You may have noticed I didn’t do a season preview this year. Don’t worry; the recaps are back with a fury, and we have another exhilarating year of NFL ball ahead of us. Let’s go over the opening week’s festivities.
Ravens 20, Chiefs 27
In keeping with past tradition, the first game was full of sloppy play and teams still settling into their respective games. In the case of the Chiefs, however, they didn’t skip a beat on offense. Despite a stout ravens D, the Chiefs were always one step ahead due to their rookie Xavier Worthy showing the rest of the league why it was a mistake to let KC draft him. However, Baltimore wasn’t a pushover, either. Despite committing about 56 penalties, they set themselves up for a game-tying final drive. They are down to the 10-yard line for the final play and even score a touchdown to Isaiah Likely. Nope, wait, scratch that. His toe was on the line as Likely decided to imitate Kevin Durant against the Bucks. Game over, Chiefs win. Maybe Lamar could’ve hit his open receivers earlier in the series instead of having to go for broke on the game’s final play.
Packers 29, Eagles 34
The NFL has come to Brazil. Featuring two green teams. In a neighborhood where green is a rival gang color. On a field that would put Super Bowl 57 to shame. Yup, this sounds like yet another excellent job by the Shield. The game itself mirrored such conditions. The game started out slow and sloppy but then developed into a total slugfest where neither team could stop the run or throw the ball down the field. The Eagles were starting to pull ahead in the 4th with a 5-point lead, but Green Bay had the ball back with a chance at a miracle hail Mary. And then Jordan Love gets injured. Malik Willis gets thrown to the wolves on the final play of the game and predictable events play out. Eagles win. Packers, good game, but I would be more concerned about the injuries. Jordan Love will be out for 4-6 weeks. Enjoy Malik Willis. Maybe you can revive him and increase his trade value come the deadline.
Panthers 10, Saints 47
Welcome to the Superdome, where Derek Carr’s remains will be ground up and used for a voodoo ritual on Bourbon Street. Panthers, allow me to give you a tour of the butchering line. First up is our esteemed hall of illusions, where the preseason optimism consumes you whole and you are lulled into a false sense of security. Next, welcome to our specialty dissection table, where Carr picks apart your awful defense for a career day. 47 points worth of it. Finally, great fears will be presented to you in our mirror of reality. That being, Bryce Young is stunted in development, and Carolina is ruining him. What, kill you? We just started having fun! Just wait till we break out the game tape from last year! Panthers, it’s going to be a long year. I would recommend Seppuku.
Vikings 28, Giants 6
Who knew that reviving Sam Darnold’s career was returning him to where it all fell apart? Although, to be fair, the Giants defense has developed a habit of making opposing quarterbacks look good. Darnold was just that today, skying the ball for over 200 yards and building his case for a starting job in this league in J.J. McCarthy’s absence. You would think the G-men would respond to this, but then you realize they have the 160 million-dollar man Danny Derps throwing the football. He was exposed in kind as Giants fans left their home opener in droves during the 3rd quarter. I understand. I wouldn’t want to be in New Jersey, either. Time to sharpen that guillotine. Daboll and Schoen, prepare to face the tribunal.
Patriots 16, Bengals 10
Leave it to the Bungles to take a gift situation and completely fumble the bag. Cleveland and Baltimore lost, allowing them to gain precious ground in the division race. They failed. Miserably. The game was a microcosm of such a situation. Blown opportunity after blown opportunity, the headliner of which was the tight end running for an easy touchdown and then Bungling the ball at the 1-yard line for a turnover. The defense was similarly stagnant. Backup Brisket wasn’t even that impressive; he just handed it to Rhamondre Stevenson every play and he would run away for a 20-yard gain. Just awful, awful stuff to give the Pats life in their season. The fortunate thing for the Bungles is that this kind of slow start happens to them every year. In a vacuum I wouldn’t be worried, but with that pathetic display? That’s concerning.
Steelers 18, Falcons 10
Is Arthur Smith still coaching the Falcons? Because there’s no other explanation for how they underutilized their vast array of talent on offense yet again. Or maybe it’s just the Atlanta curse hitting them just like every other year. Perc Thuggins went off today in his Falcons debut. 150 yards for a touchdown and 2 picks. His best career talent has been his ability to fool teams into giving him the big bucks. Now we see why Atlanta drafted Penix so high. They know. Never mind all this, however, as the Steelers are somehow in sole possession of the AFC North on the back of the defense and Chris Boswell. What a time.
Texans 29, Colts 27
The last time these two met, it was with the AFC South title on the line in an excellent game. Today, both teams picked up right where they left off. A defensive struggle in the first half morphed into a shootout in the second, with CJ Stroud and Anthony Richardson skying the ball to receivers all game. However, much like last time, the Texans managed to pull away in the end, getting a stranglehold on both the clock and the game to escape with a win. Colts fans, don’t feel bad, though. At least you have Notre D-… oh wait. Hoosiers, look away.
Cardinals 28, Bills 34
I’m chalking this one up to game 1 rust. It looked scary for Buffalo in the 1st half with a 17-3 deficit at one point, but Josh Allen and the defense eventually woke up in the 2nd half to storm back and win the game… despite Arizona, of all teams, keeping it way too close for comfort. All I’m going to say right now is that Josh’s hand better not be an issue and they can’t play like they did this week in order to beat Miami on Thursday. For more detail on this playing down to competition, we go to a special correspondent on Northwood’s hockey team: Jacob Brunton.
