The Mirror

The student-run newspaper of Northwood School in Lake Placid.

by: Gus GarveyPosted on:

NFL: Week 5 Recap

Another week of wonderful football has come and gone. Despite the playoff baseball going on (yes, I’ll get to covering that soon), our attention must turn to the real events taking place nationwide. Here goes.

 

Bears 40, Commanders 20

Oh boy, here we go, the NFL putting the worst team in the league in Primetime yet again. The commies aren’t great, but they should make quick work of this ragtag mob at home. This should be a massacre. Wait a minute, what? The Bears are the ones doing the massacring? What kind of drugs is this game on? There’s playing down to your competition and then there’s digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Ron Rivera should have been on the unemployment line yesterday. Even worse was the circumstances surrounding this game. The Bears won. For the first time in over a year. They had lost 15-straight to be exact. Those monsters also robbed us of 0-17. We must now hope and pray that Carolina keeps on sucking to accomplish the goal.

 

Jaguars 25, Bills 20

Yet another London game. Jacksonville, congratulations! You and your 13 fans are officially the first NFL team to play back-to-back games in London! The game played out as such. No, I’m not going to separate this game because the Bills lost. That doesn’t do this game justice. What does, though? THE RETURN OF THE INJURY BOWL!!!

The first injury comes in the form of everyone wearing blue sleepwalking into Tottenham for the game, as for some reason the Bills didn’t arrive in Crumpetland until Friday. As a result, the entire team just looked flat against a Jags team that had been there for over a week. Josh Allen looked off, the running game couldn’t get going, and most drives ended in coverage sacks and punts. But here’s where the real fun begins. Begin the injury report for Buffalo! Matt Milano out for the year. DaQuan Jones copy-pasting Milano’s injury. Dion Dawkins in visible pain on the sidelines. Taron Johnson and Von Miller are experiencing cramps. You thought the preseason was bad, oh boy, the football gods decided to up the ante tenfold today. Despite all the injuries, the defense still held its own against an offense oozing potential like the Jags. The offense, despite not being broken on the wheel like their defensive counterparts, did not reciprocate, with Ken Dorsey’s play calling resembling someone trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. It was only so long until the dam broke to Jacksonville’s potent running game. The score is deceiving, as most of Buffalo’s points came in garbage time when the Jags were in prevent. This just feels like an opportunity lost. I’m not even mad, I just feel… empty. I’ll just take solace in the fact that the Bills have a pathetic schedule coming up and could probably win 5 or 6 straight. We Bills fans have to grasp at straws here.

 

Saints 34, Patriots 0

I’ve been waiting a long time to say this. For the first time in my life, the Patriots are in tank bowl territory. You want to know how bad it is for New England? They haven’t scored a point in over 7 quarters. The problem for the Pats wasn’t just the offense, either, although that’s not discounting any of the turnovers committed today by New England. That defense is a trainwreck right now. Both Matthew Judon and Christian Gonzalez are out for a while, and that was the cue for the rest of the defense to just stop caring about football. They gave up 27 points to the Saints. For reference, the Saints in their last 2 games had combined for 26. That’s alarming levels of ineptitude, and it doesn’t get any easier as they face the Bills and Dolphins in the coming weeks. I forgot to mention this game was at Foxboro, too. Whose head do they call for now? Mac Jones? Bill O’Brien? Maybe even Belichick? Who knows at this point? Saints, you have your statement win. Now go prepare for Houston.

 

Titans 16, Colts 23

Tennessee against Indianapolis early in the season. These games are always a toss-up, and this game was no different. This rendition involved the young, flashy quarterback at the helm for Indy. While the Colts may have won, Richardson was once again injured in this game and might be out for a little while. It’s okay, Minshew is a pretty good backup. Just don’t completely fall apart like you did last year and you’ll be good.

