It’s finally October. This is the time of year when the contenders begin to separate themselves from the pretenders, and the competitors for the first overall pick begin to reveal themselves. Two such teams met Sunday for a critical match. The prologue to a long season of action surrounding the draft order. TANK BOWL!

Let’s start by doing a quick refresher on the rules of Tank Bowl. Contrary to any athletic ambition, the goal is to lose the game. A hollow win in this game would be horrible for draft position, as both these teams are horrible and would likely be very close in the Tank Bowl standings. However, losing this game would be highly beneficial to whomever was able to do it Caleb Williams is a fine quarterback prospect, certainly better than the dumpster fires under center for both these teams. Let’s introduce the contestants.

First, the Denver Broncos. The narrative this offseason was that the reason for their terrible season last year was horrible coaching from the Hack. This year, the veil has been lifted to reveal the Broncos as a bad team. This might be a worse Broncos team than the one fielded last year. That vaunted defense that destroyed worlds last year gave up 70 points to the Dolphins and got gashed by a 3rd string running back. They gave up 35 to the Commies. They gave up actual points to the Raiders. Even when Denver scores more than 16 points, they still can’t win since the defense has been horrible. As a result, they came into this game at 0-3. But will it be enough to fail harder than their opponent?

The Chicago Bears. We knew they would be horrible this year, but none of us expected this. Their fans talked a lot before the start of the season. Offseason champions, a burgeoning young quarterback, star power. This is the year, they all said. They are correct, this is indeed the year. Unfortunately, it’s the year that they will likely break records for ineptitude. They entered their home opener as favorites and were relegated to the Packers’ property once again. Then, they went down to Tampa and revealed their offense to be incompetent. The next week, their defense would be similarly exposed as Kansas City scored 34 on them. In the 1st half. Their season highlight so far is playing a game with Taylor Swift in attendance. Justin Fields has morphed from a promising young quarterback into pure refuse. Unable to read routes, blaming his coaching, and turning into a diet Lamar Jackson. Their defense defends about as well as stadium security during a College Football field rush. They cannot stop a feather. Even worse, their organization has fallen apart at the seams. Their defensive coordinator resigned under dubious conditions. FBI raids on said coordinator’s home and team facilities. And to cap it all off, Soldier Field was broken into and had over $100,000 worth of equipment stolen from its garage. Rumor has it the offensive line was on the scene for the robbery but couldn’t stop the thieves just like most of the pass rushers they’ve faced this season.

As the game began, the lack of equipment didn’t seem to be an issue. However, the Bears’ defense was as they were walked all over for a quick touchdown by the power of Chef Russ. Justin Fields took this as a challenge. He needs to prove to the Bears top brass that they do not need Caleb Williams over him. Selfishly trying to save his job and ruining their master-crafted tank. Fields would reign supreme in that first half, showing flashes of brilliance and picking apart that dumpster fire of a defense for a 21-7 halftime lead.

They would march down the field on the opening drive of the 3rd quarter and score yet another touchdown. The rout is on. However, this is where the Bears realized something. They realized that to win this game would be to lose. The point of Tank Bowl is to lose the game. Thus, they adjusted their tactics to allow Denver an opportunity to make it a game. And they did. Under the power of Chef Russ and an awful defense, the Broncos crept back to get within a score. However, they were still down by 7 with 5 minutes to go. And Chicago has the ball. This is where Justin Fields realizes the true goal and gifts the ball to the Broncos’ defense to run it back for a touchdown. Tie game. But there’s still a chance. Fields gets the ball back and begins marching down the field, but they’re down to a 4th and 1 at the Broncos’ 20-yard line with a minute to go. Kick the field goal and go up by 3? No. The true goal of this game is to tank. They will go for it on 4th down- and get stuffed because of a predictable play call. Now Denver will get the ball and learn from the Bears’ mistakes by not going for it on 4th down and taking the points. Now down by 3 in the 4th quarter, Justin Fields must pull more heroics. He does – to save the tank. An interception to seal the game. The Broncos win the game, but the Bears win the tank.

Denver still has serious questions to answer. For a team that was projected to contend this year, they are having trouble winning games and scoring points. Chicago, meanwhile, falls to 0-4. Only one other team shares the same record: the Carolina Panthers. They play each other in week 11 on Thursday Night Football, the official broadcast network of Tank Bowl. However, the Super Tank Bowl must wait as the Bears must gear up in a short week for a match against the Washington Commanders. Also on Thursday Night Football. I can’t wait to watch that game.

Lions 34, Packers 20

I don’t know what to call this game other than a collective destruction of every Packer fan’s hopes and dreams. They were coming off a glorious comeback victory at Lambeau against the Saints, they had momentum. They even got an interception on the opening drive. That was the extent of their success in this game. The rest of the match commenced, and Detroit walked all over them for the next 55 minutes, granting the Packerena with the joys of locker room infighting and finger-pointing in the press conferences. Detroit has their best start to a season in 6 years, and the only real complaint about them is how they’re utilizing Jahmyr Gibbs. If they keep this up, they’ll make the playoffs. Now, watch them fall apart in the 2nd half of the season.

Falcons 7, Jaguars 23

Two up-and-coming franchises fighting for supremacy in this young season. It’s involving the Jaguars. What better setting for this match than in their home away from home in Wembley Stadium? Jacksonville utilized their home pitch advantage in this one to stomp all over the Falcons for the majority of the game. Their defense slammed the door for most of the game, and the offense did just enough to stave off another embarrassing loss. Next week, though, is the true test, as they will be welcoming yet another team to London in the Bills.

Rams 29, Colts 23 (OT)

This game was a tale of two halves for the Rams. In the first half, it was domination. The offense was rolling, the defense was standing tall, and the Rams were out to a 23-0 lead by the 3rd quarter. Should be over, right? Unfortunately, the art of the comeback in today’s NFL is all too common. In yet another game that wears the binding off the script, the Colts stormed back to make it a game and send it to overtime. This is where LA realized they had a game they needed to win and marched down the field on the opening drive of overtime to escape with a win they should have secured long before this. Rams, you got lucky. A real team would have taken out that pathetic excuse for a performance ten times over.

Ravens 28, Browns 3

It is with great joy that I announce that Dirtbag is injured and will not be playing in this game! His shoulder couldn’t get massaged in time for him to suit up. Thus, we get Dorian Thompson-Robinson under center. You know how this goes. Cleveland was unable to move a feather on offense today, and all Baltimore really needed to win was a couple of drives in the first half as the Ravens cruised to a win. Tough luck, Brownies. But hey, this good defensive player just hit the open market. I think he’s right up your alley, Cleveland. Do it, Haslam. Make us die of laughter yet again.

