Devils forward Ryan McLeod (#20) celebrates after scoring the first and game-winning goal. The Devils would go on to win game 7, 4-0, advancing to the Second Round. Photo: NY Post.

Wow. When I saw this matchup, a part of me figured the Rangers would lose this series, but not like this. Behold one of the greatest embarrassments in franchise history: a star-studded team goes into the playoffs and lose in the first round. To a team they had a 2-0 series lead over in dominating fashion. A team whose average age is about 20 years old. A team whose defense consists of Dougie Hamilton and a bunch of wet plywood. A team that was down to their third-string goalie in game three because the other two options sucked. You can make excuses about how Akira Schmid was unstoppable and how the playoff structure sucks, but either way you look at it, this is downright pathetic.

This team had cup ambitions? Really? I sure couldn’t tell with this garbage. A team that went all-in at the trade deadline wholly self-destructed. This was probably their best chance at winning the cup in this contending window, and they completely defecated all over it. I got losing to Tampa last year, but THIS? Did anyone even bother showing up for this? I couldn’t tell by the lack of urgency from most of the team. The grace period is over, boys. It’s time for me to pick apart this team for its flaws like everyone else I write about. And I’ll do it with pride.

Chris Drury has got to be one of the most frustrated executives in the NHL right now, if not the four major sports. With his deadline moves, he is easily a candidate for GM of the year. The dude pretty much built an All-Star team. Want to know how spoiled for wealth the Rangers were this year? They had Vladimir Tarasenko on their second power-play unit. What do the Rangers do with this luxury? Waste it. Like every other year they’ve been a contender over the past decade. Drury did nothing wrong. He did exactly what he needed to do. He added star power for bargain-bin prices, he added quality depth in the lineup, he did everything according to the book and then some- and then everyone else let him down.

I don’t want to admit this, but I have no choice. Gerard Gallant needs to be fired. There, I said it. His tactics are wearing off, and honestly, he’s falling into the same traps he did in Vegas. There were about six guys on the Rags that actually looked awake in this series: The 4th line, the top D pairing, and Shesty. That’s it. For a team that has enough star talent on it to single-handedly populate an all-star team, this was incredibly disappointing to witness.

Artemi Panarin has been hot garbage these playoffs from every conceivable metric. Two assists for a guy making 8 figures a year is a borderline criminal underachievement. So why is it that when he keeps turning the puck over and doesn’t backcheck that he gets a permanent place on their top line? Why is he a core piece of the penalty kill? This guy can’t do anything on defense, yet Gallant is trotting him out there because Panarin exists to satisfy the idea of a top-flight winger. An argument can be made that his is one of the worst contracts in the league. This man makes $11.6 million per year. Three more years of this. Nice work, Gorton. No wonder Dolan fired him two years ago.

I know the excuse amongst players and fans for this year will be something along the lines of the following. “Our team is still good. It’s okay. We came up short yet again. There’s always next year, you know!” WHAT PART OF THE RANGERS DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? NEXT YEAR NEVER COMES! Once again, this was quite possibly their best chance to win a cup in this contending window, and they blew it spectacularly. This honestly feels worse than that 2017 series loss to Ottawa. My jaw has hit the floor. If major changes aren’t made this offseason, this team isn’t doing a thing for the next few years.

That’s enough of my salt and rage—time to make fun of other teams that embarrass themselves.

The Tampa Bay Lightning were eliminated in the first round of the 2023 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Could this be the end of the Lightning’s dominance in the NHL? Photo: NHL.com

Folks, it’s finally happened. The Tampa Bay Lightning have turtled and allowed Toronto to advance in the Stanley Cup Playoffs for the first time in the cap era. This article should congratulate the Leafs for their efforts, but it’s not.

I think this will likely mark the end of Tampa’s true contending window. You saw it all through the regular season when they sucked. We were prepared for them to morph into juggernaut mode for the playoffs, but it never happened. They just sucked after game one. With this talent, I don’t know if this is indeed the end, but if it is, I have a few parting words for you, Tampa. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I find most of your players to be unlikeable, your coach is a whiny buffoon, and most of your fans don’t have their heads screwed on straight. I want nothing more than to see you and your stupid Tesla coil wither and die in the abyss.

