Week 2 is in the books. There’s a lot that happened this week. Let’s get into it.
Bills 31, Dolphins 10
I don’t know how to describe this game other than a complete annihilation of all of the Dolphins’ hopes and dreams. Miami was favored, they were coming off an incredible comeback win, they had everything in their favor! Yet they still found a way to make Josh Allen look like their daddy once again. The much-hyped defense couldn’t make a stop when it mattered, allowing James Cook to run hogwild all over them. As for the offense? Tua Turndaballova decided to make yet another appearance. 3 awful interceptions, one of them a pick-six, to give Buffalo 17 free points. And then he got injured. The good news for Miami is that despite how scary the injury looked, Tua still isn’t retiring. The bad news is that it’s his 5th concussion in as many years. I don’t know how he does it- or if he does it at all.
49ers 17, Vikings 23
All of us who doubted Sam Darnold last week and were made to eat crow had the convenient excuse of the Giants’ defense. Today, Mono Man had to face a real team- and did the exact same thing. Darnold was outstanding once again, but the show’s real star was the Vikings defense. They were suffocating and relentless, making Brock Purdy’s life a living hell and taking advantage of the absence of several key players. Niners, you may have lost in embarrassing fashion, but I’m not done yet. McCaffrey was placed on IR before the game. George Kittle went down. Nick Bosa had ankle issues. It might be a long 4-6 week stretch coming up for you guys.
Seahawks 23, Patriots 20 (OT)
Two teams entering uncharted territory: The Seahawks in their first road game without Carroll, and the Patriots in their first home game without Belichick in over 20 years. Safe to say that this game was just as entertaining as I hoped it would be. Even for their flaws, New England had the lead late with an opportunity to seal it with a field goal… and then Joey Slye channeled Chad Ryland last year by pushing the kick wide and to the left. The Seahawks are the kind of team that will make you pay for such errors. They don’t flip the game but do enough to tie the game and send it to overtime- and then the offense did the rest as they won on a walk-off field goal. Patriots, you may have lost but take pride in the fact that nobody thought you would look good this year. Despite Backup Brisket and the passing attack needing some work, their ground game is legit. Keep it up.
Giants 18, Commanders 21
In what might be a preview for a Super Tank Bowl in about 2 months’ time, the Giants and Commies meet in the house that pain and failure built for an uninspiring game of football. If there’s any solace to this matchup, at least we get to see the rookies instead of last year where there was no talent on either side. Jaden Daniels looks good so far. Despite Washington’s inability to convert in the red zone (yet again), they did enough to set up new kicker Austin Seibert for 7 clutch field goals. Giants, you may have scored touchdowns this week, but the W’s still elude you. Like I said last week, time to sharpen that guillotine.
Chargers 26, Panthers 3
Things are looking dire in Charlotte. After last week’s alleyway mugging at the hands of New Orleans, the Panthers return for their home opener to a crowd of… mostly Charger fans. This is the first time in about 8 years that Charger fans have outnumbered those of the opposition, home or away. I don’t know what does if that doesn’t tell you how apathetic Carolina has gotten. As for the game itself, predictable events played out. LA had their way with that trash defense all game, but the Panthers’ main concern should be Bryce Young. He has looked horrible. He’s skittish in the pocket, he’s making insanely questionable choices with the ball, and his presence is so tiny on the field you’d confuse him with Tyrion Lannister. They’re 0-17. Watch now; it’s that bad. Chargers, enjoy your free win to 2-0. Send Ryan Poles a fruit basket while you’re at it.
Saints 44, Cowboys 19
HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!!!! It’s one thing when the Saints hang 40+ on Carolina, but when they do it to Dem Boys? It turns a lot of heads. Dallas was completely dominated in their home opener on all sides of the ball. Their offense was passable until Dak started getting desperate in the 2nd half, forcing it into triple coverage. As for the defense? Would you seriously call whatever they did on Sunday “defending”? They just stood there for the most part and let the Saints’ wideouts run right by them, apart from a fluke interception in garbage time. They didn’t keep them off the board until the 4th quarter. They were annihilated today by Derek Carr, of all quarterbacks, slinging it like he’s back in his 2016 prime. Saints, we thank you for this glorious bounty of getting to laugh at the Cowboys. To them, it’s just a side effect of a legit statement win.
