2024 September – The Mirror

Students Arrive to Campus Changes with More to Come

September 17, 2024 by Cedric Lemaire

Upon arriving at Northwood this school year, many notable campus changes become evident. Just in front of the school’s main building, the 90-year-old pine trees that once threatened the new soccer pitch have been cut down and replaced with young maple trees. The old carpet has been torn up inside the main building, and the original hardwood floors underneath have been restored and decorated with new furniture and tasteful rugs.

The living room’s new look. Photo Provided.

Northwood entrance showcasing the new addition of maple trees. Photo provided.

Mike Maher, Northwood’s Head of School, said that “the board of trustees has passed a number of different capital projects that began this summer and will take place over the course of twelve months.” The board began with the entryway trees since they posed the largest threat to student safety and the longevity of the soccer pitch. The next project aimed to refurbish and restore the Northwood living room to its original hardwood floors. This change preserves the school’s Adirondack aesthetic while modernizing the entrance and living room, both of which have the most activity during the day. Mr. Maher summarized the school’s vision well. “The campus, as you know, is really unique among boarding schools. It is truly a historical Adirondack property that is rare to find, and we believe that we have the responsibility to protect it and restore it,” Maher said.

The changes aren’t finished; plans to relocate both the school store and the art studio are already in motion. The space that used to house the School Store will now function as a year-round gallery to view and admire students’ artwork, while the former student center space will be the art studio.

Mr. Maher described the reasoning behind the change. “Students weren’t using the student center in big numbers. We can debate [the student center] because kids may have different points of view; what’s not debatable is that we have not had an adequate space for the arts.”

Along with the current changes, plans to remove the School Life office, currently occupied by Mr. Spear, and the business office between the entranceway and the cafeteria are also underway. These plans were made to open up and connect the two major school spaces. In addition, a café named “Reno’s Café” will be opened, serving Mountain Dew and grilled cheeses in honor of the incredible teacher Steve Reed.

However, many current students are concerned at the removal of the student center, an important space in many students’ experiences at Northwood. Without confirming anything, however, Mike Maher alluded to a potential solution, saying: “The cafeteria could be turned into a multi-use space with things for kids to do.” However, with many changes occurring in the Northwood community, we must all remember that the physical differences that may occur in the school space do not define what Northwood means because as change occurs around us, the members of the Northwood community keep us together.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, Top Story

Ski Team Travels to Chile for Early Training

September 17, 2024 by Sydney Kuder

On Thursday, September 12^th, the alpine ski team departed Northwood to begin their long travel day to Chile. The team left the school at 6 am, and arrived in Valle Nevado, Chile, around 12:30 PM on the 13^th. Despite long and tiring traveling conditions, the skiers managed to find time in the airport for their academics. The team had a 5-hour layover in Atlanta, Georgia, and took advantage of this time to get schoolwork out of the way.

When the skiers arrived in Valle Nevado on the 13th, after unpacking the bus, they pulled their books out. The team couldn’t check into their hotel rooms for a few hours, and they used the extra time to continue schoolwork.

Left to right: Cara Dempsey ‘25, Sydney Kuder ‘25, Alessandro Lacci ‘25. Photo by Ms. Raychel West.

Left to right: Maika Beaudoin ‘27 and Lola Ferillo ‘27. Photo: by Ms. Raychel West.

From left to right: Maika Beaudoin, Lola Ferillo, Leanne Aubut-Laurin ‘26,and Arielle Haccoun-Chaquette ‘25. Photo by Sydney Kuder.

For the duration of the camp, the ski team will have 2–3-hour study halls every day after training. On the first day on snow, the skiers trained from 7am to 2pm with a break for lunch. The skiers worked on schoolwork in the afternoon. For most days of the camp, the team will have study hall from 1pm-3pm, and dryland workouts afterwards. To perform at their best, the skiers also tune their skis every day after skiing, which can take up to an hour, depending on that day’s snow conditions. Despite such busy days, the ski team always finds time for their studies. Cara Dempsey ‘25 comments: “I appreciate having structured times for studying because my academics are very important to me.” Raychel West, who is traveling with the team to manage study halls, speaks with every student at the beginning of study hall to give them their assignments. She contacts everyone’s teachers during the camp to administer tests. She says that “study hall has been challenging so far because the Wi-Fi is very spotty at our hotel.” During bad Wi-Fi days she encourages students to work on paper assignments.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, Sports

Environmental Club is Back

September 17, 2024 by Yosef Spear

The Environmental Club is back, and its leaders expect it to be better than ever. It will be led by Jackson Magnus ‘26 and Lucas Smith ‘26 and already has 15 members.

