It’s finally October. This is the time of year when the contenders begin to separate themselves from the pretenders, and the competitors for the first overall pick begin to reveal themselves. Two such teams met Sunday for a critical match. The prologue to a long season of action surrounding the draft order. TANK BOWL!
Let’s start by doing a quick refresher on the rules of Tank Bowl. Contrary to any athletic ambition, the goal is to lose the game. A hollow win in this game would be horrible for draft position, as both these teams are horrible and would likely be very close in the Tank Bowl standings. However, losing this game would be highly beneficial to whomever was able to do it Caleb Williams is a fine quarterback prospect, certainly better than the dumpster fires under center for both these teams. Let’s introduce the contestants.
First, the Denver Broncos. The narrative this offseason was that the reason for their terrible season last year was horrible coaching from the Hack. This year, the veil has been lifted to reveal the Broncos as a bad team. This might be a worse Broncos team than the one fielded last year. That vaunted defense that destroyed worlds last year gave up 70 points to the Dolphins and got gashed by a 3rd string running back. They gave up 35 to the Commies. They gave up actual points to the Raiders. Even when Denver scores more than 16 points, they still can’t win since the defense has been horrible. As a result, they came into this game at 0-3. But will it be enough to fail harder than their opponent?
The Chicago Bears. We knew they would be horrible this year, but none of us expected this. Their fans talked a lot before the start of the season. Offseason champions, a burgeoning young quarterback, star power. This is the year, they all said. They are correct, this is indeed the year. Unfortunately, it’s the year that they will likely break records for ineptitude. They entered their home opener as favorites and were relegated to the Packers’ property once again. Then, they went down to Tampa and revealed their offense to be incompetent. The next week, their defense would be similarly exposed as Kansas City scored 34 on them. In the 1st half. Their season highlight so far is playing a game with Taylor Swift in attendance. Justin Fields has morphed from a promising young quarterback into pure refuse. Unable to read routes, blaming his coaching, and turning into a diet Lamar Jackson. Their defense defends about as well as stadium security during a College Football field rush. They cannot stop a feather. Even worse, their organization has fallen apart at the seams. Their defensive coordinator resigned under dubious conditions. FBI raids on said coordinator’s home and team facilities. And to cap it all off, Soldier Field was broken into and had over $100,000 worth of equipment stolen from its garage. Rumor has it the offensive line was on the scene for the robbery but couldn’t stop the thieves just like most of the pass rushers they’ve faced this season.
As the game began, the lack of equipment didn’t seem to be an issue. However, the Bears’ defense was as they were walked all over for a quick touchdown by the power of Chef Russ. Justin Fields took this as a challenge. He needs to prove to the Bears top brass that they do not need Caleb Williams over him. Selfishly trying to save his job and ruining their master-crafted tank. Fields would reign supreme in that first half, showing flashes of brilliance and picking apart that dumpster fire of a defense for a 21-7 halftime lead.
They would march down the field on the opening drive of the 3rd quarter and score yet another touchdown. The rout is on. However, this is where the Bears realized something. They realized that to win this game would be to lose. The point of Tank Bowl is to lose the game. Thus, they adjusted their tactics to allow Denver an opportunity to make it a game. And they did. Under the power of Chef Russ and an awful defense, the Broncos crept back to get within a score. However, they were still down by 7 with 5 minutes to go. And Chicago has the ball. This is where Justin Fields realizes the true goal and gifts the ball to the Broncos’ defense to run it back for a touchdown. Tie game. But there’s still a chance. Fields gets the ball back and begins marching down the field, but they’re down to a 4th and 1 at the Broncos’ 20-yard line with a minute to go. Kick the field goal and go up by 3? No. The true goal of this game is to tank. They will go for it on 4th down- and get stuffed because of a predictable play call. Now Denver will get the ball and learn from the Bears’ mistakes by not going for it on 4th down and taking the points. Now down by 3 in the 4th quarter, Justin Fields must pull more heroics. He does – to save the tank. An interception to seal the game. The Broncos win the game, but the Bears win the tank.
Denver still has serious questions to answer. For a team that was projected to contend this year, they are having trouble winning games and scoring points. Chicago, meanwhile, falls to 0-4. Only one other team shares the same record: the Carolina Panthers. They play each other in week 11 on Thursday Night Football, the official broadcast network of Tank Bowl. However, the Super Tank Bowl must wait as the Bears must gear up in a short week for a match against the Washington Commanders. Also on Thursday Night Football. I can’t wait to watch that game.
