I can’t believe it, but it’s that time of year again. The final week of the regular season is upon us. Some of you may know the drill from last year, but I’ll run through it real quick for those who don’t. Unlike other weeks, I will not do this recap strictly chronologically, but rather based on relevance to the playoff picture. That said, let’s get the unimportant games out of the way quickly.

Vikings 20, Lions 30

In what may be a surprise move, the Lions are not resting their starters against the Vikings in a game they don’t need to win. The reasoning is that they’re technically still alive for the 2 seed and to gain momentum for the postseason. Despite the Vikings’ defense keeping it close and Aaron Glenn making Nick Mullens look elite for a couple of drives, the Lions cruised to victory on the back of a revived offense. Maybe getting screwed over by the refs last week has them hellbent on revenge against the league. Or I’m just overreacting. Unfortunately, Detroit, you also win another prize: heaps upon heaps of injuries. Kaliph Raymond and Sam LaPorta both went down with potentially serious injuries, which could prove costly down the stretch. As for the Vikings? They had a slim chance of entering today but were eliminated even before their game ended. It’s a fitting end to yet another disappointing season.

Eliminated: Minnesota Vikings

Their season was over when Cousins went down at Lambeau. It sucks, but this season proves even more how unprepared the Vikings are when he and Jefferson are out. The defense looks good, but they need more playmakers on offense for next year. Get to work.

Jets 17, Patriots 3

In what might be Old Bill’s last game with the Patriots, he must get a suitable sendoff. A HEAVYWEIGHT TANK BOWL!!!!!!!

A tank bowl between two trash heaps on the frozen tundra of Foxboro. In any other scenario, this game featuring lifeless offenses and overworked defenses would be cruel and unusual punishment to watch. However, the football gods must have realized that a bad football game was about to take place and brought about an epic snowstorm. The blizzard made this game infinitely more enjoyable to watch. A cold, blustering powder affecting everything on the field of play. Both offenses getting stuck in quicksand as usual, but who cares, they’re playing in the snow, the goal is to have fun. The Jets certainly did, after getting a couple of turnovers late to seal the win and run up the score. They snapped a 15-game losing streak to New England and got their first win at Gillette in over a decade. All that for the small cost of their majestic tank. Hope it was worth it.

Browns 14, Bengals 31

It’s a meaningless game for both sides, with the Browns being locked into the 5 spot in the AFC and the Bungles already being eliminated yesterday. However, a rivalry is still a rivalry to teams that otherwise have nothing to play for. Cincy saw their opponent resting all of their starters and emphasized their incredibly disappointing season with a blowout. It’s not much, but you can call it a moral victory or something, right?

Broncos 14, Raiders 27

Broncos, whatever foolish optimism you had for the playoffs died last week despite your fluke win over a team with no offense. Unfortunately, today, you must play a team with a slightly less horrible offense in the Raiders. Their defense straight-up quit on them. Las Vegas had their way all game long as Denver had no answers for them. Raiders, this may be another disappointing season, but one thing must be said. Antonio Pierce is legit. Mark Davis, you better bring this man back next year, or I will want heads. You’re not going to extend him, are you?

Rams 21, 49ers 20

There were some who bought tickets to this game at the start of the year, envisioning a mighty clash for the NFC West crown. However, that is not the case, as both teams are locked into their respective playoff spots and have nothing to play for. This means we get the battle of the quarterbacks that everyone forgot about. Sam Darnold versus Carson Wentz. The Niners may have been out to a lead late, but Wentz made his case for a permanent backup role somewhere next year by leading the Rams’ backups to a comeback win in the closest thing to a preseason game we’ve seen this year. Not much else to say on this front.

Chiefs 13, Chargers 12

It’s a quarterback matchup worthy of song. Blaine Gabbert versus Easton Stick! The game was as terrible as everyone expected it to be. In the end, the Chiefs’ backups managed to eke out a win against the withered husk of the Chargers to gain some momentum going into the playoffs. They’re going to need it, too.

Now, let’s get into the games with actual playoff importance. First on the docket is the 7th seed in the AFC. Pittsburgh can claim it with a win and a Jacksonville or Buffalo loss. The Texans and Colts are also up for it but play each other so one of them will get the 6 seed while the other will get eliminated.

Steelers 17, Ravens 10

A rain-soaked Baltimore and a must-win scenario for Pittsburgh. This has literally happened to them almost every other year. Baltimore was resting all their starters today, so Pittsburgh got the luxury of facing Tyler Huntley. Predictable things occurred. The defense dominated while the offense did just enough to escape with a win. Now, the Steelers wait.

Texans 23, Colts 19

Win and in. That’s what’s on the line here. Win, and you’re in the playoffs; lose, and you’re out. Both Houston and Indianapolis would fight neck and neck to try and secure a W. Houston may be leading late, but the Colts are driving and have a chance to take the lead with a touchdown. They get to a 4th and 1 in field goal range. They throw- and it’s dropped. Game over, Texans win. Houston, congratulations, for this win. It nets you your first playoff berth since the Bill O’Brien era. Well done.

Playoff Bound: Houston Texans

I’m honestly very impressed. To go from one of the worst teams in the league last year to this. Demeco Ryans has done such a great job with this team, and it shows. Now, onward to the postseason.

Unfortunately, there’s also an elimination to deal with. Indy, I’m sorry.

Eliminated: Indianapolis Colts

So, your best player is Jonathan Taylor, and you don’t even have him on the field for the final play? Or Zach Moss? Good season or not, this play-calling gaffe will haunt Colts fans for the entire offseason. Just wait for Anthony Richardson to get healthy again and then run it back next year. You guys will be fine.

Jaguars 20, Titans 28

Jacksonville, I have 4 words to say: You are absolutely pathetic. A 5-11 Titans team. 5-11. That’s who you had to beat to make the playoffs and secure a home playoff game in front of your 13 fans. And you blew it spectacularly. The defense bent, the receivers couldn’t catch, and Trevor Lawrence. The dude may get the Carson Wentz treatment in a year or two. The dude could barely throw the football. On the game’s last play, he overthrew a wide-open receiver by about 10 yards. Jacksonville, I hope you enjoyed your one year in the spotlight. The Texans clinched the AFC South. Get back in the corner where you belong.

Eliminated: Jacksonville Jaguars

From 8-3 and the world in the palm of your hands to losing 5 of 6. That is an impressive failure. Now you have serious questions, and Shahid Khan isn’t exactly known for his patience. Seat’s getting hotter, Doug.

If you’re in Pittsburgh, you know damn well what this means. The Steelers are back in the playoffs.

Playoff Bound: Pittsburgh Steelers

Yes, they will get killed once they make it, but let them have this. It’s better than the alternative of the Yinzers rioting in the streets, anyway.

In fact, this is a two-for-one, as this game also gets the Bills into the playoffs for the 6th time in 7 years.

Playoff Bound: Buffalo Bills

Nope, I’m not impressed. The sheer inconsistency this team shows weekly is cause for alarm. Just don’t break my heart again. Pretty please?

Next up is the NFC South championship. Tampa can get in with a win over Carolina, while the winner of the Saints and Falcons can get in with a Tampa loss. Tank Divisions always come down to the wire.

Falcons 17, Saints 48

It’s a battle between the two teams that continually shoot themselves in the foot squaring off in New Orleans with a potential playoff berth. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Despite the game remaining close throughout, the Saints were able to snatch momentum back due to Desmond Ridder gifting their defense presents on a routine basis. New Orleans uses this charitable act to rally the troops and run up the score. 31 points scored in the 2nd half in a violent outburst. And even better, they managed to anger Arthur Smith because they scored a garbage-time touchdown with a minute left. Here’s an idea, buddy. If you don’t want your opponent running up the score on you, maybe prepare your defense to make a stop. This season has been more of the same for the Falcons. Endless opportunities that they find ways to choke away. It’s a fitting end for them.

Eliminated: Atlanta Falcons

Arthur Smith, get ready to learn Chinese. That’s the only place he belongs after his “coaching” this season. Not using your best offensive weapons and trusting an increasingly suspect Desmond Ridder really worked out for you, didn’t it? My point still stands. Get a real head coach.

Now, the Saints must wait for Carolina to do their part. We go now to Charlotte, where the Bucs will attempt to clinch a division title.

Buccaneers 9, Panthers 0

And of course, the Bucs make this way harder on themselves than they should be. I mean come on, boys, you’re playing the Panthers. The defense seemed to get the memo by shutting down Bryce Young and his mediocre compatriots every time they got into the red zone. A shutout and a dominant day. Meanwhile, the offense did just enough to escape with a win in the end to set up a playoff game at home next week. Incredibly undeserved.

Playoff Bound: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

There’s not much to be impressed about here; the only reason they made it was because the rest of their division kept falling into bear traps. That game against the Eagles has the potential to be horrible.

New Orleans, this is where the journey ends. Just fire Dennis Allen, please?

Eliminated: New Orleans Saints

Yes, I know they technically were still alive until after the 4:25 window, but let’s be real, they weren’t making it in. A small inaccuracy but there was probably only one outcome where they clinched a berth. I’m not losing sleep over it.

Next up is the NFC East title. The Cowboys and Eagles are alive for it, with Dallas controlling their destiny. One of these teams will luck into an extremely undeserving 2 seed, while the other lucks into a probable first-round bye in Tampa Bay. Game on.

Eagles 10, Giants 27

Philadelphia is in panic mode. After royally choking the division to the Cardinals last week, they cemented their status against the Giants in embarrassing fashion. The G-men finish the season on a bittersweet note, as they get revenge for the Christmas day Humiliation 2 weeks ago. Philly now must run off to Tampa for a showdown with the Buccaneers in the Wild Card.

Cowboys 38, Commanders 10

It didn’t matter in the end, since Dallas did what they couldn’t last year and took care of business against Washington on the road. Their defense was dominant and Dak… well, let’s just say he’s playing some of the best ball in his career at the right time. If they keep this up, they’ll win a playoff game. A choke would be hilarious, but come on, they’ll probably beat whatever 7 seed by about 30 anyway.

The next point of contention is the 7th seed in the NFC. Green Bay has the easiest path with a win and clinches against the Bears. The Seahawks need a win against Arizona and the Bears to not be a pile of manure for the honor of being cannon fodder at Jerryworld next week. Bring it on.

Seahawks 21, Cardinals 20

It’s in typical Seattle fashion to take a gift situation and make it much harder than it should be. In one of the most typical games for the Seahawks this year, they did just enough to escape with a late 2-point conversion. Now, the Seahawks wait.

Bears 9, Packers 17

Chicago has been through the trenches this year, but have been on a heater beating up on mediocre teams this home stretch. This was their chance to prove themselves on national TV and flip the bird to their older brothers in the Packers. And they failed miserably. Chicago’s offense came out flatter than a map. The defense could only do so much as Green Bay suffocated their offense at every turn. You would think Justin Fields was in the Roman Colosseum the way he was beat up by the Packer D. Congrats, Bears, for you not only lost to a team that was very beatable, but you also failed in your primary goal of doing to them what the Lions did last year.