Lucas Smith ’26

Jackson Magnus’26

Lucas and Jackson have a deep love for the environment. Due to their sport, skiing, they are in a position where they must care for their environment and make sure to not contribute to effects like global warming and littering. They are both disappointed with the state of the world right now, and they hope to stop the frequently dwindling winters.

Jackson was inspired by former Northwood faculty member Ms. Kelly Carter, who used to run the environmental club when he was a freshman (2022-2023). During his sophomore year, he wanted to restart the club, but he was too busy. This year, because of a broken leg, he will be less busy with big ski trips during the start of the school year.

Lucas went to 4 different schools before Northwood, and at his third school, he and his friends started up an environmental club. His first year at Northwood, there was no environmental club, so he was disappointed, which is what inspired him to restart it.

They have plans for a big speaker to come in and talk about the movie he directed about how climate change has affected skiing. They also have plans to have trash clean-up days throughout the year. CARE advisor Ms. Lisa Wint is going to help them promote their group plan and get people to recycle here at school. They will then exchange those bottles for money and give them away to the school.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, People, Real World

Get to Know Ms. Franny Gerardi

September 17, 2024 by Eliza Quackenbush

Coach Franny Gerardi (Photo Provided)

Northwood, welcome Franny Gerardi, the girls’ hockey assistant coach. Originally a hockey goalie from Yonkers, New York, Franny was raised in a hockey family and started playing when she was two years old.

When asked what made her want to get into coaching, Gerardi referred to her father, who played an influential role in her decision to want to coach. “Hockey runs in the family,” she said. Her hockey journey led her to play for Bishop Kearny Selects in high school and then for the Manhattanville Valliant’s in college, where she broke numerous records, including single-season records (for saves, minutes played, and single-game saves) and career records (saves and minutes played).

Gerardi has come to Northwood as the girls’ hockey assistant coach, and her presence has already been noticed. Gerardi has a vibrant personality and a different view for many of the girls on the team.

Laura Dyke ‘25, captain of the girls’ hockey team, says: “Franny is a presence that any team would benefit from. She brings an energy that is encouraging and uplifting, while also demanding. She strives to make the girls around her better, and we are so excited to have her on the bench with us this year.”

Many of the girls on the team share this opinion. Autumn Kelley ‘26 states, “I enjoy the effect that coach Gerardi has on the girls’ hockey team already. I am excited to see what she will continue to bring to the culture of this team. She brings a good balance and is well-respected by the girls in this program.”

Kate Elbrect ‘26 agrees: “She is exceedingly knowledgeable when it comes to on-ice advice, giving a different perspective to girls who look for guidance.”

As an assistant coach, Franny is compelled to engage. Working alongside head coach Trevor Gilligan, she comes with a desire to learn and push the girls’ hockey team to their fullest potential. As Gilligan states, “She can relate to the goals and aspirations of the current players that we have, to help them to make decisions.” Furthermore, when asked to speak upon what he wants to teach Gerardi about Northwood girl’s hockey, Gilligan said, “The culture…you girls have a belief in how you carry yourselves every day and have a lot of pride in being at Northwood and representing the Northwood girl’s hockey team. While she has only seen a small sample size of that, she’s excited to help grow it.”

Welcome to Northwood, Franny!

Filed Under: Northwood Life, People, Sports

Weekend Bonfires Build Community

September 17, 2024 by Sasha Luhur

The Northwood community, captured at our most recent bonfire. Photo by Mr. Steve Mallaro.

