Falcons 15, Panthers 25
Do you remember that Thursday Night Football special I did an ad for a few weeks ago? Well, good news, since I’m pleased to report that we have a sequel! That was this game. Behold, a match between two struggling teams in a rain-soaked Charlotte as the Panthers lorded it over their neighbor to the south and kept Mariota and his merry men in check for most of the game. Let’s check on the fan apathy meter real quick and- oh lord, the readings are through the roof. Atlanta, that shocking promise you had after leading the division outright is now gone, kindly report to the tank bowl registration to claim your late spot.
Seahawks 16, Buccaneers 21
This game felt like we rewound the clock to last year. The Seahawks were shot down back to earth this week as the Bucs toyed with them all game long to a captive audience of Germans as they got to witness the equivalent of the Dresden firebombing. Outright domination, with so many Seahawks killed in action that Tampa felt comfortable letting Leonard Fournette play quarterback for a snap. Despite a late comeback attempt by Seattle, it was all for nothing, as the Bucs’ running game woke from its underachieving slumber to burn the clock out and get them back to .500. It may be the worst thing for Tampa in the long run but let them have this. Their city may be going into a sports dark age soon.
Lions 31, Bears 30
Prepare yourselves… for a TANK BOWL!
For those of you not familiar with this unofficial tradition, let me start by explaining the rules of Tank Bowl real quick. The goal is to lose the game. Yes, completely against any kind of athletic ambition, but the prize of the first overall pick will do wonders for the franchise. With no draft lottery in the NFL, tanking is a very real phenomenon, and both the Bears and Lions are avid participants in this quest for the other #1. Justin Fields does not agree. He’s got a chip on his shoulder, and he’ll rampage through that garbage Lions’ defense until morale improves. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for the Bears’ top brass, their tattered remnants of a “D” valiantly remembered the true prize and allowed Jared Goff to torch them on the final drive. Chicago had an opportunity to save their season with this win, but once again came up short. Think about it, if they didn’t sell at the deadline and completely gut their defense, they could be knocking on the door of the playoffs with how weak the NFC is this year. Detroit gets more false hope before a December anvil falls on them.
Browns 17, Dolphins 39
This game was a tale of two franchises: the injury-riddled amputee that gets routinely kicked into a curb, and the former pauper that recently won the lottery and is doing everything right. No surprises here, except that the Dolphins now control their destiny in the AFC east thanks to the Bills’ choke job. What a time. Cleveland, meanwhile, falls to 3-6 and will be needing several Christmas miracles to get back into playoff contention. It’s too bad their next opponent is only…Buffalo. Dawg Pound, get the liquor, you’ll need plenty of it. Only two more weeks until Deshaun Watson gets released from the Ginger Emperor’s basement, guys.
Broncos 10, Titans 17
Two bad coaches leading struggling teams in a battle for mediocrity. You know what this means. The return of the ineptitude bowl!
You thought you had a break from these things last week, didn’t you? That’s where you’re wrong. Denver needs no introduction to the art of ineptitude. Over $300 million was invested into their offense and they still can’t move a feather when they get the ball. Tennessee, meanwhile, didn’t fare much better. While the newly minted Ryan Tannehill was able to sky the ball with success due to a battered Broncos defense, their vaunted rushing attack was stifled for most of the game. Unfortunately, one team had to win, and the Titans claimed victory thanks to sheer defensive will. I would call for the Hack to be fired after this loss, but this is Elway, and he won’t do a thing until his hand is forced.
Vikings 33, Bills 30 (OT)
Do you seriously expect this kind of game can be confined to a normal recap segment? This deserves more of… an autopsy. God, this Bills team is going to make me lose every one of my few brain cells by the end of the year.
Texans 16, Giants 24
The Giants continue their cakewalk schedule in earnest. This time, they’re facing Houston. There was no chance from the start. They’re built like a college team, which might explain why Danny Dimes was much more in his element this game. Despite Kenny Golladay’s best efforts at sabotage, New York improves to 7-2 by suffocating their opponents through Brian Daboll’s willpower. The schedule gets a bit tougher from this point forward, but barring a collapse, they should make the playoffs. I’m still not sold on their prospects there, but with that kind of scheming, they’ll at least be competitive.
Jaguars 17, Chiefs 27
Jags fans thought they had a shot after last week’s victory, didn’t they? Let’s put that to rest this week, as they are facing, let’s see here, the Chiefs. Kansas City didn’t even need to try; just maintaining a steady pulse would have won this game. They even allowed Jacksonville to attempt a comeback but managed to come out on top in the end. Even better, due to the rest of the conference collapsing, the Chiefs are now back in sole possession of the #1 seed in the AFC. The other 15 teams in the conference groan in unison.
Saints 10, Steelers 20
Prepare yourselves… FOR ANOTHER TANK BOWL!
The second tank bowl of the week takes us to Heinz Field. There’s still a fleeting chance for both these squads, their conference foes looking for closure. Throughout the game, Pittsburgh would continually prove itself superior, despite Matt Canada doing his best to shoot the offense in the foot. Behind the return of TJ Watt, the Steelers maintain a faint pulse and avoid having to be placed on life support. For the Saints, meanwhile, a 3-7 start is concerning, but there’s still a chance with how weak the NFC south is. Tampa leads it with a 5-5 record. One of the four teams in the South will get a home playoff game. God, this division is such trash and I love it.
