Stanley Cup Playoffs Preview

April 18, 2025 by

The best time of the year is closing in on us: playoff hockey is back. 2 months of war for the right to hoist the 35-pound trophy of Lord Stanley. Let’s meet the 16 teams attempting to be the last standing this year.

 

Toronto Maple Leafs

Another year, another regular season where the Leafs enter the playoffs looking like a cup contender. Of course, the regular season has meant nothing to Leafs fans for so long that this outcome is all but a given for them, but there’s a different buzz surrounding Toronto this year. Under Craig Berube, they’ve gotten grittier and tougher. The superstars are performing as advertised, but they’ve had some significant contributions from their depth, more so than in years past, particularly on the back end. Their goaltending has been solid, and the only question they need to answer on that front is which reliable guy they roll with come playoff time; both Stolarz and Woll have adequately held the fort this year. There have been some scares throughout the year (they went 0-2 against the Sharks and have laid some eggs on the road), but the hope is that Toronto can once again get to the second round now that Boston is out of the picture. And hopefully win more than a game once they get there.

 

Tampa Bay Lightning

The Bolts once again keeping pace with the elite in the East throughout the regular season? Yawn. I don’t think I need to lecture you about their talent, or their past ability to perform down the stretch, or their trademark overpayment for depth players at the trade deadline. While said acquisitions haven’t been the immediate jolts that the Lightning were hoping for, they seem to be finding their groove and are shaping up to make their presence felt when the rest of the Bolts are also at their best: April and May. However, I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that Tampa’s best years are behind them. Not that the window for them to win is closing, but more that it won’t open any further than now. Or Vasilevskiy will enable cheat codes again and carry this team to another cup final.

 

Florida Panthers

The cup defense is going well so far, despite the injuries at the end of the year causing them to sputter a little down the stretch. Tkachuk and Ekblad will be back midway through the first round- Tkachuk recovering from an injury, and Ekblad from a PED suspension. Once again, the success of this season for the Cats will be measured in the playoffs. Just lose and get it over with. I don’t want to see another cup final played in Florida for a little while.

 

Ottawa Senators

The contenders in the Atlantic Division can be divided into two groups: At the top, there are the expected juggernauts- Toronto and the Florida teams. For them, any and all success will be determined in April and May. Then, there are the Senators. They have finally broken out of their shell and have made the playoffs for the first time since the game seven that their fans have been trying to erase from their memories. Unlike those above them in the Atlantic, the Sens will be playing with house money this April and are riding on vibes and momentum. To me, Ottawa’s success this year has hinged on two factors: First, goaltending. While Ullmark has struggled at times this year, he is eons better than the clowns past Sens teams have had in goal and has done enough to keep them in games. Second, coaching. Travis Green took over a team that had done nothing but underachieve and has led them to their best season in nearly a decade. It’s been such a profound turnaround that he’s in the mix for the Jack Adams award, although he probably won’t get it. They have exceeded all expectations placed upon them this year, and those are the teams that are the most dangerous if they catch fire at the right time.

 

Washington Capitals

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that the Caps would not only make the playoffs but be tops in the Eastern Conference, I would’ve had your head examined. If you’re looking for the reason why coaches like Evason, St. Louis, and Green aren’t favorites for the Jack Adams award, look no further than these guys. Spencer Carbery’s Caps have re-embraced youth, revival, and the farm system and reinvigorated both the franchise and the fanbase. Pierre-Luc Dubois has finally found his groove. Guys like Andrew Mangiapane, Jacob Chychrun, and Connor McMichael have emerged as quality contributors throughout the year. Logan Thompson, cast off by Vegas, has performed at a level for Washington that will have him in the running for the Vezina this year. And I haven’t even mentioned Alex Ovechkin yet. They’re interesting going into the playoffs, but it’ll be telling to see how these guys do once the lights get brighter. Hopefully, these guys win a round or two instead of turning into a pumpkin once it really matters.

 

Carolina Hurricanes

Another year where the Canes dominate the regular season and are riding a heat wave entering the postseason. In other words, the sky is blue. The Rantanen fiasco is behind them, and Carolina seems to be rounding into past form at just the right time… but then again, we’ve said the same thing about every other Canes team over the past 5 years. You know, those regular-season juggernauts that have done nothing but sputter and choke when it really matters? Anything short of a trip back to the Conference Finals will be considered a dismal failure for these guys. Maybe they can actually win a game once they get there.

 

New Jersey Devils

I would have hope for these guys, but Jack Hughes is out for the year after his shoulder injury. There isn’t much to say about them other than that they’ll be stepping into the Islanders’ shoes this year: That is, being relegated to Carolina’s property in 5 or 6 games.

 

Montreal Canadiens

At the all-star break, I had a surprise team from the Atlantic making the playoffs as the #8 seed. Unfortunately, I chose poorly. The correct answer was these guys. In February, it looked like their strong midseason run of form had worn off, and they were done. Instead, they’ve turned it on again and stormed into a playoff spot led by some of the most exciting youth in the league. The likes of Nick Suzuki, Cole Caufield, Patrick Laine, and Lane Hutson have revived the Canadiens into a young, hungry team looking to turn some serious heads this postseason. The addition of Demidov only makes this group even more fun to watch. This isn’t to discount the efforts of Marty St. Louis, who will be up for the Jack Adams this year. Like Ottawa, they’re playing with house money this year… but unlike Ottawa, they are avoiding that murderer’s row of an Atlantic Division until at least the 3rd round, should they make it that far. They’re going to be interesting, that’s for sure. Whether it translates to any real noise is to be determined.

 

Winnipeg Jets

I had them missing the playoffs at the start of the year, and boy, was I proven wrong. This year’s iteration of the Whiteout is eerily similar to the 2018 squad that took the hockey world by storm. The Jets boast one of the most well-rounded teams in the league this year. Their offensive attack remains elite and also does enough to aid their defense. They have some of the best power-play numbers in the league, and Connor Hellebuyck… no explanation needed there. Their true test, unsurprisingly, will be in the playoffs, though. Jets fans don’t need to be reminded of their last few trips to the dance. Hopefully, they can win more than one game this time, especially with the monkey’s paw of the President’s trophy hanging over their heads. No pressure.

 

Dallas Stars

Spare me the details of the Stars’ outstanding regular season, the emergence of their scoring depth, or their prize-deadline acquisition. For the Stars, the regular season has meant so little that their fans could probably sleep through games. Although they’ve looked alarmingly bad down the stretch, particularly on the back end. Without Miro Heiskanen, their defense has transformed into hot garbage. In addition, they lost Robertson in the season finale, and he left the rink in a knee brace. They need them back, and they need them back now. I don’t know if they’ll stand a chance otherwise, especially considering their first-round opponent. This is their last shot at making noise before serious questions need to be asked about this core’s viability. If they come up short yet again, I’d ready the guillotine for Peter DeBoer.

 

Colorado Avalanche

The Avs have had another outstanding regular season. Despite some bumps early in the season, they’ve rebounded nicely with new acquisition Marty Necas finally blossoming into the ranks of the elite. The core contributors and expectations for the Avs this year need no explanation, but there is another storyline to follow closely this time around: Landeskog. After 2 years sidelined with injury, he has finally laced up again on a conditioning stint with Colorado’s AHL affiliate. There’s a chance he could suit up for some playoff hockey; his first meaningful action since their cup victory. The high of the cup win three years ago is wearing off fast. Better make some more noise this year.

 

Minnesota Wild

Oh, so they’re here again… yay. The Wild have improved on last year, going from horrifically bad to simply mid. In other words, Minnesota is imitating nearly every other playoff team they’ve had over the last 10 years and change. Once again, they have no expectations. Once again, they have some serious flaws. Once again, they will probably win 1 or 2 games to give their fans false hope, before twisting the knife with 2-3 straight losses to bow out to a superior opponent. Some things just never change. However, I will say this: You see that opponent you have in the first round? You’d get a lot of people on your side if you upset them. Just a thought.

 

Vegas Golden Knights

Can these guys just go away? No one outside of their toxic bandwagon fan base wants this team to succeed, and they’re rolling out a largely similar lineup to the last few years. They haven’t done any of their trademark LTIR tight-rope walking this year, but they’re still a serious threat nonetheless, even if they’re finally cap-friendly. They should just do the rest of us a favor and lose to a weak opponent in the first round for the plot. Vegas winning would be a detriment to every hockey fan in the country.

 

Los Angeles Kings

This is the year, LA. The rebuild has long since concluded and the grace period is over for the fans. Years of losing to Edmonton in increasingly humiliating fashion will do that. Speaking of which, guess who they drew in the first round… but with home ice reversed in LA’s favor this time around. If they come up short against their dreaded adversary yet again, expect heads to roll. They axed McLellan last year, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they panicked and went after some of the suits if the Kings flop yet again.