Northwood students are often busy with sports and academic commitments, but the community still gets to unwind and hang out during their spare time. One of Northwood’s staple weekend activities is the bonfire, which is often accompanied by s’mores and music from one of the students’ campfire playlists. The bonfire tradition rekindled on the first Friday of the school year, and many students from all different sports, countries, and cultures stopped by and gathered around the firepit to enjoy the clear evening. Every year, bonfires are one of the best ways to establish Northwood student culture for both new and returning students.

The bonfire tradition is new to our first-year students, and the feedback has been quite positive. Penny St-Pierre ‘27 is a new sophomore, and she recounted a fun experience over the weekend bonfire. “A lot of people at Northwood are too shy at first to talk to each other, but at the bonfire with everyone, you have more confidence because we’re all gathered there. We had a lot of fun when we started throwing marshmallows at different teams,” she said.

Students moved around the fire throughout the night, getting to know new people. Photo by Sasha Luhur ‘27.

Unfortunately, the marshmallow fight eventually was shut down. She does have a few suggestions to improve the tradition: “We don’t have a lot of lights around the firepit, and we can’t see very well since it’s so dark outside. It would be easier to have fun if we could see around us better, so maybe we could have some activities with more lights around. But it was a really fun bonfire,” St-Pierre said.

Marie-Jeanne Cazes ’25 also had her first Northwood bonfire experience and said that it “was really fun and a good opportunity to meet new people. I would surely want to do it again.” Marie-Jeanne also recommends adding “more chairs around the fire and a big speaker” to improve the experience.

Bonfire nights have been a steady constant for our returning students, and they are known for connecting the community. Laura Dyke ’25 loved her first few bonfires right away, appreciating that “it’s a time where all the students at Northwood can come together.” She loves them as they are currently.

Returning senior Cedric Lemaire ‘25 has a similar point of view, with many fond memories of weekend bonfire nights. They are great opportunities for new conversations to him: “It always has been a time where I find people talking to others they wouldn’t normally talk to. I think they are great, and [we] need more organic events like it where Northwood students can be regular high schoolers,” Lemaire said. When asked whether he’d like to make any changes or additions to bonfire night before graduating from Northwood, Cedric said that he’d want more “events like integrating karaoke into the bonfire.”

The school year’s first bonfire was indeed a joint event with karaoke night, so it is great news that both events went smoothly and were appreciated by the community. Hopefully, there will be more of these weekend events to bring our student body together, and everyone is encouraged to show up and join in the fun!

Filed Under: Northwood Life, Top Story

Slagel Wins Filmmaking Award

September 17, 2024 by Jesse Schoch

Jacob Slagel ’26 (Photo: Moutain Lake PBS)

This past summer, Norwood student Jacob Slagel ’26 was presented with the Light and Shadow award by Moutain Lake PBS in partnership with the Beyond the Peaks Student Film Festival. As a project for the tenth-grade Integrated Humanities II, students were tasked to produce a film which would be entered in various categories for a chance to win a hefty sum of money. Students aged 13-18 from New York, Vermont and Quebec competed in this contest, which concluded with a premiere of the winning films in Plattsburgh, NY.

Slagel’s film covers a very meaningful and personal topic. “Even if I’m in a dark time I can always find the light, it’s all about how the way I look at it,” Slagel told Mountain Lake PBS over the summer.

In an interview with The Mirror, Slagel recalled a particular point that affected his athletic and social life. “When I was fourteen, I realized I had severe hip impingement, I had zero-degree hip mobility,” he said. He describes how his recovery not only took a physical but mental toll on his life.

Slagel said his film is a self-reflection on finding the small light no matter how big the tunnel is. When asked what he wanted his audience to walk away with after viewing the film he replied, “Everyone goes through dark times, but you choose whether you keep your head up high. If you keep at it and keep up the hard work, something will come out of it.”

Filed Under: Northwood Life, People, Top Story

A Profile of the 2024-25 Student Body

September 17, 2024 by Sophia Sherman

Northwood School has always been proud of their diverse community. This year is just another example of the impressive school profile.

For the 2024-25 school year, Northwood enrolled 195 students, 147 of whom are boarding students and 48 day students. To support and teach the school’s young minds, there are 40 teachers and coaches, and 10 other faculty and staff. 4 new faculty and staff are joining the community, and two returning faculty members (Mr. Gilligan and Mr. Biesemeyer) became parents over the summer!

