It’s finally October. This is the time of year when the contenders begin to separate themselves from the pretenders, and the competitors for the first overall pick begin to reveal themselves. Two such teams met Sunday for a critical match. The prologue to a long season of action surrounding the draft order. TANK BOWL!

Let’s start by doing a quick refresher on the rules of Tank Bowl. Contrary to any athletic ambition, the goal is to lose the game. A hollow win in this game would be horrible for draft position, as both these teams are horrible and would likely be very close in the Tank Bowl standings. However, losing this game would be highly beneficial to whomever was able to do it Caleb Williams is a fine quarterback prospect, certainly better than the dumpster fires under center for both these teams. Let’s introduce the contestants.

First, the Denver Broncos. The narrative this offseason was that the reason for their terrible season last year was horrible coaching from the Hack. This year, the veil has been lifted to reveal the Broncos as a bad team. This might be a worse Broncos team than the one fielded last year. That vaunted defense that destroyed worlds last year gave up 70 points to the Dolphins and got gashed by a 3rd string running back. They gave up 35 to the Commies. They gave up actual points to the Raiders. Even when Denver scores more than 16 points, they still can’t win since the defense has been horrible. As a result, they came into this game at 0-3. But will it be enough to fail harder than their opponent?

The Chicago Bears. We knew they would be horrible this year, but none of us expected this. Their fans talked a lot before the start of the season. Offseason champions, a burgeoning young quarterback, star power. This is the year, they all said. They are correct, this is indeed the year. Unfortunately, it’s the year that they will likely break records for ineptitude. They entered their home opener as favorites and were relegated to the Packers’ property once again. Then, they went down to Tampa and revealed their offense to be incompetent. The next week, their defense would be similarly exposed as Kansas City scored 34 on them. In the 1st half. Their season highlight so far is playing a game with Taylor Swift in attendance. Justin Fields has morphed from a promising young quarterback into pure refuse. Unable to read routes, blaming his coaching, and turning into a diet Lamar Jackson. Their defense defends about as well as stadium security during a College Football field rush. They cannot stop a feather. Even worse, their organization has fallen apart at the seams. Their defensive coordinator resigned under dubious conditions. FBI raids on said coordinator’s home and team facilities. And to cap it all off, Soldier Field was broken into and had over $100,000 worth of equipment stolen from its garage. Rumor has it the offensive line was on the scene for the robbery but couldn’t stop the thieves just like most of the pass rushers they’ve faced this season.

As the game began, the lack of equipment didn’t seem to be an issue. However, the Bears’ defense was as they were walked all over for a quick touchdown by the power of Chef Russ. Justin Fields took this as a challenge. He needs to prove to the Bears top brass that they do not need Caleb Williams over him. Selfishly trying to save his job and ruining their master-crafted tank. Fields would reign supreme in that first half, showing flashes of brilliance and picking apart that dumpster fire of a defense for a 21-7 halftime lead.

They would march down the field on the opening drive of the 3rd quarter and score yet another touchdown. The rout is on. However, this is where the Bears realized something. They realized that to win this game would be to lose. The point of Tank Bowl is to lose the game. Thus, they adjusted their tactics to allow Denver an opportunity to make it a game. And they did. Under the power of Chef Russ and an awful defense, the Broncos crept back to get within a score. However, they were still down by 7 with 5 minutes to go. And Chicago has the ball. This is where Justin Fields realizes the true goal and gifts the ball to the Broncos’ defense to run it back for a touchdown. Tie game. But there’s still a chance. Fields gets the ball back and begins marching down the field, but they’re down to a 4th and 1 at the Broncos’ 20-yard line with a minute to go. Kick the field goal and go up by 3? No. The true goal of this game is to tank. They will go for it on 4th down- and get stuffed because of a predictable play call. Now Denver will get the ball and learn from the Bears’ mistakes by not going for it on 4th down and taking the points. Now down by 3 in the 4th quarter, Justin Fields must pull more heroics. He does – to save the tank. An interception to seal the game. The Broncos win the game, but the Bears win the tank.

Denver still has serious questions to answer. For a team that was projected to contend this year, they are having trouble winning games and scoring points. Chicago, meanwhile, falls to 0-4. Only one other team shares the same record: the Carolina Panthers. They play each other in week 11 on Thursday Night Football, the official broadcast network of Tank Bowl. However, the Super Tank Bowl must wait as the Bears must gear up in a short week for a match against the Washington Commanders. Also on Thursday Night Football. I can’t wait to watch that game.

