Do not let the World Series distract you from the glorious gospel of the Pigskin. Another week of football has come and gone. Let’s get on with it.

 

Buccaneers 18, Bills 24

Another week, another horrible primetime game for all of us to see. The Bills played down to their competition while Tampa played lower than the sewage system. The highlight of the game was probably Josh Allen coming out of the medical tent and carrying these overrated bums to victory. Even then, they still nearly choked again. The defense was frightfully bad in the final minutes of play, including on the hail Mary that ultimately won them the game. If Chris Godwin turns a second sooner on that final pass, the Bucs probably win. Alas, it’s yet another undeserved victory for the Bills, who will face a true test in the Bungles next week. We all know what happened the last time those two met at Paycor. The hope is that it won’t repeat itself.

 

Jets 13, Giants 10

The Battle of New York. The only thing this disaster of a game ever tells us is which coach is closer to being fired. Today, that coach was Brian Daboll. The offense was absolutely pathetic today. The Jets held them to -8 yards of total offense. -8. Let that sink in for a moment. It’s even more pathetic that the Giants were leading deep into the 4th quarter, again, with a net negative total on offense. With enough said, the G-men are in Jets territory and lining up for a field goal to take a 6-point lead with 24 seconds left. Graham Gano is money in these situations. Watch as he… misses a chip-shot to give the Jets life. This is where Zach Wilson realizes that, yes, he did have some pedigree going into the draft. He leads the Jets into field goal range as Greg Zuerlein boots the field goal to force overtime. The Jets would go on to win the game and are somehow 4-3 having won 3 straight with their backup quarterback. Giants, good game, but 2-6 is a hard hole to dig out of. Enjoy that majestic tank.

 

Jaguars 20, Steelers 10

Two teams with suspect offenses and strong defenses converging in a rain-soaked Pittsburgh to do battle with playoff implications. What a disaster of a game this was. If the Steelers had anything resembling a competent offense, they would have won this game. What they got instead was a Matt Canada masterclass. Completely dominated by the Jags’ defense all day long and unable to move a feather on offense when it mattered. Even worse, it looks like Kenny Pickett is going to be out for Thursday’s game against the Titans. I can hardly wait for that spectacle.

 

Eagles 38, Commanders 31

I think we’ve figured out the strategy to stop the Eagles and their potent attack. Put them up against a broken team with a horrible offense. For some reason, the Eagles always seem to struggle against Washington. Thankfully they won yet again, but the Commies had all of Philly scared brainless for a good portion of this game. Philly, enjoy yet another undeserved win against an opponent you should have crushed.

 

Rams 20, Cowboys 43

During this game, I stopped watching momentarily to go take a shower. When I left, it was 7-3 Dallas. When I returned 15 minutes later, the score was 26-3. I’m not going to mince words here, the Rams got absolutely smoked in a game they needed to win. Matthew Stafford got eaten alive by that Dallas defense all game long as Cooper Kupp got locked up for most of the game. That Dallas D once again almost rushed for as many yards as their opponent today. Dallas? Legit? Seems fake.

 

Vikings 24, Packers 10

The Vikings are back to .500 after completely owning the Packers last Sunday. Jordan Love was exposed once again against a resurgent defense looking for someone to beat up on after their first 4 weeks. However, this was a pyrrhic victory, as it came at a staggering cost- of Kirk Cousins’ Achilles tendon. Vikings, you’re screwed. Both teams lost today.

 

Falcons 23, Titans 28

Finally, it has happened. Arthur Smith has finally realized that Desmond Ridder is hot garbage and has benched him for Taylor Heinicke. It didn’t matter, though, as it was too little too late. Making his first career start, Will Levis was balling. It might have something to do with the Falcons being undermanned on defense, but the connection to Deandre Hopkins produced 3 touchdowns on the day to lead Tennessee to a potentially season-saving victory. Atlanta, just be lucky that the rest of your division is hot garbage. You shouldn’t be anywhere near the division lead.

 

Patriots 17, Dolphins 31

New England, your season has been a trainwreck so far. You got a breath of fresh air by beating the Bills last week. At least you might have a chance of upsetting your opponent this week? The Dolphins. Throw away all pretenses, the Pats are going to get straight up mauled. Miami cruised to victory despite a shaky first half thanks to Jaylen Waddle being near-uncoverable in the later parts of the game. The Dolphins have bounced back nicely after getting punched in the mouth by the Eagles last week and are now tied for the top spot in the conference once again.

 

Saints 38, Colts 27

New Orleans is coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Jags a week and a half ago, and now faces off against a fellow rebuilding team in the Colts. What a shocker, the Colts rummage their D to jump out to an early lead. This is when New Orleans remembers they still have talent on offense and storm back to take the lead at halftime. The Saints swung their mighty hammer of momentum in the second half, as they get a win that they desperately needed to keep pace in the NFC South. Even better, thanks to the Falcons’ loss, they are now tied for the division crown as well. God, this division is such trash and I love it.