But I respect the hell out of you. To maintain that level of success after years upon years of choking in a salary-cap league? With little to no change in terms of the coaches and core? That’s impressive. They may have never won a cup in an 82-game season during this window, but they surely came close a few times.

This is where I will admit my bias as a Ranger fan and never speak about those years again. 2015 and last year give me nightmares. Regardless of his decision to quit in 2018, Steve Yzerman will forever be a legend in Tampa for what he did for this team. He took an organization reeling in mediocrity and turned them into… this. Just look at their drafting record over the last decade. Besides Stamkos and Hedman, nobody on this team was a top 10 pick. Vasilevsky was a 19th overall pick and wasn’t even Tampa’s first choice in that draft. Kucherov was taken in the 2nd round. Brayden Point and Anthony Cirelli were taken in the 3rd round, and guys like Andrej Palat and Ross Colten were taken later in the draft. It’s a testament to Yzerman and the entire scouting staff he brought with him from Detroit. Tampa has been coasting off this for a while now, and the current GM, Brisebois, is incompetent at best. Seriously, man, five draft picks for Tanner Jeannot, how’d that work out for you, buddy? I think I’ll close this out by echoing the lines uttered by Bolts PR the last time they lost in the first round:

Bruins captain Patrice Bergeron leads the Bruins in the end-of-series handshake after Florida eliminated Boston in the 2023 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. Photo: NHL.com

Wow. Where do I even start on this one? I’m genuinely curious because it’s still hard to comprehend the utter failure and humiliation I witnessed last night. A 65-win season. Talent and quality depth up and down the lineup. The best defense in hockey. A Vezina trophy-winning goalie with a backup who could probably start for a few teams. They went up against a team with a shell of the identity that made them regular season gods the year before and couldn’t decide which goalie they wanted, and they made the playoffs in the last week of the season. A 3-1 series lead where Florida was dead.

Do you realize what you’ve just done, Bruins? This is, bar none, the greatest choke job in NHL history. This is a collapse for the ages. Do you know how bad it was? Fans around the league felt actual feelings of sympathy for Boston. BOSTON. Do you know how bad things must get for that to play out?

And the worst part about this? This was their best opportunity to win another Cup this window, and they choked it away again. Besides 2011, this is all they’ve done in this window. Look at the Scottie Walker series in ‘09. Washington in 2012, which they also lost in an OT Game 7. A 2-1 series lead against Chicago with home ice in the Cup Final in 2013, culminating in their 3rd-period collapse in game 6. Losing to the Montreal Canadiens in a home game 7 as the Presidents’ Trophy winners. Missing the playoffs in 2015 and ‘16, and being invisible in ‘17 and ‘18 thanks to organizational ineptitude. Wilting in a home game 7, in the CUP FINAL, to a St. Louis team they were far better than.

And now this. All your opportunities, all that talent: Wasted. This may have been Patrice Bergeron’s last game. He’s been playing through a herniated disc that he injured playing in the season finale, and who knows if he ever plays for the Bs again. Brad Marchand is getting up there too, and certain aspects of his game will not age with grace. David Krejci is getting older.

You guys had a deep playoff run placed on a tee for these guys to have their final ride into the sunset, but you just had to let them down one last time. Come back down to earth. You’re one of us now, Boston. Now run along and die on the golf course like everyone else.

Everyone’s favorite time of the year is finally here. Playoff hockey is finally upon us. Ten weeks of history-making and tight matchups to raise that immaculate Cup of Lord Stanley. Let’s look at the 16 teams vying for this prize.

