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The first week of the season has come and gone and already there’s enough drama to write several short stories. Narratives have been destroyed and some new contenders are beginning to emerge out of the woodwork. Let’s look at what happened this past week.
Lions 21, Chiefs 20
Who knew that a match between two of the worst defenses in the league would turn into a tight, low-scoring game? In typical fashion, the first game of the season was full of uncharacteristic screwups and the teams just trying to settle in. Dropped passes, pick-sixes, and general offensive ineptitude were the names of the game. What really hurt the Chiefs in this one was their inability to pay their defensive players. That Chris Jones holdout that everyone was brushing off? Turns out it bit them in the rear end completely. Detroit had their way with the run game all game long, with Jahmyr Gibbs having a debut for the ages with several electric runs. Regardless of KC being undermanned in this game, Detroit looks legit. But the excuses for Kansas City don’t make up for the fact that they went for it on a 4th and 25 in their own territory with all 3 timeouts. Or Kadarius Toney developing hands of stone. Full Reid has come early this season, and the Chiefs are under .500 for the first time in two years. Impressive.
49ers 30, Steelers 7
I remember laughing when all the “experts” and talking heads were predicting the Steelers to make noise this year. How they were a popular upset pick over the 49ers. Why was I laughing, you ask? Because this was going to happen. San Francisco proceeded to march into Heinz Field and take a dump all over whatever was left of this franchise’s dignity. Christian McCaffrey gashed that “Vaunted D” so badly that you’d think you were watching a Roman scourging. The Yinzers have been brought back to earth, and San Francisco looks like a complete juggernaut so far. That defense is a brick wall. They just put the rest of the NFC on notice all over again.
Bengals 3, Browns 24
With how much Cincy has struggled early in the season these past few years, I’m going to try a new thing on the side called the Bungle-o-meter for this game. It still needs to work out the kinks like Cincy’s offense, but for now, it’s safe to launch. Before a down is even played, Joe Burrow isn’t 100%, but is playing. Give the meter a tentative 20%. However, he can’t get anything going. The entire offense grinds to a halt as a combination of the weather and Cleveland’s defense hampers them. With the meter now at 40%, a revelation is clear. The Brownies and Dirtbag Watson can’t do much with the ball either. They couldn’t even score a touchdown until the end of the first half, keeping the game close going into the break, bump the meter down to 30%. Besides, it’s fine, Cincy’s offense will just wake up and destroy them in the second half, everyone thought. They were right, the offense did wake up. Unfortunately, I meant for the other team. Cleveland completely walked all over the Bungles’ dam break of a defense in the 2nd half to completely blow the game open. What an impressive performance, you guys. All that talking you did in the playoffs last year and you can’t even score a touchdown against a literal factory of sadness. I am outright shocked that this Bungle-o-meter is going haywire as I speak. In fact, it crashed from the readings. You’re making Dirtbag look good, boys, clean it up over there.
Texans 9, Ravens 25
To all the Ravens fans out there: RELAX. You beat the Houston Texans, and you looked horrible doing so and played nearly a quarter of quality football. Lamar looked iffy, and the Texans managed to keep it pretty close for three quarters. You have some serious questions to ask on the offensive side of the ball, but according to Baltimore fans, a win is a win, everything is fine. Just be thankful the Bungles are self-destructing, and you play them next week.
Buccaneers 20, Vikings 17
With how they were exposed for the frauds that they were last year; I was surprised with how many people picked Minnesota for this game. Those people were all surprised, as the Buccaneers, a team starting Baker Mayfield, a team that is supposed to be a Tank Bowl contender, marched into US Bank Stadium and flat-out imposed their will for 60 straight minutes. Minnesota could get nothing going against the Bucs defense, and Mayfield managed to limit the mistakes just enough to pull out the win. That Vikings defense didn’t help matters either, choosing to collapse and burn on several important drives throughout the 4th quarter. At this point, you might as well just give the division to Detroit, Vikings. God, you’re pathetic.
Panthers 10, Falcons 24
The Battle of the Padawans of the NFC South takes us to Atlanta, as Desmond Ridder squares off against first overall pick Bryce Young. So far, the game has lived up to the billing, in that both are young and inexperienced. Specifically, that the defenses ate them alive for the first part of the game. However, towards the end, the Falcons pulled ahead thanks to one man: Bijan Robinson. The guy had himself a debut for the ages, with several touchdowns and a filthy move on a run in the first half. The Falcons win and gain some sort of optimism for the season. While this is Carolina they beat, it is promising. Take it and run.