Vikings 21, Panthers 13

Minnesota looks horrible. It’s so bad I’m having trouble figuring out how they went 13-4 last year. Kirk looks awful, the defense is a leaky dam, and Justin Jefferson can’t carry the entire team like he did last season. This entire season so far is just a continuation of that Giants game. Sure, Minnesota may have escaped Carolina with a win in the end, but this was one that they should have won at least 5 times over before they ultimately did. Even worse for Carolina, though, Bryce Young is hurt. This is going to be a long year for you guys. 0-4 is a tough hole to climb out of.

Bengals 3, Titans 27

When everything is going crazy everywhere else, we at least have a reliable crutch that we can always laugh at…The Bungles. Look at them, escaping with a win at home against the Rams and thinking they’re hotshots again. Cincy owns the Titans, or so the narrative goes. This will be a cakewalk, they all said. Unfortunately, their team decided to turn the clock back about 5 years. Tennessee stomped all over them all game long. The Titans offense that got held to 94 total yards last week got over 400 today. Derrick Henry, who was held to 20 yards on 11 carries against the Brownies, rushed for over 100 today and even threw a touchdown. The Bungles are back to being a dumpster fire and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Good riddance.

Buccaneers 26, Saints 9

If Tampa Bay had a competent quarterback under center this year, they might have had a chance of being a good team. While the offense played dress-up as a football team for roughly the 4th time this year, the Bucs’ defense completely stuffed the Saints in the Superdome.  As a result, Tampa Bay now goes to 3-1 against mostly garbage teams. Really, Tampa Bay? I figured it would be Atlanta or New Orleans winning.

Dolphins 20, Bills 48

What I expected was a blowout and what we got was a blowout. On the opposite side of the pendulum. Buffalo tied up Mike McDaniel and the Dolphins and proceeded to defecate on them from the highest perch they could find. The problem for Miami wasn’t their offense, even though it played less than optimal today against an injured opponent. Their offense could have done something of note if their dam break of a defense hadn’t gotten torched by Allen and the bills. They were literally unable to make a stop. 48 points given up to an offense that has struggled against good defenses thus far this year. As a Bills fan, I am thrilled over this win. They utterly dominated a supposed contender in one of the biggest offensive spectacles of the day. They are back to going to the Super Bowl in my eyes, and they are now tied for the best record in the AFC as well. All is well in the galaxy.

Broncos 31, Bears 28

This kind of spectacle does not deserve such attention. At least not right now. Two horrible teams doing battle. You know what this means. Yes, THE SEASON’S FIRST TANK BOWL!

And that’s it. Let’s just say this game requires something… greater. It needs its own article.

Commanders 31, Eagles 34 (OT)

Coming off their biggest loss in roughly a few years, Washington was looking to make a statement this week against Philadelphia, and they did. Unfortunately, this statement did not involve winning. Despite keeping it close and giving the Eagles scares at times, the Commies were unable to finish the job when it really mattered, despite a furious comeback in the 4th quarter to tie the game on the final play of regulation. Philadelphia goes to 4-0, but a pretty weak one. As for Washington- well, they tried. They certainly put themselves on the map as a legit foe. The good news for them is their next opponent is openly tanking. Should be fun.\

Steelers 6, Texans 30

I expected Houston would win this game, but not in the manner that we did. Folks, we witnessed Sunday afternoon a statement of legitimacy by the Texans that proved the skirmish against Jacksonville wasn’t just a fluke. Against a Steeler defense that has single-handedly won games as of late, CJ Stroud sliced and diced them all day long. Their own defense was able to lock it down, but to be fair, even the Broncos D could stop Kenny Pickett. The result is a dominant Houston win that raises them out of the basement of their division.

Raiders 17, Chargers 24

In a surprising turn of events, not even 4 weeks into the season, Jimmy Garoppolo has already been sidelined with an injury. I know this is a stunning revelation. In his stead, Josh McDaniels has elected to start their rookie in Aidan O’Connell. He did what everyone expected, looking raw and unready as the Raiders coaching staff chucked him to the wolves. Even with a spirited comeback in the 4th quarter and another patented Staley overthinking session, the Chargers managed to escape with an undeserved victory. They’re back to .500 now, but what happens when they must face real teams? Just hope their defense does a tad bit better than putrid.

You know what else is a stunning turn of events? Yet another Raiders player is arrested early in the season. This time, it’s Chandler Jones. Jones has been away from the team since August and has been sending cryptic messages over Instagram to Mark Davis and Josh McDaniels, among others, expressing his frustration with the team. But none of that beats out what happened this week when Jones was arrested for repeatedly violating restraining order violations. The Raiders had been looking for an excuse to part ways with him for a while now, and now they have it. Unsurprisingly, he has been cut from the team. Why do star players go to the Raiders and immediately become headcases? What a joke of an organization.

Cardinals 16, 49ers 35

You know that scene from Gladiator when a bunch of prisoners are chucked into the arena to face off against wild animals? That was this game. After last week’s upset, San Francisco completely annihilated any hope Cards fans may have had. Brock Purdy was incredibly efficient yet again, and the defense kept the Cardinals’ offense largely in check until garbage time. San Francisco looks like the class of the NFL right now, and I’m not sure anyone can beat them if they keep playing like this. Fortunately for the rest of us, though, their team will probably resemble an injury ward in a few weeks just like every other year for them.

Patriots 3, Cowboys 38

I’m going to start calling the Patriots the politically correct football team if they keep playing like this. Why? No offense whatsoever. Or maybe it’s just Dallas overmatching them in every conceivable way. For the second time in 4 weeks, the Cowboys’ defense scored more points and rushed for more yards than their opponent. It’s strange seeing the Patriots just look completely horrible and turn into absolute sheep dung against real teams. Even Belichick’s baby Mac Jones was benched for Bailey Zappe during garbage time to get further lorded over. What a joke.

Chiefs 23, Jets 20

This game said a lot more about the Jets than it did about Kansas City. This game was projected to be a slaughter. In the early part of the game, it looked like that would come to fruition. However, Kansas City ran into a wall it could not penetrate for most of the remaining time. That wall’s name was the Jets defense. It was sturdy, relentless, and forced two turnovers off Mahomes near halftime to get the Jets back into the game. They tied the game on an efficient drive from Zach Wilson and a 2-point conversion. This is his time to shine. He has a chance to prove himself to the country with a legacy drive for the ages. Mahomes even threw another pick late in the 4th quarter to give the Jets a chance. But wait, nope, there’s a catch because it’s the Jets, and there’s always a catch. There was a defensive holding penalty, despite certain arguments, which not only negated the interception but allowed the Chiefs to convert a 3rd and 20 and burn off the rest of the clock. Game over. Jets, good game. But they don’t award brownie points in the standings.

Seahawks 24, Giants 3

Hey, Giants, maybe paying $160 million to a quarterback who can’t elevate his team over your superstar running back wasn’t a great idea after all, huh? Said 9-figure quarterback was arguably the main reason why the Giants lost this game, throwing 2 interceptions, fumbling, and tossing yet another pick-six. Seattle waltzes to a free win, as the Giants are now in freefall having lost 3 of their first 4. Brian Daboll is visibly frustrated with Jones, and more players are starting to show frustration in the locker room as the team is a trainwreck so far.