 

Edmonton Oilers

The Oilers are finally getting healthy at the right time and are looking to make it back to the Finals, this time with a much different result. Their frontline talent requires no explanation, and they are fielding a very similar team to last year. Their Achilles heel, once again, will be goaltending. Stuart Skinner will be the key to any and all success the Oilers experience in these playoffs. If he has a pulse like last year, this team is a Cup contender. If he falls apart like in seasons past, well… let’s not go there quite yet.

 

St. Louis Blues

This team reminds me a lot of their 2019 squad. A new coach stepping in to reinvigorate the team and the resurgence of Jordan Binnington, leading to a torrid hot streak to end the year. They’re even facing the Jets in the first round as an underdog, so there’s that parallel, too. There are a lot more comparisons to be drawn, and just like last time, they have zero expectations this time around as well. While they’re not that talented on paper, they have the momentum, structure, and goaltending to go far if they get some bounces and luck. Or if their first-round opponent lays an egg. They’re really interesting going into the playoffs.

 

Cup Final Predictions

These playoffs are wide open, so why not go with the matchup that everyone would love: Montreal vs. St. Louis? Two teams are riding incredible momentum with enough experience on their rosters and playing with house money. Just please, not Vegas versus a Florida team again. The traditional hockey markets have been starved as of late. It’s going to happen again, isn’t it?

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NFL Week 4 Recap

October 10, 2024 by

Cowboys 20, Giants 15

Dallas is struggling big time to start the year. Luckily for them, their next opponent is the perfect remedy: a hot date with the Giants. New York kept it close but were unable to convert in the red zone when it mattered. 5 field goals and Dallas having a better team were the reason why they escaped this Thursday Night disaster with a win. Next week, though, is the true test for them.

 

Bengals 34, Panthers 24

Cincinnati facing off against arguably the worst team in the league on the road desperate for a win. They did their part by lying over and dying on defense for Joe Burrow as he had his most productive day of the season. However, these are the Bungles; nothing comes easy. Their defense was, once again, godawful. Picked apart for 24 points by Andy Dalton and the Carolina Circus, keeping it within a score for most of the game. The Bungles need to figure things out, and they get no favors as they play Baltimore next week.

 

Saints 24, Falcons 26

The Saints have fallen back to earth. It started with their loss to the Eagles last week and continues today in Atlanta. Remember when New Orleans’s offense looked unstoppable in the first two weeks? I remember. Saints fans probably do, too, as they allowed Atlanta to control the majority of play and get back into the division race with a win. The NFC South is starting to look really interesting this year. I’m intrigued.

 

Jaguars 20, Texans 24

Before you is a team that controlled the majority of play, finally got their offense moving outside of garbage time, yet still got their rear ends handed on a platter. Meet the Jags, who do just enough on offense to keep the game close but can’t convert when it matters. It sucks even more because the defense actually did things today. If Trevor Lawrence and the offense could get anything going in the second half, the Jags probably win. 14 yards of offense in the second half. That was all. You sure your job is secure, Doug? I wouldn’t be that nonchalant in the press conference after an 0-4 start. We’ll have to move the Guillotine from East Rutherford to TrEverbank Stadium in the coming weeks.

 

Broncos 10, Jets 9

Even when they finally have a real quarterback, the Jets still can’t stop Jetting and falling into the same traps. Denver may be on the rise, but they are still very beatable, all things considered. The Jets took this as a challenge: field goals only. The Broncos had 60 passing yards, and they still lost today. I haven’t even mentioned the whiffing king that is Greg Zuerlein. That last kick wasn’t even close! I know there was wind, but at some point, enough is enough. Enjoy the unemployment line.

 

Vikings 31, Packers 29

I don’t know how you somehow turn a new leaf and revert to your old habits in the same game- but the Vikings did it here. The first half was domination, similar to the games we’ve seen out of them on this surprising start. Sam Darnold skied the ball for a 28-0 lead in the 2nd quarter. Then, the Packers finally woke up. Jordan Love started slinging, and Minnesota started choking again as Green Bay came all the way back and ended up making it a game in the end. Minnesota is 4-0, but as we saw in the 2nd half today, cracks are beginning to form. Fix them.

 

Steelers 24, Colts 27

Everyone knew the Steelers were frauds at 3-0, but losing to Joe Flacco wasn’t how I thought they’d be exposed. The Colts were hungry for a statement win after the first two weeks, and they got one here over an allegedly strong defense. Despite Anthony Richardson getting injured yet again, Indianapolis managed to cruise to a win on the back of a solid defensive effort- despite a late comeback attempt by Pittsburgh. The Colts are back at .500 with an easy schedule in front of them. They play the Jags, Titans, and Miami. 5-2 is in the realm of possibilities. I’m impressed.

 

Rams 18, Bears 24

And here is one of the more frustrating losses for the Rams this season. They outgained and outplayed the Bears all day, yet lost due to miscues and untimely turnovers. Matt Eberflus survives for another day as Chicago wins the flyover game of the week by means of sheer dumb luck.

 

Eagles 16, Buccaneers 33

Let’s see here: Slow, sluggish play, a real temp feel of 109 degrees, and fans passing out and puking in the stands? Yep, it sounds like a game played in Florida. The Eagles on the field matched such conditions. They were dominated all game long by a team with many question marks. Down 24-0 in the first half, it was over. Philadelphia tried to come back and even brought it within two scores, but Jalen Hurts reverted to turnover mode and killed any semblance of a rally. Eagles, you deserve this failure at 2-2. Fire Sirianni straight out of the cannon the Bucs have in their stadium.

 

Patriots 13, 49ers 30

It would appear that the Patriots’ hot streak to start the season after upsetting the Bungles is now over. They were brought back to earth today in Santa Clara as they got their earth salted by the 49ers. Today, Brock Purdy returned to form, slinging the ball around and feeding George Kittle. The defense did the rest, as San Fran used New England as practice for real teams. Pats fans, did you enjoy your two weeks of relevance? Back to the basement with you!

 

Commanders 42, Cardinals 14

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again now: The Commies are a playoff team this year. The Red Army advances on the next hapless victim: Arizona. Much like the Prague Spring, they put up a good fight for a half and then were overrun by Comrade Daniels and his band of merry men. Once the second half started, Washington put their desires for legitimacy into overdrive and defecated on the Cardinals from the highest perch they could find. They move into sole possession of the AFC East with this resounding win. See what happens when you don’t have a sniveling charlatan for an owner, Washington? You reap what you sow. It indeed goes both ways.

 

Chiefs 17, Chargers 10

The Chiefs’ record of incredible luck and fluky wins continues today against the Chargers. The MVP for Kansas City was the same as the other games: Zebras. Let’s start with a convenient 1-game suspension for Derwin James for repeated player safety violations. This is a friendly reminder that the Chiefs employ a running back whose street racing in Dallas this offseason injured an entire family. Unsurprisingly, he gets no spin on the Wheel of Discipline because he wears red and is on the same team as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. Add in a stream of flags for the Chargers and the Chiefs secondary blatantly holding all game, and it spells out a true MVP performance for the referees. Despite a 10-0 Charger lead and Mahomes playing horrible, they were eventually able to come back due to LA being significantly undermanned. Kansas City goes on to 4-0, but a pretty weak one. We all know they’ll just get hot in January anyway.

 

Browns 16, Raiders 20

The Raiders were punched in the mouth last week against a team they should’ve taken to town. Luckily for them, they have the perfect remedy for such an ailment: Dirtbag. The Browns’ offensive line is perfect training wheels for when the Raiders have to play real teams. Going into this week, Dirtbag has racked up 50 whacks and 3 turnovers. Today, he was hit 11 times and sacked thrice, including on 4th down to end the game, and an interception. This brings his total to 61 whacks and 5 turnovers. Great numbers so far for him. The Raiders will take their free win and move on.

 

Bills 10, Ravens 35

You may be wondering why I didn’t separate this game into its standalone piece like some other Bills losses in the past. That is simple: they don’t deserve it. Buffalo played like excrement and got exposed by a real team. Turns out that facing the collapsing Jags, Tua Turndaballova and the Cardinals will make any defensive unit look good. Baltimore gets back to .500 with this win and looks like one of the best teams in football. As for the Bills? It’s still early in the year, but cracks are beginning to show. Focus on getting that defense up to scratch first.

 

Titans 31, Dolphins 12

Those of us who were envisioning more Will Levis memes tonight were unfortunately disappointed. He injured his shoulder on the opening drive, leading to an appearance from the man, the myth, the legend: Mason Rudolph. Guiding Tennessee to a win past a broken Dolphins team, Rudolph played safe and efficiently and finally got the Titans in the win column. For the most part, though, this game was a boring slopfest that was mercifully overshadowed by the other Monday Night game.

 

Seahawks 29, Lions 42

Over the past few years, whenever the Seahawks and Lions face each other, it’s the signal for both defenses to take national holidays and go AWOL for 60 minutes. This game was no different. Despite the Lions setting pace throughout and controlling most of the play, Seattle was no pushover. Despite some untimely turnovers, they managed to keep the game in check. Detroit’s question marks on offense are now fully settled as they head to the bye. Good stuff out of them.

