Secret Mueller Documents Link Northwood Student to Russian Collusion

April 1, 2019 [April Fools Day] — The Mueller report is in, and Donald Trump has been found not guilty of colluding with Russia during his campaign. While the President claims to be cleared of all charges, a whole new scandal, with roots at Northwood School, has been unearthed in its place.

Hidden deep in the mountains of files collected by the Mueller investigation is a group of documents that connects a Northwood student to a bold scheme to illegally influence the election in favor of Trump. The documents were leaked to The Mirror anonymously, and the veracity of the files was confirmed by two independent sources close to the investigation.

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Northwood sophomore Riley Biro allegedly colluded with Russia (photo: Facebook).

According to the leaked documents, someone with the username “RBMountianMan” has been engaged in numerous communications with high-level government officials in St. Petersburg, Russia, and may have even aided in Russian collusion to turn the 2016 presidential election for Donald Trump. The most troubling part of this news is that RBMountainMan’s IP address traces all the way back to Northwood School’s GPS coordinates.

Anonymous high-level sources close to the Mueller probe have concluded that Riley Biro, a Northwood School sophomore from Virginia, is the prime suspect in this alleged collusion scandal. The Mirror has also confirmed that Biro is the only student in the school with the initials “R.B.” and that he is a mountain climber of some renown.

Sources close to the story say Biro began colluding with Russia from his home in Virginia in the months before the election. Biro chose to transfer to Northwood because of the school’s strategic location deep in the Adirondacks. Intelligence experts believe that Northwood’s far northern location could allow Biro easy access to transmit radio signals over Greenland straight to Russia.

“The distance would be much longer if he had to transmit it all the way from his home in Virginia.  In a way, this treasonous plot by Biro was actually somewhat genius,” said Matt Donaldson, a Professor of Technology and Criminal Justice at Johns Hopkins University, when asked about the story following one of his classes recently.

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The estimated path of Biro’s radio transmissions.

Furthermore, radio signals far north are hard to detect because there are very few American radars that are aligned to pick up signals directly over Greenland, not to mention the common blizzard-like conditions that impede American radar tracking.

The dense Adirondack Mountains also shield Biro’s radio signals from intelligence agencies south of the school, keeping both the CIA headquarters in Langley, VA and the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio unaware of his stealth actions. If he had continued this colluding with Russian back in Virginia, the radar at these stations would have most likely picked up his signals and have ordered Biro’s immediate arrest.

President Trump took to Twitter to distance himself from Biro, but deleted the post shortly after tweeting it:

Trump 2020
Digging into Mueller documents even further, it has even been found that in order to keep Riley Biro’s last name private, the Russians have used a Clever Title for Riley’s Slush fund, “The Riley Bureau of Campaign Funds.”

Most people at Northwood were shocked that their sleepy school in the woods is linked to a global news story. But not everyone is surprised that Biro is involved. Northwood’s Director of Technology and Robotics instructor Mr. Jeff Martin said he saw a warning sign. “I have always expected Riley to do something like this,” said Martin. “In fact, during study hall one night, I saw Riley downloading the Tor Browser which is often used for surfing on the dark web. But to this extent? Wow, just wow.”

School administrators refused to comment on this developing story, expressing concerns for student privacy. Saying that the Northwood community is shocked by these developments would be an understatement.

The Mirror will continue reporting on this breaking news story as new developments unfold.

Editor’s note: the dateline of this article was revised on 9/6/2019 to clearly indicate to readers that this was an April Fools satire story.

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