Seahawks 35, Cowboys 41
Congratulations, Dallas, you folks finally beat a team over .500! I’m not convinced. Seattle came into this game with serious question marks. They hadn’t scored an offensive touchdown since the first quarter against the Rams. Yet the Cowboys’ “vaunted defense” couldn’t force a single punt the entire game. Sure, they got some turnovers thanks to ballhawks like Darron Bland, but Bland was also cooked for most of the game by DK Metcalf. Sure, Dallas managed to escape in the end thanks to Geno Smith falling back to earth, but this says nothing about them to me. Seattle, though, is in panic mode. It’s okay since they’re still tied with the Vikings, but that’s 3 straight losses. Get it together, guys.
Colts 31, Titans 28
Indianapolis is a strange team to me. They can’t close out inferior opponents like other teams in their position, but at the same time- they’re 7-5 when they should have been nowhere near that mark. Case in point, their skirmish against the Titans, where they won on a combination of luck and clutch plays by their offense and special teams. Then again, it’s in Tennessee tradition to walk into bear traps any time they get something going. Hey, the offense is moving, they’ve had multiple leads! Well, too bad, since Derrick Henry is now injured and the offense falls flat. You think your special teams are going to be competent? How about you allow 2 blocked punts to set up the Colts in prime field position? Oh, look here, an extra point to take the lead! Too bad, since their punter got injured on one of the blocks, and Ryan Tannehill now has to hold for the try. He forgets the #1 rule of holding: Laces out. Game remains tied. Despite Tennessee taking the lead in overtime, their battered and fatigued defense couldn’t stop the might of the Indy’s mustachioed savant as he guided the offense down the field for the game-winning touchdown. Indy continues to defy the odds and push for a playoff spot. What a time.
Falcons 13, Jets 8
It’s a game involving an NFC South team facing off against a team with no quarterback. TANK BOWL!
The Jets, are the Jets, are the Jets. Despite their defense destroying worlds once again and reminding us for the 10th time this year that Desmond Ridder sucks, the offense was nowhere near par for this game, once again. The Tanks roll on for the Jets, as Tim Boyle continues to suck, as the Falcons somehow fail upwards into a .500 record. And sole possession of the division lead. Can we just revoke this team’s playoff spot and give it to the Bills? We don’t want to watch the Cowboys get another free win in the Wild Card round. Oh yeah- the Jets. You may notice that there’s no intoxication meter this week. That’s because it crashed after last week’s debacle. The mistake in MetLife is a Megabus and Nathaniel Hackett is driving it straight off the GW Bridge.
Lions 33, Saints 28
Despite Detroit looking suspect once again against an opponent they should crush, they managed to pull out in the end thanks to a comedy of errors for New Orleans in the first quarter. It’s not a statement, but it’s something. This Saints offense is awful. Their quarterback can’t throw, the receivers can’t catch, any sort of clutch breaking down before they get out of the lot, the typical sort. However, the Saints then had a revelation. Derek Carr was knocked out of the game. The man, the myth, the legend. The quarterback the meme world has been dying for since 2019. FAMOUS JAMEIS IS BACK IN THE SADDLE, BABY! He does famous Jameis things and gets the Saints back into the game, but they falter late. Detroit, run as fast as you can out of the superdome, but a win is a win. They’re 9-3. That’s nothing to scoff at.
Broncos 17, Texans 22
If you told me at the start of the year that the Broncos and Texans would both be over .500 at this point in the year, I would have had your head examined. Then again, this NFL season has been so crazy pretty much everyone feels like they’re living out an alternate timeline. This game was everything it was advertised to be. CJ Stroud skying the ball all game, stout defenses, Chef Russ baking turnovers interspersed with aiding his team, and even some refball on a fumble return for a touchdown that was ruled dead due to forward progress. Houston may have the lead, but the Broncos have the ball and drive to the 5 yard line. What does Russ do? He throws an interception. That 5 game win streak is now history, but the Broncos looked pretty good in this one. You know which game the Texans are getting revenge for. With how much the media flamed them for it, they were absolutely out for blood today.
Chargers 6, Patriots 0
If both teams are terrible, yet are still trying to foolishly win games, do we call this a tank bowl? Let me take a closer look. Oh yeah, it’s a tank bowl.
This was one of the worst excuses for football I have ever seen. The Chargers kicked two field goals and no one else did anything of note for the entire game. Bailey Zappe looked bad, Mac Jones looked even worse, the Chargers did Charger things against an inferior opponent, only to somehow luck into an undeserved win to keep their slim playoff hopes alive. New England, it might be time to blow it up.
Cardinals 24, Steelers 10
When the best part of a game for the home team is the weather delay saving the fans from having to watch, you know something is wrong. Matt Canada may have been an issue, but the Steelers didn’t do him any favors either. A week after cresting 400 yards for the first time since the feudal age, the Steelers took the field against a vastly inferior defense and got stuffed like a turducken. Even worse, Kenny Pickett was knocked out with an injury. This put the worst 2nd overall pick in NFL history back in the saddle for Pittsburgh. Predictable things happened. The Steelers fell to 7-5 after losing big once again. Fitting.
