This week leaves everything in the balance. A lot of spots are still up for grabs with the taste of playoff football being dangled to the fish below. Let’s get to it.

Saints 22, Rams 30

Don’t let the records fool you: One of these teams is not like the other. One of them has a competent quarterback, offensive game planning and a reliable defense. The other one relies on a broken Derek Carr, Dennis Allen’s jackknife offense, and a total sieve of a defense that couldn’t stop Puca Nacua. The Rams maintain a surprisingly strong playoff push, while New Orleans gets the potential deathblow to a disappointing year. Can’t say it isn’t deserved, though.

Bengals 11, Steelers 34

Oh, so now you show up, Pittsburgh. Now you show up? Not against two of the worst teams in the league, but here on this random Saturday against a supposed playoff contender? I’d be happy for them, but I’m more upset since it’s probably too little too late. Apparently, the key to unlocking the full potential of the Steeler offense is Mason Rudolph. Or maybe it’s that his only viable option is throwing it to George Pickens, which they haven’t been doing lately, leading to obvious results. As for Jake Browning, his veteran Linsanity run looks to be coming to a close. Now, they must fight for their playoff lives at Arrowhead next week against the Chiefs. It’s going to be tough for them. Then again, the Chiefs aren’t looking too great as of late. Cincy, please win. The laughter that would be had.

Bills 24, Chargers 22

It’s the story of the Bills season: against legitimate opponents, they perform to their full potential and blossom into their true form. Against doormats, however, they heinously play down to their competition and keep the game close for way too long. It’s not a Josh Allen issue, it’s not a play calling and scheming issue, it’s an everything issue. The Bills can’t piece together a full 60-minute effort against an easy opponent. They were given chance after chance to run away with the game, but either over-thought their hand or gifted the ball to the Chargers D as a self-serving token of charity. The only reason they even escaped with a win was due to LA forgetting how to cover their receivers and Easton Stick being, well, Easton Stick. Next week’s Patriots game at home honestly scares me more than the showdown at Miami two weeks from now. With how they’ve been playing against inferior competition? Yikes. As for the Chargers? Good effort, but they don’t give pity points in the standings for that. Get out.

Eliminated: Los Angeles Chargers

If the Chargers did what they should have done in January and fired Brandon Staley, this season might not have been another wasted one. Now they must ask some serious questions this offseason. An aging yet expensive defense combined with an offense full of question marks will make for an interesting challenge for the new front office. For the sake of all 13 Charger fans, I hope they’ll find a way to at least make the Bolts competitive again.

Commanders 28, Jets 30

Here we all were, thinking the Jets were dead, but look at them, rattling off 20 unanswered to start this game against a hapless opponent. Regardless of their record this year, they have one of the best defenses in the league. Surely this will be one of those rare convincing wins for the Buttfumble. That’s where you’re wrong. The Jets did their trademark buttfumbling to allow Washington back into the game when they looked dead in the water. Sam Howell throwing dimes and redeeming himself for his awful start to the game. Panic sets in at MetLife as the Commies take the lead. But here is where the Jets offense bothers to close out a game that should have been over long before that point. Greg Zuerlein boots it through as the Jets survive to get another meaningless win. You’re making The Hack look like a competent offensive game planner, Jets, snap out of it. His pink-slipping this offseason will be the most important offseason move you make. Do the right thing.

Lions 30, Vikings 24

30 years. That’s how long it’s been since the Lions have won a division title. The NFC North didn’t even exist that long ago. It’s all right in front of them. All they have to do is beat Nick Mullens and they can have it. The Lions storm out of the gates and race for the prize. The Vikings and Nick Mullens could do nothing as the Lions D stuffed them. However, like all that are just short of reaching their goal, the Lions couldn’t finish. Here, take the points, they said, as the offense fell flat, and Aaron Glenn became Aaron Glenn again. The Vikings even took the lead. But then the Lions remember they were heavy favorites and bulldoze their D for a pair of touchdowns. Then capping it all off with an interception. Their reward? Their first home playoff game in a generation. The wait is over, Detroit. Welcome to January.