Laughingstock of the Week

The laughingstock of the week is special this time around. It’s the Los Angeles Chargers. Not only for continuing to employ the bum that is Brandon Staley but also for their asset management. For context, during the 2021-22 offseason, the Chargers signed free agent cornerback J.C. Jackson to a 5-year, $82 million deal after some stellar years with the New England Patriots. LA’s redheaded stepchild failed to realize that J.C. Jackson would morph into burnt toast. Not fitting into Staley’s defensive scheme, getting cooked by top wide receivers, and being a healthy scratch not even a year and a half into his megadeal. He’s being flipped back to the Patriots for a swap of day 3 draft picks. As a result, the Chargers not only revealed themselves to be incompetent but have also thrown away the $25 million signing bonus and an additional $15 million of guaranteed money. This Chargers season is a Megabus and Spanos is driving it straight off Santa Monica Pier. What a pathetic organization.

Giants 12, 49ers 30

There are still some who are unconvinced of the Niners and their might. Bring out the next poor sap to get destroyed on their hallowed turf. The football gods will go one step further and injure Saquon Barkley to sideline him for this game. His injury also eliminated any chance the Giants had of winning this game. The Niners were breathing down Daniel Jones’s neck the entire game, the latter proving his $40 million worth by throwing ducks and derping in ways that would make Eli proud. While it was competitive for three quarters, and it was the Niners, this is still a hollow feeling for fans of the Big Blue. Next week, they get Seattle at home. That’s about as must-win as it’ll get.

Falcons 6, Lions 20

Two emerging defenses and exciting offenses converge in the house that failure built for a tightly contested affair. In games like this, the offense who screws up less will win. And that team was Detroit. Goff wasn’t perfect, but he did enough to get the Lions a win, while Gibbs and the rest of that Lions backfield ripped off some crucial runs near the end of the game to seal victory. Atlanta had a chance to make a statement by upsetting the Detroit hype train but unfortunately came up short. Be comforted by the fact that your division did even worse this week.

Saints 17, Packers 18

If this game was any indication, New Orleans won’t be a player in the South for very long. For a while, this game was pure domination. The offense had done just enough against a strong Packer D, and the defense had cheeseheads calling for Kurt Benkart to start at quarterback. This was until Derek Carr got injured on the Lambeau turf. Enter the man, the myth, the legend. Famous Jameis! You know how this goes. Jameis didn’t make any turnovers today, but he did suck the life out of the Saint’s offense, as they could get nothing going in the 4th quarter. The Packers, meanwhile, used this as a dog whistle to get their act together. They slowly creep back into the game, as a touchdown and 2-point conversion put them in position to take the lead. But Jameis, though, has heart. He wants to eat that W no matter the cost. He marches the Saints down the field and puts them in position for a game-winning field goal as the kicker proceeds to whiff. Remember that Pro Bowl kicker you traded to Denver for peanuts to save a few bucks, New Orleans? He sure could have helped you here. Saints, you deserve this failure. Now, get back in the corner with the rest of the NFC South.

Chargers 28, Vikings 24

Two teams that enjoy nothing more than choking every week. Two teams with “coaching geniuses” at the helm who may be on the hot seat soon. You know what this means, boys and girls. The return of the ineptitude bowl!

This week’s marquee ineptitude bowl features resident inept coach Brandon Staley against a new challenger in the Ineptitude games in Kevin O’Connell. Throughout the game, these two Einsteins would prove that relegating this game to Ineptitude Bowl status was an excellent call. Horrible clock management. Tone-deaf play calling. 4th downs deep in your territory. If you wanted to see two teams completely overthink every situation, this game had it all. With enough said, the Vikings have the ball and are charging down the field with 2 minutes left- and turn it over on downs. The Chargers got the ball back but could not pick up a 1st down to seal the game. Brandon Staley is a man of genius, though. He will not only go for it on 4th down but have a genius play call behind it. All the cojones are coming out on this play. They line up to hike the ball, and the Chargers opt for a tunnel run up the middle against one of the best interior lines in football. This play was predictably blown up. Great, so the Vikings have it in prime field position with a chance to retake the lead. Fortunately for the Chargers, the opposing quarterback is Kirk Cousins. He cannot perform in the clutch. He throws an interception. Chargers, you got fortunate today. Be thankful you were playing Minnesota and not a real team.

Texans 37, Jaguars 17

Okay, Jags, this is an opportunity to make a statement to right the ship for your season. The Texans aren’t very good, and— what on earth are you guys doing? I thought you guys were beaten into shape by Pederson to restore the art of winning into you. And you’re laying eggs like this? In a game where they needed to win with their upcoming schedule, Jacksonville completely prolapsed and allowed one of the worst teams in the league to dunk on them for 60 straight minutes. The players are buying into the hype, Doug? Isn’t one of your jobs as head coach to fix that? You’d better, since the Texans are far from the best team you’ll face this season. Screw it on straight here, Jags.

Broncos 20, Dolphins 70

When he was on television a year ago, Sean Payton predicted that the Dolphins would bench Tua Tagovailoa at some point. Today, his prophecy came true. Tua was indeed pulled- after throwing for over 400 yards and four touchdowns and torching Payton’s vaunted defense for 56 points. In 3 quarters. Denver turned in perhaps their worst performance in five years today, even worse than the Christmas Day tank bowl against the Rams. Robbie Chosen scored a touchdown, of all people. Robbie Chosen. Let that sink in for a moment. The Broncos’ D was so bad the Dolphins set records. Before today, no team in the NFL had ever had five passing touchdowns and rushed for another 5 in the same game. The allegedly strong Denver defense made sure this stat was no more. Let Russ Cook? There’s a 5-alarm blaze in the kitchen because of him. There’s a lot more to fix in this organization than coaching. Honestly, I don’t think Sean Payton is much of an improvement over the previous regime.

Titans 3, Browns 27

Tennessee, did you enjoy your win last week against a self-destructing Chargers squad? Good, because now you get to face a real team! Or at least a real defense. The Titans marched into the Factory of Sadness and right into a buzzsaw this Sunday. Cleveland’s defense was so relentless that they held the Titans to under 100 yards of total offense and the main catalyst of their attack, Derrick Henry, to just 20 rushing yards on the day. Dirtbag and company did just enough without Nick Chubb in the fold on the offensive side of the ball, and Cleveland cruised to victory. Is it time to put Vrabel on the hot seat yet, Titans?