Playoff Bound: Green Bay Packers

I’m not impressed. While Jordan Love looks good, they’ve had too many close calls this year for me to trust them. Here’s an idea, boys. Lock Joe Barry in a janitor’s closet in Titletown and let him out sometime in mid-February. If they do that, they’re a Super Bowl contender. If not, well…

Seattle, you know what this means. Too much underachieving, boys. Get out.

Eliminated: Seattle Seahawks

Too inconsistent. A team that would humiliate the Eagles and fall apart against teams like the Steelers. Get it fixed.

There is one final game we need to cover. Bills vs. Dolphins for the AFC Crown. Playoff elimination is no longer on the line for Buffalo, but the 2nd seed in the AFC is up for grabs. And a likely free win against the Steelers. Game on.

Bills 21, Dolphins 14

In this game to decide both playoff futures and jobs for next year, the Dolphins did what they do best: flail around and look like complete frauds against a team begging them to finish them off. The Dolphins had 4 turnovers in the first 3 quarters and barely did anything with them. Lo and behold, Buffalo woke up in the 4th quarter and drove the knife through their faltering heart. Dolphins, your hope of winning the division was ripped away at the last moment. The Bills clinch the AFC East. And Miami now must head into the frigid tundra to face Mahomes and the Swiftie army. Talk about a turnaround.

There is one more thing that must be discussed. The Football Gods desire a feast. Black Monday is their holiday. Let us remember those in the coaching ranks who have fallen.

Arthur Smith (Atlanta Falcons Head Coach, 2021-23)

I thought this guy would be good when he got hired. Little did I know that this guy would be trapped in his own demons. He was completely incompetent when it came to using any of his key weapons, baffling playcalling, and horrible decision-making. The Falcons could have been a dark-horse contender this year, but Smith decided to screw up a generational year for guys like A.J. Terrell and Grady Jarrett. Shame.

Ron Rivera (Washington Football Team/Commanders Head Coach, 2020-23)

This one doesn’t surprise me. Rivara had been past his expiration date for quite a while, and I was merely interested to see how long it would take for the new ownership to pull the trigger. The only positive of this move for either side is that Bieniemy could be promoted to the head honcho role to develop Sam Howell further.

Wink Martindale (New York Giants Defensive Coordinator, 2022-23)

This one isn’t being talked about enough. Martindale is a good defensive mind, yes. But his blitz-heavy schemes exhausted the D on prolonged drives and caused them to collapse late in games. With an offense as lifeless as the Giants were this year, Martindale’s defense needed to be perfect this year for them to have a chance at contending. And it was far from it. He won’t be out in the cold for long.

Bill Belichick (New England Patriots Head Coach/General Manager, 2000-23)

I could see this one coming from a mile away, but it still hits like a truck. Bill Belichick, the evil Palpatine of the AFC, is gone. As a Bills fan, it’s almost surreal to see this happen. Belichick’s first 3 Super Bowls happened before I was born. Half of the Patriots’ fan base have only had Belichick during their lifetimes. It’s a new chapter for the franchise and the entire NFL world. Jared Mayo is a good successor but methinks old Bill wants another chance elsewhere. He’ll have a job again soon. Farewell, Bill. I’ll comfort myself from him constantly beating up on my team knowing his final career playoff game with New England was a 30-point loss to the Bills in Buffalo. That’s something to hang my hat on, at least.

Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks Head Coach, 2010-23)

Now, this one is completely out of left field. Pete Carroll? Sure, the team underachieved dramatically this season and failed to sort out their quarterback issues, but I figured he would get another year or two to shape the team. Even then, it’s not a traditional pink-slipping, but a firing-via-promotion. Ostensibly, he’ll move into a senior role away from day-to-day operations, but something tells me he’s not done coaching. Just the raw energy he continues to have on the sidelines week in and week out. Take care, Pete.

Mike Vrabel (Tennessee Titans Head Coach, 2018-23)

This one is a shocker. Vrabel was an issue, but far from the main one in Tennessee. He’s a terrific coach who took Titans teams who had no business competing deep into the playoffs. Like a certain DC from New York, he won’t be out in the cold for long.

This is an incredibly weak offering. The Football Gods will want more blood in the playoffs. Until then…

And so, ends another whimsical year of NFL football. I want to thank the NFL for giving me such great content to write about week in and week out. I want to thank people like The Mirror Adviser Mr. Spear, the Editors of The Mirror, and a number of other Northwood students and staff, all of whom have contributed to putting this article together every week. And most of all, I want to thank you, the reader. As I said last year, your demand for this terrible excuse for journalism is why I pour effort into this each week. I debated ending the football coverage after this year, particularly when I was abroad in Japan over the holidays and ran short on time, but I’ve made my decision. Next year, I’ll be here. The football recaps will be better than ever. I’ll see you all for the Super Bowl Preview. Until then, take care.

Playoff spots. Tension and drama. Refball. This week had it all. Let’s get to recapping.

Jets 20, Browns 37

We all know what our general reaction to this game is: Thank god this is the last Thursday Night Football game of the year. Jets vs. Browns, between a team that’s all but given up on the season, and a supposed contender injured to hell and back fighting for a playoff spot. However, one of these teams had Joe Flacco quarterbacking them. The other did not. Flacco worked his magic for Cleveland yet again, showing off his elite skill and making millions of other quarterback-hungry teams salty that they didn’t sign him. Their elite defense did the rest as Cleveland cruised to victory. And an official ticket to January football.

Playoff Bound: Cleveland Browns

All it took was an elite defense the likes of which this world has never seen, and 4 different starting quarterbacks. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed. I have doubts about their success at the next level but at the very least, they’ll be competitive.

Lions 19, Cowboys 20

I’m not even going to pay attention to the score of the media surrounding this game. What we witnessed here was such a royal screw job of the Lions on a national stage that it gave the Moscow show trials a run for their money. The refs straight-up robbed them of a 2 point conversion to win the game. And not just any 2-point play, it was a FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN! You robbed us of that, are you kidding me? Argue with me about Dan Campbell being overaggressive and stretching his resources way too thin on offense, but the Lions deserved to win this game. And they got screwed over thanks to Brad Allen having selective hearing. You beat another legit opponent, Cowboys. Are you proud? Go ahead and pay the refs some more in the back alley, don’t worry, I won’t snitch. Just go do the handoff and get it over with for god’s sake.

Titans 3, Texans 26

It’s another typical late-season blowout, with the losing side staring down the barrel of another lost season, while the winner continues to roll with their eyes set on far bigger prizes. Absolutely no surprises here. Except that CJ Stroud is once again throwing darts this soon after injury. Texans, you’re going to need him for January, and you better hope he doesn’t get struck down by the Injury gods again. Next week is a critical matchup against the Colts for AFC wild card supremacy. Get it done, Texans.

Falcons 17, Bears 37

Falcons, what you are seeing are your fleeting playoff hopes all but getting smashed to the wind by an industrial press. They were smoked by the Bears all afternoon long to reveal a fork-tender dish ready for the feast. The #1 stadium food at Soldier Field this week? Grilled Falcon on a stick. The McCaskeys have enough of it to end world hunger after this game. Don’t worry, Chicago, you may have won this meaningless game, but you also win an inevitable outcome. Playoff elimination!

Eliminated: Chicago Bears

The only thing I’m surprised at is how it took this long for this team to be eliminated. Even worse? The necessary changes might be procrastinated by the McCaskeys yet again since they beat up a bunch of pushovers in the home stretch to pad stats. The only thing you guys win is another uncertain future with the 1st overall pick in tow. Hope it was worth it.

Dolphins 19, Ravens 56

It is in these times where we reveal what happens to the Dolphins when they not only have to face a real team, but one of the best teams of the century. Complete and utter slaughter. The Ravens channeled their inner Japanese fishermen today, completely massacring the Dolphins and reaffirming to us all how they can’t beat good teams in the clutch. The Fins had a chance to lock up a #1 seed, but once again, came up short. Baltimore, meanwhile, is soaring high. They have dominated their way to securing the #1 seed in the East, and the Dolphins? Now they must fight for their lives against Buffalo in week 18 for the division crown. We wouldn’t want it any other way.

Saints 23, Buccaneers 13

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Who the hell wants to win the NFC South? I still have no idea, since both teams in this game did everything they could to hand the other a win. They key to this game was turnovers. Derek Carr played a solid game, despite his track record this year. Baker Mayfield reverted to early season form and all but handed the Saints defense an opportunity to put the game away. It now comes down to 3 different teams still alive for the division crown in week 18. Just how we all wanted it to happen.

Patriots 21, Bills 27

Buffalo decided to keep with their brutal heart-attack regimen this week, as they just barely squeaked out a win against a pretend team in the New England Patriots. Also keeping with tradition, their offense decided to fall into landmines on most drives for roughly the tenth time this year. Let’s put it into perspective. The Patriots had 4 turnovers and a pick-six in the first quarter and the Bills only led 13-7 after it all. Buffalo keeps their playoff hopes alive with this win, and now gets ready for a dogfight in Miami for the AFC east crown. It’s do or die time, Bills. Don’t fold like in seasons past.

Cardinals 35, Eagles 31

The past month has revealed the following to the casual NFL fan: The Philadelphia Eagles are nothing but a bunch of frauds. They’ve straight up lost any ounce of effort they have left. It’s okay when they do it against good teams like the Cowboys and Niners, but look at them now. They’re being exposed by the Arizona Cardinals. A team that’s been eliminated since November and is spinning the tires of despair. And not only that, but to blow a 21-6 lead in a game they were dominating. Even worse for the Birds? This loss drops their conference record. Which means they no longer control their own destiny in week 18 for the division. They must rely on the Cowboys losing in order to win the division and get a home playoff game. What a joke of a team.

Panthers 0, Jaguars 26

This game says a lot more about the Panthers than it does their opponent. The Jags, even in their weakened state, managed to not only humiliate them into a tank bowl championship, they also got a shutout. Carolina, what you are realizing now is that Bryce Young might not have been a great fit for you. David Tepper celebrated this glorious occasion by throwing his drink at a Jags fan and making himself an even better case for the worst owner in the league. The Jags are now a game away from clinching the division, and even better for them, they’re facing the Titans in a win-and-clinch scenario. Don’t you dare, Jacksonville.

Raiders 20, Colts 23

Two teams desperately needing a win, locked in a fight for playoff contention. Indy passed this test with flying colors. Don’t be deceived by the score, it only ended that close because of a garbage time touchdown. Raiders, good season and good bounceback, but the football gods show no mercy.

