Raiders 16, Rams 17
Well, this is a laugh. The Raiders have stifled the Rams and their new toy in Baker Mayfield for three quarters. The defense has been dominant, and the offense has done enough. With 3 minutes left, they kick back and relax. Unfortunately, this is where they were wrong. Seriously, a 4th quarter comeback? Another one? The scriptwriters outdid themselves on this one as the Rams got within a score, and then Baker Mayfield, who hadn’t been on the Rams for even three days, led a 98-yard drive to win the game. Now there’s the Raider defense we’ve known and mocked! It’s so fun that the memes are back. I don’t have to get creative anymore.
Vikings 23, Lions 34
A red-hot Detroit team hosting a Minnesota squad that has rattled off two straight against legit contenders. You couldn’t have a better atmosphere for Detroit to get their statement win. Their offense, once again, looked unstoppable against a stout D, and the defense seems to be finally getting its act together. However, the Vikings had their chances and failed. Justin Jefferson had over 200 yards on the day, and they still lost. Fortunately for the purple people eaters, any win in the next few weeks will clinch a playoff berth via a division title. Detroit, though, seems to be peaking at the right time, and with a softball schedule coming up, they could make some serious noise. Watch out. The NFC, the scorned bridesmaid in the rearview mirror, is closer than it appears.
Ravens 16, Steelers 14
There is only one way I can do this game justice. AND IT’S BY BRINGING BACK THE INJURY BOWL!
Both teams started the game decimated on the injury front. The Steelers were missing about half their offense, and the Ravens were missing a certain QB in the final year of his contract. But the fun doesn’t end there! Kenny Pickett was knocked out of the game, and Tyler Huntley followed suit in the 4th quarter. The situation got so bad for Baltimore that they had to bring in third-stringer Anthony Brown. The Steelers still couldn’t capitalize. Like most of their losses this year, the Steelers had a winnable situation on their hands and completely screwed it up. That optimism Yinzers were feeling after winning 3 of 4? Yup, that’s long gone now. Baltimore continues to defy the odds on its way to a first-round playoff elimination.
Browns 10, Bengals 23
Deshaun Watson’s first career start in 2017 was at Paul Brown Stadium. 5 years, 30 assaults, and a tarnished reputation later, he returns to that hallowed ground, this time as a division rival. The Bengals had other plans. Cincy’s defense continued its remarkable form from the past few weeks by suffocating yet another opponent into the ground. It also doesn’t help that Watson’s throwing mechanics are rusty due to a lack of massaging. The Bengals are looking scary. The offense needs no explanation, but if the defense can keep holding its own like this, another super bowl run might not be out of the question.
Jets 12, Bills 20
The pounding of the rain on a cold, unforgiving field: the start of a story usually only told in old NFL films content from the 70s. In the wind and elements of the Ralph, the Jets put on a vintage performance. By vintage, I mean what has been their norm for most of the past 40 years. Complete and utter offensive ineptitude was on the menu. Where do I even start? Overly conservative play calling. An offensive line decimated by injuries that led to Mike White running for his life all game. The Bills’ defense was treated to a feast for 60 straight minutes. Turnovers, sacks, and third down stops all day long. All the Bills’ offense had to do was score some points and hold onto the ball, and they did just that. While the elements played a part, this game showed that Buffalo is versatile. They can win by hanging 40 on opponents and strangling teams to death on defense. With this win, they maintain control of the #1 seed due to a tiebreaker over Kansas City. And next week? A certain team from the south gets to be on the other end of home-field advantage for a change. I bet the Bills will be looking forward to this one. Confiscate all the heaters, Buffalo. Just an idea.
Texans 23, Cowboys 27
Oh dear lord, the Cowboys are playing down to their competition on a grand scale. The Houston Texans marched into Jerryworld, and flat-out imposed their will for 50 straight minutes. They are going to upset Dallas and shake up the NFC playoff picture. Say it with me, everyone! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!! Wait, they didn’t win? What do you mean they didn’t win? Their defense sucks, and they can’t stop Zeke? Oh, joy. I know Dallas is puffing their chests in pride thanks to that final drive, but I have some choice words in response to that. Oh boy, you beat the Texans. Congratulations, you won against an openly tanking team that’s already been eliminated from the playoffs that was playing its backup quarterback. Forgive me if I need more than this to call them contenders. Houston, go jump off a pier. You had one job, and you failed.
Eagles 48, Giants 22
It’s at this point that many of us realize that the Giants’ record was vastly inflated due to terrible opponents and good luck. Exhibit A: their match against the Eagles. They got blown out in every conceivable metric. Horrible turnovers, offensive ineptitude, the defense imploding like the Hindenburg, and general doom-and-gloom were on the menu in Jersey today. Philly laughs in the background as they clinch the first playoff berth.
Playoff Bound: Philadelphia Eagles
Philly has assembled one of the best seasons in their recent memory to get another crack at January football. This team is stacked and will be a force come January. However, that division is going to be a bloodbath. Hopefully, they can get it done.