Colts 10, Packers 16
Anthony Richardson is a man of many talents. Consistency is apparently not one of them. Last week showcased his tremendous upside; Sunday exposed his flaws. A-Rich was god awful. Green Bay didn’t even do anything special; they had one good drive in the 1st quarter and then sat back and played conservatively for the rest of the game. Despite a late comeback effort, it wasn’t enough. Green Bay wins and avoids the 0-2 death pit that the Colts now find themselves in.
Browns 18, Jaguars 13
The Whack-a-Dirtbag Challenge is back! Let’s see what glorious bounty the Jags defense gave us today! Dirtbag entered Sunday’s game with 17 whacks and 2 turnovers. The Jags didn’t get him as hard as Dallas did last week, but they still sacked him twice and hit him 6 more times, despite forcing no turnovers. This brings Dirtbag’s season tally to 25 whacks and 2 turnovers. Surely with this defensive effort, the Jags must have won, right? Surely in the grand opening of TrEverBank Field, the namesake would have done something, right? He didn’t? The Jags offense sucks even more than Dirtbag? Oh, joy. Don’t worry, though, Jacksonville, because you get the Bills next week. Enjoy getting massacred in primetime in front of the Mafia.
Jets 24, Titans 17
It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: Who the hell wants to win? It certainly isn’t these two poverty franchises whose wasted potential is only matched by their incompetence. In the Jets’ case, it’s a heinous instance of playing down to their competition. As for the Titans, they’re just a bad team. Example A was Will Levis, who committed his Boneheaded Turnover of the Week in the form of a desperate lateral to his checkdown option. On 3rd and short in the red zone. In the 2nd quarter. When they were up by 7. This is the kind of incompetence you don’t even see in Pop Warner, yet Levis is out here playing like his hands are lathered in mayonnaise. It’s enough to do the unthinkable: Give the Jets hope. Despite a slow start, the offense woke up in the 2nd half to do just enough to hold off Tennessee. They’ve looked incredibly fraudulent so far, but a win is a win, I guess… right?
Buccaneers 20, Lions 16
This game was a defensive struggle. It came down to which team made the fewest mistakes. And today, that team was Tampa Bay. Despite Aiden Hutchinson having a career day, the Bucs were able to capitalize on Detroit’s miscues in the red zone to take the lead late and hang on. Tampa Bay looks legit, but is it sustainable? That’s a question for down the road. Detroit looks good so far, but this is a reminder that they’re not invincible.
Raiders 26, Ravens 23
The Ravens lost by a toe last week at Kansas City. They will be out for blood in their home opener. Luckily, the pipsqueak entering their arena is just the remedy: a Raiders team that can’t score points to save their lives. Despite seemingly everything being in their favor, the Ravens played down to their competition… at least for three quarters. They managed to pull away in the 4th, taking a 10-point lead. This is when Baltimore decided to exhibit their most dire trait of all… the choke. The Ravens proceeded to blow said 10-point lead. Gardner Minshew and the ground game working them as Baltimore gave up yards ad nauseum to give the Raiders both the lead and, eventually, the win. Glad to see their choking gene hasn’t gotten out of the system yet. Enjoy being 0-2.
Rams 10, Cardinals 41
Rams, allow me to introduce you to Marvin Harrison Jr. He will carve up your defense like a frog on a dissection tray as Midget Man throws dimes to him all game. Even your offense stopped producing to gape in awe at his performance. The Cardinals look good, but is this sustainable? That question will be answered soon. LA, you looked horrible, and the injuries don’t help you either. Figure it out.
