Raiders 16, Rams 17

Well, this is a laugh. The Raiders have stifled the Rams and their new toy in Baker Mayfield for three quarters. The defense has been dominant, and the offense has done enough. With 3 minutes left, they kick back and relax. Unfortunately, this is where they were wrong. Seriously, a 4th quarter comeback? Another one? The scriptwriters outdid themselves on this one as the Rams got within a score, and then Baker Mayfield, who hadn’t been on the Rams for even three days, led a 98-yard drive to win the game. Now there’s the Raider defense we’ve known and mocked! It’s so fun that the memes are back. I don’t have to get creative anymore.

Vikings 23, Lions 34

A red-hot Detroit team hosting a Minnesota squad that has rattled off two straight against legit contenders. You couldn’t have a better atmosphere for Detroit to get their statement win. Their offense, once again, looked unstoppable against a stout D, and the defense seems to be finally getting its act together. However, the Vikings had their chances and failed. Justin Jefferson had over 200 yards on the day, and they still lost. Fortunately for the purple people eaters, any win in the next few weeks will clinch a playoff berth via a division title. Detroit, though, seems to be peaking at the right time, and with a softball schedule coming up, they could make some serious noise. Watch out. The NFC, the scorned bridesmaid in the rearview mirror, is closer than it appears.

Ravens 16, Steelers 14

There is only one way I can do this game justice. AND IT’S BY BRINGING BACK THE INJURY BOWL!

Both teams started the game decimated on the injury front. The Steelers were missing about half their offense, and the Ravens were missing a certain QB in the final year of his contract. But the fun doesn’t end there! Kenny Pickett was knocked out of the game, and Tyler Huntley followed suit in the 4th quarter. The situation got so bad for Baltimore that they had to bring in third-stringer Anthony Brown. The Steelers still couldn’t capitalize. Like most of their losses this year, the Steelers had a winnable situation on their hands and completely screwed it up. That optimism Yinzers were feeling after winning 3 of 4? Yup, that’s long gone now. Baltimore continues to defy the odds on its way to a first-round playoff elimination.

Browns 10, Bengals 23

Deshaun Watson’s first career start in 2017 was at Paul Brown Stadium. 5 years, 30 assaults, and a tarnished reputation later, he returns to that hallowed ground, this time as a division rival. The Bengals had other plans. Cincy’s defense continued its remarkable form from the past few weeks by suffocating yet another opponent into the ground. It also doesn’t help that Watson’s throwing mechanics are rusty due to a lack of massaging. The Bengals are looking scary. The offense needs no explanation, but if the defense can keep holding its own like this, another super bowl run might not be out of the question.

Jets 12, Bills 20

The pounding of the rain on a cold, unforgiving field: the start of a story usually only told in old NFL films content from the 70s. In the wind and elements of the Ralph, the Jets put on a vintage performance. By vintage, I mean what has been their norm for most of the past 40 years. Complete and utter offensive ineptitude was on the menu. Where do I even start? Overly conservative play calling. An offensive line decimated by injuries that led to Mike White running for his life all game. The Bills’ defense was treated to a feast for 60 straight minutes. Turnovers, sacks, and third down stops all day long. All the Bills’ offense had to do was score some points and hold onto the ball, and they did just that. While the elements played a part, this game showed that Buffalo is versatile. They can win by hanging 40 on opponents and strangling teams to death on defense. With this win, they maintain control of the #1 seed due to a tiebreaker over Kansas City. And next week? A certain team from the south gets to be on the other end of home-field advantage for a change. I bet the Bills will be looking forward to this one. Confiscate all the heaters, Buffalo. Just an idea.

Texans 23, Cowboys 27

Oh dear lord, the Cowboys are playing down to their competition on a grand scale. The Houston Texans marched into Jerryworld, and flat-out imposed their will for 50 straight minutes. They are going to upset Dallas and shake up the NFC playoff picture. Say it with me, everyone! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!! Wait, they didn’t win? What do you mean they didn’t win? Their defense sucks, and they can’t stop Zeke? Oh, joy. I know Dallas is puffing their chests in pride thanks to that final drive, but I have some choice words in response to that. Oh boy, you beat the Texans. Congratulations, you won against an openly tanking team that’s already been eliminated from the playoffs that was playing its backup quarterback. Forgive me if I need more than this to call them contenders. Houston, go jump off a pier. You had one job, and you failed.

Eagles 48, Giants 22

It’s at this point that many of us realize that the Giants’ record was vastly inflated due to terrible opponents and good luck. Exhibit A: their match against the Eagles. They got blown out in every conceivable metric. Horrible turnovers, offensive ineptitude, the defense imploding like the Hindenburg, and general doom-and-gloom were on the menu in Jersey today. Philly laughs in the background as they clinch the first playoff berth.

Playoff Bound: Philadelphia Eagles

Philly has assembled one of the best seasons in their recent memory to get another crack at January football. This team is stacked and will be a force come January. However, that division is going to be a bloodbath. Hopefully, they can get it done.

Jaguars 36, Titans 22

The Jaguars have heard tales of King Henry from their predecessors. Stories of his rummaging over their fine defense over the past few years have left Jacksonville bloodthirsty for revenge against the tyrant King of the Titans. They took it out this week. Against the Titans, in their own house, Jacksonville laid such a heavy beating on the Titans that it probably put a few more cracks into Nissan Stadium’s decomposing foundation. Trevor Lawrence had another great game, handing Tennessee their third straight loss as they fall into the pits of despair in terms of playoff seeding. Even worse, they haven’t clinched anything yet. They’re 7-6, but I wouldn’t rule out them losing and giving the division to Jacksonville. Knowing how this season has gone, that could happen.

Chiefs 34, Broncos 28

Broncos Country, Let’s Die! Denver enters this game dead in the water. Kansas City marched into their house and imposed their will for the first part of the game. So much so that they had jumped out to a 27-0 lead. However, something incredible happened. The Broncos finally began to have the offensive production they were hyped to have before the year. They scored points. They scored a lot of them. So many that they were able to make it a 1-score game in the 3rd quarter. But the fun ends there. KC woke up for a drive and took another two-score lead, and then the football gods decided to ruin the moment by injuring Russell Wilson. This was when all hope was lost. Brett Rypien doesn’t inspire confidence as Russ does. He throws a pick and allows KC to run out the clock. The Chiefs looked horrible, but they kept pace with the Bills as they battle for the #1 seed. As for Denver? They finally showed life on offense today. The cost? Playoff elimination.