Eliminated: Las Vegas Raiders

Gone like the Autumn wind. I’d actually consider this year a success for them, since their defense is much improved and they finally got rid of the snake that is Josh McDaniels. Just figure out the QB position, since Aiden O’Connell ain’t it.

Rams 26, Giants 25

The Rams need to win this game to avoid having to play San Fran for a playoff berth. Unfortunately, the G-men made this a lot tougher than it should have been. Particularly with the special teams capitalizing for a touchdown late to tie the game. Even worse for them, Brian Daboll chose to go for two. It worked last year, but not here. However, the Rams couldn’t do much better and gave them the ball back. And then Mason Crosby shanks a 50-yard field goal. Rams, just take this playoff berth and run back home as fast as you can.

Playoff Bound: Los Angeles Rams

Not going to lie, I’m impressed. From one of the worst super bowl defenses last year to a playoff contender again. You can’t deny this team has resilience, but have you seen them against good teams? They crumble. Just hope it doesn’t happen too badly.

49ers 27, Commanders 10

San Francisco was punched in the mouth last week, and now fly east looking for someone to beat up on and rebound. Ah, the Washington Commies! Freshly eliminated from the playoffs and ripe for a good beating. San Fran scorched that earth repeatedly. Their defense was suffocating. Brock Purdy returned to being efficient. And the Niners locked down the #1 seed in the NFC due to Philadelphia’s epic choke job. Enjoy your week off, boys.

Steelers 30, Seahawks 23

So apparently the key to unlocking the Steelers offensive capability is Mason Rudolph? Just another oddity out of the hundreds of weird things to happen this football season. Rudolph was efficient like last week, but the real offensive MVP of this game was the running game. They were unstoppable. They made Najee Harris look like what he was advertised to be in the draft for the first time in what seems like an age. Seattle, what you now get is needing to rely on the Bears to do anything else this year. Not to mention they’re playing Arizona, who gave them a tough test earlier in the year. Relying on the Bears is something no one should have to do. Good luck.

Bengals 17, Chiefs 25

Everything was looking up for the Bungles today. The Chiefs were struggling big time and coming off their most embarrassing loss since their game against the Colts last year. Cincy’s offense is humming again. They’re out to a 17-7 halftime lead. However, it is here that they just fell flat. Mahomes does just enough to get Butker into range for 6 straight field goals. The defense clamps down and prevents Browning and company from doing anything with the ball in the 2nd half. The wool is pulled over their eyes as they are led to the slaughter. Their season killed off like Joe Burrow’s wrist. They should have never cut you, Jake? Well now your entire team’s being let go. See you next year.

Eliminated: Cincinnati Bengals

Burrow going down killed their season, but the reality is that they probably wouldn’t have done much this year anyway. They looked highly suspect before their golden goose went down, too. Just thank god that you paid Burrow when you did. He’d have a lot more leverage in a negotiation this offseason.

Meanwhile, the Chiefs somehow fail upward into a division title and a playoff spot. Just take your undeserved home playoff game and get out of my sight.

Playoff Bound: Kansas City Chiefs

It’s weird seeing their defense being the side of the ball carrying them to wins. I admire the philosophy change, but if their offense continues to be this inept at anything related to football, they will be a rather quick out. There’s a very real possibility that Mahomes gets mad at his receivers and rage quits in the middle of a playoff game. Please happen.

Chargers 9, Broncos 16

After last week’s ineptitude and choke against one of the worst teams in the league, Sean Payton has finally had enough. Chef Russ has been told to take off his jacket and get out. He is being benched in the penultimate game of the year so that they can cut him after the season is over. Now, they must live with Jarrett Stidham. Sean Payton said he did this to give his team a “spark”. Little did he know that the spark would combust and set the entire wagon on fire. They are lucky that they’re playing the Chargers, who are even worse on the offensive side of the ball than they are. Easton Stick, how do we put this, isn’t that good at this whole quarterback thing. Eaten alive all game long by a stout defense. Broncos, you may have barely won this game against a dead team, but you also win another dubious outcome.

Eliminated: Denver Broncos

While I admire the resolve to come back from 1-5 to thrust themselves back into the playoff picture, this season showed one thing: The Broncos indeed “fixed” Russell Wilson. At the cost of everything else. Sadly, this season in their history will probably be remembered more for getting 70 hung on them by Miami instead of the gutsy wins they pulled off in the middle of the year. What a shame.

Packers 33, Vikings 10

A battle for their playoff lives. One team came to play. The other one didn’t. Green Bay, in a time-honored tradition, went into Minnesota and bullied Little Brother for 60 straight minutes. This win sets up a win-and-clinch scenario next week for a playoff spot, and the Vikings? They need a win and a whole lot of help to even have a sniff at January football. Don’t choke this away, Green Bay. You’re our only hope of stopping Dallas from winning another playoff game.

Week 18 Preview

NFC

There are a lot of spots to still iron out. In the NFC, it’s a bit simpler. The Niners are a lock for the #1 seed. The 2 seed is currently controlled by the Cowboys, but they could drop as far as the 5 seed with a loss and a Philadelphia win. The Lions are all but locked up at 3rd. Tank Division is anyone’s to win. The Bucs control their own destiny, but the Falcons and Saints can both win if the Bucs choke. Philadelphia will likely be the 5 seed, but the last two wild cards are up for grabs. The Rams are locked into one of them, while the final spot is currently controlled by Green Bay. The Seahawks can get in with a Packers loss, while the Vikings need a win and several Christmas miracles to make the playoffs.

AFC

The AFC is a different story. Baltimore owns the #1 seed, but the 2 seed will be fought over by Miami and Buffalo in a win-and-clinch scenario. The 3 seed is the Chiefs’ to lose, while the 4 seed will go to the winner of the AFC South. Cleveland is locked into the 5 seed, and buffalo owns the #6 seed, but can fall out of the playoffs entirely with a loss to Miami. The 7 seed will likely be a toss-up between the Colts and Texans. The Steelers need blood magic. Please do not attempt to look up my AFC playoff predictions from the start of the year. You will die of laughter.

This week leaves everything in the balance. A lot of spots are still up for grabs with the taste of playoff football being dangled to the fish below. Let’s get to it.

Saints 22, Rams 30

Don’t let the records fool you: One of these teams is not like the other. One of them has a competent quarterback, offensive game planning and a reliable defense. The other one relies on a broken Derek Carr, Dennis Allen’s jackknife offense, and a total sieve of a defense that couldn’t stop Puca Nacua. The Rams maintain a surprisingly strong playoff push, while New Orleans gets the potential deathblow to a disappointing year. Can’t say it isn’t deserved, though.

Bengals 11, Steelers 34

Oh, so now you show up, Pittsburgh. Now you show up? Not against two of the worst teams in the league, but here on this random Saturday against a supposed playoff contender? I’d be happy for them, but I’m more upset since it’s probably too little too late. Apparently, the key to unlocking the full potential of the Steeler offense is Mason Rudolph. Or maybe it’s that his only viable option is throwing it to George Pickens, which they haven’t been doing lately, leading to obvious results. As for Jake Browning, his veteran Linsanity run looks to be coming to a close. Now, they must fight for their playoff lives at Arrowhead next week against the Chiefs. It’s going to be tough for them. Then again, the Chiefs aren’t looking too great as of late. Cincy, please win. The laughter that would be had.

Bills 24, Chargers 22

It’s the story of the Bills season: against legitimate opponents, they perform to their full potential and blossom into their true form. Against doormats, however, they heinously play down to their competition and keep the game close for way too long. It’s not a Josh Allen issue, it’s not a play calling and scheming issue, it’s an everything issue. The Bills can’t piece together a full 60-minute effort against an easy opponent. They were given chance after chance to run away with the game, but either over-thought their hand or gifted the ball to the Chargers D as a self-serving token of charity. The only reason they even escaped with a win was due to LA forgetting how to cover their receivers and Easton Stick being, well, Easton Stick. Next week’s Patriots game at home honestly scares me more than the showdown at Miami two weeks from now. With how they’ve been playing against inferior competition? Yikes. As for the Chargers? Good effort, but they don’t give pity points in the standings for that. Get out.

Eliminated: Los Angeles Chargers

If the Chargers did what they should have done in January and fired Brandon Staley, this season might not have been another wasted one. Now they must ask some serious questions this offseason. An aging yet expensive defense combined with an offense full of question marks will make for an interesting challenge for the new front office. For the sake of all 13 Charger fans, I hope they’ll find a way to at least make the Bolts competitive again.

Commanders 28, Jets 30

Here we all were, thinking the Jets were dead, but look at them, rattling off 20 unanswered to start this game against a hapless opponent. Regardless of their record this year, they have one of the best defenses in the league. Surely this will be one of those rare convincing wins for the Buttfumble. That’s where you’re wrong. The Jets did their trademark buttfumbling to allow Washington back into the game when they looked dead in the water. Sam Howell throwing dimes and redeeming himself for his awful start to the game. Panic sets in at MetLife as the Commies take the lead. But here is where the Jets offense bothers to close out a game that should have been over long before that point. Greg Zuerlein boots it through as the Jets survive to get another meaningless win. You’re making The Hack look like a competent offensive game planner, Jets, snap out of it. His pink-slipping this offseason will be the most important offseason move you make. Do the right thing.

Lions 30, Vikings 24

30 years. That’s how long it’s been since the Lions have won a division title. The NFC North didn’t even exist that long ago. It’s all right in front of them. All they have to do is beat Nick Mullens and they can have it. The Lions storm out of the gates and race for the prize. The Vikings and Nick Mullens could do nothing as the Lions D stuffed them. However, like all that are just short of reaching their goal, the Lions couldn’t finish. Here, take the points, they said, as the offense fell flat, and Aaron Glenn became Aaron Glenn again. The Vikings even took the lead. But then the Lions remember they were heavy favorites and bulldoze their D for a pair of touchdowns. Then capping it all off with an interception. Their reward? Their first home playoff game in a generation. The wait is over, Detroit. Welcome to January.

Playoff Bound: Detroit Lions

I feel nothing but happy for that entire city, for Dan Campbell, and for the Lions organization. The job Campbell, in particular, has done to change the culture of this organization is nothing short of remarkable, and now they have their defining moment. However, I must warn you. If you continue to be this inconsistent, you will be a rather quick out. Not saying they aren’t capable of going far, but…

Browns 36, Texans 22

Browns, congratulations! After years upon years of getting lorded over by him, you finally have your franchise quarterback under center: The elite Joe Flacco. And I don’t say this in the tongue-and-cheek fashion like in past years, since Joe Flacco has been playing like one of the best in the league as of late. It might be an issue with teams not having recent film on him, but this dude went from the couch to a playoff contender in weeks. Houston, under Case Keenum, couldn’t even hope to do anything against Flacco and his might. 36-7 by the time Houston mercilessly took Keenum out for Davis Mills. Cleveland is now one win closer to a playoff berth, and they’ll get a huge opportunity to do so as they face the Jets next week. You’re not going to screw this up… right?