Bills 37, Commanders 3

Congratulations on your 2-0 start, Washington. Look at all the Commies fans talking about how this team can make the playoffs; so cute. Unfortunately, you now get to play a real team. The Bills went into Landover and wholly dominated on both sides of the ball. The Commies and Sam Howell didn’t even score points until garbage time. Speaking of Howell, he had his first true rookie game. It happens. It’s the usual growing pains when a QB misses reads and throws picks. However, this was something special. Four interceptions and sacked nine times behind an awful offensive line. Even better? It was nothing short of a home game for the Bills. The stands were dominated by the red and blue of the Mafia, as even under a new owner, the Commies still can’t prevent their FedEx dump from being overrun by opposing fans. Next week, you get Philadelphia. It’s not getting any easier.

Colts 22, Ravens 19 (OT)

Before I jump into my main point, I do have to address one crucial thing: Baltimore is once again injured to hell and back, not even three weeks into the season. Inactives for this game included Marlon Humphrey, Justice Hill, Odafe Oweh, OBJ, Marcus Williams, Ronnie Stanley, and others. However, this doesn’t account for my main observation from this game: Lamar has looked horrible this year. I don’t know if its defenses figuring him out or his physical style of play finally catching up to him, but many moments throughout this game left me wondering how this guy got a nine-figure contract this offseason. Indy kept the mistakes to a minimum despite being dominated in the trenches all day and managed to pull victory out of the rain with a superb performance from Matt Gay. Baltimore fans are now drowning themselves in the harbor over this.

Patriots 15, Jets 10

This was one of the worst football games I have ever seen. When Jim Nantz was assigned to call this game, it was because it would be Rodgers against Belichick. And then week one happened. They did get one part of the matchup for this game, though. New England’s version of Palpatine put on a defensive clinic against the Jets today. The running game was stuffed, and Zach Wilson ran a marathon in the backfield, trying to avoid getting sacked. The fortunate thing for New England is that they’re playing the Jets, so they will score no more than 10 points on offense without help. The Patriots, despite being offensively challenged as well, managed to keep their mistakes to a minimum and win a grind of a game in the swamps of Jersey. That’s now 15 straight against the Mistake at MetLife. How many more until they can file a claim to the Jets as property?

Panthers 27, Seahawks 37

Don’t be fooled by the high score. Most of the points from this game were in garbage time. The reality of this game was yet another tight, low-scoring game, with neither defense conceding much until the 4th quarter. Seattle had to get a couple of drives going late, and they had victory. Pete Carroll and company seem to have righted the ship after the disaster in week one against the Rams, and they spent the majority of the second half flexing their might on Carolina.

Bears 10, Chiefs 41

Taylor Swift is in attendance today to cheer on Travis Kelce. This means the Chiefs needed to face an opponent that would roll over and die for them. How about the Chicago Bears? They are the closest thing to a cupcake opponent you will get in this league. Kelce can pad his stats and find blank spaces in the end zone all day while his bird watches from the press box. The Chiefs win, and Chicago? They’re a hot mess right now. That Bears-Broncos game next week is going to be quite a spectacle. It might be automatically separated into something… greater. This season needs to calm down already. It’s getting to my head.

Cowboys 16, Cardinals 28

HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS! Leave it to Dallas to beat two respectable teams only to fall apart against the running joke of the NFL for the last 20 years. I know why Famous Jameis didn’t throw any picks up at Lambeau today. His glorious bakery was rented to Dak Prescott for today’s game. Two juicy turnovers produced today, including on a critical drive near the end of the game in the red zone. Dallas, that hope you were feeling after beating up on the two mistakes from Jersey? Gone. Welcome back to being a laughingstock, guys. We kept the seat warm for you guys.

Steelers 23, Raiders 18

If this was later in the season, this might automatically be relegated to tank bowl status as a complete tire fire. Unfortunately for the morbid of us, that is not the case. Both these teams are at .500 right now. The Steelers have been relying on one of the best defenses in the NFL to get them wins this season while the offense has sat their coattail riding. It happened again. Although the offense did things that didn’t involve choking today, they still looked unimpressive against a group without a great defense. The Raiders continue to disappoint against opponents not named the Broncos, as Josh McDaniels still isn’t on the hot seat because Mark Davis is unable to afford the contract buyout.

Eagles 25, Buccaneers 11

Tampa Bay, this is the game where you finally must face a real team and get exposed for your countless flaws. Despite the defense doing their best, it wasn’t close enough to bail out their atrocious offense on display. This offense is horrible. Baker can’t throw, the O line can’t block, the running game is going up the Matterhorn, and the receivers can’t get any separation. These kinds of games reinforce how bad the NFC South is, and whoever wins this sorry excuse for a division will just be fodder for a real team.

Rams 16, Bengals 19

These two teams played each other in the Super Bowl less than two years ago. With how bad both squads looked in primetime, you’d think this was a rematch of a Super Tank Bowl. Both offenses looked horrible for differing reasons. The Rams had a decent start, but then their linemen became turnstiles, and almost every one of their drives stalled out. For the Bungles, though, it was different. The offense looked out of sorts, and this wasn’t because of anything the Rams’ D was doing. Joe Burrow is injured and looks like he’s injured, and his wide receivers couldn’t catch a hold. Tee Higgins, in particular, chose to transplant abilities with Kadarius Toney and developed hands of stone. Congratulations, Bungles, you’ve got your first win. You looked horrible doing so, and I’m not ready to take them seriously at all yet. You’ve got a lot of work to do on the offensive side of the ball, and with Tennessee on the docket next week, they might not score a point with that O-line “protecting” Joe Burrow.

Laughingstock of the Week

Oh, right, I forgot I needed to do one of these now. This week had plenty to pick from. The finalists for the award are the Bears, the Broncos, and the Cowboys. All for obvious reasons. Enough said, the winner this week is the Denver Broncos! Their defense was so bad the opponent set records. It’s too bad. In a normal week, I would have loved to feature Dallas here. There’ll be other opportunities, though. It’s only week three. They haven’t got all the choking out of their system yet.

Vikings 28, Eagles 34

I think this is the time to glare at Minnesota and their fans. The narrative in primetime is that Kirk Cousins can’t perform. Unfortunately, this doesn’t tell the entire story. Sure, Cousins looked a bit off in the 1st half, but he played a quality game and should be commended. The media doesn’t take a break, however. The defense bending like a rod in the 2nd half? Kirk’s fault. Said strong defense getting gashed for over 250 rushing yards? Kirk’s fault. Justin Jefferson being on a flytrap for most of the game, you know what’s going to be said. Too many mistakes were made by Minnesota. They were one step behind a struggling Eagles team for most of the game, and it showed in the final score, despite a spirited comeback effort by Cousins. Good to know Vikings fans are still in pain. It never changes up there, does it?

Ravens 27, Bengals 24

Behold, the first true test for Baltimore in this young season; the defending division champs. They passed with flying colors. Their defense, in particular, took a Cincinnati offense with sky–high potential and stuffed Joe Mixon for under 60 yards on the day. Baltimore won a close one in Cincy, and even worse for the Bungles, Joe Burrow tweaked his calf and wasn’t 100% in this game. Bungles, you may be in a load of trouble this year. Good luck getting your season back on track. As for Baltimore, they’re 2-0. I don’t know if I’m ready to take them seriously yet but consider me intrigued.

