Jaguars 19, Jets 3
At this point in the season, we all realize that the Jets had been punching above their weight all year. They look horrible. That defense is good, but when the offense packs all the punch of a feather, it spells doom for New Jersey. Combine this with the rain and facing a Jags team that’s won 3 of its last 4, and the Jets are dead on arrival. The Jags’ offense was terrible, too, but I wouldn’t be concerned. That defense has given far better quarterbacks fits this year. Zach Wilson can get his O-line all the scooters he wants, but they won’t get any better. The Jets need Mike White back, and they need him back now.
Falcons 9, Ravens 17
The Ravens’ cakewalk midseason schedule continues in earnest as their team gets injured and injured some more. This week? Atlanta. In Desmond Ridder’s second career start, he looked just as raw and undeveloped as last week. Sure, he showed some flashes, but Atlanta’s offense had all the life of a tumbleweed for most of the game. Speaking of tumbleweeds, Greg Roman’s jackknife offense was trodden out onto the field again. Seventeen points against one of the worst defenses in the league. Truly elite stuff. Even the Broncos would frown at that kind of ineptitude. Take this undeserved playoff berth and get out of my sight.
Playoff Bound: Baltimore Ravens
This team screams one-and-done. Harbaugh and Roman are on such thin ice that cracks are already beginning to show. Enjoy getting obliterated on the road to a team like KC or Jacksonville.
On the other side of the pendulum, Atlanta gets more predictable misery. They are once again out of the playoffs.
Eliminated: Atlanta Falcons
This season was so Falcons I could honestly copy-paste anything said about them over the past few years and it would be very close to accurate. A brief blip of hope at 4-4, only to sputter and collapse into the pits of despair yet again. Arthur Smith deserved so much better than this. What a shame.
Lions 23, Panthers 37
This is the part of the season where Detroit has a wave of hope smacked out of them by a vastly inferior opponent. Winning 6 of 7 sounds good. Nope, a Panthers team is ready to smoke your remains and serve them buffet-style at the community table. Remember that Lions D from earlier in the season that imitated a sieve on the field? We had a throwback performance today. Carolina’s run game had free real estate all game long. Over 300 yards on the ground for a dominating performance. Sam Darnold was incredibly efficient as well. Unfortunately for Detroit, their strong run of form will likely be all for not as they get thrust back into the meat-grinder of the 7th seed for the playoffs.
Seahawks 10, Chiefs 24
It seems the Seahawks have regressed to the mean as well. A 6-3 start followed by losing 5 of 6, exposing the many flaws of both their team and structure. Pete Carroll can only reincarnate Geno Smith’s career for so long. Sooner or later, the piper will come to collect his dues. Against weaker opponents, Seattle can dance through the raindrops, but against the Chiefs, there was no chance. Oddly enough, the defense won the day for Kansas City. It might have something to do with the conditions, but for a day, the defense looked as dominant as it was in the Alex Smith era. That’s impressive.
Saints 17, Browns 10
In the tundra of the Dawg Pound, a special event is taking place. TANK BOWL!
Yes, I know these teams traded their first-round picks this year, but I’m not choosing logic over memes. This game exemplified every ideal that Tank Bowl represents. Horrific offensive play coupled with stout defense and bad conditions. This is what Tank Bowl is all about. Fortunately for Cleveland, New Orleans realized that losing would only help Philadelphia and scored 17 whole points. It was enough to get the job done. Imagine Cleveland thinking they were a quarterback away from competing. Sounds hilarious. Now they won’t have their first-round picks for the next two years. No one feels bad for them. Maybe Deshaun can get a few massages in the elimination room.
Eliminated: Cleveland Browns
This is karma. Straight karma. The Browns traded their soul for a high-risk quarterback who promptly got suspended for half a season, and they won’t be able to get out of it. Unloading a dump truck of money onto Watson doesn’t help, either. The Browns are a colossal waste of oxygen. Sink the organization into lake Erie. Knowing Cleveland, they’d also find a way to screw that up.