 

Laughingstock of the Week

This week didn’t offer anything concrete, so we’ll lean on the crutch that most college football fans lean on for laughs: The entirety of the Florida State Seminoles football program. DJ Ukulele and Mike Norvell have put together a disaster class this season in Tallahassee, and this week was no different. From 10th ranked at the start of the year to 1-4 with losses to the likes of Memphis and SMU. It’s truly remarkable how far you can fall in such a short time frame.

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NFL Recap: Week 3 

September 24, 2024 by

Patriots 3, Jets 24 

What concerned me about New England in this game wasn’t the lack of offense, or the defense being picked apart, or every part of the team seemingly running out of magic pixie dust. What concerned me was the offensive line. Both quarterbacks the Pats threw in there today deserved hazard pay for their efforts. Every time I would look up at the screen while New England was on offense, I would see Brissett either running for his life or rolling around on the ground. That’s not a recipe for success. Patriots, are you ready to get beat up on by the rest of your division? Good, because this is what it’ll be for the other 5 games as well. Welcome back to the basement.  

 

Giants 21, Browns 15 

Giants, where has this been? They not only went into Cleveland and won but did it with a convincing effort on offense. Despite the Browns D being stout, Devin Singletary and Malik Nabers put this team on their back and carried them to their first win of the season. Are they truly turning a corner, or is this their trademark thing where they inexplicably beat a far superior team on the road early in the season? However, we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. Let’s talk about the Browns’ offense. You know what this means: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge. Dirtbag enters this week having taken 25 whacks and committed 2 turnovers. This Sunday was a special day for him. Dirtbag was sacked 8 times including a strip sack and hit an additional 17 times for a total of 25 whacks and 1 turnover- doubling his whack total for the year. This brings his season total to 50 whacks and 3 turnovers. Hopefully the Browns offensive line keeps doing its thing and transforming into turnstiles so that this number can continue to increase. Now watch them magically become competent when they put Famous Jameis under center.  

 

Eagles 15, Saints 12 

Things were looking scary for the Eagles in this one. Despite dominating New Orleans on paper, neutralizing their potent offense and outgaining them, they were still tethered to the Saints in score and were even down at the half. This was due to some very untimely turnovers and Sirinani not taking the points. Despite these setbacks, the Eagles were able to pull away in the end thanks to their new wrecking ball, Saquon Barkley, having a day and a very poor throw by Dere by Derek Carr under duress on the final drive. Philadelphia has saved their season, while in the case of the Saints? At least you played good situational football? I wouldn’t panic, it’s still early.  

 

Texans 7, Vikings 34 

Sam Darnold continues to torch the league with yet another outstanding performance against a legit opponent in the Texans. Darnold and the running game were dominant, and the defense did the rest as CJ Stroud could get nothing going all game long. Houston didn’t look good at all, but they have an excuse of running into the machine that is the new-age Purple People Eaters. Now if you had told me at the beginning of the year that Minnesota would be 3-0 and leading their division with the preseason they had, I’d have chucked you in a straightjacket.  

 

Broncos 26, Buccaneers 7 

The Broncos have been stout defensively in both of their losses so far. All they need is for Bo Nix to not play like putrid sheep dung and they will win. Wouldn’t you know it, Bo Nix had his first signature game. Slinging the ball around, being in complete command of his offense, and finally flashing the talent that had Oregon hang onto him for 2 years too long. Even Baker Mayfield had to stop in awe at his performance. The Broncos have life again and all it took was some semblance of an offense. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed.  

 

Packers 30, Titans 14 

The good news for Green Bay is that they’re playing the Titans. This means that all they have to do is maintain a pulse and they’ll be fine. They did that and more against a haphazard Tennessee outfit featuring Will Levis committing more boneheaded turnovers and making his case for biggest meme of the league. Even Malik Willis flashed some of his talent by skying the ball to Packer wideouts. Green Bay has escaped the death pit they were on the brink of when Jordan Love got hurt. The Titans have replaced them there with an 0-3 start. Will Levis, your days are numbered.  

 

Bears 16, Colts 21 

I was very close to making Matt Eberflus the Laughingstock of the Week for his ineptitude today, but I had already made up my mind on… another event. Let me add some context to what I’m talking about. The Bears have scored a touchdown to cut the lead to 5 with 2 minutes left. Matt Eberflus has a decision to make. He can either do an onside kick and try to get the ball back, or kick it deep and trust his incredibly suspect defense to stop a running back that they haven’t been able to all game. Choose wisely, Sir! He picked option 2, huh? You can probably guess what happens next. Jonathan Taylor gets 10 yards on the first play and the Colts win. When are the Bears going to fire this guy? 

 

Chargers 10, Steelers 20 

This game proved one thing: Even in the year 2024, you still don’t need a competent offense to win football games. Despite the Chargers controlling the game in the early going, Pittsburgh stayed alive due to sheer defensive will. Once Justin Fields woke up and started doing what he does best- running the ball- it was all over. Chargers, good game, but if Quinten Johnston is your most reliable target, you’re done. Get it figured out. A world where the Steelers are 3-0… 

 

Dolphins 3, Seahawks 24 

On paper, this looked like an interesting game in the 4PM window. Then, you realize the Dolphins are forced to start Skylar Thompson. Predictable events played out and Seattle cruised to victory on the back of a big day for D.K. Metcalf. The Dolphins are in big trouble unless they can get Tua back soon. I just hope they don’t bring him back too soon, if you get my drift. My best advice is to err on the side of caution, Miami.  

 

Panthers 36, Raiders 22 

Everything is going perfectly for the Panthers and their tanking ambitions. They look like one of the worst teams in the league through two weeks. They lack mastery of basic tenets of football, like tackling and blocking. They are going on the road to face a team coming off a huge upset and looking for more. They even benched former 1st overall pick Bryce Young for such a game. Everything is going according to pl– wait, no, Panthers, what are you doing, don’t walk away from the cliff! You’re supposed to tank the other way, TANK THE OTHER WAY!!! Why in god’s name is Andy Dalton slinging it around like he’s back in 2015? The Panthers went from Hades to Olympus in one week and all it took was a quarterback taller than 4 foot 2. Raiders, you’ve robbed us of the 0-17 dream. Go get lost at the casinos. All of you.  

 

49ers 24, Rams 27 

San Francisco and blowing 10 point leads in big games. Now where have I seen this before? The 49ers dominated the Rams for much of this game, but fell apart at the end. Up 7 with 3 minutes left, all they needed was a field goal to all but secure a win- and their kicker Jake Moody misses yet another field goal. Cue a quick drive by the Rams and a touchdown to tie the game. Now, the Niners have the ball back- and go 3 and out. One special teams gaffe later plus a pass interference penalty got the Rams into field goal range to end the game. Niners, congratulations. You’ve now lost two games you should have easily won on paper. Remember these if you’re a lower seed in January.  

 

Lions 20, Cardinals 13 

Detroit, here is an opportunity for you to bounce back after the offensive disaster last week against the Bucs. The Cardinals may be young and hungry, but they used up all their mana by blowing out the Rams last week. This means that all Detroit needs to do is not mess up and they’ll be fine. They controlled the game for the most part, despite midget man and the Cardinals’ defense’s best efforts. This is a good rebound for them before their showdown with Seattle next Monday. Arizona, at least you weren’t completely terrible.  

 

Ravens 28, Cowboys 25 

For the second week in a row, say it with me everyone! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!! Yet another week where they get embarrassed at home against a foe that wants nothing to do with their pomp and flash. Baltimore massacred the Cowboys so badly in the first half you’d think it was Custer’s Last Stand. A 28-6 lead in the 3rd quarter should do the trick. However, this is Baltimore that we’re talking about. If there’s one thing we’ve learned about them, it’s that the lead is never safe. Cue the inevitable comeback, just like every other Ravens game over the past few seasons. Dallas even got it to within 3 with 3 minutes left- and then the Cowboys defense decided to disappear on the field again and couldn’t stop a thing as Baltimore ran the clock out on them. The Ravens have saved their season with this win, but now face a tough test in Buffalo at home. As for Dallas? At least you have the Giants? That’s a positive.  

 

Chiefs 22, Falcons 17 

The Kansas City Chiefs in primetime against an inferior opponent. I have developed a checklist for how these games seem to play out. The Chiefs looking sluggish on both sides early on? Check. Their opponent jumping out to an early lead? Check. Their opponent going flat in the 2nd half and KC taking a sizable lead? Check. The Chiefs nearly blowing the game but getting bailed out by the refs? A lot of people thought this final box got ticked as well. Here’s my opinion: No, Atlanta didn’t get screwed. Yes, that play in the end zone on their penultimate drive should have been pass interference. However, the Falcons’ final drive was aided by bad calls and refball; the incompetence was equal opportunity. I would be more worried about their play calling in short-yardage situations. The Chiefs are obviously selling out against the run and stacking the line of scrimmage… so you run a jet-sweep on 4th and 1. On a drive where you’ve done nothing but screen passes and trickery. Are you sure Sarkesian isn’t still calling plays down there?  

