6. His QBR would have been over 4 times higher if he just spiked the ball into the ground every play. As for the defense, they didn’t fare much better. Picked apart by Comrade Daniels and the Commie machine for over 400 yards and four touchdowns. Enjoy your free victory to 4-1, Washington! Wait a minute… 4-1?

Dolphins 15, Patriots 10

Tyler Huntley against the Patriots. I dare you to find me a more uninspiring matchup than this one because I can’t for the life of me. As both teams tried to solve the complex algorithms of moving a football to the other side of the field, Miami, under the power of a rushing attack that churned out nearly 200 yards, managed to finally overpower the Patriots and keep their season alive. 2-3 isn’t bad for what they are, but they have a tough schedule coming up and will need all the help they can get.

Colts 34, Jaguars 37

Jacksonville may be 0-4 with no hope, but they can always rely on one constant: beating the Colts at home. Indy hasn’t won there since 2014, and the offense, in particular, has been snakebitten against them. However, today it wasn’t the offense that prolapsed, but the defense. The reputable unit that has held vastly more talented units in check got their doors blown off today, with the Jags finally unlocking their offensive potential. Even then, it is the Jags; they can have no nice things. Cue a late Indy comeback under the guidance of Joe Flacco- only to have the Colts D fall apart yet again and allow the game-winning field goal. The Jags get their first win over a team not named Carolina in over 300 days, and better yet; their next two games are at their second home in London. There may be some hope left in Duval after all.

Bills vs. Texans

If you’re reading this, you probably already know what happened and what it likely means. Yes, this game is being separated. At least with the Baltimore game last week, the Bills just played horribly and got pumped, but Sunday against the Texans? It requires some deeper digging. Prepare the salt mines.

Ravens 41, Bengals 38

If it wasn’t for the Bills-Texans game, this game would’ve been the one getting separated into its own piece. It was cinema. Cincinnati with potentially their season on the line squaring off against a Ravens team starting to round into form. At the beginning of the game, Cincinnati proved why they’re still considered a contender despite their bad start. Joe Burrow slinging the ball around, with his receivers creating magic in the Ravens secondary. However, in the second half, Baltimore started to creep back into the picture. They even forced overtime and had the chance to win it on the opening drive. Cincinnati needs this win, though. Look at this, a bobbled snap by Lamar setting them up in prime field position to end the game. All they need to do is kick it through the uprights.

And wouldn’t you know it, the Bungles and their recessive genes decided to spring back up at the worst possible time. When it seemed like everything was going right, the holder muffed the snap leading to an unstable placement for McPherson- who shanked the kick to give Baltimore the ball back. They proceed to carve up the Bungles’ suspect defense to get into chip-shot range for Justin Tucker and win the game. Congratulations, Cincy, for your utter lack of a defense has cost you yet another win. Enjoy being the best 1-4 team in football, you bums.

Raiders 18, Broncos 34

Despite a couple upsets early in the season, people are starting to see through the smoke and mirrors of the black and silver. The Raiders are horrible. They were once again exposed in kind against a young, hungry Broncos team looking to break out. Denver is now 3-2 and looking like one of the better teams in the league, while the Raiders are left wondering where they went wrong and why Davante Adams wants out. Here’s some advice: it starts at the top. Mark Davis is a cancer on this organization.

Cardinals 24, 49ers 23

A young, hungry Arizona team facing off against the resident juggernaut of the NFC. Today was a statement for Arizona. They were looking for someone to beat up on after last week’s humiliation at the hands of their old coach and took it out on the team that they haven’t beaten in over 4 years. This year’s Cardinals team is a tremendous upgrade from cataclysmically horrific to simply trash. What also might fall into the trash are San Fran’s hopes for a high seed in the playoffs if they don’t get their act together. 3 winnable games were thrown away. What a shame.

Giants 29, Seahawks 20

The Giants may lack consistency, good luck, or talent, but boy are they feisty. Case in point: today, they are against the Seahawks in front of the Twelves themselves. New York’s defense came out looking to make a statement, and they did just that. The electricity Seattle’s offense showed last week against Detroit? Yup, that’s gone now. Instead, it’s the Giants’ defense and special teams making Geno Smith’s life a living hell. Or maybe it’s because Geno is experiencing PTSD from his time there in 2017; I don’t know. G-men, you may not be able to do things like moving the ball or scoring points, but your defense is legit. Onward to an 8-win season!

Packers 24, Rams 19

Green Bay has shown over the last few weeks that last year wasn’t a fluke. Their next victim is the LA rams. Despite Jordan Love doing everything in his power to hand LA a win, the Packers managed to pull it out in SoCal due to sheer defensive will. The Rams now fall to 1-4 with serious questions to ask about team structure- and they still aren’t getting any favors on the injury front. Before I call them dead, yes, they were 3-6 last year and made the playoffs winning 7 of 8. Yes, it’s possible. But they have to get their act together- and I’m not seeing any of that yet.

Cowboys 20, Steelers 17

Dallas and Pittsburgh locking horns in the dictionary definition of a fraud bowl. The anticipation is palpable and terrible towels flying in Yinzerl- oh, fun, a weather delay. We’ll catch up with this one later.

Laughingstock of the Week

This weather delay is boring as hell. How about lightening everyone’s mood by laughing at the Jets? The other New York team is reeling after an embarrassing loss across the pond, and Aaron Rodgers is growing frustrated. The news came out as soon as they touched down in Newark: Robert Saleh has been fired. Sure, Saleh may have been a subpar game manager, but he was the heart and soul of that defense and the only energy guy on an otherwise depleted sideline. It isn’t the firing that angers me, but how they did it. According to reports, Saleh was completely blindsided by Woody Johnson when he got in the building. He was coming in to prepare for the Bills and got a pink slip instead. Not only that, but he was immediately escorted out by security before he could get a chance to address his players and say goodbye! Aaron Rodgers claims yet another victim. How did no one see this coming?

Cowboys 20, Steelers 17 (continued)

This game FINALLY gets underway after everyone sat around watching Netflix for a few hours. For most of the game, the on-field play matched the conditions that delayed this game. Both offenses were atrocious during the first half. However, as the night grew late, both teams realized they had ambitions to maintain and score touchdowns. Despite Dak auditioning for a spot working alongside Famous Jameis, he managed to do just enough on the final drive to get the Cowboys an ugly, ugly win. You may celebrate for now, but much tougher tests await. Have fun with Detroit next week.

Saints 13, Chiefs 26

New Orleans, over the last few weeks, has been revealed to be a paper tiger that has learned nothing from past screwups. In a situation where they had to win, they completely fell apart and were slowly suffocated into the night by the Chiefs. Kansas City didn’t even look all that impressive, but it was still more than enough to adequately beat these guys. The Chiefs move to 5-0, but a pretty weak one.