Giants 12, 49ers 30
There are still some who are unconvinced of the Niners and their might. Bring out the next poor sap to get destroyed on their hallowed turf. The football gods will go one step further and injure Saquon Barkley to sideline him for this game. His injury also eliminated any chance the Giants had of winning this game. The Niners were breathing down Daniel Jones’s neck the entire game, the latter proving his $40 million worth by throwing ducks and derping in ways that would make Eli proud. While it was competitive for three quarters, and it was the Niners, this is still a hollow feeling for fans of the Big Blue. Next week, they get Seattle at home. That’s about as must-win as it’ll get.
Falcons 6, Lions 20
Two emerging defenses and exciting offenses converge in the house that failure built for a tightly contested affair. In games like this, the offense who screws up less will win. And that team was Detroit. Goff wasn’t perfect, but he did enough to get the Lions a win, while Gibbs and the rest of that Lions backfield ripped off some crucial runs near the end of the game to seal victory. Atlanta had a chance to make a statement by upsetting the Detroit hype train but unfortunately came up short. Be comforted by the fact that your division did even worse this week.
Saints 17, Packers 18
If this game was any indication, New Orleans won’t be a player in the South for very long. For a while, this game was pure domination. The offense had done just enough against a strong Packer D, and the defense had cheeseheads calling for Kurt Benkart to start at quarterback. This was until Derek Carr got injured on the Lambeau turf. Enter the man, the myth, the legend. Famous Jameis! You know how this goes. Jameis didn’t make any turnovers today, but he did suck the life out of the Saint’s offense, as they could get nothing going in the 4th quarter. The Packers, meanwhile, used this as a dog whistle to get their act together. They slowly creep back into the game, as a touchdown and 2-point conversion put them in position to take the lead. But Jameis, though, has heart. He wants to eat that W no matter the cost. He marches the Saints down the field and puts them in position for a game-winning field goal as the kicker proceeds to whiff. Remember that Pro Bowl kicker you traded to Denver for peanuts to save a few bucks, New Orleans? He sure could have helped you here. Saints, you deserve this failure. Now, get back in the corner with the rest of the NFC South.
Chargers 28, Vikings 24
Two teams that enjoy nothing more than choking every week. Two teams with “coaching geniuses” at the helm who may be on the hot seat soon. You know what this means, boys and girls. The return of the ineptitude bowl!
This week’s marquee ineptitude bowl features resident inept coach Brandon Staley against a new challenger in the Ineptitude games in Kevin O’Connell. Throughout the game, these two Einsteins would prove that relegating this game to Ineptitude Bowl status was an excellent call. Horrible clock management. Tone-deaf play calling. 4th downs deep in your territory. If you wanted to see two teams completely overthink every situation, this game had it all. With enough said, the Vikings have the ball and are charging down the field with 2 minutes left- and turn it over on downs. The Chargers got the ball back but could not pick up a 1st down to seal the game. Brandon Staley is a man of genius, though. He will not only go for it on 4th down but have a genius play call behind it. All the cojones are coming out on this play. They line up to hike the ball, and the Chargers opt for a tunnel run up the middle against one of the best interior lines in football. This play was predictably blown up. Great, so the Vikings have it in prime field position with a chance to retake the lead. Fortunately for the Chargers, the opposing quarterback is Kirk Cousins. He cannot perform in the clutch. He throws an interception. Chargers, you got fortunate today. Be thankful you were playing Minnesota and not a real team.
Texans 37, Jaguars 17
Okay, Jags, this is an opportunity to make a statement to right the ship for your season. The Texans aren’t very good, and— what on earth are you guys doing? I thought you guys were beaten into shape by Pederson to restore the art of winning into you. And you’re laying eggs like this? In a game where they needed to win with their upcoming schedule, Jacksonville completely prolapsed and allowed one of the worst teams in the league to dunk on them for 60 straight minutes. The players are buying into the hype, Doug? Isn’t one of your jobs as head coach to fix that? You’d better, since the Texans are far from the best team you’ll face this season. Screw it on straight here, Jags.
