This week before Turkey Day had some of the best football so far this year. I’ll cut to the chase, there’s a lot to recap this week.
Bengals 20, Ravens 34
The NFL schedule makers saw this matchup and said “let’s put it on a Thursday”! That decision washed out any benefit this game may have had. Injuries and sloppy play were on the agenda tonight. Mark Andrews went down on the third play. Lamar was on the ground in pain for a little while. OBJ almost had a scare. But the biggest one claimed by the Football gods tonight was from the visiting side. Joe Burrow. Torn ligament in his wrist. His season is over. Bungles, you’re screwed. It wasn’t even due to the bad line this time, it was just really bad luck. Jake Browning looked okay in his limited role, but he’s far from Joe Burrow out there. By the time he got the offense moving, it was far too late. As for Baltimore, they also lose one of their important players on offense. Mark Andrews is done for the year after his ankle injury. Can we just abolish Thursday Night Football for gross indecency?
Steelers 10, Browns 13
The Browns are reeling this week. Dirtbag and his services are once again out this week, as Dirtbag was forced to get season-ending shoulder surgery. No comment. The bad news for Cleveland is that they’re forced to start Dorian Thompson-Robinson in his 2nd career start. He didn’t light the world on fire by any means, but he did just enough to allow Cleveland’s defense to do what they do best; completely dominate an overmatched opponent. They made Kenny Pickett look like an FCS quarterback. This isn’t just regression, it’s at the point where he’s playing lower than Cleveland’s sewer system. He’s rattled beyond belief, he’s skittish in the pocket, and he’s scared to throw the ball downfield in case he makes a mistake. Perhaps this is due to the different sewer system known as the Steelers’ offensive scheming. Low-risk draw plays and a lot of pre-snap motion that does nothing to fool defenses. The result is an offense that would make a middle school outfit look good. What, I’m supposed to be impressed that the Browns won this disaster of a game? If this was a real team, they would have gotten punted straight across Lake Erie to Detroit.
Wouldn’t you know it, the Steelers have finally fired Matt Canada. I’m not going to congratulate them that much for something they should have done a month ago at minimum, but we can call this progress. Honestly, good riddance. There were chants to fire this guy at hockey games, it was that bad. You know how unprecedented of a move this is for the Steelers? They haven’t fired a coach since 2004. They haven’t had a midseason coaching change since 1941. And that guy resigned from his position. Matt Canada was so bad he made history doing so. How the Steelers even offered this guy a contract is beyond me.
Raiders 13, Dolphins 20
I can’t tell if this game is a result of Vegas turning a corner or the Dolphins looking sluggish after their bye week. My conclusion is a bit of both. Miami just looked flat. Sure, Vegas is playing like they have nothing to lose, but there’s still such a lack of execution on their part. This raiders D isn’t exactly quality, you know. Luckily it was the Raiders and not a real team, Miami. May your cakewalk schedule propel you to 7-3 as they get ready to face the closest thing to a JV team in the Jets next Friday.
Bears 26, Lions 31
Detroit, congratulations on your statement win last week. What you failed to realize is that you must beat the bad teams convincingly to continue to be viewed as legit. Detroit didn’t do that today. Against the closest thing the NFL has to an EFL Championship team in the Bears, the Lions looked flat and uninspired until about 5 minutes to go in the 4th quarter. It just felt like they woke up just in time to bail themselves out and didn’t bother putting in a full 60-minute effort.
Titans 14, Jaguars 34
Tennessee fans are in hell. Not only has Will Levis been revealed to be rawer than sushi, but they also face their dreaded adversary: Jacksonville. For some reason over the past few years, the Titans haven’t been able to beat them. Despite the Jags getting massacred by San Fran the previous week, it continued today down in the hot sun of Duval. Once again, horrible offensive play, coupled with the defense bending like a bow to allow the Jags to march all over them. Jacksonville now gears up for a huge matchup with the Texans next week to decide AFC South supremacy. Tennessee- well, at least you’ve won a game this year? That’s a plus, right?
Chargers 20, Packers 23
Last week was rough, Chargers. At least this week you get an easy opponent in the Packers. LA should dominate this game- as they completely fall apart and keep Green Bay in the game for far too long. The Packers even had the lead for most of this game. If things couldn’t get worse for LA, their 1st round wide receiver couldn’t catch a perfect touchdown pass to put LA up with seconds remaining. Packers win. Chargers, you’re done. If you’re laying these kinds of eggs against Green Bay? Yikes.
Cardinals 16, Texans 21
Houston is a very weird team to me. Some weeks, they’ll come out and completely ravage teams like Jacksonville and Cincinnati. On others, they’ll lay eggs against groups like the Cardinals and Panthers. This week was more of the same, in which we got the brutally frustrating Texans team we’ve seen from time to time this year. Even with midget man under center, Arizona just couldn’t muster much on offense against a stout D, as CJ Stroud and company did just enough to escape with a win. Next week is huge as to their playoff chances. Get it done, Houston.