 

Ravens 10, Steelers 17

When you see the score of this game, you’d think it was somewhat normal, at least by AFC North standards. However, this is deceiving. This was not a normal game. Baltimore roared out to an early 10-0 lead but were stalled in the red zone due to the receivers not being able to catch. The Steelers, meanwhile, did their traditional thing of doing nothing on offense and even going backwards on some occasions. Deep into the 2nd half, the score would remain 10-3. The Ravens offense got caught in quicksand and the Steelers hadn’t even been out of it yet. This is usually the part of the game where the defense shows up and bails out Pittsburgh for yet another undeserved win. However, it wouldn’t be the defense, but the special teams. A blocked punt out of the endzone for a safety led to a score of 10-5. Followed by a field goal to cut the deficit to 2. We have a 10-8 ballgame. Even better, Baltimore was forced to punt again, but Gunner Olszewski coughed up the ball and reinforced his case for the unemployment line. This is where the defense finally transformed from a good D to destroyer of worlds. An interception off Lamar in the end zone. This is where the offense finally frees itself from the quicksand by means of an audibled play call by Kenny Pickett for a long touchdown. Then the defense finishes the job with a strip sack of Lamar to seal the game. This game said a lot more about Baltimore than it did about the Steelers. Their offense is hot garbage. The receivers can’t catch a cold, and the defense can only carry for so long before everyone gets injured again. Now they must fly to London for a probable injury bowl with the Titans. This could get ugly.

 

Panthers 24, Lions 42

With Chicago now having won a game, all eyes are now on Carolina in the hope that they will achieve immortality by going 0-17. Detroit did their part by completely dominating their foe on all sides of the ball. You know what the Ottomans would do to political prisoners? That’s how this game went for Carolina. Detroit looks like the class of their division as many of us predicted, and as for Carolina? Do I root for Bryce Young, or do I root for 0-17? You already know which one I’m going to pick.

 

Texans 19, Falcons 21

You know things are messed up this year when Houston against Atlanta is the most even matchup of the afternoon. Two up-and-coming teams with young quarterbacks and strong defenses. Throughout the game, the two sides would engage in some quality football- if you like defense. Both defenses feasted today, but Atlanta managed to wriggle free in the end thanks to a Koo field goal to stay above .500. Houston played well, but these are the growing pains for a young quarterback. CJ Stroud has looked very good so far and will only get better as time goes on. There’s promise down there.

 

Giants 16, Dolphins 31

Miami, reeling after their first loss, needed someone to beat up on and flex their might. They need to bring some weak cannon fodder into their arena to pad their stats and delude their fans into thinking they’re going to the super bowl. This is where the Giants come into play. In the friendly confines of South Florida, New York looked completely out of sorts and overmatched on both sides of the ball. The offense did nothing, yet again, and the D opened the floodgates to allow the Fins to walk all over them for stretches of play. Even worse, Daniel Jones was injured. It’s sad when Tyrod Taylor, a guy who hasn’t had a regular starting role in 7 years, is running the offense significantly better than the guy the Giants gave $160 million to this offseason. They should honestly just start Tyrod for a game or two to see what they have in him. The season is lost; might as well just experiment.

 

Bengals 34, Cardinals 20

I don’t care about the final score of this game, the Bungles still look pathetic and had trouble taking out a horrible team in Arizona. The entire team just looks flat. Burrow looked off, the defense was suspect in the first half, and the Cards kept it competitive for 3 quarters despite a significant talent disadvantage. The tanks roll on for Arizona, as Cincy gets lucky yet again.

 

Eagles 23, Rams 14

This is one of those games where, unfortunately, one team must lose. Both teams played valiantly, and this was easily the best game of the 4PM window. Cooper Kupp returned for the Rams today, and he caught everything in sight before Philly finally pulled away in the 4th quarter. Despite Philly beating the first real team they’ve faced this year, they still have their doubters. However, my concern is that they’re 5-0 and they haven’t even played their best ball yet. Their high-water mark has yet to be reached.

