Commanders 12, Bears 7
It’s a Thursday night game featuring two teams with no life on offense. You know what that means, it’s time for an ineptitude bowl!
For the fourth week in a row, the Thursday night game was utter trash. It might have something to do with the fact that both these offenses couldn’t move a paperweight, but we can point and laugh at the stupidity of making players perform on 3 days’ rest instead. This game did not disappoint with the ineptitude, with Ron Rivera chucking his quarterback under the bus for things that are his fault, and Matt Eberflus completely forgetting how to run an offense. With enough said, the Commies were leading 3-0 deep into the third quarter. However, a miracle happened. The Bears and their parking-cone uniforms marched down the field for a touchdown, the first scored on a Thursday in two weeks. Washington used this to get their act together and was able to storm back down the field, leading to another special moment. Brian Robinson has scored a touchdown. To understand what that guy has been through the last couple of months and then to come back and earn a starting spot is a testament to human will. He could be getting comeback player of the year this year, it’s that impressive. However, Chicago was marching down the field. They’re at the goal line. They throw it on 4th down and are two inches short of the goal line as their big-money wide receiver decided to develop butterfingers and didn’t secure the ball until he was out of the end zone. Washington snapped their 4-game losing streak as a result. Can’t say it was deserved, though. A real team would have taken out their terrible excuse for an offense 10 times over.
Ravens 20, Giants 24
Well, let’s whip out the old checklist again. Baltimore dominating on the stat sheet? Check. Leading by double digits in the 4th quarter? Check. Now what’s next, oh my, it’s another blown lead for Baltimore. This time, they fell apart due to turnovers to blow a 10-point lead to a bad offense with 3 minutes left. I would normally be alarmed, but this is decaf for the Ravens. Wake me up when Harbaugh gets fired and they make some long overdue changes.
Jaguars 27, Colts 34
Oh, so now the Colts’ offense wakes up? Not against any of the teams they should have beaten earlier, but against Jacksonville? Well, at least they’re showing some sign of life. Matt Ryan proved today that he still has some gas left in the tank, throwing for over 390 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Jaguars’ allegedly formidable defense. Oh yeah, Jacksonville. Remember when everyone thought they were turning a corner after they destroyed the Chargers? That optimism has come and gone like the wind. That brief stretch might have been smoke and mirrors, but they still have a faint shot. They dug this hole, time to climb out of it.
Patriots 38, Browns 15
This week featured a lot of upsets, but at least there’s still one constant. The Browns have once again been relegated to the Factory of Sadness. Today’s helping of pain in the Dawg Pound comes in the form of their scrum with the Patriots, fresh off the domination of Detroit and looking for another mediocre team to beat up on. Say hello to Cleveland, guys. They will lie down and die for New England at every turn, turning the game into a glorified practice drill for Bailey Zappe, who threw for over 300 yards against a defense that has been touted as otherworldly. Their offense didn’t fare much better. That Patriots front 7 was treated to a buffet at FirstEnergy stadium, an all-you-can-eat bonanza of skill players. Nick Chubb could get nothing going and Brissett consistently chucked the ball into a deep sea of white. Once again, no one feels bad for the Browns. Not until they cut Watson.
Bengals 30, Saints 26
Sure, the Bungles may have won this week, but I’m not impressed. This is a game that they should have won by double digits at least. Instead, they spent the majority of the game playing down to New Orleans and giving Cincy fans heart attacks at every turn. That last touchdown by Ja’Marr Chase bailed them out and now they’re back to .500 because the Saints’ defense can’t stop a feather without all their guys being healthy. Now they must run off for a Thursday night game against the Cardinals on a short week.
Buccaneers 18, Steelers 20
Time for the 4 words that everyone in Buffalo has been waiting to hear for 20 years. Tom Brady is cooked. Sure, he may be dealing with some off-field drama with Gisele, but c’mon man, this is the Steelers! Their defense is decimated by injuries. An offense featuring all the talent in the world suddenly self-destructs and fails to do anything against a defense that got 31 points hung on them in one half last week. This game said more about Tampa than it did about the Steelers. Which makes me wonder, how much was Arians’ system buoying up their offense? They look lost out there under Todd Bowles. No one is being held accountable. Brady seems to be the main arbiter of discipline and that’s just not how you run an organization. Tampa needs to get this fixed and fast.
49ers 14, Falcons 28
San Fran, did you enjoy your free win against the Panthers? Good, since you get to play another NFC south team that got royally screwed over by the refs last week. Jimmy G and the offense may be able to get away with miscues against weak teams, but against a scrappy Falcons team looking for someone to beat up on, they had no chance. The Niners dominated on the stat sheet but couldn’t do a thing when it mattered. They got into the red zone 7 times and only converted twice. That is alarming. Atlanta wasn’t even that impressive on offense and they still hung 28 on a defense that describes itself using words such as “competitive” and “sturdy”. Not a good look for a team that has been touted as a Super Bowl contender.
Jets 27, Packers 10
Oh my goodness, the Packers are self-destructing in front of our very eyes. Their offense can’t do a thing and their defense is completely gassed from having to carry them to wins. Aaron Rodgers looked horrible, and the Packers’ receivers could get no separation. Even their special teams got in on the fun by having a field goal blocked to end the half and then having a blocked punt returned by the Jets for a touchdown. Now, where have I seen that before? Enjoy your free victory to 4-2, New Jersey! Wait a minute, 4-2?