Eliminated: Denver Broncos

Complete and utter failure. All those moves in the offseason, and they somehow did worse than last year. Russ looks washed, The Hack can’t call plays properly, or coach for his life, and they wasted that outstanding defense yet again. It might be time to break out the medicinal weed again, Broncos Country. You’re gonna need it.

Panthers 30, Seahawks 24

Carolina has lowkey impressed me these past few weeks. They’ve seen an NFC South wide open for the taking and have fought hard to claw back within a game of Tampa Bay. Going into Seattle in front of the Twelves was arduous, but Carolina jumped out to an early lead and never looked back. Or it’s because the Seahawks don’t have that overachieving spirit they had at the beginning of the year. They might be done. They’re currently out of a playoff spot after losing 3 of 4 and sitting at 7-6: panic time, Emerald City. Next week, you get the Niners. Yeah.

Buccaneers 7, 49ers 35

The GOAT headed into Santa Clara hungry for blood with a chance to make a statement. Unfortunately, he met a quarterback that even he could not best. That man’s name was Brock Purdy. Mr. Irrelevant relegated Tom Brady to irrelevance as the Niners instilled a spirited beating on him. Purdy had one of the best coming-out parties in recent memory, tossing 3 TDs as the Bucs defense decided to go back to early season mode and could not stop a tumbleweed. Unfortunately, you can’t just win by saying you have Tom Brady anymore. Welcome back to the mosh pit, Buccaneers. I hope you enjoy it.

Dolphins 17, Chargers 23

The Chargers are coming off an embarrassing loss to a bottom-feeder and are now facing a true contender at home in the Miami Dolphins. They made it look easy. Oh, so NOW you play up to your potential, LA? It’s about time! The offense was stymied as usual, but the star of the show tonight was the Charger defense. You know, the one that’s been broken on the wheel five times over on the injury front this year? They kept Miami and their offense in check all game long. Or that could be because the Dolphins are just soft and can only win by roasting their opponents to death at home. Seriously, you’re using propane heaters in 60-degree weather inside a dome? What will happen when you’re buried in a foot of snow in Buffalo next week? Seriously, Miami, get your act together. The last thing you need is a collapse after the run of form you guys have had. The Chargers win, and Kansas City still hasn’t clinched the division. Twenty-eight other fan bases are cheering as a result.

Patriots 27, Cardinals 13

We get a special prize in a Monday night throwdown in the desert. INJURY BOWL!

Both teams had their collective playoff hopes and team health sacrificed to the football gods on this glorious evening. The opening salvo of this match of pain and suffering would be catastrophic: A torn ACL for Kyler Murray on a non-contact play. With Colt McCoy in at quarterback, there was no chance for Arizona. But the fun doesn’t end there! Rondale Moore is out for the year. Byron Murphy and Rashaad Coward are dealing with stingers. The Patriots would keep their distance, but injuries also hampered them: a concussion for Davante Parker. Jack Jones, Ramondre Stevensen, and Isaiah Wynn also suffered injuries. The Patriots scored half their points on defense. That’s how bad it was for Arizona. As the winds of playoff elimination get ever closer, Cards fans can only lament ownership’s idiocy for extending Kingsbury and Keim before the season. Well done, lads.

Finally, it’s time for our LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WEEK!

This week, we have five nominees. They are:

• Jerry Tillary, for getting a taunting penalty after a 3rd down sack, keeping the Rams’ final drive alive.
• The Houston Texans, for blowing the game on the final drive and letting the Cowboys win.
• The Miami Dolphins, whose schematics somehow made Brandon Staley look like a genius.
• The Legion of (ka)Boom, for imploding and getting torched by Sam Darnold.
• And the Arizona Cardinals, just for being the Arizona Cardinals.

And the winner, whose choice may or may not have been influenced by the fact that I’m a fan of a division rival, is none other than the Miami Dolphins! If you’re struggling to put up points against a Chargers D with all their good players injured, there’s a problem. Just wait until they play in the snow next week.

Bills 24, Patriots 10

If there’s any doubt as to the fact that the Patriots are doing things wrong, I present this game as evidence: it was one of the worst games of the year for the Pats. I knew delegating playcalling to Patricia and Judge was a colossal mistake, and this game proves it. Against a Bills defense that has looked highly mortal these past few weeks, they looked very…deflated. The Bills could sit back, run the ball down the Pats’ throats, and secure the win to go to 9-3. New England isn’t dead yet, but next week’s tilt with the Cardinals is a must-win at this point. So much for all eight eastern teams making it in.

Unfortunately, Buffalo received their hard blow later this week. Von Miller was carted off the field during the Detroit game and was diagnosed with a torn meniscus that, if the recovery went well, could have him back by week 17 or 18. Unfortunately, their worst fears were confirmed when they opened up his knee for exploratory surgery. Von Miller did tear his ACL. He’ll be out for the rest of the year at minimum, and the Bills’ defense just took a huge blow. It is imperative that the offense gets back up to speed, especially with a tough couple of games coming up against the Jets and Miami. Heal up soon, Von. Bills Mafia is counting on you.

Packers 28, Bears 19

Two teams are circling the drains. The only thing either is suitable for anymore is TANK BOWL! Aaron Rodgers is making his first appearance in a Tank Bowl today. Something tells me he’s unfamiliar with the rules. Remember, the goal of Tank Bowl is to lose the game to secure a higher draft pick. Rodgers didn’t get the memo- or it could be because facing the Bears unlocks the Genghis Khan mode we haven’t seen out of him in a good few years. It doesn’t matter what weapons he has; it doesn’t matter how big of a lead Chicago jumps out to; he will forever subjugate Soldier Field to be his glorified second home. Justin Fields tried to keep up, but the Packers’ defense adjusted to stop him, and Green Bay surged for 18 points in the 2nd half to maintain a faint pulse in the season. Chicago wins the tank bowl, and they also win another dubious prize. They are the first team eliminated!

Eliminated from playoff contention: Chicago Bears

If there’s any silver lining for these guys, they finally have something resembling an offense, and they’ll have a high draft pick next April to bolster their ranks for another go-around. I trust this new management group to manage these assets to keep the wheels of the rebuild moving.