Cowboys 33, Panthers 10
Dallas continues their cakewalk schedule against the worst team in the league. Despite the lopsided final score, this game was close for a while. Way too close. Dallas, you’re lucky you were facing a backwards organization like Carolina or else this could have been really embarrassing for you. After the next couple weeks comes the tough part of your schedule. None of their wins are against teams currently over .500. If that doesn’t raise any red flags, I don’t know what will.
Giants 31, Commanders 19
A disaster of a game that can only be described in two words: TANK BOWL!
This week’s tank bowl takes us to the NFC East, where Washington looks to get their season back on track against a pretend team in the New York Giants. Even with the disaster that has been their year so far, they can still stay alive and kicking in the playoff picture. I mean come on, you’re facing Tommy DeVito. This guy is the closest the NFL has to a random guy off the street. You’ll be able to handle him, right? You can continue to do delude yourselves into thinking everything is fine, while DeVito carves up your paper soft defense like a turducken and Sam Howell throws a pick six to seal the game. How on earth do Ron Rivera and Jack Del Rio still have jobs right now? You can say goodbye to whatever playoff hopes you had, Washington. At least you’ll have a high draft pick? That’s a positive?
Buccaneers 14, 49ers 27
The Bucs are limping into this game somewhere between overcooked and hockey puck, as they face a San Fran team hungry for more easy opponents to beat. We already know the culprit by now. That garbage offense. Byron Leftwich has gone from a guy that was in line to fill a head coach vacancy 2 years ago to a guy that might find himself on the unemployment line at the end of the year. He can join Matt Canada and Dorsey there as his offense was nowhere near productive today. San Fran is a good defense, but the Bucs did themselves no favors with any kind of clutch breaking down before they got out of the lot. The fortunate thing for them is that they’re surprisingly still competitive in the playoff chase, mostly thanks to their really weak division. Now watch them screw this up and miss the playoffs.
Jets 6, Bills 32
The Northwood Mirror is proud to announce the newest addition to our sports coverage: the Fireman Ed Intoxication Meter! Who needs fan optimism when you can drown your pain in booze? Let’s see who they’re playing tonight, anyway. The Bills. Jets fans, you’re going to need to pregame harder to even survive. We’ll call it about 7 beers by kickoff. The good news is that the Jets defense is doing well, holding Buffalo to field goals- open a cold one. The bad? The Jets are doing even worse. They were a net negative on offense deep into the 2nd quarter. They managed to score a touchdown before the half but whiffed on the 2 point try. With 12 beers in the system and Fireman Ed’s BAC well over a healthy amount, the Bills finally start scoring touchdowns. Even worse, the Jets offense somehow regresses from its bad first half. Zach Wilson was benched. For Tim Boyle. A journeyman whose only redeeming quality is holding a clipboard on the sideline. The Intoxication meter crashed from the readings following this event. Bills, here’s your free win to keep your playoff hopes alive. It’s not much, but it’s something. The real games of note are coming your way soon.
Seahawks 16, Rams 17
The Seahawks are such frauds. For some reason, they can’t handle the Rams, no matter how good or bad either team is. LA just has their number, particularly at home. It continued once again from the confines of SoFi. Seattle had an early lead but squandered it due to sloppy play and some highlight reel catches by Puka Nacua. Even when they have a chance to win, they whiff the field goal. Good. They didn’t deserve to win this one. I would comfort you for this loss but guess who you have next. The Niners. Might as well get the death sentence ready.
Vikings 20, Broncos 21
This may not have been the best game of the week, but it sure lived up to the Sunday night docket. Two well-rounded teams facing off in primetime in what was a pretty good game. Denver looked suspect early on but surged back to take the lead late and hang on. Dobbs’s feel-good story couldn’t continue today, but I honestly wouldn’t feel too bad. They’re still in a playoff spot, and their schedule is very easy. They can still make the playoffs and control their own destiny. Considering how bad their injuries are, this is a good thing.
Eagles 21, Chiefs 17
This has been the NFL’s MO this year: Great games on paper that are ruined thanks to sloppy play and refball. We got both in this super bowl rematch. I don’t know if these refs are playing DraftKings or if they’re just blind, but the crew working this game was horrible. Ticky-tack calls against both teams, no-calls on blatant fouls, just general ineptitude. Fortunately, the game was kept from being unwatchable thanks to the two teams on display. I must say, despite the loss, KC’s defense has molded into a pretty stout unit this year. It’s an improvement from years past. You know who hasn’t? Marquez Valdez Scantling. Another dropped pass at a critical moment which would have given Kansas City the lead. Philadelphia, here is your statement win. 9-1 is impressive, but do not become complacent. The rest of the season is full of potholes to be dodged. Good luck, Philly.