Bengals 22, Patriots 18
Cincinnati is on a tear. After last week’s comeback against Tampa Bay, they went into New England and owned a team with many question marks for all of one half. After halftime, it felt like something was just… off. Perhaps it was Belichick trolling them with his shenanigans. More likely, it was probably the Pats’ defense adjusting. The offense did as well, putting up 18 unanswered points. It is here that the Pats realized that they suck and fumbled everything away on Cincy’s 10-yard line with a minute left and the game on the line. The Bengals win a nailbiter, and now they must gear up for arguably the biggest game of the year at home in primetime against the Bills. Does someone have a Joe Burrow voodoo doll for rent? Just asking for some friends. Oh, and I almost forgot: Cincy has made it back to the playoffs.
Playoff Bound: Cincinnati Bengals
It looked shaky after a 0-2 start and huge question marks. They answered them. Unfortunately, they still have the undead corpse of Baltimore to contend with in the AFC North. Their upside in the postseason is, well… last year. However, if every part isn’t clicking, their floor could be meteoric in terms of calamity and damage.
Giants 24, Vikings 27
This was hyped to be the best game of the one o’clock window, and it certainly didn’t disappoint. A Giants team was hanging tough with one of the best teams in the conference vying for home field in the playoffs. The G-men started to hit back as Minnesota surged to an early lead. Down the field they went, time and time again, finally tying the game with a minute left at 24. Unfortunately, this is where an old enemy of the Giants re-emerges; super-long field goals. Their kicker had even booted a 63-yard winner on them in a past life. It happened again on the road and to the Minnesota Vikings. This team runs kickers’ careers into the ground so fast you could call them a sander. Fortunately, the G-men can still clinch a playoff berth with a win next week. Even better, they’re playing the Colts. They’re not going to screw this up… are they?
Bills 35, Bears 13
I’ve been saying it for weeks, and this game proves it: the Chicago Bears are much better than their record suggests. They’ve been able to hang with legit contenders all season in games their opponent has overlooked. This game, much like the Bears’ record, was much closer than the final score indicates. Despite the Bills dominating the stat sheet, Chicago was always able to stay within a score or two for three quarters, thanks to the wind trolling Tyler Bass and some very untimely turnovers on the part of Josh Allen. Fortunately, the Bears’ offense is something out of a horror movie. They cannot move the ball in crucial situations. It doesn’t matter if Allen throws the ball directly to a defender in prime field position. The Bears will only get a field goal. Once the Bills woke up in the 4th quarter and started running up the score, it was all over. Buffalo clinches the AFC East with this win. However, they are aspiring for things much bigger than this. Next week is huge. I’ll leave it at that. I might be separating that game, regardless.
Texans 19, Titans 14
Tennessee, you lost to the Texans. It wasn’t even on some last-second play or fluke bounce; it was a blowout by tank standards. They were brutalized, gored, rammed, battered, banished to Hades, resurrected, banished to Hades again, and then chased around by Hellhounds. About five times over. Malik Willis could do nothing. They made legendary tank commander Davis Mills look competent. How on earth do you do that? Even worse, the once plump cushion they sat on in the AFC south has shrunk to something resembling a dollhouse pillow. Jacksonville is now winning the division via a tiebreaker. Tennessee is on the outside looking in for the first time this season. It serves them right for being all but a free win on teams’ schedules these days. It doesn’t get any easier, as they play Dallas next week. The team resembles their stadium; old, decrepit, and crumbling from the inside out. Enjoy watching Jacksonville play in January.
Commanders 20, 49ers 37
A game projected to be an outright slaughter turned out as such. Washington, this is why you had to take care of business last week against the Giants; this was going to happen. Taylor Heinicke can’t do much against average defenses to begin with. Now face him against the #1 unit in the country, and he gets wholly exposed. The Niners’ defense is skilled, smart, and runs like cheetahs. There was no mercy for Washington. San Fran keeps its hopes for the #2 seed due to this win, and they have the tiebreaker over Minnesota as things stand right now. Things could get interesting.
Eagles 34, Cowboys 40
This game said much more about the Eagles than it did about Dallas. Sure, the Cowboys may have hung 40 on Philly thanks to Gardner Minshew’s propensity for turnovers, but with their backup quarterback, Philly was able to maintain the lead for a good portion of this game. Dallas may have won, but Philly should be proud of themselves. They can lock up the #1 seed with a win against the Saints next week, giving Jalen Hurts a critical bye week to get healthy for the playoffs. I’m intrigued. Cowboys fans will be forever insufferable due to this win. They have now won five straight at home against Philly.