 

Jaguars 10, Bills 47 

Buffalo is on a rampage right now. If the swaths of dead Cardinals and Dolphins left in their wake don’t convince you, just look at what they did to the Jags in primetime. It was a massacre. The Bills scored touchdowns on their first 5 drives. In the first half. They didn’t punt until their backup QB was in during garbage time. Damar Hamlin got an interception. Damar Hamlin. Buffalo humiliated the Jags straight into witness protection; it was that bad. Even Mac Jones got thrown to the wolves in garbage time to endure his share of the beating. Are you sure Trevor Lawrence is still the solution, Jacksonville? He’s turning into the blonde version of DJ Ukulele with how many throws he’s missing down the field. Buffalo thanks you for the free win.  

 

Commanders 38, Bengals 33 

Leave it to the Bungles to make a team I called a tank bowl contender a week ago look like a playoff team. While Washington was impressive and efficient, the real blame is on the Bungles’ haphazard defense. They couldn’t make a stop. Did the entire team just go get drunk all week after their collapse at Arrowhead last week? That’s the only thing I can think of. They couldn’t make a play to save their lives when it mattered, even giving up a hail mary-type throw in the final minutes to Terry McLaurin. The Bungles are now 0-3 and hovering over the pit of despair. At least you have the Panthers next week. You’re not gonna screw this up… right? 

 

Laughingstock of the Week 

This week takes us, yet again, to the college ranks. This week’s Laughingstock is everybody involved in the ending of the Baylor-Colorado game on Saturday night. Let’s start with some context. Shadeur Sanders and Colorado are coming off an embarrassing blowout loss at Nebraska, and so far, haven’t been able to bounce back at home against the Baylor Bears. Down 31-24 with seconds remaining, it is crunch time. Cue a hail mary attempt with 10 seconds left, a perfect throw from Shadeur… and then Will Sheppard drops an easy touchdown. Take two with 2 seconds left. Baylor even took a timeout to organize the defense. Colorado puts it up again… and gets the miracle touchdown with zeroes on the clock. Tie game. Cue overtime, where the Buffs make quick work of the exhausted Baylor D to take the lead. Now Baylor gets the ball back. Enter Dominic Richardson. He’s breaking for the end zone with the ball- but Travis Hunter strips him at the 1 and appears to win the game for Colorado. It’s okay, Richardson was just trying out for the Bungles, we understand. However, here’s the kicker. The crowd of totally legit lifelong CU fans proceeded to rush the field as the refs were reviewing the play; the game was not over. The refs had to clear off the field before announcing that the play stood. Colorado rushed the field again. You don’t know how much we needed CU to get humiliated again, Baylor. Get out of my sight.  

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NFL Recap: Week 2

September 22, 2024 by

Week 2 is in the books. There’s a lot that happened this week. Let’s get into it.

 

Bills 31, Dolphins 10

I don’t know how to describe this game other than a complete annihilation of all of the Dolphins’ hopes and dreams. Miami was favored, they were coming off an incredible comeback win, they had everything in their favor! Yet they still found a way to make Josh Allen look like their daddy once again. The much-hyped defense couldn’t make a stop when it mattered, allowing James Cook to run hogwild all over them. As for the offense? Tua Turndaballova decided to make yet another appearance. 3 awful interceptions, one of them a pick-six, to give Buffalo 17 free points. And then he got injured. The good news for Miami is that despite how scary the injury looked, Tua still isn’t retiring. The bad news is that it’s his 5th concussion in as many years. I don’t know how he does it- or if he does it at all.

 

49ers 17, Vikings 23

All of us who doubted Sam Darnold last week and were made to eat crow had the convenient excuse of the Giants’ defense. Today, Mono Man had to face a real team- and did the exact same thing. Darnold was outstanding once again, but the show’s real star was the Vikings defense. They were suffocating and relentless, making Brock Purdy’s life a living hell and taking advantage of the absence of several key players. Niners, you may have lost in embarrassing fashion, but I’m not done yet. McCaffrey was placed on IR before the game. George Kittle went down. Nick Bosa had ankle issues. It might be a long 4-6 week stretch coming up for you guys.

 

Seahawks 23, Patriots 20 (OT)

Two teams entering uncharted territory: The Seahawks in their first road game without Carroll, and the Patriots in their first home game without Belichick in over 20 years. Safe to say that this game was just as entertaining as I hoped it would be. Even for their flaws, New England had the lead late with an opportunity to seal it with a field goal… and then Joey Slye channeled Chad Ryland last year by pushing the kick wide and to the left. The Seahawks are the kind of team that will make you pay for such errors. They don’t flip the game but do enough to tie the game and send it to overtime- and then the offense did the rest as they won on a walk-off field goal. Patriots, you may have lost but take pride in the fact that nobody thought you would look good this year. Despite Backup Brisket and the passing attack needing some work, their ground game is legit. Keep it up.

 

Giants 18, Commanders 21

In what might be a preview for a Super Tank Bowl in about 2 months’ time, the Giants and Commies meet in the house that pain and failure built for an uninspiring game of football. If there’s any solace to this matchup, at least we get to see the rookies instead of last year where there was no talent on either side. Jaden Daniels looks good so far. Despite Washington’s inability to convert in the red zone (yet again), they did enough to set up new kicker Austin Seibert for 7 clutch field goals. Giants, you may have scored touchdowns this week, but the W’s still elude you. Like I said last week, time to sharpen that guillotine.

 

Chargers 26, Panthers 3

Things are looking dire in Charlotte. After last week’s alleyway mugging at the hands of New Orleans, the Panthers return for their home opener to a crowd of… mostly Charger fans. This is the first time in about 8 years that Charger fans have outnumbered those of the opposition, home or away. I don’t know what does if that doesn’t tell you how apathetic Carolina has gotten. As for the game itself, predictable events played out. LA had their way with that trash defense all game, but the Panthers’ main concern should be Bryce Young. He has looked horrible. He’s skittish in the pocket, he’s making insanely questionable choices with the ball, and his presence is so tiny on the field you’d confuse him with Tyrion Lannister. They’re 0-17. Watch now; it’s that bad. Chargers, enjoy your free win to 2-0. Send Ryan Poles a fruit basket while you’re at it.

 

Saints 44, Cowboys 19

HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!!!! It’s one thing when the Saints hang 40+ on Carolina, but when they do it to Dem Boys? It turns a lot of heads. Dallas was completely dominated in their home opener on all sides of the ball. Their offense was passable until Dak started getting desperate in the 2nd half, forcing it into triple coverage. As for the defense? Would you seriously call whatever they did on Sunday “defending”? They just stood there for the most part and let the Saints’ wideouts run right by them, apart from a fluke interception in garbage time. They didn’t keep them off the board until the 4th quarter. They were annihilated today by Derek Carr, of all quarterbacks, slinging it like he’s back in his 2016 prime. Saints, we thank you for this glorious bounty of getting to laugh at the Cowboys. To them, it’s just a side effect of a legit statement win.

 

Colts 10, Packers 16

Anthony Richardson is a man of many talents. Consistency is apparently not one of them. Last week showcased his tremendous upside; Sunday exposed his flaws. A-Rich was god awful. Green Bay didn’t even do anything special; they had one good drive in the 1st quarter and then sat back and played conservatively for the rest of the game. Despite a late comeback effort, it wasn’t enough. Green Bay wins and avoids the 0-2 death pit that the Colts now find themselves in.

 

Browns 18, Jaguars 13

The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge is back! Let’s see what glorious bounty the Jags defense gave us today! Dirtbag entered Sunday’s game with 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. The Jags didn’t get him as hard as Dallas did last week, but they still sacked him twice and hit him 6 more times, despite forcing no turnovers. This brings Dirtbag’s season tally to 25 whacks and 2 turnovers. Surely with this defensive effort, the Jags must have won, right? Surely in the grand opening of TrEverBank Field, the namesake would have done something, right? He didn’t? The Jags offense sucks even more than Dirtbag? Oh, joy. Don’t worry, though, Jacksonville, because you get the Bills next week. Enjoy getting massacred in primetime in front of the Mafia.

 

Jets 24, Titans 17

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Who the hell wants to win? It certainly isn’t these two poverty franchises whose wasted potential is only matched by their incompetence. In the Jets’ case, it’s a heinous instance of playing down to their competition. As for the Titans, they’re just a bad team. Example A was Will Levis, who committed his Boneheaded Turnover of the Week in the form of a desperate lateral to his checkdown option. On 3rd and short in the red zone. In the 2nd quarter. When they were up by 7. This is the kind of incompetence you don’t even see in Pop Warner, yet Levis is out here playing like his hands are lathered in mayonnaise. It’s enough to do the unthinkable: Give the Jets hope. Despite a slow start, the offense woke up in the 2nd half to do just enough to hold off Tennessee. They’ve looked incredibly fraudulent so far, but a win is a win, I guess… right?

