Broncos 8, Chiefs 19

Leave it to the Broncos to take a gift situation and completely defecate all over it, just like every other opportunity they get. The problem today wasn’t the defense, as they held the Chiefs to just 19 points. The issue was their offense. This offense was so bad today that watching it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Only 8 points against that defense? The same one that got torched by the Jets? Sean Payton, here’s your one-way ticket straight to the land of you’re fired. You are horrible. 1-5 is a tough hole to climb out of. Broncos’ country: let’s ride.

Ravens 24, Titans 16

Oh boy, yet another London game where both teams completely fall apart at different points in the game. The good news for Baltimore is that they managed to knock Ryan Tannehill out of the game, so their trademark second-half collapse didn’t hurt them all that much. Tennessee just looked flat. Their offense was anemic, and the defense gave up swaths of yardage to Lamar and Baltimore’s offense. Tennessee is now in freefall. 2-4 and they still have to play the Jags twice. This team is on the ledge. Of the Grand Canyon.

Panthers 21, Dolphins 42

The good news for Carolina is that they managed to keep it competitive for a half. I will admit, you did have me ready to celebrate with that 14-0 lead in the 1st quarter. The bad news is everything else. For the second straight week, the Panthers’ defense got owned by an offense far above their pay grade. Tyreek Hill put their entire secondary through an industrial wash. After the first two drives, the Dolphins adjusted and Bryce Young and his mediocre compadres could go nowhere. Onward to 0-17, Carolina! I would tell you guys to tank, but you guys are idiots and traded your first round pick to Chicago. Who could have predicted this turning out horrible? I’m shocked. That Thursday night match against the Bears is going to be a showdown.

Saints 13, Texans 20

Two fringe playoff teams doing battle in a city that doesn’t even care about football right now thanks to Altuve and his army of trash cans. The regression to the mean for New Orleans continued today, as they were one step behind Houston for most of the game. I must say, the Texans have impressed me so far. CJ Stroud still has a long way to go, but they’ve insulated him with a stout defense and good offensive weapons. He’s not Zach Wilson, and that’s a testament to their structure. Whether or not it leads to a playoff berth remains to be seen, but consider me intrigued.

Commanders 24, Falcons 16

This is one of those games where a young quarterback just doesn’t have it. Desmond Ridder had his first terrible game in the NFL today. The Commies’ defense feasted on sacks and turnovers all game long as Sam Howell and the offense did just enough to stave off a sub .500 record. In fact, Washington, you’re in luck, since you play the Giants next week! Enjoy your free win to 4-3, Commies!

Colts 20, Jaguars 37

Gardner Minshew is returning to the land that made him a meme legend. He’s got a lot of memories on that hallowed turf. Unfortunately, he cannot win today. He is on the Colts. Whenever they make the trek to Jacksonville, they are afflicted with a horrible curse. It happened again today, as the Jags put them in a sleeper hold that they never broke. 31-6 before the Colts even bothered to wake up. It’s panic time, Indy, especially since they’re saying Anthony Richardson will be out for the year thanks to shoulder surgery. Pack it up, boys.

Seahawks 13, Bengals 17

Cincinnati is the luckiest team in football right now. When their ballyhooed offense falls apart in the first few weeks, their defense all of a sudden plays like they’re the ‘85 bears. The next victim of this realization is Seattle. Geno Smith returned to 2017 form today by getting nothing going all game long. Despite the offense doing mostly nothing for roughly the 4th week in a row, they still managed to pull out a win and get back to .500. However, their next game is the true test.

Vikings 19, Bears 13

It’s a game involving the Bears and they’re playing a bad team. You know what this means. TANK BOWL!

It’s the classic Minnesota-Chicago rivalry, where the Vikings go into Chicago and stink it up on offense but still escape with a win. It happened again today. Justin Fields was put to the torch for the 6th week in a row, as Minnesota did just enough to escape with the ugly W. They’ve got a tough schedule coming up, though, and they still have to play the Lions twice. They also have the glorious privilege of getting to play San Fran next week, too. 8 losses is a realistic possibility. For a team that went 13-4 last year, that’s a remarkable fall from grace. I’d just surrender the division to Detroit at this rate.

49ers 17, Browns 19

We now see what Brock Purdy becomes when you take away every single one of his weapons. To be fair, prime Tom Brady would have struggled in this offense today with how many injuries they had. Cleveland’s defense didn’t help matters either. And to cap it all off? Jake Moody pushed a 41 yarder to win the game and gave Cleveland a victory. And this wasn’t even against Dirtbag, either. Try PJ Walker. The Niners lost to PJ Walker. That’s how you know this season is messed up.

