Vikings 28, Eagles 34
I think this is the time to glare at Minnesota and their fans. The narrative in primetime is that Kirk Cousins can’t perform. Unfortunately, this doesn’t tell the entire story. Sure, Cousins looked a bit off in the 1st half, but he played a quality game and should be commended. The media doesn’t take a break, however. The defense bending like a rod in the 2nd half? Kirk’s fault. Said strong defense getting gashed for over 250 rushing yards? Kirk’s fault. Justin Jefferson being on a flytrap for most of the game, you know what’s going to be said. Too many mistakes were made by Minnesota. They were one step behind a struggling Eagles team for most of the game, and it showed in the final score, despite a spirited comeback effort by Cousins. Good to know Vikings fans are still in pain. It never changes up there, does it?
Ravens 27, Bengals 24
Behold, the first true test for Baltimore in this young season; the defending division champs. They passed with flying colors. Their defense, in particular, took a Cincinnati offense with sky–high potential and stuffed Joe Mixon for under 60 yards on the day. Baltimore won a close one in Cincy, and even worse for the Bungles, Joe Burrow tweaked his calf and wasn’t 100% in this game. Bungles, you may be in a load of trouble this year. Good luck getting your season back on track. As for Baltimore, they’re 2-0. I don’t know if I’m ready to take them seriously yet but consider me intrigued.
Seahawks 37, Lions 31 (OT)
Here’s the Seattle we expected at the start of the year. Much like last year’s game, Seattle marched into their second home in Ford Field and imposed their will on offense. The defense was a little sketchy, but Geno Smith managed to elevate his team enough to topple the Lions in their most hyped home opener possibly of all time. Seattle avoids a disastrous start, and Detroit? At least they played well on offense? It’s okay, the rest of the division didn’t do that well, either.
Colts 31, Texans 20
Well, this game’s going to be horrible. Two of the worst teams in the league competing for draft position, what a spectacle this is sure to be. Look at how they find new ways to embarrass, as Anthony Richardson gets concussed on his opening drive. This is where things took a turn, as Indy has no ordinary backup quarterback. Enter the man. The myth. The legend. Gardner Minshew. Gaze in awe at that spectacular mustache. Look at how he slings the ball in ways Richardson can’t. Minshew wrought so much destruction on Houston today that Texans fans were openly fighting in the stands. If I were Indy, I would keep this guy as the starter until Richardson develops a bit more. Minshew looked great today, against an admittedly soft opponent, but this is pretty good for a team that’s supposedly tanking this year.
Bears 17, Buccaneers 27
The good news for the Bucs is that they’re 2-0. The bad news is that they’ve played two of the worst teams in the league, and their offense has looked highly suspect so far. They are winning games due to sheer defensive will, against offenses that aren’t that reputable. Try the Bears. They have about two good quality players on offense, and Justin Fields could do nothing all day and looked as raw as ever as that Bucs’ defense ate him alive. The coup de gras, a game-sealing pick 6 from the goal line to put the game out of reach. You could have put the Illini out there and they would have done better than the Bears today. Tank season is in session, baby!
Chiefs 17, Jaguars 9
I don’t care what the scoreboard says, the Chiefs should be pressing the gigantic red panic button inside the Walrus’s nuclear bunker. They look horrible, particularly on offense. It generally helps when an offense has things like linemen that don’t jump offsides every play. Or receivers that can catch. At one point in this game, their leader in receptions was their left guard. It was that bad. Thankfully, their defense chose this week to have the game of their lives. Completely stuffing a potent Jacksonville offense and limiting them to field goals for most of the afternoon. The Chiefs still don’t look entirely themselves, but a win is a win. I’d be concerned about the flat offense, though.
Packers 24, Falcons 25
Welcome to Mercedes-Benz Stadium, where the offenses are hung out to dry and both defenses feast all game long. What really turned the tide in this match, however, was the Falcons running game. Bijan Robinson had yet another 100 yard game, rumbling for 124 to be exact and making Packer defenders look like middle school players. Atlanta soars to 2-0 as a result of this victory and looks like the class of their division so far. We’ll see how this holds up, however, once opposing teams get ahold of Robinson’s film.
Raiders 10, Bills 38
It’s a game involving the Bills after an embarrassing loss, so you know what must commence. Complete and utter slaughter. With this game, the Bills have now outscored their opponents by over 150 points in games following regular season losses since 2021, and this game was more of the same. The Raiders had about 1 week of believing Jimmy G was the answer before Buffalo’s defense removed the wool from their eyes and revealed that, yes, he is in fact a subpar quarterback. The Bills ate him alive today, and Josh Allen had a nice return to form, dicing up that practice squad defense for over 250 yards and 3 touchdowns. Good to see they’re back to beating the brakes off teams again. I missed that aspect of their game, you know.
