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While most of us were passed out on our couches after stuffing our faces with turkey this past weekend, you might have missed the excellent football on display. Let’s crack into it.
Bills 28, Lions 25
Ugh, thank God the Bills won this, so I wouldn’t have to separate it again. I don’t know how much of this game was Buffalo sucking or Detroit punching above their weight. I’m inclined to believe the former of the two, especially since Allen didn’t look like himself for the 5th week in a row, but Detroit has lowkey impressed me these past few weeks. They’re better than their record suggests, and it shows today. They may have barely lost, thanks to the Bills’ high-end talent coming to save the day with 20 seconds left, but the door to January football is still wide open for these guys. With how weak the NFC is, they could make the playoffs if they can win out or finish 5-1. Now watch them collapse down the stretch and relapse back into mediocrity.
Giants 20, Cowboys 28
After this game, family members partaking in Thanksgiving across the US all sounded a collective groan. Not only would they have to watch a feel-good Giants team get smacked back to reality by a contender, but they also would have to deal with the cancer that is Cowboys fans for the rest of the night. I’ll give the Giants props for sticking around for three quarters, but this game shows they don’t have what it takes to keep up with the Joneses yet, regardless of Daboll’s excellent scheming. The common denominator of winning in this league is high-end talent, and the G-men don’t have that much of it yet. While this is a disappointing loss, they still have a pretty good shot at the playoffs. Their schedule is pretty easy, and 10-7 could get them in, given their conference.
Patriots 26, Vikings 33
If the last game was the food prep, this game was the feast. This game was an elite shootout featuring high scoring and good situational defense with a special-teams touchdown to complete a balanced Thanksgiving dinner. In the end, the Vikings won due to refball and the defense clamping down in the final minutes to hold off the Evil Empire. New England may have hung tough, but let’s be real, they had no chance facing Kirk Thuggins, who… oh god, has hinted at getting diamond grills. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many 1 PM games come January for him to dance shirtless after. He should enjoy this while he can.
Texans 15, Dolphins 30
This game was a lot uglier than the score suggests. Miami was up 30-0 by halftime and only allowed Houston back in it because they yanked Tua, thanks to him nearly dying on the field for the third time this season. The Texans continue their inevitable march to the first overall pick under the newly minted tank commander Kyle Allen, who is somehow still in the league. Miami may have looked like world-beaters, but it’s pretty easy to put up those stats when facing the Texans. Wake me up when they do this against a real team.
Bengals 20, Titans 16
Behold, a rematch of the 2022 divisional round! Like the last time these two met, this game was a defensive struggle, every yard valuable as the two teams jockeyed in no man’s land. What this game would come down to was who made more mistakes. Tennessee looked to have this game under wraps, but Cincy surged back in the 2nd half to take the lead and hold it. This is when David Long exposes himself as a double agent and runs into the snapper on a field goal, handing the Bengals the win. Just like January, the Titans beat themselves. I wouldn’t be too worried. Something went horribly wrong if they don’t win their weak division this year. It would be funny to see, though.
Broncos 10, Panthers 23
It’s time for the two greatest words in sports: TANK BOWL!
Two indescribably awful teams meet in a battle for draft position as both these teams’ seasons are unofficially over. Remember, folks, Denver thought they could compete this year and traded their first-round pick. Thus, they are technically representing Seattle in this marquee tank-off. The guy they traded the pick for doesn’t seem to be aware of this. Russ was cooking up a storm today. 19 of 35 for 140 yards and a garbage-time touchdown, a truly elite performance. Perhaps he wanted to give his former team one last bailout by giving them a higher draft pick. Carolina had to sit there and take all the gifts thrown at them as Denver got blown out of the water hilariously. Remember when these guys were AFC west favorites at the beginning of the year? Those were some good times.
Bears 10, Jets 31
After last week’s horrible performance and subsequent entitled press conference, the Jets benched Zach Wilson. You know what that means. THE RETURN OF MIKE WHITE, BABY! Look at him sling the ball in ways Wilson couldn’t! Gaze in awe as the entire team rallies around him while he delivers another elite performance. Sure, it was against the Bears, and they suck, but I DON’T CARE. Mike White is the new Midas, and everything he touches will turn to gold. This Jets team just got much more likable, and I love every single bit of it. If he does the same thing against Minnesota? He might make some serious bank this offseason. I must take a moment to thank the Bears’ defense for allowing the memes to run wild once again, which is honestly the best contribution they’ve made to the league all season.
