Patriots 3, Jets 24
What concerned me about New England in this game wasn’t the lack of offense, or the defense being picked apart, or every part of the team seemingly running out of magic pixie dust. What concerned me was the offensive line. Both quarterbacks the Pats threw in there today deserved hazard pay for their efforts. Every time I would look up at the screen while New England was on offense, I would see Brissett either running for his life or rolling around on the ground. That’s not a recipe for success. Patriots, are you ready to get beat up on by the rest of your division? Good, because this is what it’ll be for the other 5 games as well. Welcome back to the basement.
Giants 21, Browns 15
Giants, where has this been? They not only went into Cleveland and won but did it with a convincing effort on offense. Despite the Browns D being stout, Devin Singletary and Malik Nabers put this team on their back and carried them to their first win of the season. Are they truly turning a corner, or is this their trademark thing where they inexplicably beat a far superior team on the road early in the season? However, we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. Let’s talk about the Browns’ offense. You know what this means: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge. Dirtbag enters this week having taken 25 whacks and committed 2 turnovers. This Sunday was a special day for him. Dirtbag was sacked 8 times including a strip sack and hit an additional 17 times for a total of 25 whacks and 1 turnover- doubling his whack total for the year. This brings his season total to 50 whacks and 3 turnovers. Hopefully the Browns offensive line keeps doing its thing and transforming into turnstiles so that this number can continue to increase. Now watch them magically become competent when they put Famous Jameis under center.
Eagles 15, Saints 12
Things were looking scary for the Eagles in this one. Despite dominating New Orleans on paper, neutralizing their potent offense and outgaining them, they were still tethered to the Saints in score and were even down at the half. This was due to some very untimely turnovers and Sirinani not taking the points. Despite these setbacks, the Eagles were able to pull away in the end thanks to their new wrecking ball, Saquon Barkley, having a day and a very poor throw by Dere by Derek Carr under duress on the final drive. Philadelphia has saved their season, while in the case of the Saints? At least you played good situational football? I wouldn’t panic, it’s still early.
Texans 7, Vikings 34
Sam Darnold continues to torch the league with yet another outstanding performance against a legit opponent in the Texans. Darnold and the running game were dominant, and the defense did the rest as CJ Stroud could get nothing going all game long. Houston didn’t look good at all, but they have an excuse of running into the machine that is the new-age Purple People Eaters. Now if you had told me at the beginning of the year that Minnesota would be 3-0 and leading their division with the preseason they had, I’d have chucked you in a straightjacket.
Broncos 26, Buccaneers 7
The Broncos have been stout defensively in both of their losses so far. All they need is for Bo Nix to not play like putrid sheep dung and they will win. Wouldn’t you know it, Bo Nix had his first signature game. Slinging the ball around, being in complete command of his offense, and finally flashing the talent that had Oregon hang onto him for 2 years too long. Even Baker Mayfield had to stop in awe at his performance. The Broncos have life again and all it took was some semblance of an offense. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed.
Packers 30, Titans 14
The good news for Green Bay is that they’re playing the Titans. This means that all they have to do is maintain a pulse and they’ll be fine. They did that and more against a haphazard Tennessee outfit featuring Will Levis committing more boneheaded turnovers and making his case for biggest meme of the league. Even Malik Willis flashed some of his talent by skying the ball to Packer wideouts. Green Bay has escaped the death pit they were on the brink of when Jordan Love got hurt. The Titans have replaced them there with an 0-3 start. Will Levis, your days are numbered.
Bears 16, Colts 21
I was very close to making Matt Eberflus the Laughingstock of the Week for his ineptitude today, but I had already made up my mind on… another event. Let me add some context to what I’m talking about. The Bears have scored a touchdown to cut the lead to 5 with 2 minutes left. Matt Eberflus has a decision to make. He can either do an onside kick and try to get the ball back, or kick it deep and trust his incredibly suspect defense to stop a running back that they haven’t been able to all game. Choose wisely, Sir! He picked option 2, huh? You can probably guess what happens next. Jonathan Taylor gets 10 yards on the first play and the Colts win. When are the Bears going to fire this guy?
Chargers 10, Steelers 20
This game proved one thing: Even in the year 2024, you still don’t need a competent offense to win football games. Despite the Chargers controlling the game in the early going, Pittsburgh stayed alive due to sheer defensive will. Once Justin Fields woke up and started doing what he does best- running the ball- it was all over. Chargers, good game, but if Quinten Johnston is your most reliable target, you’re done. Get it figured out. A world where the Steelers are 3-0…
Dolphins 3, Seahawks 24
On paper, this looked like an interesting game in the 4PM window. Then, you realize the Dolphins are forced to start Skylar Thompson. Predictable events played out and Seattle cruised to victory on the back of a big day for D.K. Metcalf. The Dolphins are in big trouble unless they can get Tua back soon. I just hope they don’t bring him back too soon, if you get my drift. My best advice is to err on the side of caution, Miami.
Panthers 36, Raiders 22
Everything is going perfectly for the Panthers and their tanking ambitions. They look like one of the worst teams in the league through two weeks. They lack mastery of basic tenets of football, like tackling and blocking. They are going on the road to face a team coming off a huge upset and looking for more. They even benched former 1st overall pick Bryce Young for such a game. Everything is going according to pl– wait, no, Panthers, what are you doing, don’t walk away from the cliff! You’re supposed to tank the other way, TANK THE OTHER WAY!!! Why in god’s name is Andy Dalton slinging it around like he’s back in 2015? The Panthers went from Hades to Olympus in one week and all it took was a quarterback taller than 4 foot 2. Raiders, you’ve robbed us of the 0-17 dream. Go get lost at the casinos. All of you.
