Lions 34, Packers 20
I don’t know what to call this game other than a collective destruction of every Packer fan’s hopes and dreams. They were coming off a glorious comeback victory at Lambeau against the Saints, they had momentum. They even got an interception on the opening drive. That was the extent of their success in this game. The rest of the match commenced, and Detroit walked all over them for the next 55 minutes, granting the Packerena with the joys of locker room infighting and finger-pointing in the press conferences. Detroit has their best start to a season in 6 years, and the only real complaint about them is how they’re utilizing Jahmyr Gibbs. If they keep this up, they’ll make the playoffs. Now, watch them fall apart in the 2nd half of the season.
Falcons 7, Jaguars 23
Two up-and-coming franchises fighting for supremacy in this young season. It’s involving the Jaguars. What better setting for this match than in their home away from home in Wembley Stadium? Jacksonville utilized their home pitch advantage in this one to stomp all over the Falcons for the majority of the game. Their defense slammed the door for most of the game, and the offense did just enough to stave off another embarrassing loss. Next week, though, is the true test, as they will be welcoming yet another team to London in the Bills.
Rams 29, Colts 23 (OT)
This game was a tale of two halves for the Rams. In the first half, it was domination. The offense was rolling, the defense was standing tall, and the Rams were out to a 23-0 lead by the 3rd quarter. Should be over, right? Unfortunately, the art of the comeback in today’s NFL is all too common. In yet another game that wears the binding off the script, the Colts stormed back to make it a game and send it to overtime. This is where LA realized they had a game they needed to win and marched down the field on the opening drive of overtime to escape with a win they should have secured long before this. Rams, you got lucky. A real team would have taken out that pathetic excuse for a performance ten times over.
Ravens 28, Browns 3
It is with great joy that I announce that Dirtbag is injured and will not be playing in this game! His shoulder couldn’t get massaged in time for him to suit up. Thus, we get Dorian Thompson-Robinson under center. You know how this goes. Cleveland was unable to move a feather on offense today, and all Baltimore really needed to win was a couple of drives in the first half as the Ravens cruised to a win. Tough luck, Brownies. But hey, this good defensive player just hit the open market. I think he’s right up your alley, Cleveland. Do it, Haslam. Make us die of laughter yet again.
Vikings 21, Panthers 13
Minnesota looks horrible. It’s so bad I’m having trouble figuring out how they went 13-4 last year. Kirk looks awful, the defense is a leaky dam, and Justin Jefferson can’t carry the entire team like he did last season. This entire season so far is just a continuation of that Giants game. Sure, Minnesota may have escaped Carolina with a win in the end, but this was one that they should have won at least 5 times over before they ultimately did. Even worse for Carolina, though, Bryce Young is hurt. This is going to be a long year for you guys. 0-4 is a tough hole to climb out of.
Bengals 3, Titans 27
When everything is going crazy everywhere else, we at least have a reliable crutch that we can always laugh at…The Bungles. Look at them, escaping with a win at home against the Rams and thinking they’re hotshots again. Cincy owns the Titans, or so the narrative goes. This will be a cakewalk, they all said. Unfortunately, their team decided to turn the clock back about 5 years. Tennessee stomped all over them all game long. The Titans offense that got held to 94 total yards last week got over 400 today. Derrick Henry, who was held to 20 yards on 11 carries against the Brownies, rushed for over 100 today and even threw a touchdown. The Bungles are back to being a dumpster fire and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Good riddance.
Buccaneers 26, Saints 9
If Tampa Bay had a competent quarterback under center this year, they might have had a chance of being a good team. While the offense played dress-up as a football team for roughly the 4th time this year, the Bucs’ defense completely stuffed the Saints in the Superdome. As a result, Tampa Bay now goes to 3-1 against mostly garbage teams. Really, Tampa Bay? I figured it would be Atlanta or New Orleans winning.
Dolphins 20, Bills 48
What I expected was a blowout and what we got was a blowout. On the opposite side of the pendulum. Buffalo tied up Mike McDaniel and the Dolphins and proceeded to defecate on them from the highest perch they could find. The problem for Miami wasn’t their offense, even though it played less than optimal today against an injured opponent. Their offense could have done something of note if their dam break of a defense hadn’t gotten torched by Allen and the bills. They were literally unable to make a stop. 48 points given up to an offense that has struggled against good defenses thus far this year. As a Bills fan, I am thrilled over this win. They utterly dominated a supposed contender in one of the biggest offensive spectacles of the day. They are back to going to the Super Bowl in my eyes, and they are now tied for the best record in the AFC as well. All is well in the galaxy.
Broncos 31, Bears 28
This kind of spectacle does not deserve such attention. At least not right now. Two horrible teams doing battle. You know what this means. Yes, THE SEASON’S FIRST TANK BOWL!
And that’s it. Let’s just say this game requires something… greater. It needs its own article.