Florida Panthers

I would have picked the Penguins and Capitals earlier in the year to make it in over these guys. However, this team earned their spot with an absolute heater to close out the season. They’re facing a tough task in Boston to start the playoffs, but they hope they’ll at least be competitive. They have no expectations this time, so they’ll play with house money. Those teams are always the most dangerous. We’ll see how it goes against the juggernaut of the league. Their newfound wunderkind in Alex Lyon will take them as far as he can.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Every single year seems to play out the same for these guys. They start slow, go on a tear in the middle of the season, there are questions in the end, and then they heat up at just the right time and ravage the eastern conference from April to June. It’s looking like more of the same this year. This year, their gross overpayment for a depth piece was for Tanner Jeannot, who has fit in well in the bottom six and has become pivotal to Tampa’s late-season success. Fortunately for the rest of us, their division is a bloodbath, so enjoy playing Boston if the Bolts embarrass Toronto again.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Everything comes down to this for the Leafs. The final audition to see if this group of players and staff can get this organization to the second round for the first time in the cap era. On paper, this team looks stacked. Their offense needs no introduction, and their defense has quietly evolved into one of the more stout units in the playoffs this year. They have excellent depth at every position, which is key for a deep run. However, most Leafs fans are not convinced by this. They know the traps. How often have the regular season Leafs juggernauts entered the postseason only to shrivel up and fold? There will be significant changes made if the Leafs wilt once again. Dubas, Keefe, and maybe even Shanahan will all likely be gone. With this logic, they will probably repeat history and lose to Tampa in a home game 7—sorry guys.

Boston Bruins

What isn’t there to say about this team? They’ve only been so good that they’ve practically shattered every team record in the league. Sixty-five wins, the president’s trophy winner by a country mile, quality talent and depth up and down the lineup, and a runaway Vezina favorite in net. On paper, this team should be a lock for the Cup this year. However, we’ve heard these praises for another team: the 2019 Tampa Bay Lightning. Remember what happened to them? I’ll spare you the details. Anything besides a Stanley Cup this year will be considered a dismal failure. Have you seen how mad Boston fans get when they lose at anything? Their local midget league team could lose in a pickup game, and they would start rioting in the streets. It will be a joy for 31 other fanbases to witness as the city collapses into a salt mine.

New York Islanders

The Islanders did better this year than I thought they would. Last year, it looked like their window was closing, and they were done. However, they have rebounded nicely, mainly due to the guy in the net. Sorokin can steal a game or two these playoffs, but I don’t know about them going up against Carolina. They’ll keep it competitive, but this might be a year where they fizzle out.

New York Rangers

Okay, blueshirts, I will ask you one last time, what on earth are you this year? Are you the team dazzling the league with youth, speed, and scoring? Or are they the team that falls apart in the 3rd and lays some massive eggs against opponents that aren’t all that good? They’ll have to decide soon, as they’re going up against one of the best teams in the league to start in New Jersey. If everyone on the team plays to their potential, this series is over in 5 games. If not, then Manhattan must prepare for multiple heart attacks coming up in these playoffs. I, for one, will probably partake in this tradition.

New Jersey Devils

The Devils are a legit cup contender for the first time in over a decade. Honestly, it’s about time, even if I wanted them to struggle again as a fan of a division rival. Too long has the talent on this team been wasted for them not to make noise this year. I’m not as worried about them as other people, primarily because I believe playoff experience is overrated. The Rangers proved that last year and the Habs the year before. What matters to a team is if they get hot at the right time, and Jersey is entering the playoffs looking like one of the best teams in the league, bar none. They even got their top scorer’s little brother on the team in Luke Hughes. This team either loses to the Rangers or goes on a deep run. There’s no option C here. I hope to god it’s the former of the two.

Carolina Hurricanes

The Canes are roughly in the same situation as Colorado was last year. They need to win and win now. Sure, you can excuse their sputtering coming into the playoffs due to the leagues upon leagues of injuries suffered by Raleigh, but the Hurricanes haven’t done themselves any favors. Their offense has wholly vanished without Pacioretty and Svechnikov, and their vaunted defense can only do so much to patch all the leaks on this sinking ship. They’re lucky they’re playing the Islanders and have home ice again. Once they make it to the second round, though, they’re looking to be yet another quick out.

