Eagles 29, Texans 17
This game was exhibit R as to why Thursday Night Football is a terrible blight on humanity. The Eagles looked unprepared and sloppy as they allowed Houston to keep it close for 3 quarters. After this charade, the top-heavy nature of the NFL restored itself as Philly cruised to yet another victory since Houston’s defense is about as porous as a hunk of Swiss. Philly goes to 8-0 as a result and gives Philadelphians a pound of flesh from Houston to compensate for all the misery from the world series.
Colts 3, Patriots 26
Remember when the Colts’ offensive line was considered the class of the NFL? I remember. About how everyone was praising them and their winning culture? That came to a screeching halt Sunday afternoon. Just like most other winnable games for them this year, Indy marched into Foxboro and got wrecked. That vaunted offensive line was a sieve today, allowing 9 sacks as the Colts couldn’t move on offense all day long. No mercy from the Patriots, who have now won 2 straight to thrust themselves back into the AFC playoff picture. Indy, meanwhile, falls into the pits of despair. 3-5-1 and they still have to play the rest of the NFC east. It’s not like I jinxed them or anything—oh, right, I had them going to the playoffs in my season preview.
After this alarming start, Ballard finally pulled the trigger. Frank Reich has been fired. It honestly should have happened after last year’s choke against the Jaguars, but Carson Wentz was sacrificed to Ballard instead in a desperation maneuver. Reich was way past his expiration date with the team, and his baffling play-calling and decisions this year proved it. Nonetheless, he is a good coach when put in the right situation. The Colts’ perennial playoff contention since he got hired is proof of such thinking. He won’t be out in the cold for long.
Packers 9, Lions 15
Green Bay has hit rock bottom. Against the Commies and Bills, you could excuse their god-awful performances as both those teams have solid defenses, but against this outfit? The worst defense in the league by every conceivable metric outright owned Rodgers and the Packers all day long. The Packerena needed a strong performance to save their season and what they got instead was 3 red zone interceptions and getting stopped on 4th down 3 other times. Aren’t you guys so proud, cheeseheads? Your team just lost to one of the worst teams in football. This is a team that is openly tanking for Bryce Young and you allowed them to waltz all over Ford Field. What a waste of that defense. Embarrassing.
Chargers 20, Falcons 17
Two teams that like nothing more than choking the game away to a crowd of mostly stadium seats. This glorious match somehow has playoff implications as well, due to inflated records and weak conferences in the case of Atlanta. Throughout the game, the tension was tight, and both teams traded blows and tried to hand each other the game at the same time. However, there was hope. The Falcons picked off Herbert on their final drive. Unfortunately, there’s a catch. The returner fumbled the football and gave it right back to the Chargers. They proceed to march down the field and boot the game-winning field goal. Atlanta is back to horrible pain, and Brandon Staley survives yet another undeserved day before out-geniusing himself out of his coaching position.
Bills lol, Jets 20
This game did not happen. I refuse to believe it. They lost to the freaking Jets and now I’m going to get dunked on for the rest of the year at minimum. I need another article to discuss this dubious game in more detail. Can North Korea just nuke us already, please? I need an out from the pain.
Vikings 20, Commanders 17
This dubious game does not get such an honor. Galvanized by 3 straight wins, Washington welcomed their old quarterback into the FedEx landfill and bullied him for 3 quarters straight. A 17-7 lead should put them away. Wait, never mind, since the Commies reverted to past form and allowed Minnesota to do just enough to escape with a win. This has been the story of the Vikings so far; look awful and are exposed against inferior competition but find a way to win regardless. Next week, though, will be the true test. For the sake of my sanity, I hope they lose in humiliating fashion.
Panthers 21, Bengals 42
Poaching is a serious issue in North America. Illegal hunting of Panthers has been prevalent for generations and has reduced their population to a mere hundreds. But what if I told you that the NFL not only encourages such actions but actively partakes in them as well? My friends, that’s exactly what happened this past Sunday, as Carolina walked into Paycor Stadium and was predictably slaughtered and hunted to extinction. 35 unanswered points scored by the Bungles before the Panthers’ offense even considered showing up. Cincy may have saved their season with this one, and they made it look easy. As for Carolina, the road to the top draft pick never ends. Carry on.