 

Buccaneers 20, Lions 16

This game was a defensive struggle. It came down to which team made the fewest mistakes. And today, that team was Tampa Bay. Despite Aiden Hutchinson having a career day, the Bucs were able to capitalize on Detroit’s miscues in the red zone to take the lead late and hang on. Tampa Bay looks legit, but is it sustainable? That’s a question for down the road. Detroit looks good so far, but this is a reminder that they’re not invincible.

 

Raiders 26, Ravens 23

The Ravens lost by a toe last week at Kansas City. They will be out for blood in their home opener. Luckily, the pipsqueak entering their arena is just the remedy: a Raiders team that can’t score points to save their lives. Despite seemingly everything being in their favor, the Ravens played down to their competition… at least for three quarters. They managed to pull away in the 4th, taking a 10-point lead. This is when Baltimore decided to exhibit their most dire trait of all… the choke. The Ravens proceeded to blow said 10-point lead. Gardner Minshew and the ground game working them as Baltimore gave up yards ad nauseum to give the Raiders both the lead and, eventually, the win. Glad to see their choking gene hasn’t gotten out of the system yet. Enjoy being 0-2.

 

Rams 10, Cardinals 41

Rams, allow me to introduce you to Marvin Harrison Jr. He will carve up your defense like a frog on a dissection tray as Midget Man throws dimes to him all game. Even your offense stopped producing to gape in awe at his performance. The Cardinals look good, but is this sustainable? That question will be answered soon. LA, you looked horrible, and the injuries don’t help you either. Figure it out.

 

Bengals 25, Chiefs 26

Look at this, the Bungles are bucking their early-season stereotype and have a late lead against the Kansas City Chiefs. Pat Pick Mablowmes made yet another appearance today, throwing 2 interceptions and furthering his case for the most overrated quarterback in the league. Down by 2, the Chiefs are down to a 4th and 16 from their own 45-yard line. This is where the Chiefs’ MVP over the past few years comes back to help them: zebras. Despite the pass landing incomplete, the refs called a pass interference penalty on Cincinnati. Here’s my take on that call: game-changing penalties like that one on a 4th and 16 shouldn’t be called unless they are clear, egregious penalties. This one was borderline at best, and they shouldn’t have called it in that situation. They were both going for the ball; the contact was incidental and didn’t restrict either receiver’s arms. In addition, the ref that called it waited for the pass to fall incomplete before he even reached for his flag! That flag put the Chiefs into field goal range for Harrison Butker to end the game. Cincinnati gets royally screwed over on their way to their 3rd 0-2 start in as many years. Stuff like this is why some people believe the league is rigged. Embarrassing.

For further analysis, we go to a smug bandwagon Chiefs fan: Henry Kress ‘26.

“I love the refs. Pat Mahomes is the GOAT.” – Henry Kress ‘25

 

Steelers 13, Broncos 6

We need a special guest to break it down for such a special game. We go now to a corresponding Yinzer and 2024 Northwood graduate: Sam Rudy.

“What a boring game. Steelers vs. Steelers, refs and Broncos. I thought the Steelers played a decent first half. They had a lights-out defense, were moving the ball offensively, and finally had a few plays that showed some sparks. I think they fell asleep in the second half, along with the Broncos finally starting to step up. Bo Nix is not the Broncos’ solution. He turns the ball over too much, although he does show some speed and playmaking ability. All in all, the Steelers got the job done, but this game should have been at least 28-6.” -Sam Rudy ‘24

 

Bears 13, Texans 19

Two young quarterbacks each making their first career appearances on Sunday Night Football. The stage was set for a spectacle. We did indeed get a spectacle- from the defenses. Despite Stroud and Williams playing very good football for stretches throughout the game, the defenses stole the show on numerous occasions by stuffing everything in sight. In the end, the Texans did just enough on offense to win, while the Bears couldn’t get anything going until the 2nd half. Houston, you’ve looked incredibly sloppy so far, but you’re 2-0 and seem to be in control of your division. Keep it going.

 

Falcons 22, Eagles 21

Kirk Cousins in primetime: it’s a narrative like no other. Despite Cousins doing typical Cousins things early in the game, the Eagles played heinously down to their competition, keeping Atlanta in the game for way too long. The Falcons even had a lead deep into the 2nd half due to the Eagles’ defense forgetting how to tackle yet again. It’s fine, though: Philadelphia was able to tush push their way into the end zone to take a 3-point lead. Better yet, they stuffed the Falcons on 4th down and are driving into the red zone and can knee the ball out to end the game with another first down. They are down to a 3rd and 3- and then Saquon drops a routine screen pass. Cue the field goal to increase the lead to 6. Kirk Cousins has a history of sucking in primetime, particularly on Monday Night Football. Philly is even a team over .500, so double the curse on Cousins. This kind of situation for him is usually filled with pain and misery for the fans whatever team he is on. You would be correct, that drive did lead to pain and misery- for Eagles fans. Perc Thuggins methodically picks their defense apart as Drake London has his first signature game with several key catches. The Falcons take a 1-point lead, followed by a Hurts interception to close it out. Eagles, you had the division in the palm of your hands, and you let it slip away. Remember this one if you end up as a wildcard in January.

 

Laughingstock of the Week

And now, esteemed ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the Laughingstock-of-the-week. This week didn’t feature much in the NFL, but definitely did in the college ranks. This week’s Laughingstock is Northwestern State, for their travesty of a game against Southern Alabama. They got blown out of the water 87-10. It got so bad that both coaches met after the 3rd quarter and agreed to play a 6 minute 4th in order to end the game quicker. That’s the closest thing to a mercy rule you can get in College Football, and it just happened to these guys. Contract the program.

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NFL: Week 1 Recap

September 14, 2024 by

You may have noticed I didn’t do a season preview this year. Don’t worry; the recaps are back with a fury, and we have another exhilarating year of NFL ball ahead of us. Let’s go over the opening week’s festivities.

 

Ravens 20, Chiefs 27

In keeping with past tradition, the first game was full of sloppy play and teams still settling into their respective games. In the case of the Chiefs, however, they didn’t skip a beat on offense. Despite a stout ravens D, the Chiefs were always one step ahead due to their rookie Xavier Worthy showing the rest of the league why it was a mistake to let KC draft him. However, Baltimore wasn’t a pushover, either. Despite committing about 56 penalties, they set themselves up for a game-tying final drive. They are down to the 10-yard line for the final play and even score a touchdown to Isaiah Likely. Nope, wait, scratch that. His toe was on the line as Likely decided to imitate Kevin Durant against the Bucks. Game over, Chiefs win. Maybe Lamar could’ve hit his open receivers earlier in the series instead of having to go for broke on the game’s final play.

 

Packers 29, Eagles 34

The NFL has come to Brazil. Featuring two green teams. In a neighborhood where green is a rival gang color. On a field that would put Super Bowl 57 to shame. Yup, this sounds like yet another excellent job by the Shield. The game itself mirrored such conditions. The game started out slow and sloppy but then developed into a total slugfest where neither team could stop the run or throw the ball down the field. The Eagles were starting to pull ahead in the 4th with a 5-point lead, but Green Bay had the ball back with a chance at a miracle hail Mary. And then Jordan Love gets injured. Malik Willis gets thrown to the wolves on the final play of the game and predictable events play out. Eagles win. Packers, good game, but I would be more concerned about the injuries. Jordan Love will be out for 4-6 weeks. Enjoy Malik Willis. Maybe you can revive him and increase his trade value come the deadline.

 

Panthers 10, Saints 47

Welcome to the Superdome, where Derek Carr’s remains will be ground up and used for a voodoo ritual on Bourbon Street. Panthers, allow me to give you a tour of the butchering line. First up is our esteemed hall of illusions, where the preseason optimism consumes you whole and you are lulled into a false sense of security. Next, welcome to our specialty dissection table, where Carr picks apart your awful defense for a career day. 47 points worth of it. Finally, great fears will be presented to you in our mirror of reality. That being, Bryce Young is stunted in development, and Carolina is ruining him. What, kill you? We just started having fun! Just wait till we break out the game tape from last year! Panthers, it’s going to be a long year. I would recommend Seppuku.

 

Vikings 28, Giants 6

Who knew that reviving Sam Darnold’s career was returning him to where it all fell apart? Although, to be fair, the Giants defense has developed a habit of making opposing quarterbacks look good. Darnold was just that today, skying the ball for over 200 yards and building his case for a starting job in this league in J.J. McCarthy’s absence. You would think the G-men would respond to this, but then you realize they have the 160 million-dollar man Danny Derps throwing the football. He was exposed in kind as Giants fans left their home opener in droves during the 3rd quarter. I understand. I wouldn’t want to be in New Jersey, either. Time to sharpen that guillotine. Daboll and Schoen, prepare to face the tribunal.