Commanders 31, Eagles 34 (OT)
Coming off their biggest loss in roughly a few years, Washington was looking to make a statement this week against Philadelphia, and they did. Unfortunately, this statement did not involve winning. Despite keeping it close and giving the Eagles scares at times, the Commies were unable to finish the job when it really mattered, despite a furious comeback in the 4th quarter to tie the game on the final play of regulation. Philadelphia goes to 4-0, but a pretty weak one. As for Washington- well, they tried. They certainly put themselves on the map as a legit foe. The good news for them is their next opponent is openly tanking. Should be fun.\
Steelers 6, Texans 30
I expected Houston would win this game, but not in the manner that we did. Folks, we witnessed Sunday afternoon a statement of legitimacy by the Texans that proved the skirmish against Jacksonville wasn’t just a fluke. Against a Steeler defense that has single-handedly won games as of late, CJ Stroud sliced and diced them all day long. Their own defense was able to lock it down, but to be fair, even the Broncos D could stop Kenny Pickett. The result is a dominant Houston win that raises them out of the basement of their division.
Raiders 17, Chargers 24
In a surprising turn of events, not even 4 weeks into the season, Jimmy Garoppolo has already been sidelined with an injury. I know this is a stunning revelation. In his stead, Josh McDaniels has elected to start their rookie in Aidan O’Connell. He did what everyone expected, looking raw and unready as the Raiders coaching staff chucked him to the wolves. Even with a spirited comeback in the 4th quarter and another patented Staley overthinking session, the Chargers managed to escape with an undeserved victory. They’re back to .500 now, but what happens when they must face real teams? Just hope their defense does a tad bit better than putrid.
You know what else is a stunning turn of events? Yet another Raiders player is arrested early in the season. This time, it’s Chandler Jones. Jones has been away from the team since August and has been sending cryptic messages over Instagram to Mark Davis and Josh McDaniels, among others, expressing his frustration with the team. But none of that beats out what happened this week when Jones was arrested for repeatedly violating restraining order violations. The Raiders had been looking for an excuse to part ways with him for a while now, and now they have it. Unsurprisingly, he has been cut from the team. Why do star players go to the Raiders and immediately become headcases? What a joke of an organization.
Cardinals 16, 49ers 35
You know that scene from Gladiator when a bunch of prisoners are chucked into the arena to face off against wild animals? That was this game. After last week’s upset, San Francisco completely annihilated any hope Cards fans may have had. Brock Purdy was incredibly efficient yet again, and the defense kept the Cardinals’ offense largely in check until garbage time. San Francisco looks like the class of the NFL right now, and I’m not sure anyone can beat them if they keep playing like this. Fortunately for the rest of us, though, their team will probably resemble an injury ward in a few weeks just like every other year for them.
Patriots 3, Cowboys 38
I’m going to start calling the Patriots the politically correct football team if they keep playing like this. Why? No offense whatsoever. Or maybe it’s just Dallas overmatching them in every conceivable way. For the second time in 4 weeks, the Cowboys’ defense scored more points and rushed for more yards than their opponent. It’s strange seeing the Patriots just look completely horrible and turn into absolute sheep dung against real teams. Even Belichick’s baby Mac Jones was benched for Bailey Zappe during garbage time to get further lorded over. What a joke.
Chiefs 23, Jets 20
This game said a lot more about the Jets than it did about Kansas City. This game was projected to be a slaughter. In the early part of the game, it looked like that would come to fruition. However, Kansas City ran into a wall it could not penetrate for most of the remaining time. That wall’s name was the Jets defense. It was sturdy, relentless, and forced two turnovers off Mahomes near halftime to get the Jets back into the game. They tied the game on an efficient drive from Zach Wilson and a 2-point conversion. This is his time to shine. He has a chance to prove himself to the country with a legacy drive for the ages. Mahomes even threw another pick late in the 4th quarter to give the Jets a chance. But wait, nope, there’s a catch because it’s the Jets, and there’s always a catch. There was a defensive holding penalty, despite certain arguments, which not only negated the interception but allowed the Chiefs to convert a 3rd and 20 and burn off the rest of the clock. Game over. Jets, good game. But they don’t award brownie points in the standings.
Seahawks 24, Giants 3
Hey, Giants, maybe paying $160 million to a quarterback who can’t elevate his team over your superstar running back wasn’t a great idea after all, huh? Said 9-figure quarterback was arguably the main reason why the Giants lost this game, throwing 2 interceptions, fumbling, and tossing yet another pick-six. Seattle waltzes to a free win, as the Giants are now in freefall having lost 3 of their first 4. Brian Daboll is visibly frustrated with Jones, and more players are starting to show frustration in the locker room as the team is a trainwreck so far.
Laughingstock of the Week
The laughingstock of the week is special this time around. It’s the Los Angeles Chargers. Not only for continuing to employ the bum that is Brandon Staley but also for their asset management. For context, during the 2021-22 offseason, the Chargers signed free agent cornerback J.C. Jackson to a 5-year, $82 million deal after some stellar years with the New England Patriots. LA’s redheaded stepchild failed to realize that J.C. Jackson would morph into burnt toast. Not fitting into Staley’s defensive scheme, getting cooked by top wide receivers, and being a healthy scratch not even a year and a half into his megadeal. He’s being flipped back to the Patriots for a swap of day 3 draft picks. As a result, the Chargers not only revealed themselves to be incompetent but have also thrown away the $25 million signing bonus and an additional $15 million of guaranteed money. This Chargers season is a Megabus and Spanos is driving it straight off Santa Monica Pier. What a pathetic organization.