Steelers 19, Falcons 16

You thought you got a break from terrible football, didn’t you? Prepare yourselves for the next event. ANOTHER TANK BOWL!

Pittsburgh traveled to Atlanta in a battle of mediocre football teams. Pittsburgh would maintain a distance from their adversary throughout the game, but it still felt dangerous. Despite the Falcons clawing back in the end, Pittsburgh has now won two straight against bad teams, and the false hope has returned to the Yinzer faithful. It’s crazy to think, but they’re only two games below .500. Kenny Pickett is developing, and Tomlin still has a shot at avoiding a losing season. Atlanta, meanwhile, wins both the tank bowl and the right to maintain playoff contention thanks to playing in the NFL’s tank division. You’ve gotta love it.

Jets 22, Vikings 27

Minnesota has flaws, but they mask them very well by playing great situational football. This game against a scrappy Jets team looking for a true statement win under Mike White. White himself played a solid game and deserves little criticism. What won the game for Minnesota wasn’t the Jets’ mistakes but their defense clamping down and making six red zone stops in the 2nd half. They have flaws that might bite them come playoff time, but they’re 10-2. If it weren’t for a certain team from Philly, they’d have a first-round bye. Who saw this at the beginning of the year?

Jaguars 14, Lions 40

The Lions continue their remarkable run of form with one of their best wins over the past few weeks. A bunch of battered, fatigued Jaguars marched out onto Ford Field and ritually sacrificed for 60 minutes. It was destruction on both sides of the line of scrimmage as Detroit hung 40 points on the Jags’ defense. It got so bad that Detroit mercifully injured Trevor Lawrence to ensure they would be lorded over. This is legitimately the most excited Detroit has been about this team in half a decade. I hope they can ride this momentum to the playoffs. It’ll be a slim shot, but never say never with this team.

Titans 10, Eagles 35

You thought last week was rough, Titans fans? Meet the Eagles. They will peck you apart for 60 minutes in front of a rabid crowd at the Linc, as this game was no contest. There’s nothing more I need to say about this game than Philly regained their form, and Tennessee reinforced their candidacy for the traditional AFC south one-and-done in the playoffs.

Browns 27, Texans 14

The return of Deshaun to Houston can only mean one thing. TANK BOWL!

How many of these are we going to have this week? Two is enough for a week, goodness. The storylines surrounding this game were all around Deshaun and his return. He was as rusty as everyone thought he would be as he played horribly all game against the worst team in the league. Fortunately, the Texans’ offense sucked as well. The Brownies scored most of their points with two defensive touchdowns and a special-teams touchdown. Houston’s Cleveland pick gets a little worse, and the Texans also receive an inevitable reward.

Eliminated from playoff contention: Houston Texans

A deliberately tanking team out of the playoffs? Shocking. I’m more surprised it took this long for them to be finished. Long live the tank, I guess.

Commanders 20, Giants 20 (Super tie)

This game had a bit of everything: efficient offenses in the first half, clutch plays in the second half, and utter boredom and defensive lockdowns in overtime. All this leads to a profoundly embarrassing… tie. Can’t the league get rid of these? Make them play sudden death or a kicker shootout like the NHL. Now we can watch them do it again in two weeks. Wonderful.

Do you know what else is wonderful? Dan Snyder was found complicit by the Feds of partaking in a toxic work environment within the Commanders’ organization for the last 14 years and counting. In simpler terms, his days as Commies’ owner are numbered. Hallelujah.

Broncos 9, Ravens 10

Baltimore is falling hard. The inability to produce any offense should be a cause for great concern. Even worse, Lamar Jackson got injured in the 2nd quarter, leading to the imitation of Lamar in Tyler Huntley seeing his first action of the season… to poor results. Fortunately for the Ravens, they are playing the Broncos. They will score no more than 9 points on offense, so all Baltimore needs to do is maintain a pulse, and they will win this game. Even then, they did it incredibly unconvincingly at the last minute. That Lamar injury could be devastating to the team, though. Isn’t nearly losing to the Broncos enough pain and frustration? To gauge the Baltimore Faithful’s rage, we go to a corresponding Ravens fan for his take on this great match. Let’s give him a few words.

Dolphins 17, 49ers 33

If things couldn’t get worse for the Niners on the injury front, Jimmy Garropolo was carted off the field midway through the second quarter with a foot injury. This means that San Francisco was forced to play 7th-round pick Brock Purdy for the majority of this game. He was fine, but what would win the day for San Fran, just like last week, was the defense. They were a brick wall of scarlet and gold all game long, holding one of the most potent offenses in the league in check for 60 minutes. It also helped that Tua couldn’t get off a throw due to sustained pressure, and Purdy was able to keep their offense moving just enough. A hard-fought win is the result. Miami, tough luck, but this loss could be critical for playoff seeding.

So they’re saying it’s a broken foot for Garropolo, and he’ll be out for the season. Man, this team can’t catch any breaks, can they?

Seahawks 27, Rams 23

Seattle has had a rough go these past few weeks. With the Germany game and last week’s barnburner loss to the Raiders, their playoff contention status has been called into question these past few weeks. Fortunately, they had the perfect antidote to their woes. The Rams. They may be the defending champs, but they just put Matt Stafford on IR, effectively shutting him down for the season. This means the Seahawks get to face John Wolford at quarterback. Seahawks, enjoy your free win. It may have come at the last minute, thanks to a Geno Smith bailout drive, but a win is a win, especially in the NFC. With this win, they also end a 4-game losing streak to the Rams in LA. This is how you know things are messed up this season.

Chargers 20, Raiders 27

Don’t look now, but Las Vegas is starting to creep back into the playoff mix. Ever since Derek Carr cried in the press conference after the Colts game, they have been on a tear and taking no prisoners. After winning two straight in overtime, it’s time for them to ascend back into the AFC playoff picture. Next up? The Chargers. They have been dancing through the raindrops this season, winning despite their shortcomings, but this is Vegas’s time now. The score is deceiving. The Chargers got owned on both the scoreboard and time of possession. Maybe Josh McDaniels is turning a corner. Who knows? As for now, though, they’ve won three in a row. It might be time for Raider Nation to hop back on the bandwagon.