Lions 34, Packers 20

I don’t know what to call this game other than a collective destruction of every Packer fan’s hopes and dreams. They were coming off a glorious comeback victory at Lambeau against the Saints, they had momentum. They even got an interception on the opening drive. That was the extent of their success in this game. The rest of the match commenced, and Detroit walked all over them for the next 55 minutes, granting the Packerena with the joys of locker room infighting and finger-pointing in the press conferences. Detroit has their best start to a season in 6 years, and the only real complaint about them is how they’re utilizing Jahmyr Gibbs. If they keep this up, they’ll make the playoffs. Now, watch them fall apart in the 2nd half of the season.

Falcons 7, Jaguars 23

Two up-and-coming franchises fighting for supremacy in this young season. It’s involving the Jaguars. What better setting for this match than in their home away from home in Wembley Stadium? Jacksonville utilized their home pitch advantage in this one to stomp all over the Falcons for the majority of the game. Their defense slammed the door for most of the game, and the offense did just enough to stave off another embarrassing loss. Next week, though, is the true test, as they will be welcoming yet another team to London in the Bills.

Rams 29, Colts 23 (OT)

This game was a tale of two halves for the Rams. In the first half, it was domination. The offense was rolling, the defense was standing tall, and the Rams were out to a 23-0 lead by the 3rd quarter. Should be over, right? Unfortunately, the art of the comeback in today’s NFL is all too common. In yet another game that wears the binding off the script, the Colts stormed back to make it a game and send it to overtime. This is where LA realized they had a game they needed to win and marched down the field on the opening drive of overtime to escape with a win they should have secured long before this. Rams, you got lucky. A real team would have taken out that pathetic excuse for a performance ten times over.

Ravens 28, Browns 3

It is with great joy that I announce that Dirtbag is injured and will not be playing in this game! His shoulder couldn’t get massaged in time for him to suit up. Thus, we get Dorian Thompson-Robinson under center. You know how this goes. Cleveland was unable to move a feather on offense today, and all Baltimore really needed to win was a couple of drives in the first half as the Ravens cruised to a win. Tough luck, Brownies. But hey, this good defensive player just hit the open market. I think he’s right up your alley, Cleveland. Do it, Haslam. Make us die of laughter yet again.

Vikings 21, Panthers 13

Minnesota looks horrible. It’s so bad I’m having trouble figuring out how they went 13-4 last year. Kirk looks awful, the defense is a leaky dam, and Justin Jefferson can’t carry the entire team like he did last season. This entire season so far is just a continuation of that Giants game. Sure, Minnesota may have escaped Carolina with a win in the end, but this was one that they should have won at least 5 times over before they ultimately did. Even worse for Carolina, though, Bryce Young is hurt. This is going to be a long year for you guys. 0-4 is a tough hole to climb out of.

Bengals 3, Titans 27

When everything is going crazy everywhere else, we at least have a reliable crutch that we can always laugh at…The Bungles. Look at them, escaping with a win at home against the Rams and thinking they’re hotshots again. Cincy owns the Titans, or so the narrative goes. This will be a cakewalk, they all said. Unfortunately, their team decided to turn the clock back about 5 years. Tennessee stomped all over them all game long. The Titans offense that got held to 94 total yards last week got over 400 today. Derrick Henry, who was held to 20 yards on 11 carries against the Brownies, rushed for over 100 today and even threw a touchdown. The Bungles are back to being a dumpster fire and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Good riddance.

Buccaneers 26, Saints 9

If Tampa Bay had a competent quarterback under center this year, they might have had a chance of being a good team. While the offense played dress-up as a football team for roughly the 4th time this year, the Bucs’ defense completely stuffed the Saints in the Superdome.  As a result, Tampa Bay now goes to 3-1 against mostly garbage teams. Really, Tampa Bay? I figured it would be Atlanta or New Orleans winning.

Dolphins 20, Bills 48

What I expected was a blowout and what we got was a blowout. On the opposite side of the pendulum. Buffalo tied up Mike McDaniel and the Dolphins and proceeded to defecate on them from the highest perch they could find. The problem for Miami wasn’t their offense, even though it played less than optimal today against an injured opponent. Their offense could have done something of note if their dam break of a defense hadn’t gotten torched by Allen and the bills. They were literally unable to make a stop. 48 points given up to an offense that has struggled against good defenses thus far this year. As a Bills fan, I am thrilled over this win. They utterly dominated a supposed contender in one of the biggest offensive spectacles of the day. They are back to going to the Super Bowl in my eyes, and they are now tied for the best record in the AFC as well. All is well in the galaxy.

