Steelers 17, Browns 29
Do you like trash? Do you want nothing more than to see teams get bogged down by penalties? Then welcome to the Thursday Night Invitational. Pittsburgh versus Cleveland because who else would be regulars for this ill-conceived cash grab? All your favorites are here. Screen passes! Offensive ineptitude! Three days of rest between games! QB’s who both would not be starting on real teams! All of this and more on the Primetime game that nobody cares about! Are you interested in watching a literal buffoon try to will his team down the field? Then just watch the Steelers offense! Matt Canada and Tomlin are so inept at clock management that they run another play with two seconds left when they could have kicked a field goal to go up by four at half! Even deep into the 4th quarter down by two scores, they are sure to kick a field goal when all logic says to be bold. When you think the game is finally over, we get a garbage time Cleveland touchdown off a botched lateral to tack on more points and screw over bettors everywhere. But that is not all, enjoy the post-game antics too as the Yenzers are now livid at Canada and are close to running him out of town. Thursday Night Football! Only on Amazon Prime. Come and feel the magic!
Bengals 27, Jets 12
Remember the magic of week 9 last year? How the Jets, led by Mike White, engineered a stunning upset of Cincy at MetLife Stadium? How it shook up the entire dynamic of the AFC? Well, this game was revenge for it. The Jets got beaten into the mud and then beaten some more. They had no answers for Cincinnati all day. Their stagnant offense made that Bungles defense look like the ‘85 Bears. Even then, Burrow and company were very sloppy on offense, and only did just enough to escape with a win. They may have staved off irrelevance, but they get a tough matchup next week at home against the Dolphins. Good luck, Cincy. The entire city of Buffalo is counting on you.
Raiders 22, Titans 24
Behold, to the viewing public, Josh McDaniel’s offense!
By showing you that small empty space above, I showed you most of what the Raiders and their fraud of a coach did on offense today. They had absolutely no answers for a group that got run over to the tune of 41-7 last week, and that is being generous. Vegas got absolutely clobbered by a Titans squad looking for someone to beat up on after getting owned by Buffalo last week. Derrick Henry looked like his old self for a day, rumbling all over that trash heap of a Raiders defense to have himself a game. Even Tannehill was able to sling the ball around with efficiency, exposing the Raiders secondary for the hunk of Swiss cheese that it is. I know they’ve had a tough schedule, but 0-3 is underwhelming even with their opening slate. It may be time for McDaniel’s to walk the plank.
Saints 14, Panthers 22
This game says absolutely nothing about the Panthers. They should have won this game by multiple scores, not by 8 points. The real reason why they won was who they were facing. Famous Jameis relapsed to turnover bakery mode today. Two interceptions and a lost fumble were what undid New Orleans, despite outgaining the Panthers, who kept pounding for their first win of the season. Matt Rhule may be a terrible coach, but this game will be used as an excuse to keep him around so that Tepper does not lose money. Obviously a very forward-thinking organization in Charlotte.
Ravens 37, Patriots 26
There is not much to be said here, only that Bill Belichick’s defense got absolutely wrecked by the Ravens in a game that felt closer than the score was. Their defense had no answers for Lamar and made him look like his 2019 vintage. Unfortunately, the same effort by Baltimore could not be replicated on defense. Despite picking off Mac Jones 3 times, they fell apart down the stretch and allowed a Matt Patricia offense to march all over them for a good part of the game. The Ravens may have won, but that defense is a cause for concern, especially as they play Buffalo next week. As for New England, it was a good game, but they did not give style points in the standings.
