Eagles 29, Texans 17

This game was exhibit R as to why Thursday Night Football is a terrible blight on humanity. The Eagles looked unprepared and sloppy as they allowed Houston to keep it close for 3 quarters. After this charade, the top-heavy nature of the NFL restored itself as Philly cruised to yet another victory since Houston’s defense is about as porous as a hunk of Swiss. Philly goes to 8-0 as a result and gives Philadelphians a pound of flesh from Houston to compensate for all the misery from the world series.

Colts 3, Patriots 26

Remember when the Colts’ offensive line was considered the class of the NFL? I remember. About how everyone was praising them and their winning culture? That came to a screeching halt Sunday afternoon. Just like most other winnable games for them this year, Indy marched into Foxboro and got wrecked. That vaunted offensive line was a sieve today, allowing 9 sacks as the Colts couldn’t move on offense all day long. No mercy from the Patriots, who have now won 2 straight to thrust themselves back into the AFC playoff picture. Indy, meanwhile, falls into the pits of despair. 3-5-1 and they still have to play the rest of the NFC east. It’s not like I jinxed them or anything—oh, right, I had them going to the playoffs in my season preview.

After this alarming start, Ballard finally pulled the trigger. Frank Reich has been fired. It honestly should have happened after last year’s choke against the Jaguars, but Carson Wentz was sacrificed to Ballard instead in a desperation maneuver. Reich was way past his expiration date with the team, and his baffling play-calling and decisions this year proved it. Nonetheless, he is a good coach when put in the right situation. The Colts’ perennial playoff contention since he got hired is proof of such thinking. He won’t be out in the cold for long.

Packers 9, Lions 15

Green Bay has hit rock bottom. Against the Commies and Bills, you could excuse their god-awful performances as both those teams have solid defenses, but against this outfit? The worst defense in the league by every conceivable metric outright owned Rodgers and the Packers all day long. The Packerena needed a strong performance to save their season and what they got instead was 3 red zone interceptions and getting stopped on 4th down 3 other times. Aren’t you guys so proud, cheeseheads? Your team just lost to one of the worst teams in football. This is a team that is openly tanking for Bryce Young and you allowed them to waltz all over Ford Field. What a waste of that defense. Embarrassing.

Chargers 20, Falcons 17

Two teams that like nothing more than choking the game away to a crowd of mostly stadium seats. This glorious match somehow has playoff implications as well, due to inflated records and weak conferences in the case of Atlanta. Throughout the game, the tension was tight, and both teams traded blows and tried to hand each other the game at the same time. However, there was hope. The Falcons picked off Herbert on their final drive. Unfortunately, there’s a catch. The returner fumbled the football and gave it right back to the Chargers. They proceed to march down the field and boot the game-winning field goal. Atlanta is back to horrible pain, and Brandon Staley survives yet another undeserved day before out-geniusing himself out of his coaching position.

Bills lol, Jets 20

This game did not happen. I refuse to believe it. They lost to the freaking Jets and now I’m going to get dunked on for the rest of the year at minimum. I need another article to discuss this dubious game in more detail. Can North Korea just nuke us already, please? I need an out from the pain.

Vikings 20, Commanders 17

This dubious game does not get such an honor. Galvanized by 3 straight wins, Washington welcomed their old quarterback into the FedEx landfill and bullied him for 3 quarters straight. A 17-7 lead should put them away. Wait, never mind, since the Commies reverted to past form and allowed Minnesota to do just enough to escape with a win. This has been the story of the Vikings so far; look awful and are exposed against inferior competition but find a way to win regardless. Next week, though, will be the true test. For the sake of my sanity, I hope they lose in humiliating fashion.

Panthers 21, Bengals 42

Poaching is a serious issue in North America. Illegal hunting of Panthers has been prevalent for generations and has reduced their population to a mere hundreds. But what if I told you that the NFL not only encourages such actions but actively partakes in them as well? My friends, that’s exactly what happened this past Sunday, as Carolina walked into Paycor Stadium and was predictably slaughtered and hunted to extinction. 35 unanswered points scored by the Bungles before the Panthers’ offense even considered showing up. Cincy may have saved their season with this one, and they made it look easy. As for Carolina, the road to the top draft pick never ends. Carry on.

Raiders 20, Jaguars 27

The good news for the Raiders is that they scored points. 17 of them unanswered to start the game, to be exact. Remember what happened last time Vegas started a game this way? They collapsed on the road and allowed a team caught in a beartrap to escape into a running car and plow them over with it. Yet another humiliation was on the docket this week, as the Jags dominated in the second half to not only keep their season on life support but hand the Raiders yet another loss in a game they needed to win to keep their dwindling playoff hopes alive. Josh McDaniels isn’t on the hot seat—he’s upgraded to a bonfire.