 

Patriots 16, Bengals 10

Leave it to the Bungles to take a gift situation and completely fumble the bag. Cleveland and Baltimore lost, allowing them to gain precious ground in the division race. They failed. Miserably. The game was a microcosm of such a situation. Blown opportunity after blown opportunity, the headliner of which was the tight end running for an easy touchdown and then Bungling the ball at the 1-yard line for a turnover. The defense was similarly stagnant. Backup Brisket wasn’t even that impressive; he just handed it to Rhamondre Stevenson every play and he would run away for a 20-yard gain. Just awful, awful stuff to give the Pats life in their season. The fortunate thing for the Bungles is that this kind of slow start happens to them every year. In a vacuum I wouldn’t be worried, but with that pathetic display? That’s concerning.

 

Steelers 18, Falcons 10

Is Arthur Smith still coaching the Falcons? Because there’s no other explanation for how they underutilized their vast array of talent on offense yet again. Or maybe it’s just the Atlanta curse hitting them just like every other year. Perc Thuggins went off today in his Falcons debut. 150 yards for a touchdown and 2 picks. His best career talent has been his ability to fool teams into giving him the big bucks. Now we see why Atlanta drafted Penix so high. They know. Never mind all this, however, as the Steelers are somehow in sole possession of the AFC North on the back of the defense and Chris Boswell. What a time.

 

Texans 29, Colts 27

The last time these two met, it was with the AFC South title on the line in an excellent game. Today, both teams picked up right where they left off. A defensive struggle in the first half morphed into a shootout in the second, with CJ Stroud and Anthony Richardson skying the ball to receivers all game. However, much like last time, the Texans managed to pull away in the end, getting a stranglehold on both the clock and the game to escape with a win. Colts fans, don’t feel bad, though. At least you have Notre D-… oh wait. Hoosiers, look away.

 

Cardinals 28, Bills 34

I’m chalking this one up to game 1 rust. It looked scary for Buffalo in the 1st half with a 17-3 deficit at one point, but Josh Allen and the defense eventually woke up in the 2nd half to storm back and win the game… despite Arizona, of all teams, keeping it way too close for comfort. All I’m going to say right now is that Josh’s hand better not be an issue and they can’t play like they did this week in order to beat Miami on Thursday. For more detail on this playing down to competition, we go to a special correspondent on Northwood’s hockey team: Jacob Brunton.

“I missed my Sunday heart attacks. Josh Allen is my hero. He will save Buffalo.” -Jacob Brunton ‘25

 

Titans 17, Bears 24

With all the hype surrounding Da Bears this offseason, it was no surprise that they once again flopped right out of the gates. A 17-3 deficit at halftime was just what the doctor ordered to humble these guys. However, this is where the Bears’ defense woke up. They made Will Levis’s life a living hell, with Levis literally falling to his knees on a pick 6. Caleb Williams did next to nothing, but he will still get credit for a win that shouldn’t have even been close. Next week, you get the Texans. Have fun.

 

Jaguars 17, Dolphins 20

Tyreek Hill was briefly arrested outside the stadium before the game, which was captured in a video that went viral. Seemingly showing solidarity with him, the entire Dolphins team decided to arrest themselves and proceeded to do nothing the entire 1st half. 17-3 at halftime… then the Dolphins broke free, stormed back into the game, and won on a kick from Jason Sanders. Jags, good game, but collapsing like that in the 2nd half needs to be examined. Miami, though, looks like they haven’t ironed everything out yet. We’ll see on Thursday.

 

Broncos 20, Seahawks 26

Things looked dicey for the Seahawks in the early going. It was a defensive struggle in the first half and midway through the 3rd, Denver actually had a lead. It would not last. Seattle finally woke up on offense late in the game and started putting up points, despite Bo Nix’s attempted comeback. The Seahawks hold off the doubters for now, but will it last? Next week, they get the Patriots. They should be good training wheels for this offense to gain consistency.

 

Raiders 10, Chargers 22

Jim Harbaugh’s first game back in the NFL. I would argue that he shows no rust: he continues to make the Raiders his property. Ironically, this game played out a lot like most of Michigan’s over the past few years: The offense sputtered for 3 quarters and the Chargers stayed in the game due to sheer defensive will. Midway through the 3rd quarter, LA only had 4 first downs, but their defense did just enough to keep them in it in time for the offense to pull away in the 4th due to high-end talent. The raiders are weird to me. Their defense is pretty good, but if their offense keeps doing… well, that, it’ll be a long year for the Silver and Black. Can’t say it won’t be entertaining, though.

 

Cowboys 33, Browns 17

Remember how much laughter was had throughout the Prescott contract situation? Well, Jerry decided to end that saga before the game by drowning Dak in gold bars. Prescott is a Cowboy for 4 years to the tune of $60 million per year. That’s lavish. Dak seemingly decided to celebrate by flashing his tremendous upside outside of January. That allegedly strong Browns defense, apart from the game’s first series, got picked apart. Enough about Dallas, though. It’s time for the main event: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge!

 

Watson’s saga with his 66 allegations is well known at this point. It is my belief that every team should perform vigilante justice by whacking him at least once a game in the form of a roughing the passer penalty. Today, Dirtbag took a beating in a dominant effort by the Cowboys defense. In the season opener, Dirtbag threw 2 picks, was sacked 6 times and laid out another 11 times for a total of 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. This doesn’t even consider the 4th downs where he missed open receivers. We will continue to track Dirtbag’s vigilante justice tally throughout the season as he gets what he deserves behind that awful offensive line and makes his case for the worst contract in the league. No one feels bad for him. Next week, they face the Jags. Have fun with their stout defense, Deshaun.

 

Commanders 20, Buccaneers 37

Today, we saw why Tampa Bay is still considered the favorite for the NFC South. Mayfield had a pretty good game today, and the defense did enough when it mattered as the Bucs cruised to victory in their home opener. This comes with a massive asterisk that this was against the Commies and not a real team, but take what you can and run. Even if they are revealed as fraudulent, they should only need 8 to 9 wins to take their joke of a division. Commies, your youth is exciting, but this is probably your tank year. Surround Daniels with more elite talent through the draft.

 

Rams 20, Lions 26 (Final/OT)

We hold this truth to be self-evident: Whenever the Rams and Lions face each other, it will be a quality game of football where it’s unfortunate that one team has to lose. Both teams showcased their incredible talents in this game- the first half showcasing the defensive prowess, while the second half exhibited the offenses. Unfortunately, though, what killed the Rams once again was their red zone offense. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before. A critical drive to the 1-yard line early in the 3rd quarter was undone by a collection of penalties and Detroit’s defense. Yes, the Rams took the lead late, but the Lions were able to tie the game easily. And then they ran it down the throat of LA’s exhausted defense to win on the opening drive of overtime. Here’s an idea, LA. Block Aidan Hutchinson next time. Your total inability to stop him was what cost you this game.

 

Jets 19, 49ers 32

Even in a year where narratives seem to be turning onto their heads, there’s always one crutch we can rely on for a quick laugh: The Jets. Look at how their fans are celebrating finally having a quarterback. There was one problem. Their vaunted defense decided to perform magic and disappear on the field. Despite some hiccups in the early going, San Francisco had their way with them all game. As for the Jets offense, they have Aaron Rodgers. You would think this is a positive, until you realize that he is affected by a voodoo curse whenever he faces San Francisco. New Jersey was completely destroyed. Niner fans were getting up and leaving with 6 minutes left. It was that bad. Jets, this is what we call getting humbled. Have a nice helping of it before your cakewalk schedule over the next few weeks. Beat a real team and then we’ll talk.

 

Laughingstock of the Week

Don’t even think for a second that I forgot about this. This week’s Laughingstock is the one and only Dirtbag, not for his disastrous performance on Sunday but for immediately after it. Yet another woman has come forward, accusing Dirtbag of sexual misconduct and battery on a date. Make it 67 allegations for Dirtbag. If this goes forward, not only will Dirtbag be dragged into yet another legal mess (deservedly so), but the Browns could also void his contract with cause, provided sufficient evidence of misconduct comes to light. He could get what he deserves after all, which I would be happy about even though it would bring the Whack-a-Dirtbag challenge to a preeminent close. Please throw him out of the league, Goodell.

All of Gus Garvey’s NFL recaps can be found here.

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NHL: The Arizona Coyotes Saga (Part 1)

April 15, 2024 by

The Coyotes. Whenever something gets said about them, the collective reception amongst the NHL community is, “God, what did they do this time?” The Coyotes are in yet another state of flux, with their move to Utah all but confirmed for the upcoming season. While the NHL is adamant about framing the fanbase as the part of the machine that was at fault, everyone knows that is not the case. To understand what’s going on, we need to examine the Coyotes as a franchise, all the way back to when they first moved to the Valley. This article will be done in two parts. The first will cover the history of the Coyotes up until their move to Mullett and the Tempe vote, and the second will cover the current saga.