Playoff Bound: Detroit Lions

I feel nothing but happy for that entire city, for Dan Campbell, and for the Lions organization. The job Campbell, in particular, has done to change the culture of this organization is nothing short of remarkable, and now they have their defining moment. However, I must warn you. If you continue to be this inconsistent, you will be a rather quick out. Not saying they aren’t capable of going far, but…

Browns 36, Texans 22

Browns, congratulations! After years upon years of getting lorded over by him, you finally have your franchise quarterback under center: The elite Joe Flacco. And I don’t say this in the tongue-and-cheek fashion like in past years, since Joe Flacco has been playing like one of the best in the league as of late. It might be an issue with teams not having recent film on him, but this dude went from the couch to a playoff contender in weeks. Houston, under Case Keenum, couldn’t even hope to do anything against Flacco and his might. 36-7 by the time Houston mercilessly took Keenum out for Davis Mills. Cleveland is now one win closer to a playoff berth, and they’ll get a huge opportunity to do so as they face the Jets next week. You’re not going to screw this up… right?

Packers 33, Panthers 30

Green Bay, this is as easy of an opportunity as you’ll have to put yourselves back into playoff contention. The Panthers, even after last week’s win thanks to Arthur Smith’s implosion, are still terrible. The Packers exposed them as such in the first 3 quarters. 30-16 midway through the 4th quarter against a dead team. Should be over, right? Well, you’re forgetting a key component of any game the Packers play in. One of these teams has Joe Barry calling the defenses. The other does not. He is a man that takes a competent defensive game plan and fires it straight out of a cannon into Lake Michigan, causing a tsunami that consumes a small Wisconsin village. Wouldn’t you know it, the Panthers tie the game. Green Bay may have taken the lead with a field goal late, but Joe Barry is on the case once again. Look at how he gracefully allows Bryce Young to drive into field goal range… but they run out of time and can’t get the spike off. Game over, Packers win. Despite certain arguments.

Seahawks 20, Titans 17

I’m starting to develop a theory on why the Seahawks are so inconsistent. They have a deal with the local hospitals. If the Seahawks keep opponents in games they shouldn’t be competing in, the hospitals will profit off the increased number of heart attacks and in turn pay off the Seahawks organization. That’s the only way I can explain away how maddeningly inconsistent Seattle is from week to week. Even with Geno Smith back under center, against a bunch of glorified refuse in the Titans, they still found a way to keep the game way too close. The Titans even had a lead deep into the 4th quarter. Never mind, though, since Pete Carroll used more of his old man magic to guide Seattle down the field for the game-winning touchdown. Seattle defies the odds to stay alive for the playoffs. Well done.

Colts 10, Falcons 29

Seriously, Atlanta? Now you show up? Not against a bottom-feeder in Carolina but against a supposed contender? This wasn’t even their usual thing where they blundered around and then got lucky and won, this was one of the most complete games I’ve seen out of the Falcons in a very long time. What’s that, Arthur, you’re going to pull Desmond Ridder and actually start throwing to your skill players? Using Bijan Robinson? Wow! It’s almost like you should’ve been doing it for the entire year up until now! It might be too little, too late for Atlanta, but Indy gets a potential death blow to their wild card hopes. Next week is Jacksonville at home. A chance to secure the division with a win. Get it done, Colts.

Jaguars 12, Buccaneers 30

The Jags are attempting to speedrun blowing a division title like the Titans did last year. Next up? The current Tank Division champions in the Bucs. Tampa Bay dragged them onto a pier, beat them to a pulp, and then forced the Jags to walk the plank. They were dominant today. 27-0 before the Jags even considered scoring. Tampa now all but locks up the NFC South, as the Jags prepare to fight for their playoff lives at 8-7. Imagine saying that a month ago.

Cowboys 20, Dolphins 22

Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Fraud Bowl! Two teams that love beating up on easy opponents at home but can’t play on the road! What this game would come down to was circumstance. Miami, for their flaws, put together a competent game plan to put points on the board. Dallas, on the road again, had their timbers shivered by the “hostile” Miami crowd and did nothing. Even then, both teams would do their best to hand each other the game. Miami lucked into winning this one since the Dallas D can’t stop a beach ball and Jason Sanders boots the game-winning field goal. Miami gets set to go into Baltimore with a chance to define their season. If they win, the #1 seed is all but theirs. If they lose, however… Let’s just say the Josh Allen in the mirror is closer than it appears.

Cardinals 16, Bears 27

Two teams stuck deep in the mud but still fighting and clawing for wins. Arizona has long been eliminated, but the Bears are still mathematically alive and still have optimism that they can make it in. This means Chicago will revive to their form from two weeks ago and beat the brakes off their adversary. Despite allowing the Cards back into it late, Chicago was always one step ahead. I swear to God, though, if they choose this paper-soft winning streak as the excuse to keep the gang around, I’m going to be mad. And I’m not even a Bears fan. Don’t do it.