Jaguars 36, Titans 22
The Jaguars have heard tales of King Henry from their predecessors. Stories of his rummaging over their fine defense over the past few years have left Jacksonville bloodthirsty for revenge against the tyrant King of the Titans. They took it out this week. Against the Titans, in their own house, Jacksonville laid such a heavy beating on the Titans that it probably put a few more cracks into Nissan Stadium’s decomposing foundation. Trevor Lawrence had another great game, handing Tennessee their third straight loss as they fall into the pits of despair in terms of playoff seeding. Even worse, they haven’t clinched anything yet. They’re 7-6, but I wouldn’t rule out them losing and giving the division to Jacksonville. Knowing how this season has gone, that could happen.
Chiefs 34, Broncos 28
Broncos Country, Let’s Die! Denver enters this game dead in the water. Kansas City marched into their house and imposed their will for the first part of the game. So much so that they had jumped out to a 27-0 lead. However, something incredible happened. The Broncos finally began to have the offensive production they were hyped to have before the year. They scored points. They scored a lot of them. So many that they were able to make it a 1-score game in the 3rd quarter. But the fun ends there. KC woke up for a drive and took another two-score lead, and then the football gods decided to ruin the moment by injuring Russell Wilson. This was when all hope was lost. Brett Rypien doesn’t inspire confidence as Russ does. He throws a pick and allows KC to run out the clock. The Chiefs looked horrible, but they kept pace with the Bills as they battle for the #1 seed. As for Denver? They finally showed life on offense today. The cost? Playoff elimination.
Eliminated: Denver Broncos
Complete and utter failure. All those moves in the offseason, and they somehow did worse than last year. Russ looks washed, The Hack can’t call plays properly, or coach for his life, and they wasted that outstanding defense yet again. It might be time to break out the medicinal weed again, Broncos Country. You’re gonna need it.
Panthers 30, Seahawks 24
Carolina has lowkey impressed me these past few weeks. They’ve seen an NFC South wide open for the taking and have fought hard to claw back within a game of Tampa Bay. Going into Seattle in front of the Twelves was arduous, but Carolina jumped out to an early lead and never looked back. Or it’s because the Seahawks don’t have that overachieving spirit they had at the beginning of the year. They might be done. They’re currently out of a playoff spot after losing 3 of 4 and sitting at 7-6: panic time, Emerald City. Next week, you get the Niners. Yeah.
Buccaneers 7, 49ers 35
The GOAT headed into Santa Clara hungry for blood with a chance to make a statement. Unfortunately, he met a quarterback that even he could not best. That man’s name was Brock Purdy. Mr. Irrelevant relegated Tom Brady to irrelevance as the Niners instilled a spirited beating on him. Purdy had one of the best coming-out parties in recent memory, tossing 3 TDs as the Bucs defense decided to go back to early season mode and could not stop a tumbleweed. Unfortunately, you can’t just win by saying you have Tom Brady anymore. Welcome back to the mosh pit, Buccaneers. I hope you enjoy it.
Dolphins 17, Chargers 23
The Chargers are coming off an embarrassing loss to a bottom-feeder and are now facing a true contender at home in the Miami Dolphins. They made it look easy. Oh, so NOW you play up to your potential, LA? It’s about time! The offense was stymied as usual, but the star of the show tonight was the Charger defense. You know, the one that’s been broken on the wheel five times over on the injury front this year? They kept Miami and their offense in check all game long. Or that could be because the Dolphins are just soft and can only win by roasting their opponents to death at home. Seriously, you’re using propane heaters in 60-degree weather inside a dome? What will happen when you’re buried in a foot of snow in Buffalo next week? Seriously, Miami, get your act together. The last thing you need is a collapse after the run of form you guys have had. The Chargers win, and Kansas City still hasn’t clinched the division. Twenty-eight other fan bases are cheering as a result.
Patriots 27, Cardinals 13
We get a special prize in a Monday night throwdown in the desert. INJURY BOWL!
Both teams had their collective playoff hopes and team health sacrificed to the football gods on this glorious evening. The opening salvo of this match of pain and suffering would be catastrophic: A torn ACL for Kyler Murray on a non-contact play. With Colt McCoy in at quarterback, there was no chance for Arizona. But the fun doesn’t end there! Rondale Moore is out for the year. Byron Murphy and Rashaad Coward are dealing with stingers. The Patriots would keep their distance, but injuries also hampered them: a concussion for Davante Parker. Jack Jones, Ramondre Stevensen, and Isaiah Wynn also suffered injuries. The Patriots scored half their points on defense. That’s how bad it was for Arizona. As the winds of playoff elimination get ever closer, Cards fans can only lament ownership’s idiocy for extending Kingsbury and Keim before the season. Well done, lads.
Finally, it’s time for our LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WEEK!
This week, we have five nominees. They are:
- Jerry Tillary, for getting a taunting penalty after a 3rd down sack, keeping the Rams’ final drive alive.
- The Houston Texans, for blowing the game on the final drive and letting the Cowboys win.
- The Miami Dolphins, whose schematics somehow made Brandon Staley look like a genius.
- The Legion of (ka)Boom, for imploding and getting torched by Sam Darnold.
- And the Arizona Cardinals, just for being the Arizona Cardinals.
And the winner, whose choice may or may not have been influenced by the fact that I’m a fan of a division rival, is none other than the Miami Dolphins! If you’re struggling to put up points against a Chargers D with all their good players injured, there’s a problem. Just wait until they play in the snow next week.