Seattle Kraken

The league’s newest darling expansion team has taken the wild cards by storm and rushed into a playoff spot in one of the biggest surprises this season. For a team that was leading the Pacific at one point, you can say they’ve fallen off a little, but they’re still a dangerous opponent to mess with, especially with how they’ve performed in the clutch this year. This will probably be the learning experience year for them as they are running into the steamroller known as Colorado, but consider me intrigued. They’re playing with house money this season, and as I said about Florida, those teams can be scary. Or they’ll wilt and get fileted into calamari by Colorado and their star power.

Minnesota Wild

While they have a worse seed and a worse record than last year, Minnesota is arguably a more complete team this time around. They patched their holes at the deadline by adding quality depth like Oskar Sundqvist and MoJo. They found a diamond in the rough in a potential Vezina finalist in Phillip Gustavson. They’re an exciting team going into the playoffs, led by Dean Evason, one of the greatest coaches in history. When you challenge Rick Bowness to a fight in a meaningless game, you get all of my respect. Not that it means anything.

Dallas Stars

While they’ve tapered off from their nuclear start to the season, the Stars are still a formidable foe and should not be overlooked. While their core is aging, new talent is starting to emerge, with guys like Jason Robertson, Roope Hintz, and Miro Heiskanen leading the way for them. These guys are the pieces to a team that can score at will sometimes, and their defensive scheming is okay too. Notice how I haven’t even mentioned Jake Oettinger. Yeah, that guy’s pretty good. Unfortunately, with everything seeming to look up for them, their head coach is Peter DeBoer. This means they will probably choke at some point during these playoffs and cause the hockey world to laugh at them.

Colorado Avalanche

This team is loaded. Even without captain Gabriel Landeskog, they are still a threat and favorites to make it out of the West again. They have regained their form after a plodding start to the year and are facing a happy-go-lucky expansion team. They are probably going on another deep run this year. Unfortunately for them, far fewer people will want them to succeed this time.

Winnipeg Jets

This team’s offense is stacked. They boast one of the best first lines in the league and can score a million goals per game. So why have they fallen all the way down to the 8th seed? No defense. Their defense consists of Connor Hellyebuck bailing the team out and getting burned out as his hands try to do five different things simultaneously, trying to patch all the leaks. However, I must say this before I finish; you see that first-round opponent you have? Beat them, and no one will care if you get destroyed by Edmonton in the 2nd round.

Los Angeles Kings

On paper, this team should be competing for a Cup right now. They have grit, skill in their forward core, and defensive depth that can carry them on a deep run. However, their goaltending has been an issue all season. After exiling Jonathan Quick to Ohio at the deadline, they have rolled with a tandem of Korpisalo and Copley, both of whom are inconsistent. They’ll roll with Korpisalo for Game 1, which is the right move. Better to get respectfully destroyed by Edmonton instead of getting their earth salted.

Edmonton Oilers

Their forward core has always been stacked, but the issue with these guys has always been on the back end. Their goaltending, in particular, dogged them on their run last year and at the beginning of this year as well. On the defensive side, they made a big move in bringing in a member of that Smashville defense, Matias Ekholm. He and Bouchard can anchor a defensive core for quite a few years, and if Edmonton can get him re-signed, it’ll be huge. At goalie, they didn’t look to the outside but to the farm system. They’ve found a diamond in the rough in Stuart Skinner. Since the All-Star Break, he’s usurped Jack Campbell’s role and has been the central piece in a wagon the Oilers have been putting together the last few months. I pray these guys don’t win the Cup. Their arrogant fanbase wouldn’t be able to shut up about it.

Vegas Golden Knights

To the chagrin of every other NHL fanbase, the Knights are once again a competitive team. The most hated team in hockey made a few moves this offseason, and they’ve all paid off immensely. They brought in a new head coach and then revamped a roster devastated by cap hell and injuries. The results have shown this year. While they’ve been injured to hell and back this year, they seem to be getting healthy at the right time, conveniently activating Mark Stone off LTIR for Game 1 to avoid his cap hit counting against them. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include goaltending. Both members of their pre-deadline tandem in Thompson and Hill are injured and out for the first round. This leaves them with Jonathan Quick and Laurent Brosoitt, which isn’t a recipe for success. All you can hope is that Quick channels 2012 mode again and goes unconscious to lead them on a deep run. That might be even worse than Edmonton winning.