Chiefs 24, Bengals 27

Patrick Mahomes may seem immortal, but he has one significant shortcoming; he can’t beat the Cincinnati Bengals. Cincy seems to have Mahomes’s number every time they play him. Their defense played lights out today and did their job to keep the Bengals offense on the field long enough to control time of possession and burn out the clock. The Bengals get the statement win they’ve been looking for this year, and KC gets their third loss. Do you know what that means? With this and the Dolphins’ loss, we have a new #1 seed in the AFC. THE BUFFALO BILLS, BABY! BRING ON THE TABLE-SMASHING AND DRUNK TAILGATES! THE BILLS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! DO NOT DENY IT! THIS IS A TEAM OF DESTINY! Cincy has experience helping the Bills with playoff positioning. This wouldn’t be the first time Buffalo has been Bengals fans.

Colts 19, Cowboys 54

I’ll admit, it was looking iffy at the start. Indianapolis was playing hard, and Dallas’s offense was stifled for the first part of this game. It took roughly until halftime, though, for the Cowboys to realize that they were playing the Colts and not a legit opponent. It quickly got ugly after that. 33 points in the 4th quarter put this game out of reach and then some, and Indianapolis had its season given a death blow in the form of the smugness of Cowboys fans across the country. I feel for anyone that had to deal with them that night. Think of the poor children.

Saints 16, Buccaneers 17

Tampa sucks so much this year. I don’t know if it’s Brady being rickety and old, the pieces around him being replacement-level, or the coaching being terrible. I think it’s a mix of the three. Father time takes no prisoners, and he’s catching up with the Buccaneers fast. With enough said, they were letting the Saints, yes, New Orleans, utterly dominate them for 55 minutes. A 16-3 lead with the ball and 5 minutes to play should be game over. Unsurprisingly, the Saints were revealed to be hacks, and Tampa returned to win. Since they’ve been so predictable this year, I should get a checklist together on what to expect from the TB12 comeback drive. Step one is the opposing team self-destructing on offense: Conservative play calling, lousy luck and situational awareness, the odd turnover, and just general ineptitude. The second component is a dubious call or two by the refs to ignite a spark underneath the Bucs’ offense. Once that kettle’s heated up, then it starts to hum. The opposing defense will help with that by going into soft zone prevent when Brady has been eating it for breakfast his entire career. They can only watch as Tom dinks and dunks his way down the field, picking the defense apart. And finally, the kill shot. A pass three yards past the line of scrimmage leads to the wide-open receiver who does all the work and scores. Everyone hails Brady as a hero and a savant as the losing team is left scratching their heads, wondering how the reaper got them yet again. It sucks to suck, New Orleans. I’m mad we got robbed of the ultimate tank division thanks to Tampa being back to .500.

Laughingstock of the week

It’s the end of the week, so I think it’s time I crown this edition of Laughingstock of the Week! (trademark pending).

This week, we had four nominees. They are:

The New England Patriots, for trusting Matt Patricia and Joe Judge to run the offense.

Dan Snyder. There isn’t much else that needs to be said on this front.

The Tennessee Titans, for firing their GM in a power-play maneuver and giving Mike Vrabel total autonomy over roster moves.

And the Saints’ defense, for clocking out 5 minutes early and allowing Brady to come back on them in a game New Orleans was dominating.

And the winner, by order of my uneducated decision, is none other than Dan Snyder! Covering up and partaking in workplace harassment for 14 years and dodging a subpoena: that’s a surefire way to get the Feds to crack down on you. Maybe the next owner will stop strong-arming Landover for a new stadium.

Illustration License via Creative Commons

While most of us were passed out on our couches after stuffing our faces with turkey this past weekend, you might have missed the excellent football on display. Let’s crack into it.

Bills 28, Lions 25

Ugh, thank God the Bills won this, so I wouldn’t have to separate it again. I don’t know how much of this game was Buffalo sucking or Detroit punching above their weight. I’m inclined to believe the former of the two, especially since Allen didn’t look like himself for the 5th week in a row, but Detroit has lowkey impressed me these past few weeks. They’re better than their record suggests, and it shows today. They may have barely lost, thanks to the Bills’ high-end talent coming to save the day with 20 seconds left, but the door to January football is still wide open for these guys. With how weak the NFC is, they could make the playoffs if they can win out or finish 5-1. Now watch them collapse down the stretch and relapse back into mediocrity.

Giants 20, Cowboys 28

After this game, family members partaking in Thanksgiving across the US all sounded a collective groan. Not only would they have to watch a feel-good Giants team get smacked back to reality by a contender, but they also would have to deal with the cancer that is Cowboys fans for the rest of the night. I’ll give the Giants props for sticking around for three quarters, but this game shows they don’t have what it takes to keep up with the Joneses yet, regardless of Daboll’s excellent scheming. The common denominator of winning in this league is high-end talent, and the G-men don’t have that much of it yet. While this is a disappointing loss, they still have a pretty good shot at the playoffs. Their schedule is pretty easy, and 10-7 could get them in, given their conference.

Patriots 26, Vikings 33

If the last game was the food prep, this game was the feast. This game was an elite shootout featuring high scoring and good situational defense with a special-teams touchdown to complete a balanced Thanksgiving dinner. In the end, the Vikings won due to refball and the defense clamping down in the final minutes to hold off the Evil Empire. New England may have hung tough, but let’s be real, they had no chance facing Kirk Thuggins, who… oh god, has hinted at getting diamond grills. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many 1 PM games come January for him to dance shirtless after. He should enjoy this while he can.

Texans 15, Dolphins 30

This game was a lot uglier than the score suggests. Miami was up 30-0 by halftime and only allowed Houston back in it because they yanked Tua, thanks to him nearly dying on the field for the third time this season. The Texans continue their inevitable march to the first overall pick under the newly minted tank commander Kyle Allen, who is somehow still in the league. Miami may have looked like world-beaters, but it’s pretty easy to put up those stats when facing the Texans. Wake me up when they do this against a real team.