Broncos 31, Bears 28

This kind of spectacle does not deserve such attention. At least not right now. Two horrible teams doing battle. You know what this means. Yes, THE SEASON’S FIRST TANK BOWL!

And that’s it. Let’s just say this game requires something… greater. It needs its own article.

Commanders 31, Eagles 34 (OT)

Coming off their biggest loss in roughly a few years, Washington was looking to make a statement this week against Philadelphia, and they did. Unfortunately, this statement did not involve winning. Despite keeping it close and giving the Eagles scares at times, the Commies were unable to finish the job when it really mattered, despite a furious comeback in the 4th quarter to tie the game on the final play of regulation. Philadelphia goes to 4-0, but a pretty weak one. As for Washington- well, they tried. They certainly put themselves on the map as a legit foe. The good news for them is their next opponent is openly tanking. Should be fun.\

Steelers 6, Texans 30

I expected Houston would win this game, but not in the manner that we did. Folks, we witnessed Sunday afternoon a statement of legitimacy by the Texans that proved the skirmish against Jacksonville wasn’t just a fluke. Against a Steeler defense that has single-handedly won games as of late, CJ Stroud sliced and diced them all day long. Their own defense was able to lock it down, but to be fair, even the Broncos D could stop Kenny Pickett. The result is a dominant Houston win that raises them out of the basement of their division.

Raiders 17, Chargers 24

In a surprising turn of events, not even 4 weeks into the season, Jimmy Garoppolo has already been sidelined with an injury. I know this is a stunning revelation. In his stead, Josh McDaniels has elected to start their rookie in Aidan O’Connell. He did what everyone expected, looking raw and unready as the Raiders coaching staff chucked him to the wolves. Even with a spirited comeback in the 4th quarter and another patented Staley overthinking session, the Chargers managed to escape with an undeserved victory. They’re back to .500 now, but what happens when they must face real teams? Just hope their defense does a tad bit better than putrid.

You know what else is a stunning turn of events? Yet another Raiders player is arrested early in the season. This time, it’s Chandler Jones. Jones has been away from the team since August and has been sending cryptic messages over Instagram to Mark Davis and Josh McDaniels, among others, expressing his frustration with the team. But none of that beats out what happened this week when Jones was arrested for repeatedly violating restraining order violations. The Raiders had been looking for an excuse to part ways with him for a while now, and now they have it. Unsurprisingly, he has been cut from the team. Why do star players go to the Raiders and immediately become headcases? What a joke of an organization.

Cardinals 16, 49ers 35

You know that scene from Gladiator when a bunch of prisoners are chucked into the arena to face off against wild animals? That was this game. After last week’s upset, San Francisco completely annihilated any hope Cards fans may have had. Brock Purdy was incredibly efficient yet again, and the defense kept the Cardinals’ offense largely in check until garbage time. San Francisco looks like the class of the NFL right now, and I’m not sure anyone can beat them if they keep playing like this. Fortunately for the rest of us, though, their team will probably resemble an injury ward in a few weeks just like every other year for them.

Patriots 3, Cowboys 38

I’m going to start calling the Patriots the politically correct football team if they keep playing like this. Why? No offense whatsoever. Or maybe it’s just Dallas overmatching them in every conceivable way. For the second time in 4 weeks, the Cowboys’ defense scored more points and rushed for more yards than their opponent. It’s strange seeing the Patriots just look completely horrible and turn into absolute sheep dung against real teams. Even Belichick’s baby Mac Jones was benched for Bailey Zappe during garbage time to get further lorded over. What a joke.

Chiefs 23, Jets 20

This game said a lot more about the Jets than it did about Kansas City. This game was projected to be a slaughter. In the early part of the game, it looked like that would come to fruition. However, Kansas City ran into a wall it could not penetrate for most of the remaining time. That wall’s name was the Jets defense. It was sturdy, relentless, and forced two turnovers off Mahomes near halftime to get the Jets back into the game. They tied the game on an efficient drive from Zach Wilson and a 2-point conversion. This is his time to shine. He has a chance to prove himself to the country with a legacy drive for the ages. Mahomes even threw another pick late in the 4th quarter to give the Jets a chance. But wait, nope, there’s a catch because it’s the Jets, and there’s always a catch. There was a defensive holding penalty, despite certain arguments, which not only negated the interception but allowed the Chiefs to convert a 3rd and 20 and burn off the rest of the clock. Game over. Jets, good game. But they don’t award brownie points in the standings.