Chargers 24, Titans 27 (OT)
Chargers gonna Charger. Even in a game where the offense once again performs great, that dam break of a Charger secondary decides to screw it all up, getting picked apart for almost 250 yards passing by Ryan Tannehill of all players. The same quarterback that the Saints held to almost nothing last week, yup, he torched that D like the Nashville skyline. Even worse, they kept with the tradition of losing on special teams by having a overtime field goal kicked on them for the win. The Chargers are now 0-2 and all 13 Charger fans now want Brandon Staley flung off Santa Monica Pier. At least they haven’t had SoFi invaded by an opposing fan base yet.
49ers 30, Rams 23
That dubious honor goes to their landlords, the Rams. In a rivalry game, in their home opener, mind you, the stands were dominated by the Scarlet and Gold of niner fans. Brock Purdy was incredibly efficient, and Christian McCaffrey rushed for so many big gains you’d think he was at the gym. Rams house? Hell no, San Fran has owned that stadium since the minute it was opened. That’s 9 straight regular season wins against LA for them now, dating back to when the Rams were in the Colosseum. I would feel bad, but I can’t due to who owns them. Sell the team, Kroenke.
Giants 31, Cardinals 28
The Giants are awful this year. I don’t care that they came back and won. They didn’t score a point in the entire first half once again, meaning that they gave up 60 unanswered points to start the season. A 20-0 hole at halftime. Wonderful. They should be thankful that they were playing the Cardinals and not a legit opponent, as a real team would have taken out that pathetic excuse of a performance 5 times over like the Cowboys did last week. The Giants got back into the game, and successfully booted the game-winning field goal, thus giving them hope even though they almost lost to the worst team in football. However, this victory is a pyrrhic one, as it comes at a staggering cost. Saquon Barkley. Out for 3 weeks with an ankle sprain. With how important he is to the offense and their tough schedule coming up, the Giants could realistically start 1-4. At least you’re not committed to Daniel Jones for the next 3 years. Right, guys?
Jets 10, Cowboys 30
In a time-honored tradition, the Cowboys take the field against a bunch of frauds on national television and send out the lions. Dallas dominated on both sides of the ball today, and the offense continued to hum along like a song. I think we found out today that the real key to making the Jets defense look good is Josh Allen. Without his generous giving away of the ball, the Jets’ D can’t stop a thing. This translated to their offense as well, which was horrendous without Rodgers once again today. 3 picks for Zach Wilson as the Mistake at MetLife could get nothing going for most of the game. Jets fans, I know you want to forget this game happened, so here’s some good news. Aaron Rodgers is eyeing an improbable return from his Achilles injury and may be back for the playoffs. Please happen.
Commandeers 35, Broncos 33
Leave it to that allegedly strong Denver defense to completely fall apart when their offense finally decides to wake up for a change. They were facing Sam Howell, their receivers are Terry McLaurin and a bunch of glorified refuse, and what do they do? Get picked apart for 35 points and over 385 yards. Even when the defense finally does its part to keep Denver in the game late, the offense goes back to sandbag mode. What’s a more Broncos way to lose a game than to complete a hail Mary with no time left, only to fail on the 2-point conversion. Complain about the missed pass interference all you want, Denver, but you didn’t deserve to win this one. See you next week when you do the same thing. You never learn.
Dolphins 24, Patriots 17
It’s a Sunday night game against a division rival that could be considered a must-win for the Pats considering what happened last week. Belichick doesn’t care about the risk, all of the back-of-the-playbook stuff is coming out tonight. Running starts on blocked field goals. Laterals to linemen on 4th downs, this game had it all. Unfortunately, this was only necessary because the Pats must resort to unconventional methods in order to score points. They lack a competent offense. Who knew that a guy who made Alabama’s offense look horrible last year would struggle at the NFL level again, I wonder why that is? Miami goes to 2-0 and looks like the class of the division so far. As for New England, the fans are growing restless. Old Bill is safe, but his coordinators? Less so.
Saints 20, Panthers 17
In what seems to be the traditional modus operandi for both of these teams, the only scoring that would get done for most of the game was field goals. This game almost put me to sleep. The only redeeming quality of this game was that the Saints won, and Chris Fowler called it instead of Steve Levy. Other than that, not much else to say.
Browns 22, Steelers 26
I think it says something when the Steelers have “Fire Canada” chants raining down in their stadium and they still win the game. This was one of the more preposterous displays of “football” that I have ever seen and epitomized every negative aspect of the NFL as a whole. Two lifeless offenses with Dirtbag commandeering one of them, combined with two stout defenses made for an awful game to watch. That Steelers offense was horrendous today, and they only won due to sheer defensive will. In fact, Dirtbag’s turnovers outscored them, and were the primary reason why they won the game. Speaking of Dirtbag, he had himself a game. A pick-6, a fumble returned for a touchdown, two face mask penalties on critical drives, and a litany of sacks. Pittsburgh may not be able to move a feather on offense, but they got a hefty bailout today from an otherworldly defensive effort. Even better, they face the Raiders next week, meaning they’ll probably be above .500.