“I missed my Sunday heart attacks. Josh Allen is my hero. He will save Buffalo.” -Jacob Brunton ‘25
Titans 17, Bears 24
With all the hype surrounding Da Bears this offseason, it was no surprise that they once again flopped right out of the gates. A 17-3 deficit at halftime was just what the doctor ordered to humble these guys. However, this is where the Bears’ defense woke up. They made Will Levis’s life a living hell, with Levis literally falling to his knees on a pick 6. Caleb Williams did next to nothing, but he will still get credit for a win that shouldn’t have even been close. Next week, you get the Texans. Have fun.
Jaguars 17, Dolphins 20
Tyreek Hill was briefly arrested outside the stadium before the game, which was captured in a video that went viral. Seemingly showing solidarity with him, the entire Dolphins team decided to arrest themselves and proceeded to do nothing the entire 1st half. 17-3 at halftime… then the Dolphins broke free, stormed back into the game, and won on a kick from Jason Sanders. Jags, good game, but collapsing like that in the 2nd half needs to be examined. Miami, though, looks like they haven’t ironed everything out yet. We’ll see on Thursday.
Broncos 20, Seahawks 26
Things looked dicey for the Seahawks in the early going. It was a defensive struggle in the first half and midway through the 3rd, Denver actually had a lead. It would not last. Seattle finally woke up on offense late in the game and started putting up points, despite Bo Nix’s attempted comeback. The Seahawks hold off the doubters for now, but will it last? Next week, they get the Patriots. They should be good training wheels for this offense to gain consistency.
Raiders 10, Chargers 22
Jim Harbaugh’s first game back in the NFL. I would argue that he shows no rust: he continues to make the Raiders his property. Ironically, this game played out a lot like most of Michigan’s over the past few years: The offense sputtered for 3 quarters and the Chargers stayed in the game due to sheer defensive will. Midway through the 3rd quarter, LA only had 4 first downs, but their defense did just enough to keep them in it in time for the offense to pull away in the 4th due to high-end talent. The raiders are weird to me. Their defense is pretty good, but if their offense keeps doing… well, that, it’ll be a long year for the Silver and Black. Can’t say it won’t be entertaining, though.
Cowboys 33, Browns 17
Remember how much laughter was had throughout the Prescott contract situation? Well, Jerry decided to end that saga before the game by drowning Dak in gold bars. Prescott is a Cowboy for 4 years to the tune of $60 million per year. That’s lavish. Dak seemingly decided to celebrate by flashing his tremendous upside outside of January. That allegedly strong Browns defense, apart from the game’s first series, got picked apart. Enough about Dallas, though. It’s time for the main event: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge!
Watson’s saga with his 66 allegations is well known at this point. It is my belief that every team should perform vigilante justice by whacking him at least once a game in the form of a roughing the passer penalty. Today, Dirtbag took a beating in a dominant effort by the Cowboys defense. In the season opener, Dirtbag threw 2 picks, was sacked 6 times and laid out another 11 times for a total of 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. This doesn’t even consider the 4th downs where he missed open receivers. We will continue to track Dirtbag’s vigilante justice tally throughout the season as he gets what he deserves behind that awful offensive line and makes his case for the worst contract in the league. No one feels bad for him. Next week, they face the Jags. Have fun with their stout defense, Deshaun.
Commanders 20, Buccaneers 37
Today, we saw why Tampa Bay is still considered the favorite for the NFC South. Mayfield had a pretty good game today, and the defense did enough when it mattered as the Bucs cruised to victory in their home opener. This comes with a massive asterisk that this was against the Commies and not a real team, but take what you can and run. Even if they are revealed as fraudulent, they should only need 8 to 9 wins to take their joke of a division. Commies, your youth is exciting, but this is probably your tank year. Surround Daniels with more elite talent through the draft.
Rams 20, Lions 26 (Final/OT)
We hold this truth to be self-evident: Whenever the Rams and Lions face each other, it will be a quality game of football where it’s unfortunate that one team has to lose. Both teams showcased their incredible talents in this game- the first half showcasing the defensive prowess, while the second half exhibited the offenses. Unfortunately, though, what killed the Rams once again was their red zone offense. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before. A critical drive to the 1-yard line early in the 3rd quarter was undone by a collection of penalties and Detroit’s defense. Yes, the Rams took the lead late, but the Lions were able to tie the game easily. And then they ran it down the throat of LA’s exhausted defense to win on the opening drive of overtime. Here’s an idea, LA. Block Aidan Hutchinson next time. Your total inability to stop him was what cost you this game.
Jets 19, 49ers 32
Even in a year where narratives seem to be turning onto their heads, there’s always one crutch we can rely on for a quick laugh: The Jets. Look at how their fans are celebrating finally having a quarterback. There was one problem. Their vaunted defense decided to perform magic and disappear on the field. Despite some hiccups in the early going, San Francisco had their way with them all game. As for the Jets offense, they have Aaron Rodgers. You would think this is a positive, until you realize that he is affected by a voodoo curse whenever he faces San Francisco. New Jersey was completely destroyed. Niner fans were getting up and leaving with 6 minutes left. It was that bad. Jets, this is what we call getting humbled. Have a nice helping of it before your cakewalk schedule over the next few weeks. Beat a real team and then we’ll talk.
Laughingstock of the Week
Don’t even think for a second that I forgot about this. This week’s Laughingstock is the one and only Dirtbag, not for his disastrous performance on Sunday but for immediately after it. Yet another woman has come forward, accusing Dirtbag of sexual misconduct and battery on a date. Make it 67 allegations for Dirtbag. If this goes forward, not only will Dirtbag be dragged into yet another legal mess (deservedly so), but the Browns could also void his contract with cause, provided sufficient evidence of misconduct comes to light. He could get what he deserves after all, which I would be happy about even though it would bring the Whack-a-Dirtbag challenge to a preeminent close. Please throw him out of the league, Goodell.
All of Gus Garvey’s NFL recaps can be found here.
