A glorious game between two atrocities on Thursday Night Football. Yes, it’s a primetime TANK BOWL!
What a disaster of a game. Who thought it would be a good idea to give the Bears not one, not two, not three but four primetime games this year? This team is a joke. They’re fortunate in that they’re playing yet another disaster in Carolina or this game wouldn’t have even been close. I think this game will finally reveal Carolina to be the complete tire fire that they are. What a disaster. Bryce Young just got outplayed by a guy who was playing Division 2 a year ago. They have fallen to dead last in the league, and Frank Reich may be on the hot seat already.
Colts 10, Patriots 6
Whoever didn’t see this coming was delusional. Two bad teams flown halfway around the world and forced to play on a jet lagged sleep schedule. Of course, it was terrible. All the international games have been awful this year, but this one was special. Good old-fashioned hard-nosed football was the name of the game here. The Patriots ran 54 plays and 36 of them were rushes. Indy? At least they got a touchdown early? The rest of the game was just sheer ugliness. Hey look, here’s a late drive from Mac to win the game! Too bad, since he decided to imitate Famous Jameis by throwing it directly to a Colts defender. This should have ended the game, but remember what team we’re dealing with. The Colts offense consists of a bunch of wet plywood. They failed to do anything with the ball. New England has it back at the 2 minute warning. It is here that a change is made. In comes the savior. Bailey Zappe. As he throws a pick into triple coverage on a fake spike. If that play isn’t emblematic of this Patriots’ season, I don’t know what is. Panic has set in as they fall to dead last in the AFC at 2-8. Even old Bill might be on the hot seat. How did this team beat Buffalo again?
Browns 33, Ravens 31
The opening salvo was fired on the first drive. Pick-six for the Ravens and Kyle Hamilton. This was going to be a spectacle. The Ravens have blown out teams far greater than Cleveland this season. The Browns were a mere bump on the road that needed to be overcome. It got dicey at times, but they were holding their own against a good defense with a 31-17 lead deep in the 4th quarter. Wouldn’t you know it, an old friend stopped by M&T to say hi. The Ravens proceeded to blow the game through a combination of turnovers and bad defense. Say what you will about Cleveland, but the Ravens choked again. This was a game the Browns had no business even competing in, but Baltimore not only kept them in it, they actively handed them the game? Even worse? Cleveland and Pittsburgh are now only a half-game back of 1st place. And they both have tiebreakers. That division you thought you had locked up? It just became a jungle again. All I’m going to say is that their game on Thursday against the Bungles is now a must-win.
Packers 19, Steelers 23
All I’m going to say is this: The Steelers are the most undeserving 6-3 team in NFL history. Once again, they were pitted against a mediocre opponent. Once again, they played down to their competition as the offense played lower than the Mariana Trench. Once again, it came down to their final play. Once again, the defense moved mountains in order to secure victory. While 6-3 is a good record, I have severe doubts about this team’s sustainability at the next level. Next week is a crucial game against Cleveland for possible AFC North supremacy. Get it done, Steelers. We’re all counting on you.
49ers 34, Jaguars 3
During the bye, the Niners reached down and acquired a potential generational talent at edge-rusher from Washington. Chase Young is now a 49er. Reunited with his former Buckeye teammate Nick Bosa, the two are looking for blood. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good team in Jacksonville, those two will wreak havoc on anything resembling a quarterback’s sanity. 5 sacks and under 60 rushing yards on the day, a truly dominant performance. Jacksonville is lucky in that the rest of their division excluding Houston is a dumpster fire. Speaking of Houston…
Texans 30, Bengals 27
If the last two weeks are any sign, CJ Stroud has a bright future in this league. With that system around him, plus DeMeco Ryans’s defense, the Texans have everything they need to turn him into a superstar. He’s already putting up borderline MVP numbers. This week, that kind of performance came against not a bad team like the Bucs, but a legit contender in the Bengals. The Texans D had their way with Cincy for most of the game, despite a late game comeback to tie the game. This was where Stroud proved how good he is by leading the Texans on a long field goal drive to seal the game. How does it feel to be the victim of another team’s legit statement win, Bungles? Does it feel bad? I think we both know the answer to that question.
Titans 6, Buccaneers 20
The Will Levis era might be over and it’s not even 3 games in yet. He had his first true “rookie” game in the NFL today. It happens, it’s when a quarterback looks completely lost against a stout D, the usual growing pains. Levis wasn’t completely awful, but he sure didn’t inspire that much confidence as Tampa cruised to victory. I don’t know what to think of the Bucs. Yes, their defense is solid, but their offense is flat at best. They have a shot at their division thanks to how bad it is, but I just don’t know if Mayfield can piece together some consistent efforts to accomplish that.
