Patriots 21, Steelers 18
Remember a few weeks ago when we all thought Matt Canada getting axed would turn the Steelers into the next rendition of the greatest show on turf? After these past couple games, we’ve come to a cold reality: Pittsburgh’s problems run far deeper than their offensive coordinator. While his middle school offense didn’t help, it was far from the only issue. It showed once again against the Patriots. The offense didn’t get going at all, and the defense decided to lie over and die against a unit that got shut out by one of the worst defenses in football 3 days prior. Pittsburgh has now lost to the two worst teams in the league in the span of less than a week. You want an interesting stat? The Steelers are the first team in NFL history to lose consecutive games to teams 8 games under .500 or worse. Pittsburgh has been so bad they’ve made history. The fact that this team is still in playoff contention makes me physically ill. They fired one coach this year, they can fire Tomlin, too. Don’t worry, New England, you may have won this game, but you also win an inevitable outcome.
Eliminated: New England Patriots
A season turned into an unmitigated disaster due to a combination of injuries and ineptitude. Fitting for the end of the evil empire. Belichick might be gone, along with most of his assistants, but they’ll have most likely a top-5 pick. Now watch Belichick win out to save his job and screw up their tank.
Texans 6, Jets 30
I knew this game was going to end as a blowout. What I didn’t predict was who would be doing it. Houston, meet the Jets’ defense. They will stuff you like a turkey for most of the game before dragging you into a Newark alleyway and robbing you of your dignity. Zach Wilson started out slow, but the offense got going in the second half as he put his hatred for Tim Boyle into overdrive to put together an impressive performance. Jets, where the hell has this been? This isn’t even an issue with Boyle playing, they look like a completely different team! Too little, too late but at least Rodgers can get some reps later in the year if they keep winning.
Rams 31, Ravens 37
The Rams have won 3 straight against a wide range of opponents, but here, they face their true test: facing off against Baltimore on the road. Throughout the game, the Rams would hold tough, forcing the Ravens into some really embarrassing mistakes. I’d say this is more due to Baltimore playing down to competition again, but LA has found a way to revive themselves at this point in the season. They’re good, and this game proved it. However, one glaring flaw of their game re-emerged at the worst possible moment: special teams. Their kicker issues are well-known, but they also have issues with punt coverage and tackling. It happened again. Wouldn’t you know it, it happened in overtime, and they allowed Tylan Wallace to run a punt back for a touchdown to win the game, as the Ravens beat their chests deep into the night. 10-3 is a solid record, despite shaky performances in weeks past. Rams, this is your loss to feel proud of. You keep playing like that, you’re making the playoffs.
Panthers 6, Saints 28
Another glorious match in the NFC South means a special prize. TANK BOWL!
The saints may be reeling, but they are facing the closest thing to a free win on anyone’s schedule right now: Carolina. Their quest for a majestic tank would continue today as the Saints absolutely dominated them, despite Derek Carr looking less than optimal. Just take this free win and move into joint first for the NFC south.
Colts 14, Bengals 34
Indianapolis may have a mustachioed savant under center in Gardner Minshew, but he is no match for the great hero of Cincinnati: Jake Browning. Calm and collected behind a much-improved offensive line, Browning put together another outstanding performance to keep Cincinnati’s playoff hopes alive. The Bengals were one step ahead of Indy for most of this game, and there were countless deep balls from Browning to prove it. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed. I’m not sold on their prospects once they get there, but Cincinnati could make it to January with how they’re playing.
Buccaneers 29, Falcons 25
It’s an NFC South matchup. You already know this is a tank bowl.
Arthur Smith’s choking and jackknife offense against Todd Bowles. This game was the definition of ugly football. Tampa was able to suck just less than the Falcons as they were able to escape with a win in the end. And an NFC South division lead. They could win this division at 8-9 or 7-10, it’s that bad.
Jaguars 27, Browns 31
The Jags didn’t look that great last week against a weakened Bengals team, and that continued today against their in-state rival in the Browns. Cleveland’s offense was even welcoming back someone that had tormented them for years as quarterback: Joe Flacco. And here we all were thinking he was out of the league. Flacco did great today, skying the ball all game long, but the main MVP of this game was the Browns defense. They were suffocating. Cleveland has hope for the first time in an age. They’re 8-5 while starting 4 different quarterbacks. Ethics aside, that’s impressive. I’d root for them to make the playoffs, but I physically can’t as long as they employ Dirtbag. Jacksonville is now in freefall, and they get no favors as they play Baltimore next week. How long until Doug Pederson gets turned into feed at the St. Augustine alligator farm, again?
Lions 13, Bears 28
Over the past few weeks, we have been exposed to the glaring flaws of the Lions organization. Like many of the past few years, those flaws involve most of the team defense. Aaron Glenn, how do we say, isn’t that great at the whole “defensive coordinator” thing. His “coordinating” allowed Chicago to not only win, but walk all over them. The Bears were reeling, they’ve had a trainwreck of a year. Yet the Lions allowed a group that hadn’t scored a touchdown in over 2 weeks to waltz all over them. Combine this with an offense that forgot how to play, and it’s death for Detroit. Don’t you dare do your usual thing of blowing the division late in the year, you’ve done that too many times over the last 15 years for the fans to tolerate it. I know you want to, but just don’t. This is your first true test, Campbell. Get it done.
Seahawks 16, 49ers 28
Seattle, you did better than you did last time they played, I’ll give them that. The rest of the game was just a straight-up slaughter. The Niner defense dominated all day, and Brock Purdy and the offense woke up just in time to put the game away, despite Seattle keeping it close in the first half. San Francisco with this win finds themselves in the driver’s seat for the #1 seed in the NFC. Remember in late October when we all thought Seattle could take the mantle? How wrong we were.