Patriots 26, Broncos 23

Who thought it would be a good idea to put both these teams in primetime again? They’re both terrible. One team is reeling after a surprising hot streak and has come back to earth, and the other is just trying to relive the glory years. To no one’s surprise, this game was absolutely terrible. The Patriots only won thanks to a special teams touchdown and Denver being unable to play defense on the final drive. Broncos, this loss all but takes you out of the playoff hunt. Chef Russ, it might be time to ride on outta here.

Raiders 20, Chiefs 14

Oh my god. Chiefs! What the hell was that? A golden opportunity to make up ground against your rivals and you completely blow it. The offense was godawful. The Raiders had defensive touchdowns on back-to-back snaps. You dominated them on paper. Hell, they didn’t even complete a pass after the first quarter! And you still find a way to blow it. Even better for everyone who isn’t a Chiefs fan? They haven’t clinched yet, either. There’s an outside chance they miss the playoffs. That would be very funny to see. Raiders, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for humbling this team, pick-six after pick-six. You deserve a hell of a lot more credit than you’ll get for this win.

Giants 25, Eagles 33

Much like their super bowl opponent, the Eagles are steadfast on screwing up every single thing that led to them at one point having a 10-1 record. Look at them now. They’re being exposed by the New York Giants. Not even by Tommy DeVito but by Tyrod Taylor. I don’t care that they won in the end, if it weren’t for the refs this game might have been very different. The good news for them is that they have a paper soft schedule to end the year, and they still control their own destiny for the playoffs. You’re not going to mess this up… right? Giants, don’t think I forgot about you. Go directly to the elimination room, do not pass go, do not collect your dignity.

Eliminated: New York Giants

They started the season with an offense that set records for ineptitude for the first half of the year, and a defense routinely fatigued thanks to having to put the team on their backs. Tommy DeVito may have been a good story, but you’ve got serious questions to ask on the offensive side of the ball. Saquon probably won’t stay. The albatross of Daniel Jones’s contract will prevent them from doing anything significant. Brian Daboll will probably lose his job in the next couple of years. They are screwed.

Ravens 33, 49ers 19

What do I call this game other than a complete exposure of every weakness and flaw of the 49ers? The solution to beating San Francisco is to zone in on the run and force Brock Purdy to do more than game-manage to win the game. He failed spectacularly, throwing 4 picks and being pulled with a stinger in the 3rd quarter. Their allegedly strong defense was picked apart by the arm and legs of Lamar Jackson, whom they had no answer for. In front of the Bay area Faithful, the Ravens open up a treasure chest. An AFC North title. Not going to lie, I’m impressed.

Chargers 21, Raiders 63

Folks, to put this game and the surrounding activities into perspective, it’s time for me to regale you in a personal tale. I’m in Japan for the holidays right now, and due to the time difference, all of the late games kick off around 10:15 in the morning. That was also right around when I had to hop on a subway to go meet someone, and I lost connection. I got off the train an hour later, fired up my scoreboard app, and saw the Raiders were winning 42-0. At halftime. I deleted the app and reinstalled it. Multiple times. Then I realized it was real and started laughing hysterically. Long story short, the Chargers got completely dominated in every way, shape, and form by an offense that hadn’t scored a point in a week and a half. The rest was history. Raiders, you may be nowhere near playoff contention in yet another disappointing year for you guys, but you’ll have this for eternity. Chargers, you and your six fans can kindly get out of my sight.

Wait, hold up, there’s one more thing I forgot to mention. Brandon Staley has deservedly been axed 11 months after he should have been. It’s completely deserved at this point. With his faux analytics, constantly going for it on 4th down and failing in his own territory, putting immense pressure on his defense to make stops they can’t make. Oh yeah… the defense. Staley was supposed to be some defensive mastermind, but these past few years have shown us that he was a fraud in that regard as well. Carried to relevance by Aaron Donald. And some other guys. Know what the proof is? The Chargers have had at least one marquee splash defensive acquisition every year and have found a way to waste every single one of them. That’s generational ineptitude. Don’t worry, Brandon, you’ll get another job soon, since this league is a joke and some desperate team will have no choice but to turn to you.