Bengals 25, Chiefs 26
Look at this, the Bungles are bucking their early-season stereotype and have a late lead against the Kansas City Chiefs. Pat Pick Mablowmes made yet another appearance today, throwing 2 interceptions and furthering his case for the most overrated quarterback in the league. Down by 2, the Chiefs are down to a 4th and 16 from their own 45-yard line. This is where the Chiefs’ MVP over the past few years comes back to help them: zebras. Despite the pass landing incomplete, the refs called a pass interference penalty on Cincinnati. Here’s my take on that call: game-changing penalties like that one on a 4th and 16 shouldn’t be called unless they are clear, egregious penalties. This one was borderline at best, and they shouldn’t have called it in that situation. They were both going for the ball; the contact was incidental and didn’t restrict either receiver’s arms. In addition, the ref that called it waited for the pass to fall incomplete before he even reached for his flag! That flag put the Chiefs into field goal range for Harrison Butker to end the game. Cincinnati gets royally screwed over on their way to their 3rd 0-2 start in as many years. Stuff like this is why some people believe the league is rigged. Embarrassing.
For further analysis, we go to a smug bandwagon Chiefs fan: Henry Kress ‘26.
“I love the refs. Pat Mahomes is the GOAT.” – Henry Kress ‘25
Steelers 13, Broncos 6
We need a special guest to break it down for such a special game. We go now to a corresponding Yinzer and 2024 Northwood graduate: Sam Rudy.
“What a boring game. Steelers vs. Steelers, refs and Broncos. I thought the Steelers played a decent first half. They had a lights-out defense, were moving the ball offensively, and finally had a few plays that showed some sparks. I think they fell asleep in the second half, along with the Broncos finally starting to step up. Bo Nix is not the Broncos’ solution. He turns the ball over too much, although he does show some speed and playmaking ability. All in all, the Steelers got the job done, but this game should have been at least 28-6.” -Sam Rudy ‘24
Bears 13, Texans 19
Two young quarterbacks each making their first career appearances on Sunday Night Football. The stage was set for a spectacle. We did indeed get a spectacle- from the defenses. Despite Stroud and Williams playing very good football for stretches throughout the game, the defenses stole the show on numerous occasions by stuffing everything in sight. In the end, the Texans did just enough on offense to win, while the Bears couldn’t get anything going until the 2nd half. Houston, you’ve looked incredibly sloppy so far, but you’re 2-0 and seem to be in control of your division. Keep it going.
Falcons 22, Eagles 21
Kirk Cousins in primetime: it’s a narrative like no other. Despite Cousins doing typical Cousins things early in the game, the Eagles played heinously down to their competition, keeping Atlanta in the game for way too long. The Falcons even had a lead deep into the 2nd half due to the Eagles’ defense forgetting how to tackle yet again. It’s fine, though: Philadelphia was able to tush push their way into the end zone to take a 3-point lead. Better yet, they stuffed the Falcons on 4th down and are driving into the red zone and can knee the ball out to end the game with another first down. They are down to a 3rd and 3- and then Saquon drops a routine screen pass. Cue the field goal to increase the lead to 6. Kirk Cousins has a history of sucking in primetime, particularly on Monday Night Football. Philly is even a team over .500, so double the curse on Cousins. This kind of situation for him is usually filled with pain and misery for the fans whatever team he is on. You would be correct, that drive did lead to pain and misery- for Eagles fans. Perc Thuggins methodically picks their defense apart as Drake London has his first signature game with several key catches. The Falcons take a 1-point lead, followed by a Hurts interception to close it out. Eagles, you had the division in the palm of your hands, and you let it slip away. Remember this one if you end up as a wildcard in January.
Laughingstock of the Week
And now, esteemed ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the Laughingstock-of-the-week. This week didn’t feature much in the NFL, but definitely did in the college ranks. This week’s Laughingstock is Northwestern State, for their travesty of a game against Southern Alabama. They got blown out of the water 87-10. It got so bad that both coaches met after the 3rd quarter and agreed to play a 6 minute 4th in order to end the game quicker. That’s the closest thing to a mercy rule you can get in College Football, and it just happened to these guys. Contract the program.