Cardinals 16, Commanders 20
It’s a special day in Washington. The first game without Dan Snyder in over 20 years. The fans celebrated with a sellout crowd in DC for the first time in 5 years. By the sound of it, the Commanders got a bit drunk off their own brew today, as they allowed the Cardinals, yes, those Cardinals, to keep pace with them and nearly come back to win the game. There are some serious questions to be asked from almost losing to Josh Dobbs, but a win is a win. I’m just happy Snyder isn’t around anymore, the on-field product is an afterthought anymore.
Jaguars 31, Colts 21
Behold the week 1 starter Anthony Richardson, yes you read that right, week 1 starter! Let’s see what this project of a quarterback does when he’s rawer than sushi in this game. Wait, so he’s putting together an outstanding debut performance? Wasn’t this Jacksonville defense supposed to be good? Even their offense is imitating the failure by coughing up the ball for a defensive touchdown. Wait, never mind, the Colts defense was revealed to be smoldering plastic in the 4th quarter as the Jags retook the league and never looked back. Colts, good effort, but they don’t give points in the standings for that. Sorry, guys.
Titans 15, Saints 16
I’m gonna be honest, I completely forgot this game even happened until I looked at my scoreboard app. That’s how uninspired and boring it was to watch. Both offenses played like excrement today, with the front 7’s of each defense being treated to a feast. Most of this game was a field goal battle between the kickers, but New Orleans was able to pull ahead with a touchdown late to win a very forgettable game. Titans, welcome to the basement.
Raiders 17, Broncos 16
What needs to happen for this Broncos group to start scoring points? Or maybe they’re just really bad, I don’t know. A new coaching staff and they still can’t score more than 16 points in a game. The reason is obvious- no wide receivers- but the Broncos did themselves no favors on this front by committing the first two blatantly awful hits of the year to put Vegas in prime field position. That’s 7 straight losses to the Raiders for them now. Embarrassing.
Eagles 25, Patriots 20
This game played out a lot like the Super Bowl for Philly. They were dominant in the first half, capitalizing on the Patriots’ screw ups and roaring out to a 16-point lead by the end of the first quarter. This is where their offense decided to grind to a halt. The Patriots slowly came back off a combination of turnovers and defensive will but were stopped on the final drive to secure the ugly W for Philly. Run. Run as fast as you can out of that stadium. Be thankful you were playing New England and not a real team.
Rams 30, Seahawks 13
All the Seahawks’ bandwagons from last year were outraged before this game. This is going to be a blowout, they said. It’s the Rams. They don’t have an offense. Seattle will beat them just like the Broncos in the super bowl, they all thought. They were correct, there was a blowout that took place. Unfortunately, it was for the other team. The Rams came into SeaTac and completely obliterated them, and Aaron Donald took the Seahawks offense and suplexed it into the Puget Sound. The Rams have put themselves back on the map in the NFC with this win, and this was without several keystones like Cooper Kupp. Once again, a testament to how hard this team was to gauge before the season.
Dolphins 36, Chargers 34
Behold, dear reader, the first true Big 12 barnburner of this young NFL season. Before us lie two teams with explosive offenses and paper-soft defenses. Offense, scoring, and touchdowns would be the name of the game, as both defenses proceeded to melt down throughout the game with the occasional defensive turnover. I would call JC Jackson burnt toast but that would be an insult to the latter. Tyreek Hill torched him all game long for over 200 yards, including on the go-ahead touchdown where Miami took the lead and never looked back. One series of defensive competence later and they won the game. A gutsy win indeed to keep pace with the conference and make a statement. Chargers, you deserve this misery. Now sell the team, Spanos.
Packers 38, Bears 20
Even without Aaron Rodgers, the Packers still found a way to make Chicago into their punching bag. Soldier Field is their second home at this point, and they showed it all game. Wasn’t this when Justin Fields was supposed to break out and become a superstar, Bears fans? Sure, didn’t look like it today. While he made some good plays here and there, he looked as unready as ever as that Packer D toyed with him all game long. Bears fans, it’s going to be a long year.
Cowboys 40, Giants 0
This game happened within 24 hours of the attack on 9/11. The Giants seemingly decided to honor this by not showing up to the game. I’m dead serious, Big Blue had about one good drive and then everything fell apart as the Cowboys picked them apart. Let me put it to you this way. The Cowboys scored almost as many points as the Giants had passing yards. That quarterback you paid the big bucks to in the offseason over Saquon? Turns out he’s back to derping around and coughing up the football at nauseum. The Giants turned in a complete dud of a performance, and in fact, the Cowboy defense scored more points and almost rushed for as many yards as they did. Even worse, they’ve unleashed the hornets’ nest of Cowboy fans on the rest of the league, roughly the 10th time they’ve done this in the last few years. Pathetic.
What? There was a game Monday night? You must be in an alternate timeline. No such event occurred on that night. I refuse to believe it. This Bills team is going to kill me by week 5. Thanks for increasing my workload by forcing me to separate another game, you bums.