 

Chiefs 27, Vikings 20

This was one of the most blatant displays of refball I’ve ever seen. For the 2nd week in a row, Kansas City got bailed out of a bad game by their strongest ally: Zebras. Most of the game was straightforward, the Vikings kept it close and even led at times until KC managed to pull ahead in the 4th quarter. This is where the magic begins. The Vikings are within 7 and are driving to tie the game. They get to the Chiefs’ 30-yard line but are down to a 4th and 12. They throw a fade to Jordan Addison, and it’s incomplete, but there’s a flag. However, the refs pick it up and don’t call a thing on the play. Understandable, seemingly, since it was an uncatchable ball. That doesn’t tell the entire story, however. For one, Cousins got murdered in the backfield after he threw the ball. That should have been roughing the passer. You can’t tell me that isn’t roughing the passer after the love tap on Josh Allen in the London game was called roughing. Also, one of his blockers, the fullback CJ Ham, nearly got his face ripped off by a Chiefs pass-rusher. The penalty for that is also of the 15-yard variant and, if called, would have given Minnesota a 1st down. No flag in sight for that, either. And to cap it all off? L’Jarius Sneed, the Chiefs player who was initially called for the penalty, took his helmet off when he went to complain to the refs. Not only did he take his helmet off, but he did so on the field of play. That should have been a penalty, too. Minnesota got completely hosed here, and KC pays the refs off for yet another undeserved victory. Shameful.

 

Jets 31, Broncos 21

Oh boy. Where do I even start with this game? The closest comparison I can make to this game is two drunk idiots squaring up in a back alley. The fight itself is horrible and some bum is recording it for a DVD. That was this game. The Jets managed to screw up less and claim victory thanks to stout defense and handless players in the case of Denver. Speaking of Denver, they now fall into the pit of despair at 1-4. Next week, they get Kansas City. Not going to get any easier, guys.

 

Cowboys 10, 49ers 45

Game of the week? The Niners certainly didn’t think so, as they turned this game into the Sunday Night Slaughter. Micah Parsons spent the week leading up to this game trash-talking. San Fran took this as a challenge. Every single strength of the Cowboys was neutralized, and every weakness torn open and exploited as the Niners cruised to victory. Brock Purdy is playing on an MVP level right now, and George Kittle had 3 touchdowns while wearing possibly the greatest shirt of all time (which I cannot include in this article, regrettably). As for Dallas, I wouldn’t panic. Dallas is good, but San Fran is a juggernaut. No shame in getting destroyed by them, especially this early in the year. They’ll have time to figure it out.

 

Packers 13, Raiders 17

Jimmy G playing spoiler for a crowd of mostly Packer fans in a primetime game. Now where have I seen this before, oh right, that’s every other time he’s faced them. The Raiders themselves didn’t break any records today. This game was delivered to them on a silver platter by the Packerena screwing up. How does it feel to not have a good quarterback to lean on as a crutch, Green Bay? Jordan Love had his first terrible game in the NFL, throwing 3 picks and being mostly useless against a pretty bad Raider defense. Let’s just say he’s got some work to do. Even then, Green Bay was still in the game till the very end, thanks to Las Vegas continuing to screw up every time they had the ball. Can we just revoke the Raiders’ win and give it to Minnesota? They deserve it a hell of a lot more than these bums do.

 

Laughingstock of the Week

Boys and girls, you know what time it is, it’s time for the illustrious Laughingstock of The Week! This week, we don’t have a particular team, but a member of one. Specifically, the head coach. Sean Payton, the head coach of the Denver Broncos. This offseason, after taking over the Broncos’ head coaching job, Payton went on record saying that current Jets O-coordinator Nathaniel Hackett’s coaching tenure in Denver was “one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.” Guess what happened. His vaunted defense got picked apart for 24 points by a Nathaniel Hackett-led offense. Thus, Hackett got the ultimate revenge: winning. I think he’s pretty happy where he is right now.