This year’s student body is made up of 18 ninth graders in the class of 2028, 39 sophomores in the class of 2027, 57 juniors in the class of 2026, and 81 seniors and post-graduates in the class of 2025. This year takes the cake with the biggest graduating senior class recorded in the history books.

Any current student or Northwood alum can agree that there are many different experiences to choose from and plenty of opportunities to try different things here. As a baseline, 67 students play ice hockey, 53 play soccer, 32 ski race, 15 participate in the adventure sports program, 9 row crew, 8 are Nordic athletes, 6 are freestyle skiers, 5 are dancers, and 3 are figure skaters. Although students choose their co-curriculars for the school year, the opportunity to try different things is never lost.

A particularly uncommon thing about the community this year is that there is an even split between returning students and new. So far, it has been a refreshing and intriguing mix of new faces, and old wisdom. With such a diverse group, a new atmosphere and culture is introduced to the school. 115 students hail from the United States, spanning 23 states, and 78 international students come from 25 different countries. The most students (84) hail from New York, and 34 students are from Canada. This diversity of cultures and experiences provides many new stories and customs to be introduced this school year.

Elenor Mandigo, Assistant to the Admissions Office, says, “This is the biggest new class of students we have had since I have been here, and I have been here for 23 years. The new students do not feel overwhelmed with the fact that they are new. Half the school is going through the same experience for the first time, and you have the support of the kids that were already here.”

Gino Riffle, Director of Admissions, expects that the new-to-returning student ratio will allow returners to take on leadership roles. “It’s as simple as helping a new student find their way around campus, to leading them through a weekend at Northwood, to a late night talk in the dorm over a bowl of ramen or a bag of popcorn,” Riffle said.

Mandigo says that the record-breaking numbers of the student body will not affect how they do admissions in the future. “Next year will still have to be a year where we take a lot of new students, and then it will go back to the way it used to be. We are good at keeping the student body average around the same numbers. In terms of boarding students, we cannot admit more than what we average (147 this year), because we do not have the dorm space. However, we can admit more day students.”

The admissions office typically oversees 280 applications annually. For this school year they conducted 407 interviews, 100 of them alone in January. Elenor Mandigo thinks this shows a bright future for Northwood. “Things are looking good; there are other schools that have closed because they can’t get the students, but we must be getting something right,” Mandigo said.

Northwood School always broadens its horizons with new students, teachers, classes, and experiences. There is no doubt that this school year is one we are all anticipating being invigorating.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, Top Story

Huskies Train to be EMTs

September 17, 2024 by JT Wint

Left to right: Stephanie Gates, Colton Cushman ‘25, Alex Randall ‘25, JT Wint ‘25. Photo by Sasha Luhur ‘27

Northwood has four members taking part in an EMT class offered at North Country Community College. They include Alex Randall ‘25, Colton Cushman ‘25, JT Wint ‘25, and staff member Stephanie Gates, the Executive Assistant to the Head of School and Board of Trustees and HR Manager.

EMT stands for Emergency Medical Technician, a certification and training program for someone interested in the medical field. The basic certification requires about 180 hours of training with a mix of classroom and hands-on practical skills and time in the field to obtain 10 patient contacts. Someone who completes the course and passes the necessary exams for New York State and/or the national registry (NREMT) could get a job with any EMS agency, whether it be commercial, like American Medical Response (AMR), or private, like the Lake Placid Volunteer Ambulance Service, or to be a firefighter/EMT.

This year’s school theme is balance, and taking this course requires a lot of time and commitment during a busy school year. I asked my EMT classmates why they chose to take on this challenge and how they manage their schoolwork, co-curricular activities, and—in Mrs. Gates’s case—a full-time job.

“I was interested in doing the EMT course, because it is an opportunity to help people,” Randall said. “It is an opportunity to get knowledge in an area that I don’t have any other qualifications in. Through the National Registry, I can basically work anywhere, no matter where I go to college in the United States,” he added. On the question of balance, Alex also said, “It’s not that hard. I don’t find it that hard yet, just because school hasn’t really picked up. I view it as another class and so when I have free time to work on homework, that is one of the homework assignments I work on.”

