What a crazy week it was in the NFL, especially for the Patriots’ QB Mac Jones. Gus Garvey has our recap. (Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)
This week was when all of the drama happened. Playoff clinchers, eliminations, epic chokes, laughing at the Cowboys, it was all enveloped in this gauntlet of a weekend. Grab the popcorn; it’s recap time.
49ers 21, Seahawks 13
For the longtime Niners fans reading this, you might be familiar with a little-known narrative to the rest of the league: The Niners are snakebitten in Seattle. No matter how good or bad either team is, San Fran always manages to collapse in front of the twelves leading to a Seahawk victory. In the last 19 years, they had only won there four times. Fortunately for Santa Clara, a savior has descended from the heavens to help them with this plight. His name is Brock Purdy. In the elements, in front of the Twelves, Purdy played a solid, efficient game to lead to a Niner victory. They overcome their demons with this win. They receive an early Christmas present: Several fumbles by the Hawks leading to free points for the Niners. Oh, and there’s also a division title in there somewhere, too.
Playoff Bound: San Francisco 49ers
Not gonna lie: this was a darn good job by Shanahan and company. The entire offense has dealt with the equivalent of being broken on the wheel this year, and they still found a way to win a division title. You can thank the Rams for falling apart, but these guys earned their spot. They’re very interesting going into January.
Colts 36, Vikings 39 (OT)
A quick disclaimer before this begins: Yes, I understand this game’s significance. It is my job to attempt to do it justice in a normal-length segment. Don’t cancel me for disrespecting it or something like that. Deal? Good.
Minnesota is such an inconsistent team this year. They will come out and obliterate teams like the Bills and Patriots. Then, these massive eggs will be laid, and no one will know what happened. The newest example was their scrum with the Indianapolis Colts. A broken team led by Jeff Saturday marched into their house and flat-out imposed their will for an entire half. 33-0 by intermission. At halftime, you could hear a pin drop inside US Bank Stadium. There’s no way they blow this. Even the Colts couldn’t pull off something this absurdly inept. Wait… Colts, what are you doing? Why are you bending over backward? They prolapse all over the field in the 2nd half and let Minnesota tie the game to send it to overtime. At this point, I want to ask one question: Who is this year’s dealer? Can any team in the league gain any consistency? Is this punishment for complaining about the lack of parity in the Brady vs. Manning era? Oh, we’ve got parity. We’ve got more than we could have ever wanted. With enough said, Minnesota drives the length of the field and boots home the game-winning field goal. The largest comeback in NFL history is worthy of a special reward, Skol army: A playoff berth.
Playoff Bound: Minnesota Vikings
I’m not sold on this team yet. The close wins are impressive, but they’ve shown themselves as mortal. This team still has a negative point differential. Watch them win the Super Bowl and make me eat a gigantic bag of manure. It would be par for the course, given how this year has gone.
Ravens 3, Browns 13
The Ravens stink. Their record is inflated thanks to fantastic luck and terrible opponents. They completely fall apart when they have to face a team with even something resembling a competent defense. Cleveland was beatable. Deshaun Watson is still trying to ease back into regular play, and their offense imitated a stagnant pond for most of the game. Baltimore couldn’t capitalize. Cleveland rolls by them on their tanks of glory as the Ravens are finally ousted from their perch atop the AFC North. It was a good run for these guys. They’ll probably make the playoffs, but I have severe doubts. Enjoy being a 1-and-done.
Dolphins 29, Bills 32
This was one of those games where one team just had to lose because both were that good on both sides of the ball. I’ll admit, it was looking dicey for the Bills at points in this game. They did their patented third-quarter thing of doing nothing on offense except turn the ball over, which Miami capitalized on to take an 8-point lead going into the 4th quarter. However, if there’s anything to learn from this year, the lead is far from secure. Cue a four-play touchdown drive by the Bills and a leap from SuperAllen to tie the game at 29. Then, an omen from the heavens finally touched down in Orchard Park: The snow. It had been rumored to be on the way all game, and football fans were as interested in when the blizzard would start as the game’s outcome. The snow turned out to be Miami’s version of a Japanese fisherman. Pinned deep in their territory, they could do nothing in it. They had to give the ball back to Buffalo. Everyone knows what happens next. Josh Allen methodically leads the Bills down the field, and Tyler Bass kicks the game-winning field goal. Miami may have lost, but they should be proud of themselves. They ran into a Bills team hungry for revenge and not only kept it close but almost pulled off the upset. Buffalo, meanwhile, can celebrate for a day. They have clinched a playoff spot.
