Dallas is struggling big time to start the year. Luckily for them, their next opponent is the perfect remedy: a hot date with the Giants. New York kept it close but were unable to convert in the red zone when it mattered. 5 field goals and Dallas having a better team were the reason why they escaped this Thursday Night disaster with a win. Next week, though, is the true test for them.
Bengals 34, Panthers 24
Cincinnati facing off against arguably the worst team in the league on the road desperate for a win. They did their part by lying over and dying on defense for Joe Burrow as he had his most productive day of the season. However, these are the Bungles; nothing comes easy. Their defense was, once again, godawful. Picked apart for 24 points by Andy Dalton and the Carolina Circus, keeping it within a score for most of the game. The Bungles need to figure things out, and they get no favors as they play Baltimore next week.
Saints 24, Falcons 26
The Saints have fallen back to earth. It started with their loss to the Eagles last week and continues today in Atlanta. Remember when New Orleans’s offense looked unstoppable in the first two weeks? I remember. Saints fans probably do, too, as they allowed Atlanta to control the majority of play and get back into the division race with a win. The NFC South is starting to look really interesting this year. I’m intrigued.
Jaguars 20, Texans 24
Before you is a team that controlled the majority of play, finally got their offense moving outside of garbage time, yet still got their rear ends handed on a platter. Meet the Jags, who do just enough on offense to keep the game close but can’t convert when it matters. It sucks even more because the defense actually did things today. If Trevor Lawrence and the offense could get anything going in the second half, the Jags probably win. 14 yards of offense in the second half. That was all. You sure your job is secure, Doug? I wouldn’t be that nonchalant in the press conference after an 0-4 start. We’ll have to move the Guillotine from East Rutherford to TrEverbank Stadium in the coming weeks.
Broncos 10, Jets 9
Even when they finally have a real quarterback, the Jets still can’t stop Jetting and falling into the same traps. Denver may be on the rise, but they are still very beatable, all things considered. The Jets took this as a challenge: field goals only. The Broncos had 60 passing yards, and they still lost today. I haven’t even mentioned the whiffing king that is Greg Zuerlein. That last kick wasn’t even close! I know there was wind, but at some point, enough is enough. Enjoy the unemployment line.
Vikings 31, Packers 29
I don’t know how you somehow turn a new leaf and revert to your old habits in the same game- but the Vikings did it here. The first half was domination, similar to the games we’ve seen out of them on this surprising start. Sam Darnold skied the ball for a 28-0 lead in the 2nd quarter. Then, the Packers finally woke up. Jordan Love started slinging, and Minnesota started choking again as Green Bay came all the way back and ended up making it a game in the end. Minnesota is 4-0, but as we saw in the 2nd half today, cracks are beginning to form. Fix them.
Steelers 24, Colts 27
Everyone knew the Steelers were frauds at 3-0, but losing to Joe Flacco wasn’t how I thought they’d be exposed. The Colts were hungry for a statement win after the first two weeks, and they got one here over an allegedly strong defense. Despite Anthony Richardson getting injured yet again, Indianapolis managed to cruise to a win on the back of a solid defensive effort- despite a late comeback attempt by Pittsburgh. The Colts are back at .500 with an easy schedule in front of them. They play the Jags, Titans, and Miami. 5-2 is in the realm of possibilities. I’m impressed.
Rams 18, Bears 24
And here is one of the more frustrating losses for the Rams this season. They outgained and outplayed the Bears all day, yet lost due to miscues and untimely turnovers. Matt Eberflus survives for another day as Chicago wins the flyover game of the week by means of sheer dumb luck.
Eagles 16, Buccaneers 33
Let’s see here: Slow, sluggish play, a real temp feel of 109 degrees, and fans passing out and puking in the stands? Yep, it sounds like a game played in Florida. The Eagles on the field matched such conditions. They were dominated all game long by a team with many question marks. Down 24-0 in the first half, it was over. Philadelphia tried to come back and even brought it within two scores, but Jalen Hurts reverted to turnover mode and killed any semblance of a rally. Eagles, you deserve this failure at 2-2. Fire Sirianni straight out of the cannon the Bucs have in their stadium.