Colts 25, Raiders 20
Two teams in freefall and dealing with executive and organizational turmoil. If this isn’t an ineptitude bowl, I don’t know what is.
The Raiders need no introduction. Josh McDaniels has been revealed to be a total hack and is running all of his talent into the ground. As for Indy, their spot in the ineptitude bracket would usually be filled by Frank Reich and his mumbling motivation tactics. That is not the case. Enter interim coach Jeff Saturday, hired off the street by Irsay to be a yes-man until the end of the season. Why else would Matt Ryan be back under center this week? To be fair, it was the right move, and it paid off in this scenario, mostly thanks to the Raiders’ defense. Do you know how awful you have to be to make Ryan look like Lamar Jackson when he scrambles out of the pocket? The Raiders somehow did it. Congratulations, Vegas, you successfully lost to a Colts team and a head coach that hasn’t even worked a full week in the profession past the high school level. The Raiders have hit rock bottom. A 2-7 record. Derek Carr, broken to the point where he’s literally crying in the press conference. Davante Adams, wasted on an offense that has no clue what it’s doing. I’ll say what I did at the beginning of the year: Letting Rich Bisaccia walk was the worst move the Raiders have made since bringing back Jon Gruden. The fraud they hired in Bisaccia’s place is running this team into the ground and sinking it into quicksand.
Hold up, we have a new invoice from the Raiders’ top brass. Josh McDaniels, drumroll please, will…not be fired. If it weren’t for a certain snake from Washington, Mark Davis would be the worst owner in the NFL right now. His refusal to make a necessary change has already cost his team the season but might screw them over years down the road as well. I would start preparing the sacrifice offering for Black Monday, but the Raiders are too old-school to even know about it. But loyalty, am I right?
Cardinals 27, Rams 17
In the bloodbath that is the NFC west, we get a special event this week. A MARQUEE INJURY BOWL!
Both teams were dealing with so many injuries before the game that it made it extremely hard to watch. To start with, both starting quarterbacks were out with injuries: Kyler took a big hit last week against Seattle, and Matt Stafford was out with a concussion. This meant that the QB battle for this game would be Colt McCoy vs. John Wolford. Ugly football at its finest. That’s not all: to flex their superiority over LA, the Cardinals injured Cooper Kupp. Nothing serious, just a high ankle sprain that could put him on IR. The Rams are in some serious trouble. Kupp is the only reason why that offense has been humming at all this year, and if their WR1 is Ben Skowronek they’re in serious trouble. Arizona gets more false hope before they lose nine of ten to end the season in their patented collapse.
Cowboys 28, Packers 31 (OT)
America’s Game of the Week was worthy of such a title today. Nothing makes this country more united than watching the Dallas Cowboys get utterly embarrassed on national television. Remember all the talking heads praising Dan Quinn and the job he’s done with this defense? How in god’s name did they make the Packers’ offense look good? The same one that got stonewalled by Detroit? Their offense at least pulled their weight—for the first three quarters. Once darkness fell on Lambeau the entire team just froze like the field of play and allowed the Packers back into it with 14 unanswered points. They even win the overtime coin toss with a chance to make up for this ineptitude, but Mike McCarthy happens, and the Cowboys turn it over on downs. The Packers find their lost magic horseshoe and march down the field to kick the game-winning field goal. Just like every other big game they’ve had against Green Bay, Dallas finds a way to lay an egg and choke away an easy win. Say it with me, everyone! HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!! God, this team is trash. No wonder Skip Bayless is so upset.
Chargers 16, 49ers 22
San Fran is a lot better than their record suggests. Ever since acquiring McCaffrey, they have been on a tear and there aren’t many that can stop them. An example of this is their scrum against the LA Chargers. While the offense took a while to get going, the defense managed to clamp down and suffocate a talented Chargers offense. I’m impressed with what’s going on in Santa Clara. Unless they fall apart, they control their destiny for the division. I can’t wait. San Fran in the playoffs is always a treat. Shanahan is going to get his ring at some point, I can feel it.
Commanders 32, Eagles 21
Washington playing spoiler on the road against an undefeated team as a double-digit underdog. Where have I seen this before? Throughout the game, the Commies sculpted their game plan flawlessly. On offense, the receivers carved holes in the Eagles’ allegedly impenetrable defense. Their defense shut down Hurts and sustained pressure against him throughout the game. Philly’s turnovers did the rest. Despite getting screwed over by the refs on a missed facemask on one of their lost fumbles, the Eagles did themselves no favors. Only the Eagles would stumble into a big passing play, only to have the receiver fumble the ball for a turnover while sprinting for the end zone. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving fan base, I can tell you that. When the Commies got the ball back to run out the clock, Brandon Graham decided it would be a good time to pancake Heinicke and trigger a roughing the passer penalty, all but ending the game. Do you know what this means? The last undefeated team has fallen. The ‘72 Dolphins get their one day of relevance as they flaunt the shorter schedule of the 70s.