Packers 33, Panthers 30

Green Bay, this is as easy of an opportunity as you’ll have to put yourselves back into playoff contention. The Panthers, even after last week’s win thanks to Arthur Smith’s implosion, are still terrible. The Packers exposed them as such in the first 3 quarters. 30-16 midway through the 4th quarter against a dead team. Should be over, right? Well, you’re forgetting a key component of any game the Packers play in. One of these teams has Joe Barry calling the defenses. The other does not. He is a man that takes a competent defensive game plan and fires it straight out of a cannon into Lake Michigan, causing a tsunami that consumes a small Wisconsin village. Wouldn’t you know it, the Panthers tie the game. Green Bay may have taken the lead with a field goal late, but Joe Barry is on the case once again. Look at how he gracefully allows Bryce Young to drive into field goal range… but they run out of time and can’t get the spike off. Game over, Packers win. Despite certain arguments.

Seahawks 20, Titans 17

I’m starting to develop a theory on why the Seahawks are so inconsistent. They have a deal with the local hospitals. If the Seahawks keep opponents in games they shouldn’t be competing in, the hospitals will profit off the increased number of heart attacks and in turn pay off the Seahawks organization. That’s the only way I can explain away how maddeningly inconsistent Seattle is from week to week. Even with Geno Smith back under center, against a bunch of glorified refuse in the Titans, they still found a way to keep the game way too close. The Titans even had a lead deep into the 4th quarter. Never mind, though, since Pete Carroll used more of his old man magic to guide Seattle down the field for the game-winning touchdown. Seattle defies the odds to stay alive for the playoffs. Well done.

Colts 10, Falcons 29

Seriously, Atlanta? Now you show up? Not against a bottom-feeder in Carolina but against a supposed contender? This wasn’t even their usual thing where they blundered around and then got lucky and won, this was one of the most complete games I’ve seen out of the Falcons in a very long time. What’s that, Arthur, you’re going to pull Desmond Ridder and actually start throwing to your skill players? Using Bijan Robinson? Wow! It’s almost like you should’ve been doing it for the entire year up until now! It might be too little, too late for Atlanta, but Indy gets a potential death blow to their wild card hopes. Next week is Jacksonville at home. A chance to secure the division with a win. Get it done, Colts.

Jaguars 12, Buccaneers 30

The Jags are attempting to speedrun blowing a division title like the Titans did last year. Next up? The current Tank Division champions in the Bucs. Tampa Bay dragged them onto a pier, beat them to a pulp, and then forced the Jags to walk the plank. They were dominant today. 27-0 before the Jags even considered scoring. Tampa now all but locks up the NFC South, as the Jags prepare to fight for their playoff lives at 8-7. Imagine saying that a month ago.

Cowboys 20, Dolphins 22

Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Fraud Bowl! Two teams that love beating up on easy opponents at home but can’t play on the road! What this game would come down to was circumstance. Miami, for their flaws, put together a competent game plan to put points on the board. Dallas, on the road again, had their timbers shivered by the “hostile” Miami crowd and did nothing. Even then, both teams would do their best to hand each other the game. Miami lucked into winning this one since the Dallas D can’t stop a beach ball and Jason Sanders boots the game-winning field goal. Miami gets set to go into Baltimore with a chance to define their season. If they win, the #1 seed is all but theirs. If they lose, however… Let’s just say the Josh Allen in the mirror is closer than it appears.

Cardinals 16, Bears 27

Two teams stuck deep in the mud but still fighting and clawing for wins. Arizona has long been eliminated, but the Bears are still mathematically alive and still have optimism that they can make it in. This means Chicago will revive to their form from two weeks ago and beat the brakes off their adversary. Despite allowing the Cards back into it late, Chicago was always one step ahead. I swear to God, though, if they choose this paper-soft winning streak as the excuse to keep the gang around, I’m going to be mad. And I’m not even a Bears fan. Don’t do it.

Patriots 26, Broncos 23

Who thought it would be a good idea to put both these teams in primetime again? They’re both terrible. One team is reeling after a surprising hot streak and has come back to earth, and the other is just trying to relive the glory years. To no one’s surprise, this game was absolutely terrible. The Patriots only won thanks to a special teams touchdown and Denver being unable to play defense on the final drive. Broncos, this loss all but takes you out of the playoff hunt. Chef Russ, it might be time to ride on outta here.

Raiders 20, Chiefs 14

Oh my god. Chiefs! What the hell was that? A golden opportunity to make up ground against your rivals and you completely blow it. The offense was godawful. The Raiders had defensive touchdowns on back-to-back snaps. You dominated them on paper. Hell, they didn’t even complete a pass after the first quarter! And you still find a way to blow it. Even better for everyone who isn’t a Chiefs fan? They haven’t clinched yet, either. There’s an outside chance they miss the playoffs. That would be very funny to see. Raiders, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for humbling this team, pick-six after pick-six. You deserve a hell of a lot more credit than you’ll get for this win.

Giants 25, Eagles 33

Much like their super bowl opponent, the Eagles are steadfast on screwing up every single thing that led to them at one point having a 10-1 record. Look at them now. They’re being exposed by the New York Giants. Not even by Tommy DeVito but by Tyrod Taylor. I don’t care that they won in the end, if it weren’t for the refs this game might have been very different. The good news for them is that they have a paper soft schedule to end the year, and they still control their own destiny for the playoffs. You’re not going to mess this up… right? Giants, don’t think I forgot about you. Go directly to the elimination room, do not pass go, do not collect your dignity.

Eliminated: New York Giants

They started the season with an offense that set records for ineptitude for the first half of the year, and a defense routinely fatigued thanks to having to put the team on their backs. Tommy DeVito may have been a good story, but you’ve got serious questions to ask on the offensive side of the ball. Saquon probably won’t stay. The albatross of Daniel Jones’s contract will prevent them from doing anything significant. Brian Daboll will probably lose his job in the next couple of years. They are screwed.

Ravens 33, 49ers 19

What do I call this game other than a complete exposure of every weakness and flaw of the 49ers? The solution to beating San Francisco is to zone in on the run and force Brock Purdy to do more than game-manage to win the game. He failed spectacularly, throwing 4 picks and being pulled with a stinger in the 3rd quarter. Their allegedly strong defense was picked apart by the arm and legs of Lamar Jackson, whom they had no answer for. In front of the Bay area Faithful, the Ravens open up a treasure chest. An AFC North title. Not going to lie, I’m impressed.

Chargers 21, Raiders 63

Folks, to put this game and the surrounding activities into perspective, it’s time for me to regale you in a personal tale. I’m in Japan for the holidays right now, and due to the time difference, all of the late games kick off around 10:15 in the morning. That was also right around when I had to hop on a subway to go meet someone, and I lost connection. I got off the train an hour later, fired up my scoreboard app, and saw the Raiders were winning 42-0. At halftime. I deleted the app and reinstalled it. Multiple times. Then I realized it was real and started laughing hysterically. Long story short, the Chargers got completely dominated in every way, shape, and form by an offense that hadn’t scored a point in a week and a half. The rest was history. Raiders, you may be nowhere near playoff contention in yet another disappointing year for you guys, but you’ll have this for eternity. Chargers, you and your six fans can kindly get out of my sight.

Wait, hold up, there’s one more thing I forgot to mention. Brandon Staley has deservedly been axed 11 months after he should have been. It’s completely deserved at this point. With his faux analytics, constantly going for it on 4th down and failing in his own territory, putting immense pressure on his defense to make stops they can’t make. Oh yeah… the defense. Staley was supposed to be some defensive mastermind, but these past few years have shown us that he was a fraud in that regard as well. Carried to relevance by Aaron Donald. And some other guys. Know what the proof is? The Chargers have had at least one marquee splash defensive acquisition every year and have found a way to waste every single one of them. That’s generational ineptitude. Don’t worry, Brandon, you’ll get another job soon, since this league is a joke and some desperate team will have no choice but to turn to you.

Vikings 24, Bengals 27

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that this game would be between two 7-6 teams, I would have believed you. Now, if you had told me it would feature two backup quarterbacks, I would have had your head examined. What this game came down to was experience under pressure. Jake Browning, for his flaws, played efficiently. Nick Mullens couldn’t effectively make a throw to save his life. Even with Minnesota’s defense imitating Atlas holding up the world, making stop after stop and keeping a commanding lead, Mullens committed some of the most boneheaded turnovers I’ve seen this year to keep Cincy in the game. You can’t give a guy like Jake Browning that kind of momentum, or else he’ll pounce on it. Cincinnati wins and keeps their playoff hopes alive at 8-6 against all odds. I’m not sold on their prospects there, but with that defense and their structure surrounding Browning, they’ll at least be competitive.

Steelers 13, Colts 30

This game was a tale of two teams: The happy-go lucky failure that is having their ridiculous luck catch up to them, and the young, hungry team that’s freeing itself from the mud and is finally stringing together some convincing performances. Absolutely no surprises here, despite an early Pittsburgh lead due to said mud. As for the Steelers, it’s panic time. Mason Rudolph has been named the starter for next week. Mason Rudolph. Yep, your season’s over.

Broncos 17, Lions 42

This is a game where Denver falls back to earth and is exposed for their flaws. Unfortunately for Russ and the offense, we got the week 3 version of the Broncos’ defense today. You know, the week when they gave up 70 points? Detroit had their way with them all game long, it wasn’t even close. They needed to make a statement after several subpar performances, and by God, they did it here. Well done, Lions. Win next week and you’ll win your first division title in 30 years. Get it done, Detroit.

Giants 6, Saints 24

It’s time for the Italian portion of the Bronx to fall back down to earth. Tommy DeVito, for as good a feel good story as he is, is not a full-time starter. This game proved it. The Saints zeroed in on the run and forced Tommy Cutlets to beat them with his arm. He couldn’t. Despite a Tyrod Taylor sighting, the game was never within reach. As for the defense? Torched by Derek Carr for 3 touchdowns. I don’t even need to say anything else, that’s damning on its own. Giants fans, you can kindly exit from your one month of relevance to go back to doing mock drafts again. It’s what you’re good at, what else do I know?

Bears 17, Browns 20

It’s do or die time for Chicago. With their recent wins and an outside shot at the playoffs, they need to scrape together wins by any means necessary. Going into Cleveland will be tough, but the hope is that Chicago would at least keep it competitive. Fortunately for the Bears, this is where we realize that Joe Flacco is, indeed, Joe Flacco. His checkdown goodness spots Chicago to an early 10-point lead. However, Cleveland’s defense clamps down and prevents them from adding to it. Deep into the 4th quarter, the Bears are still up by 7, but this is when Flacco wakes up from his slumber and torches their D for a touchdown and a go-ahead field goal from Dustin Hopkins. In one of the more Bearsy games of the year, Cleveland came back for 13 unanswered when they looked dead in the water. Well done, Bears, as this game is probably the difference between them fluking their way into the playoffs and making significant changes in the offseason. Cleveland now becomes the worst 9-5 team in NFL history. Be lucky you don’t have to face real teams any time soon.