Seahawks 24, Giants 3

Hey, Giants, maybe paying $160 million to a quarterback who can’t elevate his team over your superstar running back wasn’t a great idea after all, huh? Said 9-figure quarterback was arguably the main reason why the Giants lost this game, throwing 2 interceptions, fumbling, and tossing yet another pick-six. Seattle waltzes to a free win, as the Giants are now in freefall having lost 3 of their first 4. Brian Daboll is visibly frustrated with Jones, and more players are starting to show frustration in the locker room as the team is a trainwreck so far.

Laughingstock of the Week

The laughingstock of the week is special this time around. It’s the Los Angeles Chargers. Not only for continuing to employ the bum that is Brandon Staley but also for their asset management. For context, during the 2021-22 offseason, the Chargers signed free agent cornerback J.C. Jackson to a 5-year, $82 million deal after some stellar years with the New England Patriots. LA’s redheaded stepchild failed to realize that J.C. Jackson would morph into burnt toast. Not fitting into Staley’s defensive scheme, getting cooked by top wide receivers, and being a healthy scratch not even a year and a half into his megadeal. He’s being flipped back to the Patriots for a swap of day 3 draft picks. As a result, the Chargers not only revealed themselves to be incompetent but have also thrown away the $25 million signing bonus and an additional $15 million of guaranteed money. This Chargers season is a Megabus and Spanos is driving it straight off Santa Monica Pier. What a pathetic organization.

Giants 12, 49ers 30

There are still some who are unconvinced of the Niners and their might. Bring out the next poor sap to get destroyed on their hallowed turf. The football gods will go one step further and injure Saquon Barkley to sideline him for this game. His injury also eliminated any chance the Giants had of winning this game. The Niners were breathing down Daniel Jones’s neck the entire game, the latter proving his $40 million worth by throwing ducks and derping in ways that would make Eli proud. While it was competitive for three quarters, and it was the Niners, this is still a hollow feeling for fans of the Big Blue. Next week, they get Seattle at home. That’s about as must-win as it’ll get.

Falcons 6, Lions 20

Two emerging defenses and exciting offenses converge in the house that failure built for a tightly contested affair. In games like this, the offense who screws up less will win. And that team was Detroit. Goff wasn’t perfect, but he did enough to get the Lions a win, while Gibbs and the rest of that Lions backfield ripped off some crucial runs near the end of the game to seal victory. Atlanta had a chance to make a statement by upsetting the Detroit hype train but unfortunately came up short. Be comforted by the fact that your division did even worse this week.

Saints 17, Packers 18

If this game was any indication, New Orleans won’t be a player in the South for very long. For a while, this game was pure domination. The offense had done just enough against a strong Packer D, and the defense had cheeseheads calling for Kurt Benkart to start at quarterback. This was until Derek Carr got injured on the Lambeau turf. Enter the man, the myth, the legend. Famous Jameis! You know how this goes. Jameis didn’t make any turnovers today, but he did suck the life out of the Saint’s offense, as they could get nothing going in the 4th quarter. The Packers, meanwhile, used this as a dog whistle to get their act together. They slowly creep back into the game, as a touchdown and 2-point conversion put them in position to take the lead. But Jameis, though, has heart. He wants to eat that W no matter the cost. He marches the Saints down the field and puts them in position for a game-winning field goal as the kicker proceeds to whiff. Remember that Pro Bowl kicker you traded to Denver for peanuts to save a few bucks, New Orleans? He sure could have helped you here. Saints, you deserve this failure. Now, get back in the corner with the rest of the NFC South.

Chargers 28, Vikings 24

Two teams that enjoy nothing more than choking every week. Two teams with “coaching geniuses” at the helm who may be on the hot seat soon. You know what this means, boys and girls. The return of the ineptitude bowl!