Dolphins 35, Bears 32

While it probably won’t matter this season thanks to the Bears’ slow start, this may have been a breakout game for Justin Fields. 4 total touchdowns, 3 of them passing, and over 175 yards on the ground, a truly magnificent performance. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about their defense. Who knew that trading away their two best players would make them weak and unable to stop a feather against a quality offense? They got picked to the bone by a Dolphins offense that has looked highly suspect these past few weeks. I’ll give them credit for sticking around until the end, but 3-6 is a tough hole to climb out of. Then again, with how insane this season has been, it’s not impossible.

Seahawks 31, Cardinals 21

These two teams are in opposite positions than where I thought they would be back in their season preview. I figured the Cardinals would be contenders while Seattle would be deep into a tank year. What has happened instead is that Arizona is clinging to a ledge while the eternally underrated Seahawks have hit a stride we haven’t seen out of them since their Super Bowl window a decade ago. They look legit, and they made it known in style, marching into Arizona and imposing their will on a battered and fatigued Cardinals team that has now resorted to scrapping each other on the sidelines. I must say, Seattle is turning a lot of heads with this streak they’re on. I don’t know if this is sustainable, especially from Geno, but consider me intrigued. However, I won’t lavish too much praise on them yet, especially with how my playoff predictions are turning out so far. Gotta play it safe.

Rams 13, Buccaneers 16

This was one of the worst excuses for a Nantz and Romo game I’ve seen in a while. Terrible offensive line play, an inability to move the ball, and both teams were in the single digits well into the third quarter. Oh, and Brady got his 100,000^th passing yard. I don’t know if the media has rubbed it in our faces enough, but instead, we can watch him get stopped on a 4th and 6 to give the ball back to LA with under 2 minutes to play. They may have been forced to punt but Brady was starting on his own 40 with no timeouts and 45 seconds. Rams fans thought they had this in the bag. The defense then told them to hold their drink. Leaving the sidelines and short passes open, they willingly allowed Brady to pick them apart as he marched down the field for a touchdown as the Rams snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Tampa Bay is consumed by false hope as they drunkenly stumble into a tie with Atlanta for the division. All of the 13 Rams fans now want Jalen Ramsey burned at the stake.

Titans 17, Chiefs 20

The Titans have had a very weak schedule, but a 5-game winning streak is nothing to take lightly, especially with the performance they put on at Arrowhead. Despite their offense deciding to sell at the worst possible time, the defense suffocated KC for 3 quarters and made all their skill players throw fits on the sidelines. With a more experienced QB and nonpartisan officials, they probably win this game. This is Tennessee’s loss to be proud of. They may have come up short, but putting up that kind of defensive showing against Mahomes is no joke. I’m kind of proud of them in a way. Just thank the lord the AFC South is as trash as it is right now.

Ravens 27, Saints 13

On this hallowed Monday Night on Bourbon Street, we took a trip back in time to the age of the Romans. A bunch of battered, fatigued Saints led by Andy Dalton were chucked into the arena and slowly pecked to death by the Ravens in an act of religious persecution. After this brutal annihilation, the corpse of the New Orleans offense was laid out and feasted upon by the carrion birds that are the Baltimore defense. They were relentless, they were solid, and they made big splash plays to secure the win. However, this might be going against their true best interests. Remember, each win is another undeserved day that Harbaugh and Roman are secure in their jobs. Ravens fans should be hoping they lose so that some long-overdue change is made to the coaching staff.

The Bills just played their worst game of the season. Even worse than the Miami game that was also separated. You know what this means. I need more than a recap segment to cover this, erm… glorious occasion. Somebody kill me, please.

The buildup to this game was pretty unassuming. The Bills were coming off a win, but admittedly a lackluster performance against a Packers team deep into a decline. The Jets, meanwhile, were coming off their worst game of the season; a 22-10 loss to a Patriots team that looked dead on arrival. However, this wouldn’t be Bills football without more injuries on defense, because we haven’t had enough of that over the past month and change. This time, safety Jordan Poyer and the Bills’ best linebacker in Matt Milano were both injured and out for the game. Also, as usual, Buffalo entered the game as a huge favorite. -400 to be exact. Despite the injury concerns, it was looking to be a stomping of all things Jets.