“I’ve wanted to do it for a long time, and I’ve always put it off because I’ve been so busy with different things, but the last two years, I’ve been taking care of an ill uncle who’s had to have some amputations done, and he’s got major heart issues,” Gates said. “That has made me want to learn more, and I decided there’s no better time than right now.” Her comment about being both a staff member at Northwood and taking this life-changing class was, “I just have to make the time for myself if there’s something that’s important to me. It’s not easy. I think I’ve found that I have to make time for this because it’s so important to me, but yet my job is very important to me as well.”

They will be very busy with this significant commitment through the end of January 2025, and we wish them good luck.

Filed Under: Northwood Life, People, Top Story

NFL: Week 1 Recap

September 14, 2024 by Gus Garvey

You may have noticed I didn’t do a season preview this year. Don’t worry; the recaps are back with a fury, and we have another exhilarating year of NFL ball ahead of us. Let’s go over the opening week’s festivities.

Ravens 20, Chiefs 27

In keeping with past tradition, the first game was full of sloppy play and teams still settling into their respective games. In the case of the Chiefs, however, they didn’t skip a beat on offense. Despite a stout ravens D, the Chiefs were always one step ahead due to their rookie Xavier Worthy showing the rest of the league why it was a mistake to let KC draft him. However, Baltimore wasn’t a pushover, either. Despite committing about 56 penalties, they set themselves up for a game-tying final drive. They are down to the 10-yard line for the final play and even score a touchdown to Isaiah Likely. Nope, wait, scratch that. His toe was on the line as Likely decided to imitate Kevin Durant against the Bucks. Game over, Chiefs win. Maybe Lamar could’ve hit his open receivers earlier in the series instead of having to go for broke on the game’s final play.

Packers 29, Eagles 34

The NFL has come to Brazil. Featuring two green teams. In a neighborhood where green is a rival gang color. On a field that would put Super Bowl 57 to shame. Yup, this sounds like yet another excellent job by the Shield. The game itself mirrored such conditions. The game started out slow and sloppy but then developed into a total slugfest where neither team could stop the run or throw the ball down the field. The Eagles were starting to pull ahead in the 4th with a 5-point lead, but Green Bay had the ball back with a chance at a miracle hail Mary. And then Jordan Love gets injured. Malik Willis gets thrown to the wolves on the final play of the game and predictable events play out. Eagles win. Packers, good game, but I would be more concerned about the injuries. Jordan Love will be out for 4-6 weeks. Enjoy Malik Willis. Maybe you can revive him and increase his trade value come the deadline.

Panthers 10, Saints 47

Welcome to the Superdome, where Derek Carr’s remains will be ground up and used for a voodoo ritual on Bourbon Street. Panthers, allow me to give you a tour of the butchering line. First up is our esteemed hall of illusions, where the preseason optimism consumes you whole and you are lulled into a false sense of security. Next, welcome to our specialty dissection table, where Carr picks apart your awful defense for a career day. 47 points worth of it. Finally, great fears will be presented to you in our mirror of reality. That being, Bryce Young is stunted in development, and Carolina is ruining him. What, kill you? We just started having fun! Just wait till we break out the game tape from last year! Panthers, it’s going to be a long year. I would recommend Seppuku.

Vikings 28, Giants 6

Who knew that reviving Sam Darnold’s career was returning him to where it all fell apart? Although, to be fair, the Giants defense has developed a habit of making opposing quarterbacks look good. Darnold was just that today, skying the ball for over 200 yards and building his case for a starting job in this league in J.J. McCarthy’s absence. You would think the G-men would respond to this, but then you realize they have the 160 million-dollar man Danny Derps throwing the football. He was exposed in kind as Giants fans left their home opener in droves during the 3rd quarter. I understand. I wouldn’t want to be in New Jersey, either. Time to sharpen that guillotine. Daboll and Schoen, prepare to face the tribunal.