Falcons 7, Panthers 9

I’m not going to go through the whole song and dance with Atlanta, where I point and laugh at their repeated failure. If I’m a Falcons fan, I want heads on spikes outside Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Such epic failure. And this wasn’t even to a quality team either, try the Carolina Panthers. A broken team with a terrible owner, no first round pick, one win on the year, an empty stadium, and tickets on resale for less than a dollar in the pouring rain. Arthur Smith, I would start packing your bags right around now. If the Falcons don’t fail upwards into a playoff spot, you’re done.

Buccaneers 34, Packers 20

Two quarterbacks that we dismissed as mediocre at the start of the year playing meaningful football in December. Jordan Love and Baker Mayfield squaring off in a battle for their playoff lives. What this game would come down to was which defense managed to patch up the dam break first. Todd Bowles, for his flaws, managed to put together a well-schemed performance. Joe Barry just sat around aimlessly chewing bubble gum. Packers, you can all but kiss your January hopes goodbye.

Jets 0, Dolphins 30

Miami needed to bounce back after last week’s choke, and they did so in style against a group all but playing dress up as a football team at this point. Zach Wilson couldn’t do much against the Miami defense before getting injured, and his replacement in Trevor Siemian looked like he had gotten loaded downtown the night before and was still hung over. Miami, this proves nothing. Beat a real team and then talk. Jets, I almost forgot about you. This loss earns you a dubious reward. No playoffs.

Eliminated: New York Jets

Their relevant season was over 4 plays into their first offensive drive. The rest was just the usual ineptitude and chucking their fans off a cliff. This was one of the Jetsiest seasons in recent history, and that’s saying something. Significant changes must be made in the offseason to mold the team to Aaron Rodgers’ preference. Start with the O-line and The Hack.

Chiefs 27, Patriots 17

Chiefs fans, you can ignore Mahomes looking off, or your receivers not being able to catch, or your incredibly suspect defense being the only reason why you win games anymore. Taylor Swift is in attendance today! This means the refs are automatically programmed to throw flags at any Patriots player that moves. The amount of help the Chiefs were getting from the zebras today is almost impossible to understand, yet they still kept New England in the game for far too long. The fortunate thing for them is that they have an incredibly easy schedule to end the year, which means they should be in for January football barring extreme circumstances. Don’t even think about it, Chiefs.

Texans 19, Titans 16 (OT)

Houston marching out onto the field against the organization that stole their team and also appropriated their old uniforms for use in this game. The entire Houston fan base went into this game wanting blood. Unfortunately, they must wait, as their litany of injuries now includes CJ Stroud, out with a concussion. This means that the clipboard legend Case Keenum is back under center. Tennessee will roll out to a 16-3 lead at half and just coast to victory. Or will they? Longtime followers of the league will know that Keenum has a special gear he rarely reaches: his Minnesota form. Houston, you are now seeing why this man is considered a quality backup. Keenum marches them down the field over and over to eventually tie the game, and then winning it in overtime off a long field goal by Ka’imi Fairbairn. Titans, I now present your reward for this epic choke. Playoff elimination!

Eliminated: Tennessee Titans

At least your team didn’t imitate Fukushima like they did last year. To do so, you would have had to have had some semblance of optimism. Will Levis showed flashes of his potential, but he’s still rawer than the whole bananas he allegedly eats on the reg. Sadly, I don’t have much confidence in Vrabel and his staff to develop him the right way. Maybe next year, guys.

49ers 45, Cardinals 29

San Francisco is humming right now, but this is a classic trap game for them. Right before their Christmas showdown with Baltimore next week, they must travel to their home away from home in Glendale to face the Cardinals. They’ll warm ‘em up a little, let them score a couple touchdowns to establish trust, take them into an alleyway, and beat the daylights out of them. You would be alarmed at how porous they were, but c’mon, they’re facing the Cardinals, the D just needed to maintain a pulse and they’d be fine. Onward to your next quest, 49ers.

Commanders 20, Rams 28

The Commanders now are what everyone thought the Cardinals would be after week 3. Competitive, spirited, but lacking in many areas, preventing them from achieving their full potential. Case in point, their scrum against the Rams. Sure, they could keep it close with a spirited comeback, but at the end of the day, a combination of their opponent’s talent and Ron Rivera’s audition for a Darwin award did them in. The Rams are still in a playoff spot, and Stafford looks as sharp as ever. If it weren’t for Kroenke, I’d root for these guys. As for Washington, I would stop caring like your defense throughout the season, but I am morally obligated to pay attention to you today. There’s an elimination to deal with.

Eliminated: Washington Commanders

If Ron Rivera isn’t fired straight into orbit this offseason, it will be a dismal failure no matter who the new ownership group chooses to throw money at. The fact that Rivera still has a job to begin with isn’t a great look for Josh Harris and the new ownership group. You can take the Commies away from Dan Snyder, but you can’t take his damn good culture out of the Commies. What a wasted year. Just make Bieniemy the head coach and watch as you blossom into a good team next year.

Cowboys 10, Bills 31

So, Dem Boys ain’t good on the road, eh? Their defense sucks and can’t stop the run? Buffalo called an audible from the pre-Josh Allen days for this game. Run the ball on every down and bully their opponent at the line of scrimmage. It worked like a charm. Albeit, a blunt one. Ty Johnson’s bruising force, Latavius Murray’s veteran vision and instinct, and cap it all off with James Cook’s explosive speed and you get a 3-headed rushing attack that Dallas had no answers for. As for the defense? Dominant. The score technically doesn’t do it justice, as the Cowboys’ touchdown was in garbage time. Dak was running for his life all game, and on the plays where he wasn’t in mortal peril, the receivers were either covered or would develop hands of stone. Welcome back to the funny pages, Dallas! Hope that one week of relevance was worth it, boys! Cowboys, I know this loss is embarrassing, but at least you made the playoffs?

Playoff Bound: Dallas Cowboys

They will need to get their act together and win their division if they want a chance at doing anything in January. They cannot play on the road. Their offense, in particular, skews very fraudulent when outside the confines of a dome.

Ravens 23, Jaguars 7

All I need to say to Jags fans is this: This is the kind of smooth-brained idiocy that got Doug Pederson fired in Philadelphia. Horrible offensive scheming all around. Trevor Lawrence regressing and playing with a visible limp. God Awful clock management at Baltimore’s goal line at the end of the first half, and whatever that second half offense was. It’s less Baltimore’s skill than it is Jacksonville tripping over themselves every time they have a chance to. Even worse for them? The division they thought they locked up is now tied in a 3-way battle for the right to get smoked by Cleveland or Buffalo in the wild card round.

Eagles 17, Seahawks 20

Behold! The first game ever to be flexed into Monday Night Football. The bad news for us viewers is that Jalen Hurts is dealing with the flu, so Eagles fans can shout from the rooftops that everyone was about to see Hurt’s version of the Jordan flu game. Or at least we would, if Seattle’s defense didn’t mug them in a back alley. Philadelphia got dominated in every way, shape, and/or form by a Seattle defense reeling after 4 straight losses. They got one push tush touchdown in the first half and then everything fell apart. Even the defense is getting picked apart by the Seahawks’ stagnant offense. And this isn’t even with Geno Smith under center. Try Drew Lock. John Elway’s pride and joy let a masterful final drive, picking apart that Eagles secondary and turning James Bradberry into shoe leather. Eagles, I know this loss is devastating, but thanks to Dallas’s loss earlier in the week, you guys have now punched a ticket to January football.

Playoff Bound: Philadelphia Eagles

We know what this team’s potential is. We saw it last year. However, I just can’t shake the fraud narrative that they’ve been developing throughout the year. 3 straight losses with two of them by 3 scores or more will cause panic in any fanbase.

Patriots 21, Steelers 18

Remember a few weeks ago when we all thought Matt Canada getting axed would turn the Steelers into the next rendition of the greatest show on turf? After these past couple games, we’ve come to a cold reality: Pittsburgh’s problems run far deeper than their offensive coordinator. While his middle school offense didn’t help, it was far from the only issue. It showed once again against the Patriots. The offense didn’t get going at all, and the defense decided to lie over and die against a unit that got shut out by one of the worst defenses in football 3 days prior. Pittsburgh has now lost to the two worst teams in the league in the span of less than a week. You want an interesting stat? The Steelers are the first team in NFL history to lose consecutive games to teams 8 games under .500 or worse. Pittsburgh has been so bad they’ve made history. The fact that this team is still in playoff contention makes me physically ill. They fired one coach this year, they can fire Tomlin, too. Don’t worry, New England, you may have won this game, but you also win an inevitable outcome.

Eliminated: New England Patriots

A season turned into an unmitigated disaster due to a combination of injuries and ineptitude. Fitting for the end of the evil empire. Belichick might be gone, along with most of his assistants, but they’ll have most likely a top-5 pick. Now watch Belichick win out to save his job and screw up their tank.

Texans 6, Jets 30

I knew this game was going to end as a blowout. What I didn’t predict was who would be doing it. Houston, meet the Jets’ defense. They will stuff you like a turkey for most of the game before dragging you into a Newark alleyway and robbing you of your dignity. Zach Wilson started out slow, but the offense got going in the second half as he put his hatred for Tim Boyle into overdrive to put together an impressive performance. Jets, where the hell has this been? This isn’t even an issue with Boyle playing, they look like a completely different team! Too little, too late but at least Rodgers can get some reps later in the year if they keep winning.

Rams 31, Ravens 37

The Rams have won 3 straight against a wide range of opponents, but here, they face their true test: facing off against Baltimore on the road. Throughout the game, the Rams would hold tough, forcing the Ravens into some really embarrassing mistakes. I’d say this is more due to Baltimore playing down to competition again, but LA has found a way to revive themselves at this point in the season. They’re good, and this game proved it. However, one glaring flaw of their game re-emerged at the worst possible moment: special teams. Their kicker issues are well-known, but they also have issues with punt coverage and tackling. It happened again. Wouldn’t you know it, it happened in overtime, and they allowed Tylan Wallace to run a punt back for a touchdown to win the game, as the Ravens beat their chests deep into the night. 10-3 is a solid record, despite shaky performances in weeks past. Rams, this is your loss to feel proud of. You keep playing like that, you’re making the playoffs.

Panthers 6, Saints 28

Another glorious match in the NFC South means a special prize. TANK BOWL!

The saints may be reeling, but they are facing the closest thing to a free win on anyone’s schedule right now: Carolina. Their quest for a majestic tank would continue today as the Saints absolutely dominated them, despite Derek Carr looking less than optimal. Just take this free win and move into joint first for the NFC south.