Lions 24, Vikings 28
I’ve said it the past two weeks and in the preview and I’ll say it again: The Detroit Lions are a pain in the rear end to play against. They might not be the most talented group in the world, but they play with drive and hunger. These are elements that Minnesota lacked in this game, as they allowed the Lions to roar out to a 10-point lead by the start of the 4th quarter. Now where have I seen this before? Detroit, with a good chance at winning against Minnesota, choosing to self-immolate on defense and allow Kirk Cousins to torch them? Oh right, I forgot, that happens every time the Lions play them. Today’s serving of Detroit pain and agony is a blown two-score lead in the 4th quarter to the tune of 14 unanswered points by a Vikings team that looked dead in the water. To make matters worse, the offense fell apart and was unable to respond to anything Minnesota threw at them. Detroit once again reverts to being as dull and miserable as ever, as the hope they had after last week has evaporated into the wind.
Eagles 24, Commanders 8
The Eagles are such a wildly inconsistent team. One moment, they’ll come out firing and score 24 points on a defense in one quarter. The next, they’re laying eggs against the same defense they were obliterating 5 minutes earlier. We saw flashes of it against Detroit, it happened against Minnesota, and it happened again against a Commander’s team without that great of a defense. But do they really need offensive consistency when their defense has gone back to brick wall mode these past few weeks? Wentz and company couldn’t score on them until garbage time, it was that suffocating. They have had a weak schedule thus far, but a 3-0 start is impressive, nonetheless. Keep it going.
Chiefs 17, Colts 20
What is it with the Chiefs overconfidently striding out onto the field to face the Colts and getting quietly strangled instead? Kansas City laid such a massive egg that it gave their fans flashbacks to that wild card game from 2014. Even worse, they did this against the Colts. The same Colts team that tied to the Texans. The same group that got shut out by Jacksonville of all teams last week. The same organization that treats quarterbacks like horses in a glue factory. Even as Matt Ryan was playing a quietly efficient game, the Chiefs offense couldn’t respond. The result is a huge upset as the Chiefs lose in September once again. Indianapolis, whatever they did, needs to keep that up. Their division could be getting really interesting this year.
Texans 20, Bears 23
The apocalypse is upon us. You wanna know why? Because a game involving the Texans and Bears wasn’t a complete snooze fest. The offenses did things today that didn’t involve tripping over themselves, and both sides had efficient games. This comes with the asterisk that both their defenses are trash, but the consistent playmaking from both sides made for an interesting tilt. This game proved one thing: Khalil Herbert is a wasted talent. He may not be surrounded by the most elite supporting cast in Chicago, but he put the team on his back and led them to victory today. He’s the new age Jordan Howard for Chicago: Elite player on a trash roster. As for Houston, they played well, but that lack of talent in general came back to bite them. How’s Bill O’Brien doing at Bama these days? Just asking for a friend.
Jaguars 38, Chargers 10
This game was how I envision an early medieval conquest playing out in modern times. The Jaguars spied an overconfident group strutting around and decided to make an example of them. The reformed Sacksonville battalion invades the Chargers home base, enslaves the population, and loots the buildings before razing them to the ground. Justin Herbert, for trying to resist this onslaught, was tied to a post in the town square and had even more of his ribs broken in a show of strength. Afterward, they add insult to injury by salting the earth so nothing will ever grow. This isn’t too far off from what went down at SoFi stadium this past Sunday. The Chargers made Doug Pederson look like a tactical mastermind. Do you know how hard that is to do? Even the Jags defense was dominating, making it obvious that Herbert was injured and showing no mercy. That Bolts offensive line got shredded for the entire game, leaving Herbert running for his life on most plays. The Chargers got beat so bad they nearly got booted back to San Diego. Jacksonville laughs in the background as LA’s coaching staff out-geniuses themselves at every turn and turns the contest into a laugher. That AFC west might be a lot more lopsided than we originally thought.
Rams 20, Cardinals 12
This game felt like it didn’t happen with all the other stuff that was going on. It was just the Rams doing their usual thing of making Glendale their second home, nothing too out of the ordinary. Yes, Arizona would put up a fight, but against a juggernaut in LA’s real team, it was hopeless from the start. This loss re-ignites all the questions we had about Kingsbury before the year. That offense looked bad, and that was even with the Rams defense not being at full strength. The 1-2 start is concerning. This underachieving should be happening late in the season, not right now. Kyler Murray needs to go play more video games, it’s the only way he can mentally recover from this loss. The Rams enjoy the win as they lord over Arizona yet again.
