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Ravens 27, Buccaneers 22
A matchup hyped as a clash of the titans before the year instead turned out to be a battle between struggling, mid-tier squads trying to keep pace in their respective conferences. Throughout the game, Baltimore would continually prove itself superior. It probably had something to do with the Bucs’ offense struggling to get going again, but a win is a win, especially in Baltimore. They also managed to hang onto a double-digit lead, something quite foreign as of late. The Bucs, meanwhile, should be in panic mode. Tom Brady’s swan song is not going well for him at all. Maybe he should pull a Vontae Davis and retire at halftime next week.
Broncos 21, Jaguars 17
Yes, another London game. The NFL wants to showcase the best and brightest the league has to offer. I mean, there is a former first-overall pick leading the way. He felt like shooting his team in the foot yet again on the international stage. This week’s serving of misery, two picks as the Jags go back into freefall. Remember that optimism their fans felt after week 3, yep, that’s all gone now. Denver barely had to even try, just maintaining a pulse would have won this game. They keep their slim playoff hopes alive with this win.
Dolphins 31, Lions 27
Every time I think Detroit can’t one-up themselves in the disappointment and fan agony department, they find a way to up the ante tenfold. This week, it started with accruing a 27-17 lead by halftime and then imploding to allow 14 unanswered to lose the game and fall to 1-6. While they are better than their record, the Lions’ issues are starting to bubble up to the surface. Their defense is terrible. I could literally use a handheld fan to blow them over. They allowed a Dolphins group that has had trouble on offense to keep pace with them to secure the ugly W. Next week, they get the Packers at home in the dome. Maybe the offense will finally show up for all 60 minutes.
Panthers 28, Falcons 34
It’s a match between two mediocre teams fighting for first place in the worst division in football. You know what this means. A HEAVYWEIGHT INEPTITUDE BOWL!!!
This game lived up to the hype. Penalties, turnovers, defensive collapses, this game had it all. Atlanta looked to have this game in cruise control, but Carolina was clawing back with 15 points in the 4th quarter. Even then, it looked like the end was near. Carolina was on their own 38 down by 6 with 12 seconds left. What’s a more Falcons thing to do than to give up a 62-yard hail mary to tie the game? Oh, but the ineptitude and choking went both ways in this game. Enter DJ Moore, who took off his helmet during the touchdown celebration triggering a 15-yard taunting penalty, and pushing the game-winning extra point back to 48 yards. Piniero misses and the game goes to overtime. That’s not all on the Carolina side, though. After stopping the Falcons on the first drive of overtime, what is their logical response? Missing another field goal. This time, a 31-yard chip shot. In a dome. This is when the Falcons finally get their act together and drive the length of the field for a successful kick of their own. They lead the NFC south as a result of this win. It’s a step in the right direction, but this team is better than their record suggests. If it weren’t for choking and refball, they would be 6-2 right now. Arthur Smith has done a phenomenal job so far. As for Carolina, this one stings. 2-6 is a hard hole to climb out of, but this NFL season has been so crazy that anything is possible at this point.
Cardinals 26, Vikings 34
Minnesota is coming off their bye week. They need some training wheels to get back into the flow of the season. Hey look, the Arizona Cardinals! They are the perfect antidote to any rust a team may accrue. In addition to their defense being terrible by default, they also have all their running backs injured, meaning the Vikings D could zone in on the pass. It got a bit scary for Minnesota near the end, but they prevailed thanks to their offensive firepower and Kyler Murray auditioning for gamer of the year with two picks. I still don’t know what to think of the Vikings, though. The 6-1 record is impressive, but there are inherent flaws in their organization that will likely be exposed when they face real teams. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, turmoil once again engulfs the desert as the calls for Kliff Kingsbury to be fired keep mounting. He’s not on a hot seat, he’s upgraded to a spit roast.
Bears 29, Cowboys 49
It’s amazing what can happen when a young backup is unexpectedly thrust into a starting role due to injury. It sometimes results in that player putting their name on the map in bold font with a breakout performance. Folks, on Sunday, we witnessed such a game from Tony Pollard. Free from the shackles of Zeke, he ran all over Jerry World to have a career day. 131 yards on the ground and 3 touchdowns on just 14 carries. Now a running back controversy surfaces. Pollard is good, but do they go back to Zeke once he’s healthy? Given the issues Dallas was dealing with earlier in the season, this is a good problem to have.
Bears fans, though, were forced to take the L for the second time in two days. An era is officially over. Roquan Smith is gone. What was once the pride of Ryan Pace’s draft resume has now been dealt to the Baltimore Ravens for a 2nd and a 5th-round pick. With that, all the members of the Monsters of Midway front 7 are now gone. The sad part is that the Bears could have been so much better. They had it all. The best defense in football, a potent running game, and explosive wide receivers, were all wasted. I know Bears fans will, by default, blame Parkey for this, but the real eye of the fanbase should be on Nagy and Pace. Their neglect of the QB position is the reason the Bears are irrelevant and spinning the tires right now. What a shame.
Raiders 0, Saints 24
Good news, boys! If you played fantasy football and scored any points last week, you were officially more productive than the Raiders offense. They got shut out by the Saints. The same injury-riddled mess of a defense that got torched by Arizona of all teams. Derek Carr could get nothing going on offense all game and produced so many turnovers you would think he ran a bakery. Vegas didn’t even get past midfield until the 4th quarter; they were that suffocated. It got so bad that Carr was benched for Jarrett Stidham. And he did a significantly better job. Panic time, Raider Nation. Your hunt for a head coach after the Gruden fallout will continue in earnest. Josh McDaniels is not the droid you’re looking for. In fact, he is a perfect microcosm of this organization; full of disappointment and failure.