The Coyotes were moved to Phoenix from Winnipeg in 1996 to capitalize on a population boom in Arizona and a stable American dollar. In an effort to endear themselves to the locals, the Coyotes loaded up for the first few years of their time in Phoenix. In addition to guys like Jeremy Roenick and young star Shane Doan, the Yotes brought in Keith Tkachuk, Rick Tocchet, and the Bulinwall. They made the playoffs in their first two seasons but failed to advance past the first round in either of those years. In their first year, they lost in 7 games to a fellow expansion team, the Ducks. The next, they were quickly dispatched in 6 by the Red Wing machine. Former partner Richard Burke bought out owner Steven Gluckstern that offseason as Burke attempted to alleviate some of the Coyotes’ financial woes. It didn’t work.

The next year, the Yotes would make the playoffs but blew a 3-1 series lead to the Blues, with Pierre Turgeon burying the dagger in game 7. The following season, they got run over by the Avs in 5 games. Even worse, in the 2000-01 season, they missed the playoffs for the first time while in Phoenix. Richard Burke was also selling the team that offseason. Meet your new executive branch, Coyote fans! Local developer Steve Ellman… with Wayne Gretzky as an executive. It’s truly a sign of franchise competence.

Despite having a franchise-best 95-point season the following year, they would still bow out to the Sharks in 5 games. The following year, they would fall apart and miss the playoffs entirely. Most of their star players besides Shane Doan are now gone. Even worse, the first of many arena issues had surfaced for the Coyotes. Their original home in Phoenix, despite being new by the standards of the ‘90s, had been built for the Phoenix Suns with just basketball in mind. This meant that the Coyotes had to play with a reduced capacity, only about 16,000 people, due to horrible sightlines from the compactness of the building. It was so bad that part of the upper deck hung over the end of the ice, so fans sitting there couldn’t see a third of the ice surface, including one of the goals. New management tried and failed to push renovation measures through, whereupon Ellman finally gave up and settled on a state grant in Glendale for their new arena.

Wayne Gretzky behind the Coyote bench in 2005. Photo: AP/Paul Connors.

The new arena didn’t help them out one bit. As the team got worse, attendance began to fall. Even worse, the Coyotes were losing money at an alarming rate. It got so bad that Ellman sold the team to Jerry Moyes. It’s time for executive Gretzky to come in and save the day. Getting rid of Rick Bowness as head coach after his previous struggles that year was somewhat predictable, but his next move was genius. Meet the new Coyotes head coach, Wayne Gretzky! In fact, it got even worse. Two days before Gretzky named himself bench boss, NHL legend Brett Hull was signed by the Coyotes for one last swan song before retirement. Brett is the son of Bobby Hull, a player from the franchise’s time in Winnipeg and one of the few players whose name is in the rafters in Arizona, with #9 retired. The Coyotes promptly unretired the #9 and gave it to Brett Hull. A week after Gretzky took on the head coaching role, Hull would unexpectedly retire. Congrats, Arizona; you successfully alienated not only one of your all-time greats but also somehow their bloodline. Gretzky’s tenure would last until the 2008-09 season. Despite the team being on an upswing at the end of his tenure, the team played in front of tumbleweeds and crickets for most of his time there, missing the playoffs in his four seasons as the team descended into even more financial incompetence. Despite the league, and Gary Bettman in particular, trying to cover it up, the team lost over $40 million annually. It was time for the NHL to step in and save this disaster in the desert. When Moyes attempted to sell the team, he intended to sell it to Canadian Jim Balsille, who intended to immediately move the team to Hamilton, Ontario. When the NHL learned about this plan, they stripped Moyes of ownership and took over the Coyotes in 2009.

On the ice, the Yotes did better than in previous seasons. Under new head coach Dave Tippitt, they would make the playoffs in 2010 with the best season they had ever had and clinched home ice in the first round for the first time since 1985. They lost to the Red Wings in 7 games. They would make it back the following year but get swept by Detroit. 2012, though, was their breakout year. They won the Pacific division and clinched the 3-seed in the West. They beat Chicago in 6 games and then Nashville in 5 to make the Western Conference Finals. Only to lose to a Kings team riding on the power of friendship in 5 games. Don’t feel bad, though. The future looked bright.

The next lockout is ending, so what better opportunity for the NHL to sell off their most volatile asset to the highest bidder? The NHL’s search for a stable owner was finally ending. They sold the franchise to Renaissance Sports and Entertainment, led by George Gosbee, for $225 million. Likewise, the city of Glendale reached a 15-year agreement with the Yotes to keep them in the Phoenix area. They completely fell apart as the team hit the ice for the 2013 season. They would continue on their downward spiral in the next few years. During that time, they would rebrand as the Arizona Coyotes to attract the entire valley to their games. It doesn’t work. The fans continue to dress as red stadium seats for the games and the team loses even more money.

By the 2014-15 season, the organization was in panic mode. They were the worst team in the league by a country mile. Even worse, the city of Glendale voted to terminate their deal with the Coyotes, instead opting for a significantly shorter 2-year deal with the team. GM Don Maloney was kicked to the curb after the 2015-16 season ended in yet another disaster. Enter John Chayka, a 26-year-old wunderkind with no experience managing hockey but was more into asset management. He was also the youngest GM in NHL history. Surely this can’t go wrong, can it?

Chayka started his tenure as the Yotes GM by dragging them all the way down to the cap floor. His strategy was to build from the youth, acquiring draft picks by taking on dead contracts like Marian Hossa and Pavel Datsyuk. The team was predictably terrible that year, but the new developments were off the ice. That fall, the Yotes agreed to a deal with the city of Tempe and Arizona State University for a new arena. The arena would feature a full-size NHL rink for the Coyotes with an adjacent 4,000-seat stadium for ASU’s nascent men’s ice hockey program. The deal fell apart as ASU pulled out at the last minute. Go back to Glendale, Coyotes, do not pass go, do not collect an updated stadium.

After the 2016-17 season, Andrew Barroway, who had held a 51% stake in the team since 2015, bought out the rest of the ownership group to assume sole command of the Coyotes franchise. That season, the Coyotes would get better when Dave Tippitt was replaced by Rick Tocchet, but as 2018 rolled around, it was clear that there was still much work to do for Chayka. The 2019 season fared much better, but the Coyotes only missed the playoffs by 4 points. That offseason, Barroway sold the team to billionaire Alex Meruelo, who had built his fortune in the casino industry. Remember this later. It’s important.

The next year, the Coyotes would do better, bringing in players like Phil Kessel and Taylor Hall. They were on the upswing in the 2020 season and were in playoff position deep into February. You know what else happened in 2020? Covid. One of the industries hit hardest was the casinos. Most of Meruelo’s wealth was based on those casinos. The team began losing even more money as a result. The team would make the playoffs later in the year, beating Nashville in the qualifiers. Sure, they got their earth salted by Colorado the next round, but they won a series for the first time in almost a decade. Let them have their moment. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of the story in 2020. Far from it. Remember how Meruelo was cash-strapped due to the pandemic? Well, he was late paying players’ and coaches’ salaries in the 2020 bubble. The Yotes even had trouble paying for hotels. Don’t think it doesn’t get worse because it does. In the 2020 entry draft, the Coyotes had their eyes set on Mitchell Miller. He was talented, but he turned out to be a complete scumbag off the ice, abusing and tormenting a black disabled kid for years. Miller showed no remorse for his actions, yet the Coyotes drafted him anyway. To no one’s surprise, the NHL and the media intervened and pressured Chayka into letting him go almost immediately after the draft. Also surrounding that draft, the Coyotes broke several rules involving scouting of players. Like hosting illegal workouts of players during the interview process and eyeing their bodies. At this point, the NHL smelled a rat. That rat was Chayka. He would resign immediately after this news went public. The NHL punished the Coyotes hard, docking them a first- and second-round pick.

The Coyotes would miss the playoffs the following season and part ways with head coach Rick Tocchet. Andre Tourigny would take over as bench boss for the 2021-22 season.

The next year, the Coyotes were horrible yet again. Even worse, the Yotes were late making payments on rent for their new arena. The city of Glendale then unanimously voted to kick them out of their arena, leaving Arizona scrambling for a new home. Their new arena for the 2022-23 season? A 5,000-seat college rink belonging to Arizona State University and nowhere near NHL Standards: Mullet Arena.

So, this brings us to our current point in time. I think that’s enough Coyotes history to get a good idea of where the franchise is at this point in time. Terrible ownership, terrible executives, and terrible management by the NHL despite promising youth and quality players and coaches. Part 2 will cover the current situation and how the Coyotes’ history of horrible owners and management relates to the current saga.