Vikings 24, Bengals 27

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that this game would be between two 7-6 teams, I would have believed you. Now, if you had told me it would feature two backup quarterbacks, I would have had your head examined. What this game came down to was experience under pressure. Jake Browning, for his flaws, played efficiently. Nick Mullens couldn’t effectively make a throw to save his life. Even with Minnesota’s defense imitating Atlas holding up the world, making stop after stop and keeping a commanding lead, Mullens committed some of the most boneheaded turnovers I’ve seen this year to keep Cincy in the game. You can’t give a guy like Jake Browning that kind of momentum, or else he’ll pounce on it. Cincinnati wins and keeps their playoff hopes alive at 8-6 against all odds. I’m not sold on their prospects there, but with that defense and their structure surrounding Browning, they’ll at least be competitive.

Steelers 13, Colts 30

This game was a tale of two teams: The happy-go lucky failure that is having their ridiculous luck catch up to them, and the young, hungry team that’s freeing itself from the mud and is finally stringing together some convincing performances. Absolutely no surprises here, despite an early Pittsburgh lead due to said mud. As for the Steelers, it’s panic time. Mason Rudolph has been named the starter for next week. Mason Rudolph. Yep, your season’s over.

Broncos 17, Lions 42

This is a game where Denver falls back to earth and is exposed for their flaws. Unfortunately for Russ and the offense, we got the week 3 version of the Broncos’ defense today. You know, the week when they gave up 70 points? Detroit had their way with them all game long, it wasn’t even close. They needed to make a statement after several subpar performances, and by God, they did it here. Well done, Lions. Win next week and you’ll win your first division title in 30 years. Get it done, Detroit.

Giants 6, Saints 24

It’s time for the Italian portion of the Bronx to fall back down to earth. Tommy DeVito, for as good a feel good story as he is, is not a full-time starter. This game proved it. The Saints zeroed in on the run and forced Tommy Cutlets to beat them with his arm. He couldn’t. Despite a Tyrod Taylor sighting, the game was never within reach. As for the defense? Torched by Derek Carr for 3 touchdowns. I don’t even need to say anything else, that’s damning on its own. Giants fans, you can kindly exit from your one month of relevance to go back to doing mock drafts again. It’s what you’re good at, what else do I know?

Bears 17, Browns 20

It’s do or die time for Chicago. With their recent wins and an outside shot at the playoffs, they need to scrape together wins by any means necessary. Going into Cleveland will be tough, but the hope is that Chicago would at least keep it competitive. Fortunately for the Bears, this is where we realize that Joe Flacco is, indeed, Joe Flacco. His checkdown goodness spots Chicago to an early 10-point lead. However, Cleveland’s defense clamps down and prevents them from adding to it. Deep into the 4th quarter, the Bears are still up by 7, but this is when Flacco wakes up from his slumber and torches their D for a touchdown and a go-ahead field goal from Dustin Hopkins. In one of the more Bearsy games of the year, Cleveland came back for 13 unanswered when they looked dead in the water. Well done, Bears, as this game is probably the difference between them fluking their way into the playoffs and making significant changes in the offseason. Cleveland now becomes the worst 9-5 team in NFL history. Be lucky you don’t have to face real teams any time soon.

Falcons 7, Panthers 9

I’m not going to go through the whole song and dance with Atlanta, where I point and laugh at their repeated failure. If I’m a Falcons fan, I want heads on spikes outside Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Such epic failure. And this wasn’t even to a quality team either, try the Carolina Panthers. A broken team with a terrible owner, no first round pick, one win on the year, an empty stadium, and tickets on resale for less than a dollar in the pouring rain. Arthur Smith, I would start packing your bags right around now. If the Falcons don’t fail upwards into a playoff spot, you’re done.

Buccaneers 34, Packers 20

Two quarterbacks that we dismissed as mediocre at the start of the year playing meaningful football in December. Jordan Love and Baker Mayfield squaring off in a battle for their playoff lives. What this game would come down to was which defense managed to patch up the dam break first. Todd Bowles, for his flaws, managed to put together a well-schemed performance. Joe Barry just sat around aimlessly chewing bubble gum. Packers, you can all but kiss your January hopes goodbye.

Jets 0, Dolphins 30

Miami needed to bounce back after last week’s choke, and they did so in style against a group all but playing dress up as a football team at this point. Zach Wilson couldn’t do much against the Miami defense before getting injured, and his replacement in Trevor Siemian looked like he had gotten loaded downtown the night before and was still hung over. Miami, this proves nothing. Beat a real team and then talk. Jets, I almost forgot about you. This loss earns you a dubious reward. No playoffs.