Dolphins 45, Commanders 15
Miami, congratulations! You are today’s recipient of A FREE WIN! That’s right, A FREE WIN!!! You get the reward of facing a complete tire fire in the Washington Commies. Dan Snyder may be long gone, but this organization still finds new and impressive ways to take the L nearly every week. After firing Jack Del Rio last week, the defense proved he wasn’t the main issue by getting torched by Tyreek Hill and imitating parking cones for most of the game. Miami barely needed to maintain a pulse and they would have won this game, just chuck it downfield and Tyreek would be wide open by 15 yards. Miami continues to ride their incredibly easy schedule to 9-3. You only have a couple more games of this before you have to face real teams, guys. Don’t get complacent.
Panthers 18, Buccaneers 21
Two NFC South teams doing battle. You know what this means. TANK BOWL!
Carolina, one week after firing half their coaching staff, now must go to Tampa Bay and face a Bucs team with far better aspirations than theirs. Throughout the game, the Buccaneers would prove themselves superior. Tampa wins the game easily, and also delivers Carolina another reward. They are the first team eliminated!
Eliminated: Carolina Panthers
An all-in move for the first overall pick backfires significantly. Not only are they the worst team in the league by a country mile, they also don’t have their first round pick. The bears lick their chops and thank the Panthers for gifting them the tank bowl championship.
49ers 42, Eagles 19
Philadelphia has been dancing through the raindrops against inferior opponents for most of their strong start to the year. I knew at some point it would catch up with them, and it did at the Linc today. Wouldn’t you know it, it happened against the team that had the most to gain by beating them. San Fran came in to make a statement, and by God, they made it. They completely embarrassed Philly, at home, to a captivating crowd of mostly Niner fans. San Fran flies through the night, as they get their statement win they’ve been looking for. Good work, Niners.
Browns 19, Rams 36
With Dirtbag and now Dorian Thompson-Robinson now out with injury, there’s a new man in the saddle at QB for the Browns. None other than the checkdown sensei Joe Flacco. JOE FLACCO! You could just feel the fan apathy through the tv screen. He performed as terribly as everyone expected. Cleveland’s defense could only do so much as the Rams waltzed past them on nearly every drive. LA dominated on both fronts yet again, pulling away at the end of the game for a win that puts them back in the playoff conversation with a 6-6 record. They’re finally starting to hit the stride that made them champions 2 years ago.
Chiefs 19, Packers 27
Another team on the up-and-up right now are the Green Bay Packers. As heavy underdogs at home against Kansas City, they not only pulled off an upset, but also caused the meltdown of an entire fanbase over alleged unfair reffing. Chiefs fans, listen. Just because you normally get all the calls doesn’t mean that every odd call that goes against you is some vile conspiracy. If you saw them on social media after the game, you’d think they got screwed by the refs as consistently as teams like the Lions and Saints. They were insufferable. Unbelievably insufferable. All this allows many to overlook the fact that the Packers are now 6-6 and looking like playoff contenders again. Thank you, Green Bay. Thank you for causing a five-alarm blaze amongst Chiefs Kingdom. Not even Taylor Swift being at Lambeau could save the Chiefs from the might of the Packerena.
Bengals 34, Jaguars 31
Nobody was giving the Bengals a chance in this game. They were starting Jake Browning, coming off a pathetic offensive performance against the Steelers, and running into a Jags team that was taking no prisoners. However, the Jags didn’t dominate as they were expected to. Their offense, while scoring touchdowns, faltered at many points throughout the game thanks to a stout Bengals D, while the defense bent, despite getting an interception on the funniest trick play I’ve seen since the Indy punt fake. However, the Jags have the ball, tied at 28 with 5 minutes left. Everyone thought the Jags would march down the field and take the lead for good. Instead, Trevor Lawrence’s ankle was stepped on causing an injury that took him out of the game. And McManus missed a long field goal. The Bengals take the lead on a field goal drive from Jake Browning. Enter T-Law’s backup. The incredible, the immortal… C.J. Beathard. He actually did a decent enough job, getting the Jags into field goal range to tie the game. They even won the overtime coin toss with a chance to win with a touchdown. Then you remember which quarterback this is. The Jags go 3-and-out. Cincinnati gets the ball, pushes into Jags territory, and boots the winning field goal, allowing Doug Pederson to experience the first-world problems of the home crowd being too loud for his defense to do anything. When the crowd’s job when the defense is on the field is to cause communication issues for the opposing offense. You can’t use noise as an excuse when teams like the Chargers and Commies have to deal with every week. Toughen up, Doug.
Laughingstock of the Week
For this week’s Laughingstock of the Week, we travel north to Lambeau, for the final minute of the Chiefs’ scrum against the Green Bay Packers. The Laughingstock is Isaiah Pacheco, who doesn’t just bruise defenders with strong runs, he bruises them on fumble returns as well. With no timeouts, a Chiefs receiver coughs up the ball and Packers corner Kayshawn Nixon returns it for the game-winning touchdown. Or so it seemed. The play would be called back, since the Chiefs receiver was down by contact, but wait, there’s a flag! And even better, it’s a personal foul, so the fumble being overturned doesn’t negate it. Turns out Pacheco thought he was in UFC and threw a right hook at a Packers defender trying to block him. The 15 yard penalty not only pushed the Chiefs back from the 35 to midfield with 30 seconds left, it also forced Mahomes and company to go for broke with hail Marys on every single play. To add insult to this mess, Pacheco was also ejected from the game, taking away a key checkdown option for Mahomes against a prevent defense, which could have pushed the Chiefs into the red zone had he been on the field. Green Bay would go on to win on, yes, an incomplete hail Mary. I’m surprised this isn’t getting more attention.