Seahawks 37, Lions 31 (OT)

Here’s the Seattle we expected at the start of the year. Much like last year’s game, Seattle marched into their second home in Ford Field and imposed their will on offense. The defense was a little sketchy, but Geno Smith managed to elevate his team enough to topple the Lions in their most hyped home opener possibly of all time. Seattle avoids a disastrous start, and Detroit? At least they played well on offense? It’s okay, the rest of the division didn’t do that well, either.

Colts 31, Texans 20

Well, this game’s going to be horrible. Two of the worst teams in the league competing for draft position, what a spectacle this is sure to be. Look at how they find new ways to embarrass, as Anthony Richardson gets concussed on his opening drive. This is where things took a turn, as Indy has no ordinary backup quarterback. Enter the man. The myth. The legend. Gardner Minshew. Gaze in awe at that spectacular mustache. Look at how he slings the ball in ways Richardson can’t. Minshew wrought so much destruction on Houston today that Texans fans were openly fighting in the stands. If I were Indy, I would keep this guy as the starter until Richardson develops a bit more. Minshew looked great today, against an admittedly soft opponent, but this is pretty good for a team that’s supposedly tanking this year.

Bears 17, Buccaneers 27

The good news for the Bucs is that they’re 2-0. The bad news is that they’ve played two of the worst teams in the league, and their offense has looked highly suspect so far. They are winning games due to sheer defensive will, against offenses that aren’t that reputable. Try the Bears. They have about two good quality players on offense, and Justin Fields could do nothing all day and looked as raw as ever as that Bucs’ defense ate him alive. The coup de gras, a game-sealing pick 6 from the goal line to put the game out of reach. You could have put the Illini out there and they would have done better than the Bears today. Tank season is in session, baby!

Chiefs 17, Jaguars 9

I don’t care what the scoreboard says, the Chiefs should be pressing the gigantic red panic button inside the Walrus’s nuclear bunker. They look horrible, particularly on offense. It generally helps when an offense has things like linemen that don’t jump offsides every play. Or receivers that can catch. At one point in this game, their leader in receptions was their left guard. It was that bad. Thankfully, their defense chose this week to have the game of their lives. Completely stuffing a potent Jacksonville offense and limiting them to field goals for most of the afternoon. The Chiefs still don’t look entirely themselves, but a win is a win. I’d be concerned about the flat offense, though.

Packers 24, Falcons 25

Welcome to Mercedes-Benz Stadium, where the offenses are hung out to dry and both defenses feast all game long. What really turned the tide in this match, however, was the Falcons running game. Bijan Robinson had yet another 100 yard game, rumbling for 124 to be exact and making Packer defenders look like middle school players. Atlanta soars to 2-0 as a result of this victory and looks like the class of their division so far. We’ll see how this holds up, however, once opposing teams get ahold of Robinson’s film.

Raiders 10, Bills 38

It’s a game involving the Bills after an embarrassing loss, so you know what must commence. Complete and utter slaughter. With this game, the Bills have now outscored their opponents by over 150 points in games following regular season losses since 2021, and this game was more of the same. The Raiders had about 1 week of believing Jimmy G was the answer before Buffalo’s defense removed the wool from their eyes and revealed that, yes, he is in fact a subpar quarterback. The Bills ate him alive today, and Josh Allen had a nice return to form, dicing up that practice squad defense for over 250 yards and 3 touchdowns. Good to see they’re back to beating the brakes off teams again. I missed that aspect of their game, you know.

Chargers 24, Titans 27 (OT)

Chargers gonna Charger. Even in a game where the offense once again performs great, that dam break of a Charger secondary decides to screw it all up, getting picked apart for almost 250 yards passing by Ryan Tannehill of all players. The same quarterback that the Saints held to almost nothing last week, yup, he torched that D like the Nashville skyline. Even worse, they kept with the tradition of losing on special teams by having a overtime field goal kicked on them for the win. The Chargers are now 0-2 and all 13 Charger fans now want Brandon Staley flung off Santa Monica Pier. At least they haven’t had SoFi invaded by an opposing fan base yet.

49ers 30, Rams 23

That dubious honor goes to their landlords, the Rams. In a rivalry game, in their home opener, mind you, the stands were dominated by the Scarlet and Gold of niner fans. Brock Purdy was incredibly efficient, and Christian McCaffrey rushed for so many big gains you’d think he was at the gym. Rams house? Hell no, San Fran has owned that stadium since the minute it was opened. That’s 9 straight regular season wins against LA for them now, dating back to when the Rams were in the Colosseum. I would feel bad, but I can’t due to who owns them. Sell the team, Kroenke.

Giants 31, Cardinals 28

The Giants are awful this year. I don’t care that they came back and won. They didn’t score a point in the entire first half once again, meaning that they gave up 60 unanswered points to start the season. A 20-0 hole at halftime. Wonderful. They should be thankful that they were playing the Cardinals and not a legit opponent, as a real team would have taken out that pathetic excuse of a performance 5 times over like the Cowboys did last week. The Giants got back into the game, and successfully booted the game-winning field goal, thus giving them hope even though they almost lost to the worst team in football. However, this victory is a pyrrhic one, as it comes at a staggering cost. Saquon Barkley. Out for 3 weeks with an ankle sprain. With how important he is to the offense and their tough schedule coming up, the Giants could realistically start 1-4. At least you’re not committed to Daniel Jones for the next 3 years. Right, guys?

Jets 10, Cowboys 30

In a time-honored tradition, the Cowboys take the field against a bunch of frauds on national television and send out the lions. Dallas dominated on both sides of the ball today, and the offense continued to hum along like a song. I think we found out today that the real key to making the Jets defense look good is Josh Allen. Without his generous giving away of the ball, the Jets’ D can’t stop a thing. This translated to their offense as well, which was horrendous without Rodgers once again today. 3 picks for Zach Wilson as the Mistake at MetLife could get nothing going for most of the game. Jets fans, I know you want to forget this game happened, so here’s some good news. Aaron Rodgers is eyeing an improbable return from his Achilles injury and may be back for the playoffs. Please happen.

Commandeers 35, Broncos 33

Leave it to that allegedly strong Denver defense to completely fall apart when their offense finally decides to wake up for a change. They were facing Sam Howell, their receivers are Terry McLaurin and a bunch of glorified refuse, and what do they do? Get picked apart for 35 points and over 385 yards. Even when the defense finally does its part to keep Denver in the game late, the offense goes back to sandbag mode. What’s a more Broncos way to lose a game than to complete a hail Mary with no time left, only to fail on the 2-point conversion. Complain about the missed pass interference all you want, Denver, but you didn’t deserve to win this one. See you next week when you do the same thing. You never learn.