Eliminated: New York Jets

Their relevant season was over 4 plays into their first offensive drive. The rest was just the usual ineptitude and chucking their fans off a cliff. This was one of the Jetsiest seasons in recent history, and that’s saying something. Significant changes must be made in the offseason to mold the team to Aaron Rodgers’ preference. Start with the O-line and The Hack.

Chiefs 27, Patriots 17

Chiefs fans, you can ignore Mahomes looking off, or your receivers not being able to catch, or your incredibly suspect defense being the only reason why you win games anymore. Taylor Swift is in attendance today! This means the refs are automatically programmed to throw flags at any Patriots player that moves. The amount of help the Chiefs were getting from the zebras today is almost impossible to understand, yet they still kept New England in the game for far too long. The fortunate thing for them is that they have an incredibly easy schedule to end the year, which means they should be in for January football barring extreme circumstances. Don’t even think about it, Chiefs.

Texans 19, Titans 16 (OT)

Houston marching out onto the field against the organization that stole their team and also appropriated their old uniforms for use in this game. The entire Houston fan base went into this game wanting blood. Unfortunately, they must wait, as their litany of injuries now includes CJ Stroud, out with a concussion. This means that the clipboard legend Case Keenum is back under center. Tennessee will roll out to a 16-3 lead at half and just coast to victory. Or will they? Longtime followers of the league will know that Keenum has a special gear he rarely reaches: his Minnesota form. Houston, you are now seeing why this man is considered a quality backup. Keenum marches them down the field over and over to eventually tie the game, and then winning it in overtime off a long field goal by Ka’imi Fairbairn. Titans, I now present your reward for this epic choke. Playoff elimination!

Eliminated: Tennessee Titans

At least your team didn’t imitate Fukushima like they did last year. To do so, you would have had to have had some semblance of optimism. Will Levis showed flashes of his potential, but he’s still rawer than the whole bananas he allegedly eats on the reg. Sadly, I don’t have much confidence in Vrabel and his staff to develop him the right way. Maybe next year, guys.

49ers 45, Cardinals 29

San Francisco is humming right now, but this is a classic trap game for them. Right before their Christmas showdown with Baltimore next week, they must travel to their home away from home in Glendale to face the Cardinals. They’ll warm ‘em up a little, let them score a couple touchdowns to establish trust, take them into an alleyway, and beat the daylights out of them. You would be alarmed at how porous they were, but c’mon, they’re facing the Cardinals, the D just needed to maintain a pulse and they’d be fine. Onward to your next quest, 49ers.

Commanders 20, Rams 28

The Commanders now are what everyone thought the Cardinals would be after week 3. Competitive, spirited, but lacking in many areas, preventing them from achieving their full potential. Case in point, their scrum against the Rams. Sure, they could keep it close with a spirited comeback, but at the end of the day, a combination of their opponent’s talent and Ron Rivera’s audition for a Darwin award did them in. The Rams are still in a playoff spot, and Stafford looks as sharp as ever. If it weren’t for Kroenke, I’d root for these guys. As for Washington, I would stop caring like your defense throughout the season, but I am morally obligated to pay attention to you today. There’s an elimination to deal with.

Eliminated: Washington Commanders

If Ron Rivera isn’t fired straight into orbit this offseason, it will be a dismal failure no matter who the new ownership group chooses to throw money at. The fact that Rivera still has a job to begin with isn’t a great look for Josh Harris and the new ownership group. You can take the Commies away from Dan Snyder, but you can’t take his damn good culture out of the Commies. What a wasted year. Just make Bieniemy the head coach and watch as you blossom into a good team next year.

Cowboys 10, Bills 31

So, Dem Boys ain’t good on the road, eh? Their defense sucks and can’t stop the run? Buffalo called an audible from the pre-Josh Allen days for this game. Run the ball on every down and bully their opponent at the line of scrimmage. It worked like a charm. Albeit, a blunt one. Ty Johnson’s bruising force, Latavius Murray’s veteran vision and instinct, and cap it all off with James Cook’s explosive speed and you get a 3-headed rushing attack that Dallas had no answers for. As for the defense? Dominant. The score technically doesn’t do it justice, as the Cowboys’ touchdown was in garbage time. Dak was running for his life all game, and on the plays where he wasn’t in mortal peril, the receivers were either covered or would develop hands of stone. Welcome back to the funny pages, Dallas! Hope that one week of relevance was worth it, boys! Cowboys, I know this loss is embarrassing, but at least you made the playoffs?