Raiders 20, Jaguars 27
The good news for the Raiders is that they scored points. 17 of them unanswered to start the game, to be exact. Remember what happened last time Vegas started a game this way? They collapsed on the road and allowed a team caught in a beartrap to escape into a running car and plow them over with it. Yet another humiliation was on the docket this week, as the Jags dominated in the second half to not only keep their season on life support but hand the Raiders yet another loss in a game they needed to win to keep their dwindling playoff hopes alive. Josh McDaniels isn’t on the hot seat—he’s upgraded to a bonfire.
Dolphins 35, Bears 32
While it probably won’t matter this season thanks to the Bears’ slow start, this may have been a breakout game for Justin Fields. 4 total touchdowns, 3 of them passing, and over 175 yards on the ground, a truly magnificent performance. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about their defense. Who knew that trading away their two best players would make them weak and unable to stop a feather against a quality offense? They got picked to the bone by a Dolphins offense that has looked highly suspect these past few weeks. I’ll give them credit for sticking around until the end, but 3-6 is a tough hole to climb out of. Then again, with how insane this season has been, it’s not impossible.
Seahawks 31, Cardinals 21
These two teams are in opposite positions than where I thought they would be back in their season preview. I figured the Cardinals would be contenders while Seattle would be deep into a tank year. What has happened instead is that Arizona is clinging to a ledge while the eternally underrated Seahawks have hit a stride we haven’t seen out of them since their Super Bowl window a decade ago. They look legit, and they made it known in style, marching into Arizona and imposing their will on a battered and fatigued Cardinals team that has now resorted to scrapping each other on the sidelines. I must say, Seattle is turning a lot of heads with this streak they’re on. I don’t know if this is sustainable, especially from Geno, but consider me intrigued. However, I won’t lavish too much praise on them yet, especially with how my playoff predictions are turning out so far. Gotta play it safe.
Rams 13, Buccaneers 16
This was one of the worst excuses for a Nantz and Romo game I’ve seen in a while. Terrible offensive line play, an inability to move the ball, and both teams were in the single digits well into the third quarter. Oh, and Brady got his 100,000th passing yard. I don’t know if the media has rubbed it in our faces enough, but instead, we can watch him get stopped on a 4th and 6 to give the ball back to LA with under 2 minutes to play. They may have been forced to punt but Brady was starting on his own 40 with no timeouts and 45 seconds. Rams fans thought they had this in the bag. The defense then told them to hold their drink. Leaving the sidelines and short passes open, they willingly allowed Brady to pick them apart as he marched down the field for a touchdown as the Rams snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Tampa Bay is consumed by false hope as they drunkenly stumble into a tie with Atlanta for the division. All of the 13 Rams fans now want Jalen Ramsey burned at the stake.
Titans 17, Chiefs 20
The Titans have had a very weak schedule, but a 5-game winning streak is nothing to take lightly, especially with the performance they put on at Arrowhead. Despite their offense deciding to sell at the worst possible time, the defense suffocated KC for 3 quarters and made all their skill players throw fits on the sidelines. With a more experienced QB and nonpartisan officials, they probably win this game. This is Tennessee’s loss to be proud of. They may have come up short, but putting up that kind of defensive showing against Mahomes is no joke. I’m kind of proud of them in a way. Just thank the lord the AFC South is as trash as it is right now.
Ravens 27, Saints 13
On this hallowed Monday Night on Bourbon Street, we took a trip back in time to the age of the Romans. A bunch of battered, fatigued Saints led by Andy Dalton were chucked into the arena and slowly pecked to death by the Ravens in an act of religious persecution. After this brutal annihilation, the corpse of the New Orleans offense was laid out and feasted upon by the carrion birds that are the Baltimore defense. They were relentless, they were solid, and they made big splash plays to secure the win. However, this might be going against their true best interests. Remember, each win is another undeserved day that Harbaugh and Roman are secure in their jobs. Ravens fans should be hoping they lose so that some long-overdue change is made to the coaching staff.