This week’s marquee ineptitude bowl features resident inept coach Brandon Staley against a new challenger in the Ineptitude games in Kevin O’Connell. Throughout the game, these two Einsteins would prove that relegating this game to Ineptitude Bowl status was an excellent call. Horrible clock management. Tone-deaf play calling. 4th downs deep in your territory. If you wanted to see two teams completely overthink every situation, this game had it all. With enough said, the Vikings have the ball and are charging down the field with 2 minutes left- and turn it over on downs. The Chargers got the ball back but could not pick up a 1st down to seal the game. Brandon Staley is a man of genius, though. He will not only go for it on 4th down but have a genius play call behind it. All the cojones are coming out on this play. They line up to hike the ball, and the Chargers opt for a tunnel run up the middle against one of the best interior lines in football. This play was predictably blown up. Great, so the Vikings have it in prime field position with a chance to retake the lead. Fortunately for the Chargers, the opposing quarterback is Kirk Cousins. He cannot perform in the clutch. He throws an interception. Chargers, you got fortunate today. Be thankful you were playing Minnesota and not a real team.

Texans 37, Jaguars 17

Okay, Jags, this is an opportunity to make a statement to right the ship for your season. The Texans aren’t very good, and— what on earth are you guys doing? I thought you guys were beaten into shape by Pederson to restore the art of winning into you. And you’re laying eggs like this? In a game where they needed to win with their upcoming schedule, Jacksonville completely prolapsed and allowed one of the worst teams in the league to dunk on them for 60 straight minutes. The players are buying into the hype, Doug? Isn’t one of your jobs as head coach to fix that? You’d better, since the Texans are far from the best team you’ll face this season. Screw it on straight here, Jags.

Broncos 20, Dolphins 70

When he was on television a year ago, Sean Payton predicted that the Dolphins would bench Tua Tagovailoa at some point. Today, his prophecy came true. Tua was indeed pulled- after throwing for over 400 yards and four touchdowns and torching Payton’s vaunted defense for 56 points. In 3 quarters. Denver turned in perhaps their worst performance in five years today, even worse than the Christmas Day tank bowl against the Rams. Robbie Chosen scored a touchdown, of all people. Robbie Chosen. Let that sink in for a moment. The Broncos’ D was so bad the Dolphins set records. Before today, no team in the NFL had ever had five passing touchdowns and rushed for another 5 in the same game. The allegedly strong Denver defense made sure this stat was no more. Let Russ Cook? There’s a 5-alarm blaze in the kitchen because of him. There’s a lot more to fix in this organization than coaching. Honestly, I don’t think Sean Payton is much of an improvement over the previous regime.

Titans 3, Browns 27

Tennessee, did you enjoy your win last week against a self-destructing Chargers squad? Good, because now you get to face a real team! Or at least a real defense. The Titans marched into the Factory of Sadness and right into a buzzsaw this Sunday. Cleveland’s defense was so relentless that they held the Titans to under 100 yards of total offense and the main catalyst of their attack, Derrick Henry, to just 20 rushing yards on the day. Dirtbag and company did just enough without Nick Chubb in the fold on the offensive side of the ball, and Cleveland cruised to victory. Is it time to put Vrabel on the hot seat yet, Titans?

Bills 37, Commanders 3

Congratulations on your 2-0 start, Washington. Look at all the Commies fans talking about how this team can make the playoffs; so cute. Unfortunately, you now get to play a real team. The Bills went into Landover and wholly dominated on both sides of the ball. The Commies and Sam Howell didn’t even score points until garbage time. Speaking of Howell, he had his first true rookie game. It happens. It’s the usual growing pains when a QB misses reads and throws picks. However, this was something special. Four interceptions and sacked nine times behind an awful offensive line. Even better? It was nothing short of a home game for the Bills. The stands were dominated by the red and blue of the Mafia, as even under a new owner, the Commies still can’t prevent their FedEx dump from being overrun by opposing fans. Next week, you get Philadelphia. It’s not getting any easier.

Colts 22, Ravens 19 (OT)

Before I jump into my main point, I do have to address one crucial thing: Baltimore is once again injured to hell and back, not even three weeks into the season. Inactives for this game included Marlon Humphrey, Justice Hill, Odafe Oweh, OBJ, Marcus Williams, Ronnie Stanley, and others. However, this doesn’t account for my main observation from this game: Lamar has looked horrible this year. I don’t know if its defenses figuring him out or his physical style of play finally catching up to him, but many moments throughout this game left me wondering how this guy got a nine-figure contract this offseason. Indy kept the mistakes to a minimum despite being dominated in the trenches all day and managed to pull victory out of the rain with a superb performance from Matt Gay. Baltimore fans are now drowning themselves in the harbor over this.