The playoffs are so evenly matched this year that it’s impossible to gauge anything. I will base my predictions on the fact that we haven’t had anything nice in the league this year. The two teams that will make it will also have the two worst fanbases in the playoffs. Boston versus Edmonton. The regular-season juggernaut against the hottest team in the league. No matter what happens, one arrogant fanbase would get bragging rights while the other spends three months complaining about the refs and dirty play. It would be a pretty good series, though.

The trade deadline this year has been pretty interesting. It’s been an arms race for most of the East, while the West has lost a lot of talent, with one or two teams bulking at the others’ expense. This year, most big-time trades happened before the deadline, some even a month in advance. Let’s review what each team has done on the trade block in the past month and change, shall we?

Boston, predictably, was loading and loading some more this deadline. They were linked to Columbus for a while, but their big trade came about two weeks ago when they reached down and got Dimitri Orlov and Garnet Hathaway for a cap dump in Craig Smith. They then got Tyler Bertuzzi on deadline day to make that forward core even deadlier. They’re a wagon going into March and April, but the playoffs are always a different animal. If they don’t make it at least to the conference finals this year, this will be a massive, massive failure. Just saying.

Toronto is, yet again, bolstering their latest attempt at winning a playoff series for the first time in the cap era. This time, they’ve gone for one of the big fish of the Deadline in Ryan O’Rielly. They also exiled Pierre Engval to Long Island in a cap dump move. This was to make space for depth adds like Erik Gustavson from Washington, Sam Lafferty from Chicago, and Luke Schenn from the Vancouver tirefire. Another year of miserable failure will not be tolerated in Ontario. Kyle Dubas and Sheldon Keefe, consider this your Pickett’s charge. Win or forever live in infamy.

Tampa Bay is also getting into the mix but doesn’t need to do much adding to maintain their championship roster from years past. This year, they’ve returned to the well in the form of their big annual trade. This time, it’s for Tanner Jeannot. FOR A FIRST, A SECOND, CAL FOOTE, AND FIVE TOTAL DRAFT PICKS? Jesus Christ, I know Poile is stepping away after this year, but you didn’t need to double his retirement fund! Tampa is cooked if they don’t make it back this year. All those lost picks will be significant assets for Nashville should they come up short.

Buffalo is a team that’s in the middle of an identity crisis. They’re a talented team, there’s no doubting that, but consistency has been a major issue. They’re sitting 4 points out of a playoff spot, and are doing what every up-and-coming team does in their position: Trade late-round draft picks for depth pieces to try to make a run at the wild card. Boston would destroy them in the playoffs, but Buffalo wasn’t supposed to even be in this position this year. Just take this season as a learning experience.

Ottawa is another team in the Buffalo situation of being right on the cusp of greatness. They have a talented roster but are sitting a few points out of a playoff spot, but unlike the Sabres’ dumpster diving, they have chosen to go big game hunting. Enter Jacob Chychrun, the Arizona refugee who has spent the last two years demanding a trade out of that desolate hellhole. Chychrun is a talented player and will bolster a roster in dire need of defensive help. Senators, you may be getting out of the woods this year. A first-round exit awaits!

And then we get to the Panthers. Another fringe team that has come nowhere near expectations is the reward for South Beach this season. They’ve been struggling all season and aren’t even in playoff position. What did the Panthers do at the deadline to rectify this? Nothing! Because a group that has underachieved dramatically doesn’t need a shakeup, am I right? The Panthers are back to being the league’s gong show, and this year proves it. It’s just a continuation of last year’s playoffs, nothing to see here.