Playoff Bound: Buffalo Bills
I have serious questions about the sustainability of the defense without Von anchoring the D-line, but they’re finding ways to win the close ones this year. That newfound aspect of this team cannot be denied. They have grit, tenacity, and resilience, so they’re still going to the Super Bowl. However, I must warn them. If they break my heart again this year, I’ll have something special cooked up for them. Please don’t, Buffalo. For both the city’s sake and my general well-being.
Eagles 25, Bears 20
They may not look it, but the Chicago Bears are better than their record suggests. They may already be eliminated from the playoffs, but they play with heart, hunger, and drive. They still have things to play for, including team pride, player development, and perhaps some jobs. Unfortunately, this is where we realize that this will to win has them going up against not a complacent cupcake of an opponent but the best team in the league. While keeping up with the Eagles for a while, Chicago couldn’t close them out when they needed to. That’s been the season’s story for them, keeping it competitive for three quarters and then being unable to finish. Philly, meanwhile, gets one more game before their guaranteed home playoff game at the Linc comes to fruition.
Lions 20, Jets 17
Who could have seen this coming at the beginning of the year? Lions vs. Jets being one of the biggest games of the week? For playoff seeding? Are you kidding me? After beating Minnesota last week, Detroit faces the most formidable defense they’ve had to play. And they passed the test. It was less due to their offense than their defense. The Jets could do nothing all day. It also didn’t help that a certain… other quarterback was forced in for New York due to Mike White’s injury. He performed as advertised, routinely chucking the ball to the other team and making turnovers at a rate that would make Famous Jameis proud. Detroit gets back to .500 with this win. I must say, this is a nice little stretch they’ve put together. I’m intrigued to see if they can finish the deal. The goal is their first playoff win in a half-century, nothing too significant.
Steelers 24, Panthers 16
Yes, both teams are technically still in the hunt and have things to play for, but the memes are why I write these recaps. From the doldrums of Carolina, the game that took place can only be described with two words. TANK BOWL!
This game was a bit more watchable than the previous iterations of tank bowl, if only because the offenses showed up in the first half. Both teams still have many things that they can earn with a win. Carolina for a chance to upend Tampa and win the worst division in football. The Steelers for their delusional false hope and a fleeting gasp at getting Tomlin another winning season. However, in the 2nd half, the Panthers had an epiphany. They understood the rules of the game. Cue a complete collapse on offense leading to endless opportunities for the other team. The Steelers will take the gifts and capitalize on them, tanking is not in their dictionary, and they still have to keep the false hope kindled for the Yinzers. Carolina loses the game but wins the tank. Only three more games until they can blow it up all over again. Call this karma for Rock Hill or something.
Chiefs 30, Texans 24 (OT)
I don’t understand this game sometimes—case in point, the Chiefs’ match against Houston on Sunday. Kansas City would spend most of the game flexing their might, dominating on the stat sheet but remaining tied to Houston on the scoreboard. The whole game just felt like a comedy reel. The Texans were sitting there laughing while KC kept self-destructing on offense. Mahomes and company were so inept that this game went to overtime. Yes, THE CHIEFS going into overtime with Houston. It was here that KC realized that they were playing the Texans. Cue their high-end talent coming to save the day with a touchdown. I have several choice words in response to that, though. Run. Run as fast as you can out of the stadium, Chiefs. You got fortunate in this one. Now take this undeserved division title and get out of my sight.
Playoff Bound: Kansas City Chiefs
With Mahomes at QB, I know anything is possible, but this team seems much more mortal than the Chiefs teams of the past. They will be exposed in due course. Perhaps in a snow game in Buffalo or by losing to the Bungles again.
Falcons 18, Saints 21
Two trash heaps congregate in the Superdome for a showdown of suck. Prepare yourselves for a tank bowl!
Yes, I know these two teams are technically still in the playoff hunt due to how bad their division is, but let’s be honest: this had to be designated as such. It’s the only way to explain how bad both teams were at playing football today. Atlanta was giving 3rd round pick out of Cincinnati Desmond Ridder his first career start today. He showed how raw he was when faced against a Saints defense that’s given far better quarterbacks than he fits this season. The Falcons’ defense also did its part by making Andy Dalton look godlike. Atlanta continues their downward spiral after a surprising start, and the Saints get false hope for a division title. They’ll be destroyed in the postseason, but the memes will be glorious if they make it in.
