January has come and gone, so you know what that means! The Super Bowl is, at long last, upon us. Before we review the teams competing in the Big Game, let’s look at how everyone else did.
Cleveland Browns
The best defense their team has ever had, all for a wild card elimination on the road. Welcome back to the playoffs, Brownies, where even the blowouts are bigger in Texas. That vaunted defense got carved up by CJ Stroud all game long, and their recently revived offense under Joe Flacco couldn’t be found on a milk carton. The worst part is that this might have been their last shot since they’ll have several key free agents coming up this offseason. Good luck paying everybody. Quick show of hands: who feels bad for the Browns? No one? Makes sense.
Miami Dolphins
This season was one of the most Dolphins seasons in recent memory: Get your fans’ hopes up with a 9-3 swing, then gut-punch them by losing 4 of 6. They choked away the division at home to a weakened rival and got exiled to the NFL’s version of Siberia in Kansas City. Their team performance imitated almost every other game they played against a legit foe: Dead on arrival. The Dolphins just had no answer for the Chiefs’ defense. They were suffocating, relentless, and made Tua look like Bryce Young the way he was getting hung out to dry in the pocket. Thanks for playing, Miami! Here is your participation trophy.
Dallas Cowboys
This team just becomes the Packers’ property every January. It’s hilarious to watch every year. What’s this, Jerry? Are you keeping Mike McCarthy around? After that hideous performance? Also, someone give Dan Quinn a map straight to the land of “You’re fired!” That “Shutdown D” couldn’t stop a feather when it mattered. Whenever Jordan Love threw it downfield, a tight end would be wide open and wouldn’t be contacted for twenty yards. Their patchwork secondary of stat-padding ballhawks got exposed for what they are: Frauds. Get out of my sight.
Los Angeles Rams
This one is probably the most painful elimination of this Wild Card Round because the Rams did almost everything right. Both teams played their hearts out. The better team won this game. What it came down to in the end was execution. Even for their flaws, Detroit managed to convert their red zone possessions into touchdowns. The Rams fizzled out 3 times and were forced to kick field goals. Even with the loss, I wouldn’t feel too bad. They exceeded all expectations this year after a god-awful Super Bowl hangover and have some nice pieces lined up for further development. Puca Nacua is a stud. Surround him and Kupp with competent pieces, and you’ll be golden.
Pittsburgh Steelers
The Steelers forced themselves into perpetual mediocrity by stubbornly clinging to outdated principles. They’re locked into the same cycle of futility each year: They look okay in the beginning, they collapse in the middle, they have questions in the end despite extremely lucky wins, and then they get their rear ends handed to them by a real team in a Wild Card game on the road. This was no different. This year’s honorary curb stomper was the Buffalo Bills. Josh Allen took that defense and ran all over them all game long, exposing them for their flaws without TJ Watt. Mason Rudolph and the offense could only do so much as the Bills D was suffocating. It’ll be the same thing next year, too. Let’s see who they got as their new Offensive C— Arthur Smith?!? Yeah, you’re screwed.
Philadelphia Eagles
The 49ers broke them. There’s literally no other way you can explain it. When a team starts the year 10-1, you’d think they were a lock for the Super Bowl. Not these guys. May I present to you the glaring flaws of the Eagles organization? Their only quality wins were because MVS developed stone hands and the Bills’ defense reverted to January form. The defense is a mess. Matt Patricia’s “coordinating” has set them back possibly a couple of years. Jalen Hurts has regressed dramatically. He couldn’t complete a pass! The receivers couldn’t get separation! Sirianni had a bucket of popcorn dumped on him by a fan, and he still won’t assume responsibility! They are one of the biggest embarrassments of the playoffs by far. Be thankful Dallas did what they did or else you’d be getting flamed even more. Fly, Eagles, Fly? Straight into a window.
Houston Texans
This is one of those losses to feel proud of. Houston should receive nothing but praise for not only freeing themselves from a spin-cycle of futility and failure but winning a playoff game in dominant style. They may have come up short thanks to Baltimore’s suffocating defense, but CJ Stroud is a stud. He’s proven that much next year. The future is brighter than ever.