Packers 14, Buccaneers 12
America’s game of the week, eh? More like a boring snooze fest that was ugly to watch and follow. Both teams were missing quite a few pieces on offense, despite the return of a certain David Bakhtiari for the Packers. The result of this lack of talent is a defensive exhibition. Both defenses had themselves a day thanks to the offenses of both teams getting stuck in quicksand. Despite having an 11-point lead at half, the Packers cannot stand up to Brady and his might. He pushes his team down the field. He even scores a touchdown to get the Bucs within two. It is here that Bucs fans found out why Todd Bowles got fired by the Jets. Tampa gets called for delay of game on the 2 point try and are forced to go for it from the 7-yard line. This led to predictable failure. The Packers escape with an ugly, ugly win. They’ve made a statement with this win, however. They’re still alive and kicking. Their downfall was overblown.
Falcons 27, Seahawks 23
Who knew that a game between Atlanta and Seattle would be the most interesting tilt in the 4PM time slot? Not anyone a week ago. The dumpster fires that are these teams’ respective defenses made for a high-flying shootout, with Mariota and Geno Smith flinging the rock around with too much success. 37 total points in the first half. That’s more than were scored in the entire Bucs vs Packers game. In the 2nd half, the defenses clamped down, and Atlanta was able to escape with a close win for their first win of the season. The memes suffer as a result. They will not be going 0-17. Seattle deserves to be chucked into Puget Sound for losing to them and ruining it.
49ers 10, Broncos 11 (somehow)
Another week, another game where Nathaniel Hackett horribly mismanaged an offense. They managed 3 total points in the first half against a Niners defense whose key players dropped like flies throughout the game. Fortunately for Mile High, San Fran couldn’t do much better, besides a touchdown on their opening drive. Things were looking bleak for the Broncos, until a miracle happened. Niners fans, the following is why your team wanted to get rid of Jimmy G. He pulled a Dan Orlovsky and stepped out the back of his own endzone for a safety. With the score at a resounding 10-5 for the 49ers, something of a miracle happened. The Denver offense started moving the ball down the field. It’s incredible, The Hack making the correct play calls and not getting bogged down by indecision. They even did something even rarer. THEY SCORED A TOUCHDOWN FROM INSIDE THE RED ZONE!!! It’s like everything I believed impossible is coming true. Cats and dogs are dancing in the streets. Egypt is suddenly ordering millions of snow-blowers. And all because the Broncos did something they haven’t done since the stone age. But then we remember what coach we’re dealing with. The Hack bungles the two-point conversion and the Broncos do not go up by 3. They still have a 1-point lead, though. Time for the defense to clamp down and finish the upset. Denver beat a legit opponent. That’s honestly the most surprising thing this week. San Fran, your offense sucks, go in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
Cowboys 23, Giants 16
No, we aren’t living in an alternate timeline after all. The Giants are still the trash heap they were last year. Maybe not at much of one, but they’re still a bad football team, nonetheless. Exhibit G, Monday night against the Cowboys. The Giants offense, shockingly, was as inept as we all thought they would be. They literally cannot move the ball down the field. Daniel Jones also didn’t help matters. I don’t know what the secret to QB immortality is, but it certainly isn’t staring down your target receiver from the moment the ball is snapped. Jones was doing that all game, to predictable results. The Cowboys put on a defensive clinic and held the Giants to 9 points besides a fluke run by Saquon Barkley. Dallas escapes MetLife with an ugly, ugly W. The Giants, meanwhile, are shocked back to reality after playing two opponents that imploded, leaving them the last man standing. Next week, they will be in Chicago. Winnable? I don’t know.
There is absolutely nothing else that happened this week. Nope. Absolutely nothing. I refuse to believe it. I need a separate piece to dissect how bad the Bills were. No, I’m not salty, what would make you think that?