Dolphins 24, Patriots 17

It’s a Sunday night game against a division rival that could be considered a must-win for the Pats considering what happened last week. Belichick doesn’t care about the risk, all of the back-of-the-playbook stuff is coming out tonight. Running starts on blocked field goals. Laterals to linemen on 4th downs, this game had it all. Unfortunately, this was only necessary because the Pats must resort to unconventional methods in order to score points. They lack a competent offense. Who knew that a guy who made Alabama’s offense look horrible last year would struggle at the NFL level again, I wonder why that is? Miami goes to 2-0 and looks like the class of the division so far. As for New England, the fans are growing restless. Old Bill is safe, but his coordinators? Less so.

Saints 20, Panthers 17

In what seems to be the traditional modus operandi for both of these teams, the only scoring that would get done for most of the game was field goals. This game almost put me to sleep. The only redeeming quality of this game was that the Saints won, and Chris Fowler called it instead of Steve Levy. Other than that, not much else to say.

Browns 22, Steelers 26

I think it says something when the Steelers have “Fire Canada” chants raining down in their stadium and they still win the game. This was one of the more preposterous displays of “football” that I have ever seen and epitomized every negative aspect of the NFL as a whole. Two lifeless offenses with Dirtbag commandeering one of them, combined with two stout defenses made for an awful game to watch. That Steelers offense was horrendous today, and they only won due to sheer defensive will. In fact, Dirtbag’s turnovers outscored them, and were the primary reason why they won the game. Speaking of Dirtbag, he had himself a game. A pick-6, a fumble returned for a touchdown, two face mask penalties on critical drives, and a litany of sacks. Pittsburgh may not be able to move a feather on offense, but they got a hefty bailout today from an otherworldly defensive effort. Even better, they face the Raiders next week, meaning they’ll probably be above .500.

AP Photo/Seth Wenig)

Let’s cut to the chase and get this over with, shall we? There is a lot to discuss. On the 22nd Anniversary of 9/11, the Bills and Jets faced off in Monday Night Primetime. For the Bills, the same expected greatness is on the horizon, while the Jets also had similar feelings. They were experiencing emotions like “hope,” “hype,” and “optimism” for the first time in a long time. That was due to their new guy under center. A guy who toiled on the Tundra of Lambeau for 15 years, a former Super Bowl Champion. Aaron Rodgers.

His mere presence on the field got the crowd amped up as he walked onto the field for his opening drive. The Jets were going to march down the field when Rodgers hurt his ankle just four plays into the game and had to be carted off the field. Wait, what? That wasn’t part of the script.

It’s in typical Jets fashion to give their fans hope and then rip it away, just as they’re reaching for it, and this moment in last night’s game just upped the ante tenfold. The Jets had hope, optimism, and offensive competence – and then the O-line failed to protect their prize asset for even a single drive.

So they had to deal with Zach Wilson… as he threw a pick to a wide-open Matt Milano and set the Bills up in prime field position. The Bills go up 13-3 at halftime, but not without hiccups on offense due to Allen throwing up an arm punt to Jordan Whitehead late in the 1st quarter.

Then came the 2nd half. It is here that Josh Allen morphed into a complete turnover machine. The Jets started by going down the field but were forced to settle for a field goal to make the game 13-6. It is here that Allen decides to believe in charity and let them think they can win this game: yet another arm punt into double coverage to Jordan Whitehead. The Jets still can’t get anything done on offense. That’s fine, Allen can just do it again! This time, he didn’t do it near the end zone, but at the 40-yard line to set up the Jets in prime field position. Even better, he even threw it to the same guy! Jordan Whitehead was second on the Jets in receiving that day. He plays defense. That’s how bad Allen was in terms of throwing interceptions.

With Allen’s charity, the Jets finally started moving the ball and managed to score a touchdown with maybe the catch of the week by Garrett Wilson. With the game now tied at 13, the Bills got the ball back with 5 minutes left with a chance to win the game. What do you think happened? Fumbled snap and the Jets recovered in prime field position. Fortunately, the Bills defense did enough to prevent a touchdown, but it was crunch time. Buffalo didn’t have enough time for a touchdown to win the game, but they got Tyler Bass into field goal range to tie it.

That’s exactly what they did. The offense finally got their act together and marched 50 yards downfield to set up Bass for a tying field goal. In typical Jets fashion, the kick hits the goalpost but goes through. Jets luck at its finest.

In overtime, the Bills got the ball first and proceeded to go 3-and-out. But hey, at least it wasn’t a pick, right? The punted it away. The Jets receiver catches it and runs off to the end zone as none of the Bills can make a tackle to save their lives. Game over. Jets win. The entirety of Buffalo drowns itself in liquor, and the Bills lose at MetLife for the second straight year. God help us all.

I’ve followed the Bills for almost 10 years now. Trust me, I’ve seen it all with this team. But this is something I wasn’t ready for. Just like most other Bills losses in the past few years, Buffalo found a way to beat themselves. The Jets did nothing special. They were okay, but their offense had one good drive and the defense just had to sit there as Allen and the Bills threw up pizzas all game. This game is candy to the rest of the division. Good job, Jets. You successfully embarrassed your division’s top dog for the second year in a row.

The NFC experienced a talent drain this offseason that they haven’t suffered in a few years. Nearly every big free agent and trade target left for the AFC, leaving this conference very predictable and top-heavy. That doesn’t mean a lack of drama, though. Let’s go over the 16 teams trying not to suck this year.

Chicago Bears

The defending tank bowl champions will be looking to do a tad bit better this coming season. That starts with their offseason moves. For winning the tank bowl, they were able to get some decent players and assets by trading the 1st overall pick. Enter DJ Moore- the new threat at wideout for the Bears. Regardless, the key to success for this team is Justin Fields. Will he take that next step forward with his arm? Or will he turn into a diet Lamar Jackson? This season is critical to his development.

Green Bay Packers

For the Packerena, the time has come. Aaron Rodgers is gone. Now, Jordan Love, the much-maligned first-round pick of the team from 2020, has big shoes to fill. The unfortunate thing is that Rodgers took most of his wide receivers with him when he went to the Jets, so in addition to having a paper-soft defense, they also no longer have an offense. It’s going to be a long year on the frigid tundra of Lambeau.

Detroit Lions

This is the most optimistic Lions fans have felt in a generation. A competent offense. A semi-competent defense. Expectations are through the roof. A weak division. It is all right in front of them. This offense might be the best they’ve had in 5 years, and Hutchinson has added some oomph to a defense that has slid a little. Dan Campbell is a beast, and I hope for his sake that they do well.

Minnesota Vikings

The purple people eaters, coming off an embarrassing playoff loss, are coming back with a vengeance, but serious questions loom for the Vikings. They spent a lot of last year dancing through the raindrops, and a 13-4 year on that kind of luck is highly unsustainable. In addition, the Kevin O’Connell luster may have worn off, and Kirk Cousins might be the most Jekyll and Hyde quarterback in the league right now. It’s going to be an interesting year in the land of a thousand lakes. Justin Jefferson needs to be paid too.