Green Bay Packers
Green Bay is in the Houston camp of NFL teams- next to no expectations this year, only to not only make the playoffs but win a playoff game. Once again, the Packers should be receiving nothing but praise from the NFL for upending Dallas in such a hilarious fashion. However, I must say one thing. Anders Carlson. Run as fast as you can out of the state of Wisconsin. The Cheeseheads want blood. Just stay in hiding until the Bucks choke in the playoffs, and then everyone will forget; you’ll be fine.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa is re-emerging into the upper echelon of teams in the league. Their pantsing of Philadelphia proved it. However, their offense skews hella fraudulent. Baker Mayfield has a good story, sure, but he needs more around him to truly succeed. And Tampa can’t provide that right now. Just draft well and insulate your quarterback better and you’ll be fine. And learn how to manage a game clock.
Buffalo Bills
No. No. Kansas City again? This was the best chance in this window for the Bills to do something and they once again came up short against their dreaded adversary. Both teams played good games with some mistakes and deserved to win. However, the Bills had a double-agent for a kicker in Tyler Bass. The better team won this game. Wide right haunts the other for eternity. Fellow Bills fans, we’ve got our successor to Scott Norwood. His kick was affected by the wind at the worst possible time. Always the bridesmaids, never the bride. No one circles the wagons of futility like the Buffalo Bills. God, this one hurts.
Baltimore Ravens
I knew they still had that choking gene in them. Despite everything they’ve accomplished this year, the key to defeating the Ravens was to let them beat themselves. It happened again here. The culprit for this loss was, well… everything. The offense committed so many turnovers you’d think they were running a bake sale, while their vaunted defense couldn’t stop a feather in the first quarter and allowed the Chiefs to walk all over them. Say what you want about the refs, but at the end of the day, the Ravens had no business winning this game. Take, for example, the story of Zay Flowers. A big catch, only to get flagged for taunting, and then coughed up the ball to the same guy he taunted. At the 1 yard line. Now that’s spineless. Their super bowl ambitions and their dignity? Nevermore. This isn’t even funny, it’s just sad.
Detroit Lions
You had them. YOU HAD THEM! You had the resident juggernaut of the NFC by the throat with a knife held to the jugular and couldn’t finish the job. A 17-point lead isn’t good enough for Dan Campbell; this is NFL blackjack, and he wants 21! He draws a 5 and busts. Giving the 49ers momentum. They predictably tied the game and then took the lead on, yes, a field goal. Looky here, Detroit! Here’s a chance for you to tie the game! It’s too bad since Dan Gamble struck again. Twist the knife even further with yet another 4th down stop in field goal range! San Francisco would put the game away. Lions, if you live by over-aggression, you’ll die by it, too. Just take it as a learning experience. You did very well this year. There’ll be more kneecaps to bite in the future. I’m kind of proud of Detroit, in a way.
The Killing fields are strewn with the blood and guts of the fallen. Let’s see who emerged from the rubble in the AFC.