Falcons 13, Commanders 19
This is what we call a crossroads game. The Falcons are reeling after a surprising start having lost their last two. The Commies replaced them at the overachievers’ table, having won 5 of 6. There couldn’t be a better setting for this game than in DC in the pouring rain. Due to the atrocious weather conditions, team offense was generally limited throughout the game, but the Commanders’ defense made critical plays to stuff Mariota. Heinicke made plays when he needed to, and Washington is now 7-5. Remember when everyone was calling them done after they started 1-4? They have erased all that with convincing victories and a 6-1 swing. They’re interesting going into the playoff push. Interesting.
The Commies may have won this game, but that won’t stop me from laughing at them yet again. The latest failure of the Commies and Dan Snyder involves one of their former players. Fifteen years ago, Sean Taylor, a standout defensive back for Washington at the time, was tragically killed in a home invasion trying to protect his family. In memory of Taylor, the Commies had announced they would unveil a Taylor statue before their game against Atlanta. What did this “statue” take the form of? A faceless mannequin dressed in Sean Taylor’s uniform. They also put little effort into the uniform itself. The facemask didn’t have Taylor’s trademark tape on it. They dressed him in soccer cleats! I get that it’s still a feel-good moment for Taylor’s family, but this shows that the organization hasn’t learned a thing and is only paying hollow lip service to the issue. The Commies had a golden opportunity to generate some goodwill for the rebrand and once again proved themselves spineless. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Dan Snyder can’t sell fast enough.
Buccaneers 17, Browns 23
Before this game, earlier in the week, a drunk guy broke into the Browns’ stadium, got a hold of a golf cart, and did donuts on the field, leaving deep ruts in it. Cleveland must have decided to improve their defenses and security thanks to this breach. No one else would be allowed to invade their house and do as they pleased. This included the Buccaneers. My friends, what we witnessed this past Sunday was an outright clinic on how to stop the Bucs offense. If a pass rush can get home with four guys and the secondary can cover a short field, it’s lights out for Tampa. Combine this with a Bucs defense that can’t stop Nick Chubb, and you’ve got a Cleveland victory to give them some semblance of a pulse with Watson coming back. Tampa still somehow leads the NFC South at 5-6. God, that division is such trash, and I love it.
Ravens 27, Jaguars 28
The Ravens travel to a humid Duval County coming off a terrible win against a team they should have crushed. I know what you’re thinking: this screams trap game. Trevor Lawrence may be developing slowly, but we tend to forget that he can still sling the ball when necessary. It hurt Baltimore in many spectacular ways today. Even after going for two to take the lead in the 4th quarter after a gutsy play call by Pederson, Baltimore managed to cut it to only a 67-yard attempt for Tucker. Apparently, 66 is his limit. The kick fell just short. The Jaguars have a signature win for their rebuild. It might have to wait until next year, but they could contend sometime down the road. Baltimore, meanwhile, drowns itself in the harbor as Harbaugh and Roman get placed back on the hot seat.
Raiders 40, Seahawks 34 (OT)
Who expected this game to be an offensive barnburner? I won’t say shootout, as most of the damage from both sides came on the ground. Both units also had help from some of the most heinous refball I’ve seen in a while. Start it off with a missed facemask by Josh Jacobs on a touchdown run. Then, on an interception by Quandre Diggs, a Seahawk backup came off the sidelines to help block, and somehow the refs didn’t notice him as he made the 12th man a literal advantage for Seattle. This game came down to the wire, with Josh Jacobs breaking off another long run to seal the game in overtime for Las Vegas. I’ve been impressed with them the last couple of weeks. If they win out, they could make the playoffs again. Knowing this, they will probably fall apart and lose out.
Chargers 25, Cardinals 24
I don’t care that the Chargers won. I don’t care that it was Staley’s idiot playcalling that somehow led to the win. LA should be pressing the gigantic red panic button inside Spanos’s nuclear bunker. They look like excrement. Against Kansas City, it was fine, but against Arizona? Their defense probably thinks cover 3 is a lottery game, for crying out loud. Despite this, the Chargers didn’t bother to show up until the 4th quarter, and they barely snagged away victory from the desert. This team has severe flaws and has proven time and time again that it can’t beat real teams. They need a statement win before I start riding them.