Patriots 16, Bengals 10

Leave it to the Bungles to take a gift situation and completely fumble the bag. Cleveland and Baltimore lost, allowing them to gain precious ground in the division race. They failed. Miserably. The game was a microcosm of such a situation. Blown opportunity after blown opportunity, the headliner of which was the tight end running for an easy touchdown and then Bungling the ball at the 1-yard line for a turnover. The defense was similarly stagnant. Backup Brisket wasn’t even that impressive; he just handed it to Rhamondre Stevenson every play and he would run away for a 20-yard gain. Just awful, awful stuff to give the Pats life in their season. The fortunate thing for the Bungles is that this kind of slow start happens to them every year. In a vacuum I wouldn’t be worried, but with that pathetic display? That’s concerning.

Steelers 18, Falcons 10

Is Arthur Smith still coaching the Falcons? Because there’s no other explanation for how they underutilized their vast array of talent on offense yet again. Or maybe it’s just the Atlanta curse hitting them just like every other year. Perc Thuggins went off today in his Falcons debut. 150 yards for a touchdown and 2 picks. His best career talent has been his ability to fool teams into giving him the big bucks. Now we see why Atlanta drafted Penix so high. They know. Never mind all this, however, as the Steelers are somehow in sole possession of the AFC North on the back of the defense and Chris Boswell. What a time.

Texans 29, Colts 27

The last time these two met, it was with the AFC South title on the line in an excellent game. Today, both teams picked up right where they left off. A defensive struggle in the first half morphed into a shootout in the second, with CJ Stroud and Anthony Richardson skying the ball to receivers all game. However, much like last time, the Texans managed to pull away in the end, getting a stranglehold on both the clock and the game to escape with a win. Colts fans, don’t feel bad, though. At least you have Notre D-… oh wait. Hoosiers, look away.

Cardinals 28, Bills 34

I’m chalking this one up to game 1 rust. It looked scary for Buffalo in the 1st half with a 17-3 deficit at one point, but Josh Allen and the defense eventually woke up in the 2nd half to storm back and win the game… despite Arizona, of all teams, keeping it way too close for comfort. All I’m going to say right now is that Josh’s hand better not be an issue and they can’t play like they did this week in order to beat Miami on Thursday. For more detail on this playing down to competition, we go to a special correspondent on Northwood’s hockey team: Jacob Brunton.

“I missed my Sunday heart attacks. Josh Allen is my hero. He will save Buffalo.” -Jacob Brunton ‘25

Titans 17, Bears 24

With all the hype surrounding Da Bears this offseason, it was no surprise that they once again flopped right out of the gates. A 17-3 deficit at halftime was just what the doctor ordered to humble these guys. However, this is where the Bears’ defense woke up. They made Will Levis’s life a living hell, with Levis literally falling to his knees on a pick 6. Caleb Williams did next to nothing, but he will still get credit for a win that shouldn’t have even been close. Next week, you get the Texans. Have fun.

Jaguars 17, Dolphins 20

Tyreek Hill was briefly arrested outside the stadium before the game, which was captured in a video that went viral. Seemingly showing solidarity with him, the entire Dolphins team decided to arrest themselves and proceeded to do nothing the entire 1st half. 17-3 at halftime… then the Dolphins broke free, stormed back into the game, and won on a kick from Jason Sanders. Jags, good game, but collapsing like that in the 2nd half needs to be examined. Miami, though, looks like they haven’t ironed everything out yet. We’ll see on Thursday.

Broncos 20, Seahawks 26

Things looked dicey for the Seahawks in the early going. It was a defensive struggle in the first half and midway through the 3rd, Denver actually had a lead. It would not last. Seattle finally woke up on offense late in the game and started putting up points, despite Bo Nix’s attempted comeback. The Seahawks hold off the doubters for now, but will it last? Next week, they get the Patriots. They should be good training wheels for this offense to gain consistency.

Raiders 10, Chargers 22

Jim Harbaugh’s first game back in the NFL. I would argue that he shows no rust: he continues to make the Raiders his property. Ironically, this game played out a lot like most of Michigan’s over the past few years: The offense sputtered for 3 quarters and the Chargers stayed in the game due to sheer defensive will. Midway through the 3rd quarter, LA only had 4 first downs, but their defense did just enough to keep them in it in time for the offense to pull away in the 4th due to high-end talent. The raiders are weird to me. Their defense is pretty good, but if their offense keeps doing… well, that, it’ll be a long year for the Silver and Black. Can’t say it won’t be entertaining, though.