Bengals 20, Titans 16

Behold, a rematch of the 2022 divisional round! Like the last time these two met, this game was a defensive struggle, every yard valuable as the two teams jockeyed in no man’s land. What this game would come down to was who made more mistakes. Tennessee looked to have this game under wraps, but Cincy surged back in the 2nd half to take the lead and hold it. This is when David Long exposes himself as a double agent and runs into the snapper on a field goal, handing the Bengals the win. Just like January, the Titans beat themselves. I wouldn’t be too worried. Something went horribly wrong if they don’t win their weak division this year. It would be funny to see, though.

Broncos 10, Panthers 23

It’s time for the two greatest words in sports: TANK BOWL!

Two indescribably awful teams meet in a battle for draft position as both these teams’ seasons are unofficially over. Remember, folks, Denver thought they could compete this year and traded their first-round pick. Thus, they are technically representing Seattle in this marquee tank-off. The guy they traded the pick for doesn’t seem to be aware of this. Russ was cooking up a storm today. 19 of 35 for 140 yards and a garbage-time touchdown, a truly elite performance. Perhaps he wanted to give his former team one last bailout by giving them a higher draft pick. Carolina had to sit there and take all the gifts thrown at them as Denver got blown out of the water hilariously. Remember when these guys were AFC west favorites at the beginning of the year? Those were some good times.

Bears 10, Jets 31

After last week’s horrible performance and subsequent entitled press conference, the Jets benched Zach Wilson. You know what that means. THE RETURN OF MIKE WHITE, BABY! Look at him sling the ball in ways Wilson couldn’t! Gaze in awe as the entire team rallies around him while he delivers another elite performance. Sure, it was against the Bears, and they suck, but I DON’T CARE. Mike White is the new Midas, and everything he touches will turn to gold. This Jets team just got much more likable, and I love every single bit of it. If he does the same thing against Minnesota? He might make some serious bank this offseason. I must take a moment to thank the Bears’ defense for allowing the memes to run wild once again, which is honestly the best contribution they’ve made to the league all season.

Falcons 13, Commanders 19

This is what we call a crossroads game. The Falcons are reeling after a surprising start having lost their last two. The Commies replaced them at the overachievers’ table, having won 5 of 6. There couldn’t be a better setting for this game than in DC in the pouring rain. Due to the atrocious weather conditions, team offense was generally limited throughout the game, but the Commanders’ defense made critical plays to stuff Mariota. Heinicke made plays when he needed to, and Washington is now 7-5. Remember when everyone was calling them done after they started 1-4? They have erased all that with convincing victories and a 6-1 swing. They’re interesting going into the playoff push. Interesting.

The Commies may have won this game, but that won’t stop me from laughing at them yet again. The latest failure of the Commies and Dan Snyder involves one of their former players. Fifteen years ago, Sean Taylor, a standout defensive back for Washington at the time, was tragically killed in a home invasion trying to protect his family. In memory of Taylor, the Commies had announced they would unveil a Taylor statue before their game against Atlanta. What did this “statue” take the form of? A faceless mannequin dressed in Sean Taylor’s uniform. They also put little effort into the uniform itself. The facemask didn’t have Taylor’s trademark tape on it. They dressed him in soccer cleats! I get that it’s still a feel-good moment for Taylor’s family, but this shows that the organization hasn’t learned a thing and is only paying hollow lip service to the issue. The Commies had a golden opportunity to generate some goodwill for the rebrand and once again proved themselves spineless. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Dan Snyder can’t sell fast enough.

Buccaneers 17, Browns 23

Before this game, earlier in the week, a drunk guy broke into the Browns’ stadium, got a hold of a golf cart, and did donuts on the field, leaving deep ruts in it. Cleveland must have decided to improve their defenses and security thanks to this breach. No one else would be allowed to invade their house and do as they pleased. This included the Buccaneers. My friends, what we witnessed this past Sunday was an outright clinic on how to stop the Bucs offense. If a pass rush can get home with four guys and the secondary can cover a short field, it’s lights out for Tampa. Combine this with a Bucs defense that can’t stop Nick Chubb, and you’ve got a Cleveland victory to give them some semblance of a pulse with Watson coming back. Tampa still somehow leads the NFC South at 5-6. God, that division is such trash, and I love it.

Ravens 27, Jaguars 28

The Ravens travel to a humid Duval County coming off a terrible win against a team they should have crushed. I know what you’re thinking: this screams trap game. Trevor Lawrence may be developing slowly, but we tend to forget that he can still sling the ball when necessary. It hurt Baltimore in many spectacular ways today. Even after going for two to take the lead in the 4th quarter after a gutsy play call by Pederson, Baltimore managed to cut it to only a 67-yard attempt for Tucker. Apparently, 66 is his limit. The kick fell just short. The Jaguars have a signature win for their rebuild. It might have to wait until next year, but they could contend sometime down the road. Baltimore, meanwhile, drowns itself in the harbor as Harbaugh and Roman get placed back on the hot seat.

Raiders 40, Seahawks 34 (OT)

Who expected this game to be an offensive barnburner? I won’t say shootout, as most of the damage from both sides came on the ground. Both units also had help from some of the most heinous refball I’ve seen in a while. Start it off with a missed facemask by Josh Jacobs on a touchdown run. Then, on an interception by Quandre Diggs, a Seahawk backup came off the sidelines to help block, and somehow the refs didn’t notice him as he made the 12th man a literal advantage for Seattle. This game came down to the wire, with Josh Jacobs breaking off another long run to seal the game in overtime for Las Vegas. I’ve been impressed with them the last couple of weeks. If they win out, they could make the playoffs again. Knowing this, they will probably fall apart and lose out.

Chargers 25, Cardinals 24

I don’t care that the Chargers won. I don’t care that it was Staley’s idiot playcalling that somehow led to the win. LA should be pressing the gigantic red panic button inside Spanos’s nuclear bunker. They look like excrement. Against Kansas City, it was fine, but against Arizona? Their defense probably thinks cover 3 is a lottery game, for crying out loud. Despite this, the Chargers didn’t bother to show up until the 4th quarter, and they barely snagged away victory from the desert. This team has severe flaws and has proven time and time again that it can’t beat real teams. They need a statement win before I start riding them.

Saints 0, 49ers 13

The Niners are flying high after dominating Arizona last week and now face the closest thing to a doormat they can; a hot date at home with the Saints. Despite their defense putting up a valiant effort, their offense fell apart at the worst possible time and was stifled by the Niners’ defense. This game showed me that San Fran can win in another way: by sheer defensive will. They’re versatile, which is why I think they have a good chance going forward.