Raiders 10, Steelers 13
Fifty years ago, one of the greatest moments in NFL history happened. The Immaculate Reception. On this anniversary, it’s only fitting that the Steelers and Raiders played each other. Franco Harris, the recipient of the reception, was set to be retired by the Steelers before this game, but he tragically passed away days before the game. This game was a throwback to 1970’s era football. Low-scoring, with punts and turnovers aplenty. Pittsburgh won thanks to an 80-yard final drive led by Kenny Pickett and maintains their slim playoff life thanks to this win. Meanwhile, the Raiders experience more turmoil as McDaniels benches Derek Carr for existing incorrectly in his system. Their playoff hopes are all but dead.
Packers 26, Dolphins 20
This game was a tale of two halves and was a microcosm of the season for both teams. We got what we expected in the first half: Miami cruising out to an early lead as Green Bay came out flatter than a map. The second half brought about the style of play that both teams are beginning to conform to. Miami was sputtering and turning over the ball, and Green Bay is easing back into the picture, thanks to a stout defense and ridiculous luck. Aaron Rodgers is getting another shot, isn’t he? God help us all.
Broncos 14, Rams 51
It’s just what everyone needed while under the tree opening presents. A CHRISTMAS TANK BOWL!!!!
They subjected kids to this game. That’s honestly appalling. The Broncos limped into this one and were massacred at the hands of one of the worst teams in the league. Russell Wilson being brought back into action only exacerbated their issues. Look at how far he’s fallen this year. He’s gone from being the celebrated culinary artist of the Seahawks to being roasted by Patrick Star on the Nickelodeon broadcast. The Rams got the message that losing this tank bowl would only help Detroit and decided to play spoiler by beating the stuffing out of a Broncos team that probably wishes the season ended after week 3.
Fortunately for the Broncos, they finally did the thing their fanbase had been clamoring for since week 1. The Hack has been deservedly fired, not even a full year into his massive contract. Sure, you could blame the complete collapse of all the players in his system and a ridiculous amount of injuries, but Hackett did himself no favors. Horrible clock management, playcalling the worst offense in the league, wasting one of the best defenses in recent memory, a 4-11 record, and averaging 14.3 points per game. It got so bad that he had to hire an assistant to help with clock management. Speaking of which, he’s the new interim coach. The Hack was so bad in Denver that he achieved Urban Meyer levels of incompetence. Denver’s season has been a trainwreck, and they have even more egg on their face thanks to this venture blowing up in their faces. Seattle laughs in the background and revels in the top 5 picks they’ll have for the next two years.
Buccaneers 19, Cardinals 16
The script for Tampa’s last few games has been so overused that the pages are starting to fall out. They look horrible for three quarters and then magically turn it on, in the end, to come back against a struggling opponent. Tom Brady is lauded as a genius and leader of men, and the Bucs continue to defy the odds and limp into a must-win game against Carolina next week. Arizona gets more predictable misery and the announcement of JJ Watt’s retirement. If this is truly it, it was an incredible career. I’m not even salty over that wild card game, either. We’ll see him in Canton in 5 years.
Chargers 20, Colts 3
This game just felt like a blur with everything else happening in the sports realm. LA, sticking to their narratives, proceeded to look horrible and mortal for most of the game, only winning because they had the fortune of facing Jeff Saturday. Indy gets more coal in their stocking, as well. Their postseason hopes are officially dead.
Eliminated: Indianapolis Colts
This team is a glue factory. Quarterbacks go there to die, and they are a clown show at the top. Sell the team, Irsay.
Meanwhile, the Chargers drunkenly stumble their way into playoff position.
Playoff Bound; Los Angeles Chargers
This team has massive holes, including at head coach, but hey, they made it. They will be exposed in due course.
Do I even need to announce the Laughingstock Finalists this week? I think we all know who it is. It’s the Denver Broncos, and that decision is pretty self-explanatory. What a disaster at Mile High.