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Northwood Basketball League: Elite 8 Recap

March 22, 2024 by

The Elite Eight round has come and gone, and the finals are starting to come into view. Four games. Four entries into the final four. Four eliminations. Let’s get it on.

Victor Cutting ’24 and Jacob Brunton’s ‘24 Cinderella run in this year’s NBL ended prematurely, with Will Schneid ’25 and Michael Peluso ’25 easily taking care of them in an 11-3 blowout. Schneid and Peluso now advance to the final four to face Ritter Coombs ’25 and Shane Tronoski ‘25.

Speaking of Ritter and Shane, they too took care of business in impressive fashion, with a 12-4 victory over Sam Lyne ‘24 and Hayden Newman ‘24. The self-proclaimed tournament favorites continue to advance, earning a berth in the final four.

The following evening, Pete Moore ’24 and Alexis Trudeau ’24 advanced with an 11-4 win over Gavin Carr ’25 and Sebastian Pribula ‘24, in what some are calling the worst game in NBL history due to the lack of effort on the part of all 4 players involved. “This is the stuff that kills leagues. These guys think they are too good to play, and it’s embarrassing,” said Peluso after the game. “ I hope someone gives it to them in the next round. I can’t deal with this any longer!”

The Elite 8 wrapped up with Parker Thompson ‘26 and Drew Donatello ‘25 catching an 11-1 beating at the hands of Parker Asbridge ’24 and Dr. Owen Flynn ‘24. This is what I like to call the learning experience year: Thompson and Donatello getting their licks from a far superior foe, and regrouping for a deep run next year.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, Sports

Northwood Basketball is Back

March 14, 2024 by

Daniel Buchbinder ’23 and Bjorn Lervick ’23, champions of the 2023 Northwood Basketball League.

As Northwood transitioned from a COVID lockdown, new traditions developed amongst the school community. One of those traditions is the now-annual Northwood March basketball tournament, held after the season between members of the boys’ hockey teams.

The tournament has steadily grown in both popularity and exposure over the last two school years, with a commissioner, custom uniforms, a physical trophy, and a live broadcast of the Final being introduced last March. The tournament operates on an NCAA March-Madness™ style, single-elimination bracket system. Each game is win-or-go-home. Games usually take place during open gym hours on weeknights and weekends and sometimes draw crowds of over 30 people crowding the gym’s squash-slash-hockey-shooting-slash-basketball court, where the games take place.

This year’s Commissioner is still Jack Kent, and the bracket is wide open, as last year’s defending champs, Daniel Buchbinder ‘23 and Bjorn Lervick ‘23, graduated and, regrettably, will not have the chance to defend their title. “It’s obviously tough,” said Buchbinder about not defending his title. “Nothing I can do. Hopefully, the league brings in some new talent.” Buchbinder commented on the experience of winning the championship last year: “It was pretty surreal. Just a well-run league. Definitely have to give a lot of credit to my teammate, Bjorn. We had great chem. We were doubted and called overrated the whole tournament. But who has a ring on their finger now? Shoutout to the fans and especially the Northwood dining hall staff for fueling Bjorn and me. We couldn’t have done it without the proper nutrition. I will always hold the NBL close to my heart,” Buchbinder added.

Only 12 of the players in the 2024 tournament participated in last year’s dance, a testament to the frequent turnover in the school, particularly in the hockey program. This isn’t to say there’s a lack of turnout for the tournament. Sixteen teams have signed on to participate in the tournament. Many of those new participants are underclassmen, ensuring that the tradition of Northwood Basketball continues on next year.

Alexis Trudeau ’24, a player in his final year at Northwood, participated in the league in all three seasons. “We see it grow, and it’s becoming a tradition. Kids are gonna be doing it 20 years from now, and it’ll probably be the 24th edition,” Trudeau said. “It’s so much fun when the boys rally in March to play basketball. I’ve been part of it all three years, so it’s pretty cool. I’m with Pete Moore this year. Tall guy, skilled, can shoot. A 6’5” guy that can shoot, he’s the only guy,” added Trudeau with confidence.

See games live and in person most weeknights and weekends in the fitness center.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, Top Story

Humans of Northwood: Olivia Levesque ‘24

March 12, 2024 by

“I heard about Northwood through friends already on the ski team here. They told me they liked it, that the boarding school vibe was my type, and that they liked how the team moves to many East Coast races. I knew the school would be a new lifestyle compared to what I had back home.

“Honestly, the [work balance] is much easier here because you get to train and not miss school on the same day. It can get hard in the long run, but in the end, it’s a lot easier to manage than just missing school all the time. I still miss school for ski trips and stuff, but I manage it by talking to my teachers before and talking to them while I’m there if I have questions or anything. Usually, I’m good at keeping up with stuff because I’ll focus on math for a day or two and then switch to English for another day or two. The teachers here are understanding: if they know I’m not ready for a quiz, they’re not gonna make me take it because they’d much rather have me understand the material than just me guessing on everything. They know that I put work into what I do, and they understand if I’m late on homework because I’m trying to understand it more because I missed the material. They’re understanding.

“[When I first came to Northwood], I missed my friends a lot. I missed my family too, but at the same time, it was overwhelming, meeting 200 new people and getting to know everyone, so that’s all I could think about. I was just excited to make friends and meet new people. I missed home but was excited for the two years to come because I liked it. The first two weeks were really fun, because we would go out to the [Northwood] beach, and it was still warm outside. It was a good first month. There was a lot of entertainment everywhere and a lot of new things to do, so I didn’t miss home that much. Obviously, it gets harder during the winter, but it’s never really been that hard for me [to be away from home].

“Honestly, [I’m looking forward to] good times with friends. Last year, last couple of months, just trying to have a good time before graduation. Trying to appreciate everything around me because even something like walking to town, I know I’m going to miss. So doing that, and other stuff too.

“Obviously, the ski camps will be fun [to look back on]. A big part of the Northwood experience is traveling with the people you go to school with. Spring is fun, just because you get to spend it with your friends. Like we work out all the time, and hang out a lot. Every season has its benefit- skiing in the winter is obviously fun. In the fall you get to start working out with the team, and sort of find Northwood again after the summer.”

As told to Gus Garvey ’25. Photo by Mr. Michael Aldridge.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, People

Humans of Northwood: Alexis Trudeau ‘24

March 12, 2024 by

“My brother attended [Northwood] between 2019 and 2020, so I heard about Northwood through him. He loved it.

“When I came here three years ago, I was completely French. I had some English classes in high school in Quebec, and I had my basics down, but going to a foreign country to study and adapting to school was hard. I wouldn’t say I had the best grades my first year, but [Mr.] Runyon would adapt my papers because my English was terrible, and he’d adapt my grades since I didn’t know English.

“I kinda like being isolated. We’re not allowed to use our cars here, so we have to walk into town, and there are only 200 students here. And it’s not like a day school, where you just come in and go out. You get to bond with everyone here. It’s a different kind of experience, which I love.

“My highlight [of the Northwood experience] has to be the bonding between the students that you don’t get at other prep schools. I’ve heard from kids at other prep schools that the school’s super boring, but here, we’ve got activities for the entire school to do that to bring the school together. The highlight of my three years here is probably the friends and the brothers that I’ve made. I still talk to kids from my 1st year and last year that I consider my brothers.

“I enjoy formal dinners a lot, but my highlight from all my years has to be Winter Carnival. It’s just such a great day, like even this year, I’m not the best with names and knowing kids, apart from my hockey friends, but every single year, there’s this one guy [through Carnival] that I learn about and talk to and make friends with. Just a super nice bonding activity, with the four peaks and stuff like that. I enjoy that a lot.

“[I’ll remember Northwood for] probably my hockey career here. Like I said earlier, I have so much fun playing hockey here. I’ve made friends for life. I’ve had the best coaches I’ve had in my life here. I’m going to miss it a lot. College and juniors are so different. Here, we have team breakfast; hop on the bus with your whole team, go practice, and come back. Yeah, hockey’s probably my highlight.”

“I’m looking forward to having a good time and enjoying the last three months. I was touring a French family a couple of weeks ago, and I was telling them how I’ve enjoyed every single night I’ve spent here. I’ve been here three years, and I know I’m going to miss this place, so I’m just trying to enjoy every moment, every dinner with my friends, every lunch, every breakfast, every game.

“I’m talking to a couple of colleges for D3 College Hockey. If I opt to go Juniors, I’ll probably play a year of juniors and then go D3, so it’s still a decision I must make. I’m looking forward to just enjoying my last four games. Last year, I didn’t know I was going to PG, so that last game was super emotional. I thought I wouldn’t wear the jersey again, so it was a super emotional game day for my family. Just knowing that this year is gonna be my last one, I’m giving these last four games all I have. I have no regrets about my career here.”

As told to Gus Garvey ’25. Photo by Mr. Michael Aldridge.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, People
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