Kansas City Chiefs
I know none of you want to hear about them anymore. I know they get glazed constantly in the media, but to understand why Kansas City is in the Super Bowl, the overused media talking points must be restated. No, this isn’t some grand scheme by the NFL to get Taylor Swift to the Super Bowl so she can endorse Joe Biden, which is the resident wild conspiracy being floated by MAGA supporters. Much to everyone’s chagrin, it’s instead a former juggernaut rounding back into form at just the right time. Leading the Chiefs’ offense is Patrick Mahomes, who needs no explanation. Downfield in the slot, his trusty tight end Travis Kelce. He also needs no introduction. However, the surrounding chorus is different this year. His wide receiver corps has dealt with… shall we say, adversity. They haven’t been the most reliable bunch but seem to be getting their act together at the right time. The headliners of this group are Mecole Hardman and Marquez Valdez-Scantling, both of whom have had their issues this year but have re-emerged to take the weight off Kelce. Add this to the benching of a certain handless clown who shall not be named, and you’ve got a wide receiver group currently playing their best football of the year. Also taking the load off Kelce is the Chiefs’ running game. It was run by-committee last year to mixed results, but a true bell cow back has emerged this year, a guy the Chiefs have been looking for since the Jamal Charles days: Isaiah Pacheco. Angry runs every time he touches the ball. He is complemented by the bruising power of Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and the speed and shiftiness of rookie Rashee Rice. Their offensive line is one of the best in the league, giving Mahomes the time he needs and creating huge holes in the running game. However, the offense is being talked about a bit too much, I feel. The real heroes of this Super Bowl run are the Chiefs’ defense. They’ve been lights out these playoffs. Guys like Chris Jones, George Karlaftis, and Nick Bolton anchor a solid front 7 that shuts down the run. A much-improved secondary features the likes of LaJarius Sneed, Justin Reid, and rookie sensation Trent McDuffie. On the special teams’ front, they’ve got a dynamite kicker in Harrison Butker. So, who’s standing in the way of a 3rd Chiefs super bowl in 5 years? Oh, they remember these guys.
San Francisco 49ers
Five years ago, the 49ers made it to the Super Bowl on the back of an explosive running game and a rock-solid defense. This year, the Niners made it back to the big game on the back of an explosive running game and an even stronger defense. This team is stacked. Their offense needs no explanation as to why it clicks. Brock Purdy is efficient and fills a desperately needed role in the Niners offense. When a lot of people call Purdy a “system QB”, they fail to understand that this “system” has had 4 different quarterbacks start games over 5 seasons. Purdy has been the best, by far, out of any of them. He is a calm, collected presence that has everything he needs put right in front of him, allowing him to make smart decisions in the pocket. Not to discount those at the skill positions, though. Their wide receivers are electric. Deebo Samuel and Brandon Aiyuk are the headliners, with guys like Jauan Jennings and the pride of Michigan in Ronnie Bell adding quality depth to the rotation. At running back, Christian McCaffrey needs no explanation, but a guy who has flown under the radar as both a running and receiving back is Elijah Mitchell. His role ensures that the running game isn’t solely reliant on McCaffrey, which is critical as McCaffrey has had injury issues in the past. Assisting in the short-range passing attack is the last great fullback in Kyle Juszczyk. But the real showpiece of this offense is the guy playing tight end. This is George Kittle. Half party clown and half tank, he is the great tertiary receiving option that the Niners have relied on over their championship window to win games on offense. Their offensive line is one of the best in the game, with Trent Williams anchoring it at left guard. Their defense, for lack of a better description, is stacked. Their defensive line oozes talent, with guys like Nick Bosa, Chase Young, and Arik Armstead making opposing quarterbacks’ lives a living hell. At linebacker, two Bonafide studs in Fred Warner and Dre Greenlaw, who have both made critical plays at the end of both playoff games for the Niners this year. Their secondary is the weakest of the lot with Talanoa Hufunga out for the season but is still buoyed up well by guys like Tashaun Gipson, Deommodore Lenoir, and former Chief Charvarius Ward. They’ve had kicking issues this postseason, however, and that’s what I’m most worried about. In his 4 years at Michigan, Jake Moody was money in nearly every clutch situation he was put in. It hasn’t translated to the NFL level quite yet. Several critical misses during the season, as well as a couple in these playoffs that had Niner fans calling for heads on spikes. Regardless, this is a good enough team that this game shouldn’t even come down to Moody having to make a kick. With that said, it’s time for predictions.
Super Bowl predictions
Contrary to what many believe, I think this will be a low-scoring affair. Both offenses have struggled more often than not this postseason and have had to rely on defensive splash plays or incompetent kickers in the case of KC in order to win games. That said, I’m picking the Niners. What this game will come down to is which defense puts their offense in the best field position off turnovers and splash plays, and I just think the Niners have what it takes to get it done. Don’t get me wrong, KC’s D is good, but they rely on stamina and physicality, and don’t have the splash play ability that the Niners have. I see this one ending in a 24-20 Niner victory.