Vikings 24, Dolphins 16
The Vikings continue their incredibly undeserved winning streak, this time against a Dolphins team that has all their quarterbacks in the infirmary. Their defense may have kept it close, but with Skylar Thompson at quarterback, Miami had no chance. Even then, the Vikings still managed to give their fans heart attacks, allowing the Fins to keep it uncomfortably close for most of the match. Even better for Minnesota, thanks to the rest of the conference falling apart, they now hold 2nd place in the NFC with a 5-1 record. Like I said at the start, incredibly undeserved.
Panthers 10, Rams 24
Here it comes, stumbling in from the right, the Carolina fan engagement and apathy meter. After last week’s supernova, the Panthers are now in freefall. Who are they playing this week, anyway? The Rams. That’ll put fan enthusiasm at a solid 10%, good start. To the surprise of everyone, their defense puts on a valiant performance against the defending champs. They keep the Rams and their offense in check for one half, such an effort needs to be applauded, so bump the meter’s reading up to 30%. You’re forgetting the sandbags the Panthers call an offense. This offense is so bad that subjecting people to it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment. I feel there should be mandatory conscription to watch this offense in action, to witness what sheer pain looks like. It gets so bad that Robbie Anderson gets in a fight with interim coach Steve Wilks and gets traded to the Cardinals after the game. Fan enthusiasm reaches a new low as Carolina once again sucked so much that even my cutting-edge meter once again couldn’t get a reading by the end of the game. Rams, you looked awful, but here’s your free win.
Cardinals 9, Seahawks 19
A matchup between two coaches who are well past their expiration dates. Prepare yourselves for another ineptitude bowl!
Good lord, this match certainly lived up to the ineptitude bowl billing. Both offenses couldn’t do a thing this week, thanks to the boneheaded play calling on both sides. Arizona was consistently overaggressive while the Seahawks just sucked in general. Unfortunately, one team had to win, and Seattle managed to do just enough on offense to win and distract the Emerald City from the Mariners’ playoff loss for a day. Arizona’s freefall continues in earnest as they fall to dead last in the NFC west. Kingsbury, here’s the phone. Your job is on the line.
Bills 24, Chiefs 20
It’s hard to say anything bad about either team, as we witnessed the first true classic of this NFL season. Just like last year, it was unfortunate that one team had to lose. Bills vs. Chiefs will always be a good game, and this week was no different. The only difference in this game was that the defenses showed up to play today. Both units were stingy, and stout, and didn’t give up very many big plays. What would end up costing the Chiefs was the quarterback. Josh Allen made clutch throws and even jumped over another guy on the final drive. Patrick Mahomes decided to imitate Famous Jameis by throwing two costly interceptions, one of them coming in the final minute to seal the win for the Bills. Buffalo wins, exercises their demons, and Leslie Frazier completes his redemption arc—for now. Buffalo beat the Chiefs last year in the regular season, too; a lot of people forget that. Hopefully, they won’t collapse down the stretch like last year.
Cowboys 17, Eagles 26
When Dallas and KC lose on the same day, America wins. Unfortunately, this must come at a cost, as the Eagles are now 6-0 and their hornet’s nest of a fanbase is rightfully ballyhooing about the team’s success. Why wouldn’t they be? They only put on an absolute clinic against one of the best defensive units in the league. The key to beating Cooper Rush is to score a bunch of points early to take them out of the game. Once you have him playing catch-up, there is no chance for Dallas. Sure, it may have gotten a little hairy near the end for Dallas, but Philly will ride on to continue their winning streak. They’re looking more and more legit every time I see them.
Broncos 16, Chargers 19
I’m making an executive decision. All the coaches in the AFC West besides Andy Reid are utter trash and don’t deserve any dignity in these recaps. Thus, all in-division matchups between those three will be relegated to ineptitude bowl status, starting with this one. Here goes.
This game was the worst game I’ve seen in a while. Two coaches who fancy themselves as geniuses botching basic playcalling is something worthy of song. When the Hack and Brandon Staley lock horns, there is much ineptitude that abounds. Denver may have gotten out to a 10-0 lead, but they blew it because their offense decided to give the Chargers prime field position on every one of their drives. Even with this, both offenses were such trash in the second half that this game went to overtime. It shouldn’t have, but Brandon Staley decided to get cocky, hanging onto his timeouts to run 38 seconds of clock out to chuck a hail mary with one second left, instead of trying to get into field goal range. Once in overtime, Denver got the ball first. Then, the boredom commenced. 3-and-out after 3-and-out as both coaches kept out-geniusing themselves at every turn. With 5 minutes left, the Chargers were punting for the second time. However, the Bronco returner, probably feeling pity for anyone still watching the game, muffed the punt to set up the Chargers in field goal range to win. That is such a Denver way to lose a game, dear god, they are trash. Tune in next week as they continue to bumble opportunities against the Jets. The Chargers are 4-2 and somehow tied for the division lead because of The Hack and his playcalling. They may have saved their season with this win.
