Folks, to put this game and the surrounding activities into perspective, it’s time for me to regale you in a personal tale. I’m in Japan for the holidays right now, and due to the time difference, all of the late games kick off around 10:15 in the morning. That was also right around when I had to hop on a subway to go meet someone, and I lost connection. I got off the train an hour later, fired up my scoreboard app, and saw the Raiders were winning 42-0. At halftime. I deleted the app and reinstalled it. Multiple times. Then I realized it was real and started laughing hysterically. Long story short, the Chargers got completely dominated in every way, shape, and form by an offense that hadn’t scored a point in a week and a half. The rest was history. Raiders, you may be nowhere near playoff contention in yet another disappointing year for you guys, but you’ll have this for eternity. Chargers, you and your six fans can kindly get out of my sight.
Wait, hold up, there’s one more thing I forgot to mention. Brandon Staley has deservedly been axed 11 months after he should have been. It’s completely deserved at this point. With his faux analytics, constantly going for it on 4th down and failing in his own territory, putting immense pressure on his defense to make stops they can’t make. Oh yeah… the defense. Staley was supposed to be some defensive mastermind, but these past few years have shown us that he was a fraud in that regard as well. Carried to relevance by Aaron Donald. And some other guys. Know what the proof is? The Chargers have had at least one marquee splash defensive acquisition every year and have found a way to waste every single one of them. That’s generational ineptitude. Don’t worry, Brandon, you’ll get another job soon, since this league is a joke and some desperate team will have no choice but to turn to you.
Vikings 24, Bengals 27
If you had told me at the beginning of the year that this game would be between two 7-6 teams, I would have believed you. Now, if you had told me it would feature two backup quarterbacks, I would have had your head examined. What this game came down to was experience under pressure. Jake Browning, for his flaws, played efficiently. Nick Mullens couldn’t effectively make a throw to save his life. Even with Minnesota’s defense imitating Atlas holding up the world, making stop after stop and keeping a commanding lead, Mullens committed some of the most boneheaded turnovers I’ve seen this year to keep Cincy in the game. You can’t give a guy like Jake Browning that kind of momentum, or else he’ll pounce on it. Cincinnati wins and keeps their playoff hopes alive at 8-6 against all odds. I’m not sold on their prospects there, but with that defense and their structure surrounding Browning, they’ll at least be competitive.
Steelers 13, Colts 30
This game was a tale of two teams: The happy-go lucky failure that is having their ridiculous luck catch up to them, and the young, hungry team that’s freeing itself from the mud and is finally stringing together some convincing performances. Absolutely no surprises here, despite an early Pittsburgh lead due to said mud. As for the Steelers, it’s panic time. Mason Rudolph has been named the starter for next week. Mason Rudolph. Yep, your season’s over.
Broncos 17, Lions 42
This is a game where Denver falls back to earth and is exposed for their flaws. Unfortunately for Russ and the offense, we got the week 3 version of the Broncos’ defense today. You know, the week when they gave up 70 points? Detroit had their way with them all game long, it wasn’t even close. They needed to make a statement after several subpar performances, and by God, they did it here. Well done, Lions. Win next week and you’ll win your first division title in 30 years. Get it done, Detroit.
Giants 6, Saints 24
It’s time for the Italian portion of the Bronx to fall back down to earth. Tommy DeVito, for as good a feel good story as he is, is not a full-time starter. This game proved it. The Saints zeroed in on the run and forced Tommy Cutlets to beat them with his arm. He couldn’t. Despite a Tyrod Taylor sighting, the game was never within reach. As for the defense? Torched by Derek Carr for 3 touchdowns. I don’t even need to say anything else, that’s damning on its own. Giants fans, you can kindly exit from your one month of relevance to go back to doing mock drafts again. It’s what you’re good at, what else do I know?