It seemed that way to start. The Jets did their typical thing of tripping over themselves- quite literally. Their punter slipped on the opening kickoff and the Bills recovered at the 45-yard line. One play later and they were in the red zone. What happened next? Allen lobbing a meatball to the defense for an easy pick… wait, what? That’s not in the script. Oh well, then. Hopefully, the interception would lead them to realize the Jets would play hard. They seemed to get the message. A 3-and-out gave the ball right back to Buffalo, who drove the length of the field for an efficient touchdown. The Jets would go back down the field for a field goal, but this is Buffalo, they’ll ram the ball and finish it early. So their offense stalled out, too. Okay, time to settle for plan B: Have the defense turn into a brick wall. They made stop after stop as the Jets could do nothing with the ball. Even the offense woke from its underachieving slumber to score another touchdown. The Bills were suffocating the Jets in their own home, everything was going to plan- until their defense chose to bend on the final drive of the half to allow a touchdown.

With the game at 14-10 at halftime, there weren’t any serious issues that were bubbling to the surface. Yes, it probably shouldn’t have been a 1-score game and Allen looked a little off, but the Bills had been a 2nd half team all year. They would wake up in the 3rd quarter to finish the Jets.

Or not, as they keep getting in their own way on offense. It’s alright, though, look at the defense recover a Jets fumble in the red zone for a critical stop! It would be roses and sunshine as Allen drops back to throw… another pick. This was one of the worst performances I’ve personally seen Allen put up. Wildly inaccurate, reverting to rookie form, and unable to throw downfield. He’s lucky the Jets DBs couldn’t catch a cold, or he would have had at least 3 more interceptions. The Jets take advantage of the prime field position to score a touchdown. It’s all right, though, the Bills went down and tied the game at 17. Even better, they stopped the Jets and had another chance to punch it in. In typical fashion as of late, they stalled out thanks to an underthrown ball and punt the ball back to the Jets. This is where the Bills’ defense finally broke. Gashed by the Jets’ running game all 2nd half, they willingly lied down and allowed the Jets to get into field goal range. They took the lead with a minute and change left, but if anyone could come from behind in this situation, it’s the Bills. Watch them go, as… a holding call backs them up and they turn it over on downs. Jets win.

This was honestly one of the worst games I’ve seen out of the Bills in a very long time. The Miami game could be excused due to the conditions, but this? Against an 11.5-point underdog, with no wind, mild temperatures, and none of their offensive skill players injured? This should have been cake! They proceeded to blow it, just like most other times they’re facing an inferior opponent. The Jets’ defense was in and out of the infirmary for most of the game. Even with everything lining up in the Bills’ favor, they still found a way to screw up immaculately and made the Buttfumblers’ defense look like the ‘85 Bears. New York did nothing special. They were fine, but they didn’t make that many big plays that weren’t handed to them by Buffalo. The Bills beat themselves, just like most of their losses over the past two seasons. It’s the equivalent of the Luigi wins by doing nothing meme. Now they’re potentially in trouble with Minnesota coming up next week and only a half-game lead in the division. Oh yeah- the division. What was once thought of as all but Buffalo’s property is now up in the air once again as the Jets and Dolphins both hold tiebreakers. Shameful.

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Ravens 27, Buccaneers 22

A matchup hyped as a clash of the titans before the year instead turned out to be a battle between struggling, mid-tier squads trying to keep pace in their respective conferences. Throughout the game, Baltimore would continually prove itself superior. It probably had something to do with the Bucs’ offense struggling to get going again, but a win is a win, especially in Baltimore. They also managed to hang onto a double-digit lead, something quite foreign as of late. The Bucs, meanwhile, should be in panic mode. Tom Brady’s swan song is not going well for him at all. Maybe he should pull a Vontae Davis and retire at halftime next week.

Broncos 21, Jaguars 17

Yes, another London game. The NFL wants to showcase the best and brightest the league has to offer. I mean, there is a former first-overall pick leading the way. He felt like shooting his team in the foot yet again on the international stage. This week’s serving of misery, two picks as the Jags go back into freefall. Remember that optimism their fans felt after week 3, yep, that’s all gone now. Denver barely had to even try, just maintaining a pulse would have won this game. They keep their slim playoff hopes alive with this win.

Dolphins 31, Lions 27

Every time I think Detroit can’t one-up themselves in the disappointment and fan agony department, they find a way to up the ante tenfold. This week, it started with accruing a 27-17 lead by halftime and then imploding to allow 14 unanswered to lose the game and fall to 1-6. While they are better than their record, the Lions’ issues are starting to bubble up to the surface. Their defense is terrible. I could literally use a handheld fan to blow them over. They allowed a Dolphins group that has had trouble on offense to keep pace with them to secure the ugly W. Next week, they get the Packers at home in the dome. Maybe the offense will finally show up for all 60 minutes.