Cowboys 33, Browns 17

Remember how much laughter was had throughout the Prescott contract situation? Well, Jerry decided to end that saga before the game by drowning Dak in gold bars. Prescott is a Cowboy for 4 years to the tune of $60 million per year. That’s lavish. Dak seemingly decided to celebrate by flashing his tremendous upside outside of January. That allegedly strong Browns defense, apart from the game’s first series, got picked apart. Enough about Dallas, though. It’s time for the main event: The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge!

Watson’s saga with his 66 allegations is well known at this point. It is my belief that every team should perform vigilante justice by whacking him at least once a game in the form of a roughing the passer penalty. Today, Dirtbag took a beating in a dominant effort by the Cowboys defense. In the season opener, Dirtbag threw 2 picks, was sacked 6 times and laid out another 11 times for a total of 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. This doesn’t even consider the 4th downs where he missed open receivers. We will continue to track Dirtbag’s vigilante justice tally throughout the season as he gets what he deserves behind that awful offensive line and makes his case for the worst contract in the league. No one feels bad for him. Next week, they face the Jags. Have fun with their stout defense, Deshaun.

Commanders 20, Buccaneers 37

Today, we saw why Tampa Bay is still considered the favorite for the NFC South. Mayfield had a pretty good game today, and the defense did enough when it mattered as the Bucs cruised to victory in their home opener. This comes with a massive asterisk that this was against the Commies and not a real team, but take what you can and run. Even if they are revealed as fraudulent, they should only need 8 to 9 wins to take their joke of a division. Commies, your youth is exciting, but this is probably your tank year. Surround Daniels with more elite talent through the draft.

Rams 20, Lions 26 (Final/OT)

We hold this truth to be self-evident: Whenever the Rams and Lions face each other, it will be a quality game of football where it’s unfortunate that one team has to lose. Both teams showcased their incredible talents in this game- the first half showcasing the defensive prowess, while the second half exhibited the offenses. Unfortunately, though, what killed the Rams once again was their red zone offense. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before. A critical drive to the 1-yard line early in the 3rd quarter was undone by a collection of penalties and Detroit’s defense. Yes, the Rams took the lead late, but the Lions were able to tie the game easily. And then they ran it down the throat of LA’s exhausted defense to win on the opening drive of overtime. Here’s an idea, LA. Block Aidan Hutchinson next time. Your total inability to stop him was what cost you this game.

Jets 19, 49ers 32

Even in a year where narratives seem to be turning onto their heads, there’s always one crutch we can rely on for a quick laugh: The Jets. Look at how their fans are celebrating finally having a quarterback. There was one problem. Their vaunted defense decided to perform magic and disappear on the field. Despite some hiccups in the early going, San Francisco had their way with them all game. As for the Jets offense, they have Aaron Rodgers. You would think this is a positive, until you realize that he is affected by a voodoo curse whenever he faces San Francisco. New Jersey was completely destroyed. Niner fans were getting up and leaving with 6 minutes left. It was that bad. Jets, this is what we call getting humbled. Have a nice helping of it before your cakewalk schedule over the next few weeks. Beat a real team and then we’ll talk.

Laughingstock of the Week

Don’t even think for a second that I forgot about this. This week’s Laughingstock is the one and only Dirtbag, not for his disastrous performance on Sunday but for immediately after it. Yet another woman has come forward, accusing Dirtbag of sexual misconduct and battery on a date. Make it 67 allegations for Dirtbag. If this goes forward, not only will Dirtbag be dragged into yet another legal mess (deservedly so), but the Browns could also void his contract with cause, provided sufficient evidence of misconduct comes to light. He could get what he deserves after all, which I would be happy about even though it would bring the Whack-a-Dirtbag challenge to a preeminent close. Please throw him out of the league, Goodell.

All of Gus Garvey’s NFL recaps can be found here.