The Northwood Mirror

The student-run newspaper of Northwood School in Lake Placid

Sports

NFL: Week 5 Recap

Another week of wonderful football has come and gone. Despite the playoff baseball going on (yes, I’ll get…

By Gus Garvey

Listen Read this article aloud

Another week of wonderful football has come and gone. Despite the playoff baseball going on (yes, I’ll get to covering that soon), our attention must turn to the real events taking place nationwide. Here goes.

 

Bears 40, Commanders 20

Oh boy, here we go, the NFL putting the worst team in the league in Primetime yet again. The commies aren’t great, but they should make quick work of this ragtag mob at home. This should be a massacre. Wait a minute, what? The Bears are the ones doing the massacring? What kind of drugs is this game on? There’s playing down to your competition and then there’s digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Ron Rivera should have been on the unemployment line yesterday. Even worse was the circumstances surrounding this game. The Bears won. For the first time in over a year. They had lost 15-straight to be exact. Those monsters also robbed us of 0-17. We must now hope and pray that Carolina keeps on sucking to accomplish the goal.

 

Jaguars 25, Bills 20

Yet another London game. Jacksonville, congratulations! You and your 13 fans are officially the first NFL team to play back-to-back games in London! The game played out as such. No, I’m not going to separate this game because the Bills lost. That doesn’t do this game justice. What does, though? THE RETURN OF THE INJURY BOWL!!!

The first injury comes in the form of everyone wearing blue sleepwalking into Tottenham for the game, as for some reason the Bills didn’t arrive in Crumpetland until Friday. As a result, the entire team just looked flat against a Jags team that had been there for over a week. Josh Allen looked off, the running game couldn’t get going, and most drives ended in coverage sacks and punts. But here’s where the real fun begins. Begin the injury report for Buffalo! Matt Milano out for the year. DaQuan Jones copy-pasting Milano’s injury. Dion Dawkins in visible pain on the sidelines. Taron Johnson and Von Miller are experiencing cramps. You thought the preseason was bad, oh boy, the football gods decided to up the ante tenfold today. Despite all the injuries, the defense still held its own against an offense oozing potential like the Jags. The offense, despite not being broken on the wheel like their defensive counterparts, did not reciprocate, with Ken Dorsey’s play calling resembling someone trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. It was only so long until the dam broke to Jacksonville’s potent running game. The score is deceiving, as most of Buffalo’s points came in garbage time when the Jags were in prevent. This just feels like an opportunity lost. I’m not even mad, I just feel… empty. I’ll just take solace in the fact that the Bills have a pathetic schedule coming up and could probably win 5 or 6 straight. We Bills fans have to grasp at straws here.

 

Saints 34, Patriots 0

I’ve been waiting a long time to say this. For the first time in my life, the Patriots are in tank bowl territory. You want to know how bad it is for New England? They haven’t scored a point in over 7 quarters. The problem for the Pats wasn’t just the offense, either, although that’s not discounting any of the turnovers committed today by New England. That defense is a trainwreck right now. Both Matthew Judon and Christian Gonzalez are out for a while, and that was the cue for the rest of the defense to just stop caring about football. They gave up 27 points to the Saints. For reference, the Saints in their last 2 games had combined for 26. That’s alarming levels of ineptitude, and it doesn’t get any easier as they face the Bills and Dolphins in the coming weeks. I forgot to mention this game was at Foxboro, too. Whose head do they call for now? Mac Jones? Bill O’Brien? Maybe even Belichick? Who knows at this point? Saints, you have your statement win. Now go prepare for Houston.

 

Titans 16, Colts 23

Tennessee against Indianapolis early in the season. These games are always a toss-up, and this game was no different. This rendition involved the young, flashy quarterback at the helm for Indy. While the Colts may have won, Richardson was once again injured in this game and might be out for a little while. It’s okay, Minshew is a pretty good backup. Just don’t completely fall apart like you did last year and you’ll be good.