Rams 10, Chiefs 26

The downfall of LA continues in earnest as, once again, Matthew Stafford was injured and out for this game. This means that LA’s new quarterback is Bryce Perkins, a third-string quarterback. Unsurprisingly, there is no chance. The Chiefs were 15.5-point favorites in this one and made it look easy. LA tried to hang with them for 3 quarters, but there was no overcoming the high-end talent of the Chiefs. The Rams even made their defense look good. Completely undeserved, in my opinion.

Packers 33, Eagles 40

Folks, this is what it looks like to see a career wither and die. Coming off several embarrassing performances, the Packerena limped into Philly on a cold Sunday night and were beaten to a pulp by the Eagles. The Packers had no chance, despite their self-destruction to keep the game close. Even worse, Aaron Rodgers exited the game with a rib injury, and he didn’t look like himself all night long. The real eye of the fanbase should be on that defense. You know, the reputable group that has all kinds of talent? It turns out that missing both of their star linebackers will completely fleece it and turn them into a bunch of turnstiles. The Eagles dominated them all night long and gave the Cheeseheads Dom Capers flashbacks. At least Jordan Love took a few snaps and looked promising. The season might be lost, but they can see which QB they can ruin next after Rodgers retires soon.

Steelers 24, Colts 17

It is a matchup truly worthy of the Monday Night Football broadcast. Yes, my friends, A PRIMETIME TANK BOWL!

This was a tank bowl worthy of song. Two horrendous teams, locking horns in a primetime slot deserving of far better teams. Troy Aikman could have been calling Cowboy games instead of this trash, but he’s on a massive contract with ESPN, and they get what they pay for. Both offenses were stuck in the mud throughout the game as the defenses made consistent plays to keep the game at a deadlock. Did you enjoy Michael Pittman looking good these past few weeks? Well, that’s gone. Watch as he shows no effort on a play leading to an interception. Pittsburgh, in typical fashion, did nothing with the ball after that to continue the agony. With enough said, the Steelers were holding serve late, but the Colts were driving down the field. With 40 seconds left, Jeff Saturday shows his sports talk-show prowess by letting the clock run and making Indy rush their next play, leading to a turnover on downs and a loss. Pittsburgh may have won the game, but the Colts have won the tank. I wouldn’t be surprised if Irsay is deliberately sucking to get another top QB prospect to ruin.

Laughingstock of the week

To close things out, I’m going to try something new. The Laughingstock of the Week will be a new award that I crown at the end of every week, highlighting the team, person, or group that showcases the most stupidity and general ineptitude that week. I figured for this new tradition, I’d might as well show some transparency and introduce the finalists. They are:

Dan Campbell, for horrible clock management on the final drive, to give Buffalo an undeserved win.

Dan Snyder, for not selling the team fast enough and completely butchering the Sean Taylor memorial.

The Denver Broncos – just for being the Denver Broncos.

The Baltimore Ravens- for blowing a 9-point lead and collapsing on defense down the stretch to lose to the freaking Jaguars.

And Jeff Saturday, for his tank-saving buffoonery disguised as a two-minute drill against the Steelers.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome each time. Thus, the winner is, both for legit reasons and for meme potential, THE BALTIMORE RAVENS! For the fourth time this season, they blew a two-score lead to lose in embarrassing fashion to an opponent they should have crushed. All four of their losses have involved a double-digit lead. That is frankly astonishing. Did they mix up their bird species and think they were the Falcons or something? Jesus Christ, this team is a joke. Take your humiliating loss to the Jaguars and get out of my sight. See you next week when the same thing happens.

Titans 27, Packers 17

You may be expecting me to lavish endless praise on the Titans for turning their season around, but I’m not impressed. They beat the Packers. Congratulations, Tennessee, you beat an underachieving team with handless receivers in a game that was closer than it should have been. They go to 7-3, but it comes with a major asterisk. They’ve had a pathetic schedule, benefited from an even weaker division than usual, and their three losses have come against quality opponents. They may win the AFC South by default this year, but they look like another one-and-done, just like every other team that comes out of that division. As for Green Bay, they’re 4-7. With Rodgers at QB, I can’t call them dead until they’re officially eliminated, but call this a step in the right direction.

Bears 24, Falcons 27

It’s crazy to think that this was the best game of the early window. Not a match between playoff contenders, but two mediocre teams coming off of embarrassing self-inflicted losses. Throughout the game, Atlanta would cling to the Bears on the scoresheet and eventually pull ahead thanks to the heroics of one Cordarrelle Patterson. The Falcons win and keep pace with Tampa in their division, while the Bears fall to 3-8. At least they’ll have their first-round pick this year.

Eagles 17, Colts 16

Philly, despite their glossy exterior, might be beginning to deteriorate from the inside. Despite their strong record, they have looked horrible these last few weeks. It looked like another embarrassment this week for three quarters. The Eagles, once again, struggled to gain traction on offense against a team without that great of a defense. Try the Colts. Led by Jeff Saturday, Indy was able to accrue a 16-10 lead with 2 minutes left. Unfortunately, this is where the Birds’ offense finally wakes up and guides them to an ugly, ugly win. Next week, though, they face a real quarterback. He may not have anything around him but primetime Aaron Rodgers is always a threat.

Jets 3, Patriots 10

This game took us back to the 1970s in terms of gameplay. Two teams fighting for playoff positioning brawling on the frozen tundra of Foxboro. The defenses had a field day all game. The offenses were unable to gain any traction in no man’s land. What this game would come down to was who made more mistakes. The Patriots missed a field goal after taking a bad sack early in the game, but the game was still tied 3-3 deep into the 4th quarter. What the Patriots needed was a miracle. What they got was a miracle. New York’s 10th punt of the day getting returned for a touchdown. Sure, the punter may have been shanking his kicks all game, but this was a moment when you need to punt it out of bounds. With how exhausted the special teams units were, did you really expect them to hold this late in the game? I missed making fun of the Jets every week. Glad to know I have my punching bag back.