Colts 14, Bengals 34

Indianapolis may have a mustachioed savant under center in Gardner Minshew, but he is no match for the great hero of Cincinnati: Jake Browning. Calm and collected behind a much-improved offensive line, Browning put together another outstanding performance to keep Cincinnati’s playoff hopes alive. The Bengals were one step ahead of Indy for most of this game, and there were countless deep balls from Browning to prove it. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed. I’m not sold on their prospects once they get there, but Cincinnati could make it to January with how they’re playing.

Buccaneers 29, Falcons 25

It’s an NFC South matchup. You already know this is a tank bowl.

Arthur Smith’s choking and jackknife offense against Todd Bowles. This game was the definition of ugly football. Tampa was able to suck just less than the Falcons as they were able to escape with a win in the end. And an NFC South division lead. They could win this division at 8-9 or 7-10, it’s that bad.

Jaguars 27, Browns 31

The Jags didn’t look that great last week against a weakened Bengals team, and that continued today against their in-state rival in the Browns. Cleveland’s offense was even welcoming back someone that had tormented them for years as quarterback: Joe Flacco. And here we all were thinking he was out of the league. Flacco did great today, skying the ball all game long, but the main MVP of this game was the Browns defense. They were suffocating. Cleveland has hope for the first time in an age. They’re 8-5 while starting 4 different quarterbacks. Ethics aside, that’s impressive. I’d root for them to make the playoffs, but I physically can’t as long as they employ Dirtbag. Jacksonville is now in freefall, and they get no favors as they play Baltimore next week. How long until Doug Pederson gets turned into feed at the St. Augustine alligator farm, again?

Lions 13, Bears 28

Over the past few weeks, we have been exposed to the glaring flaws of the Lions organization. Like many of the past few years, those flaws involve most of the team defense. Aaron Glenn, how do we say, isn’t that great at the whole “defensive coordinator” thing. His “coordinating” allowed Chicago to not only win, but walk all over them. The Bears were reeling, they’ve had a trainwreck of a year. Yet the Lions allowed a group that hadn’t scored a touchdown in over 2 weeks to waltz all over them. Combine this with an offense that forgot how to play, and it’s death for Detroit. Don’t you dare do your usual thing of blowing the division late in the year, you’ve done that too many times over the last 15 years for the fans to tolerate it. I know you want to, but just don’t. This is your first true test, Campbell. Get it done.

Seahawks 16, 49ers 28

Seattle, you did better than you did last time they played, I’ll give them that. The rest of the game was just a straight-up slaughter. The Niner defense dominated all day, and Brock Purdy and the offense woke up just in time to put the game away, despite Seattle keeping it close in the first half. San Francisco with this win finds themselves in the driver’s seat for the #1 seed in the NFC. Remember in late October when we all thought Seattle could take the mantle? How wrong we were.

Vikings 3, Raiders 0

You know it’s a bad game when both these cities’ respective hockey teams outscored this game easily. The MVPs of this game were the punters, both giving their legs a heavy workout. Minnesota managed to take the lead with a field goal late, only for Aiden O’Connell to throw an interception on the next play to hand them the game, robbing us of a 0-0 tie. We couldn’t even get a good outcome for the memes from this game, everybody loses. Except for Minnesota, they get another week of false hope.

Broncos 24, Chargers 7

Yet another game the Chargers play in LA filled to the brim with Broncos fans. These days, such a sight comes with a helping of a soundly humiliating defeat. Denver completely dominated in all 3 phases, further proving why Brandon Staley should be on the unemployment line come January, and the Broncos continue to make their case for a playoff spot. Denver is interesting to me. They have a good defense, but their offense skews very fraudulently. Might want to get it fixed before they face real teams in January.

Bills 20, Chiefs 17

Buffalo and Kansas City locking horns at Arrowhead for the 4th time in 3 years. You know it’s going to be a good game. Despite the Bills jumping out to an early lead, Kansas City never felt out of it. A couple good drives and a Josh Allen weekly interception helped them to tie the game. Much like last time, the defenses were the driving forces in this game. Buffalo managed to take the lead in the 4th quarter with a long field goal drive, but we all know Mahomes is the GOAT in the clutch. Look at the hook-and-ladder play they pull off for a go-ahead touchdown, it’s inspiring to see. Unfortunately, there’s a catch. The play was called back, thanks to a certain somebody on the Chiefs lining up offsides. If you didn’t watch the game, I’ll give you a minute to guess as to who it was, because he’s been the whipping boy for Chiefs fans all year. I’ll reveal the answer during the Laughingstock segment, because it’s him this week. Kansas City proceeds to sputter and fails to convert a 4th and 15, as Buffalo does just enough on defense to escape with a win. Complain about it all you want, Chiefs fans, but once again, the refs made the correct call. As I said last week, it’s not some grand conspiracy when the refs call the game impartially instead of bending to your every whim and fancy every week. Perhaps Mahomes needs to learn this lesson, too, as he spent most of the final minutes and the entire press conference pouting about how much of a victim the Chiefs are of the officials. Calm down, buddy. Just because you venmo’d the ref working the Jets game instead of this one by mistake doesn’t mean you have to unleash your frustration on us.

Eagles 13, Cowboys 33

No matter how good or bad either team is, the Dallas-Fort Worth area is kryptonite to Philadelphia. The Eagles haven’t won there since 2017, and Dak Prescott, in particular, has been dynamite in those games. It happened again in primetime. Philadelphia, for the second week in a row, was exposed for its flaws on national television and left in a corner to bleed out to death. The offense was flat. The defense was Swiss cheese. Nick Sirianni kept making stupid decisions instead of taking the points. The entire game was a disaster for Philadelphia. Even worse, they’ve unleashed the Pandora’s box of Cowboys fans on us once again, who now lead the NFC east via tiebreaker. Philadelphia is a #5 seed. That’s honestly an astounding revelation.

Packers 22, Giants 24

I don’t want to hear a word about how the Packers played down to competition, or how the Giants defense won them this game. The legend of Tommy DeVito cannot be explained away by mere mortal circumstances. In his primetime debut, DeVito was absolutely balling. Throwing strikes to his receivers, managing a good game under center, and spreading the ball out all night long. The crazy part is that with this win, there’s actually a way for the G-men to be in a playoff position by the end of next week. It requires them to get a lot of help, but if there’s a will, there’s a way. Or so they say. It’s also ironic how the Packers’ loss also cements a playoff berth for the team that has bested them there for years. Niner gang, welcome to January.

Playoff Bound: San Francisco 49ers

This team is loaded. If they keep playing the way they are, they’re a lock for the Super Bowl, especially with the NFC east cannibalizing themselves to clear their path to the #1 seed. Should be interesting to say the least.

Titans 28, Dolphins 27

Miami, in the past few weeks, has been embracing the all too familiar symptom of a fraudulent team in a contending position: playing down to their competition. Tennessee may be young and hungry, but Miami should have won this game in blowout fashion. Deep into the 4th quarter, though, it looked like the Dolphins would be bailed out of their own incompetence. A muffed punt and a fumble by the Titans, both inside their own red zone, gave Miami a commanding 27-13 lead with 3 minutes left. Surely, this will be another unconvincing win for the Dolphins to take them to 10-3. That’s where we were all wrong. The Titans offense under the power of Will Levis and D-Hop woke up from its slumber and drove down the field for a quick touchdown. Using all 3 timeouts, they managed to stop Miami, get the ball back, and drive it down for another touchdown, carving up the Dolphins’ allegedly strong D like a John Madden turducken. With the extra point kicked, the Titans led by 1. And then the Dolphins’ injured line comes back to haunt them. Tua gets sacked on 4th down, and the Titans come away with a win in a stunned Miami. Dolphins, you’re in the deep end now. The grace period’s over, boys. Your next few games are against contenders. Please choke, just for the memes. I’d love to see it.

Laughingstock of the Week

I think we all know who the laughingstock should be this week. If you couldn’t guess from the description during the Chiefs-Bills segment, it’s Kadarius Toney. Just like almost every other Chiefs loss this year. He was the greatest asset to Buffalo today. Thanks be to him for lining up almost a yard offside to negate the play of the year.

Before we get into this week and the corresponding festivities, we must step back and tell a tale about my team, the Buffalo Bills. This is the best week of the year for the Bills since it’s their bye week, but it may be the most embarrassing. Von Miller has not been the same player since his ACL tear on Thanksgiving last year. He’s only played a few snaps, and he’s looked much worse in the snaps he’s played. The hope was that a well-timed bye week would help him get back on track. Boy, were we wrong. During the bye, our friend Von flew to Dallas to be with his pregnant girlfriend. As day broke on a sunny Wednesday morning, an argument between Miller and his partner got physical. Despite his girlfriend repeatedly pleading with him that she was pregnant, Miller got into some pushing and shoving, leading to a formal assault charge and an arrest warrant being issued. Miller would turn himself in to the police a day later. At this point, what’s done is done. All I’m hoping for is that the girlfriend is okay, and that the Bills can use this as a dog whistle to undo Miller’s god-awful contract situation. Even on their bye week, Buffalo still finds ways to take the L. Fitting for how this season has gone.

Seahawks 35, Cowboys 41

Congratulations, Dallas, you folks finally beat a team over .500! I’m not convinced. Seattle came into this game with serious question marks. They hadn’t scored an offensive touchdown since the first quarter against the Rams. Yet the Cowboys’ “vaunted defense” couldn’t force a single punt the entire game. Sure, they got some turnovers thanks to ballhawks like Darron Bland, but Bland was also cooked for most of the game by DK Metcalf. Sure, Dallas managed to escape in the end thanks to Geno Smith falling back to earth, but this says nothing about them to me. Seattle, though, is in panic mode. It’s okay since they’re still tied with the Vikings, but that’s 3 straight losses. Get it together, guys.

Colts 31, Titans 28

Indianapolis is a strange team to me. They can’t close out inferior opponents like other teams in their position, but at the same time- they’re 7-5 when they should have been nowhere near that mark. Case in point, their skirmish against the Titans, where they won on a combination of luck and clutch plays by their offense and special teams. Then again, it’s in Tennessee tradition to walk into bear traps any time they get something going. Hey, the offense is moving, they’ve had multiple leads! Well, too bad, since Derrick Henry is now injured and the offense falls flat. You think your special teams are going to be competent? How about you allow 2 blocked punts to set up the Colts in prime field position? Oh, look here, an extra point to take the lead! Too bad, since their punter got injured on one of the blocks, and Ryan Tannehill now has to hold for the try. He forgets the #1 rule of holding: Laces out. Game remains tied. Despite Tennessee taking the lead in overtime, their battered and fatigued defense couldn’t stop the might of the Indy’s mustachioed savant as he guided the offense down the field for the game-winning touchdown. Indy continues to defy the odds and push for a playoff spot. What a time.