 

Ravens 10, Steelers 17

When you see the score of this game, you’d think it was somewhat normal, at least by AFC North standards. However, this is deceiving. This was not a normal game. Baltimore roared out to an early 10-0 lead but were stalled in the red zone due to the receivers not being able to catch. The Steelers, meanwhile, did their traditional thing of doing nothing on offense and even going backwards on some occasions. Deep into the 2nd half, the score would remain 10-3. The Ravens offense got caught in quicksand and the Steelers hadn’t even been out of it yet. This is usually the part of the game where the defense shows up and bails out Pittsburgh for yet another undeserved win. However, it wouldn’t be the defense, but the special teams. A blocked punt out of the endzone for a safety led to a score of 10-5. Followed by a field goal to cut the deficit to 2. We have a 10-8 ballgame. Even better, Baltimore was forced to punt again, but Gunner Olszewski coughed up the ball and reinforced his case for the unemployment line. This is where the defense finally transformed from a good D to destroyer of worlds. An interception off Lamar in the end zone. This is where the offense finally frees itself from the quicksand by means of an audibled play call by Kenny Pickett for a long touchdown. Then the defense finishes the job with a strip sack of Lamar to seal the game. This game said a lot more about Baltimore than it did about the Steelers. Their offense is hot garbage. The receivers can’t catch a cold, and the defense can only carry for so long before everyone gets injured again. Now they must fly to London for a probable injury bowl with the Titans. This could get ugly.

 

Panthers 24, Lions 42

With Chicago now having won a game, all eyes are now on Carolina in the hope that they will achieve immortality by going 0-17. Detroit did their part by completely dominating their foe on all sides of the ball. You know what the Ottomans would do to political prisoners? That’s how this game went for Carolina. Detroit looks like the class of their division as many of us predicted, and as for Carolina? Do I root for Bryce Young, or do I root for 0-17? You already know which one I’m going to pick.

 

Texans 19, Falcons 21

You know things are messed up this year when Houston against Atlanta is the most even matchup of the afternoon. Two up-and-coming teams with young quarterbacks and strong defenses. Throughout the game, the two sides would engage in some quality football- if you like defense. Both defenses feasted today, but Atlanta managed to wriggle free in the end thanks to a Koo field goal to stay above .500. Houston played well, but these are the growing pains for a young quarterback. CJ Stroud has looked very good so far and will only get better as time goes on. There’s promise down there.

 

Giants 16, Dolphins 31

Miami, reeling after their first loss, needed someone to beat up on and flex their might. They need to bring some weak cannon fodder into their arena to pad their stats and delude their fans into thinking they’re going to the super bowl. This is where the Giants come into play. In the friendly confines of South Florida, New York looked completely out of sorts and overmatched on both sides of the ball. The offense did nothing, yet again, and the D opened the floodgates to allow the Fins to walk all over them for stretches of play. Even worse, Daniel Jones was injured. It’s sad when Tyrod Taylor, a guy who hasn’t had a regular starting role in 7 years, is running the offense significantly better than the guy the Giants gave $160 million to this offseason. They should honestly just start Tyrod for a game or two to see what they have in him. The season is lost; might as well just experiment.

 

Bengals 34, Cardinals 20

I don’t care about the final score of this game, the Bungles still look pathetic and had trouble taking out a horrible team in Arizona. The entire team just looks flat. Burrow looked off, the defense was suspect in the first half, and the Cards kept it competitive for 3 quarters despite a significant talent disadvantage. The tanks roll on for Arizona, as Cincy gets lucky yet again.

 

Eagles 23, Rams 14

This is one of those games where, unfortunately, one team must lose. Both teams played valiantly, and this was easily the best game of the 4PM window. Cooper Kupp returned for the Rams today, and he caught everything in sight before Philly finally pulled away in the 4th quarter. Despite Philly beating the first real team they’ve faced this year, they still have their doubters. However, my concern is that they’re 5-0 and they haven’t even played their best ball yet. Their high-water mark has yet to be reached.