Vikings 3, Raiders 0
You know it’s a bad game when both these cities’ respective hockey teams outscored this game easily. The MVPs of this game were the punters, both giving their legs a heavy workout. Minnesota managed to take the lead with a field goal late, only for Aiden O’Connell to throw an interception on the next play to hand them the game, robbing us of a 0-0 tie. We couldn’t even get a good outcome for the memes from this game, everybody loses. Except for Minnesota, they get another week of false hope.
Broncos 24, Chargers 7
Yet another game the Chargers play in LA filled to the brim with Broncos fans. These days, such a sight comes with a helping of a soundly humiliating defeat. Denver completely dominated in all 3 phases, further proving why Brandon Staley should be on the unemployment line come January, and the Broncos continue to make their case for a playoff spot. Denver is interesting to me. They have a good defense, but their offense skews very fraudulently. Might want to get it fixed before they face real teams in January.
Bills 20, Chiefs 17
Buffalo and Kansas City locking horns at Arrowhead for the 4th time in 3 years. You know it’s going to be a good game. Despite the Bills jumping out to an early lead, Kansas City never felt out of it. A couple good drives and a Josh Allen weekly interception helped them to tie the game. Much like last time, the defenses were the driving forces in this game. Buffalo managed to take the lead in the 4th quarter with a long field goal drive, but we all know Mahomes is the GOAT in the clutch. Look at the hook-and-ladder play they pull off for a go-ahead touchdown, it’s inspiring to see. Unfortunately, there’s a catch. The play was called back, thanks to a certain somebody on the Chiefs lining up offsides. If you didn’t watch the game, I’ll give you a minute to guess as to who it was, because he’s been the whipping boy for Chiefs fans all year. I’ll reveal the answer during the Laughingstock segment, because it’s him this week. Kansas City proceeds to sputter and fails to convert a 4th and 15, as Buffalo does just enough on defense to escape with a win. Complain about it all you want, Chiefs fans, but once again, the refs made the correct call. As I said last week, it’s not some grand conspiracy when the refs call the game impartially instead of bending to your every whim and fancy every week. Perhaps Mahomes needs to learn this lesson, too, as he spent most of the final minutes and the entire press conference pouting about how much of a victim the Chiefs are of the officials. Calm down, buddy. Just because you venmo’d the ref working the Jets game instead of this one by mistake doesn’t mean you have to unleash your frustration on us.
Eagles 13, Cowboys 33
No matter how good or bad either team is, the Dallas-Fort Worth area is kryptonite to Philadelphia. The Eagles haven’t won there since 2017, and Dak Prescott, in particular, has been dynamite in those games. It happened again in primetime. Philadelphia, for the second week in a row, was exposed for its flaws on national television and left in a corner to bleed out to death. The offense was flat. The defense was Swiss cheese. Nick Sirianni kept making stupid decisions instead of taking the points. The entire game was a disaster for Philadelphia. Even worse, they’ve unleashed the Pandora’s box of Cowboys fans on us once again, who now lead the NFC east via tiebreaker. Philadelphia is a #5 seed. That’s honestly an astounding revelation.
Packers 22, Giants 24
I don’t want to hear a word about how the Packers played down to competition, or how the Giants defense won them this game. The legend of Tommy DeVito cannot be explained away by mere mortal circumstances. In his primetime debut, DeVito was absolutely balling. Throwing strikes to his receivers, managing a good game under center, and spreading the ball out all night long. The crazy part is that with this win, there’s actually a way for the G-men to be in a playoff position by the end of next week. It requires them to get a lot of help, but if there’s a will, there’s a way. Or so they say. It’s also ironic how the Packers’ loss also cements a playoff berth for the team that has bested them there for years. Niner gang, welcome to January.
Playoff Bound: San Francisco 49ers
This team is loaded. If they keep playing the way they are, they’re a lock for the Super Bowl, especially with the NFC east cannibalizing themselves to clear their path to the #1 seed. Should be interesting to say the least.
Titans 28, Dolphins 27
Miami, in the past few weeks, has been embracing the all too familiar symptom of a fraudulent team in a contending position: playing down to their competition. Tennessee may be young and hungry, but Miami should have won this game in blowout fashion. Deep into the 4th quarter, though, it looked like the Dolphins would be bailed out of their own incompetence. A muffed punt and a fumble by the Titans, both inside their own red zone, gave Miami a commanding 27-13 lead with 3 minutes left. Surely, this will be another unconvincing win for the Dolphins to take them to 10-3. That’s where we were all wrong. The Titans offense under the power of Will Levis and D-Hop woke up from its slumber and drove down the field for a quick touchdown. Using all 3 timeouts, they managed to stop Miami, get the ball back, and drive it down for another touchdown, carving up the Dolphins’ allegedly strong D like a John Madden turducken. With the extra point kicked, the Titans led by 1. And then the Dolphins’ injured line comes back to haunt them. Tua gets sacked on 4th down, and the Titans come away with a win in a stunned Miami. Dolphins, you’re in the deep end now. The grace period’s over, boys. Your next few games are against contenders. Please choke, just for the memes. I’d love to see it.
Laughingstock of the Week
I think we all know who the laughingstock should be this week. If you couldn’t guess from the description during the Chiefs-Bills segment, it’s Kadarius Toney. Just like almost every other Chiefs loss this year. He was the greatest asset to Buffalo today. Thanks be to him for lining up almost a yard offside to negate the play of the year.