Detroit is in a similar situation to the three teams above but has chosen a different course in selling off most of their valuable assets at bargain bin prices. Tyler Bertuzzi, we don’t need to extend him. Let’s ship him off to Boston for a 4th round pick. Jacob Vrana, we don’t need you either. Pack your bags for St. Louis, buddy. They want to buy now for some reason. Detroit will just finish this year and build for the next. You might as well write off this last month, as they’ll have a lot of cap space to work with this offseason. The empire might rise again.

Montreal is the only team in the Atlantic that is utterly out of the playoff race. Most of their core pieces are either injured or underachieving, and they did next to nothing to try and add to it. I approve of such actions. Joel Edmundson is a fan favorite and a core piece of their team, which will be great next year once they bring in actual players to support him, Wifi and Caufield. They’re probably out of the Bedard hunt, so they might as well play these last games and try to play spoiler.

Carolina didn’t do much this deadline, but they didn’t need to. The only things they did were add Shane Ghostisperre and Jesse Pullijarvi. They were on a roll even before this and are gearing up for what they hope will be another deep playoff run. They won’t screw this up… right?

Two points behind them are the Devils. Jersey has been very busy this trade deadline, unlike their division overlord in Carolina. They started by confirming what hockey fans had been discussing for weeks by adding Timo Meier in a trade with the Sharks that included over 15 players and assets. They also brought Curtis Lazar from the Canucks, a nice depth piece that should shore up their bottom six going into the playoffs. They’re in a dogfight with Carolina for the Metro Division crown right now, and it’ll be interesting to see how everything shapes up.

Then we get to the Rangers. They’re sputtering a bit, but they’ve tried to rectify that through huge splash moves. They started in early February by bringing in Vladimir Tarasenko, but they weren’t done yet. They capitalized on Chicago’s desperation to acquire Patrick Kane for a ridiculous sum that didn’t even include a first-round pick. They also added a depth piece in familiar face Tyler Motte and exiled Vitali Kravtsov to the Canucks in a cap dump to clear space for Kane. The goal is clear: Stanley Cup or bust. There’s no option C here.

The other New York team has been making moves too, but most were before deadline day. Right around the All-Star Break, they got Bo Horvat from Vancouver, and on deadline day, they got Engvall from the Leafs for a cap-dump discount of a 3rd round pick. The Isles are currently in a Wild Card spot and are storming the Metro after a disastrous start. They’re interesting going into the playoff push. Interesting.

The Pens made moves too, but they were mainly focused on adding depth pieces. They brought back the old playoff hero Nick Bonino and reached down to nab Mikail Granlund from the Predators. They were linked to JT Miller for a while, but their deal with Vancouver fell through, and the Pens came away with nothing. It might even be better in the long run. They’re on an absolute heater right now, and it might be best not to change that. A first-round loss to Boston in 6 awaits!

Washington is nearing the end of an era. They will retool this offseason and started it already by trading away Garnet Hathaway, Dimitri Orlov, and Erik Gustafson to contenders. They can still make the playoffs but have nowhere near the horses for a deep run. This offseason will be critical for maintaining their prolonged regular season success.

Then there’s the Flyers. Chuck Fletcher has a lot of eggs to deal with this deadline. Carter Hart, Travis Konecny, and James Van Riemsdyk were all rumored to be on the trade block. Did the Flyers trade any of these guys? No, because, of course not! Tortorella believes in old-school, hard-nosed tactics, and trading away potential franchise cornerstones isn’t a part of that. But that’s not to say Chuck Fletcher didn’t try. He had a deal in place with the Red Wings involving JVR, but talks broke down, and the Flyers filed the trade after the 3:00 PM Deadline. Well done, sir. This guy is going down as one of the worst GMs in NHL history, and this entire season backs up that claim.

Then there’s Columbus. They’ve had more issues this season than the Broncos in the football realm, and their shopping of top defenseman Vladislav Gavrikov backs that up. Apparently, they had several high-profile deals in place but balked in favor of sending him to LA in a package that included their best goalie in Jonas Korpisalo. They had to acquire Kings legend Jonathan Quick to make the trade work. However, after Quick stated that he wouldn’t even report to the Jackets after being banished to Ohio by Rob Blake, the Jackets quickly flipped him to Vegas for a ridiculous sum, and will you look at that, he’s spry and ready to play for the Golden Knights. Mission accomplished, boys. You get nothing. You lose. Good day sir. Kindly report to the draft lottery to also take the L in the tank bowl. God, this team can’t catch any breaks, can they?