 

Chiefs 27, Vikings 20

This was one of the most blatant displays of refball I’ve ever seen. For the 2nd week in a row, Kansas City got bailed out of a bad game by their strongest ally: Zebras. Most of the game was straightforward, the Vikings kept it close and even led at times until KC managed to pull ahead in the 4th quarter. This is where the magic begins. The Vikings are within 7 and are driving to tie the game. They get to the Chiefs’ 30-yard line but are down to a 4th and 12. They throw a fade to Jordan Addison, and it’s incomplete, but there’s a flag. However, the refs pick it up and don’t call a thing on the play. Understandable, seemingly, since it was an uncatchable ball. That doesn’t tell the entire story, however. For one, Cousins got murdered in the backfield after he threw the ball. That should have been roughing the passer. You can’t tell me that isn’t roughing the passer after the love tap on Josh Allen in the London game was called roughing. Also, one of his blockers, the fullback CJ Ham, nearly got his face ripped off by a Chiefs pass-rusher. The penalty for that is also of the 15-yard variant and, if called, would have given Minnesota a 1st down. No flag in sight for that, either. And to cap it all off? L’Jarius Sneed, the Chiefs player who was initially called for the penalty, took his helmet off when he went to complain to the refs. Not only did he take his helmet off, but he did so on the field of play. That should have been a penalty, too. Minnesota got completely hosed here, and KC pays the refs off for yet another undeserved victory. Shameful.

 

Jets 31, Broncos 21

Oh boy. Where do I even start with this game? The closest comparison I can make to this game is two drunk idiots squaring up in a back alley. The fight itself is horrible and some bum is recording it for a DVD. That was this game. The Jets managed to screw up less and claim victory thanks to stout defense and handless players in the case of Denver. Speaking of Denver, they now fall into the pit of despair at 1-4. Next week, they get Kansas City. Not going to get any easier, guys.

 

Cowboys 10, 49ers 45

Game of the week? The Niners certainly didn’t think so, as they turned this game into the Sunday Night Slaughter. Micah Parsons spent the week leading up to this game trash-talking. San Fran took this as a challenge. Every single strength of the Cowboys was neutralized, and every weakness torn open and exploited as the Niners cruised to victory. Brock Purdy is playing on an MVP level right now, and George Kittle had 3 touchdowns while wearing possibly the greatest shirt of all time (which I cannot include in this article, regrettably). As for Dallas, I wouldn’t panic. Dallas is good, but San Fran is a juggernaut. No shame in getting destroyed by them, especially this early in the year. They’ll have time to figure it out.

 

Packers 13, Raiders 17

Jimmy G playing spoiler for a crowd of mostly Packer fans in a primetime game. Now where have I seen this before, oh right, that’s every other time he’s faced them. The Raiders themselves didn’t break any records today. This game was delivered to them on a silver platter by the Packerena screwing up. How does it feel to not have a good quarterback to lean on as a crutch, Green Bay? Jordan Love had his first terrible game in the NFL, throwing 3 picks and being mostly useless against a pretty bad Raider defense. Let’s just say he’s got some work to do. Even then, Green Bay was still in the game till the very end, thanks to Las Vegas continuing to screw up every time they had the ball. Can we just revoke the Raiders’ win and give it to Minnesota? They deserve it a hell of a lot more than these bums do.

 

Laughingstock of the Week

Boys and girls, you know what time it is, it’s time for the illustrious Laughingstock of The Week! This week, we don’t have a particular team, but a member of one. Specifically, the head coach. Sean Payton, the head coach of the Denver Broncos. This offseason, after taking over the Broncos’ head coaching job, Payton went on record saying that current Jets O-coordinator Nathaniel Hackett’s coaching tenure in Denver was “one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.” Guess what happened. His vaunted defense got picked apart for 24 points by a Nathaniel Hackett-led offense. Thus, Hackett got the ultimate revenge: winning. I think he’s pretty happy where he is right now.