 

Texans 13, Panthers 15

I don’t care about the score. I don’t care about how good or bad either team did. I need to have a chat with the entire Texans organization. You monsters robbed us of a glorious 0-17 by playing down to competition in heinous fashion. CJ Stroud looked like a complete bum today against a Carolina D that has been gashed the past few weeks. What was that about being competitive again? I think that claim got lost in Charlotte just like your offense did. Shameful.

 

Browns 20, Seahawks 24

The Dirtbag-less Browns take on their next true test: Facing off against Seattle on the road. Fortunately for Seattle, their defense managed to show up after a couple of shaky drives to secure the game with an interception. The Seahawks continue to defy the odds as they move into sole possession of the NFC West. San Francisco is a #5 seed. That’s a huge revelation.

 

Bengals 31, 49ers 17

This is the part of the year when the Bungles re-emerge from their underachieving swoon to go back to destroying worlds. Cincinnati marched into Santa Clara and imposed their will against an injured opponent on all sides of the ball. Brock Purdy didn’t look as bad as the previous 2 weeks, but he still looked as unready as ever as the Superteam around him couldn’t do a thing. That’s 3 straight losses going into the bye now. San Fran, you better get your act together because you’ve lost precious ground to Seattle for the division lead. That Dallas game seems like one of Aesop’s Fables to Niner fans now.

 

Chiefs 9, Broncos 24

So, what the hell happened here? Did I suddenly step into an alternate timeline where Patrick Mahomes regressed dramatically, and the offense can’t convert a 3rd down? It’s so weird to see Kansas City just look completely off and turn into absolute sheep dung against a mediocre opponent. The Broncos looked like the defending super bowl champs today. Chef Russ, of all people, was an absolute baller. Look out for these guys, they may have had a trainwreck start to the year, but they seem to be getting hot at the right time, along with a couple other teams. 10-7 is a realistic possibility with how pathetic the rest of their schedule is. Chiefs, get your act together. The last thing you need is the world laughing at you again.

 

Ravens 31, Cardinals 24

Writing about this game is just beating the dead horse that is Arizona. They kept to their usual script this week; keep it competitive for a little while, only to have their opponent pull away in the 2nd half thanks to their sheer lack of talent and some boneheaded turnovers. Baltimore’s defense kept them in check long enough to build up a good lead, and most of the Cardinals’ points came in garbage time. Like I’ve been saying, Arizona might be the best 1-7 team in the league. If Gannon had some actual talent down there, they would probably be .500.

 

Bears 13, Chargers 30

The Raiders lost to this. Against a real team, despite their struggles, Chicago looked as unready as ever as the Chargers completely laid into them from start to finish. LA was looking for someone to beat up on after the last two games, and they did so pretty convincingly. 3-4 isn’t that big of a hole to climb out of, but then again, these are the Chargers. They’ll find some way to screw it up.

 

Raiders 14, Lions 26

Detroit’s first home game in primetime since 2018. As I mentioned last week, the Raiders are good training wheels for a team trying to snap out of a funk. This meant that all Detroit needed to do was maintain some semblance of a pulse and they would have won this game. Despite looking uncharacteristically sloppy on offense for roughly the 4th week in a row, the Lions were able to capitalize on the sheer lack of an offensive attack by the Raiders. This game was nowhere near as close as the score says, thanks to some untimely turnovers on the part of Jared Goff and the offense. Detroit has now roared out to their best start since 2016 and looks to be in control of the NFC North for the time being. I personally can’t wait for Ford Field to host its first playoff game. That place is going to be electric.

Raiders don’t think you’re out of the woods yet. Mark Davis has seemingly reached his breaking point with this franchise’s current state and has decided to snap some necks. In the least surprising news of the week, Josh McDaniels has been deservedly fired not even a year and a half into his tenure in Vegas. Honestly, it’s completely deserved. The baffling play calls, horrendous game and clock management, starting Brian Hoyer over his promising rookie to imitate New England, and alienating nearly every good player on his roster made him a prime candidate for a pink slip. This guy single-handedly ran guys like Derek Carr and Chandler Jones out of town and was close to doing the same for Davante Adams as well. With the ringleader down, it’s time to clean some house. The offensive coordinator and GM? Gone. The interim head coach is their current linebackers coach who hasn’t even been a major coordinator past the high school level. He did play in the NFL for 9 years, but then again, look at how Jeff Saturday did last year and it’s proof that player experience is useless once you reach the coaching ranks. Raider fans have another reason to celebrate, too. Said linebackers coordinator turned interim coach has also told Jimmy Garoppolo to hit the pine. Aiden O’Connell is now the man under center for the Raiders. The fact that this wasn’t done sooner is a prime example of McFraud and his incompetent tenure.