Broncos 20, Dolphins 70
When he was on television a year ago, Sean Payton predicted that the Dolphins would bench Tua Tagovailoa at some point. Today, his prophecy came true. Tua was indeed pulled- after throwing for over 400 yards and four touchdowns and torching Payton’s vaunted defense for 56 points. In 3 quarters. Denver turned in perhaps their worst performance in five years today, even worse than the Christmas Day tank bowl against the Rams. Robbie Chosen scored a touchdown, of all people. Robbie Chosen. Let that sink in for a moment. The Broncos’ D was so bad the Dolphins set records. Before today, no team in the NFL had ever had five passing touchdowns and rushed for another 5 in the same game. The allegedly strong Denver defense made sure this stat was no more. Let Russ Cook? There’s a 5-alarm blaze in the kitchen because of him. There’s a lot more to fix in this organization than coaching. Honestly, I don’t think Sean Payton is much of an improvement over the previous regime.
Titans 3, Browns 27
Tennessee, did you enjoy your win last week against a self-destructing Chargers squad? Good, because now you get to face a real team! Or at least a real defense. The Titans marched into the Factory of Sadness and right into a buzzsaw this Sunday. Cleveland’s defense was so relentless that they held the Titans to under 100 yards of total offense and the main catalyst of their attack, Derrick Henry, to just 20 rushing yards on the day. Dirtbag and company did just enough without Nick Chubb in the fold on the offensive side of the ball, and Cleveland cruised to victory. Is it time to put Vrabel on the hot seat yet, Titans?
Bills 37, Commanders 3
Congratulations on your 2-0 start, Washington. Look at all the Commies fans talking about how this team can make the playoffs; so cute. Unfortunately, you now get to play a real team. The Bills went into Landover and wholly dominated on both sides of the ball. The Commies and Sam Howell didn’t even score points until garbage time. Speaking of Howell, he had his first true rookie game. It happens. It’s the usual growing pains when a QB misses reads and throws picks. However, this was something special. Four interceptions and sacked nine times behind an awful offensive line. Even better? It was nothing short of a home game for the Bills. The stands were dominated by the red and blue of the Mafia, as even under a new owner, the Commies still can’t prevent their FedEx dump from being overrun by opposing fans. Next week, you get Philadelphia. It’s not getting any easier.
Colts 22, Ravens 19 (OT)
Before I jump into my main point, I do have to address one crucial thing: Baltimore is once again injured to hell and back, not even three weeks into the season. Inactives for this game included Marlon Humphrey, Justice Hill, Odafe Oweh, OBJ, Marcus Williams, Ronnie Stanley, and others. However, this doesn’t account for my main observation from this game: Lamar has looked horrible this year. I don’t know if its defenses figuring him out or his physical style of play finally catching up to him, but many moments throughout this game left me wondering how this guy got a nine-figure contract this offseason. Indy kept the mistakes to a minimum despite being dominated in the trenches all day and managed to pull victory out of the rain with a superb performance from Matt Gay. Baltimore fans are now drowning themselves in the harbor over this.
Patriots 15, Jets 10
This was one of the worst football games I have ever seen. When Jim Nantz was assigned to call this game, it was because it would be Rodgers against Belichick. And then week one happened. They did get one part of the matchup for this game, though. New England’s version of Palpatine put on a defensive clinic against the Jets today. The running game was stuffed, and Zach Wilson ran a marathon in the backfield, trying to avoid getting sacked. The fortunate thing for New England is that they’re playing the Jets, so they will score no more than 10 points on offense without help. The Patriots, despite being offensively challenged as well, managed to keep their mistakes to a minimum and win a grind of a game in the swamps of Jersey. That’s now 15 straight against the Mistake at MetLife. How many more until they can file a claim to the Jets as property?