Bears 17, Browns 20
It’s do or die time for Chicago. With their recent wins and an outside shot at the playoffs, they need to scrape together wins by any means necessary. Going into Cleveland will be tough, but the hope is that Chicago would at least keep it competitive. Fortunately for the Bears, this is where we realize that Joe Flacco is, indeed, Joe Flacco. His checkdown goodness spots Chicago to an early 10-point lead. However, Cleveland’s defense clamps down and prevents them from adding to it. Deep into the 4th quarter, the Bears are still up by 7, but this is when Flacco wakes up from his slumber and torches their D for a touchdown and a go-ahead field goal from Dustin Hopkins. In one of the more Bearsy games of the year, Cleveland came back for 13 unanswered when they looked dead in the water. Well done, Bears, as this game is probably the difference between them fluking their way into the playoffs and making significant changes in the offseason. Cleveland now becomes the worst 9-5 team in NFL history. Be lucky you don’t have to face real teams any time soon.
Falcons 7, Panthers 9
I’m not going to go through the whole song and dance with Atlanta, where I point and laugh at their repeated failure. If I’m a Falcons fan, I want heads on spikes outside Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Such epic failure. And this wasn’t even to a quality team either, try the Carolina Panthers. A broken team with a terrible owner, no first round pick, one win on the year, an empty stadium, and tickets on resale for less than a dollar in the pouring rain. Arthur Smith, I would start packing your bags right around now. If the Falcons don’t fail upwards into a playoff spot, you’re done.
Buccaneers 34, Packers 20
Two quarterbacks that we dismissed as mediocre at the start of the year playing meaningful football in December. Jordan Love and Baker Mayfield squaring off in a battle for their playoff lives. What this game would come down to was which defense managed to patch up the dam break first. Todd Bowles, for his flaws, managed to put together a well-schemed performance. Joe Barry just sat around aimlessly chewing bubble gum. Packers, you can all but kiss your January hopes goodbye.
Jets 0, Dolphins 30
Miami needed to bounce back after last week’s choke, and they did so in style against a group all but playing dress up as a football team at this point. Zach Wilson couldn’t do much against the Miami defense before getting injured, and his replacement in Trevor Siemian looked like he had gotten loaded downtown the night before and was still hung over. Miami, this proves nothing. Beat a real team and then talk. Jets, I almost forgot about you. This loss earns you a dubious reward. No playoffs.
Eliminated: New York Jets
Their relevant season was over 4 plays into their first offensive drive. The rest was just the usual ineptitude and chucking their fans off a cliff. This was one of the Jetsiest seasons in recent history, and that’s saying something. Significant changes must be made in the offseason to mold the team to Aaron Rodgers’ preference. Start with the O-line and The Hack.
Chiefs 27, Patriots 17
Chiefs fans, you can ignore Mahomes looking off, or your receivers not being able to catch, or your incredibly suspect defense being the only reason why you win games anymore. Taylor Swift is in attendance today! This means the refs are automatically programmed to throw flags at any Patriots player that moves. The amount of help the Chiefs were getting from the zebras today is almost impossible to understand, yet they still kept New England in the game for far too long. The fortunate thing for them is that they have an incredibly easy schedule to end the year, which means they should be in for January football barring extreme circumstances. Don’t even think about it, Chiefs.
Texans 19, Titans 16 (OT)
Houston marching out onto the field against the organization that stole their team and also appropriated their old uniforms for use in this game. The entire Houston fan base went into this game wanting blood. Unfortunately, they must wait, as their litany of injuries now includes CJ Stroud, out with a concussion. This means that the clipboard legend Case Keenum is back under center. Tennessee will roll out to a 16-3 lead at half and just coast to victory. Or will they? Longtime followers of the league will know that Keenum has a special gear he rarely reaches: his Minnesota form. Houston, you are now seeing why this man is considered a quality backup. Keenum marches them down the field over and over to eventually tie the game, and then winning it in overtime off a long field goal by Ka’imi Fairbairn. Titans, I now present your reward for this epic choke. Playoff elimination!
Eliminated: Tennessee Titans
At least your team didn’t imitate Fukushima like they did last year. To do so, you would have had to have had some semblance of optimism. Will Levis showed flashes of his potential, but he’s still rawer than the whole bananas he allegedly eats on the reg. Sadly, I don’t have much confidence in Vrabel and his staff to develop him the right way. Maybe next year, guys.