Leading the Central is Dallas. They’ve had a bit of a slide lately and have been knocked off the #1 seed by Vegas. They haven’t done much, but their one move involved a nice top-six anchor in Max Domi. Hopefully, this will put them over the top and take them on a deep playoff run. It’ll be interesting to see how everything clicks when it comes to them.

Right behind them are the Minnesota Wild. Overcoming a slow start, they have surged back to contending status and have been busy this trade deadline. They started by trading away perennial underachiever Jordan Greenway to Buffalo and getting depth pieces in MoJo and Oskar Sunqvist. The Big Fish, though, came at the end of Deadline Day. They reached down and acquired John Klingberg from Anaheim for several picks. Klingberg is a good player and will bolster that defense for the playoff push in front of an increasingly overpowered Filip Gustavsson. Perhaps they can take this franchise to uncharted territory: The Conference Finals.

If they do, it’ll have to be through the Avalanche. They seem to have woken up from their cup hangover and are again making the rest of the league their piñata. For a team that has been this inconsistent this year, though, I’m surprised by the moves they made, or lack thereof. They did next to nothing at the deadline besides a random prospect swap with the Rangers. We all know what they can be if they click, but who knows? Dallas and Minnesota look excellent right now, and they’ll probably have to face both if they are to defend their title.

The Jets are in freefall. Once atop the Central Division in December, they have since nosedived to the point where they’re barely clinging to a playoff spot. The Jets’ thing has always been to go after a nice top-6 piece to bolster their scoring. This year, Nino Niettereiter was stolen from Nashville for several draft picks. He should be an immediate boost to their forward core and an excellent addition to pair with Wheeler, Schieffle, Connor, and co. Maybe they can win another playoff series this time.

Nashville is in an era of transition, and a soft rebuild is underway. There’s no doubt about it. This year, they were sellers at the deadline, and they did it in style. They traded away Nick Bonino, Mikhail Granlund, and Nino Nietereitter. Unfortunately, David Poile, the franchise’s only GM throughout its history, will be abdicating to the Eggman at the end of the year. He went out in a blaze of glory by committing highway robbery on Tampa for Tanner Jeannot and securing his retirement fund for the next 20 years. They probably won’t make the playoffs, but they had the best deadline possible. Nice work on that front.

St. Louis, this is the sound of your playoff-contending window slamming shut on your fingers. Many major pieces of the 2019 Cup Squad were shipped off weeks before the deadline for middling returns. These were guys like Ryan O’Reilly and Vladimir Tarasenko. Come deadline day, the Blues added to the pile of lost souls by dealing Ivan Barbashev to Vegas for a bargain-bin rate. They did get Jacob Vrana from Detroit, but this is a hollow victory. Binnington will probably never get back to his peak form, and the entire roster has gone through a nuking over the last month and now has to deal with the fallout. This includes Craig Berube, who will probably find himself under a guillotine this offseason for reasons of the NHL shuffling through coaches like a deck of cards. We’ll see you back here in another 50 years.

ROLL IN THOSE BEAUTIFUL TANKS, THE SUN DEVILS, I mean COYOTES, ARE PLAYING SIX-DIMENSIONAL CHESS THIS DEADLINE. The latest genius strategy from the Disaster in the Desert is in attempting to assemble the 2014 All-Star team. They traded away Jacob Chychryun for scraps, gave Carolina Shane Ghostisperre for even less of a return, and took on dead cap like nobody’s business. The newest members of Arizona’s franchise mode crew? The contracts of Shea Weber and Patrick Kane and the LTIR tragedy that is Jacob Voracek. They join other Coyotes pressbox legends like Pavel Datsyuk and Marion Hossa to go back in time and contend for the Chel 14 title. And Bettman has the audacity to claim there isn’t tanking in this league. At this point, why even deny it? It’s beautiful for 31 other fanbases to witness. The Coyotes only have like eight fans anyway, so who even cares?