Falcons 13, Jets 8

It’s a game involving an NFC South team facing off against a team with no quarterback. TANK BOWL!

The Jets, are the Jets, are the Jets. Despite their defense destroying worlds once again and reminding us for the 10th time this year that Desmond Ridder sucks, the offense was nowhere near par for this game, once again. The Tanks roll on for the Jets, as Tim Boyle continues to suck, as the Falcons somehow fail upwards into a .500 record. And sole possession of the division lead. Can we just revoke this team’s playoff spot and give it to the Bills? We don’t want to watch the Cowboys get another free win in the Wild Card round. Oh yeah- the Jets. You may notice that there’s no intoxication meter this week. That’s because it crashed after last week’s debacle. The mistake in MetLife is a Megabus and Nathaniel Hackett is driving it straight off the GW Bridge.

Lions 33, Saints 28

Despite Detroit looking suspect once again against an opponent they should crush, they managed to pull out in the end thanks to a comedy of errors for New Orleans in the first quarter. It’s not a statement, but it’s something. This Saints offense is awful. Their quarterback can’t throw, the receivers can’t catch, any sort of clutch breaking down before they get out of the lot, the typical sort. However, the Saints then had a revelation. Derek Carr was knocked out of the game. The man, the myth, the legend. The quarterback the meme world has been dying for since 2019. FAMOUS JAMEIS IS BACK IN THE SADDLE, BABY! He does famous Jameis things and gets the Saints back into the game, but they falter late. Detroit, run as fast as you can out of the superdome, but a win is a win. They’re 9-3. That’s nothing to scoff at.

Broncos 17, Texans 22

If you told me at the start of the year that the Broncos and Texans would both be over .500 at this point in the year, I would have had your head examined. Then again, this NFL season has been so crazy pretty much everyone feels like they’re living out an alternate timeline. This game was everything it was advertised to be. CJ Stroud skying the ball all game, stout defenses, Chef Russ baking turnovers interspersed with aiding his team, and even some refball on a fumble return for a touchdown that was ruled dead due to forward progress. Houston may have the lead, but the Broncos have the ball and drive to the 5 yard line. What does Russ do? He throws an interception. That 5 game win streak is now history, but the Broncos looked pretty good in this one. You know which game the Texans are getting revenge for. With how much the media flamed them for it, they were absolutely out for blood today.

Chargers 6, Patriots 0

If both teams are terrible, yet are still trying to foolishly win games, do we call this a tank bowl? Let me take a closer look. Oh yeah, it’s a tank bowl.

This was one of the worst excuses for football I have ever seen. The Chargers kicked two field goals and no one else did anything of note for the entire game. Bailey Zappe looked bad, Mac Jones looked even worse, the Chargers did Charger things against an inferior opponent, only to somehow luck into an undeserved win to keep their slim playoff hopes alive. New England, it might be time to blow it up.

Cardinals 24, Steelers 10

When the best part of a game for the home team is the weather delay saving the fans from having to watch, you know something is wrong. Matt Canada may have been an issue, but the Steelers didn’t do him any favors either. A week after cresting 400 yards for the first time since the feudal age, the Steelers took the field against a vastly inferior defense and got stuffed like a turducken. Even worse, Kenny Pickett was knocked out with an injury. This put the worst 2nd overall pick in NFL history back in the saddle for Pittsburgh. Predictable things happened. The Steelers fell to 7-5 after losing big once again. Fitting.

Dolphins 45, Commanders 15

Miami, congratulations! You are today’s recipient of A FREE WIN! That’s right, A FREE WIN!!! You get the reward of facing a complete tire fire in the Washington Commies. Dan Snyder may be long gone, but this organization still finds new and impressive ways to take the L nearly every week. After firing Jack Del Rio last week, the defense proved he wasn’t the main issue by getting torched by Tyreek Hill and imitating parking cones for most of the game. Miami barely needed to maintain a pulse and they would have won this game, just chuck it downfield and Tyreek would be wide open by 15 yards. Miami continues to ride their incredibly easy schedule to 9-3. You only have a couple more games of this before you have to face real teams, guys. Don’t get complacent.

Panthers 18, Buccaneers 21

Two NFC South teams doing battle. You know what this means. TANK BOWL!

Carolina, one week after firing half their coaching staff, now must go to Tampa Bay and face a Bucs team with far better aspirations than theirs. Throughout the game, the Buccaneers would prove themselves superior. Tampa wins the game easily, and also delivers Carolina another reward. They are the first team eliminated!

Eliminated: Carolina Panthers

An all-in move for the first overall pick backfires significantly. Not only are they the worst team in the league by a country mile, they also don’t have their first round pick. The bears lick their chops and thank the Panthers for gifting them the tank bowl championship.

49ers 42, Eagles 19

Philadelphia has been dancing through the raindrops against inferior opponents for most of their strong start to the year. I knew at some point it would catch up with them, and it did at the Linc today. Wouldn’t you know it, it happened against the team that had the most to gain by beating them. San Fran came in to make a statement, and by God, they made it. They completely embarrassed Philly, at home, to a captivating crowd of mostly Niner fans. San Fran flies through the night, as they get their statement win they’ve been looking for. Good work, Niners.

Browns 19, Rams 36

With Dirtbag and now Dorian Thompson-Robinson now out with injury, there’s a new man in the saddle at QB for the Browns. None other than the checkdown sensei Joe Flacco. JOE FLACCO! You could just feel the fan apathy through the tv screen. He performed as terribly as everyone expected. Cleveland’s defense could only do so much as the Rams waltzed past them on nearly every drive. LA dominated on both fronts yet again, pulling away at the end of the game for a win that puts them back in the playoff conversation with a 6-6 record. They’re finally starting to hit the stride that made them champions 2 years ago.

Chiefs 19, Packers 27

Another team on the up-and-up right now are the Green Bay Packers. As heavy underdogs at home against Kansas City, they not only pulled off an upset, but also caused the meltdown of an entire fanbase over alleged unfair reffing. Chiefs fans, listen. Just because you normally get all the calls doesn’t mean that every odd call that goes against you is some vile conspiracy. If you saw them on social media after the game, you’d think they got screwed by the refs as consistently as teams like the Lions and Saints. They were insufferable. Unbelievably insufferable. All this allows many to overlook the fact that the Packers are now 6-6 and looking like playoff contenders again. Thank you, Green Bay. Thank you for causing a five-alarm blaze amongst Chiefs Kingdom. Not even Taylor Swift being at Lambeau could save the Chiefs from the might of the Packerena.

Bengals 34, Jaguars 31

Nobody was giving the Bengals a chance in this game. They were starting Jake Browning, coming off a pathetic offensive performance against the Steelers, and running into a Jags team that was taking no prisoners. However, the Jags didn’t dominate as they were expected to. Their offense, while scoring touchdowns, faltered at many points throughout the game thanks to a stout Bengals D, while the defense bent, despite getting an interception on the funniest trick play I’ve seen since the Indy punt fake. However, the Jags have the ball, tied at 28 with 5 minutes left. Everyone thought the Jags would march down the field and take the lead for good. Instead, Trevor Lawrence’s ankle was stepped on causing an injury that took him out of the game. And McManus missed a long field goal. The Bengals take the lead on a field goal drive from Jake Browning. Enter T-Law’s backup. The incredible, the immortal… C.J. Beathard. He actually did a decent enough job, getting the Jags into field goal range to tie the game. They even won the overtime coin toss with a chance to win with a touchdown. Then you remember which quarterback this is. The Jags go 3-and-out. Cincinnati gets the ball, pushes into Jags territory, and boots the winning field goal, allowing Doug Pederson to experience the first-world problems of the home crowd being too loud for his defense to do anything. When the crowd’s job when the defense is on the field is to cause communication issues for the opposing offense. You can’t use noise as an excuse when teams like the Chargers and Commies have to deal with every week. Toughen up, Doug.

Laughingstock of the Week

For this week’s Laughingstock of the Week, we travel north to Lambeau, for the final minute of the Chiefs’ scrum against the Green Bay Packers. The Laughingstock is Isaiah Pacheco, who doesn’t just bruise defenders with strong runs, he bruises them on fumble returns as well. With no timeouts, a Chiefs receiver coughs up the ball and Packers corner Kayshawn Nixon returns it for the game-winning touchdown. Or so it seemed. The play would be called back, since the Chiefs receiver was down by contact, but wait, there’s a flag! And even better, it’s a personal foul, so the fumble being overturned doesn’t negate it. Turns out Pacheco thought he was in UFC and threw a right hook at a Packers defender trying to block him. The 15 yard penalty not only pushed the Chiefs back from the 35 to midfield with 30 seconds left, it also forced Mahomes and company to go for broke with hail Marys on every single play. To add insult to this mess, Pacheco was also ejected from the game, taking away a key checkdown option for Mahomes against a prevent defense, which could have pushed the Chiefs into the red zone had he been on the field. Green Bay would go on to win on, yes, an incomplete hail Mary. I’m surprised this isn’t getting more attention.

The Turkey Day festivities are in full swing. Do you know what this means? More football. Boys and girls, it’s recap time.

Packers 29, Lions 22

Detroit on thanksgiving. No matter how good or bad either team playing that day is, Detroit will find a way to lose. This year’s honorary free win goes to the Green Bay Packers. Possibly the weakest opponent Detroit has played all year besides the Bears, and they find a way to blow it. MCDC can go for it on 4th down all he wants, but it doesn’t mean a thing if they can’t convert them. The Lions were 0 for 5 on 4th down. 0 for 5. Can you see the total ineptitude of that situation? Fortunately, the rest of their schedule is pretty easy, but after games like this? Might have to put a hold on the super bowl aspirations.

Commanders 10, Cowboys 45

Dallas continues their incredibly easy schedule against yet another pretend team in the Washington Commies. Despite keeping it close for a half, the Cowboys did this thing at halftime called “adjusting”. It quickly got ugly after that. 31 unanswered points scored as Washington didn’t have any answers on defense, and it cost Jack Del Rio his job. Many are happy with this move, but I’m going one step further. Get riverboat Ron out of there too. He’s been holding back the team for years.

49ers 31, Seahawks 13

San Francisco is once again heating up and taking no victims. Their next victim? An alleged playoff contender in the Seattle Seahawks. Throughout the game, Geno Smith and the rest of Seattle’s offense got a one-way ride straight to hell. It seemed like every offensive series for the Seahawks, there would be at least one play where San Fran just ran circles around them. Seattle’s only points were off good special teams and a pick-six. None of their points were earned by the offense, a near shutout for the Niner D. Now they have to set up for a showdown with Philly next week at the Linc.