New Orleans Saints

This is the weakest Saints team we’ve had the pleasure to see on a gridiron in a very long time. While the offense has the potential to be something, especially with Derek Carr now in the saddle at quarterback, it still doesn’t fix their disastrous tire fire of a defense. Dennis Allen hasn’t proven himself as a coach yet, and they will likely be a stepping stool for real teams in their pathetic joke of a division.

Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons are looking to usurp control of a terrible division through fun, exciting youth. In addition to Kyle Pitts, they added an electric back in Bijan Robinson to hopefully serve as a bell cow back. The defense looks a bit better, led by guys like AJ Terrell and Grady Jarrett. Even Cordarrelle Patterson is back in the mix. This could be an exciting year for a franchise that has known nothing but pain and misery. Knowing the falcons, though, they’ll probably find a way to screw it up.

Carolina Panthers

Carolina is entering an interesting time. A new young quarterback, a good defense, and a strong coaching staff. The hope is that they’ll do a bit better than last year and surprise us all. However, these are the Panthers, the incompetence has been top-down for a few years now. David Tepper will find a way to screw something up and derail their season, won’t he?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This team is a joke. Behold the heavyweight QB battle of Baker Mayfield versus Kyle Trask! While the defense is still solid, I don’t trust Bowles and Leftwich to manage the offense, especially without Brady holding their hands this year. Nothing else to say on this front, they’re gonna be last in the division and it won’t even be close. Prepare the tanks.

Washington Commanders

The bad man is gone, Washington. Dan Snyder has finally sold off the team, albeit for much more than he should have got, to billionaire Josh Harris, the owner of the New Jersey Devils.

A much-needed culture change is hopefully on the way, and maybe another name change. It turns out that the name change was so lazily done that Snyder didn’t even bother trademarking the name. One last black eye on a disaster of a tenure for him, good riddance. As for the team, Sam Howell is their starting quarterback, so they’re a complete wild card. And not in a good way.

New York Giants

The Giants, coming off a surprisingly good year, are looking to build on the success. Brian Daboll, fresh off the NFL’s version of a Jack Adams Award, will also get to face his former team this year, on primetime. The Giants are a weird team to me. They’re not all that talented, but then again, look at what happened last year. Guys like Daniel Bellinger will probably keep popping up to keep them fresh and unpredictable, and the G-men will do a lot better than a lot of “experts” are predicting this year.

Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones is frustrated. He wants a winner no matter the cost. Limping into the playoffs and getting massacred by the Niners twice in a row won’t suffice this year. Conveniently, the team that bested them has some trash for them to pick up at a garage sale. Trey Lance. Acquired for a 4th round pick. Horrendous asset management by the Niners brass aside, the Cowboys might have just made their best move of the century. Even better, Zeke is no longer hogging a roster spot, too. Tony Pollard is now the feature back. Once again, nobody outside of the Dallas-Fort Worth area wants them to succeed. If they fail, it will be candy to the 31 other fan bases in the league.

Philadelphia Eagles

What do I even need to say, this team needs no explanation. After spending the entire offseason complaining about the turf and the refs, the Eagles are looking to run it back to the big game with a much different result. This team is absolutely stacked. The offense is otherworldly, and the defense, while losing pieces, is still solid. They lost both coordinators this offseason but should still be in decent shape under Sirianni. This is one of the few exciting teams in the NFC this year, and I can’t wait to watch them play. Grab the popcorn.

Los Angeles Rams

This was one of the hardest teams for me to gauge this offseason. They lost two defensive stalwarts in Leonard Floyd and Bobby Wagner, and Stafford is still recovering from a lingering injury and might not play. Cooper Kupp is going to be out for a while, and it looks like Aaron Donald might be single-handedly carrying the defense this year. Sean McVay can dream. 2 more years and then he can get thrown a Brinks truck of cash by Amazon to go do Thursday Night Football.

Arizona Cardinals

This organization is a joke. The on-field product is a joke. Kyler Murray will be out for most of the year. If there were relegation in North American sports, the Cards would be in League 2 by now. Nothing else to say here.

Seattle Seahawks

A year ago, I thought this team was DONE. Now look at them. Geno Smith has been revealed to be a competent NFL quarterback. This alone makes them a contender. Kenneth Walker has the potential to be a generational talent, and if he doesn’t get hurt this year, this team is a serious contender. Not Super Bowl material yet but getting there with some help next year.

San Francisco 49ers

Behold a masterclass in asset management, featuring John Lynch, GM of Santa Clara! Trade multiple high draft picks and assets to get the 3rd overall pick. Draft a quarterback with that pick, even though you already have one. Play him about 3 times over two seasons. Then trade him for pennies on the dollar. Buy high, sell low, a true masterclass by the Niners brass! As for the team, nothing eventful happened other than that. Nick Bosa just finished his contract holdout after being thrown a dump truck full of cash, and now will be playing in week 1. The quarterback will be Mr. Irrelevant, Brock Purdy. He’s recovered in record time after receiving Tommy John. If the rest of the defense doesn’t skip a beat, this team could be scary.

Playoff Predictions

The NFC is going to be wild this year. Every division is up for grabs this time around. I have the Eagles repeating in the east, the Lions getting their act together and taking the North, the Falcons being the least horrible in the South, and the Niners taking the west. The wild cards will be Dallas, Seattle, and the Vikings. It’s going to be a great year. Brace yourselves.

It’s time for another season of the wonderful fall pastime of football. This year’s AFC will be even crazier than last, with three-quarters of the conference involved in Football’s version of an arms race. Let’s go over the 16 teams vying for the Lamar Hunt Trophy.

Cleveland Browns

Cleveland’s predicament is the definition of a no-win situation. If they are good, it’s because they are employing a scumbag of a quarterback who gives Wander Franco a run for his money. If they are bad, subtract the bragging rights and bring up the same talking points. They are easily the most hated team in the AFC this year, surpassing the Chiefs and Cowboys, and their division rivals will be jumping for joy if they falter yet again this year.

Pittsburgh Steelers

This team is still rebuilding. In my opinion, they overachieved on their way to a 9-8 campaign last year thanks to their opponents either being incompetent or injured to hell and back in the case of Baltimore. Their defense, while looking shaky at times last year, is formidable, and should give Kenny Pickett and co. the insulation and time to develop into studs. While I expect them to take a slight step back, they’ll still be competitive.

Baltimore Ravens

This team angers me. What I see is untapped potential at every corner. The last two seasons have played out the same way. They get off to a great start, Lamar is all over the highlight reels, the defense plays great, and then everyone gets injured, and they sputter into an embarrassing end to their season. This year’s team leaves more questions than answers. Will Lamar finally live up to his hype? Will the defense stay healthy enough to perform as advertised? Will their young receiving core take that next step to greatness? Time will tell, but this season could be very telling as to this organization’s future.

Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals are going to be good this year and I’m going to hate it. They turned a lot of people against them last year with how much they talked before getting stifled at Arrowhead, and far fewer people will be rooting for them this time around. Regardless, they are still a top contender in the AFC. The real question is with Joe Burrow. He injured his calf in training camp and could be out as long as 5 weeks. Their backup is Jake Browning. That’s enough for some Cincy fans to panic. Relax, it’s only a few weeks, you’ll be fine. Unfortunately.

Houston Texans

After gloriously choking away the first overall pick due to their head coach wanting a job next year, last season’s tank of tanks is looking to take a step forward this year. They did end up getting one of the top quarterbacks in the draft in C.J. Stroud and traded up immediately afterward to pick a potentially generational defensive talent in Will Anderson. This will be the true test for the Texans in development. In years past, players of this caliber have either flopped miserably or have been revealed to be total scumbags in the case of Deshaun Watson. Losing their best defensive player from last year to Buffalo doesn’t help, either. It’s going to be a long year.

Indianapolis Colts

To say last year was a trainwreck for Indy would be like calling the eruption of Krakatoa a minor disturbance. This team is going to be awful. In addition to reaching in the draft for a volatile project of a quarterback in Anthony Richardson at 4th overall, they also completely ignored his status as a project and named him the week 1 starter, because everyone knows the key to developing young signal callers is to chuck them to the wolves the minute they enter the league. Even worse, Jonathan Taylor, the only thing that was keeping their offense anywhere near relevant, is angry about his contract situation and the Colts’ treatment of his injury and wants out. 31 other teams were salivating at the chance to trade for him, but Irsay, in typical fashion, demanded way too much for him and all potential deals fell through. The only reason to watch this team will be to see how they compete with the Texans for the basement. Shameful.

Tennessee Titans

After last season’s disastrous collapse that saw them miss the playoffs after starting 7-3, the Titans will be looking to rebound. Ryan Tannehill is back, along with a new threat at wideout in Deandre Hopkins. While he’s past his prime, he can still be a reliable weapon to throw to. Their running game needs no explanation, and their defense is one of the stouter units in the league. Unfortunately, last year showed us that this team is very mortal and prone to collapse, so I don’t see a playoff berth in their future this year, especially in that murderer’s row of an AFC.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Last year was a tremendous step forward for Jacksonville, and they’ll be looking to add to that this year. Trevor Lawrence is a stud, and their defense has quietly rebuilt into one of the best units in the league. While I disagree with the people who think they’ll be the #1 seed, I still think what they have is enough to win that pathetic division they’re in.

New York Jets

This is the most excited the Jets fan base has been for a season in a very long time. Last year showed much promise, in between the offense being unable to function for most of the 2nd half of the year. That defense is stacked, though, and Aaron Rodgers is hopefully the answer at quarterback that they’ve been looking for since Sanchise. Unfortunately, this is the Jets, and they can have no nice things. In typical Jets fashion, they will probably butt-fumble away every opportunity given and miss the playoffs again. Followed by trading Rodgers to Minnesota to complete the Favre arc.

New England Patriots

This might be the weakest Patriots lineup I’ve seen in a very long time. Mac Jones looked highly suspect last season, the defense turned itself into Swiss cheese, and the special teams decided that imitating a Monty Python sketch would be a good idea in a must-win game. Of course, with Belichick under the headset, they’ll be a threat, but how much time does he have left? A washed-up Zeke won’t fix all of their woes on offense, and new offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien won’t help matters either. Pats fans, you deserve this failure. You’re one of us now, boys, and you will be for a while to come. Welcome back to the basement. We kept the seat warm for ya.

Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins were one of the major players in this off-season’s arms race, and their fans are perhaps the most optimistic they’ve been in 10 years. On paper, this team is stacked. Good quarterbacking plus a stout defense should be competitive in that division. However, the question lies in whether they stay healthy, specifically Tua. I’m of the opinion that if he gets another concussion, he shouldn’t play a down of football again. If he gets hurt, it could completely rank their season. Skylar Thompson does not inspire confidence.

Buffalo Bills

My first instinct, just like every other year with this team, will be to proclaim them Super Bowl champs before a game has even been played. While I’ll undoubtedly be shouting that from the rooftops, this Bills team is one of the more volatile bunches to be assembled up there over the past 6 years. Will Josh Allen live up to the hype? Will the defense stay healthy enough to be dominant? Will Sean McDermott’s old-school style translate to playoff success? They realistically have about 3 more years until their true championship window closes and they’re in cap hell. The grace period was over a long time ago. Strike while the iron is hot, boys. My sanity depends on it.

Denver Broncos

The good news about the Broncos is that with what happened to them last year, there’s almost nowhere to go but up. The bad news is, well, last year. Sean Payton is at the helm there now, and he’s wasted no time tearing apart the previous coaching staff for their flaws. Even with a much-needed culture change, the Broncos can still have no nice things. Their entire wide receiver core is in the infirmary right now, some for the season. It’s gonna be a long year. Just keep it competitive against KC, will ya?

Las Vegas Raiders

After last year’s abysmal failure, the time was right for the Raiders to blow it up and start over. In a feigned attempt at staying competitive, they have brought in Jimmy Garoppolo to throw ducks to opposing defenses and pull some more Orlovskys in the endzone. This team is going to be horrible once again this year, and Mark Davis might actually be able to afford to fire Josh McFraud this time. I can’t wait.

Los Angeles Chargers

The redheaded stepchild of the NFL is coming off their most embarrassing loss in franchise history: blowing a 27-0 lead to a team that had only won 3 playoff games in their last 20 years. Brandon Staley is still around, for reasons I don’t know, to continue to bumble on the sidelines pretending to be an analytical savant. The Chargers will continue to waste Justin Herbert’s career, and they did next to nothing in the offseason to fix their mangled mess of a defense. Poor Herbert. Poor Joey Bosa. They deserve better than this.

Kansas City Chiefs

Hooray, another year where the Chiefs are considered the frontrunners for the AFC, what a shocking turn of events. Let me put on my stunned face. Yay. The Chiefs are returning most of the same faces on offense, but their suspect defense took a massive hit this offseason. Chris Jones, their most talented pass-rusher, is angry with his contract situation and is deep into a contract holdout. At this point, who knows if he ever plays a down for the Chiefs again. Jones will command a good deal on the open market, and it’ll be very interesting to see how this plays out for both him and Kansas City. Popcorn season is in session. Bring it on.

Playoff Predictions

In terms of playoffs, much like last year, the divisions are cut and dry. The only real division in contention is the East, which I see going to the Bills. As for the rest, it will be the North to the Bengals, the South to the Jags, and the west to the Chiefs. Wild cards, different story. There are a lot of fine suitors for these three spots, but I see them going to Miami, the Chargers, and the Jets. Yes, the Jets. I know, sacrilege. It’ll be very interesting to see how this conference shakes out this year. Play ball.