Commanders 23, Texans 10

The Commies and their run of form over the last few weeks get a reprieve from their tough schedule: Houston. They may be “professional”, but they lack any kind of organization or talent. CFL teams could probably beat the Texans right now. Call this a reward for Washington’s gutsy win at the Linc last week. They just had to sit around and watch as Davis Mills made mistake after mistake to let them cruise to victory. Given past seasons, I have reason to be skeptical, but at 6 and 5 with an easy schedule left, I wouldn’t rule out a playoff berth. With how bad the NFC is this year, it’s certainly possible. For the sake of Taylor Heinicke, I hope they make it.

Rams 20, Saints 27

Two teams with lofty expectations have been converted into all but a morgue for the injured. Two teams went all-in by giving their first-round picks to other teams. The Rams representing Detroit, and the Saints representing Philly, in the two most ignominious words in sports. TANK BOWL!

The Rams and Saints in a tank bowl match, let’s just say I didn’t have this in the itinerary when the season started. But they both are near the bottom of the standings, so yes, this is a tank bowl. Throughout the game, the Saints would continually prove themselves superior, with Chris Olave having quite possibly his breakout game. But, like the Championship game from 2018, the Rams claim the ultimate prize. Their season is unofficially over, and they get to give charity to Detroit by means of trading all their first-round picks.

Browns 23, Bills 31

Buffalo winters are cruel and unforgiving. The weather must have realized that a lopsided football game was going to take place, and brought about an epic snowstorm. The weather would have made this game infinitely more enjoyable to watch, but unfortunately, the NFL chose this moment to finally care about player safety and moved the game indoors to Detroit. In the neutral confines of Ford Field, the Bills were finally able to win a game that they should have by a lot more. This should have been worse, but Tyler Bass had to kick 6 field goals thanks to the Bills’ offense sucking in the red zone for the 4th straight week. This comes with a gigantic asterisk that it’s against Cleveland, but call this a tuneup for real teams. The Bills should be thankful for easy opponents. And they should be extra thankful they play the Lions on Turkey Day.

Panthers 3, Ravens 13

In a rain-soaked Baltimore, these two squads blessed us with the greatest gift of all. A LEGENDARY INEPTITUDE BOWL!

Carolina needs no introduction to these magnificent games. They have been in freefall ever since the season started. Baker has looked horrible, they fired their head coach and traded away every offensive player that might have made them relevant. Baltimore, meanwhile, desires more of a subtle approach. Their offense is garbage. I don’t know if it’s Lamar, Greg Roman, or Harbaugh, but something has been off these past few weeks. Fortunately, they are playing Carolina and were able to reach out and grab a free win that should have been a lot uglier than it was.

Lions 31, Giants 18

If you watched this game with no background context, you might think the Lions were the team coming in with a 7-2 record. They completely dominated a Giants team that had no answers for Jamal Williams or any part of their offense. The defense played lights out and sculpted their game plan to force Daniel Jones to throw. He did as well as you might expect when forced to carry the load. As the lions march on to victory, they also march on to second place in the NFC north. At 4-6. Minnesota is getting a home playoff game by default, aren’t they?

Cowboys 40, Vikings 3

The Vikings must have realized that the division was basically theirs already, and chose to take Sunday off as the Cowboys walked all over them. The Vikings were completely dominated embarrassingly on their home soil. That defense feasted for most of the game, and Dallas’s running game flat-out imposed their will against an emotionally drained defense. Mike McCarthy may be a terrible coach, but he will forever make Minnesota his second home. Just like every other big win for the Vikings in their history, they took the field in the next game and got wrecked. Seems to be a trend as of late.

Raiders 22, Broncos 16 (OT)

Remember the magic of week 6? When I declared that all in-division matchups in the AFC west not involving KC would be automatic ineptitude bowls? Well, it also happens that these two teams have trainwreck seasons. With the Broncos representing Seattle, it’s time for a TANK BOWL!

This game lived up to all the dubious hype from beforehand. Terrible offensive play, both defenses being made to look like the ‘85 bears, and outstanding ineptitude by both teams. Both offenses failed to gain traction. The grass at Mile High must have been sacred, as both units were unwilling to even touch it. Do you know what this glorious match needs? Overtime! However, this is when the Raiders finally get their act together and score a touchdown. Denver now hits rock bottom. They got swept by the worst team in their division. They also don’t have their first-round pick this year. Wonderful.

Bengals 37, Steelers 30

Yet another winnable game that the Steelers chose to give away on a gold plate. Surprisingly, the culprit of this choke is not the offense, as they kept it close. It’s the defense. Despite getting TJ Watt back, they continually gave up swaths of yardage to a Bengals offense without Joe Mixon or Ja’Marr Chase. Cincinnati controls its destiny for the playoffs thanks to this win. Pittsburgh now falls to 3-7. I wouldn’t look down there, it’s only death and despair for miles around.

Chiefs 30, Chargers 27

No matter the magnitude, no matter how good either team is, Chiefs vs Chargers will always be a shootout. How can we hypothesize this? Both defenses are garbage and have been bad for many years. The offenses had carte blanche for most of the game. They even let Justin Herbert throw deep for the first time since the stone age. With enough said, the Chargers were holding their own and had taken the lead deep in the 4th quarter. However, they made one critical mistake: they left too much time on the clock. Mahomes methodically marched down the field for a game-winning touchdown. As for the Chargers? Pain. and a .500 record.

49ers 38, Cardinals 10

Oh, god. Estadio Azteca would be home to a pre-colombian throwback performance today. The needless sacrifice of the Cardinals to appease the gods would be on the docket for tonight. The priest performing this ritual was the 49ers, who were nye unstoppable for most of the game. George Kittle imitated a wrecking ball and ran all over the battered Cardinals’ defense for swaths of yardage. Arizona’s offense didn’t fare much better. Faced with a stout defense and no running game thanks to their offensive line coach being fired for groping someone the night before the game. The Niners cruise to victory and an NFC West division lead as a result. I had my doubts before the year, but if the offense can keep that up, this team is a super bowl contender. Arizona, meanwhile, would love to clean house, but they extended Kingsbury and Keim through 2027 this past march. I think they might be regretting that.

Bills fans thought they had hit rock bottom last week. Losing to the Jets was only the beginning, as Josh Allen was diagnosed with a UCL sprain after the game. Even worse, next week, they wouldn’t be getting another doormat, but a scrappy Vikings team trying to come to terms with their impressive and surprising success. They would be looking for a signature statement to put them on the map as NFC contenders. Unfortunately for Minnesota, Allen’s injury was mild, and he was cleared to play on Sunday, and he would be starting. At kickoff, the Bills were -5-point favorites against Minnesota, at home.