Another group of tank enthusiasts is the Blackhawks. Unlike Arizona and the clown show they’re dealing with, Chicago has gone for a more traditional approach. Trading away pending free agents Patrick Kane, Max Domi, and Sam Lafferty will do that. But Jonathan Toews he’s not getting traded. He wants to stay in Chicago! Translation: You get nothing. You lose. This is karma for Kyle Beach, guys. Get used to losing.

Vegas has been on a tear since the turn of the new year. The Golden Knights have regained their form from the beginning of the season and are showing no signs of stopping. Rather than go after big splash names this deadline, Vegas chose to bulk up by acquiring depth in Ivan Barbashev and trading away Shea Weber’s contract to the aforementioned All-Star team. They look dangerous going into these playoffs.

Close behind them are the LA Kings. Like they were expected to do, they’ve leaped into their cup-contending window in style. Unfortunately, this is not what they’re known for anymore. Let’s say they took a longtime face of the franchise and completely screwed him over. Jonathan Quick wanted to retire a King. He’s said it himself. So why on earth did they flip him to Columbus? A team he had no interest in playing in? And wouldn’t you know it, the Jackets flipped him to Vegas, so not only is he back in the division, but they will probably face him in the first couple rounds of the playoffs. This scandal will follow LA around for the rest of the season and enraged a good portion of the fanbase. Well done.

Then there is the Kraken. Their torrid start has tapered off, but they’re still a good team and are in playoff contention. The lifeless bore turned Jack Adams candidate Dave Hakstol has turned this team into one of the scariest in the West. These guys are exactly what a city like Seattle needs to embrace the Kraken, and some playoff games in April and May will do the trick on that front, too. In terms of deadline moves, Seattle did nothing. Perhaps they realized that there are flaws on the team and that it’s probably going to be a learning experience year for them, and decided not to give up assets for a team that will be doomed in the later rounds if they make it that far. Still a great season by expansion standards, though. Keep it going.

Edmonton has always struck me as a team one piece away from greatness. Their issues have never been in scoring but in being scored on. In defense, besides the pylon albatross of Darnell Nurse, there’s really not much else back there. The Oilers hope to fix that by bringing in a proven commodity from Nashville in Matias Ekholm. He should be an immediate boost to their top four back there and provide needed reinforcement and locker-room presence after Edmonton exiled Jesse Pullijarvi to Carolina for crimes against the Boys’ Club.

Calgary has horrifically underachieved this year, but that can all be fixed with some Playoff Hockey. Jacob Markstrom hasn’t been his Vezina self this year, and the Flames have fallen off with him. They didn’t do much this deadline besides nabbing Nick Ritchie from Arizona in exchange for his brother Brett Ritchie. It’s okay. They’ll just swap apartments now. Nothing to worry about.

The Canucks are not in the situation like the rest of the conference above them. They spent the deadline dangling JT Miller around like bait, only to refuse a trade to the Penguins at the eleventh hour. They are in a state where it’s in their best interest to lose to attain infamy with the first overall pick. The only good thing they did this deadline was acquiring Kravtsov from the Rangers for a cap dump discount.

The smaller-market California Teams are battling it out for who gets the prize of worst in the Pacific division. Up first is Anaheim. Instead of trading any former rangers who have been problems this year, they traded John Klingberg to Minnesota for peanuts. This was a horrible deadline for them, and it firmly cemented their place as this league’s greatest tank other than the Disaster in the Desert.

Speaking of disasters, the Sharks are begging not to be left behind in the tank race. Timo Meier had been rumored to be dealt for a while, and he eventually was to the Devils in a huge trade that didn’t even get any good prospects out of Jersey. There were rumors that they would trade Erik Karlsson, but talks fell through, and San Jose held onto him. They are in a long, arduous rebuild right now, and who knows when they’ll get out of it. Please free Logan Couture from this hell for all of us.