Steelers 13, Eagles 35
This is what the college ranks would call “the win-padding game” where the superior team brings some weak cannon fodder to their stadium to get the brakes beat off them to tens of thousands of fans. The benefit of college is that those teams are paid to get cattle-prodded on national television. The Steelers are not. This week, they got completely owned by the Eagles’ defense and their new toy in Robert Quinn thanks to handless receivers and an awful offensive line. 6 sacks for the Birds’ front seven as this game wasn’t anywhere near competitive. The road to the first overall pick continues in earnest for the Black and Gold brigade. Wake me up when that fraud Matt Canada gets fired.
Patriots 22, Jets 17
New England’s season may be a trainwreck so far, but they can indulge in a familiar pastime to get their minds off it: dunking on the Jets. Even at 5-2, their offense would be easy prey for the Pats’ defense. Zach Wilson reverted to rookie form today, throwing 3 picks and reminding everyone that the Jets are simply overachieving and still aren’t very sustainable. This game was over by the time the Pats took the lead in the 3rd quarter, and the Buttfumble squad spent the rest of the game fruitlessly playing catch-up as Belichick toyed with them. That’s 13 straight losses to your abusive schoolmasters in New England now. See you in Foxboro for another wasted defensive effort, New Jersey! Next week, you get the Bills. You’re going to need all the help you get.
Titans 17, Texans 10
I have one takeaway from this game: Malik Willis ain’t ready yet. He was thrust into play thanks to a Tannehill illness. For all those Titans fans clamoring to see him start, you’d might as well duck and cover, as Willis went 6 for 10 with a pick. Fortunately, the Titans have a different weapon they can utilize when their passing attack is neutralized; the wrecking ball of Derrick Henry. He was the only reason Tennessee won this game, and ran all over the Texans’ defense for over 200 yards. Despite this, they only scored 17 points against the worst team in football. The Titans go to 5-2, but a pretty weak one. I’ll just wait until the annual playoff choke to ridicule them any further.
Giants 13, Seahawks 27
I knew this was long overdue for the Giants. They’re a young team with a first-year coach that plays a highly unsustainable style. It was only a matter of time until their various self-inflicted wounds caught up with them. The Seahawks are just the kind of team that will capitalize on such errors. Thanks to awful special teams play and a collapsing defense, the Giants were brought back to earth in convincing fashion as, don’t look now, Seattle has won their 3rd straight and are looking like world beaters. Geno Smith’s revenge tour is going nicely, and a win against the other mistake from Jersey in week 17 will complete his arc.
Commanders 17, Colts 16
The Colts are in a state of freefall. Matt Ryan was benched after last week’s debacle for gross incompetence and a cooked arm. In comes Sam Ehlinger and the offense predictably stuck to its script of shooting themselves in the foot for every toe they have. Their scrum against the Commies was a comedy of errors from the get-go. Fumbles, turnovers, and punting as far as the eye could see- at least until the 4th quarter. It is here that the offense wakes up and guides them to a 6-point lead with less than a minute left. It would take a miracle for Washington to come back. Wouldn’t you know it, that’s just what happened. The Colts’ defense, learning nothing from the past few weeks, got wrecked on a hail mary and a subsequent goal line play, allowing Washington to score a touchdown and win the game with an extra point. I must tip my cap to the Commanders. They’ve used some impressive sorcery to revive their dead season. The schedule gets a good bit tougher from this point forward, but I’m intrigued to see how far their momentum carries them. If anyone can motivate these guys to play hard, it’s Ron Rivera.
49ers 31, Rams 14
San Fran going into LA and utterly owning the Rams in a pivotal game. Now, where have I seen this before? The Niners stuck to their usual routine of relegating the Rams to property in the regular season. This week’s honorary ram-beater was Christian McCaffrey, who became only the 3rd running back in history to have a triple crown in touchdowns. That’s 4 straight season sweeps of the Rams in the regular season now. This was a good bounceback from the KC debacle last week.
Packers 17, Bills 27
So this is what it looks like to see a career wither and die. A depleted Packers squad with Aaron Rodgers frustrated because all of his good wide receivers are in the hospital would be easy prey for, let’s see here, the Bills. Surprisingly, this game wasn’t an absolute blowout as was foreseen, thanks to Josh Allen reverting to rookie form in the 2nd half, but even then, it was too little, too late. Buffalo soars to their best start since 1993 at 6-1 with this win, as Green Bay is now teetering on the edge of the pits of despair. Inking Rodgers to that giant contract before the season may have been a mistake. All their eggs are now in one basket and they have no set plan B. The barren tundra of Lambeau might be getting a lot colder soon.
Bengals 13, Browns 32
The Battle of Ohio. The only thing this snooze fest of a game ever tells us is which coach is closer to being fired. This year, it’s Zac Taylor. This level of talent from the Bungles should not be hovering around .500 this far into the season. Something needs to change, and it needs to start with the guy calling the plays. The Bungles went into the Dawg Pound and got wrecked. Jacoby Brissett torched that grease fire they call a defense, and they had no answers for Amari Cooper all night long. Super Bowl contenders? They might not even make the playoffs this year. They need Ja’Marr back and they need him back now.