Patriots 13, 49ers 30
It would appear that the Patriots’ hot streak to start the season after upsetting the Bungles is now over. They were brought back to earth today in Santa Clara as they got their earth salted by the 49ers. Today, Brock Purdy returned to form, slinging the ball around and feeding George Kittle. The defense did the rest, as San Fran used New England as practice for real teams. Pats fans, did you enjoy your two weeks of relevance? Back to the basement with you!
Commanders 42, Cardinals 14
I said it last week, and I’ll say it again now: The Commies are a playoff team this year. The Red Army advances on the next hapless victim: Arizona. Much like the Prague Spring, they put up a good fight for a half and then were overrun by Comrade Daniels and his band of merry men. Once the second half started, Washington put their desires for legitimacy into overdrive and defecated on the Cardinals from the highest perch they could find. They move into sole possession of the AFC East with this resounding win. See what happens when you don’t have a sniveling charlatan for an owner, Washington? You reap what you sow. It indeed goes both ways.
Chiefs 17, Chargers 10
The Chiefs’ record of incredible luck and fluky wins continues today against the Chargers. The MVP for Kansas City was the same as the other games: Zebras. Let’s start with a convenient 1-game suspension for Derwin James for repeated player safety violations. This is a friendly reminder that the Chiefs employ a running back whose street racing in Dallas this offseason injured an entire family. Unsurprisingly, he gets no spin on the Wheel of Discipline because he wears red and is on the same team as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. Add in a stream of flags for the Chargers and the Chiefs secondary blatantly holding all game, and it spells out a true MVP performance for the referees. Despite a 10-0 Charger lead and Mahomes playing horrible, they were eventually able to come back due to LA being significantly undermanned. Kansas City goes on to 4-0, but a pretty weak one. We all know they’ll just get hot in January anyway.
Browns 16, Raiders 20
The Raiders were punched in the mouth last week against a team they should’ve taken to town. Luckily for them, they have the perfect remedy for such an ailment: Dirtbag. The Browns’ offensive line is perfect training wheels for when the Raiders have to play real teams. Going into this week, Dirtbag has racked up 50 whacks and 3 turnovers. Today, he was hit 11 times and sacked thrice, including on 4th down to end the game, and an interception. This brings his total to 61 whacks and 5 turnovers. Great numbers so far for him. The Raiders will take their free win and move on.
Bills 10, Ravens 35
You may be wondering why I didn’t separate this game into its standalone piece like some other Bills losses in the past. That is simple: they don’t deserve it. Buffalo played like excrement and got exposed by a real team. Turns out that facing the collapsing Jags, Tua Turndaballova and the Cardinals will make any defensive unit look good. Baltimore gets back to .500 with this win and looks like one of the best teams in football. As for the Bills? It’s still early in the year, but cracks are beginning to show. Focus on getting that defense up to scratch first.
Titans 31, Dolphins 12
Those of us who were envisioning more Will Levis memes tonight were unfortunately disappointed. He injured his shoulder on the opening drive, leading to an appearance from the man, the myth, the legend: Mason Rudolph. Guiding Tennessee to a win past a broken Dolphins team, Rudolph played safe and efficiently and finally got the Titans in the win column. For the most part, though, this game was a boring slopfest that was mercifully overshadowed by the other Monday Night game.
Seahawks 29, Lions 42
Over the past few years, whenever the Seahawks and Lions face each other, it’s the signal for both defenses to take national holidays and go AWOL for 60 minutes. This game was no different. Despite the Lions setting pace throughout and controlling most of the play, Seattle was no pushover. Despite some untimely turnovers, they managed to keep the game in check. Detroit’s question marks on offense are now fully settled as they head to the bye. Good stuff out of them.
Laughingstock of the Week
This week didn’t offer anything concrete, so we’ll lean on the crutch that most college football fans lean on for laughs: The entirety of the Florida State Seminoles football program. DJ Ukulele and Mike Norvell have put together a disaster class this season in Tallahassee, and this week was no different. From 10th ranked at the start of the year to 1-4 with losses to the likes of Memphis and SMU. It’s truly remarkable how far you can fall in such a short time frame.