Panthers 27, Seahawks 37
Don’t be fooled by the high score. Most of the points from this game were in garbage time. The reality of this game was yet another tight, low-scoring game, with neither defense conceding much until the 4th quarter. Seattle had to get a couple of drives going late, and they had victory. Pete Carroll and company seem to have righted the ship after the disaster in week one against the Rams, and they spent the majority of the second half flexing their might on Carolina.
Bears 10, Chiefs 41
Taylor Swift is in attendance today to cheer on Travis Kelce. This means the Chiefs needed to face an opponent that would roll over and die for them. How about the Chicago Bears? They are the closest thing to a cupcake opponent you will get in this league. Kelce can pad his stats and find blank spaces in the end zone all day while his bird watches from the press box. The Chiefs win, and Chicago? They’re a hot mess right now. That Bears-Broncos game next week is going to be quite a spectacle. It might be automatically separated into something… greater. This season needs to calm down already. It’s getting to my head.
Cowboys 16, Cardinals 28
HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS! Leave it to Dallas to beat two respectable teams only to fall apart against the running joke of the NFL for the last 20 years. I know why Famous Jameis didn’t throw any picks up at Lambeau today. His glorious bakery was rented to Dak Prescott for today’s game. Two juicy turnovers produced today, including on a critical drive near the end of the game in the red zone. Dallas, that hope you were feeling after beating up on the two mistakes from Jersey? Gone. Welcome back to being a laughingstock, guys. We kept the seat warm for you guys.
Steelers 23, Raiders 18
If this was later in the season, this might automatically be relegated to tank bowl status as a complete tire fire. Unfortunately for the morbid of us, that is not the case. Both these teams are at .500 right now. The Steelers have been relying on one of the best defenses in the NFL to get them wins this season while the offense has sat their coattail riding. It happened again. Although the offense did things that didn’t involve choking today, they still looked unimpressive against a group without a great defense. The Raiders continue to disappoint against opponents not named the Broncos, as Josh McDaniels still isn’t on the hot seat because Mark Davis is unable to afford the contract buyout.
Eagles 25, Buccaneers 11
Tampa Bay, this is the game where you finally must face a real team and get exposed for your countless flaws. Despite the defense doing their best, it wasn’t close enough to bail out their atrocious offense on display. This offense is horrible. Baker can’t throw, the O line can’t block, the running game is going up the Matterhorn, and the receivers can’t get any separation. These kinds of games reinforce how bad the NFC South is, and whoever wins this sorry excuse for a division will just be fodder for a real team.
Rams 16, Bengals 19
These two teams played each other in the Super Bowl less than two years ago. With how bad both squads looked in primetime, you’d think this was a rematch of a Super Tank Bowl. Both offenses looked horrible for differing reasons. The Rams had a decent start, but then their linemen became turnstiles, and almost every one of their drives stalled out. For the Bungles, though, it was different. The offense looked out of sorts, and this wasn’t because of anything the Rams’ D was doing. Joe Burrow is injured and looks like he’s injured, and his wide receivers couldn’t catch a hold. Tee Higgins, in particular, chose to transplant abilities with Kadarius Toney and developed hands of stone. Congratulations, Bungles, you’ve got your first win. You looked horrible doing so, and I’m not ready to take them seriously at all yet. You’ve got a lot of work to do on the offensive side of the ball, and with Tennessee on the docket next week, they might not score a point with that O-line “protecting” Joe Burrow.
Laughingstock of the Week
Oh, right, I forgot I needed to do one of these now. This week had plenty to pick from. The finalists for the award are the Bears, the Broncos, and the Cowboys. All for obvious reasons. Enough said, the winner this week is the Denver Broncos! Their defense was so bad the opponent set records. It’s too bad. In a normal week, I would have loved to feature Dallas here. There’ll be other opportunities, though. It’s only week three. They haven’t got all the choking out of their system yet.