Playoff Bound: Dallas Cowboys

They will need to get their act together and win their division if they want a chance at doing anything in January. They cannot play on the road. Their offense, in particular, skews very fraudulent when outside the confines of a dome.

Ravens 23, Jaguars 7

All I need to say to Jags fans is this: This is the kind of smooth-brained idiocy that got Doug Pederson fired in Philadelphia. Horrible offensive scheming all around. Trevor Lawrence regressing and playing with a visible limp. God Awful clock management at Baltimore’s goal line at the end of the first half, and whatever that second half offense was. It’s less Baltimore’s skill than it is Jacksonville tripping over themselves every time they have a chance to. Even worse for them? The division they thought they locked up is now tied in a 3-way battle for the right to get smoked by Cleveland or Buffalo in the wild card round.

Eagles 17, Seahawks 20

Behold! The first game ever to be flexed into Monday Night Football. The bad news for us viewers is that Jalen Hurts is dealing with the flu, so Eagles fans can shout from the rooftops that everyone was about to see Hurt’s version of the Jordan flu game. Or at least we would, if Seattle’s defense didn’t mug them in a back alley. Philadelphia got dominated in every way, shape, and/or form by a Seattle defense reeling after 4 straight losses. They got one push tush touchdown in the first half and then everything fell apart. Even the defense is getting picked apart by the Seahawks’ stagnant offense. And this isn’t even with Geno Smith under center. Try Drew Lock. John Elway’s pride and joy let a masterful final drive, picking apart that Eagles secondary and turning James Bradberry into shoe leather. Eagles, I know this loss is devastating, but thanks to Dallas’s loss earlier in the week, you guys have now punched a ticket to January football.

Playoff Bound: Philadelphia Eagles

We know what this team’s potential is. We saw it last year. However, I just can’t shake the fraud narrative that they’ve been developing throughout the year. 3 straight losses with two of them by 3 scores or more will cause panic in any fanbase.

Patriots 21, Steelers 18

Remember a few weeks ago when we all thought Matt Canada getting axed would turn the Steelers into the next rendition of the greatest show on turf? After these past couple games, we’ve come to a cold reality: Pittsburgh’s problems run far deeper than their offensive coordinator. While his middle school offense didn’t help, it was far from the only issue. It showed once again against the Patriots. The offense didn’t get going at all, and the defense decided to lie over and die against a unit that got shut out by one of the worst defenses in football 3 days prior. Pittsburgh has now lost to the two worst teams in the league in the span of less than a week. You want an interesting stat? The Steelers are the first team in NFL history to lose consecutive games to teams 8 games under .500 or worse. Pittsburgh has been so bad they’ve made history. The fact that this team is still in playoff contention makes me physically ill. They fired one coach this year, they can fire Tomlin, too. Don’t worry, New England, you may have won this game, but you also win an inevitable outcome.

Eliminated: New England Patriots

A season turned into an unmitigated disaster due to a combination of injuries and ineptitude. Fitting for the end of the evil empire. Belichick might be gone, along with most of his assistants, but they’ll have most likely a top-5 pick. Now watch Belichick win out to save his job and screw up their tank.

Texans 6, Jets 30

I knew this game was going to end as a blowout. What I didn’t predict was who would be doing it. Houston, meet the Jets’ defense. They will stuff you like a turkey for most of the game before dragging you into a Newark alleyway and robbing you of your dignity. Zach Wilson started out slow, but the offense got going in the second half as he put his hatred for Tim Boyle into overdrive to put together an impressive performance. Jets, where the hell has this been? This isn’t even an issue with Boyle playing, they look like a completely different team! Too little, too late but at least Rodgers can get some reps later in the year if they keep winning.

Rams 31, Ravens 37

The Rams have won 3 straight against a wide range of opponents, but here, they face their true test: facing off against Baltimore on the road. Throughout the game, the Rams would hold tough, forcing the Ravens into some really embarrassing mistakes. I’d say this is more due to Baltimore playing down to competition again, but LA has found a way to revive themselves at this point in the season. They’re good, and this game proved it. However, one glaring flaw of their game re-emerged at the worst possible moment: special teams. Their kicker issues are well-known, but they also have issues with punt coverage and tackling. It happened again. Wouldn’t you know it, it happened in overtime, and they allowed Tylan Wallace to run a punt back for a touchdown to win the game, as the Ravens beat their chests deep into the night. 10-3 is a solid record, despite shaky performances in weeks past. Rams, this is your loss to feel proud of. You keep playing like that, you’re making the playoffs.

