Titans 27, Packers 17
You may be expecting me to lavish endless praise on the Titans for turning their season around, but I’m not impressed. They beat the Packers. Congratulations, Tennessee, you beat an underachieving team with handless receivers in a game that was closer than it should have been. They go to 7-3, but it comes with a major asterisk. They’ve had a pathetic schedule, benefited from an even weaker division than usual, and their three losses have come against quality opponents. They may win the AFC South by default this year, but they look like another one-and-done, just like every other team that comes out of that division. As for Green Bay, they’re 4-7. With Rodgers at QB, I can’t call them dead until they’re officially eliminated, but call this a step in the right direction.
Bears 24, Falcons 27
It’s crazy to think that this was the best game of the early window. Not a match between playoff contenders, but two mediocre teams coming off of embarrassing self-inflicted losses. Throughout the game, Atlanta would cling to the Bears on the scoresheet and eventually pull ahead thanks to the heroics of one Cordarrelle Patterson. The Falcons win and keep pace with Tampa in their division, while the Bears fall to 3-8. At least they’ll have their first-round pick this year.
Eagles 17, Colts 16
Philly, despite their glossy exterior, might be beginning to deteriorate from the inside. Despite their strong record, they have looked horrible these last few weeks. It looked like another embarrassment this week for three quarters. The Eagles, once again, struggled to gain traction on offense against a team without that great of a defense. Try the Colts. Led by Jeff Saturday, Indy was able to accrue a 16-10 lead with 2 minutes left. Unfortunately, this is where the Birds’ offense finally wakes up and guides them to an ugly, ugly win. Next week, though, they face a real quarterback. He may not have anything around him but primetime Aaron Rodgers is always a threat.
Jets 3, Patriots 10
This game took us back to the 1970s in terms of gameplay. Two teams fighting for playoff positioning brawling on the frozen tundra of Foxboro. The defenses had a field day all game. The offenses were unable to gain any traction in no man’s land. What this game would come down to was who made more mistakes. The Patriots missed a field goal after taking a bad sack early in the game, but the game was still tied 3-3 deep into the 4th quarter. What the Patriots needed was a miracle. What they got was a miracle. New York’s 10th punt of the day getting returned for a touchdown. Sure, the punter may have been shanking his kicks all game, but this was a moment when you need to punt it out of bounds. With how exhausted the special teams units were, did you really expect them to hold this late in the game? I missed making fun of the Jets every week. Glad to know I have my punching bag back.
Commanders 23, Texans 10
The Commies and their run of form over the last few weeks get a reprieve from their tough schedule: Houston. They may be “professional”, but they lack any kind of organization or talent. CFL teams could probably beat the Texans right now. Call this a reward for Washington’s gutsy win at the Linc last week. They just had to sit around and watch as Davis Mills made mistake after mistake to let them cruise to victory. Given past seasons, I have reason to be skeptical, but at 6 and 5 with an easy schedule left, I wouldn’t rule out a playoff berth. With how bad the NFC is this year, it’s certainly possible. For the sake of Taylor Heinicke, I hope they make it.
Rams 20, Saints 27
Two teams with lofty expectations have been converted into all but a morgue for the injured. Two teams went all-in by giving their first-round picks to other teams. The Rams representing Detroit, and the Saints representing Philly, in the two most ignominious words in sports. TANK BOWL!
The Rams and Saints in a tank bowl match, let’s just say I didn’t have this in the itinerary when the season started. But they both are near the bottom of the standings, so yes, this is a tank bowl. Throughout the game, the Saints would continually prove themselves superior, with Chris Olave having quite possibly his breakout game. But, like the Championship game from 2018, the Rams claim the ultimate prize. Their season is unofficially over, and they get to give charity to Detroit by means of trading all their first-round picks.
Browns 23, Bills 31
Buffalo winters are cruel and unforgiving. The weather must have realized that a lopsided football game was going to take place, and brought about an epic snowstorm. The weather would have made this game infinitely more enjoyable to watch, but unfortunately, the NFL chose this moment to finally care about player safety and moved the game indoors to Detroit. In the neutral confines of Ford Field, the Bills were finally able to win a game that they should have by a lot more. This should have been worse, but Tyler Bass had to kick 6 field goals thanks to the Bills’ offense sucking in the red zone for the 4th straight week. This comes with a gigantic asterisk that it’s against Cleveland, but call this a tuneup for real teams. The Bills should be thankful for easy opponents. And they should be extra thankful they play the Lions on Turkey Day.