They would prove all the upset picks right on the opening drive by going 3-and-out and getting stuffed by the Purple People Eaters and Buffalo defector Harrison Phillips. The offense, led by Kirk Cousins, promptly marched down the field for a touchdown as Justin Jefferson torched that injured Bills secondary. It is here that the Bills’ offense got rolling once again. They finally got a running game going and capped off their scoring drive with a Devin Singletary touchdown. Even better, Minnesota went 3-and-out on their next drive and the Bills cashed in for another touchdown. When you think things couldn’t get worse for the Vikings, Kirk Cousins throws a pick. The Bills, set up in prime field position, could only get a field goal. I’d say this would be a harbinger for things to come, but let’s forget that. The Bills scored another touchdown. Up 24-10 going into the locker room. It would take a miracle for the Vikings to come back.

This sentiment would be emphasized early in the third quarter as Kirk Cousins threw another interception and the Bills got 3 more points. However, Minnesota has been a second-half team all year. They are known across the land for dramatic, last-second victories. Then Vikings fans got a break from their misery as Dalvin Cook ran off for a 76-yard rumble to make it a two-score game.

The 4th quarter was sheer ugliness. Both teams exchanged punts and turnovers, sometimes in quick succession. This was until Minnesota scored a touchdown to make it a one-score game. Greg Joseph knows the stakes. He decided to keep the memes afloat by hitting the upright on the extra point, keeping it at a 4-point game. Buffalo, predictably, proceeded to do absolutely nothing with the ball and punted it back to Minnesota. However, all was well in Bills Mafia. The defense did its job to force a 4th and 18, and then Bills Defensive Coordinator Leslie Frazier put a rookie 1-on-1 against the Vikings’ best receiver. The Vikings converted with one of the best catches of the season thus far. After this miracle play, Minnesota got down to the goal line. It is here that the Bills’ defense goes back to brick wall mode. They stuff the Vikings on 4th down and get a critical turnover to give Buffalo the ball back to try and run out the clock.

There was, however, one problem: the Bills would have to start from their goal line. This was their downfall. Josh Allen fumbled the exchange from his center and the Vikings recovered for a touchdown to take the lead with 40 seconds left.

Bills fans might be scratching their heads furiously as to the play call, but never mind. Look at the high-end talent! Buffalo marched down the field, with some help from the refs for not reviewing a catch that shouldn’t have counted, and ties the game to force overtime.

However, this is where the Bills experience Deja vu. They lose the overtime coin toss. However, unlike the playoff game, the defense decided to show up. Despite getting to the goal line, Minnesota could do nothing as Ed Oliver sacked Cousins to force them out of striking distance for a touchdown. They were forced to kick a field goal and give the ball back to Allen and the Bills with 3 minutes left in extra football. The Bills did their job, marching down the field to the 20. Coming out of the two-minute warning, though, Josh Allen has a trick up his sleeve. Faking out everyone, including his own team, he throws a dart down the middle to the end zone. Do you know who wasn’t fooled? Vikings cornerback Patrick Peterson. Interception, game over. The Vikings win an epic game in Buffalo and have the signature statement win they’ve needed. The Bills, meanwhile, are in freefall. The supposed best team in the NFL has now fallen to 6-3 and has dropped all the way to third in the division. Miami and the Jets both hold tiebreakers and are ahead. Pain.

Whenever I think this team can’t go lower in the art of disappointment and pain inducement, they stumble upon a portal to another dimension and dig there. This is a statement of legitimacy by Minnesota, that I will give them, but for the Bills, it’s a colossal choke. A 17-point lead with 2 minutes left in the third quarter should have been game over. A team they had dominated all day long, an offense that they had generated 3 turnovers against, a defense that couldn’t stop their newfound running game, all those opportunities were completely squandered because the entire team chose to clock out 30 minutes early.

In reality, what the game boiled down to was that 4th down interception at the beginning of the 4th quarter. If the Bills do the right thing there and take the points, none of this probably happens. The Vikings don’t use it as a giant momentum swing to keep their comeback alive. The Bills aren’t playing for a tie on the final drive and could have won with a walk-off field goal. The game doesn’t go to overtime, where the Bills are notorious for coming out on the wrong side, and that’s regardless of whatever goal line hijinks may have occurred in this alternate reality. Not to discount the other screw-ups by Buffalo that could have made a difference, too. I’m sorry, but how do you blow a 4th and 18 with what is supposedly the #1 defense in the league? How do you let them march to the 1-yard line? Why didn’t the offense line up in shotgun formation to throw a screen out of the end zone? If it weren’t for the refs, this game doesn’t even go to overtime, that “catch” by Davis shouldn’t have counted. But by sending this game to overtime, we witnessed even more ineptitude.

Offensive Coordinator Ken Dorsey needs to change his tactics or get fired, there, I said it. His red zone play calling seems to be something out of The Hack’s Denver playbook. Chuck it into the end zone, and repeat, and repeat. He goes for broke on every single down, playing right into Allen’s one critical flaw; he tries to play hero ball on every snap, even when it’s far from the best decision. In what world is it a good idea to make that last throw? Davis was in double coverage! If that ball isn’t in the exact right spot, it’s going the other way, and unfortunately, that’s what happened on that play.

Another concern is Allen’s propensity for red zone interceptions. One of the most mentioned stat lines last year was that he had never thrown a red zone INT in his career. That has changed drastically this season. In the last 3 games, Allen has thrown five of them, two of them last week against the Jets and another two in this game. If this keeps happening, I honestly don’t know if the Bills will make the playoffs. They’re good, but with how deep the AFC is unless they change something fast, they aren’t going anywhere.

Speaking of which, thank god they get Cleveland and Detroit these next two weeks. Knowing the Bills, they’ll find a way to screw this up too. Cautious optimism is key. As I write this, Kirk Cousins is probably wearing five figures worth of ice and partying it up on the Vikings’ charter plane. I should be happy for the Vikings finally breaking free of the narratives, but all I feel is pain and resentment. This Bills team is going to break me by the end of the year, I can feel it.