Panthers 6, Saints 28

Another glorious match in the NFC South means a special prize. TANK BOWL!

The saints may be reeling, but they are facing the closest thing to a free win on anyone’s schedule right now: Carolina. Their quest for a majestic tank would continue today as the Saints absolutely dominated them, despite Derek Carr looking less than optimal. Just take this free win and move into joint first for the NFC south.

Colts 14, Bengals 34

Indianapolis may have a mustachioed savant under center in Gardner Minshew, but he is no match for the great hero of Cincinnati: Jake Browning. Calm and collected behind a much-improved offensive line, Browning put together another outstanding performance to keep Cincinnati’s playoff hopes alive. The Bengals were one step ahead of Indy for most of this game, and there were countless deep balls from Browning to prove it. Not gonna lie, I’m impressed. I’m not sold on their prospects once they get there, but Cincinnati could make it to January with how they’re playing.

Buccaneers 29, Falcons 25

It’s an NFC South matchup. You already know this is a tank bowl.

Arthur Smith’s choking and jackknife offense against Todd Bowles. This game was the definition of ugly football. Tampa was able to suck just less than the Falcons as they were able to escape with a win in the end. And an NFC South division lead. They could win this division at 8-9 or 7-10, it’s that bad.

Jaguars 27, Browns 31

The Jags didn’t look that great last week against a weakened Bengals team, and that continued today against their in-state rival in the Browns. Cleveland’s offense was even welcoming back someone that had tormented them for years as quarterback: Joe Flacco. And here we all were thinking he was out of the league. Flacco did great today, skying the ball all game long, but the main MVP of this game was the Browns defense. They were suffocating. Cleveland has hope for the first time in an age. They’re 8-5 while starting 4 different quarterbacks. Ethics aside, that’s impressive. I’d root for them to make the playoffs, but I physically can’t as long as they employ Dirtbag. Jacksonville is now in freefall, and they get no favors as they play Baltimore next week. How long until Doug Pederson gets turned into feed at the St. Augustine alligator farm, again?

Lions 13, Bears 28

Over the past few weeks, we have been exposed to the glaring flaws of the Lions organization. Like many of the past few years, those flaws involve most of the team defense. Aaron Glenn, how do we say, isn’t that great at the whole “defensive coordinator” thing. His “coordinating” allowed Chicago to not only win, but walk all over them. The Bears were reeling, they’ve had a trainwreck of a year. Yet the Lions allowed a group that hadn’t scored a touchdown in over 2 weeks to waltz all over them. Combine this with an offense that forgot how to play, and it’s death for Detroit. Don’t you dare do your usual thing of blowing the division late in the year, you’ve done that too many times over the last 15 years for the fans to tolerate it. I know you want to, but just don’t. This is your first true test, Campbell. Get it done.

Seahawks 16, 49ers 28

Seattle, you did better than you did last time they played, I’ll give them that. The rest of the game was just a straight-up slaughter. The Niner defense dominated all day, and Brock Purdy and the offense woke up just in time to put the game away, despite Seattle keeping it close in the first half. San Francisco with this win finds themselves in the driver’s seat for the #1 seed in the NFC. Remember in late October when we all thought Seattle could take the mantle? How wrong we were.

Vikings 3, Raiders 0

You know it’s a bad game when both these cities’ respective hockey teams outscored this game easily. The MVPs of this game were the punters, both giving their legs a heavy workout. Minnesota managed to take the lead with a field goal late, only for Aiden O’Connell to throw an interception on the next play to hand them the game, robbing us of a 0-0 tie. We couldn’t even get a good outcome for the memes from this game, everybody loses. Except for Minnesota, they get another week of false hope.

Broncos 24, Chargers 7

Yet another game the Chargers play in LA filled to the brim with Broncos fans. These days, such a sight comes with a helping of a soundly humiliating defeat. Denver completely dominated in all 3 phases, further proving why Brandon Staley should be on the unemployment line come January, and the Broncos continue to make their case for a playoff spot. Denver is interesting to me. They have a good defense, but their offense skews very fraudulently. Might want to get it fixed before they face real teams in January.