Dolphins 34, Jets 13

And here it comes, stumbling in from the left, the Buttfumble Intoxication Meter. In fact, we need a drinking base for this week. The defense is still destroying worlds, New York still has the better hockey team, the Knicks aren’t complete garbage. Let’s put it at around 30 beers, which should do it. The good news for the Jets is that Zach Wilson isn’t playing this week due to being told to hit the pine in Buffalo last week. The bad? They have no choice but to start Tim Boyle. He performs as badly as everyone thought he would. Despite the defense doing their best, even scoring a touchdown off a Tua interception, the Jets offense couldn’t even get on the board until late in the 4th quarter. This team is absolutely awful. They have fewer rushing touchdowns than NFL wide receivers, their own receivers couldn’t catch a cold during the black death, the defense is stretched and overwhelmed to the point where they’re falling apart at the seams, and the year is a complete disaster. How on earth did the drinking meter overload on alcohol again? Only in Jersey. Miami, you looked horrible, but here’s your free win.

Buccaneers 20, Colts 27

This is what we call a crossroads game. The Buccaneers are trying to keep up in the NFC South, while the Colts look to remain surprisingly relevant in the AFC playoff race. What this game would come down to was which offensively challenged team would screw the pooch less. And that team was Indy. Gardner Minshew and his mustachioed glory led the Colts to yet another close win, as they are now knocking on the door for a playoff spot. Now if you told me at the beginning of the year that the Week 12 playoff picture would feature 3 AFC South teams, I would’ve had you chucked into a straitjacket.

Patriots 7, Giants 10

10 years ago, these two teams were playing in the Super Bowl. Today, they fight for a different prize. TANK BOWL!

The Giants’ recent push to scrap the tank and embrace mediocrity again took a big step forward, much to the dismay of their fans. With their Italian prodigy Tommy DeVito under center once again, New York managed to squeak out yet another win to keep fan optimism afloat. The solution to awakening a team dead in the water? The Patriots. Mac Jones was godawful in his limited sample size, throwing 2 picks and making his case for a CFL job next fall. Notice how I said limited sample size? That’s right, he got benched for Bailey Zappe yet again. It is a tremendous upgrade, from cataclysmically horrific to simply trash. With enough said, the Patriots are within 3 and charging to tie the game for overtime. They get into field goal range- and the kicker shanks a routine field goal. The Giants somehow fail upwards into their first back-to-back wins of the season. New York may have won the game, but New England has won the tank. I can’t wait to see which projected 3rd rounder Belichick selects with their top-10 pick. If he survives in New England to see that day, that is.

Steelers 16, Bengals 10

One week after the great firing of Matt Canada, the Steelers have turned a new leaf. Despite the score not suggesting it, Pittsburgh turned in quite possibly their best offensive performance of the year with Mike Sullivan calling the plays. To put this in perspective, the Steelers have been outgained in every game this season. Facing Jake Browning will put that to an end, but the Steelers also had over 400 yards of offense today. You know how long it’s been since that happened? 58 games. The last time they had 400 yards, Heinz Field was still called Heinz Field, had no people in it, and the opposing quarterback was Brett Rypien. Despite the Bengals keeping it close through a combination of ridiculous luck and turnovers, The Steelers managed to pull through in the end. They became the luckiest 7-4 team in NFL history with this win.

Panthers 10, Titans 17

Carolina is going to Nashville for what is sure to be a really awful football game. ANOTHER TANK BOWL!

Yes, another tank bowl. Carolina is representing Chicago, while the Titans are representing their brutally disappointing season. Both tank brigades came out to play today. Tennessee won a thoroughly unimpressive game, I’ll leave it at that. The real fireworks were to follow.

David Tepper has been a disaster as owner of the Panthers. The Rock Hill debacle, throwing way too much money at players and coaches, and seemingly spontaneous coaching changes. Could you guess what happened this time? That’s right, Frank Reich is gone. He didn’t even get to finish a full season as head coach. That’s not all, either. QB coach Josh McCown and assistant coach Duce Staley have also been kicked to the curb. They didn’t even do anything wrong, they weren’t given anything to work with! Every one of them wanted CJ Stroud over Bryce Young, but Tepper meddled to make the Young pick happen. Now, in addition to having no team, no first round pick, and no competent ownership, they’re also down half a coaching staff. Congratulations, Tepper, you’ve learned nothing. Dan Snyder has passed the baton to him for worst owner in the league.

Jaguars 24, Texans 21

This was a great game of football ruined by the festering disease that is refball. It’s rare that a team will get almost completely screwed thanks to refball, but it happened today to the Texans. The refs were doing their best to hand this game to the Jags all afternoon long. Despite all the screwing over and jackknifing by the refs, the Texans were still within a field goal and driving. However, they’re forced into a 4th and 12. They opt for… a 58 yard field goal? With a kicker who’s been screwing up all game. He predictably missed, hitting the crossbar. While I think it was the right call, that’s a horrible way to lose. Especially with how stacked the AFC is. Better luck next time, Houston.

Saints 15, Falcons 24

I’m making an executive decision. All of the teams in the NFC South are utter trash and don’t deserve to make the playoffs. Thus, all remaining in-division games are henceforth relegated to tank bowl status. Starting with this one. Prepare yourselves for a TANK BOWL!

Oh boy, was this a good call. For a game that had a division lead on the line, this sure didn’t impress. Two horrible offenses and two defenses that are forced to pick up the slack with regularity congregating in the house that failure built for a matchup for the ages. Similar to other games this week, what this game would come down to was which quarterback sucked less. That was, surprisingly, Desmond Ridder. Great, now Arthur Smith has an excuse to start him for the rest of the games this year. Atlanta moves back into 1st place in that pathetic division, and the Saints? Well, at least you aren’t injured to hell and back like previous years?

Rams 37, Cardinals 14

Hello, 911, I’d like to report a murder taking place. Yeah, I’m witnessing the Los Angeles Rams bludgeon the Cardinals in Glendale, Arizona. It’s horrible, there’s blood everywhere. Everyone in the stadium is crying hysterically, please, send everyone you can. The Rams have a tank in the corner and they’re planting explosives under it as I speak for maximum damage. I don’t know how much longer I can talk for, and– oh, shoot, they saw me.

Browns 12, Broncos 29

The Broncos continue their impressive return to relevance with a home match at Mile High against the Cleveland Brownies. Denver made pretty easy work of their adversary, with Russ Wilson skying the ball all game and the defense doing the rest. Although to be fair, even the Panthers could stuff an offense like Cleveland’s, trodding out the likes of Dorion Thompson-Robinson at quarterback. This offense is horrible. They’re relying on a Joe Woods defense to carry them to wins, and it didn’t work out for them today. They may still be 7-4, but it’s a pretty weak one.

Bills 34, Eagles 37

Jalen Hurts and the Eagles played great today, but I must put their efforts to the side. For the Bills, this is a catastrophic failure. It’s less to do with how they played and more with the huge impact of this loss. While the Bills played well, they needed a perfect game to beat a team like the Eagles. And Buffalo was far from perfect. Many Bills fans are blaming the refs for this loss, but even though they were horrible, this loss is self-inflicted. This loss came down to James Cook dropping a touchdown, Bass missing two mid-range field goals, and McDermott’s vaunted defense continuing to buckle like a rotten board in crunch time. While there’s no shame in losing to the Eagles, this still stings a lot due to where it puts the Bills. With 5 weeks left and a tough schedule, they’re 10th in the AFC. You know how this could have been avoided? Not losing to the 2-win New England Patriots. Or blowing countless opportunities against the Jags in London. Or not gifting the game to a Jets team dead in the water. Let’s not even get into that home match against Denver, that just speaks for itself. While I still have a foolish optimism that they could win out and make the playoffs, they are notoriously bad after bye weeks. Guess what’s happening next week? Typical Buffalo, giving their fans hope and ripping it away from them just as we reach for it. Philly, all I’m going to say is that Jake Elliott and Jalen Hurts better not pay for anything for the rest of the year. They carried you in this game. And finish paying off the refs while you’re at it, too.

Chiefs 31, Raiders 17

I don’t care what the scoreboard says, the Chiefs are in deep trouble. Their offense is looking incredibly suspect. With the last few weeks, and then spotting the Raiders 14 points in this game, things need to change now. I don’t care that they came back and won in the end, it was the Raiders, this game shouldn’t have been close. It’s pretty easy to outscore an opponent when said opponent’s quarterback probably couldn’t hit a beach ball off of a tee. Kansas City and their handless receivers now gear up for two important matchups in the next weeks that will be huge for playoff implications. With their “performances” these past few weeks, I’m having serious doubts about them.

Ravens 20, Chargers 10

The Chargers haven’t been able to produce a complete 60-minute effort all year. In most of the games that they play, one side of the ball will shine while the other inexplicably vanishes from the face of the map. It leads to them either barely escaping with a win or losing in humiliating fashion. It happened again against a Ravens team far better than they are. This week’s culprit was Austin Eckler running like he was stuck on a flytrap, and the O-line transforming into turnstiles for most of the game. 5 turnovers by the Charger offense as Baltimore’s defense had a golden corral of skill players. However, this game remained uncomfortably close for most of the game. The Chargers’ D, injured as they are, put up a gutsy and valiant effort against Baltimore and Lamar Jackson. They kept them in check for most of the game, only breaking on the final drive. When you hold a contender like the Ravens to 13 points through 3 quarters, it’s squarely on the offense to step up and win the game. They couldn’t. Typical Charger luck. To be so close to victory yet so far away. Playoffs are now almost out of the question with a 4-7 record. So, when are you going to fire Staley, Spanos? This decade? Hopefully.

Bears 12, Vikings 10

I don’t want to hear any excuses about Josh Dobbs not being ready for the lights, or Justin Fields being back from injury. This entire game was a defensive exhibition, in the worst excuse for a primetime game excluding Thursday Night Football I’ve seen this year. If you missed out on the Turkey Day festivities and wanted some dessert pastries, these two NFC North teams have you covered with a delicious treat: the Turnover. 6 total on the day, to be exact. 4 interceptions by Josh Dobbs. Back to back fumbles by Justin Fields. The Bears won this game without scoring a touchdown. The first time anyone’s done that this year. Vikings, you’re screwed. There’s a reason why teams don’t hang onto Dobbs and you’re seeing it right here. Hope you like missing the playoffs again, Minnesota! We kept the seat at the losers’ table warm for you.

Laughingstock of the week

For this week’s Laughingstock, I boiled it down to 4 finalists. They are:

Ohio State, for whistleblowing about the Michigan “scandal” and still losing to them in The Game

Eagles fans, for yelling family death threats at Bills’ defensive lineman Jordan Phillips

The Chicago Bears- even in winning, they still find a way to be laughed at

NFL Referees, for ruining Jags-Texans and nearly ruining Bills-Eagles and Ravens-Chargers

And the winner this week is… THE World Famous Ohio State Buckeyes! Imagine being so insecure you have to accuse your rival of cheating, and then you still lose to them in the biggest game of the year. Go Blue, and go home, Ohio. And keep Ryan Day as head coach, too. He is the greatest asset to Michigan this time of year.