Patriots 15, Jets 10

This was one of the worst football games I have ever seen. When Jim Nantz was assigned to call this game, it was because it would be Rodgers against Belichick. And then week one happened. They did get one part of the matchup for this game, though. New England’s version of Palpatine put on a defensive clinic against the Jets today. The running game was stuffed, and Zach Wilson ran a marathon in the backfield, trying to avoid getting sacked. The fortunate thing for New England is that they’re playing the Jets, so they will score no more than 10 points on offense without help. The Patriots, despite being offensively challenged as well, managed to keep their mistakes to a minimum and win a grind of a game in the swamps of Jersey. That’s now 15 straight against the Mistake at MetLife. How many more until they can file a claim to the Jets as property?

Panthers 27, Seahawks 37

Don’t be fooled by the high score. Most of the points from this game were in garbage time. The reality of this game was yet another tight, low-scoring game, with neither defense conceding much until the 4th quarter. Seattle had to get a couple of drives going late, and they had victory. Pete Carroll and company seem to have righted the ship after the disaster in week one against the Rams, and they spent the majority of the second half flexing their might on Carolina.

Bears 10, Chiefs 41

Taylor Swift is in attendance today to cheer on Travis Kelce. This means the Chiefs needed to face an opponent that would roll over and die for them. How about the Chicago Bears? They are the closest thing to a cupcake opponent you will get in this league. Kelce can pad his stats and find blank spaces in the end zone all day while his bird watches from the press box. The Chiefs win, and Chicago? They’re a hot mess right now. That Bears-Broncos game next week is going to be quite a spectacle. It might be automatically separated into something… greater. This season needs to calm down already. It’s getting to my head.

Cowboys 16, Cardinals 28

HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS! Leave it to Dallas to beat two respectable teams only to fall apart against the running joke of the NFL for the last 20 years. I know why Famous Jameis didn’t throw any picks up at Lambeau today. His glorious bakery was rented to Dak Prescott for today’s game. Two juicy turnovers produced today, including on a critical drive near the end of the game in the red zone. Dallas, that hope you were feeling after beating up on the two mistakes from Jersey? Gone. Welcome back to being a laughingstock, guys. We kept the seat warm for you guys.

Steelers 23, Raiders 18

If this was later in the season, this might automatically be relegated to tank bowl status as a complete tire fire. Unfortunately for the morbid of us, that is not the case. Both these teams are at .500 right now. The Steelers have been relying on one of the best defenses in the NFL to get them wins this season while the offense has sat their coattail riding. It happened again. Although the offense did things that didn’t involve choking today, they still looked unimpressive against a group without a great defense. The Raiders continue to disappoint against opponents not named the Broncos, as Josh McDaniels still isn’t on the hot seat because Mark Davis is unable to afford the contract buyout.

Eagles 25, Buccaneers 11

Tampa Bay, this is the game where you finally must face a real team and get exposed for your countless flaws. Despite the defense doing their best, it wasn’t close enough to bail out their atrocious offense on display. This offense is horrible. Baker can’t throw, the O line can’t block, the running game is going up the Matterhorn, and the receivers can’t get any separation. These kinds of games reinforce how bad the NFC South is, and whoever wins this sorry excuse for a division will just be fodder for a real team.

Rams 16, Bengals 19

These two teams played each other in the Super Bowl less than two years ago. With how bad both squads looked in primetime, you’d think this was a rematch of a Super Tank Bowl. Both offenses looked horrible for differing reasons. The Rams had a decent start, but then their linemen became turnstiles, and almost every one of their drives stalled out. For the Bungles, though, it was different. The offense looked out of sorts, and this wasn’t because of anything the Rams’ D was doing. Joe Burrow is injured and looks like he’s injured, and his wide receivers couldn’t catch a hold. Tee Higgins, in particular, chose to transplant abilities with Kadarius Toney and developed hands of stone. Congratulations, Bungles, you’ve got your first win. You looked horrible doing so, and I’m not ready to take them seriously at all yet. You’ve got a lot of work to do on the offensive side of the ball, and with Tennessee on the docket next week, they might not score a point with that O-line “protecting” Joe Burrow.

Laughingstock of the Week

Oh, right, I forgot I needed to do one of these now. This week had plenty to pick from. The finalists for the award are the Bears, the Broncos, and the Cowboys. All for obvious reasons. Enough said, the winner this week is the Denver Broncos! Their defense was so bad the opponent set records. It’s too bad. In a normal week, I would have loved to feature Dallas here. There’ll be other opportunities, though. It’s only week three. They haven’t got all the choking out of their system yet.