49ers 45, Cardinals 29
San Francisco is humming right now, but this is a classic trap game for them. Right before their Christmas showdown with Baltimore next week, they must travel to their home away from home in Glendale to face the Cardinals. They’ll warm ‘em up a little, let them score a couple touchdowns to establish trust, take them into an alleyway, and beat the daylights out of them. You would be alarmed at how porous they were, but c’mon, they’re facing the Cardinals, the D just needed to maintain a pulse and they’d be fine. Onward to your next quest, 49ers.
Commanders 20, Rams 28
The Commanders now are what everyone thought the Cardinals would be after week 3. Competitive, spirited, but lacking in many areas, preventing them from achieving their full potential. Case in point, their scrum against the Rams. Sure, they could keep it close with a spirited comeback, but at the end of the day, a combination of their opponent’s talent and Ron Rivera’s audition for a Darwin award did them in. The Rams are still in a playoff spot, and Stafford looks as sharp as ever. If it weren’t for Kroenke, I’d root for these guys. As for Washington, I would stop caring like your defense throughout the season, but I am morally obligated to pay attention to you today. There’s an elimination to deal with.
Eliminated: Washington Commanders
If Ron Rivera isn’t fired straight into orbit this offseason, it will be a dismal failure no matter who the new ownership group chooses to throw money at. The fact that Rivera still has a job to begin with isn’t a great look for Josh Harris and the new ownership group. You can take the Commies away from Dan Snyder, but you can’t take his damn good culture out of the Commies. What a wasted year. Just make Bieniemy the head coach and watch as you blossom into a good team next year.
Cowboys 10, Bills 31
So, Dem Boys ain’t good on the road, eh? Their defense sucks and can’t stop the run? Buffalo called an audible from the pre-Josh Allen days for this game. Run the ball on every down and bully their opponent at the line of scrimmage. It worked like a charm. Albeit, a blunt one. Ty Johnson’s bruising force, Latavius Murray’s veteran vision and instinct, and cap it all off with James Cook’s explosive speed and you get a 3-headed rushing attack that Dallas had no answers for. As for the defense? Dominant. The score technically doesn’t do it justice, as the Cowboys’ touchdown was in garbage time. Dak was running for his life all game, and on the plays where he wasn’t in mortal peril, the receivers were either covered or would develop hands of stone. Welcome back to the funny pages, Dallas! Hope that one week of relevance was worth it, boys! Cowboys, I know this loss is embarrassing, but at least you made the playoffs?
Playoff Bound: Dallas Cowboys
They will need to get their act together and win their division if they want a chance at doing anything in January. They cannot play on the road. Their offense, in particular, skews very fraudulent when outside the confines of a dome.
Ravens 23, Jaguars 7
All I need to say to Jags fans is this: This is the kind of smooth-brained idiocy that got Doug Pederson fired in Philadelphia. Horrible offensive scheming all around. Trevor Lawrence regressing and playing with a visible limp. God Awful clock management at Baltimore’s goal line at the end of the first half, and whatever that second half offense was. It’s less Baltimore’s skill than it is Jacksonville tripping over themselves every time they have a chance to. Even worse for them? The division they thought they locked up is now tied in a 3-way battle for the right to get smoked by Cleveland or Buffalo in the wild card round.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 20
Behold! The first game ever to be flexed into Monday Night Football. The bad news for us viewers is that Jalen Hurts is dealing with the flu, so Eagles fans can shout from the rooftops that everyone was about to see Hurt’s version of the Jordan flu game. Or at least we would, if Seattle’s defense didn’t mug them in a back alley. Philadelphia got dominated in every way, shape, and/or form by a Seattle defense reeling after 4 straight losses. They got one push tush touchdown in the first half and then everything fell apart. Even the defense is getting picked apart by the Seahawks’ stagnant offense. And this isn’t even with Geno Smith under center. Try Drew Lock. John Elway’s pride and joy let a masterful final drive, picking apart that Eagles secondary and turning James Bradberry into shoe leather. Eagles, I know this loss is devastating, but thanks to Dallas’s loss earlier in the week, you guys have now punched a ticket to January football.
Playoff Bound: Philadelphia Eagles
We know what this team’s potential is. We saw it last year. However, I just can’t shake the fraud narrative that they’ve been developing throughout the year. 3 straight losses with two of them by 3 scores or more will cause panic in any fanbase.