Cowboys 34, Jaguars 40 (OT)
After their scare against the Texans, the Cowboys travel to the humid wasteland of Florida, where they face a Jags team coming off a shellacking of the Titans. So far, the Cowboys are imposing their will on the hapless denizens of Jacksonville. A 27-10 lead in the 3rd quarter should be game over, right? Wrong. In a scenario entirely foreign as of late, the Jags stormed back to make it a game when they looked dead in the water. They even took the lead going into the 4th quarter. This is where Dallas’s offense finally wakes up and drives down the field to retake the lead. It is now 34-31 with two minutes left. What does Trevor Lawrence do? Run off for a significant gain, into field goal range, and then fumbles the ball right into the hands of a Cowboys defender. You might think this is game over, but no, sir, those boys in blue have yet another trick up their sleeve. Cue a three-and-out and a collapse on defense to allow the Jags back into field goal range to send the game to OT. Even worse, Jacksonville won the overtime coin toss. It’s okay; they stuffed the Jags and can win with a field goal. What do they do instead? Throw a pick-6 to lose the game. I couldn’t dream up a more Cowboys ending if I tried. A golden opportunity to escape yet another close game with a win, only to sizzle and burn right into the swamps of Duval. The Cowboys lose precious ground to Philly, and the Jaguars can still win their division. Say it with me, everyone! HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!! God, this team is trash. It’s alright, Dallas. At least you made the playoffs.
Playoff bound: Dallas Cowboys
Just like last year, their upside is tremendous. With that defense plus all the talent they have on offense? However, their floor is, well, this game. I wouldn’t look down there. Cautious optimism is vital with this group.
Cardinals 15, Broncos 24
From the doldrums of Mile High, we get yet another glorious spectacle. TANK BOWL!
With Kyler Murray done for the year and their playoff odds dwindling, it would be wise for the Cardinals to focus on the tank bowl standings for the rest of the year. They may not need help at the QB position, but a potentially game-changing defensive talent could fall into their laps in the draft. Denver, meanwhile, is representing Seattle thanks to gambling everything on Russell Wilson. Speaking of Chef Russ, he didn’t play thanks to his concussion from last week, blessing us with another Brett Rypien sighting. Matched up against Arizona’s Colt McCoy, the name of this game was awful offenses and even worse defense on the part of the Cardinals. Do you want to know how bad it was? Denver scored over 20 points. For the second straight week. Their offense might finally be waking up, but it’s too little, too late. All they can do now is give Seattle a worse draft pick. As well as knock the Cardinals out of the playoffs, that too.
Eliminated: Arizona Cardinals
They might be good someday; if they ever get a defense. Or an offensive line. Or a coaching staff and executives that aren’t total hacks. Kyler’s injury only exposed the flaws of this team to the mainstream. They have a lot of work to do. Unfortunately, they extended Kingsbury and Keim before the season. Well done, lads.
Patriots 24, Raiders 30
The Patriots might be done. Their run last year might have been attributed to the fact that no one had adjusted to Mac Jones yet. They started adjusting in the final weeks of last year, and now everyone’s adjusted this year. Mac has been thoroughly exposed. He is a checkdown magnet held back by talentless receivers and inept coaching. This game against the Raiders proved as much. If you’re having trouble breaking through Las Vegas’s defense, that’s a good sign that your relevant days are over for this season. Even then, the defense kept them in it long enough to force overtime. There’s no way the Pats screw this up. No way. That was until they pulled off what is quite possibly the worst play in NFL history.
In a tie game, with 3 seconds left and no timeouts, instead of a hail mary, the Patriots chose to hand the ball off to Rhomandre Stevensen to run out the clock and force overtime. However, with no time left and 3 Raiders converging on him, Rhomandre chose to lateral the ball to Jacoby Meyers. This is where the magic truly begins. Probably believing the Pats were already losing, Meyers, a high school quarterback, threw it 10 yards in the wrong direction, trying to get it back to Mac Jones. Unfortunately, Chandler Jones (no relation) of the Raiders caught it, stiff-armed MacCorkle, and ran it back for a Vegas touchdown. Raiders win, and the entire state of Massachusetts wants Jacoby Myers tarred and feathered for his treasonous act. The Patriots’ playoff hopes take a significant hit due to this game.
I’m not even introducing the Laughingstock finalists this week. Mac Jones is the laughingstock of the week. No ifs, ands, or buts. For more analysis on why this is, we are bringing in a special guest to analyze why: Mr. Aaron Garvey.