Patriots 17, Raiders 21

I have a question. Why was Jim Nantz calling this game? They couldn’t have switched him to, say, Seattle-Cincinnati? This game was an absolute snooze. Both teams kept gifting each other prime opportunities, only to give the football away yet again. New England finally scored a touchdown today. For the first time in over 8 quarters. In fact, they even scored another one late in the 4th quarter! Unfortunately, they stalled for a safety on their final drive and couldn’t solve the Raiders defense. For reference, the Raiders defense consists of Maxx Crosby and a bunch of glorified refuse. New England is now in the pit of despair. 1-5 and their next two opponents are Buffalo and Miami. I’m going to vicariously enjoy watching them lose again.

Lions 20, Buccaneers 6

Today, we got further affirmation that the Detroit Lions are a serious contender. Going into Tampa Bay, they not only solved their labyrinth of a defense, but also completely stuffed an opponent for the 3rd time this season. Aiden Hutchinson had yet another great game, and Detroit turned on the jets in the second half to get them out to their best start in 12 years. I know they’ve had a pathetic schedule excluding Kansas City, but 5-1 is nothing to scoff at. Next week, though, is the true test. Good luck, Detroit. We’re all counting on you.

Cardinals 9, Rams 26

Today, we learned a brutal lesson about the NFL; no matter how much effort you put in, cold, hard talent will usually prevail. We saw that this week at SoFi Stadium. Despite an early scare, the Rams managed to put together a couple quality drives in the 4th quarter to pull away for good. For Arizona, it’s the typical weaknesses that haunt them. They fight hard, but lack star power on both sides of the ball to take them over the top. 1-5 is not indicative of this team’s ability, but there they are.

Eagles 14, Jets 20

The Jets may lack things like good luck, the favor of the refs, and a competent quarterback, but boy, are they capable of playing spoiler. This game followed a similar script to their opening scrum against Buffalo. The offense moved at a snail’s pace, while the defense balled out and made about 15 splash plays to bail everybody out. 3 interceptions of Jalen Hurts and 4 total turnovers, including the critical pick on Philly’s penultimate drive to set them up for the go-ahead touchdown. The Jets may have pulled off the upset, but it’s time to celebrate for another reason. The last undefeated team has fallen. The remaining members of the 1972 Dolphins pop champagne and get their one day of relevance. Jets fans, here’s some more good news. Aaron Rodgers is eyeing a late season return, possibly as early as week 15. You might not have to rely on your defense to go unconscious every game for much longer.

Giants 9, Bills 14

This was a game. I’ll leave it at that. There’s no way I can do this game justice in a normal recap segment. It’s getting separated. Yes, I know the Bills won, I don’t care. They played like excrement and need their own article.

Cowboys 20, Chargers 17

Constantly being on social media makes me forget that the Cowboys are actually a good team. That was put on display in Primetime in front of a crowd of mostly Dallas fans. In LA. In case you thought the Raider fan invasion was bad. But enough about Dallas and media attention, though, since it’s time for the main event.

The Northwood Mirror proudly presents: A lesson in taking the points, featuring established genius Brandon Staley.

Brandon Staley is a complete hack. And this game proved it. When will this man learn to just take the points? He did better this week in that on the failed 4th downs he put it in Herbert’s hands, but at what cost? The Cowboys Defense shut them down nearly every time they tried on 4th down. I won’t call this an exposure of LA, but more of an affirmation of growing suspicions. They’re 2-3 early in the season, and they get no favors as they face Kansas City next week. They’re in serious trouble, and I just don’t trust their regime to fix it. I’ll leave them to think about it.

Laughingstock of the Week

I know I said I was separating the Giants-Bills game into its own article. That doesn’t mean I can’t reference things that happened in that game. This week’s laughingstock of the week is the entire Giants offense, particularly for the disaster that was their final drive of the 1st half. They got to the goal line with 14 seconds left and no timeouts. They have two options. Either take the points and kick a field goal, or take a shot at the end zone, passing the ball so that they can get another play or two. No, the Giants chose option C. A tunnel run up the middle? When they had no timeouts with 14 seconds left? Mike Tirico said it best on the broadcast. That was horrible clock-management by the G-men on that drive, and it cost them the game. Well done.