Panthers 28, Falcons 34

It’s a match between two mediocre teams fighting for first place in the worst division in football. You know what this means. A HEAVYWEIGHT INEPTITUDE BOWL!!!

This game lived up to the hype. Penalties, turnovers, defensive collapses, this game had it all. Atlanta looked to have this game in cruise control, but Carolina was clawing back with 15 points in the 4th quarter. Even then, it looked like the end was near. Carolina was on their own 38 down by 6 with 12 seconds left. What’s a more Falcons thing to do than to give up a 62-yard hail mary to tie the game? Oh, but the ineptitude and choking went both ways in this game. Enter DJ Moore, who took off his helmet during the touchdown celebration triggering a 15-yard taunting penalty, and pushing the game-winning extra point back to 48 yards. Piniero misses and the game goes to overtime. That’s not all on the Carolina side, though. After stopping the Falcons on the first drive of overtime, what is their logical response? Missing another field goal. This time, a 31-yard chip shot. In a dome. This is when the Falcons finally get their act together and drive the length of the field for a successful kick of their own. They lead the NFC south as a result of this win. It’s a step in the right direction, but this team is better than their record suggests. If it weren’t for choking and refball, they would be 6-2 right now. Arthur Smith has done a phenomenal job so far. As for Carolina, this one stings. 2-6 is a hard hole to climb out of, but this NFL season has been so crazy that anything is possible at this point.

Cardinals 26, Vikings 34

Minnesota is coming off their bye week. They need some training wheels to get back into the flow of the season. Hey look, the Arizona Cardinals! They are the perfect antidote to any rust a team may accrue. In addition to their defense being terrible by default, they also have all their running backs injured, meaning the Vikings D could zone in on the pass. It got a bit scary for Minnesota near the end, but they prevailed thanks to their offensive firepower and Kyler Murray auditioning for gamer of the year with two picks. I still don’t know what to think of the Vikings, though. The 6-1 record is impressive, but there are inherent flaws in their organization that will likely be exposed when they face real teams. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, turmoil once again engulfs the desert as the calls for Kliff Kingsbury to be fired keep mounting. He’s not on a hot seat, he’s upgraded to a spit roast.

Bears 29, Cowboys 49

It’s amazing what can happen when a young backup is unexpectedly thrust into a starting role due to injury. It sometimes results in that player putting their name on the map in bold font with a breakout performance. Folks, on Sunday, we witnessed such a game from Tony Pollard. Free from the shackles of Zeke, he ran all over Jerry World to have a career day. 131 yards on the ground and 3 touchdowns on just 14 carries. Now a running back controversy surfaces. Pollard is good, but do they go back to Zeke once he’s healthy? Given the issues Dallas was dealing with earlier in the season, this is a good problem to have.

Bears fans, though, were forced to take the L for the second time in two days. An era is officially over. Roquan Smith is gone. What was once the pride of Ryan Pace’s draft resume has now been dealt to the Baltimore Ravens for a 2nd and a 5th-round pick. With that, all the members of the Monsters of Midway front 7 are now gone. The sad part is that the Bears could have been so much better. They had it all. The best defense in football, a potent running game, and explosive wide receivers, were all wasted. I know Bears fans will, by default, blame Parkey for this, but the real eye of the fanbase should be on Nagy and Pace. Their neglect of the QB position is the reason the Bears are irrelevant and spinning the tires right now. What a shame.

Raiders 0, Saints 24

Good news, boys! If you played fantasy football and scored any points last week, you were officially more productive than the Raiders offense. They got shut out by the Saints. The same injury-riddled mess of a defense that got torched by Arizona of all teams. Derek Carr could get nothing going on offense all game and produced so many turnovers you would think he ran a bakery. Vegas didn’t even get past midfield until the 4th quarter; they were that suffocated. It got so bad that Carr was benched for Jarrett Stidham. And he did a significantly better job. Panic time, Raider Nation. Your hunt for a head coach after the Gruden fallout will continue in earnest. Josh McDaniels is not the droid you’re looking for. In fact, he is a perfect microcosm of this organization; full of disappointment and failure.

Steelers 13, Eagles 35

This is what the college ranks would call “the win-padding game” where the superior team brings some weak cannon fodder to their stadium to get the brakes beat off them to tens of thousands of fans. The benefit of college is that those teams are paid to get cattle-prodded on national television. The Steelers are not. This week, they got completely owned by the Eagles’ defense and their new toy in Robert Quinn thanks to handless receivers and an awful offensive line. 6 sacks for the Birds’ front seven as this game wasn’t anywhere near competitive. The road to the first overall pick continues in earnest for the Black and Gold brigade. Wake me up when that fraud Matt Canada gets fired.