Bills 20, Chiefs 17

Buffalo and Kansas City locking horns at Arrowhead for the 4th time in 3 years. You know it’s going to be a good game. Despite the Bills jumping out to an early lead, Kansas City never felt out of it. A couple good drives and a Josh Allen weekly interception helped them to tie the game. Much like last time, the defenses were the driving forces in this game. Buffalo managed to take the lead in the 4th quarter with a long field goal drive, but we all know Mahomes is the GOAT in the clutch. Look at the hook-and-ladder play they pull off for a go-ahead touchdown, it’s inspiring to see. Unfortunately, there’s a catch. The play was called back, thanks to a certain somebody on the Chiefs lining up offsides. If you didn’t watch the game, I’ll give you a minute to guess as to who it was, because he’s been the whipping boy for Chiefs fans all year. I’ll reveal the answer during the Laughingstock segment, because it’s him this week. Kansas City proceeds to sputter and fails to convert a 4th and 15, as Buffalo does just enough on defense to escape with a win. Complain about it all you want, Chiefs fans, but once again, the refs made the correct call. As I said last week, it’s not some grand conspiracy when the refs call the game impartially instead of bending to your every whim and fancy every week. Perhaps Mahomes needs to learn this lesson, too, as he spent most of the final minutes and the entire press conference pouting about how much of a victim the Chiefs are of the officials. Calm down, buddy. Just because you venmo’d the ref working the Jets game instead of this one by mistake doesn’t mean you have to unleash your frustration on us.

Eagles 13, Cowboys 33

No matter how good or bad either team is, the Dallas-Fort Worth area is kryptonite to Philadelphia. The Eagles haven’t won there since 2017, and Dak Prescott, in particular, has been dynamite in those games. It happened again in primetime. Philadelphia, for the second week in a row, was exposed for its flaws on national television and left in a corner to bleed out to death. The offense was flat. The defense was Swiss cheese. Nick Sirianni kept making stupid decisions instead of taking the points. The entire game was a disaster for Philadelphia. Even worse, they’ve unleashed the Pandora’s box of Cowboys fans on us once again, who now lead the NFC east via tiebreaker. Philadelphia is a #5 seed. That’s honestly an astounding revelation.

Packers 22, Giants 24

I don’t want to hear a word about how the Packers played down to competition, or how the Giants defense won them this game. The legend of Tommy DeVito cannot be explained away by mere mortal circumstances. In his primetime debut, DeVito was absolutely balling. Throwing strikes to his receivers, managing a good game under center, and spreading the ball out all night long. The crazy part is that with this win, there’s actually a way for the G-men to be in a playoff position by the end of next week. It requires them to get a lot of help, but if there’s a will, there’s a way. Or so they say. It’s also ironic how the Packers’ loss also cements a playoff berth for the team that has bested them there for years. Niner gang, welcome to January.

Playoff Bound: San Francisco 49ers

This team is loaded. If they keep playing the way they are, they’re a lock for the Super Bowl, especially with the NFC east cannibalizing themselves to clear their path to the #1 seed. Should be interesting to say the least.

Titans 28, Dolphins 27

Miami, in the past few weeks, has been embracing the all too familiar symptom of a fraudulent team in a contending position: playing down to their competition. Tennessee may be young and hungry, but Miami should have won this game in blowout fashion. Deep into the 4th quarter, though, it looked like the Dolphins would be bailed out of their own incompetence. A muffed punt and a fumble by the Titans, both inside their own red zone, gave Miami a commanding 27-13 lead with 3 minutes left. Surely, this will be another unconvincing win for the Dolphins to take them to 10-3. That’s where we were all wrong. The Titans offense under the power of Will Levis and D-Hop woke up from its slumber and drove down the field for a quick touchdown. Using all 3 timeouts, they managed to stop Miami, get the ball back, and drive it down for another touchdown, carving up the Dolphins’ allegedly strong D like a John Madden turducken. With the extra point kicked, the Titans led by 1. And then the Dolphins’ injured line comes back to haunt them. Tua gets sacked on 4th down, and the Titans come away with a win in a stunned Miami. Dolphins, you’re in the deep end now. The grace period’s over, boys. Your next few games are against contenders. Please choke, just for the memes. I’d love to see it.

Laughingstock of the Week

I think we all know who the laughingstock should be this week. If you couldn’t guess from the description during the Chiefs-Bills segment, it’s Kadarius Toney. Just like almost every other Chiefs loss this year. He was the greatest asset to Buffalo today. Thanks be to him for lining up almost a yard offside to negate the play of the year.