Panthers 3, Ravens 13
In a rain-soaked Baltimore, these two squads blessed us with the greatest gift of all. A LEGENDARY INEPTITUDE BOWL!
Carolina needs no introduction to these magnificent games. They have been in freefall ever since the season started. Baker has looked horrible, they fired their head coach and traded away every offensive player that might have made them relevant. Baltimore, meanwhile, desires more of a subtle approach. Their offense is garbage. I don’t know if it’s Lamar, Greg Roman, or Harbaugh, but something has been off these past few weeks. Fortunately, they are playing Carolina and were able to reach out and grab a free win that should have been a lot uglier than it was.
Lions 31, Giants 18
If you watched this game with no background context, you might think the Lions were the team coming in with a 7-2 record. They completely dominated a Giants team that had no answers for Jamal Williams or any part of their offense. The defense played lights out and sculpted their game plan to force Daniel Jones to throw. He did as well as you might expect when forced to carry the load. As the lions march on to victory, they also march on to second place in the NFC north. At 4-6. Minnesota is getting a home playoff game by default, aren’t they?
Cowboys 40, Vikings 3
The Vikings must have realized that the division was basically theirs already, and chose to take Sunday off as the Cowboys walked all over them. The Vikings were completely dominated embarrassingly on their home soil. That defense feasted for most of the game, and Dallas’s running game flat-out imposed their will against an emotionally drained defense. Mike McCarthy may be a terrible coach, but he will forever make Minnesota his second home. Just like every other big win for the Vikings in their history, they took the field in the next game and got wrecked. Seems to be a trend as of late.
Raiders 22, Broncos 16 (OT)
Remember the magic of week 6? When I declared that all in-division matchups in the AFC west not involving KC would be automatic ineptitude bowls? Well, it also happens that these two teams have trainwreck seasons. With the Broncos representing Seattle, it’s time for a TANK BOWL!
This game lived up to all the dubious hype from beforehand. Terrible offensive play, both defenses being made to look like the ‘85 bears, and outstanding ineptitude by both teams. Both offenses failed to gain traction. The grass at Mile High must have been sacred, as both units were unwilling to even touch it. Do you know what this glorious match needs? Overtime! However, this is when the Raiders finally get their act together and score a touchdown. Denver now hits rock bottom. They got swept by the worst team in their division. They also don’t have their first-round pick this year. Wonderful.
Bengals 37, Steelers 30
Yet another winnable game that the Steelers chose to give away on a gold plate. Surprisingly, the culprit of this choke is not the offense, as they kept it close. It’s the defense. Despite getting TJ Watt back, they continually gave up swaths of yardage to a Bengals offense without Joe Mixon or Ja’Marr Chase. Cincinnati controls its destiny for the playoffs thanks to this win. Pittsburgh now falls to 3-7. I wouldn’t look down there, it’s only death and despair for miles around.
Chiefs 30, Chargers 27
No matter the magnitude, no matter how good either team is, Chiefs vs Chargers will always be a shootout. How can we hypothesize this? Both defenses are garbage and have been bad for many years. The offenses had carte blanche for most of the game. They even let Justin Herbert throw deep for the first time since the stone age. With enough said, the Chargers were holding their own and had taken the lead deep in the 4th quarter. However, they made one critical mistake: they left too much time on the clock. Mahomes methodically marched down the field for a game-winning touchdown. As for the Chargers? Pain. and a .500 record.
49ers 38, Cardinals 10
Oh, god. Estadio Azteca would be home to a pre-colombian throwback performance today. The needless sacrifice of the Cardinals to appease the gods would be on the docket for tonight. The priest performing this ritual was the 49ers, who were nye unstoppable for most of the game. George Kittle imitated a wrecking ball and ran all over the battered Cardinals’ defense for swaths of yardage. Arizona’s offense didn’t fare much better. Faced with a stout defense and no running game thanks to their offensive line coach being fired for groping someone the night before the game. The Niners cruise to victory and an NFC West division lead as a result. I had my doubts before the year, but if the offense can keep that up, this team is a super bowl contender. Arizona, meanwhile, would love to clean house, but they extended Kingsbury and Keim through 2027 this past march. I think they might be regretting that.