1) he never even attempted to make a play on the ball. He just stood there, with his feet in cement, watching the ball come toward him, and never appeared to move to try and catch the ball.
2) There’s no offensive or defensive pass interference in such a scenario. It is a fumble, and as we know from all fumbles like this, it’s no holds barred, do what you have to do to get the ball. He could have very easily just tackled the guy. There are no rules about offensive or defensive interference; he could have tackled him before he caught the ball. Even if Mac isn’t going for the ball, he could be a defender. He could even be an illegal defender because it’s a fumble. You can do all sorts of nonsense when there’s a fumble.
3) As soon as the ball gets caught, he gets pancaked and driven into the stadium’s foundation! How is it that in this many years of playing football, Mac Jones has no idea how to make a tackle, especially when his coordinator is a defensive coordinator, and he should be able to teach his players how to make a tackle? So that’s why Mac Jones is the laughingstock of this play. And this play is arguably the worst play in NFL history. So if you’re the laughingstock of the worst play in NFL history, you’re the laughingstock of the week.
Titans 14, Chargers 17
Two mediocre and overrated teams enter the arena, and only one may escape with a win. Early on, it was looking to be the Chargers. The offense had done enough to take the lead, and the defense kept with their form from last week by suffocating the Titans’ offense and their King Henry, even going as far as injuring Ryan Tannehill for a series. Up 14-7 with 6 minutes left, a miracle happened. The Charger defense remembered the narratives and valiantly broke open to allow Ryan Tannehill to lead a game-tying touchdown drive on a bum ankle to tie the game with 30 seconds left. However, this is where the Chargers’ high-end talent comes into play. Herbert gets them into field goal range with one play to Mike Williams, setting up a game-winner from Dicker the Kicker. The Chargers win and keep their playoff positioning afloat, while the Titans get thrust into a dogfight for the AFC South. The Jags are only a game back now. And they have the tiebreaker. Things could get very interesting in Tennessee. Grab the popcorn.
Bengals 34, Buccaneers 23
Better late than never, Tampa. I admit I had concerns about you, but this is a relief. Completely suffocating the Cincinnati Bengals for the first half. The offense is finally doing things with the ball that don’t involve deflating it. The defense has regained its form from last year. So much so that the Bengals, one of the highest-scoring teams in the league, didn’t score a point until the final play of the half. A 17-3 lead at halftime for the Buccaneers. Things looked to be in cruise control. What happened instead? 4 turnovers in the 3rd quarter. A Bengals team put up thirty-one unanswered points in the 2nd half. The same Bengals offense that looked washed in the first half. It’s panic time, Tampa. Thanks to how bad their division is, they’ll still get a home playoff game, but I’m not sold on their prospects in the postseason. Now watch them be the team that gives Dallas a playoff win. I shudder to think about how insufferable Cowboys fans will be if that outcome happens.
Giants 20, Commanders 12
The last meeting between these two left us with a sour taste: a tie, one of the worst aspects of the NFL’s scoring system that should be abolished. Tonight, we shall have the winner- and it’s the Giants. It’s nothing on the Commies’ defense. They played a gusty, intense game and deserve little blame. The main culprit of this primetime letdown is the offense. Taylor Heinicke may have a champion’s swagger, confidence, and competitive spirit, but he lacks one critical part of a true franchise QB: talent. An average quarterback like him can only do so much against a stout defense like the Giants, and it showed. Two turnovers and red zone ineptitude on the part of the Commies made the difference. Yes, the refs may have helped with this, but Washington still had their chances and failed. It’s too bad. If a different person owned them, the Commies would be one of the most likable teams in the league. Now they get thrust back into the mosh pit for the 7th seed, with Detroit and Seattle chomping at their heels. Buckle up, Commies.
Rams 12, Packers 24
On Monday Night Football, we got a special reward. A HEAVYWEIGHT TANK BOWL!!!!
The Rams and the Packers in a tank bowl match. Go back and look at my season preview; you’ll see I did not have this planned for this year. But yes, their records both point to incredible tanking, so yes, it is a tank bowl. Green Bay still foolishly thinks they can make the playoffs, so they beat the stuffing out of the Rams in primetime to give them at least some false hope going into next week. Oh yeah… the Rams. Let’s say we’ll have a new Super Bowl champion this season. Get out.
Eliminated: Los Angeles Rams
This happens when you go all-in for a championship—a brief blip of success followed by a dark age that is hard to recover from. Want to know how hard it’ll be? No first-round picks until 2027. Detroit and Jacksonville, thank you for the bounty.