49ers 24, Rams 27
San Francisco and blowing 10 point leads in big games. Now where have I seen this before? The 49ers dominated the Rams for much of this game, but fell apart at the end. Up 7 with 3 minutes left, all they needed was a field goal to all but secure a win- and their kicker Jake Moody misses yet another field goal. Cue a quick drive by the Rams and a touchdown to tie the game. Now, the Niners have the ball back- and go 3 and out. One special teams gaffe later plus a pass interference penalty got the Rams into field goal range to end the game. Niners, congratulations. You’ve now lost two games you should have easily won on paper. Remember these if you’re a lower seed in January.
Lions 20, Cardinals 13
Detroit, here is an opportunity for you to bounce back after the offensive disaster last week against the Bucs. The Cardinals may be young and hungry, but they used up all their mana by blowing out the Rams last week. This means that all Detroit needs to do is not mess up and they’ll be fine. They controlled the game for the most part, despite midget man and the Cardinals’ defense’s best efforts. This is a good rebound for them before their showdown with Seattle next Monday. Arizona, at least you weren’t completely terrible.
Ravens 28, Cowboys 25
For the second week in a row, say it with me everyone! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!! Yet another week where they get embarrassed at home against a foe that wants nothing to do with their pomp and flash. Baltimore massacred the Cowboys so badly in the first half you’d think it was Custer’s Last Stand. A 28-6 lead in the 3rd quarter should do the trick. However, this is Baltimore that we’re talking about. If there’s one thing we’ve learned about them, it’s that the lead is never safe. Cue the inevitable comeback, just like every other Ravens game over the past few seasons. Dallas even got it to within 3 with 3 minutes left- and then the Cowboys defense decided to disappear on the field again and couldn’t stop a thing as Baltimore ran the clock out on them. The Ravens have saved their season with this win, but now face a tough test in Buffalo at home. As for Dallas? At least you have the Giants? That’s a positive.
Chiefs 22, Falcons 17
The Kansas City Chiefs in primetime against an inferior opponent. I have developed a checklist for how these games seem to play out. The Chiefs looking sluggish on both sides early on? Check. Their opponent jumping out to an early lead? Check. Their opponent going flat in the 2nd half and KC taking a sizable lead? Check. The Chiefs nearly blowing the game but getting bailed out by the refs? A lot of people thought this final box got ticked as well. Here’s my opinion: No, Atlanta didn’t get screwed. Yes, that play in the end zone on their penultimate drive should have been pass interference. However, the Falcons’ final drive was aided by bad calls and refball; the incompetence was equal opportunity. I would be more worried about their play calling in short-yardage situations. The Chiefs are obviously selling out against the run and stacking the line of scrimmage… so you run a jet-sweep on 4th and 1. On a drive where you’ve done nothing but screen passes and trickery. Are you sure Sarkesian isn’t still calling plays down there?
Jaguars 10, Bills 47
Buffalo is on a rampage right now. If the swaths of dead Cardinals and Dolphins left in their wake don’t convince you, just look at what they did to the Jags in primetime. It was a massacre. The Bills scored touchdowns on their first 5 drives. In the first half. They didn’t punt until their backup QB was in during garbage time. Damar Hamlin got an interception. Damar Hamlin. Buffalo humiliated the Jags straight into witness protection; it was that bad. Even Mac Jones got thrown to the wolves in garbage time to endure his share of the beating. Are you sure Trevor Lawrence is still the solution, Jacksonville? He’s turning into the blonde version of DJ Ukulele with how many throws he’s missing down the field. Buffalo thanks you for the free win.
Commanders 38, Bengals 33
Leave it to the Bungles to make a team I called a tank bowl contender a week ago look like a playoff team. While Washington was impressive and efficient, the real blame is on the Bungles’ haphazard defense. They couldn’t make a stop. Did the entire team just go get drunk all week after their collapse at Arrowhead last week? That’s the only thing I can think of. They couldn’t make a play to save their lives when it mattered, even giving up a hail mary-type throw in the final minutes to Terry McLaurin. The Bungles are now 0-3 and hovering over the pit of despair. At least you have the Panthers next week. You’re not gonna screw this up… right?
Laughingstock of the Week
This week takes us, yet again, to the college ranks. This week’s Laughingstock is everybody involved in the ending of the Baylor-Colorado game on Saturday night. Let’s start with some context. Shadeur Sanders and Colorado are coming off an embarrassing blowout loss at Nebraska, and so far, haven’t been able to bounce back at home against the Baylor Bears. Down 31-24 with seconds remaining, it is crunch time. Cue a hail mary attempt with 10 seconds left, a perfect throw from Shadeur… and then Will Sheppard drops an easy touchdown. Take two with 2 seconds left. Baylor even took a timeout to organize the defense. Colorado puts it up again… and gets the miracle touchdown with zeroes on the clock. Tie game. Cue overtime, where the Buffs make quick work of the exhausted Baylor D to take the lead. Now Baylor gets the ball back. Enter Dominic Richardson. He’s breaking for the end zone with the ball- but Travis Hunter strips him at the 1 and appears to win the game for Colorado. It’s okay, Richardson was just trying out for the Bungles, we understand. However, here’s the kicker. The crowd of totally legit lifelong CU fans proceeded to rush the field as the refs were reviewing the play; the game was not over. The refs had to clear off the field before announcing that the play stood. Colorado rushed the field again. You don’t know how much we needed CU to get humiliated again, Baylor. Get out of my sight.