Patriots 22, Jets 17

New England’s season may be a trainwreck so far, but they can indulge in a familiar pastime to get their minds off it: dunking on the Jets. Even at 5-2, their offense would be easy prey for the Pats’ defense. Zach Wilson reverted to rookie form today, throwing 3 picks and reminding everyone that the Jets are simply overachieving and still aren’t very sustainable. This game was over by the time the Pats took the lead in the 3rd quarter, and the Buttfumble squad spent the rest of the game fruitlessly playing catch-up as Belichick toyed with them. That’s 13 straight losses to your abusive schoolmasters in New England now. See you in Foxboro for another wasted defensive effort, New Jersey! Next week, you get the Bills. You’re going to need all the help you get.

Titans 17, Texans 10

I have one takeaway from this game: Malik Willis ain’t ready yet. He was thrust into play thanks to a Tannehill illness. For all those Titans fans clamoring to see him start, you’d might as well duck and cover, as Willis went 6 for 10 with a pick. Fortunately, the Titans have a different weapon they can utilize when their passing attack is neutralized; the wrecking ball of Derrick Henry. He was the only reason Tennessee won this game, and ran all over the Texans’ defense for over 200 yards. Despite this, they only scored 17 points against the worst team in football. The Titans go to 5-2, but a pretty weak one. I’ll just wait until the annual playoff choke to ridicule them any further.

Giants 13, Seahawks 27

I knew this was long overdue for the Giants. They’re a young team with a first-year coach that plays a highly unsustainable style. It was only a matter of time until their various self-inflicted wounds caught up with them. The Seahawks are just the kind of team that will capitalize on such errors. Thanks to awful special teams play and a collapsing defense, the Giants were brought back to earth in convincing fashion as, don’t look now, Seattle has won their 3rd straight and are looking like world beaters. Geno Smith’s revenge tour is going nicely, and a win against the other mistake from Jersey in week 17 will complete his arc.

Commanders 17, Colts 16

The Colts are in a state of freefall. Matt Ryan was benched after last week’s debacle for gross incompetence and a cooked arm. In comes Sam Ehlinger and the offense predictably stuck to its script of shooting themselves in the foot for every toe they have. Their scrum against the Commies was a comedy of errors from the get-go. Fumbles, turnovers, and punting as far as the eye could see- at least until the 4th quarter. It is here that the offense wakes up and guides them to a 6-point lead with less than a minute left. It would take a miracle for Washington to come back. Wouldn’t you know it, that’s just what happened. The Colts’ defense, learning nothing from the past few weeks, got wrecked on a hail mary and a subsequent goal line play, allowing Washington to score a touchdown and win the game with an extra point. I must tip my cap to the Commanders. They’ve used some impressive sorcery to revive their dead season. The schedule gets a good bit tougher from this point forward, but I’m intrigued to see how far their momentum carries them. If anyone can motivate these guys to play hard, it’s Ron Rivera.

49ers 31, Rams 14

San Fran going into LA and utterly owning the Rams in a pivotal game. Now, where have I seen this before? The Niners stuck to their usual routine of relegating the Rams to property in the regular season. This week’s honorary ram-beater was Christian McCaffrey, who became only the 3rd running back in history to have a triple crown in touchdowns. That’s 4 straight season sweeps of the Rams in the regular season now. This was a good bounceback from the KC debacle last week.

Packers 17, Bills 27

So this is what it looks like to see a career wither and die. A depleted Packers squad with Aaron Rodgers frustrated because all of his good wide receivers are in the hospital would be easy prey for, let’s see here, the Bills. Surprisingly, this game wasn’t an absolute blowout as was foreseen, thanks to Josh Allen reverting to rookie form in the 2nd half, but even then, it was too little, too late. Buffalo soars to their best start since 1993 at 6-1 with this win, as Green Bay is now teetering on the edge of the pits of despair. Inking Rodgers to that giant contract before the season may have been a mistake. All their eggs are now in one basket and they have no set plan B. The barren tundra of Lambeau might be getting a lot colder soon.

Bengals 13, Browns 32

The Battle of Ohio. The only thing this snooze fest of a game ever tells us is which coach is closer to being fired. This year, it’s Zac Taylor. This level of talent from the Bungles should not be hovering around .500 this far into the season. Something needs to change, and it needs to start with the guy calling the plays. The Bungles went into the Dawg Pound and got wrecked. Jacoby Brissett torched that grease fire they call a defense, and they had no answers for Amari Cooper all night long. Super Bowl contenders? They might not even make the playoffs this year. They need Ja’Marr back and they need him back now.