Saints 0, 49ers 13
The Niners are flying high after dominating Arizona last week and now face the closest thing to a doormat they can; a hot date at home with the Saints. Despite their defense putting up a valiant effort, their offense fell apart at the worst possible time and was stifled by the Niners’ defense. This game showed me that San Fran can win in another way: by sheer defensive will. They’re versatile, which is why I think they have a good chance going forward.
Rams 10, Chiefs 26
The downfall of LA continues in earnest as, once again, Matthew Stafford was injured and out for this game. This means that LA’s new quarterback is Bryce Perkins, a third-string quarterback. Unsurprisingly, there is no chance. The Chiefs were 15.5-point favorites in this one and made it look easy. LA tried to hang with them for 3 quarters, but there was no overcoming the high-end talent of the Chiefs. The Rams even made their defense look good. Completely undeserved, in my opinion.
Packers 33, Eagles 40
Folks, this is what it looks like to see a career wither and die. Coming off several embarrassing performances, the Packerena limped into Philly on a cold Sunday night and were beaten to a pulp by the Eagles. The Packers had no chance, despite their self-destruction to keep the game close. Even worse, Aaron Rodgers exited the game with a rib injury, and he didn’t look like himself all night long. The real eye of the fanbase should be on that defense. You know, the reputable group that has all kinds of talent? It turns out that missing both of their star linebackers will completely fleece it and turn them into a bunch of turnstiles. The Eagles dominated them all night long and gave the Cheeseheads Dom Capers flashbacks. At least Jordan Love took a few snaps and looked promising. The season might be lost, but they can see which QB they can ruin next after Rodgers retires soon.
Steelers 24, Colts 17
It is a matchup truly worthy of the Monday Night Football broadcast. Yes, my friends, A PRIMETIME TANK BOWL!
This was a tank bowl worthy of song. Two horrendous teams, locking horns in a primetime slot deserving of far better teams. Troy Aikman could have been calling Cowboy games instead of this trash, but he’s on a massive contract with ESPN, and they get what they pay for. Both offenses were stuck in the mud throughout the game as the defenses made consistent plays to keep the game at a deadlock. Did you enjoy Michael Pittman looking good these past few weeks? Well, that’s gone. Watch as he shows no effort on a play leading to an interception. Pittsburgh, in typical fashion, did nothing with the ball after that to continue the agony. With enough said, the Steelers were holding serve late, but the Colts were driving down the field. With 40 seconds left, Jeff Saturday shows his sports talk-show prowess by letting the clock run and making Indy rush their next play, leading to a turnover on downs and a loss. Pittsburgh may have won the game, but the Colts have won the tank. I wouldn’t be surprised if Irsay is deliberately sucking to get another top QB prospect to ruin.
Laughingstock of the week
To close things out, I’m going to try something new. The Laughingstock of the Week will be a new award that I crown at the end of every week, highlighting the team, person, or group that showcases the most stupidity and general ineptitude that week. I figured for this new tradition, I’d might as well show some transparency and introduce the finalists. They are:
Dan Campbell, for horrible clock management on the final drive, to give Buffalo an undeserved win.
Dan Snyder, for not selling the team fast enough and completely butchering the Sean Taylor memorial.
The Denver Broncos – just for being the Denver Broncos.
The Baltimore Ravens- for blowing a 9-point lead and collapsing on defense down the stretch to lose to the freaking Jaguars.
And Jeff Saturday, for his tank-saving buffoonery disguised as a two-minute drill against the Steelers.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome each time. Thus, the winner is, both for legit reasons and for meme potential, THE BALTIMORE RAVENS! For the fourth time this season, they blew a two-score lead to lose in embarrassing fashion to an opponent they should have crushed. All four of their losses have involved a double-digit lead. That is frankly astonishing. Did they mix up their bird species and think they were the Falcons or something? Jesus Christ, this team is a joke. Take your humiliating loss to the Jaguars and get out of my sight. See you next week when the same thing happens.