Saints 19, Vikings 27
We currently live in a world where Josh Dobbs looks better under center than most of the regular starters that played this week. He put together another dynamite performance against the Saints today. Don’t look now, but Minnesota is 6-4 having won 5 in a row. Next week is a critical game against a Broncos team looking better than ever. This will be Dobbs’s first true test against a real defense. I’m counting on him to get it done.
Lions 41, Chargers 38
This game says more about the Chargers than it does about Detroit. Despite Justin Herbert’s best efforts, they still couldn’t make a defensive stop to save their lives. When you drop 38 points on an opponent at home, you usually end up winning the game. Not these guys. As the weeks go by, I’m wondering more and more how Brandon Staley was seen as a defensive mastermind. This guy can’t scheme! How much was he carried by Aaron Donald? It’s getting to the point where it’s all but a given that they’ll fail! Detroit, here is your statement win. It comes with a side of laughing at all 13 Charger fans still bought into the team.
Falcons 23, Cardinals 25
Arthur Smith is a hack. This game proved it. Yet another game where they underutilize their best offensive weapons against a team without that great of a defense. Combine this with midget man Kyler Murray being out on the field and it leads to an embarrassing loss for Atlanta. Despite the new Call of Duty coming out, he still looked dialed, leading Arizona to a huge upset against a team desperately needing to win. Atlanta, if you weren’t in such a bad division, you’d be out of the playoffs by now. Get it together.
Giants 17, Cowboys 49
I will now list the positives for the Giants from this game: They scored points. That is all. The rest was the usual song and dance for the G-men. Tommy DeVito got thrown to the wolves and eaten alive all afternoon by the Cowboys defense. Their offense once again dominated all day, as Dallas cruised to a blowout victory. New York, it might be time to fire up the tanks once again.
Commanders 26, Seahawks 29
People might be surprised that Seattle let Washington hang around in this one for way too long. What they do not realize is that they’re the same tier of team. The problem with Washington is that they’re less consistent than their west coast counterpart, hence the worse record. Both quarterbacks were excellent today, but Geno Smith managed to pull it together in the second half and lead the Seahawks to victory over the Commies, keeping pace for the AFC West. Seattle isn’t a super bowl contender, not by any stretch of the imagination, but they’re much improved from last year. On the flip side, how is Ron Rivera still employed again?
Jets 12, Raiders 16
The reeling Raiders have found just the antidote to curing their woes: facing off against the Mistakes from East Rutherford at home. Last week, it was the Giants, and this week, the Jets. New York’s offense could get nothing going all night long as the Raiders did just enough to solve their defense and escape with a win. The sad part is that if the Jets had anything resembling a competent QB and offensive line, they’d be super bowl contenders. That defense is one of the best in football, yet their offense continues to let them down every single week. Raiders, welcome back to .500. I’m not even close to saying you deserve it, but props for turning your season around. You see that opponent you have next week? You folks would turn a lot of heads if you upset them. Good luck, Vegas. We’re all counting on you.
Broncos 24, Bills 22
I know I said I would separate this game if the Bills lost. I don’t have the energy to do it. We’ll keep this one short and simple, just like Buffalo’s offense did on most drives in this game by turning the ball over. 4 times to be exact. You might expect me to yell and rant about the coaching staff, but I won’t. They’ve finally taken action. Ken Dorsey has been fired. I repeat. Ken Dorsey has been axed. The Bills will no longer be doing their trademark draw plays from the 1 yard line. They’ll be doing them from the 5 yard line instead with Joe Brady as the interim coordinator. Promoting from within and learning nothing. Just bring in Payton Manning. Anything would be better than the guys we have right now.
Laughingstock of the Week
I think we all know who my pick would be if this was going to an NFL team this week. Unfortunately, events in the college ranks override this. This week’s laughingstock is the entire Texas A&M Football program. Specifically, in the events surrounding head coach Jimbo Fisher. It’s been a tough year for A&M, as they already have 4 losses and aren’t even ranked. The time has come for the board to clean house. Jimbo Fisher has been fired as head coach of Texas A&M. This is embarrassing for multiple reasons. First, when Fisher was hired, the board presented him with a blank plaque for a national championship. Fisher never won any noteworthy hardware while head coach. This is also going to hurt their wallets, too. The school still owes Fisher over $70 million as part of his buyout agreement. We can get into how ridiculous it is that state employees are getting paid $70 million later, but the bottom line is that this is a huge black eye on the A&M program. They’re at a point where they’re about to replace Vanderbilt as resident SEC doormat in a couple years. None of the top recruits are going to want to be Aggies, especially with the expansion of the Big 10 to include 4 very strong programs. I can’t say they don’t deserve it, though.